Sunday, June 25, 2017

Been a bit of an up and down week at work.

I tried to do a balance transfer on a new credit card and royally fucked it up. Sigh.

Last night I started to organise all of Welshy's things in preparation for him coming to collect them today. Only 18 months after we split!
Was feeling restless and mopey and that didn't help. Drank some wine and thought fuck it. Booked myself flights to Athens in October.

Such an idiot! I was struggling to find money to buy toothpaste today for Gods sake! Took the horse hacking today with another lady from the yard. We were out for hours! She was so good as well!

Had hoped to catch up with Welshy but he came while I was out and took his stuff and left. I don't blame him for this although I'm hugely disappointed. His brother had driven from Wales specially for it and as we discovered last week, its a hellish thing to do.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

Its so hot out there today!

I drove to see TP and TJ, poor TP. The growth has doubled since diagnosis three weeks ago and they're rushing forward with chemo.

She's being so brave bless her but is also so worried about it. I hope I managed to distract her slightly.

Also got chance for quick catch up with H2 which was great but again I wish I could have stayed longer.

I really don't know how Dad managed to do it in the same day. Went up Thursday and drove back Friday and it nearly killed me!


Supposed to have been paragliding yesterday but spent most of 4 hours sat in a field waiting for wind to pick up, gave up at 5pm and went home.

I'm going to see my friend Babbs in a bit for a quick pint as that's what hot Sunday's are made for!

Monday, June 12, 2017

Discussed it a bit more with One Night Stand guy - will need to give him a better nickname if he sticks about.
He'd clearly be up for more casual nothingness. I'm not. Different if anything would come from it but its not gonna happen. Although I kinda feel like i'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, I know that I'd end up getting feelings. (Hell they're kinda there already. -can't be honest here, where can I be?) and then end up getting hurt. Didn't that happen (minus the sex) with BB all them years back?

So we're back mocking each other and acting like nothing has happened. Kinda odd lol. Least I've made a new friend out of it!

TP has been given the sentence of 6 months chemo and then an op. I feel so helpless, they're so far away. 164 miles away to be exact.

I'm going to drive up there with the dog Thursday. Spend the evening with them. Drive home Friday. This is the longest drive - bar the weekend I spent at Welshy's I'll have ever done. (205 miles) at least that I drove up Thursday, drove home Sunday. Bit more of a gap.

Not looking forward to it, looking forward to seeing them. Looking forward to the surprise. Wish it could be longer but need to do the horse and *gulp* potential paragliding Saturday.

Did I tell you about the paragliding? Yeah. Was supposed to do it over the bank holiday. Not enough wind so it was cancelled and I had a one night stand instead.

Seriously guys. That paragraph above. What the flying fuck is going on in my life?
This is such a year of adventure compared to last years broken nothingness. Not even sure i'm any better off money wise but still... ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

Sunday, June 04, 2017

I tried to engage him in conversation twice this week and failed.
Hung out as normal at flyball, it was kinda obvious it was a one night thing but being the idiot I am I had to push it, had to ask him. Said he hand't thought about it all that much since.
Left it at that. At least I know. Still no regrets though, although I think I would have liked to have developed it a bit more. I doubt that'll happen now. Feel a bit cut up about that. So much better to be a blow up doll or a man - less feelings involved.

Busy day today, did horse, washed bedding, cut some of the grass, weeded roses, cleaned house. walked dog AND fitted in two naps!

TP finds out tomorrow what her options are. Will have to remind myself to text her and find out.

Monday, May 29, 2017

I don't really know what's happened this weekend.
So there's a guy that I speak to at Flyball, he's alright. Not my usual cup of tea as he's a bit fit and I like cuddly guys, we've spoken off and on this year, just casual passing the time stuff.

Anyway our Flyball team organised a BBQ, it was loads of fun, silly games, a bouncy castle and lots and lots of drink. Lots.

Come 11.30 and we're the only ones still up, so we sit and talk, and drink, and talk and drink and then he says he wants to sleep with me. There and then.

Not too keen on that idea but then its 5.30 and we end up fooling about in the back of his car. He then goes to sleep and i'm left questioning my life choices, attempting to nap in the back of my Focus and looking after his two dogs that we kicked out of the car.

Anyway, he ends up messaging me later in the day and I've just woken up and come back from a hotel in Bexleyheath.

