Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Bye Bye Robbo!
I hope you have a nice retirement and come back to the Valley soon!
I went to Bakewell today.
Its a nice little village, nowhere near as exciting as Matlock Bath, but its home of Bakewell tarts and puddings, and the worlds nicest Carrot cake.
It's quite a nice day out with TP and H3 (ex housemate from original halls of residence)
And I think I may be in love.
I don't need a man ever ever again.
Yes once again Ben and Jerry's have come to my rescue and brought out a mint edition.
I love them.
And I love mint B&J's. It's orgasmic

Monday, November 29, 2004

Look! Look!
How posh is this?!
MH flipped again last night, telling H2 that i was only going home after uni cos it meant I wouldnt have to get a job, wouldnt have to worry about being in the real world.
Pissed me off cos lets face it, I don't exactly hide the fact to anyone (but my folks) that I dont really get on with my Mum and I REALLY didn't want to go home after uni.
So What the hell is that all about then?
There has been a strange smell in my room, slightly cheesy, which baffled me cos I dont like cheese.
So i made an attempt at tracking down the smell, first suspect was my trainers, then it was the remains of the pizza box, I moved several carrier bags, several of the bottles of pepsi that I had brought for LF so he didn't have to face the awful-tasting and much dreaded Derby Water, the smell remained. I looked under the bed, wasn't there, nor was it under the pile of dirty towels.
Puzzled I sat back and considered and then I spotted it.
A sock, a rather lost and sheepish looking sock, callously abandoned by his previous owner.
This sock is now being held ransom, the smell safely contained in a zippy bag, until the LF bothers to reply to his text asking what the fuck he wants me to do with it.
One thing is for certain, I'm not taking it out of its protective bag again, not without the appropriate and obligatory gas mask.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

So I came home and then went to see BB, and he very kindly let me sleep with out molesting me too much.
Woke up at 12:50 and realised just how much money I have spent this weekend, if we include the train tickets that I haven't used and the cost of my football ticket if I was buying it on the day, it works out to be about £178 easy, and that was just with the bar recipts that I could find.
No way in hell is LF coming down again, he costs me too much money!
Now H2 wants me to come out later and JF wants me to eat out, trying to let them down, gonna have to have a cheap few weeks I think.
..... Shit its us V Palace this weekend. Another day at Our Beloved Friary there!
Watski. I went on a night out in Mansfield once, its where Lizard works in the Morrison's, I remember getting very drunk and being groped all the time, which I hate, and I started a fight with a lad that grabbed the Lizards tits and then started on two lads that grabbed my ass. Bastards, I'd have decked them if MH and Lizard hadn't had been there.
Actually the funniest part of last night was listening to BB tell me how it sounds like me and LF get on really well and we should be together.
See he knew that we'd been together and it was only right that he knew he was coming to visit, and I didnt really say much about his visit, just telling him about the cut head/long-lost sister of the elephant man incident, which was probably the funniest moment of his whole stay.
So that was funny too cos I tried to wonder what would happen if he knew the truth behind it all and I wanted to tell him to find out the male perspective. (asked STF, he just told me I should have shagged him and then worried about it the next day)
Anyway. Don't care, gotta tidy my room, A bomb quite literally hit it and I need to do some work or have a nap, whatever sounds best and costs me the least amount of money.

I'm filling in some of the details from Wednesday night just so I can remember how it was and see if it makes any more sense to me in a few weeks, still kinda confused now but I dont care any more.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

