Friday, December 31, 2004
First Xmas eve, Me Nan went on a strop and walked out of her house, ringing one of my many cousins to say she was walking on the Heath, cos she needed some space.
She lives in a rough housing estate in Lewisham and it was half 11 at night, so obviously my Dad - who doesn't need this shit and was asleep and G went out yo find her, only she was in a neighbours house all the time and had been attention-seeking all the time.
--And people wonder where I get it from!!
Then of course, there was the tsaumi, normally my Uncle goes to Thailand for Xmas, this year he was in India but it was late Boxing day that we found he was ok.
Jarkartass, a fellow Addick, lives in Thailand and I hope everyone he knows is ok.
I guess the whole enormity of that hit me when we had the minute's silence against Everton, and you looked round at the full Valley and realised that more people were dead than were in the ground, so it makes everything else very trival indeed.
So its been very quiet and I'm planning on spending New Year watching The Wicker Man and getting very drunk at home.
And quite frankly I can't wait for this year to be over.
Granddad died from Cancer in Febuary, I've failed 2 driving tests and not-failed-or-passed another, Dad's been diagnosed as terminally ill and I've had to come home from Derby.
Speaking of which I have spent the last two days learning all about "The abiotic affects in lentic and lotic freshwater" which even after two days still means fuckall to me and my first exam is on the 4th!!!
So I'm raising my bottle of Barcardi Breezer as I'm champaigne-less, and toasting the new year and saying fuck-off too 2004 and wishing the best to everyone out there and can you all keep your fingers crossed that somehow we beat Arsenal tomorrow??
I'll be back on the 8th after my exams.
Happy New Year everyone!
Friday, December 24, 2004
So its time for that end of year review.
Lets face it, 2004 has been a bit of a shitter for me, and I'm looking forward to it to be over, though I'm not sure 2005 will be any better.
So here's Charby's review of 2004.
Main event of the year: Obviously Dad's illness getting worse and not likely to get any better has to be the main event.
Biggest moment of the year: - Hearing from the LF telling me that he loved me.
Biggest disappointment: - him changing his mind.
Biggest Blog moment: - A bit of a tie, between deciding to start one and finding Flash as my regular commentator
Biggest Football moment: - sitting in the pub watching us beat the Palarse.
Biggest Football disappointment: - losing to the Palarse.
Main man/woman of 2004: - STF for cheering me up and taking me out when I was down and E for being the bestest mate ever.
Biggest lesson learnt?: that eating trifle for 3 days straight is not good for the digestive system. On a serious note its learning that I'm a stronger person that I was before I came to uni and a stronger person than I was just three months ago, I may get down and depressed still sometimes, but I will never be that sucidal person I was before.
Ambitions/resolutions for next year?
- This time next year, no matter what the situation is with Dad to be on the look out for a place to live or to be sorted on the travelling front, be getting ready to go. I can't live at home any more but I can't leave them now.
- To have FINALLY past the driving test.
- To not be in love with a guy who lives 234 miles away and probably dont care anyway or to be in a relationship with a guy who's still obsessed with his ex, there's gotta be some nice guy in London somewhere, maybe he's hiding up a tree? I'm not looking for Mr Right, just Mr He'll Do For Now.
- To have more than 3 or 4 regular commenters out there.
So all that's left to do is to wish everyone out there a very happy Xmas, grab Flash for an xmas snog. *mmwwwwaaahhh*
I'll be back soon possibly after my exams, or if we manage to pull off a win against the Arse on New Year's Day.
So take care all and keep on smiling.
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Me and the BB have just ended it, for definate now, as we'd left it hanging in the air when I left even though we knew it was not a serious relationship and not sure if it'd continue.
He admitted that he'd met a girl a year ago and she was moving to Derby in Jan and wanted to meet up.
He asked if i was mad, and I'm kinda sad in the "what if it means i'll lose my mate" sorta way, its not even like i'll really miss all the other stuff cos the last few weeks we'd not got up to anything.
Still he said we'd be mates still and I'd like that, Thought all along we'd make better mates than partners.
Told him about the LF cos i always felt kinda bad about hiding that from him, and he thinks he likes me too.
Pah! Not heard from the LF for a few days now so I dont know. Come to terms with the fact that I think he does care but dont want the distance cos its not like either of us would be allowed to stay at each others houses, not while we live at home anyway.
But its not a situation I can allow to contine, cant keep obsessing over a guy that probably dont want me.
So yeah! Damn, it took me 14 months to get round to getting another bloke so God only knows how long it'll be this time.
Hehe. Not that I'm really fussed, I got more important things to worry about now
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
*Takes deep breath and remembers why she came home in the first place, lets it out and begins rant.*
Surely at 21 I should be allowed to have a messy room if i like?
