Saturday, January 18, 2014

So let's list everything that's happened over the last week. Starting with family.
My uncle D has threatened to get mum removed as main carer and protector of finances for Nan. He does not think she did the best to care for either her or granddad.
He wants charge of her finances. My uncle J agrees. I dont know what uncle I wants.  Not sure after last Friday he will want owt to do with her ever again. Uncle M is sick of in-fighting and is keeping out and christ only knows what aunt G makes of all this.
So. Mother has run away to Grotty. I don't know when the funeral is and am probably not invited. She is convinced she will have to go to court.
Now work. Well I may not be in my job much longer and I hope its a over reaction but the meeting yesterday did not fill me with confidence.  I am not hitting my call time targets.  I have reached and exceeded all the others.  They are getting a girl to move teams. I fear replacement.  I fear unemployment.  Have started to make steps to look for another job just in case....

Monday, January 13, 2014

My lovely, insane, slightly racist, always funny, dog loving, football supporting, mildly alcoholic Granddad died on Saturday night. Midnight.
I will always remember playing with various dogs, trips with him and my Nan to various parts of the Kent countryside, playing in rivers, hunting butterflies, fishing with pint pots, climbing trees, early weekend walks with the dogs to Maryon Wilson Animal Park.
The lifts to School listening to Radio 5 and Jazz FM. The crazy football trips where he always found someone to befriend. The love that was never outwardly demonstrated. The loud screaming matches with my Nan where me, my brother and ex-police dogs huddled together. Remember growing strawberries, apples and tomatoes in the garden.
Remember how he could never remember my name, or my Brothers.
And sadly I think I will always remember him choking to death slowly and painfully. I was not there for his final moments. I slept exhausted most of Saturday. I did not want, couldn't watch those final moments.
Mother was there. One of her brothers was there and her sister. He knew I had been and that was enough.

Now I need to look after my brother. More revelations have startled and stunned me and I need to find a way to look after him and make things better for him although I don't know how.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Crazy week and yesterday was a crazy day.
Granddad continues to go downhill. Yesterday wass upposed to be the end and indeed he did "die" a few times but his pacemaker did its job and kicked in making his heart beat again. As cruel as it sounds I wish it had an on/off switch. His dying is painful, prolonged and I am once again convinced of the need for human euthanasia.
I sat up all night at the hospital with him. As mum ended up having a fight with her brother and his partner and then came home having a crisis and sobbing about how she's been pushed out and was made to break the promise of being there at the end.
I don't know the full ins and outs of it, and nor do I want to. There is a time and place for infighting and in front of a dying, painfilled man is not it.
So I went to the hospital and stayed there all night, listening to his choking, gargling coughs. I left at 7am and walked home and slept through to half 5. I still feel really groggy and sleepy and Mother is there so I don't feel bad at not being there. I don't want to be there. I am still scared horribly of death. I would be there if needed. If he was alone, if Mother has another breakdown and runs away I will go in her place.
But let's hope it doesn't go to that again.
Kudos to Brat who broke his terror of hospitals to sit there for an hour or so and for Welshy as well who came up with me but left at 2-ish.
Speaking of Brat apparently the revelations of the other day are true. Her name was Summer and was a Prem baby. She lived a day.
I am too tired to think about this any more. I will just sit here and wait.

Monday, January 06, 2014

Been to see Granddad most of the last few days. Peaks and troughs there as well. I hate this waiting. As bad as it is I just want it over.
Mother is home and I don't know what to believe about the story from Welshy. Apparently Brat and Mother sat up late last night and he told her that 6 months before Dad died, he had a girlfriend. Who had his baby. Who lived only 24 hours. He would have been 19 at the time.
Somehow this seems to be a way of explaining away his horribleness for the majority of the time I've written this blog.
I don't know any more of the story than this. I get home about 7.20 and Mother was on the phone and then she went to bed as I was in the bath. Best to wait and see if I learn any more.
Kinda dazed and confused about the whole thing.

Wednesday, January 01, 2014

Happy New year all.
Later than normal but here is my annual year review.
Its been a really good year looking back for me. So many changes and differences. I  think back to this time in 2011 when I knew that things would change. They have continued to change and develop.
Firstly good points - I started the year looking for a new horse to play with, I found Gracie but didn't gel with her and her owner and got a good boot from another horse as well.
Easter came and I found Wonderhorse, I've learnt so much from riding her, continue to learn. I never thought this time last year that I would have semi-confidently have jumped a double fence. Jumped 70cm, done another dressage contest. I've had a bit of a confidence wobble on her lately, which is probably due to the wind and weather conditions but its coming back and I will continue to learn.
Holidays. I've been so spoilt. This was The Year of Thirty, also dubbed The Year of Adventure. Inter-railing with Welshy. Visiting a lovely old spa in Budapest, the awfulness of visiting Auschwitz near Krakow, and the exploration of Prague and trying to sleep on trains.
I visited Paris for a day trip with a friend which was lovely, going to The Louvre and seeing so many great works of art and queuing for hours to get up the eiffel tower.
Welshy took me to Zadar in Croatia for my actual 30th and I taught him to snorkel and we visited a national park with a little cove that we frolicked and snorkelled in amongst waterfalls.
Then to top it all off Dubai. Not a place I thought I'd enjoy but yet an epically good time. Visiting crazy malls, sandboarding. camel-riding. An unforgettable trip to Oman for snorkelling.
I've been a very lucky girl there too.
In May I decided I wanted a new job, and after 13 interviews I got offered a new job in October, and then another job after that which I took. Made new friends there and my probation ends this month. Amazing money, more than I've ever dreamed of earning and the sudden possibility that I'll be able to complete my remaining 30 Bucket List that I've put on here. I don't enjoy the long hours but it'll be worth it I'm convinced, I do fret that I will do something to cock it up and end up unemployed or something but that's silly talk.
Welshy has been here, there and everywhere. I am very lucky to have him.
Mother has found love again and I'm glad for her but yet uncertain as to where this leaves me, but its good. I want her to be happy and she is now.

Bad points to 2013? Well Granddad's illness coming on strongly and suddenly, I know he will not be with us longer. If he makes it to the end of Jan I will be impressed. The poor run of form Charlton have had this season also does not make me happy, but you can't have everything!

Its not often that you can sum up a year and have more good points than bad but I have had an amazing 2013 and now I'm off to start to put one of the remaining bucket list items into place....... Watch this space! Toot toot!