So anyway.
Ta to Flash and Cheryl for attempting to cheer me up, its ok, Apart from feeling slightly stupid for getting excited over nothing I'll live, I'm a tough chick.
So here for Flash is my special report from Derby's only Strip Club Eden.
To be fair, I guess if you were a bloke it'd be cool, but I was the most over dressed girl in there, felt like I was wearing a bin liner from head to foot.
I'd never been to a strip club before so didnt know what to expect, but it was just dull.
I was there about an hour and just saw two girls dance, and I have to admit, what they can do with a pole is pretty impressive.
But the girls just looked bored while they danced, and none of them were very attractive, so I just sat there, while the guys leered and drank my lemonade. (still recovering from yesterday).
They did offer to pay for me to have a lapdance but I declined politely.
What a day huh?
Not only that, but we got whooped, 4-0! almost glad I didnt make it home.
Oh dear God.
I think I have made such a fool of myself.
Picked up LF Thursday night and we chilled, watched Die Hard, well I did, he snored in my ear.
Then we started to mess around like we always do, beating the shit into each other, (left him with a lovely scratch on his forehead) and eventually I plucked up the courage to ask him if he remembered what he said Wednesday night.
He thought about it for a bit, said that he remembered talking on the phone, getting very drunk and falling off his computer chair, and writing a note to say that he had to get to Derby that morning.
Me (hiding the disappointment): So you dont remember?
Him: *thinks a bit more* nope, why did I say something to offend you?
Me: Nah. *sigh.
So I've made an idiot of myself by getting excited about something that he was too drunk to remember and didnt mean and telling people that he cared.
So we go back to beating each other up and general abuse and I don't know, the way he held me sometimes. Reading too much into a situation? Possibly.
We both end up sleeping on the floor for some reason. he had a sleeping bag and we were both on the duvet and i woke up cold and he tried to roll his body onto me and share his body heat and the sleeping bag, nearly flattening me in the process.
Wake up to find him on my computer and we went on an all day bender from midday to half one in the morning, meeting up with A, STF, N and some random French guy and they all got on well.
N whispered to me that he gave me proper over-protective looks when I was messing with the others.
Came home and watched a Foo Fighters DVD.
And then he starts to mess with me, and I let it happen for a bit, mainly cos I'm drunk out of my head, but eventually reality kicks in.
"You're gonna have to stop, please stop."
we talk for a bit, and he confesses that some how he got onto this and read some of the comments that I'd put wednesday night, but got out of it as soon as he realised what it was and he was sorry for doing it and he seriously considered doing a runner while I was asleep, so credit to him for not doing that, the LF I knew a few years ago would have gone.
He only wants a bit of fun, can't give me what I want from him. That the distance is too much. Admits that we are very simular but in some ways we are very different.
So I'm well shamed that he knows how I feel about him and he dont feel the same.
So maybe he's right and it really is time I got over this stupid obsession.
So I put him on the train about half hour ago and it hurts like hell to let him go.
I know I'll always have his friendship so at least I dont have to worry about that.
But I can't believe I have made such an idiot of myself.
And I can't work out why he said such things down the phone the other night, even though I never said anything to him about my feelings.
I didnt want to go into it at the time, didnt want to seem like a bunny boiler.
Think I'm going out with the lads later today, doing the Derby mile (of pubs) and they reckon my becoming a lad education requires me visiting a strip club, so that could be interesting.
Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Stupid to get so hyper, for thinking things that I knew could never happen to me. Stupid for not hiding this better. Stupid to not realise that he was as pissed as me the other night. Stupid of me to run around telling everyone (ok, just blog people, E, Lizard, JF and TP but more than enough!). Stupid, Stupid, Stupid me

Thursday, November 25, 2004

I dunno what to do or think!
Been laying in bed for an hour and couldnt take it any more.
Not going to the lecture this morning, gotta try and calm down, gotta sort my presentation out too.
need sleep too some point too.
I shouldnt get too hyped up, what if we talk things over and decide to remain mates? that neither of us can handle the distance thing?

the LF loves me.
He told me so.
That there is a connection, electricity between us, he's always felt it, never cared about anyone the way he's cared about me.
he's coming down. tonight.
I've gotta explain to the folks that I'm not coming home for football tonight.
Fucking hell. I'm giving up charlton V Chelsea for him. What if Spotty plays?
What if this is all drunk talk?
He told me that its the distance thing that pisses him off and its the same for me.
What do I say to the folks and fuck me what do I say to BB?