I'm not seeing this as anything other than what it was but 16 months is a long time to go without and if guys can do it, then why can't I can do it - taking obvious precautions - then fuck it. Judge me all you like. It's not something I'm going to make a habit out of that's for sure though. I'm too old for this shit.


Anyway. It's taken me all week to process the fact that the wonderful, lovely TP has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's 33. Next Friday they make a plan as to what to do with her. I can't imagine what she's going through and I've been there

Sunday, May 21, 2017

First week without boss gone ok I think. We'll see how we get on this week.

Bit of a horrid end to my week when I took V and Dog out for a hack. Went very well, happy little trot about the fields but then on way back Dog went into neighbours field and got stuck by chicken wire, before I could turn V about to take dog back to the chicken wire free bit she bolted into the yard and got attacked by a staffy type.

Horrid. All I could hear was her screaming and by the time I got out of the bridleway there was Dog on floor being shook by Staff. People booting it and kicking it and it had just locked onto her.

V thankfully stood like a rock for me but all I could do was call for Hero. She had two little puncture marks but went a bit downhill yesterday which made me really fearful for her.

but after a hairy few hours I managed to get food and painkillers into her and now she's ok. Took her to flyball but didn't run her, just checked her reaction to the other dogs and then up to the yard for a mooch about.

It tired her out poor old thing and she's slept most of the afternoon, took her for short whiz about the field to meet other dogs and check reaction there and although wary she's ok, sleeping again now though!


Sunday, May 14, 2017

Mother has been home this week on jury service. Tiring having her here but also nice to have a human to talk too, even if its just constant exhaustion.

I'm trying hard with her, to be more tolerant. I just think we will always rub each other up the wrong way unwittingly.

Horse a lot more settled in new home this week, had a potter amongst the field, had a small jumpie and some reasonable canter leg yields. Wish she'd settle enough to let me organise tack while on her.

Took Mother and Dog to paws in the park for friendly flyball comp. We got eliminated for running too fast! ooops!

Been talking to a new friend online, a guy that comes erratically to flyball, will anything come of it? who knows? He's nice enough so either way a new friend.

Going paragliding in two weeks and my boss is now off for three weeks having an op so hoping for an easy time of it.

Sunday, May 07, 2017

Not too much to report about this week. V got moved to a new yard so I've been playing down country lanes. Bit on her toes but today was the first settled day. I'd like to try and take her for a hack in the next week or two.

Mother is back for jury service. Almost right away she was putting me down in front of the neighbours about the state of the house and garden. I try my absolute best, I really do but there are only so many hours in the day.

Wants the 100 quid from me, that she promised me for missing out on overtime to get her and him last time they were both back. Forgotten that one.

I got a parking ticket. yay......

Dog and I have been in Wycombe flyballing over weekend - second place. Yay! Saw red kites! Wowie!

Monday, May 01, 2017

Flyballing all this bank holiday. So tired now. Think we'll both be off to bed early!
Hero ran amazingly, we got a 1st place in our open and today she was obviously really tired and struggled a little, dropping the ball a few times but still tried her heart out for me.

Big tea for her and now she's dozing on the settee with me. We have two more competitions over the next fortnight.

I decided to celebrate next months ending of my credit card by signing up to go paragliding.

You only live once etc....

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What is it about bank holidays that make a return to work seem even longer?
This week has been a drag! Went on a training course on Thursday, that broke it up a little though, I did some early morning cleaning Wednesday and Thursday.

V is moving again. This time we are all tagging along. Up and down thoughts about this. Hope it goes well. Lucky me gets to be the first to sit on her in her new home and she's bound to be up on her toes....

Had a good lesson today and that makes me sad as instructor doesn't travel, so now to get used to someone else's way of teaching and the nerves of riding in front of someone new!

Been doing a fair bit of gardening this week, repairing and weeding the damage to Dad's "fuck you cancer" shed. Brat has been helping and i've encouraged this, better for him that sitting about drinking.

Paid Friday and its going to be a fucking tight month, but on the good side next month will be the last payment of credit card debt Hurrah! I then have two loans and the overdraft to pay off.

So focus on the overdraft as the loans take care of themselves and once that's done I can then try and use some of it to remove a loan? I dunno. Just concentrate on that credit card and then one thing at a time Charbs, we're getting there, a lot slower than ever hoped but its happening and that's the main thing.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Super tired!

