Friday, December 31, 2004
First Xmas eve, Me Nan went on a strop and walked out of her house, ringing one of my many cousins to say she was walking on the Heath, cos she needed some space.
She lives in a rough housing estate in Lewisham and it was half 11 at night, so obviously my Dad - who doesn't need this shit and was asleep and G went out yo find her, only she was in a neighbours house all the time and had been attention-seeking all the time.
--And people wonder where I get it from!!
Then of course, there was the tsaumi, normally my Uncle goes to Thailand for Xmas, this year he was in India but it was late Boxing day that we found he was ok.
Jarkartass, a fellow Addick, lives in Thailand and I hope everyone he knows is ok.
I guess the whole enormity of that hit me when we had the minute's silence against Everton, and you looked round at the full Valley and realised that more people were dead than were in the ground, so it makes everything else very trival indeed.
So its been very quiet and I'm planning on spending New Year watching The Wicker Man and getting very drunk at home.
And quite frankly I can't wait for this year to be over.
Granddad died from Cancer in Febuary, I've failed 2 driving tests and not-failed-or-passed another, Dad's been diagnosed as terminally ill and I've had to come home from Derby.
Speaking of which I have spent the last two days learning all about "The abiotic affects in lentic and lotic freshwater" which even after two days still means fuckall to me and my first exam is on the 4th!!!
So I'm raising my bottle of Barcardi Breezer as I'm champaigne-less, and toasting the new year and saying fuck-off too 2004 and wishing the best to everyone out there and can you all keep your fingers crossed that somehow we beat Arsenal tomorrow??
I'll be back on the 8th after my exams.
Happy New Year everyone!
Friday, December 24, 2004
So its time for that end of year review.
Lets face it, 2004 has been a bit of a shitter for me, and I'm looking forward to it to be over, though I'm not sure 2005 will be any better.
So here's Charby's review of 2004.
Main event of the year: Obviously Dad's illness getting worse and not likely to get any better has to be the main event.
Biggest moment of the year: - Hearing from the LF telling me that he loved me.
Biggest disappointment: - him changing his mind.
Biggest Blog moment: - A bit of a tie, between deciding to start one and finding Flash as my regular commentator
Biggest Football moment: - sitting in the pub watching us beat the Palarse.
Biggest Football disappointment: - losing to the Palarse.
Main man/woman of 2004: - STF for cheering me up and taking me out when I was down and E for being the bestest mate ever.
Biggest lesson learnt?: that eating trifle for 3 days straight is not good for the digestive system. On a serious note its learning that I'm a stronger person that I was before I came to uni and a stronger person than I was just three months ago, I may get down and depressed still sometimes, but I will never be that sucidal person I was before.
Ambitions/resolutions for next year?
- This time next year, no matter what the situation is with Dad to be on the look out for a place to live or to be sorted on the travelling front, be getting ready to go. I can't live at home any more but I can't leave them now.
- To have FINALLY past the driving test.
- To not be in love with a guy who lives 234 miles away and probably dont care anyway or to be in a relationship with a guy who's still obsessed with his ex, there's gotta be some nice guy in London somewhere, maybe he's hiding up a tree? I'm not looking for Mr Right, just Mr He'll Do For Now.
- To have more than 3 or 4 regular commenters out there.
So all that's left to do is to wish everyone out there a very happy Xmas, grab Flash for an xmas snog. *mmwwwwaaahhh*
I'll be back soon possibly after my exams, or if we manage to pull off a win against the Arse on New Year's Day.
So take care all and keep on smiling.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Me and the BB have just ended it, for definate now, as we'd left it hanging in the air when I left even though we knew it was not a serious relationship and not sure if it'd continue.
He admitted that he'd met a girl a year ago and she was moving to Derby in Jan and wanted to meet up.
He asked if i was mad, and I'm kinda sad in the "what if it means i'll lose my mate" sorta way, its not even like i'll really miss all the other stuff cos the last few weeks we'd not got up to anything.
Still he said we'd be mates still and I'd like that, Thought all along we'd make better mates than partners.
Told him about the LF cos i always felt kinda bad about hiding that from him, and he thinks he likes me too.
Pah! Not heard from the LF for a few days now so I dont know. Come to terms with the fact that I think he does care but dont want the distance cos its not like either of us would be allowed to stay at each others houses, not while we live at home anyway.
But its not a situation I can allow to contine, cant keep obsessing over a guy that probably dont want me.
So yeah! Damn, it took me 14 months to get round to getting another bloke so God only knows how long it'll be this time.
Hehe. Not that I'm really fussed, I got more important things to worry about now
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
*Takes deep breath and remembers why she came home in the first place, lets it out and begins rant.*
Surely at 21 I should be allowed to have a messy room if i like?
Ok, so I still have a lot of my stuff from my house in my room, and having the Brat's stuff in my room and the stuff from the flat in my room, as well as my normal stuff can't help in general tidiness.
But Fucking hell, all I've had for the last two days is "Tidy your room! Why haven't you tidied your room yet? Today your job is to tidy your room."
Excuse me! But to be fair, its not that messy, not to some of the standards its slipped to before, and I will tidy it, But first I gotta get the rest of my Xmas presents and surely fitting in some time to revise for my exams has got to fit in there somewhere and take priority?
Ok so this has aggrivated me all day, and reduced me to the level of feeling like a 6 year old.
Later, I was playing on the computer and they start again on me. Why haven't I done this yet? Why haven't I got round to booking a London Driving test.
I bite back the comments until I cannot take it any more and then retreat up to my room.
My Dad's words to my Nan float up the stairs to me.
"Bloody kids. Spoilt rotten and selfish they are."
SELFISH?!!! How fucking dare they?
I gave up pretty much everything so I could come home and help look after them.
I think of going down there to remind them of this fact and then decide the hassle will not be worth it.
I gotta remember that he can't help getting stroppy and tired nowadays as he doesnt have the energy any more from the illness, but it doesn't help, when I'm missing Derby as it is.
So strange being at home for a Monday night game and not watching it in Our Beloved Friary.
we got to see Marlon Devonish, who also brought his gold medal. But wasnt as impressive as seeing Kelly, even if she turned out not to be a Charlton fan.
Wasnt as cold as I feared either, after walking down in spitting rain
Thomas got his first ever Valley goal - not much of a celebrator is he?
We got to see the reason that Marlon had came as the announcer introduced a film urging us all to "back the bid"
Murphy had a great chance to score too, only just getting beaten by Van der Sar.
Not long after he helped set up the goal after a free kick.
By the way. Fulhams Papa Bouba Diop - one of the best names in football or what?
Possibly only just beaten by Bernt Hass the Brom Player.
whats the deal with all the horror movies on over Xmas?
Rosemary's baby last night, Halloween (?!!) this night
Sunday, December 19, 2004
But where the hell is my phone charger?
As sad as it is, I require my phone always. I'm not one of those people who live their life on it, But I got into the habit of always having it with me while I was with the LF as it was the only way we could stay in contact and now I miss not having it with me.
I got purty long rope lights, yeah me!
And I went to see Lemony Snickets' Series of Unfortunate events with GT and another old ex school chum.
Bit wierd listening to them talk about people I'd known from school but had not wanted/ lost contact with.
Not like listening to people talk about strangers, these were people I had known.
Am, very, very, very jealous though.
Gotta start the fun job of unpacking and starting that revision now.
Do they not realise its Xmas and we should have some fun over the festive period? (or at least a bit of a break?)
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Half unpacked and absolutely shattered, might have an early night.
Tomorrow, we start the game of unpacking and starting the last set of revision, think I'm going to see a film with GT too.
I miss Derby, and the people there already.
I don't wanna go.
Think the BB is quite gutted to see me go, telling me I shouldn't go, should stay here, then hastily adding, "not that I care though"
I don't wanna leave my friends here, dont wanna go back to that dull life I had at home.
Dont wanna go cos it means facing the inevitable
Friday, December 17, 2004
Last ever night at the BB's.
Today, I'm packing. Little things that I can't throw away, my rubber glove, the hawaiian necklace I found on the floor at D&E after a night out with STF.
The map from our trip to the Brewery at Burton.
JF came round last night to dispense Xmas presents. She brought me a HUUUUGE lollipop.
And a CD.
I told her that I quite liked the band 3 doors down and she made me a CD, then added other songs to it, that she thought suited my personality.
Jogging memories too...
My Immortal, Song 2, Time warp, Tubthumping, the Looney Tunes theme, "Just keep swimming" from Findin Nemo, The Remedy, Supergirl, Arms wide open, some Classic Metallica (I disappear), some LostProphets and November rain by Guns n Roses.
All songs that either remind her of me, or songs she could picture me bouncing round my room, and listening to when I'm down to cheer myself up.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Went out with TP, the BB and his mate, who i've got quite close to just by chatting on msn.
last ever set of lectures tomorrow.