*a 3 day later edit, just so I can remember it*

We went out me, STF and the twins A and S. Beat STF on the mechanical bull only he stole my phone and text MH, BB and LF saying that he had beat me. BB who was pissed and I'm not sure gets the fact that I can hang with lads and not fancy them, replied with a pissed off text, LF wanted to know who STF was and why I had never mentioned him before.
So we text on and off all night and went to Scream which is a student only club night, asked LF why he hadnt rang me like he said. He'd forgotten, but would ring me now if I wanted. Told him I was in a club and he said can he carry on getting drunk and miserable, I said yeah and if he wanted I'd ring him when we left if he was still awake.
I spoke to him for over an hour and he asked again about the BB and I told him that it was cos I was miserable and lonely and he distracted me.
Then he drops his bombshell. Both agree that I can't leave my family at the mo and he can't leave his brothers.
Tells me off for messing with his head and I laugh and tell him he's messed with mine more, reluctantly say good night.
Text him almost straight away asking him if he wwas really coming and if he cared, he replied with that he had shaved and was almost packed and he did care.
Text again saying, see ya later and he replies with see ya soon, very soon. luv ya xx.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Do you know what really, really pisses me off about that Band-Aid single?
The line, "And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time"
Of course there wont be snow! Its fucking Africa for fucks sake!
Was talking to The Lizard last night and confessed to her how I felt about the LF.
She reckons I should just come out with it, thing is. I'm not going to do it down the phone, which is why I wanted him to come down so I could work out if there was any reason for me to confess all.
So I rang him yesterday instead and whittered away (read: garbled so fast due to the phone phobia that on several occasions he had to tell me to shut up so he could answer my questions.) for 20 minutes until my phone credit ran out unexpectedly on a question about whether the sea at Scarborough got ice-burgs in it in the winter.
so he text me telling me (after some persuasion) that he was very proud of me for having stuck on the phone for so long and he'd ring me tomorrow, he did talk about coming down for a weekend once he gets paid on the 30th, so we'll see on both counts.
One of the first things he asked about was the BB so do we take that as a sign of jealousy or just general interest? Answers to the usual address please!
But I tried to point out as much as possible that I dont really have any feelings for the BB and he's just something to take my mind of my general misery.
Anyway. I have for the last week spent more time playing solitaire than working on my presentation for tomorrows Rainforests and Deserts so I really need to get on with that
I also need to get back into the habit of eating properly, all I had yesterday was a mini-pizza thing, thing is for the last few days I've just not felt hungry and if I have done, I've ignored it thinking it'll go away soon and it does, which isnt the best thing to be doing I know.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

So maybe going out with H2 was a bad idea, even if i was only out for an hour, and I only had 3 drinks, I got wrecked.
Possibly due to the only thing I had to eat all day was a ham toastie.
So I started stumbling to BB, figuring he could keep me company seeing as I was still miserable.
and I started texting LF, telling him that it didn't matter if he couldnt come up tomorrow (today) that I still loved him anyway and he was my best mate.
So to be honest I'm very glad he took that in the wrong way and I got
"You know wot. I love u2. ur one of the few people on my wavelength." (I think he was pissed too)
Wrong answer, well its not, its the right thing to say but not for my head and in my drunken state.
Cos now I'm sitting here, eating cold kebab meat and chips and wondering, yet again if there is something I should be hoping for.
We had a pretty furious text conversation last night, pre-drinking session, in which he apologised again and again for not getting the money together sooner, that he would do his best to get the money today and how gutted he was and had been looking forward so much to seeing me.
To be honest I dont think he's gonna get the money together but now I am also wondering if there is something else, cos the texts just seemed *too* intense for mates. Or am I just reading more into a situation cos I want more?
I know I moan on and on about this, but I can never work out if he's just being matey or whether he's hiding his feelings as well as I'm hiding mine.
Ah shit on this.
I'm gonna throw this shit food and go have a nap.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Todays the day!
Well possibly.
Its still quite possible that LF will not make it down today and I'm preparing myself for the worst, but I'm still gonna be heart-broken if he tells me I have to wait another day or calls off completely.
But I'm not gonna lose faith, I'm keeping everything possible crossed that he does make it down today, and can I ask all you fab Bloggy people to keep everything crossed for me too?
No doubt I'll be updating later in the day with the news that he can't come.
But if he does make it down, then this blog will take a little break till Wednesday at least, as I'm not quite ready to come out in front of him!