Ok, so I still have a lot of my stuff from my house in my room, and having the Brat's stuff in my room and the stuff from the flat in my room, as well as my normal stuff can't help in general tidiness.
But Fucking hell, all I've had for the last two days is "Tidy your room! Why haven't you tidied your room yet? Today your job is to tidy your room."
Excuse me! But to be fair, its not that messy, not to some of the standards its slipped to before, and I will tidy it, But first I gotta get the rest of my Xmas presents and surely fitting in some time to revise for my exams has got to fit in there somewhere and take priority?
Ok so this has aggrivated me all day, and reduced me to the level of feeling like a 6 year old.
Later, I was playing on the computer and they start again on me. Why haven't I done this yet? Why haven't I got round to booking a London Driving test.
I bite back the comments until I cannot take it any more and then retreat up to my room.
My Dad's words to my Nan float up the stairs to me.
"Bloody kids. Spoilt rotten and selfish they are."
SELFISH?!!! How fucking dare they?
I gave up pretty much everything so I could come home and help look after them.
I think of going down there to remind them of this fact and then decide the hassle will not be worth it.
I gotta remember that he can't help getting stroppy and tired nowadays as he doesnt have the energy any more from the illness, but it doesn't help, when I'm missing Derby as it is.
So strange being at home for a Monday night game and not watching it in Our Beloved Friary.
we got to see Marlon Devonish, who also brought his gold medal. But wasnt as impressive as seeing Kelly, even if she turned out not to be a Charlton fan.
Wasnt as cold as I feared either, after walking down in spitting rain
Thomas got his first ever Valley goal - not much of a celebrator is he?
We got to see the reason that Marlon had came as the announcer introduced a film urging us all to "back the bid"
Murphy had a great chance to score too, only just getting beaten by Van der Sar.
Not long after he helped set up the goal after a free kick.
By the way. Fulhams Papa Bouba Diop - one of the best names in football or what?
Possibly only just beaten by Bernt Hass the Brom Player.
whats the deal with all the horror movies on over Xmas?
Rosemary's baby last night, Halloween (?!!) this night
Sunday, December 19, 2004
But where the hell is my phone charger?
As sad as it is, I require my phone always. I'm not one of those people who live their life on it, But I got into the habit of always having it with me while I was with the LF as it was the only way we could stay in contact and now I miss not having it with me.
I got purty long rope lights, yeah me!
And I went to see Lemony Snickets' Series of Unfortunate events with GT and another old ex school chum.
Bit wierd listening to them talk about people I'd known from school but had not wanted/ lost contact with.
Not like listening to people talk about strangers, these were people I had known.
Am, very, very, very jealous though.
Gotta start the fun job of unpacking and starting that revision now.
Do they not realise its Xmas and we should have some fun over the festive period? (or at least a bit of a break?)
Saturday, December 18, 2004
Half unpacked and absolutely shattered, might have an early night.
Tomorrow, we start the game of unpacking and starting the last set of revision, think I'm going to see a film with GT too.
I miss Derby, and the people there already.
I don't wanna go.
Think the BB is quite gutted to see me go, telling me I shouldn't go, should stay here, then hastily adding, "not that I care though"
I don't wanna leave my friends here, dont wanna go back to that dull life I had at home.
Dont wanna go cos it means facing the inevitable
Friday, December 17, 2004
Last ever night at the BB's.
Today, I'm packing. Little things that I can't throw away, my rubber glove, the hawaiian necklace I found on the floor at D&E after a night out with STF.
The map from our trip to the Brewery at Burton.
JF came round last night to dispense Xmas presents. She brought me a HUUUUGE lollipop.
And a CD.
I told her that I quite liked the band 3 doors down and she made me a CD, then added other songs to it, that she thought suited my personality.
Jogging memories too...
My Immortal, Song 2, Time warp, Tubthumping, the Looney Tunes theme, "Just keep swimming" from Findin Nemo, The Remedy, Supergirl, Arms wide open, some Classic Metallica (I disappear), some LostProphets and November rain by Guns n Roses.
All songs that either remind her of me, or songs she could picture me bouncing round my room, and listening to when I'm down to cheer myself up.
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
Went out with TP, the BB and his mate, who i've got quite close to just by chatting on msn.
last ever set of lectures tomorrow.
Cheryl, its no good adding me to your msn, by using my charby email addy, cos all my Charby stuff gets sent to my normal account. Send me an email with your email on it and i can add it to my msn.
Gonna eat more kebab meat and chips, and go to sleep.