Been pretty much babysitting whilst at work this week, which was a bit annoying. Thankfully it was Easter so Friday off!
Did V and then drove Dog and myself to Winchester Services as cheapest hotel I could find to Hampshire ready for comp on Sat.

Another early start for that and she ran really well. We actually got in trouble for running too fast! Was very tight and came down to a 3-2 defeat which left us in 2nd place.

She then decided to wake me up (thanks. *rolls eyes*) at 6am for a wee the next morning and of course its bright outside by then and I couldn't go back to sleep so we drove back to see V ride and muck out and then home.

These long trips really seem to take it out on me as I'm still shattered today, despite a lie in until 9 and another hour long nap later that day.

We spent today clearing the back garden, filled up two wheely bins and the back is looking far more presentable. Still a long old way to go though!

Early night I think as have two days cleaning in the morning Wednesday and Thursday. Will have to be there at 5am. :( super sad about that but trying to focus on the little extra money) and of course its only two weeks until the next bank holiday!

Monday, April 10, 2017

So last week was mostly made up of cheesecake.
I foolishly volunteered to make one for work.
So that meant making a practice one at home, then a practice at work and then the real thing. Twice.
I'm sick to death of the sight of cheesecake and yet have offered to make it again this week! Foolish, Foolish Charbs.

Went to look at a new home for the horse and us to move to. Fantasies now of hacking out after work in summer sunshine. Reality is probably death and destruction as she panics at the sight of a leaf.

Sunday, April 02, 2017

so tired this weekend!

I reluctantly took up an offer of a night out with some people from work. Ended up leaving a flat in plumstead at 2.30 slightly giddy on wine and vodka.
I tried my first bit of weed too. Not sure if I did it right. Didn't feel any different. Hurrah to being grown up at 33 and experimenting with what most people try in their teens!

Anyway I got in at 2.45 and God i've struggled all weekend. Not hungover, still don't really get those but so tired. Dog doesn't believe in lie ins and had me up at 7.30.

Another thing - I'd forgotten about the stink of stale smoke and had to wash my bedding and hair before being able to take her out.

Woke the Tort up from hibernation and made a cheesecake - practice as I've managed to volunteer myself into making one for work.

Didn't feel much more with it today, especially when I went to flyball training and managed to ignore all signs saying road closed and tried to turn into the road.
Stupid Charby. Then a long detour to try to find another entrance. Hope its up and fixed for next week.

Nice little jumping session. I'm really starting to feel a lot more confident over reasonably sized X-poles but still chickened out of the upright. There's talk of moving her to a yard with turn out and good hacking which i've missed. Although she's a cow to hack.

Didn't get home until 2.30 and then slept! Still really quite tired now. I've never been able to cope on less than 8 hours sleep and definitely growing older as struggled all weekend with it!


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Busy week here. Maybe not as bad regarding credit card as thought. Busy trying to figure out how to change it over to the new interest free one I've got.

Mother has been home this weekend. We went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was pretty good although I did want the cartoon voices.

Not sure if Welshy has a Russian girlfriend or not. His Mam and brother have been out to see him and she posted fb photos (no girl in them) about how nice it was to see Welshy and "Elena". My stomach hurts at the thought of this and I'm angry about how my feelings are betraying me, I realise it was for the best, but fuck it. Why couldn't I be the first to move on?
Impossible when I never get the chance to meet anyone.

Dog all good. Jumped the horse which was good. First jump at proper height in nearly 20 years - not that 70cm is a proper height but its a start! Work - boss has been away this week. I fear the fallout tomorrow.....

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Been a busy old week here.
in process of changing my credit card over to one that's interest free after last weeks bombshell of having spent over the loan and that I had a lot more to pay off than I thought!

I want to do the same with my bank account and that's going to be a work in progress come Wednesday payday.
11 months interest free would be super useful!

This weekend we (I and Dog) drove to Peterborough for a competition. She ran really well and shaved a few seconds off of her optimum time. I would LOVE to get her down to under 5 seconds. We'll see.

Had a nice meal with some of our team mates both Friday and Saturday, there's a guy there my age with a dog who comes irregularly. I tried to imagine dating him. Failed. urgh.

Mothership comes home Thursday for sommat or another and I won a raffle! Yippie! I never win one and its a 50 pound gift card that was free entry after signing back up for contacts.

So very tired today driving home, didn't ride in the end had a long old nap with dog curled up on my lap.