Cheryl, its no good adding me to your msn, by using my charby email addy, cos all my Charby stuff gets sent to my normal account. Send me an email with your email on it and i can add it to my msn.
Gonna eat more kebab meat and chips, and go to sleep.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
R asked me if i'd sleep with him, N told me he loved me. A and MH got pisses and we waled to Worlds nicest takeout.
first time in 3 months been there.
gonna miss derby and the lads.
had roo burger in walkabout. interesting.
definately something i'd reccomined eating ski[ppy
off to bed.
last ever essay to write 2moro.
Monday, December 13, 2004
- I didnt lose the 40 quid bet last night, I forfeited, and owe STF a tenner on drinks.
- MH is coming for a meal tonight with I, C and H2. She has been making very hurtful comments lately, I will NOT be getting drunk and smacking her one, as much as I'd like to.
- My last presentation and driving lesson in Derby are today.
- ITS MY LAST EVER WEEK OF LECTURES. *Sob sob*
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Wish me luck, I'm going on an all day bender with STF, with the bet that if I go all day without peeling the labels off my bottles I wont have to give him forty quid.
It all seemed to make sense last week. I've been dreading it ever since and it means this weekend I will not get any work done.
Friday, December 10, 2004
THE EXTENDED VERSION!!!
Anyway. Cheryl, My university course finishes in January and I'm leaving Derby for good to move back home to London, to spend some time with my Dad before he pops his clogs and so I can help look after me Mothership and The Brat, and also to save some money so I can do the typical travelling student type thing.
Flash - I'm very, very chuffed that listening to Morrissey makes you think of me. Lets face it the man is a legend.
I think its finally hitting the BB that I'm going home soon and our little dalliances will be coming to an end, he was a lot more affectionate to me rather than the name calling arguments that we normally get into. Bless him, he's quite sweet even if he's still blatently not over his ex.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Are car picnics not jsut the coolest thing ever?
They remind me of rainy days out with my Nanny and Granddad, sitting in the rainy car at somewhere like Anysford (spelling?)
Haven't had for years until today.
Me and JF sat in her car at ASDA, (I miss asda, its only car-accesable) eating sushi, choux buns, cocktail sausages and pickled onions, headbanging to Evanescence and warbling tunelessly to "My Immortal"
And pretending to be on a stake out and taking notes on all the bemused shoppers taking their trollies back.
It was great fun, and It reminds me how much I'm going to miss Derby, this time next week, I'll be packing to leave for the final time (unless you count exams) and I'm going to miss the mates I've made here and all the fun I've had.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
OW! ow! ow!
Went to STF's to watch Blade2 before going to the cinema to see the 3rd,
Except he disappeared off and went to sleep and me and N got involoved in a fight, involving my getting slapped by shoes, and the TV remote, and believe me, he doesn't hold back just cos I'm a girl.
Ow! ow! ow!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
My Dad's gonna become a crack whore!
Well maybe not.
Doctors are prescribing him methadone for the lung cancer, to try and ease the cough!
I suggested selling it on the steet corner so we could pay for the loft to be done up.
Uncle G has already offered to put Dad in touch with the right people
Just done my first set of xmas shopping, picking up presents for The Mothership, TP and TJ, H2 I&C and I's b'day present, plus things for Not-so-Evil Mike and John Cassella and Bobby Robson.
Absolutely knackered, I hate shopping and it was too busy and if I hear "I wish it could be christmas every day" one more time, I shall kill someone.
Now I gotta wrap them all.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Relatively cheap night out, still came home with change from a tenner, Don't like this being poor lark.
Was quite proud that I knew the answer for the Roobarb and custard question and my extensive knowledge of crap tv adverts was finally put to good use by knowing that the answer as J.R.R Hartley
Then I was rewarded on the quiz machine in Union Blue by knowing that Ipswich played Charlton on Boxing day 2002.
I remember the game by Deano coming out of his area and cocking up for the first Ipswich goal, can't remember what the final score was.
Think it was 3-2 or 3-1?
Sunday, December 05, 2004
I'm round BB's, a little, ahem, busy.
The phone rings.
BB "Shitty Hell! Can't you leave it?"
"Where are you? We're going to N's. We're at your flat."
"Come down, come on."
"But I'm not at my flat. I'm at BB's. I'm a bit busy right now."
2 second pause.
Its still cracks me up to think about the tone of his voice and its the reason he was too shamed to come watch us win today. (I'll repeat that. Us win today.)
Like N says. I come across too innocent for them to handle things like that.
BB came round later too to borrow my digital camera, which typically enough for the shoddy goods that I own stopped working while I was at the football and his phone had been cut off.
So i came back after my meal with a series of increasingly desperate msn messages.
Just got back from there and the camera has offically died a death.
Gonna have to get up early too or stay up late doing my presentation for aquatic biology tomorrow, so best get on with it.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Got woken up by my phone at half eleven, STF was planning on going to Cadbury World and wanted to know if i wanted to come.
Didn't need asking twice, I was up, dressed and eaten breakfast by quarter to 12.
Bit of a journey from here to Birmingham, good hour in the car but at least I wasnt subjected to "BRUUUUUCCCEEE!!!!" like the last time i went on a road trip with STF.
It was well good, you get lots of freebies, just a shame I'm not a big chocolate person, but I'm guessing TP will be very grateful for them.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Jamie Oliver, Delia, Nigella. They have nothing on me.
I combined my three most favourite foods ever.
Crunchy Peanut butter toast (Warm bread, sniffed LF disapprovingly, when I made some for him) Jelly and Mint Ice-cream.
Sounds good right?
The reality is a bit different.
It seemed like such a good idea.
Everyone knows of the wonderfulness of jelly and Ice cream.
Jelly and toast go quite well too, best to do it without butter though.
Combining all three.
*shakes head and wanders off to do work.*
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Have I ever told you how much i love them?
They are the reason I have bunked off Rainforests to Deserts. (its ok, all the works handed in, early too, i'm allowed)
Went out to see the Man Ure/ Arsenal match and then proceeded to get very drunk, wanted to go to Spank, but STF couldn't get in.
So we went to Scream instead, and blokes just can't dance. Fact. Not that I can, you understand.
And my wrists are both a mottled pink colour, STF thinking it was fun to give me chinese burns, and pinch the inside of my thighs, and they all stole my hair bobble and phone. (god only knows who they were texting, but apparently sent a text to The Brat, insunating that i was a slag.)
But not got any worried replies, so I'm guessing whoever they text didn't care. I know they text LF too but he was at work and probably just got pissed off and deleted them.
Anyway, ended up going back to STF, where I doze off watching Shrek2 ("why am I here? I HAVE Shrek2. My flat is miles away!")
So JN walks me home, like the little sweetheart that he is and i eventually fall in bed at 3.10am, when I have to be up for uni at 8am the next morning, To be fair they did say I could stop at N's but he'd probably spend most of the night, making hit and run raids on me and I wouldnt get much sleep, for fear of attack.
Now I'm shattered and going for a sleep.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I dunno whether its some post LF Visit or the fact that in 2 and a half weeks I’m leaving Derby for good and all that that entails is depressing.
But then Xmas is always a fairly depressing time for me, see my Mothership was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness although she left the faith as soon as she could.
But it left both me and my brother, with a fear of all religion and a very cynical view of Christmas.
That’s not to say that she forced anything on us, we were welcome to go to church if we wanted and we both flirted with cubs/guides/scouts and I’ve been with MH to church sometimes, and I would never ever mock someone’s beliefs. OF, I and C and H2 are very big Christians. But religion is not for me.
Mothership always made an effort for Xmas for us, Dad is a big Xmas person and I remember her always ending up getting stressed and Dad doing the majority of the Xmas decorating, but both me and The Brat have grown up with the vague idea that Xmas is nothing special and a lot of fuss over nothing.
But every year there is the temper tantrums, and shouting as she gets frustrated with the present wrapping, and nearly every year something gets thrown across the room.
So Xmas is not dreaded by us, but looked upon with a kinda of *deep sigh. Oh God not this again.*
Then you have the question. “So what do you want for Xmas this year?”
I can’t think of a question that terrifies me more, apart from replacing the word Xmas with Birthday.
I have grown up listening to the frantic arguments and hushed discussions:
“Where are we gonna get the money from?”
“How can we afford that?”
“We could borrow this money and use the card for that?”
They did their best to hide it, but both me and The Brat always knew not to ask for the latest computer games, the trendiest trainers, the new bikes and video machines and things like the other kids.
I don’t know if it goes as much for him as me, but I hated it and even if there was something I DESPERATELY wanted, I would keep my mouth shut and not say a word.
“I don’t want anything for Xmas.”
I worried about things that kids that age shouldn’t have worried about.
Where would they get the money?