*4.16 edit* He cant get the money together, been trying all day but unsucessfully, he might try his mum again tomorrow, but if not will have to come up at the weekend sometime.

Proper gutted and he is too

Sunday, November 21, 2004

Spent all day and my Kew Gardens work is only half way done and come hell or high water it WILL be handed in tomorrow.
Plus the LF is not sure if he can make it up tomorrow as he is skint and his mum won't lend him the money, I suggested that he starts busking.
He suggested that he sells his body and I told him that would only get him to York and he'd have to find a lot of blind people.
I hope he gets the money together, I've been looking forward to this for so long.
Round of applause for me please.
Woke up late, decided I'd really better tidy my room in honour of LF's Impending visit, so hoovered (first time since I moved in, in September!) and took my washing down.
Dark wash, yup.
Light wash...
I recently brought a bright yellow smiley face T-shirt.
Did that fit in with light wash?
Well it was yellow, ok, bright glow-in-the-dark yellow, but yellow's a light colour right?
I now have bright yellow underwear, all my best pants (admittedly not many of them, but still!) are yellow. My top is yellow, my bra's are all yellow.
I could quite rapidly go off yellow.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

What a day.
Watched Harry Potter 3 last night with TP then BB asked if I'd come to his, he'd just got himself wasted on a bottle of wine and was fairly emotional.
By the time I got there he was onto the "lets be aggressive and fall over lots" stage.
Which was kinda funny.
MH text, and I think things got sorted, but according to STF today, she text him saying that we'd had a huge row, so God only knows what she's up to there, apart from being a huuge drama queen.
I'm not pissed with her anymore, I told her I was angry, she apologised, I thought that was the end of the matter, but obviously not to her!
Woke up and badgered BB until he made me breakfast in bed, sausages, burgers, toast and hash browns, what a sweetie!
While eating that, I kinda got the feeling that things were not right and when I came home I realised that I had been right and my insides were happily falling out.
Struggled down to Our Beloved Friary in order to watch us lose and then staggered back home, where I have spent the rest of the day, curled up in my bed, contemplating DIY surgery on myself, ANYTHING to get the pain to go away!
So my plan of getting work done today has been wasted, dont think I'll be out with the lads tonight and I'll be curled up, gobbling paracetemol and cursing once again the fact that I was born a girl.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Things I have learned lately.

1 - The Grudge, is the SHIT scariest movie ever. Normally horror movies dont bother me but that was shit scary. Me and STF we're continually hiding in our seats or grabbing each other to make each other jump.
2 - The Japanese make the best horror movies.
3 - My Brat passed his driving test, I'm never gonna hear the end of it.
4 - American English by Idlewild, is possibly one of THE most awesome songs ever. Full stop.

I got a text from The Sheep today.

I'm tired of the stick I've been getting for this and the Gary Neville Shirt.
So come on, loyal readers, whats the worst thing you ever had to admit too? Come on, you can admit to it here and get it off your chest and be absolved of your sins, that STEPS CD? All is forgiven.
Fancying Paula Radcliffe? Get it off your chest now.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

To MH.

1 - I don't know if something I have said to you has given you the wrong end of the stick or if you are deliberately causing trouble but do not tell LF I have feelings for him when I do not.
2 - I am not an insensitive bitch and have not been using LF to wind BB up.
3 - Our relationship may be a joke but we ain't hurting anyone.
3 - do not go to STF implying otherwise.
4 - Please stop telling me that I do not have to go home after uni, I am doing what I feel is best for my family, I am not happy about it, but I accept it, you only make matters worse by insiting that I do not need to go home.

If you are jealous that I am getting a visitor and you are not, I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do about that.

(Please note: This is an extremely edited version of an extremely pissed off email that I sent earlier today, I hate confrontation.)


