Saturday, December 31, 2016

So our annual end of year review.

GOOD POINTS - No one died this year. Well no one I know despite 2016's attempt at destroying people.
I still have a job.
I still have the dog and the horse.
I am slowly wriggling out of debt - another 26 months to go! God I wish I'd taken the loan sooner.
Russia - despite breaking up with Welshy, it was lovely
Exploring various places via flyball and the dog

I am desperately lonely.
I am still so very, very poor
Its another lonely New Year and work again on Tuesday and the usual pretence about having had a good time, I feel like I've wasted this week of free leave somehow.

So as normal FUCK OFF 2016 and Hello 2017.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Its not been too bad a Christmas so far, The usual bout of lies about what i'm doing, going up to see the horse, walking the dog. I've been painting the upstairs hall and I think one more coat should do it. I was hit by a pang in the bottom of my stomach that made me feel sick when I saw that Welshy had been with his friends in London and not been to see me, but I remind myself there is no need for him to do so now.

I cut my hair off. Well I got a professional to do it. 6 inches gone and now we sport a casual little bob, I got my contact lenses back, just a pay as you wear type deal.

And here I am starting my vow early to blog at least once a week. I might have a nap now. That's the best thing about Christmas. Two weeks then I go to Rome!

Friday, December 16, 2016

So Wednesday when I blogged, I was hit by a fit of loneliness. I'd gone to bloody ASDA just to be around people, clutching my Yankee Candle and repeating silently. Fiercely. I am not Lonely. I am not Lonely.

Yesterday was a better day, I find my depression - if that's what I've battled all these years - to be hit and miss like this, up days and down days. Of course now with the dog I cannot let it win like I used to. I cannot simply spend the day sleeping in bed. She needs me. I must get up, I must get her breakfast and dinner ready, I must take her for at least two hours of exercise throughout the day.

So it manifests itself in other ways, aimless fantasies about how satisfying it would be to be fully independent, to reject Welshy should the unlikely occurrance of him suddenly appearing at my door from Russia and telling me that he had made a huge mistake.

This is another blog post for another day. The sudden realisation in the summer that, I had fallen out of love with him a long time ago, and my grief was the grief of losing my best friend and the fear of being alone. Well I'm alone now, and I was alone before him and I was alone when he was away. So what's the fucking difference really?

So Thursday after work I made a really nice (even if I say so myself) bacon and mushroom carbonana, I started to paint the upstairs hall - context - It has been bare plaster work for 6 years and I tidied the kitchen and I did some writing.

I kept busy. I mean I am busy every day, dog walking, work, horse riding, Spanish, tidying up after my brother's filth. Flyball. But focused busy. I have a plan.

Today I took the afternoon off. I made an appointment to get contact lenses again. I rode the horse early and then came home, made another pasta dish and did some more painting. I booked an appointment to get the brakes checked on the car. I can afford such things now!

I am taking next Wednesday off. Then we close on Friday for Christmas, I was dreading it a little, all that time with nothing to do but drift aimlessly. I have a plan.
The dog is overdue some nice long walks. I have not had my haircut in two years. I am going to book a real appointment in a real terrifying hairdressers. I realise my outdoorsy lifestyle means I cannot have too drastic a change, but I'm going at least to get a trim and be baffled by words like feathering, and layers, and highlights and lowlights.

I will finish painting the hall, at least the first coat. I will do some necessary repairs to the aviary. All being well I shall return to work, with new hair and new eyes so to speak! A minor image change!

And then I am at work for two weeks and then I am going to Rome which I did promise to tell you about and I shall explain the circumstances behind this soon.

But now, in my upcycle of motivation. I'm going to tell you my new years resolutions.

1 - I will sit the DELE A2 exam finally. February or April.
2 - I will blog - if not every day, at least once a week.
3 - I will go on at least one foreign holiday by myself.
4 - I will write that story, and see what happens with it.

I set myself various challenges to achieve before 30. Some remain and will probably remain uncompleted, like having my own home, yes I can speak Spanish but I do not class myself as fluent, I would like to reach B2 level before I would class myself as that, that may take a long, long time, but I am shitloads better than this time last year, this time two years ago. Fuck I'm a shitload better than 4 years ago when I lived in Spain.
Most took longer to achieve than I planned.

Tomorrow People. I will tell you about my planned trip to Rome.

There are good days and bad days in my life, and I expect there this will continue with battling the bad days more than the good but I have to remember that I am a fucking awesome human, who has seen and done some pretty cool shit and that should be enough to get me through the bad days.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

In November I went out to Grotty - first trip in 6 years. I tied it up with a Spic course - actually had conversations - however stilted with people! Super chuffed with myself. The course I found harder and harder as the week went on although it was stuff I had covered.

I scuba dived as well and that was pretty cool and it was bearable being with them and then Mother came home (she has just gone again) three weeks later.
She has been given a preliminary payment from the wills of 68k. Remember how she said that I could have a third of whatever she got?
Yeah she forgot that. She said she didnt want to give me anything as she didnt want it wasted on paying off debts.
The debts that I got into after getting sacked after looking after her and being the go-between between her and her ridiculous family.
I cried. I have had to visit the pub up the road to go to the loo when I couldn't afford toilet rolls, had to choose between repairing shoes with holes or buying enough food for the week. I who blow a stupid amount of money on repaying loans and credit card bills and buying items like bleach, and lightbulbs and bin bags despite the Brat earning more than me, he refuses to spend out on anything.
Remember when the job centre refused to give me any money because I went to an interview rather than go sign on, despite giving them all the proof needed?
Remember when they told me I could get an emergency loan and then pay it back out of the JSA?
Remember when I took time off of work to support her in Court after their trumped up excuses and taking time off of work to go see Nanny?

Yeah. I do. I have had the thoughts of 20k - hell even 5k would clear my debts to keep me going for the last two years. And then it got snatched away.

She did  - to be fair - give me a thousand pounds. That's a 1/3 of my credit card paid off. And I was never mentioned in the will and therefore I cannot say or do anything. I am not my family. I will drag myself out of fucking debt my own way and if it means my only hope is now gone, then so be it.
I am not as fucking broke as I was this time last year having to accept a food parcel from E and P's mam.

Hell I even brought a Yankee Candle tonight and if that's not burning money I don't know what is!!

Xmas is coming and i'm feeling goddam lonely, but that will be a post for another night - including how I managed to book myself onto a flight to Rome which I realise makes a mockery of above or alternatively shows how I've managed to free myself so much that I can book these things. Maybe this time next year I could consider a longhaul flight although doing so alone frightens me.
But again a post for another day.