Tuesday, December 14, 2004
R asked me if i'd sleep with him, N told me he loved me. A and MH got pisses and we waled to Worlds nicest takeout.
first time in 3 months been there.
gonna miss derby and the lads.
had roo burger in walkabout. interesting.
definately something i'd reccomined eating ski[ppy
off to bed.
last ever essay to write 2moro.
Monday, December 13, 2004
- I didnt lose the 40 quid bet last night, I forfeited, and owe STF a tenner on drinks.
- MH is coming for a meal tonight with I, C and H2. She has been making very hurtful comments lately, I will NOT be getting drunk and smacking her one, as much as I'd like to.
- My last presentation and driving lesson in Derby are today.
- ITS MY LAST EVER WEEK OF LECTURES. *Sob sob*
Saturday, December 11, 2004
Wish me luck, I'm going on an all day bender with STF, with the bet that if I go all day without peeling the labels off my bottles I wont have to give him forty quid.
It all seemed to make sense last week. I've been dreading it ever since and it means this weekend I will not get any work done.
Friday, December 10, 2004
THE EXTENDED VERSION!!!
Anyway. Cheryl, My university course finishes in January and I'm leaving Derby for good to move back home to London, to spend some time with my Dad before he pops his clogs and so I can help look after me Mothership and The Brat, and also to save some money so I can do the typical travelling student type thing.
Flash - I'm very, very chuffed that listening to Morrissey makes you think of me. Lets face it the man is a legend.
I think its finally hitting the BB that I'm going home soon and our little dalliances will be coming to an end, he was a lot more affectionate to me rather than the name calling arguments that we normally get into. Bless him, he's quite sweet even if he's still blatently not over his ex.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
Are car picnics not jsut the coolest thing ever?
They remind me of rainy days out with my Nanny and Granddad, sitting in the rainy car at somewhere like Anysford (spelling?)
Haven't had for years until today.
Me and JF sat in her car at ASDA, (I miss asda, its only car-accesable) eating sushi, choux buns, cocktail sausages and pickled onions, headbanging to Evanescence and warbling tunelessly to "My Immortal"
And pretending to be on a stake out and taking notes on all the bemused shoppers taking their trollies back.
It was great fun, and It reminds me how much I'm going to miss Derby, this time next week, I'll be packing to leave for the final time (unless you count exams) and I'm going to miss the mates I've made here and all the fun I've had.
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
OW! ow! ow!
Went to STF's to watch Blade2 before going to the cinema to see the 3rd,
Except he disappeared off and went to sleep and me and N got involoved in a fight, involving my getting slapped by shoes, and the TV remote, and believe me, he doesn't hold back just cos I'm a girl.
Ow! ow! ow!
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
My Dad's gonna become a crack whore!
Well maybe not.
Doctors are prescribing him methadone for the lung cancer, to try and ease the cough!
I suggested selling it on the steet corner so we could pay for the loft to be done up.
Uncle G has already offered to put Dad in touch with the right people
Just done my first set of xmas shopping, picking up presents for The Mothership, TP and TJ, H2 I&C and I's b'day present, plus things for Not-so-Evil Mike and John Cassella and Bobby Robson.
Absolutely knackered, I hate shopping and it was too busy and if I hear "I wish it could be christmas every day" one more time, I shall kill someone.
Now I gotta wrap them all.
Monday, December 06, 2004
Relatively cheap night out, still came home with change from a tenner, Don't like this being poor lark.
Was quite proud that I knew the answer for the Roobarb and custard question and my extensive knowledge of crap tv adverts was finally put to good use by knowing that the answer as J.R.R Hartley
Then I was rewarded on the quiz machine in Union Blue by knowing that Ipswich played Charlton on Boxing day 2002.
I remember the game by Deano coming out of his area and cocking up for the first Ipswich goal, can't remember what the final score was.
Think it was 3-2 or 3-1?
Sunday, December 05, 2004
I'm round BB's, a little, ahem, busy.
The phone rings.
BB "Shitty Hell! Can't you leave it?"
"Where are you? We're going to N's. We're at your flat."
"Come down, come on."
"But I'm not at my flat. I'm at BB's. I'm a bit busy right now."
2 second pause.
Its still cracks me up to think about the tone of his voice and its the reason he was too shamed to come watch us win today. (I'll repeat that. Us win today.)
Like N says. I come across too innocent for them to handle things like that.
BB came round later too to borrow my digital camera, which typically enough for the shoddy goods that I own stopped working while I was at the football and his phone had been cut off.
So i came back after my meal with a series of increasingly desperate msn messages.
Just got back from there and the camera has offically died a death.
Gonna have to get up early too or stay up late doing my presentation for aquatic biology tomorrow, so best get on with it.
Saturday, December 04, 2004
Got woken up by my phone at half eleven, STF was planning on going to Cadbury World and wanted to know if i wanted to come.