What if it meant we couldn’t pay the rent and got evicted? (I dunno why I was so fixated on that, I must have seen a programme or something like that when I was young. Things would never have got to that stage.)
Why bother wasting money on me, when it meant they could use it to pay for food or gas or bills?
I’d never say anything, cos I knew that it would have upset them that somehow their worries had got back to me.
But even to this day when, ok we may not be well off, but we are at least keeping our heads above water, I feel bad about asking or saying I’d actually like this for Christmas.
And if my friends ask what to get me, I laugh at them and say don’t bother or something little and funky.
I can’t think of one thing about Xmas that I like, I hate the false cheeriness and all that goes with it.
Guess the Ghost of Christmases Past has a lot to answer for huh?
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Its a nice little village, nowhere near as exciting as Matlock Bath, but its home of Bakewell tarts and puddings, and the worlds nicest Carrot cake.
It's quite a nice day out with TP and H3 (ex housemate from original halls of residence)
And I think I may be in love.
I don't need a man ever ever again.
Yes once again Ben and Jerry's have come to my rescue and brought out a mint edition.
I love them.
And I love mint B&J's. It's orgasmic
Monday, November 29, 2004
Pissed me off cos lets face it, I don't exactly hide the fact to anyone (but my folks) that I dont really get on with my Mum and I REALLY didn't want to go home after uni.
So What the hell is that all about then?
There has been a strange smell in my room, slightly cheesy, which baffled me cos I dont like cheese.
So i made an attempt at tracking down the smell, first suspect was my trainers, then it was the remains of the pizza box, I moved several carrier bags, several of the bottles of pepsi that I had brought for LF so he didn't have to face the awful-tasting and much dreaded Derby Water, the smell remained. I looked under the bed, wasn't there, nor was it under the pile of dirty towels.
Puzzled I sat back and considered and then I spotted it.
A sock, a rather lost and sheepish looking sock, callously abandoned by his previous owner.
This sock is now being held ransom, the smell safely contained in a zippy bag, until the LF bothers to reply to his text asking what the fuck he wants me to do with it.
One thing is for certain, I'm not taking it out of its protective bag again, not without the appropriate and obligatory gas mask.
Sunday, November 28, 2004
Woke up at 12:50 and realised just how much money I have spent this weekend, if we include the train tickets that I haven't used and the cost of my football ticket if I was buying it on the day, it works out to be about £178 easy, and that was just with the bar recipts that I could find.
No way in hell is LF coming down again, he costs me too much money!
Now H2 wants me to come out later and JF wants me to eat out, trying to let them down, gonna have to have a cheap few weeks I think.
..... Shit its us V Palace this weekend. Another day at Our Beloved Friary there!
Watski. I went on a night out in Mansfield once, its where Lizard works in the Morrison's, I remember getting very drunk and being groped all the time, which I hate, and I started a fight with a lad that grabbed the Lizards tits and then started on two lads that grabbed my ass. Bastards, I'd have decked them if MH and Lizard hadn't had been there.
Actually the funniest part of last night was listening to BB tell me how it sounds like me and LF get on really well and we should be together.
See he knew that we'd been together and it was only right that he knew he was coming to visit, and I didnt really say much about his visit, just telling him about the cut head/long-lost sister of the elephant man incident, which was probably the funniest moment of his whole stay.
So that was funny too cos I tried to wonder what would happen if he knew the truth behind it all and I wanted to tell him to find out the male perspective. (asked STF, he just told me I should have shagged him and then worried about it the next day)
Anyway. Don't care, gotta tidy my room, A bomb quite literally hit it and I need to do some work or have a nap, whatever sounds best and costs me the least amount of money.
I'm filling in some of the details from Wednesday night just so I can remember how it was and see if it makes any more sense to me in a few weeks, still kinda confused now but I dont care any more.
Saturday, November 27, 2004
Ta to Flash and Cheryl for attempting to cheer me up, its ok, Apart from feeling slightly stupid for getting excited over nothing I'll live, I'm a tough chick.
So here for Flash is my special report from Derby's only Strip Club Eden.
To be fair, I guess if you were a bloke it'd be cool, but I was the most over dressed girl in there, felt like I was wearing a bin liner from head to foot.
I'd never been to a strip club before so didnt know what to expect, but it was just dull.
I was there about an hour and just saw two girls dance, and I have to admit, what they can do with a pole is pretty impressive.
But the girls just looked bored while they danced, and none of them were very attractive, so I just sat there, while the guys leered and drank my lemonade. (still recovering from yesterday).
They did offer to pay for me to have a lapdance but I declined politely.
What a day huh?
Not only that, but we got whooped, 4-0! almost glad I didnt make it home.
I think I have made such a fool of myself.
Picked up LF Thursday night and we chilled, watched Die Hard, well I did, he snored in my ear.
Then we started to mess around like we always do, beating the shit into each other, (left him with a lovely scratch on his forehead) and eventually I plucked up the courage to ask him if he remembered what he said Wednesday night.
He thought about it for a bit, said that he remembered talking on the phone, getting very drunk and falling off his computer chair, and writing a note to say that he had to get to Derby that morning.
Me (hiding the disappointment): So you dont remember?
Him: *thinks a bit more* nope, why did I say something to offend you?
Me: Nah. *sigh.
So I've made an idiot of myself by getting excited about something that he was too drunk to remember and didnt mean and telling people that he cared.
So we go back to beating each other up and general abuse and I don't know, the way he held me sometimes. Reading too much into a situation? Possibly.
We both end up sleeping on the floor for some reason. he had a sleeping bag and we were both on the duvet and i woke up cold and he tried to roll his body onto me and share his body heat and the sleeping bag, nearly flattening me in the process.
Wake up to find him on my computer and we went on an all day bender from midday to half one in the morning, meeting up with A, STF, N and some random French guy and they all got on well.
N whispered to me that he gave me proper over-protective looks when I was messing with the others.
Came home and watched a Foo Fighters DVD.
And then he starts to mess with me, and I let it happen for a bit, mainly cos I'm drunk out of my head, but eventually reality kicks in.
"You're gonna have to stop, please stop."
we talk for a bit, and he confesses that some how he got onto this and read some of the comments that I'd put wednesday night, but got out of it as soon as he realised what it was and he was sorry for doing it and he seriously considered doing a runner while I was asleep, so credit to him for not doing that, the LF I knew a few years ago would have gone.
He only wants a bit of fun, can't give me what I want from him. That the distance is too much. Admits that we are very simular but in some ways we are very different.
So I'm well shamed that he knows how I feel about him and he dont feel the same.
So maybe he's right and it really is time I got over this stupid obsession.
So I put him on the train about half hour ago and it hurts like hell to let him go.
I know I'll always have his friendship so at least I dont have to worry about that.
But I can't believe I have made such an idiot of myself.
And I can't work out why he said such things down the phone the other night, even though I never said anything to him about my feelings.
I didnt want to go into it at the time, didnt want to seem like a bunny boiler.
Think I'm going out with the lads later today, doing the Derby mile (of pubs) and they reckon my becoming a lad education requires me visiting a strip club, so that could be interesting.
Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Stupid to get so hyper, for thinking things that I knew could never happen to me. Stupid for not hiding this better. Stupid to not realise that he was as pissed as me the other night. Stupid of me to run around telling everyone (ok, just blog people, E, Lizard, JF and TP but more than enough!). Stupid, Stupid, Stupid me
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Been laying in bed for an hour and couldnt take it any more.
Not going to the lecture this morning, gotta try and calm down, gotta sort my presentation out too.
need sleep too some point too.
I shouldnt get too hyped up, what if we talk things over and decide to remain mates? that neither of us can handle the distance thing?
He told me so.
That there is a connection, electricity between us, he's always felt it, never cared about anyone the way he's cared about me.
he's coming down. tonight.
I've gotta explain to the folks that I'm not coming home for football tonight.
Fucking hell. I'm giving up charlton V Chelsea for him. What if Spotty plays?
What if this is all drunk talk?
He told me that its the distance thing that pisses him off and its the same for me.
What do I say to the folks and fuck me what do I say to BB?
*a 3 day later edit, just so I can remember it*
We went out me, STF and the twins A and S. Beat STF on the mechanical bull only he stole my phone and text MH, BB and LF saying that he had beat me. BB who was pissed and I'm not sure gets the fact that I can hang with lads and not fancy them, replied with a pissed off text, LF wanted to know who STF was and why I had never mentioned him before.
So we text on and off all night and went to Scream which is a student only club night, asked LF why he hadnt rang me like he said. He'd forgotten, but would ring me now if I wanted. Told him I was in a club and he said can he carry on getting drunk and miserable, I said yeah and if he wanted I'd ring him when we left if he was still awake.
I spoke to him for over an hour and he asked again about the BB and I told him that it was cos I was miserable and lonely and he distracted me.
Then he drops his bombshell. Both agree that I can't leave my family at the mo and he can't leave his brothers.