On unrelated topics.

SN.... Awwww. Its melting....

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

After all the hype, you let us down!
England were shite.
Never mind, lets hope u continue to be shite on Saturday.
(Us V The G-Man!)
Maybe we'll only lose one or two - nill, instead of the usual 4-0!
I have a little confession..
And its not as sordid as confessing to The Sheep, that actually I quite like Cliff Richard and think the man is a Legend.
No. My confession is a little more dirty than that.
I am now sitting in front of my computer, supposedly finishing my Rainforests to Deserts presentation, in time for the England match tonight.
However, I am now wearing a new England shirt.
"Not so bad" You say.
Well, it has G. Neville on the back and his number, yes somehow STF convinced me to join the G. Neville fan club (currently 4 members, including us two) and get a England shirt with his name on the back.
He was also trying to convince me to wear it to the pub on Saturday, I nearly agreed, then realised what he was saying.
I'm sorry, I shall go and seek therapy immediately

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

I appear to have been stood up...
So I look for other ways to entertain myself this night.
TP is busy doing uni work, BB appears to be "away" according to his MSN.
So what's a girl to do?
I sigh and find a spoon and a new tub of Ben and Jerry's half baked, and put on Lethal Weapon
Only a quick post as STF and R are coming to pick me up so we can go cheer on the paddies (No Matty Holland though!)
MH pissed me off last night via MSN, telling me that I was too excited about LF coming down, that it was insensitive of me to go on about it to BB and accusing me of having feelings for him.

1 - I have been so miserable the last few weeks, does she want me like that all the time? Him coming to visit has given me such a lift and is helping me get all my work in on time. I'd be that excited if GT or OF, anyone that'd I'd not seen for so long came to visit.
2 - I may be a lot of things but I am not insensitive, I told BB about him coming to visit, cos that was only fair and only mentioned it once since then, the other night.
3 - I honestly dont know what my feelings are about LF, I dribble on about it here, far too much and still dont know, at the moment I see him as a valued mate, there are "what if" feelings there, but I would die than tell people that, and as far as they're all concerned he's a best mate.

STF said maybe she's jealous, she's no longer the main person in my life, LF would never have come to visit us last year without Jena, and she thought I'd be the lonely one, where as instead they've all made an effort to look after me and she's lonely in her place on her own.
Or perhaps I'm just (finally) growing up and not letting myself be ruled by well-meaning but thoughtless idiots.

Monday, November 15, 2004

I won a rubber glove!
Yay me!
A yellow ribber glove!
I have no idea why I won it, suspect it was for the 4 bottles of VK that I brought last night..
Met MH at Derby Station, and we ended up in Our Beloved Friary, meeting A and STF there.
Wit my glove proudly on one hand we met up with N and R and N's Housemate J and got carried (Why does N always end up carrying me? I dont get it.) to a bar in town, only stayed for the one there (aint i good?)
Then came home and finished the hab management, while pissed, what an achievement!
Then went to see BB and had just settled down to sleep, still proudly showing off my glove when LF text at 2am, informing me that he was pissed.
Then about half 4, I had a dream of spiders crawling up my spine and down my arm, and spiders dont really bother me but I felt the legs and I woke bolt upright, shouting.
"Oh Shit! Oh Shit!" and slapping my arm and any part of BB that didnt get out of the way quick enough
Anyway, managed to get Hab management in (Yay!) and we drove for 3 hours to see baby white fluffy seals (very, very, very, very cute) for an hour then came back home again.
Meanwhile me and LF were in the middle of a serious Text war, as we usually manage to do.
Wanted to get my own back so sent him a text hoping I'd woken him, only he was already awake and we then had a 2 hour text conversation, which ended with me deciding I was God and he was a lesser God who was only fit to lick my God-sandals and be the main God when I was on holidays.
Now I think I'm being taken out by STF and N to a pub quiz then possibly a night at Desperate and Easy.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Been working on my Hab management since I got back from football. (4-0! Go JJ!)
So I'm sorry there is no real report from my POV (not that anyone cares what I have to say), as a bonus however my essay is only 720 words short, gonna call it quits now and take it home and re edit it and hopefully bump it up tomorrow night and hand it in on Monday morning.
I'm shattered.
LF is definately coming next Monday till Wednesday and I think he has planned a lot of drinking and living off of takeaways. (I love that guy, he always has THE most awesome ideas!)