Didn't need asking twice, I was up, dressed and eaten breakfast by quarter to 12.
Bit of a journey from here to Birmingham, good hour in the car but at least I wasnt subjected to "BRUUUUUCCCEEE!!!!" like the last time i went on a road trip with STF.
It was well good, you get lots of freebies, just a shame I'm not a big chocolate person, but I'm guessing TP will be very grateful for them.
Friday, December 03, 2004
Jamie Oliver, Delia, Nigella. They have nothing on me.
I combined my three most favourite foods ever.
Crunchy Peanut butter toast (Warm bread, sniffed LF disapprovingly, when I made some for him) Jelly and Mint Ice-cream.
Sounds good right?
The reality is a bit different.
It seemed like such a good idea.
Everyone knows of the wonderfulness of jelly and Ice cream.
Jelly and toast go quite well too, best to do it without butter though.
Combining all three.
*shakes head and wanders off to do work.*
Thursday, December 02, 2004
Have I ever told you how much i love them?
They are the reason I have bunked off Rainforests to Deserts. (its ok, all the works handed in, early too, i'm allowed)
Went out to see the Man Ure/ Arsenal match and then proceeded to get very drunk, wanted to go to Spank, but STF couldn't get in.
So we went to Scream instead, and blokes just can't dance. Fact. Not that I can, you understand.
And my wrists are both a mottled pink colour, STF thinking it was fun to give me chinese burns, and pinch the inside of my thighs, and they all stole my hair bobble and phone. (god only knows who they were texting, but apparently sent a text to The Brat, insunating that i was a slag.)
But not got any worried replies, so I'm guessing whoever they text didn't care. I know they text LF too but he was at work and probably just got pissed off and deleted them.
Anyway, ended up going back to STF, where I doze off watching Shrek2 ("why am I here? I HAVE Shrek2. My flat is miles away!")
So JN walks me home, like the little sweetheart that he is and i eventually fall in bed at 3.10am, when I have to be up for uni at 8am the next morning, To be fair they did say I could stop at N's but he'd probably spend most of the night, making hit and run raids on me and I wouldnt get much sleep, for fear of attack.
Now I'm shattered and going for a sleep.
Wednesday, December 01, 2004
I dunno whether its some post LF Visit or the fact that in 2 and a half weeks I’m leaving Derby for good and all that that entails is depressing.
But then Xmas is always a fairly depressing time for me, see my Mothership was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness although she left the faith as soon as she could.
But it left both me and my brother, with a fear of all religion and a very cynical view of Christmas.
That’s not to say that she forced anything on us, we were welcome to go to church if we wanted and we both flirted with cubs/guides/scouts and I’ve been with MH to church sometimes, and I would never ever mock someone’s beliefs. OF, I and C and H2 are very big Christians. But religion is not for me.
Mothership always made an effort for Xmas for us, Dad is a big Xmas person and I remember her always ending up getting stressed and Dad doing the majority of the Xmas decorating, but both me and The Brat have grown up with the vague idea that Xmas is nothing special and a lot of fuss over nothing.
But every year there is the temper tantrums, and shouting as she gets frustrated with the present wrapping, and nearly every year something gets thrown across the room.
So Xmas is not dreaded by us, but looked upon with a kinda of *deep sigh. Oh God not this again.*
Then you have the question. “So what do you want for Xmas this year?”
I can’t think of a question that terrifies me more, apart from replacing the word Xmas with Birthday.
I have grown up listening to the frantic arguments and hushed discussions:
“Where are we gonna get the money from?”
“How can we afford that?”
“We could borrow this money and use the card for that?”
They did their best to hide it, but both me and The Brat always knew not to ask for the latest computer games, the trendiest trainers, the new bikes and video machines and things like the other kids.
I don’t know if it goes as much for him as me, but I hated it and even if there was something I DESPERATELY wanted, I would keep my mouth shut and not say a word.
“I don’t want anything for Xmas.”
I worried about things that kids that age shouldn’t have worried about.
Where would they get the money?
What if it meant we couldn’t pay the rent and got evicted? (I dunno why I was so fixated on that, I must have seen a programme or something like that when I was young. Things would never have got to that stage.)
Why bother wasting money on me, when it meant they could use it to pay for food or gas or bills?
I’d never say anything, cos I knew that it would have upset them that somehow their worries had got back to me.
But even to this day when, ok we may not be well off, but we are at least keeping our heads above water, I feel bad about asking or saying I’d actually like this for Christmas.
And if my friends ask what to get me, I laugh at them and say don’t bother or something little and funky.
I can’t think of one thing about Xmas that I like, I hate the false cheeriness and all that goes with it.
Guess the Ghost of Christmases Past has a lot to answer for huh?