Did a few jumps with the horse last week, almost looked like decent sized cross pole at the end and now to build on that and start from scratch with an upright and then move to my nemesis the oxer (two jumps close together and jumped as one)

Next comp is over Easter. I said I wasn't available for the Sunday so hoping to get selected for Saturday or Monday. Failing that next one will be Bank Holiday.


Monday, March 06, 2017

Went on a bloody pointless training course today, supposed to be about learning management and leadership skills.
Failed to learn either. Still. didn't have to go to work, didn't have to be in Wooly until 9.45 and was home an hour earlier than normal.

Last night I thought it'd be fun to do a "on this day" looking back through my blogger posts for March and back.

Some of it was fun, memories of drunken nights with friends in Derby, o travelling adventures some of it was sad reading about Welshy and how much fun we used to have together and then how it all died. Some of it was utterly heartbreaking remembering Dad and those last few months together.

I read too of awful comments Mother made and I find myself doubting the words I've written. Did she really tell me I was too stupid to take a job? Did she really, repeatedly tell me how awful I am compared to the Brat. Did she ever pay back the thousand pounds I've lent her?

My posts at some point changed from full of hope, that I would one day free myself from this, make something of myself, to bitter resignation.
I no longer have hope that I will do that. Life that keeps me in London, the economy that makes it impossible for me to live in London independently has killed that.

Perhaps it went when I lost the job in Bedfordshire. The final nail on the coffin when she failed to make good on the promise that I'd have some of the inheritance. I kept a foolish hope that one day Welshy would pull himself together and help me get out of this mess, but yet I always planned how I'd keep the both of us, knowing that nothing would change.

 I just have to keep on treading water, those debts are slowly going, Only 600 pounds left of a one time 2,800 credit card debit. I can pay that off in 6 months if I do a 100 pounds a month. I can pay it off in three months if I can carry on the 200 a month I'm currently paying back.

Then to focus on the overdraft. I can do this, not sure yet of the best procedure to do so. and then next August the bank loan I took out will be done and I can rebuild. 16 more months. Then who knows?

Well I do now know. I will be here still. And I will be here in another 10 years.

Sunday, March 05, 2017

On/off week back at work. Manager is applying for funding to create a new role and its something I'd like to go for but a) the self-doubt creeps in as to whether I'd actually be suitable or able to cope for it.
b) the funding only lasts for three years. I have no intentions on being unemployed at the end of three years as stands to reason that my role now wouldn't still be available and would have gone elsewhere.

V has had a bit of a cough this week and therefore we've had a bit of a slump after last weeks high of how well she was going, can't hold it against her nor let it get me down.

I did shit loads of planting yesterday, spent far too much money in the garden centre, created a new hanging basket for the porch and planted candytuft, begonias, a mixed planter and a raspberry bush.

I'd toying with the idea of getting a planter for carrots but we'll leave that I think until payday at the end of this month as I've got a hotel stay in Peterborough for a competition weekend after next and really I should tidy the patio up so I can plant them and carry on battling the weeds in the front garden.

Tomorrow I am attending a leadership and management course. We'll see if we're able to put any of it into practice.....

Sunday, February 26, 2017

I've been off this week, as part of Mother's inheritance she decided to put some money into doing the porch. (our old porch has been without a door for at least 8 years).
Of course as benefits my life this has not been without its dramas.
Monday 8am they arrive and cheerily inform me that there has been a cockup and the scaffolding needed wouldn't be arriving until lunchtime and I was to call them then.
So I took dog to Greeny Park, it was a glorious sunny day. The first of a week of sun I hoped and we threw sticks, met some nesting parrots and had a lovely walk.
The scaffolding arrived at 1.30, so as requested I called them and left a voicemail. They called me back at 3.30 and said it was a bit late to do anything now and I'd see them Tuesday Morning at 8am.

Tuesday morning and as stated they were indeed there at 8am. I left them cracking on and took Dog to Lullingstone. Not as lovely a day but we still had a nice walk and a yummy cake and hot chocolate after. I got home about 12.45 and workmen were gone, however they have destroyed my tulip border.
I was struggling that day to be perky for some reason and took this quite hard. I have slowly been taking more and more of an interest in my front garden, removing slowly all the weeds and brambles and having grass reclaim it.
The tulips I'd originally brought for Nan and Granddad's Grave. There was red ones and white ones and some that were red and white petalled. (Charlton colours obvs) I was getting excited about them sprouting and hoped that only two or three weeks more might see buds arrive.