Friday, November 12, 2004

Spent most of the day doing my Habitat management (Oxleas woods) stuff, need another 1000 words at least this weekend and then edit it to hand in Monday, then hopefully get all of Rainforests and deserts done Tuesday and Wednesday and hand in Thursday.
MH is meant to be visiting Sunday night. STF sent her a harsh email telling her to sort herself out and take care off me cos I was so miserable and he's trying to help but she should be there looking out for me.
Bless him.
Also been sorting out a "Who's who" on the side there.
Took me a while but its a work in progress so will be added to and updated sporadically.
We had our fingers crossed that we'd miss the field trip today, we had it all planned.
For anyone else, we'd have missed it but we all love Granddad Alan.
So if the weather was shitty when we got up, we'd stay home, if it was good we'd go.
And yes, it was lovely and sunny when we got up, and when we got to Hardwick Hall it was cold and cloudy and overcast.
Bastard weather.
Dad was let of off hospital so came and picked me up, which is good. MH has apologised for not being around the last few weeks and is coming over on Sunday.
And LF is coming!
Monday night (for £1 a pint night!) and then we might go see MH in Sheff on Tuesday and then he's going to see his York family on Wednesday.
I can't wait, not only for other reasons, but cos he is such a great person and we always have a laugh

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

There are times when I seriously love my lads.
A and STF brought ALL my drinks from 6:30 until I came home at 1:30.
N carried me to the bars and kept his arm around me, knowing that I was lonely and miserable and wanting that kind of physical contact and support, without me saying anything.
I'd told STF what's been going on, on Sunday and I guess he told him, and then walking home I told A and I got the sweetest text ever from STF.
Anyway Stumbled into uni to see Not-So-Evil Mike who promised me he'd try and sort it out so I graduate, But It means I need to get all my coursework in ASAP.
Fuck. And once again. FUCK!
TP is all bouncy and full of joy cos TJ has come to stay for a few days and we went into town, where I was amused when London Calling by The Clash came on and then my Mothership rang me.
Not so amused by what she had to say.
Yes it was WonderDrug day, and at this moment Dad's not even had time to have the reaction, cos he's aenemic (bugger I can never spell that!) and has to have a blood transfusion before they even start thinking about putting the drug in him and he had a bit of a turn at that so they're keeping him in hospital overnight.
So fuck, fuck, fuck FUCK!
Going home tomorrow after uni for the Charlton/Norwich match and I'm gonna try and sort my head out cos being miserable is seriously bringing me down and I'm sick of it being the main focus of my attention and I'm sick of burdening other people with my problems.

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Celebrated handing in the Voles last night, by going round to BB's to watch Shrek (and do "other things").
Except Shrek didnt work on his computer or his PS2. (Think I was lured there under false pretences!)
He's a right twitcher, I could be quite happily asleep and then the next thing I know, he suddenly pulls of a huge twitch. (Re-reading that, that could be taken the wrong way!) and there's me thinking we're in the middle of another Earthquake or on the verge of being kicked outta bed.
Or getting an elbow in the face, like last night, and it was a proper forearm smash.
Apparently, he turned to me, expecting to see tears, blood, but all he got was a mumbled "fucking hell." and then I was asleep again.
So I never really sleep well when I'm there and it doesn't help when I wake up with thoughts of rapists and attackers, to find he's draped his arm over me, and then I can never get back to sleep until he moves as I feel all claustrophobic and trapped.
(He thinks it's funny.)
Anyway I think STF Fan is organising a lads (and me!) night out, to celebrate me handing in the I.S, which will involve them buying me drinks all night long!
Yeah me!
Ecept I have to be in uni for 9 AT THE VERY LATEST tomorrow for a meeting with Evil Mike.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Finally got the bastard handed in a little after 2:30pm.
Sitting here now thinking about all the things that I did wrong on it and playing that old game of "What grade am I gonna get?"
Feel like there should be more celebrating.
You know, there should be champaine water fights, like on the F1 on telly, there should be confetti, a fanfare, and fireworks and candyfloss.
I think I may go get some ice-cream to celebrate - Oh yes, I know how to party - Go me!

