I've just got in.
Spent the night round BB's flat, rather successfully cheering myself up.
Normally I am a happy drunk, I dance, I do karaoke (both very badly!), I crack bad jokes, and attempt to stand up for myself, being mostly the only girl out with lads, and I have to take the inevitable remarks about Charlton, I wrestle with N and lose often.
No-one really knows that I go home and cry.
Except last night, possibly due to the fact that I had been throwing my food up all day, before going out and celebrating the not-failing-but-not-passing of the dreaded Driving Test.
It all started so well, UDOBF had a packet of cheap sparklers so we played in Our Beloved Friary's beer garden.
I won a game of Pool. (The Sheep joined us, but I wasn't going to let it spoil my fun). I lost 2 other games.
Then BB text, he's apologised for this and I don't think he realised how hurt it made me, thought that I'd take it as a joke. "Fancy a fuck love?"
Obviously I told him where to go.
But then I got thinking, "He thinks I'm shit, just like everyone else does." and I started to get upset.
See for a very long time before I came to uni, I believed this, I was so utterly convinced that I was nothing. Don't suppose the Mothership helped when I've overheard her tell her mates that she would have rather had The Brat than me.
(This is cos of his special needs and all the problems when he was little, I understand now why she said that.)
But it hurt and I never forgot it, I was only 8 or 9 at the time, another time, I tried to explain to her why I was so miserable at school, why the other kids hated me.
I think I was about 16 or 17 at the time and I'll never forget the way she turned to me and told me my life was worthless anyway.
I don't know why she said it or whether I took it the wrong way.
But it just seemed to confirm everything I had ever suspected.
So even though others told me different I believed that I was nothing and had no self-esteem and no self-confidence.
Then LF showed up and I finally began to think, "Well hey, he likes me, he wants to be with me, perhaps I'm not this piece of nothing like I've always thought."
And so I began to come out of myself a little, to assert myself a little.
Which is why MH can't believe that I go round BB's and I know he's using me and I don't care cos I'm using him, and when he's asleep and has his arm around me, or tells me I have great tits/ass/whatever and that I do whatever he wants me to do really well, it makes me feel better and believe that I'm not that worthless.
Anyway, I thought once uni was over I'd never have to go back, except obviously I have to go home now.
And I am so afraid, not only of what I've already said here before several times before.
I am afraid that The Mothership will take away this little, tiny piece of self-esteem that it has taken so long to grow.
So I cried in Our Beloved Friary, and then walked round to BB's and fooled around to cheer myself up a little.