Wednesday no one came. I sat in until lunchtime then gave up and took Dog to Oxleas Wood where we had a muddy walk and then came home and a shower. Mother hinted that they might have called her but it was 1am her time (currently she is in LA) I rang through about 2.30ish and discovered that yes - despite having given them my number and landline they had ignored that and rung her instead.

Thursday - (bear in mind that the work was supposed to be Monday-Wednesday only) The man arrived shortly after 8am. 10 minutes after arriving he knocks on the door and very apologetically tells me that its been measured wrong and won't fit together. He promises to give me a call and return later that afternoon or early Friday. I don't hold out much hope for him returning that afternoon and I was proved right.

Friday no one came and we went to Foots Cray Meadow for a sunny walk along the river, bit annoyed that the weather had only just turned to sun again and this had also scuppered my plans to do gardening and aviary cleaning although I was still disheartened by Tulip Massacre.

I rang again mid afternoon and was told someone would call back - which they did! They promised to arrive Saturday and said that they had only just got the replacement parts.

I was pleasantly surprised to see him arrive Saturday and he cracked on throughout the day only leaving at 3.30 as weather was changing and promises to come on Monday when I am back at work to finish off the gaps around the edging.

This has been a bit of a crappy way to have a week off as I've done very little due to weather and porch dramas. I also found that I can't have my planned week off over May due to my boss needing an operation and being off for a month. Busy now trying to re-plan this as I'm determined to go.

Monday, February 13, 2017

Been a busy old week here. Work has been pretty full on but in a good way - had my appraisal today which went better than this time last year!

We did a flyball contest at the weekend - our team came last but hey ho, its all a learning curve for us and best of all it was an early finish so I was home by 6.30!

The weather has been shit, and not the good kind of shit, its been horrid sleety snow thats tried to settle and failed. V did look quite pretty with the snow melting into her forelock and mane though as I rode Friday night.

The Twins are coming back to visit me in June, it has been decided. They would like to see the Trooping of the Colour I'm not too fussed but it'll be nice to see them. Will need to look and find a nice walk/adventure to take them on.

I am planning my first solo holiday island hopping in Greece, but I had planned for June as it would be cheaper and nice weather so we'll see now...
Was definitely gonna need to book it up in stages to make it more affordable, but we'll plan that out come next Wednesday as to whether or not I have big enough balls to book the flights.

Sunday, January 29, 2017

I forgot! Been now a whole year without Welshy in my life. Well just as a friend. Bizarre. We still catch up once or twice a week.

Nearly failed in my new mission of blogging at least once a week. 

Rome was lovely - at least 10 degrees warmer than the current vile -2 here! Saw so much more of it than last time's whirlwind tour with the Mothership.
Lolly good company as hoped and no awkwardness. Took train down to Pompeii and did that thoroughly as well.

Gave me a lot of possibly false confidence about travelling alone, currently trying to see if a trip to Athens and some island hopping might be feasible come June. I also am thinking about Romania in September.

We'll see..... 

Hoping it warms up a little here, no fun walking the dog in the cold and the poor horse has been trapped in her box as too cold to turn out in the field and too hard to ride in the school.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Off to Rome tomorrow, hope it'll be fine!

Dog did her first comp of year, fucked up one heat but still finished 3rd.

I tried a face mask tonight! Remember how cool it was to do the PVA glue thing on your hand at school. Peeling it off was just like that!


Saturday, January 07, 2017

Back to work and a little sluggish getting myself back into my routine. Feeling a bit guilty about that. Poor Dog has been not coping without her early morning walk, but she hates the cold, and its been bitter ice the last few mornings.
I got contacts! That was another part of my little image change, well its not really a change as I have been like this in various stages of this Blog's life but hey ho!

Work has been fairly positive. She's talking about how I need to step up more and take more responsibility. Which will lead into perhaps a better title and hopefully more money, but we won't raise our hopes.

Me and the dog have registered to do a 5k muddy dog challenge in September to raise money for Battersea Dog and Cat home and E has suggested we also in the same month attempt a 100k walk for charity along the Thames Path....

Of course there's only one charity i'd wanna raise money for and we'll just pause *here* for the moment and wonder just how the fuck can it be 11 years yesterday since that awful Wednesday when Dad went away.......