Tells me off for messing with his head and I laugh and tell him he's messed with mine more, reluctantly say good night.
Text him almost straight away asking him if he wwas really coming and if he cared, he replied with that he had shaved and was almost packed and he did care.
Text again saying, see ya later and he replies with see ya soon, very soon. luv ya xx.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
She reckons I should just come out with it, thing is. I'm not going to do it down the phone, which is why I wanted him to come down so I could work out if there was any reason for me to confess all.
So I rang him yesterday instead and whittered away (read: garbled so fast due to the phone phobia that on several occasions he had to tell me to shut up so he could answer my questions.) for 20 minutes until my phone credit ran out unexpectedly on a question about whether the sea at Scarborough got ice-burgs in it in the winter.
so he text me telling me (after some persuasion) that he was very proud of me for having stuck on the phone for so long and he'd ring me tomorrow, he did talk about coming down for a weekend once he gets paid on the 30th, so we'll see on both counts.
One of the first things he asked about was the BB so do we take that as a sign of jealousy or just general interest? Answers to the usual address please!
But I tried to point out as much as possible that I dont really have any feelings for the BB and he's just something to take my mind of my general misery.
Anyway. I have for the last week spent more time playing solitaire than working on my presentation for tomorrows Rainforests and Deserts so I really need to get on with that
I also need to get back into the habit of eating properly, all I had yesterday was a mini-pizza thing, thing is for the last few days I've just not felt hungry and if I have done, I've ignored it thinking it'll go away soon and it does, which isnt the best thing to be doing I know.
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Possibly due to the only thing I had to eat all day was a ham toastie.
So I started stumbling to BB, figuring he could keep me company seeing as I was still miserable.
and I started texting LF, telling him that it didn't matter if he couldnt come up tomorrow (today) that I still loved him anyway and he was my best mate.
So to be honest I'm very glad he took that in the wrong way and I got
"You know wot. I love u2. ur one of the few people on my wavelength." (I think he was pissed too)
Wrong answer, well its not, its the right thing to say but not for my head and in my drunken state.
Cos now I'm sitting here, eating cold kebab meat and chips and wondering, yet again if there is something I should be hoping for.
We had a pretty furious text conversation last night, pre-drinking session, in which he apologised again and again for not getting the money together sooner, that he would do his best to get the money today and how gutted he was and had been looking forward so much to seeing me.
To be honest I dont think he's gonna get the money together but now I am also wondering if there is something else, cos the texts just seemed *too* intense for mates. Or am I just reading more into a situation cos I want more?
I know I moan on and on about this, but I can never work out if he's just being matey or whether he's hiding his feelings as well as I'm hiding mine.
Ah shit on this.
I'm gonna throw this shit food and go have a nap.
Monday, November 22, 2004
Its still quite possible that LF will not make it down today and I'm preparing myself for the worst, but I'm still gonna be heart-broken if he tells me I have to wait another day or calls off completely.
But I'm not gonna lose faith, I'm keeping everything possible crossed that he does make it down today, and can I ask all you fab Bloggy people to keep everything crossed for me too?
No doubt I'll be updating later in the day with the news that he can't come.
But if he does make it down, then this blog will take a little break till Wednesday at least, as I'm not quite ready to come out in front of him!
*4.16 edit* He cant get the money together, been trying all day but unsucessfully, he might try his mum again tomorrow, but if not will have to come up at the weekend sometime.
Proper gutted and he is too
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Spent all day and my Kew Gardens work is only half way done and come hell or high water it WILL be handed in tomorrow.
Plus the LF is not sure if he can make it up tomorrow as he is skint and his mum won't lend him the money, I suggested that he starts busking.
He suggested that he sells his body and I told him that would only get him to York and he'd have to find a lot of blind people.
I hope he gets the money together, I've been looking forward to this for so long.
Woke up late, decided I'd really better tidy my room in honour of LF's Impending visit, so hoovered (first time since I moved in, in September!) and took my washing down.
Dark wash, yup.
I recently brought a bright yellow smiley face T-shirt.
Did that fit in with light wash?
Well it was yellow, ok, bright glow-in-the-dark yellow, but yellow's a light colour right?
I now have bright yellow underwear, all my best pants (admittedly not many of them, but still!) are yellow. My top is yellow, my bra's are all yellow.
I could quite rapidly go off yellow.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
What a day.
Watched Harry Potter 3 last night with TP then BB asked if I'd come to his, he'd just got himself wasted on a bottle of wine and was fairly emotional.
By the time I got there he was onto the "lets be aggressive and fall over lots" stage.
Which was kinda funny.
MH text, and I think things got sorted, but according to STF today, she text him saying that we'd had a huge row, so God only knows what she's up to there, apart from being a huuge drama queen.
I'm not pissed with her anymore, I told her I was angry, she apologised, I thought that was the end of the matter, but obviously not to her!
Woke up and badgered BB until he made me breakfast in bed, sausages, burgers, toast and hash browns, what a sweetie!
While eating that, I kinda got the feeling that things were not right and when I came home I realised that I had been right and my insides were happily falling out.
Struggled down to Our Beloved Friary in order to watch us lose and then staggered back home, where I have spent the rest of the day, curled up in my bed, contemplating DIY surgery on myself, ANYTHING to get the pain to go away!
So my plan of getting work done today has been wasted, dont think I'll be out with the lads tonight and I'll be curled up, gobbling paracetemol and cursing once again the fact that I was born a girl.
Friday, November 19, 2004
1 - The Grudge, is the SHIT scariest movie ever. Normally horror movies dont bother me but that was shit scary. Me and STF we're continually hiding in our seats or grabbing each other to make each other jump.
2 - The Japanese make the best horror movies.
3 - My Brat passed his driving test, I'm never gonna hear the end of it.
4 - American English by Idlewild, is possibly one of THE most awesome songs ever. Full stop.
I got a text from The Sheep today.
"Cliff Richard. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
I'm tired of the stick I've been getting for this and the Gary Neville Shirt.
So come on, loyal readers, whats the worst thing you ever had to admit too? Come on, you can admit to it here and get it off your chest and be absolved of your sins, that STEPS CD? All is forgiven.
Fancying Paula Radcliffe? Get it off your chest now.
Thursday, November 18, 2004
1 - I don't know if something I have said to you has given you the wrong end of the stick or if you are deliberately causing trouble but do not tell LF I have feelings for him when I do not.
2 - I am not an insensitive bitch and have not been using LF to wind BB up.
3 - Our relationship may be a joke but we ain't hurting anyone.
3 - do not go to STF implying otherwise.
4 - Please stop telling me that I do not have to go home after uni, I am doing what I feel is best for my family, I am not happy about it, but I accept it, you only make matters worse by insiting that I do not need to go home.
If you are jealous that I am getting a visitor and you are not, I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do about that.
(Please note: This is an extremely edited version of an extremely pissed off email that I sent earlier today, I hate confrontation.)
On unrelated topics.
SN.... Awwww. Its melting....
Wednesday, November 17, 2004
And its not as sordid as confessing to The Sheep, that actually I quite like Cliff Richard and think the man is a Legend.
No. My confession is a little more dirty than that.
I am now sitting in front of my computer, supposedly finishing my Rainforests to Deserts presentation, in time for the England match tonight.
However, I am now wearing a new England shirt.
"Not so bad" You say.
Well, it has G. Neville on the back and his number, yes somehow STF convinced me to join the G. Neville fan club (currently 4 members, including us two) and get a England shirt with his name on the back.
He was also trying to convince me to wear it to the pub on Saturday, I nearly agreed, then realised what he was saying.
I'm sorry, I shall go and seek therapy immediately
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
So I look for other ways to entertain myself this night.
TP is busy doing uni work, BB appears to be "away" according to his MSN.
So what's a girl to do?
I sigh and find a spoon and a new tub of Ben and Jerry's half baked, and put on Lethal Weapon
MH pissed me off last night via MSN, telling me that I was too excited about LF coming down, that it was insensitive of me to go on about it to BB and accusing me of having feelings for him.
1 - I have been so miserable the last few weeks, does she want me like that all the time? Him coming to visit has given me such a lift and is helping me get all my work in on time. I'd be that excited if GT or OF, anyone that'd I'd not seen for so long came to visit.
2 - I may be a lot of things but I am not insensitive, I told BB about him coming to visit, cos that was only fair and only mentioned it once since then, the other night.
3 - I honestly dont know what my feelings are about LF, I dribble on about it here, far too much and still dont know, at the moment I see him as a valued mate, there are "what if" feelings there, but I would die than tell people that, and as far as they're all concerned he's a best mate.
STF said maybe she's jealous, she's no longer the main person in my life, LF would never have come to visit us last year without Jena, and she thought I'd be the lonely one, where as instead they've all made an effort to look after me and she's lonely in her place on her own.
