I feel kinda depressed and even my Lord and God Ice Cream, is failing to cheer me up adequately.
I dunno whether its some post LF Visit or the fact that in 2 and a half weeks I’m leaving Derby for good and all that that entails is depressing.
But then Xmas is always a fairly depressing time for me, see my Mothership was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness although she left the faith as soon as she could.
But it left both me and my brother, with a fear of all religion and a very cynical view of Christmas.
That’s not to say that she forced anything on us, we were welcome to go to church if we wanted and we both flirted with cubs/guides/scouts and I’ve been with MH to church sometimes, and I would never ever mock someone’s beliefs. OF, I and C and H2 are very big Christians. But religion is not for me.
Mothership always made an effort for Xmas for us, Dad is a big Xmas person and I remember her always ending up getting stressed and Dad doing the majority of the Xmas decorating, but both me and The Brat have grown up with the vague idea that Xmas is nothing special and a lot of fuss over nothing.
But every year there is the temper tantrums, and shouting as she gets frustrated with the present wrapping, and nearly every year something gets thrown across the room.
So Xmas is not dreaded by us, but looked upon with a kinda of *deep sigh. Oh God not this again.*
Then you have the question. “So what do you want for Xmas this year?”
I can’t think of a question that terrifies me more, apart from replacing the word Xmas with Birthday.
I have grown up listening to the frantic arguments and hushed discussions:
“Where are we gonna get the money from?”
“How can we afford that?”
“We could borrow this money and use the card for that?”
They did their best to hide it, but both me and The Brat always knew not to ask for the latest computer games, the trendiest trainers, the new bikes and video machines and things like the other kids.
I don’t know if it goes as much for him as me, but I hated it and even if there was something I DESPERATELY wanted, I would keep my mouth shut and not say a word.
“I don’t want anything for Xmas.”
I worried about things that kids that age shouldn’t have worried about.
Where would they get the money?
What if it meant we couldn’t pay the rent and got evicted? (I dunno why I was so fixated on that, I must have seen a programme or something like that when I was young. Things would never have got to that stage.)
Why bother wasting money on me, when it meant they could use it to pay for food or gas or bills?
I’d never say anything, cos I knew that it would have upset them that somehow their worries had got back to me.
But even to this day when, ok we may not be well off, but we are at least keeping our heads above water, I feel bad about asking or saying I’d actually like this for Christmas.
And if my friends ask what to get me, I laugh at them and say don’t bother or something little and funky.
I can’t think of one thing about Xmas that I like, I hate the false cheeriness and all that goes with it.
Guess the Ghost of Christmases Past has a lot to answer for huh?