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Its all over...
I can't wait to hand it in tomorrow, I'm going to read it over several times before then and make the pointless little edits but I am so relieved.
Its over 30 pages long, and I'm sure after all this effort I'm still gonna end up with my usual set of D's for it, but its over, now all I need to do is print it off at uni as I'm still inkless here and hand it in.
Going straight in after my driving lesson, so hopefully it will all be in by 1pm at the latest and I'm not going to Aquatic Biology just so I can have some time off to chill before sitting down to catch up with all my other neglected work.
But it's done.
The Voles I.S is over ad I'm never doing anything like that again!
The I.S is due in tomorrow!!!
Yet I'm still taking time out to go see Man U V Man City.
Probably not a good plan...

Saturday, November 06, 2004

I think LF now thinks Im sucidal, or slightly pathetic, I sent him a series of increasingly desperate texts, and he's coming to see me and stay for a few days.
He's had an accident himself, got slammed into by a pallet truck and pinned against a concrete post, so is off on sick pay.
Bless him.
This is either a good thing that he's coming to visit or a bad thing.
A - it means the BB will probably get pissed, and not want to see me anymore, which could be a good thing, cos I'm growing more and more aware that I cannot allow this situation to continue.
B - Just getting the texts was making me fluttery in the tummy and eager for more, so it is possible that I'll get drunk one night while he's here and confess all, and be rejected, as from the way he was sounding tonight, he now just sees me as a mate.
But we'll wait and see.

First away win of the season!
Against the managerless Spurs too! - means plenty of taking the piss outta Dad.
I'm off to see the Markeaton park fireworks later, so gotta hop in the shower and find some warm clothes to wear.
I'm going to confess now that after the excitement of hearing Stevie Brown on the radio had worn off. I missed most of the Charlton 2nd half, I fell asleep with us two-nil up and woke up to find us down to 10 men and the score 3-2!
*wonders who she can "borrow" in order to watch MOTD tonight*
Also having a bit of a panic about the Voles (Due in Monday) Its done, but only has 9 references and is 800 words short of the minimum, This Is Not A Good Thing.
Will be out watching Manchester Utd V City tomorrow, which promises to turn into a bit of an all dayer, so I'm gonna have to get my head down in order to pad it out a bit.
I've just got in.
Spent the night round BB's flat, rather successfully cheering myself up.
Normally I am a happy drunk, I dance, I do karaoke (both very badly!), I crack bad jokes, and attempt to stand up for myself, being mostly the only girl out with lads, and I have to take the inevitable remarks about Charlton, I wrestle with N and lose often.
No-one really knows that I go home and cry.
Except last night, possibly due to the fact that I had been throwing my food up all day, before going out and celebrating the not-failing-but-not-passing of the dreaded Driving Test.
It all started so well, UDOBF had a packet of cheap sparklers so we played in Our Beloved Friary's beer garden.
I won a game of Pool. (The Sheep joined us, but I wasn't going to let it spoil my fun). I lost 2 other games.
Then BB text, he's apologised for this and I don't think he realised how hurt it made me, thought that I'd take it as a joke. "Fancy a fuck love?"
Obviously I told him where to go.
But then I got thinking, "He thinks I'm shit, just like everyone else does." and I started to get upset.
See for a very long time before I came to uni, I believed this, I was so utterly convinced that I was nothing. Don't suppose the Mothership helped when I've overheard her tell her mates that she would have rather had The Brat than me.
(This is cos of his special needs and all the problems when he was little, I understand now why she said that.)
But it hurt and I never forgot it, I was only 8 or 9 at the time, another time, I tried to explain to her why I was so miserable at school, why the other kids hated me.
I think I was about 16 or 17 at the time and I'll never forget the way she turned to me and told me my life was worthless anyway.
I don't know why she said it or whether I took it the wrong way.
But it just seemed to confirm everything I had ever suspected.
So even though others told me different I believed that I was nothing and had no self-esteem and no self-confidence.
Then LF showed up and I finally began to think, "Well hey, he likes me, he wants to be with me, perhaps I'm not this piece of nothing like I've always thought."
And so I began to come out of myself a little, to assert myself a little.
Which is why MH can't believe that I go round BB's and I know he's using me and I don't care cos I'm using him, and when he's asleep and has his arm around me, or tells me I have great tits/ass/whatever and that I do whatever he wants me to do really well, it makes me feel better and believe that I'm not that worthless.
Anyway, I thought once uni was over I'd never have to go back, except obviously I have to go home now.
And I am so afraid, not only of what I've already said here before several times before.
I am afraid that The Mothership will take away this little, tiny piece of self-esteem that it has taken so long to grow.
So I cried in Our Beloved Friary, and then walked round to BB's and fooled around to cheer myself up a little.