Or perhaps I'm just (finally) growing up and not letting myself be ruled by well-meaning but thoughtless idiots.
Monday, November 15, 2004
A yellow ribber glove!
I have no idea why I won it, suspect it was for the 4 bottles of VK that I brought last night..
Met MH at Derby Station, and we ended up in Our Beloved Friary, meeting A and STF there.
Wit my glove proudly on one hand we met up with N and R and N's Housemate J and got carried (Why does N always end up carrying me? I dont get it.) to a bar in town, only stayed for the one there (aint i good?)
Then came home and finished the hab management, while pissed, what an achievement!
Then went to see BB and had just settled down to sleep, still proudly showing off my glove when LF text at 2am, informing me that he was pissed.
Then about half 4, I had a dream of spiders crawling up my spine and down my arm, and spiders dont really bother me but I felt the legs and I woke bolt upright, shouting.
"Oh Shit! Oh Shit!" and slapping my arm and any part of BB that didnt get out of the way quick enough
Anyway, managed to get Hab management in (Yay!) and we drove for 3 hours to see baby white fluffy seals (very, very, very, very cute) for an hour then came back home again.
Meanwhile me and LF were in the middle of a serious Text war, as we usually manage to do.
Wanted to get my own back so sent him a text hoping I'd woken him, only he was already awake and we then had a 2 hour text conversation, which ended with me deciding I was God and he was a lesser God who was only fit to lick my God-sandals and be the main God when I was on holidays.
Now I think I'm being taken out by STF and N to a pub quiz then possibly a night at Desperate and Easy.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Been working on my Hab management since I got back from football. (4-0! Go JJ!)
So I'm sorry there is no real report from my POV (not that anyone cares what I have to say), as a bonus however my essay is only 720 words short, gonna call it quits now and take it home and re edit it and hopefully bump it up tomorrow night and hand it in on Monday morning.
LF is definately coming next Monday till Wednesday and I think he has planned a lot of drinking and living off of takeaways. (I love that guy, he always has THE most awesome ideas!)
Friday, November 12, 2004
MH is meant to be visiting Sunday night. STF sent her a harsh email telling her to sort herself out and take care off me cos I was so miserable and he's trying to help but she should be there looking out for me.
Also been sorting out a "Who's who" on the side there.
Took me a while but its a work in progress so will be added to and updated sporadically.
For anyone else, we'd have missed it but we all love Granddad Alan.
So if the weather was shitty when we got up, we'd stay home, if it was good we'd go.
And yes, it was lovely and sunny when we got up, and when we got to Hardwick Hall it was cold and cloudy and overcast.
Dad was let of off hospital so came and picked me up, which is good. MH has apologised for not being around the last few weeks and is coming over on Sunday.
And LF is coming!
Monday night (for £1 a pint night!) and then we might go see MH in Sheff on Tuesday and then he's going to see his York family on Wednesday.
I can't wait, not only for other reasons, but cos he is such a great person and we always have a laugh
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
A and STF brought ALL my drinks from 6:30 until I came home at 1:30.
N carried me to the bars and kept his arm around me, knowing that I was lonely and miserable and wanting that kind of physical contact and support, without me saying anything.
I'd told STF what's been going on, on Sunday and I guess he told him, and then walking home I told A and I got the sweetest text ever from STF.
Anyway Stumbled into uni to see Not-So-Evil Mike who promised me he'd try and sort it out so I graduate, But It means I need to get all my coursework in ASAP.
Fuck. And once again. FUCK!
TP is all bouncy and full of joy cos TJ has come to stay for a few days and we went into town, where I was amused when London Calling by The Clash came on and then my Mothership rang me.
Not so amused by what she had to say.
Yes it was WonderDrug day, and at this moment Dad's not even had time to have the reaction, cos he's aenemic (bugger I can never spell that!) and has to have a blood transfusion before they even start thinking about putting the drug in him and he had a bit of a turn at that so they're keeping him in hospital overnight.
So fuck, fuck, fuck FUCK!
Going home tomorrow after uni for the Charlton/Norwich match and I'm gonna try and sort my head out cos being miserable is seriously bringing me down and I'm sick of it being the main focus of my attention and I'm sick of burdening other people with my problems.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
Except Shrek didnt work on his computer or his PS2. (Think I was lured there under false pretences!)
He's a right twitcher, I could be quite happily asleep and then the next thing I know, he suddenly pulls of a huge twitch. (Re-reading that, that could be taken the wrong way!) and there's me thinking we're in the middle of another Earthquake or on the verge of being kicked outta bed.
Or getting an elbow in the face, like last night, and it was a proper forearm smash.
Apparently, he turned to me, expecting to see tears, blood, but all he got was a mumbled "fucking hell." and then I was asleep again.
So I never really sleep well when I'm there and it doesn't help when I wake up with thoughts of rapists and attackers, to find he's draped his arm over me, and then I can never get back to sleep until he moves as I feel all claustrophobic and trapped.
(He thinks it's funny.)
Anyway I think STF Fan is organising a lads (and me!) night out, to celebrate me handing in the I.S, which will involve them buying me drinks all night long!
Ecept I have to be in uni for 9 AT THE VERY LATEST tomorrow for a meeting with Evil Mike.
Monday, November 08, 2004
Sitting here now thinking about all the things that I did wrong on it and playing that old game of "What grade am I gonna get?"
Feel like there should be more celebrating.
You know, there should be champaine water fights, like on the F1 on telly, there should be confetti, a fanfare, and fireworks and candyfloss.
I think I may go get some ice-cream to celebrate - Oh yes, I know how to party - Go me!
Sunday, November 07, 2004
I can't wait to hand it in tomorrow, I'm going to read it over several times before then and make the pointless little edits but I am so relieved.
THE I.S IS FINISHED!!!
Its over 30 pages long, and I'm sure after all this effort I'm still gonna end up with my usual set of D's for it, but its over, now all I need to do is print it off at uni as I'm still inkless here and hand it in.
Going straight in after my driving lesson, so hopefully it will all be in by 1pm at the latest and I'm not going to Aquatic Biology just so I can have some time off to chill before sitting down to catch up with all my other neglected work.
But it's done.
The Voles I.S is over ad I'm never doing anything like that again!
Saturday, November 06, 2004
He's had an accident himself, got slammed into by a pallet truck and pinned against a concrete post, so is off on sick pay.
This is either a good thing that he's coming to visit or a bad thing.
A - it means the BB will probably get pissed, and not want to see me anymore, which could be a good thing, cos I'm growing more and more aware that I cannot allow this situation to continue.
B - Just getting the texts was making me fluttery in the tummy and eager for more, so it is possible that I'll get drunk one night while he's here and confess all, and be rejected, as from the way he was sounding tonight, he now just sees me as a mate.
But we'll wait and see.
First away win of the season!
Against the managerless Spurs too! - means plenty of taking the piss outta Dad.
I'm off to see the Markeaton park fireworks later, so gotta hop in the shower and find some warm clothes to wear.
I'm going to confess now that after the excitement of hearing Stevie Brown on the radio had worn off. I missed most of the Charlton 2nd half, I fell asleep with us two-nil up and woke up to find us down to 10 men and the score 3-2!
*wonders who she can "borrow" in order to watch MOTD tonight*
Also having a bit of a panic about the Voles (Due in Monday) Its done, but only has 9 references and is 800 words short of the minimum, This Is Not A Good Thing.
Will be out watching Manchester Utd V City tomorrow, which promises to turn into a bit of an all dayer, so I'm gonna have to get my head down in order to pad it out a bit.
Spent the night round BB's flat, rather successfully cheering myself up.
Normally I am a happy drunk, I dance, I do karaoke (both very badly!), I crack bad jokes, and attempt to stand up for myself, being mostly the only girl out with lads, and I have to take the inevitable remarks about Charlton, I wrestle with N and lose often.
No-one really knows that I go home and cry.
Except last night, possibly due to the fact that I had been throwing my food up all day, before going out and celebrating the not-failing-but-not-passing of the dreaded Driving Test.
It all started so well, UDOBF had a packet of cheap sparklers so we played in Our Beloved Friary's beer garden.
I won a game of Pool. (The Sheep joined us, but I wasn't going to let it spoil my fun). I lost 2 other games.
Then BB text, he's apologised for this and I don't think he realised how hurt it made me, thought that I'd take it as a joke. "Fancy a fuck love?"
Obviously I told him where to go.
But then I got thinking, "He thinks I'm shit, just like everyone else does." and I started to get upset.
See for a very long time before I came to uni, I believed this, I was so utterly convinced that I was nothing. Don't suppose the Mothership helped when I've overheard her tell her mates that she would have rather had The Brat than me.
(This is cos of his special needs and all the problems when he was little, I understand now why she said that.)
But it hurt and I never forgot it, I was only 8 or 9 at the time, another time, I tried to explain to her why I was so miserable at school, why the other kids hated me.
I think I was about 16 or 17 at the time and I'll never forget the way she turned to me and told me my life was worthless anyway.
I don't know why she said it or whether I took it the wrong way.
But it just seemed to confirm everything I had ever suspected.
So even though others told me different I believed that I was nothing and had no self-esteem and no self-confidence.
Then LF showed up and I finally began to think, "Well hey, he likes me, he wants to be with me, perhaps I'm not this piece of nothing like I've always thought."
And so I began to come out of myself a little, to assert myself a little.
Which is why MH can't believe that I go round BB's and I know he's using me and I don't care cos I'm using him, and when he's asleep and has his arm around me, or tells me I have great tits/ass/whatever and that I do whatever he wants me to do really well, it makes me feel better and believe that I'm not that worthless.
Anyway, I thought once uni was over I'd never have to go back, except obviously I have to go home now.
And I am so afraid, not only of what I've already said here before several times before.
I am afraid that The Mothership will take away this little, tiny piece of self-esteem that it has taken so long to grow.
So I cried in Our Beloved Friary, and then walked round to BB's and fooled around to cheer myself up a little.
Friday, November 05, 2004
Somewhere between here and the test centre I got a slow puncture, so couldnt do the test...
So after a day of throwing up and not being able to eat cos of being so nervous, I didn't have to take the test.
Does this count as my 7th test or do we scratch that one from the record?
Either way, me, CL and UDOBF and possibly Jitsu Freak and TP later are going out to get pissed.
Sadly the lads are all working so can't join us and BB is all preoccupied by his PS2.
Whats the betting that the next time I hear from him will be when he wants something?
Thursday, November 04, 2004
I'm trying to pretend it ain't happening at the mo, was doing a good job too until ITFC wished me good luck leaving uni.
Tempted to ring BB and see if he wants to help distract me tonight.
Anyway I've just done my good deed for the day, helped the new Korean girl find out how to get from here to Stansted airport so she can go home for Xmas, She's quite sweet really, really keen to talk, but I'm terrible, I get the giggles at some of the way she mis-pronounces things.
I shouldn't do really, God only knows I had enough practise interpreting The Brat when he was having all the problems with his speech and I know how hard it is to get yourself across.
But I think I helped her ok so she can take that information down to the Coach station and book the right tickets.
Its Father's and Sons here tonight, passing all these people in fancy dress.
Basically its a sports society night out.
The Lads teams (rugby, cricket, football etc) are the fathers and the girls teams are the sons and they all dress up in costumes and get adopted by those in the same family.
E.G a Footballer could be a Doctor and adopt a girl's footballer who is a nurse.
I don't think I've explained that very well, but its a hell of a laugh, shame I'm stuck indoors doing the Voles.
(In on Monday - Yippie and ARRGGHH at the same time!)
Wednesday, November 03, 2004
The growth on the lung has shrunk slightly.
But as always the liver and adrenal gland one have grown.
So its good that the WonderDrug has worked slightly but there is the worry now that as Dad has had the bad reactions that he'll be taken off the drug as they said they would if he had another bad reaction.
So its good and kinda bad news too.
Tuesday, November 02, 2004
Tomorrow we find out if the drug has worked or not, if Dad is still losing weight or not.
Even if the drug has worked if Dad has another anaphalatic shock, he comes of the drug anyway, so what do you hope for, seeing as it looks pretty likely that the drug will give him another shock?
Guess who DIDN'T spend all night at BB's house?
Guess who only came home at 8am, and has a driving lesson at 9:30, and has about 30 minutes sleep?
(Damn I have good willpower!)
Guess who fucked up her Stats and made Jitsu Freak come round and rescue them?
Monday, November 01, 2004
This Friday I will attempting Driving Test number 7!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring on the breakdown!
Sunday, October 31, 2004
an hour and three quarters journey took 3.
We got diverted somewhere past Kettering and then stopped for twenty minutes outside of Leicester.
The train was going so fast I could have outwalked it!
Still it gave me some time to sort things out with BB.
We both agree we dont want anything serious but I refuse to sleep with anyone I'm not in a serious relationship with so we're kinda at a draw.
Except the damn bastard has made me feel as horny as hell and he knows it, so I think that means the three points go to him.
I think we could get to be very good mates, but whether he'd want that is a different matter, I'd like to be mates, he's funny and a good giggle.
I don't mind a bit of messing about, cos I know its not going to go any further and its only a bit of fun, but I don't want to be thought of as easy so think our -ahem - night time games may have to come to an end.
I'm not sure he wants to be just mates but hey, its his loss and like I say I don't feel bad about going round to his the other night when I was drunk.
Its Halloween and I'm deprived of a TV to watch scary movies and no fancy dress halloween party here, like we used to do at our house.
I'm well gutted that I don't even have a scary DVD to watch, I love scary movies at any time of the year but it feels compulsary to watch a scary movie at halloween.
STF being the coolest person ever, text and demanded that I come and help him work his way through the ENTIRE Nightmare on Elm Street collection, sadly I only made it through the first film before needing my sleep
Saturday, October 30, 2004
There was a bonus to going home, I should remember that, I came home and found lots of stuff out for Habitat Management, so what if I didn't get any I.S done?
We didn't win today.
I get the feeling that its going to be a long, season.
Was pleased that J.J scored, I remain hopelessly optimistic that he will find his first season form again and Konchesky showed up as a late sub, we'd been wondering where he was earlier in the day.
I quite like Konch, I dunno what Curbs seems to have against him as to why he don't play very often.
I totally missed the own goal as I had turned to hand Granddad the programme, guess that was a bonus too!
Anyway, Jerome Thomas who was one of the few highlights from Wednesday night, also had another good game, I thought and I have to say that I think Luke Young has improved a hell of a lot this season, getting forward and everything.
MH text all excited telling about seeing Mark DeBolla, from when we went to Chesterfield last season and I told him I was stalking him, (Worrying both him and his missus!)
She also noted that Jamal Campbell-Ryce was a "Dirty little basket." as she put it.
You may also have noticed that I now have a "contact me" on the side there----->
Originally when I started this blog it was just for me to whinge off privately in, away from prying eyes, then somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to have comments and things, and then to have other people who read this, although I'm sure my readership equals about 3 people and I'm still freakily afraid of someone I know finding out about this.
Anyway, I tried to send JAKARTASS an email so I can claim my prize but if you never receive the email, would it be possible to contact me on that?
Off now to watch "Straw dogs" with Dad, possibly taking in a little MOTD so I can laugh at Manure!
Ok, its winning by default (de-fault, de-fault, the two sweetest words in the English language!) but still mail of any kind is dead exciting, especially mail from Abroad!
Am quite tempted to sell the picture on Ebay and make my fortune but think I'll be too excited by the post to sell any part of it!
Friday, October 29, 2004
I guess he needs something to spend his millions on.
Bet he was well impressed about being described as an "England ace!"
Biker Boy text last night, the first time I'd heard from him since Sunday night after I'd been telling Jitsu Freak all about my escapades on MSN.
Anyway I text him back last night and then not heard nothing.
So not sure where I stand there, To be fair, I deliberately didn't text him or contact him in any way after Sunday to see what he would do, and as I hadn't heard anything assumed it was like some sort of one night thing.
Have I been fucked over? Was he only texting to find out whether I was free to go round there? Is it wrong that I still don't care either way? Will I get to use my Fuck yourself with a cactus line?
I got locked out of my own house today.
I'd gone back down the Heritage centre today, couldn't find any more useful info so came home and M&D had gone to ASDA.
I did have keys, I dunno where my house keys are so had borrowed Dad's.
I couldn't get into the house, couldn't even get into the porch!
I sat on the front wall for 15 minutes before the neighbours came up to rescue me.
It was freezing and I was wondering if they had done the "Change the locks" thing.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Nothing that I could see as being taken as offensive or degoratory.
He called them the Pal-arse instead of Pal-is and said it was us against That Lot.
Surely if we're going to sack him, we should also get rid of the guy who put up a little film of us beating them last time we played them?
Anyway, you can read more about it here, (including a match report, I'm far too depressed about the result still to put links up to other match reports and give my version of the game) and here and get his apology here.
I want him back!
Meantime I have plans to cure my general depression by watching my tape of the '98 playoff final and eating Ben and Jerry's - which lets face it is THE king(s) of Ice cream.
Isn't it terrible that a football result has managed to bring this result to me? Then again I think a lot of it is everything thats going on as well.
Hopefully once all the I.S is in a huge weight will be off my shoulders.
At the mo I feel like I'm getting bogged down in a never ending mess of Dad being "A walking corpse" as the Brat described him/trying to help E, who is taking a turn for the worse/The fact that I'm taking a backwards step in going home/I'm terrified of losing the tiny bit of self confidence and esteem that I got from being away, and being with Mothership who takes it all away/screwing up this, my most important term/not being able to look after everyone.