Friday, November 05, 2004

I'm starting to feel destined never to pass my driving test....
Somewhere between here and the test centre I got a slow puncture, so couldnt do the test...
So after a day of throwing up and not being able to eat cos of being so nervous, I didn't have to take the test.
Does this count as my 7th test or do we scratch that one from the record?
Either way, me, CL and UDOBF and possibly Jitsu Freak and TP later are going out to get pissed.
Sadly the lads are all working so can't join us and BB is all preoccupied by his PS2.
Whats the betting that the next time I hear from him will be when he wants something?

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Thanks Billy!
I'm trying to pretend it ain't happening at the mo, was doing a good job too until ITFC wished me good luck leaving uni.
Tempted to ring BB and see if he wants to help distract me tonight.
Anyway I've just done my good deed for the day, helped the new Korean girl find out how to get from here to Stansted airport so she can go home for Xmas, She's quite sweet really, really keen to talk, but I'm terrible, I get the giggles at some of the way she mis-pronounces things.
I shouldn't do really, God only knows I had enough practise interpreting The Brat when he was having all the problems with his speech and I know how hard it is to get yourself across.
But I think I helped her ok so she can take that information down to the Coach station and book the right tickets.
Its Father's and Sons here tonight, passing all these people in fancy dress.
Basically its a sports society night out.
The Lads teams (rugby, cricket, football etc) are the fathers and the girls teams are the sons and they all dress up in costumes and get adopted by those in the same family.
E.G a Footballer could be a Doctor and adopt a girl's footballer who is a nurse.
I don't think I've explained that very well, but its a hell of a laugh, shame I'm stuck indoors doing the Voles.
(In on Monday - Yippie and ARRGGHH at the same time!)

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Well some positive news at last.
The growth on the lung has shrunk slightly.
But as always the liver and adrenal gland one have grown.
So its good that the WonderDrug has worked slightly but there is the worry now that as Dad has had the bad reactions that he'll be taken off the drug as they said they would if he had another bad reaction.
So its good and kinda bad news too.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Scan Day today.
Tomorrow we find out if the drug has worked or not, if Dad is still losing weight or not.
Even if the drug has worked if Dad has another anaphalatic shock, he comes of the drug anyway, so what do you hope for, seeing as it looks pretty likely that the drug will give him another shock?

Guess who DIDN'T go round to BB's to watch Dawn of The Dead?
Guess who DIDN'T spend all night at BB's house?
Guess who only came home at 8am, and has a driving lesson at 9:30, and has about 30 minutes sleep?
(Damn I have good willpower!)
Guess who fucked up her Stats and made Jitsu Freak come round and rescue them?

Monday, November 01, 2004

This time next week the I.S will be in, hopefully some how the mystery of just how Rowan can come out the winner after being statted, when pre-stats it was one of the least favourite will be solved....
This Friday I will attempting Driving Test number 7!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bring on the breakdown!