It all seems to be going round and round my head at the mo and not getting an escape route.
So yeah, its all a hell of a lot and I dunno why all of a sudden it seems to be leaning heavily on my shoulders, when I can least afford it too.
About Brian Cole (Our stadium announcer) being sacked over comments he made last night.
I don't remember hearing anything that bad,
About Granddad's new dog and my "Hilarious" trip to Mycenea house and then down to the Woolwich Arsenal to investigate the heritage centre and do work for Hab Management.
But the thing is I can't be bothered.
The general "Why bother with anything?" Feeling is coming over me and I just feel like being miserable and watching TV, snuggled into my duvet until the heavy feeling in my stomach decides to go away.
Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Yes! I'm running to catch the 1pm train (plenty of time in case of inevitable delays) so I'm in London by 3pm, home by 4 at the very latest.
E has text me saying that the regulars in her shop are coming in to wish us Luck, TP is sick of me stressing over and over just HOW important this match is.
I am not yet feeling guilty over missing my Thursday Lectures. (This might change if we lose) Hab Management A is in, I'm just packing now and handing the laptop over to TP so she may amuse her self with DVD's over the weekend.
I'm all jittery with nerves.
Will we win? We must Win, We have to Win, I'd rather win tonight than at the Weekend.
Please send all your good luck vibes to a little corner of South East London tonight!
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Its possibly the biggest piece of crap that I've ever written for uni and I've written some stinkers before.
But Considering I had to change my original plan on Monday and have been forced to write this on my own knowledge, two textbooks and Greenwich Councils very, very helpful(!) website and others (Big no-no) I now have two pages on Oxleas Woods, yes that site of dogging (Not putting the link I found on google up, however tempted I might be, I think I might be scared of the people that visit here from there)
Anyway, I've written about Oxleas woods and how its managed and if i struggled to do it with 2 pages God only knows how I'm gonna find 4,000 words.
(I realise I'm sorta alienating people who are not "local" now, so feel free to skip the rest of this.)
I'm trying to find more out about how they were planning to destroy some of it, way back in 1993, I was still in Primary school then so my memories of it was a little hazy but I remember My Year 6 teacher getting right up there and practically chaining herself to a tree.
Its been pretty interesting really, Did you know that parts of it are over 8,000 years old?
I mean even for a wood thats old, ancient woodlands in general are pretty rare so to have this practically on my doorstep is pretty amazing, and I can't believe I didn't know this.
I still need to find >some >more, actually a hell of a lot more information.
Not sure exactly where to go to get it though, would it be worth checking out Blackheath and Greenwich libaries, I think Charlton House has information about the local area is it worth looking there?
Who knows, Gonna have to find out when I go back tomorrow.
(Getting excited about the Charlton/Pal-arse match, very, very, very excited)
I just feel really bluegh about everything and I can't put one reason down as the main reason that I feel this way, although listening to Snow Patrol doesnt seem to have helped much.
I've also decided that I have fallen in love with a cartoon character.
Have you seen the video to Scissor Sisters "Mary"?
Its not that guy so much, he's far too muscled for me, its just that bit at the end when he goes to kiss her and its blatently her first kiss and she gets a fit of the giggles and then he kisses her on the nose and she's all like "Heeyyy?"
It brings back a few memories for me and yes this is how low I have sunk, I am jealous of a cartoon for having someone willing to transform themselves into an owl for her.
I text LF earlier telling him that He has pushed me so far that I am actually going to be supporting Millwall tonight and that I hope he felt bad that I have that on my conscience as well as all the other shit thats going on.
Your Existing Situation
Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.
Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others' confidence in herself.
Your Actual Problem
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.
Monday, October 25, 2004
I only discovered this an hour before Kick-off.
"TP - you'd like to come to see FREE football wouldn't you?"
"You dragged me to two games yesterday, I'm all footballed out."
Ok, am not beaten yet.
Go through phone book hunting out people who may like to take in the football.
Most laughed at me.
Did consider calling Bobby Robson but thought it might be a bit cheeky and I REALLY need to start Habitat Management A, that needs to be in on Wednesday at the latest.
So I've been looking up ancient woodland in London for the last hour, and (mostly) playing solitaire and chatting on MSN.
Oh Yes - I am the Queen of putting stuff off.
Can see me spending all day Tuesday stressed and trying to do it.
Then time for action! (e.g the Manure/Arse match)
Was meant to be meeting Biker Boy after the game but he called off with that serious and life threatening disease known as Man-Flu.
So asked if I'd come to his after the game.
N,R,A and STF were naturally gutted that they couldn't check him out and demanded that I stand him up.
"If you go to his, he'll think you're easy." N pointed out wisely. "Stay out till 9 at least, without giving him a reason then go round, but I think you should stay out with us all night."
I didnt really get much chance to argue, He carried me (quite literally - nearly dropping me on my head at one point) to different bars and he and STF brought me doubles so I had to stay!
Anyway, did go about 9-ish and I got the "Dad Talk" from N.
I've never had the Dad Talk so was quite impressed. He might be a sarky bastard but he cares.
"Its worth waiting for but make sure you don't get made to do anything you dont wanna do, and if he gets a bit much for you, we'll kick his head in for you."
Anyway, we watched Predator and part of Alien3, and then found other ways to entertain ourselves!
Not that we did anything major, just messed about a little, could have gone all the way pretty easily but I have Will-Power!
Walked back here about 1:40 and went to bed.
He's not text me yet today and I dont think he will.
To tell the truth I'm not really that fussed, I dunno if I should be or not, or feel used, but frankly I don't really give a shit either way.
If he did text now asking me to come round I'd text back telling him to go fuck himself with a cactus.
Sunday, October 24, 2004
Mentioned to MH that I was meeting Biker Boy (BB) after the game, next thing I know I'm getting interigated online by STF who told me that he's bringing R and N to Our Beloved Friary to check him out and make sure he's good enough for me.
Which is sweet... I guess.
STF did ask if he was gay cos he don't like football, and joked that he'd try and get R to chat him up.
Frightened now. Never telling MH anything in private again!
Saturday, October 23, 2004
Hate Liverpool and I hate LF, my inbox is full of abusive and mocking texts.
We'll show them down the Valley though.
Feel so ill, only had one drink and that was such a bad idea.
Gonna tidy my room a bit, have a shower and eat some Ben and Jerrys and go to bed.
Should really text that guy too, but dunno if i can be arsed too
So very, very tired.
Damn my inability to pass up a challenge and damn Aftershock to hell.
One day I'll remember my vow that I CANNOT handle Aftershock and I detest the stuff, and I will remember that if I want to go out drinking I will eat at least more than one meal a day.
It was E's younger sister's birthday see, in New Eltham, and most of the night sorta goes into a blur.
Except doing "oops upside my head" with E's youngest cousin T. (They will never think of me as the cool older sister they all want again.)
And then having a tearful Mutual Appreciation Society meeting with E later, you know the kind I mean.
"I fucking love you, and I'd kill anyone that upset you, and I'm so upset cos I want to help you but I don't know how."
"I fucking love you too, and I wanna help you too."
"We rule, d'you wanna nother drink?"
Anyway, woke up at 9 and past out again and had a strange dream involving Paul Konchesky drawing something that looked vaguely like the leaning tower of Piza on his knee, after I had pushed him over, complete with little cartoon tourists taking pictures..
And going round to his house to watch Shrek in his bed, eating ice - cream and then I woke up.
So hungover and tired, I have made my way back to Derby in order to watch the Charlton/Liverpool match, however I'm finding it hard to rustle up excitement, even though I think there is a very, very good chance we'll win (I've doomed us now.)
Friday, October 22, 2004
I woke up and discovered that The Brat has stuck post-it notes all over the house, leaving instructions as to how to get downstairs, get to the bathroom, the kitchen etc.
The Mothership nearly wet herself laughing at me.
But the thing is I've always had a bad sense of direction.
I remember getting a bus to Woolwich when I lived in the Estate and me and Oldest Friend, thinking quite reasonably to pick up the 53 from The Standard rather than Charlton Village.
We went to New Cross before realising our mistake...
Another time me and B went to see Independence Day, this was when Well Hall still had a cinema.
We tried to get on a bus that would take us back to Shooters Hill.
We went via Crystal Pal-arse.
Ok so these were when I was quite young, so little misadventures can be explained away.
But Earlier this year I was coming home for football and saw that in a minute there was a train to Blackheath.
Whoo I thought, and walked up to the platform.
The Train went to Mottingham before I realised my mistake...
I was kindly rescued by a man who had been released from Belmarsh earlier that week, I didn't dare ask what he had done to get locked up!
In my defence I'd like to point out that I spend about 9 months of the year at the moment in Derby so little mistakes in commuting should be expected and as of yet I have not got lost between Derby and London Bridge, so you know I'm not that bad!
Thursday, October 21, 2004
Been texting TP saying he can't wait till Sunday to see me.
Wanted to see me last night but there was no way I was going out due to Kew trip.
Wanted my number but phone phobia was kicking in and I didn't want to ring someone I didn't know.
Was up at 6:30 for the trip, walking to uni at 6:50 is a bit scary, I walk through a park and a bit of a rough housing estate see, only way for me to get there from where I live, ordinarily not a problem, not nice however in the pitch black, jumping at every leaf scuttling on the floor convinced it was a rapist/mugger/boogeyman.
Anyway got there ok, and set off at 7:30, started a conversation with Surfer Boy (SB), just a word here, - he is abso -FUCKING- lutely gorgeous, scruffy hair, fading brown permatan, and not overly muscled and a happy round face, everyone who knows him and those who don't, have crushes on him.
He's from Cornwall and was supposed to have graduated last year with most of the gang. But messed up a bit and is taking two modules in order to get the "with honours" bit of the degree.
So anyway, I was dead chuffed to have him to chat too as it makes a change from the usual mature students that I talk to on this module.
He's very nice to talk to, quiet and listens and is willing to play silly buggers - we ended up racing our wheely chairs across the lecture room.
Gonna stop drooling now, he has a gf and after spending the day in his company makes me think he's a lad I'd rather have as a very good mate.
Anyway the day was boring we were meant to go round examining the plants from dry conditions and moist and write about how its adapted.
Ok, we have a camera on our phones for a reason, and we made good use of that, writing down the latin names and wandering around, we can do THAT at home!
Afternoon was spent in the same way wandering round the grounds as Paul was being a bastard as usual and wouldnt let me go when I was done so had to wait till 4pm.
I got to Kew Garden tube stop ok and transferred my tube at westminster and got to North Greenwich easy as pie.
Now here's where I went wrong, Instead of getting the bus heading to The Standard which would have taken about 10 or 15 minutes.
I suddenly realised I had gone under the Blackwall tunnel.
Which is in the wrong direction...
It took me an hour to get back to North Greenwich Station and get back on track.
Bloody Rush hour
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Again, Respect to her!
So I came home, all ready to do battle with the I.S.
Instead I ate half a packet of Jaffa cakes and went to sleep for an hour.
Tomorrow I am going on a field trip. To Kew Gardens.
I have to be in uni by half 7!!!!
This means getting up at half 6.
What The Fuck?!
There are some bonuses to this, it means I score a free(!!) trip to London, and a day out, away from Granddad Alan and the usual dreariness of a full day at uni.
The bad side to this is that:
I have to be up at half 6.
I have to lug E's sister P's birthday present around with me all day, so it will probably be in no fit state for her birthday party on the Friday night.
I have to be up at half 6.
Means I wont get any I.S done on Thursday and Friday.
I had to get my ticket routine disrupted (normally I buy return from Derby, instead its now return from London.)
I have to be up at half 6.
I'm not entirely sure how to get from Kew to Kew tube stop, so its a pretty good chance that i'll get lost.
I have to ride the district line (upminster) to Embarkment, transfer over to Charing Cross and come home this way. *Note* not a complaint, just a reminder to myself.
I have to be up at half 6.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
He ran away with Dad's doctor's notes and enquired as to me coming and graduationg with everyone else.
Only the exam timetable is at the same time as graduation and I obviously can't take the exams early.
So I may be buggered afterall, or I can have my own private graduation with me and my family and the Vice-Chancellor.
I dunno, that seems a bit of a cop-out, after all this shit I want the proper graduation bit.
Think JC could see that on my face, he said he'd have words with Evil Mike, the head of the Biology division and Karim, who's head of zoology.
So maybe we'll get something sorted out, I'm not holding out much hope though really.
Still unsure of best move to make, not sure whether to get hold of his number and text him or wait and see what happens on Sunday, which reminds me that I need to book train tickets so I can come back after P's party and watch Us V Liverpool in Derby.
Monday, October 18, 2004
He used to go out with Ditzy J. (DJ)
we got on quite well, he was very drunk through, so i invited him to watch the football with us on Sunday even though he's a motorbike fan and not a football fan.
*shakes head* deluded poor little soul
they walked us home and he's a pretty good kisser!
so now i'm confused.
I think I'd like to meet up with him again, but I have so much shit going on, is it fair to start a relationship with anyone?
I dont want to lead anyone on, I had enough of that shit with The Sheep, which I can now accept was partly my fault.
I like him, but dunno if its like that.
This is getting pointless.
He wont show on Sunday cos he was pretty well pissed when he left us.
9.40 driving lesson tomorrow!
I am not, repeat NOT going to do this again.
Was up at 7, got to Blackheath Station at 8, onto the platform at 20 past, find out train's cancelled.
have mild panic about missing the train.
Jump on 8:36 to Cannon Street, getting buffeted and barged by all the commuters and getting knocked off balance by the big backpack on me.
Spend the ride up to London Bridge, reading "Bridget Jones" (confirms everything I thought that it would be a pile of shite) over a womans shoulder, also getting a good dose of her hair stuck to my lips.
My own fault for putting vaseline on them before getting on the train.
Big queue to get ticket to St Pancras.
Panic getting a bit bigger now.
Find out first tube is delayed due to someone pressing panic button.
I start hyperventilating.
Miss the next two tubes due to too many people battering me and my backpack.
Catch 3rd tube.
We get stopped somewhere near Bank.
I'm about to have heart attack at missing my train.
Reach St P. by 9.55
Wonder why I can't see train to Sheffield.
Nervous breakdown ensues.
me, near tears: "oh fuck, fuck, FUCK! I'll never get to fucking Derby in time."
I sink onto my bag and examine departures timetable.
Something rings a bell.
I pull out ticket and examine it.
My train leaves at 10:25.
I'm supposed to reach Derby at 12:05.
I retreat downstairs to get a sugar fix.
Reach Derby only 5 minutes late,
Pit stop in Maccyd's.
Stop off in halls to drop backpack off and collect uni bag.
Reach uni for 1:44.
Lecture starts 2pm.
Off to watch Spurs v Pompey now at Our Beloved Friary.
Sunday, October 17, 2004
Going down to the game today, I was in high hopes, afterall the last game i'd seen was the snore-draw against Saints and anything had to be better than that!
There was an absolutely beautiful clear rainbow over Harvey Gardens, and I wished I had my phone with me in order to take a picture. (How strange does that sound?!)
Mum was accompanying us to the game as Dad didnt want to risk the rain and The Brat had to work.
We spotted the Newcastle flag flying from the flat beside the Jimmy Seed, apparently it belongs to J who was at Mum's nursery and who's mum lives in the flats and was a fanatical Toon.
Scary Matthew was clearly the worse for wear as he hardly screamed abuse throughout the game.
So the game itself, (this computer seems to be going gaga so I cannot open SkySports and add links to proper reports but I will do later).
Danny Murphy seemed to have a better game today.
Lee Bowyer had a goal ruled out for a foul so blatent that even my Mum noticed it but just a few minutes later Bellamy scored.
With the second half came rain, luckily from my seat near the front of the East stand I am sheltered from the worst of the weather, but I got soaked when the wind changed, having only my shirt and fleece on.
Our goal was pretty impressive. They gave it to Lisbie but it looked more like an own goal by O'Brian (given to him by teletext).
Mum who had spent most of her time, engrossed in the programme was fascinated by Shearer's taking his shirt off and swopping it for Hughes's.
Then I think the highlight of her day came when Matty went off after a clash of heads and changed his shorts and came back with a rather spanky looking head bandage.
The game proper livened up after Jeffers came on and we hit the woodwork several times, and I felt we were unlucky in both cases not to score, but it was typical Charlton!
Oh well, next home game is the Cup match against Pal-arse and its back to Derby by 12:30 hopefully, in time for my lecture at 2pm!
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Hundreds of nice new linky things, I'm getting good now, it only took me an hour to suss it all out!
I look at all these blogs but there's actually very few that I comment on, mainly cos I kinda get the same feeling like when I'm butting in to a conversation.
Which is a kinda daft thing really.
Also cos I feel all I leave on other sites is gibberish and its ok to leave gibberish here but not on other's sites!
Football Tomorrow! Hurrah! Its been ages!
Then he was...
Then he's coming back...
Then he wasn't....
Peacock has a book due out soon too. Will it beat Curb's book? I swear when I was in halls I heard about Curbs' book and saw it advertised on Amazon and its still not out.
We went to see Nanny and Granddad after our trip to Bromley, Nan is obviously still not over mum's "Stealing." and walked out of the room when we came in and sat upstairs all the time we were there.
I know its her illness and whathaveyou, but its not fair on Mothership as she has to deal with that as well as Dad.
*Sigh* families huh, who'd have them?