Oh dear God.
I think I have made such a fool of myself.
Picked up LF Thursday night and we chilled, watched Die Hard, well I did, he snored in my ear.
Then we started to mess around like we always do, beating the shit into each other, (left him with a lovely scratch on his forehead) and eventually I plucked up the courage to ask him if he remembered what he said Wednesday night.
He thought about it for a bit, said that he remembered talking on the phone, getting very drunk and falling off his computer chair, and writing a note to say that he had to get to Derby that morning.
Me (hiding the disappointment): So you dont remember?
Him: *thinks a bit more* nope, why did I say something to offend you?
Me: Nah. *sigh.
So I've made an idiot of myself by getting excited about something that he was too drunk to remember and didnt mean and telling people that he cared.
So we go back to beating each other up and general abuse and I don't know, the way he held me sometimes. Reading too much into a situation? Possibly.
Anyway.
We both end up sleeping on the floor for some reason. he had a sleeping bag and we were both on the duvet and i woke up cold and he tried to roll his body onto me and share his body heat and the sleeping bag, nearly flattening me in the process.
Wake up to find him on my computer and we went on an all day bender from midday to half one in the morning, meeting up with A, STF, N and some random French guy and they all got on well.
N whispered to me that he gave me proper over-protective looks when I was messing with the others.
Came home and watched a Foo Fighters DVD.
And then he starts to mess with me, and I let it happen for a bit, mainly cos I'm drunk out of my head, but eventually reality kicks in.
"You're gonna have to stop, please stop."
we talk for a bit, and he confesses that some how he got onto this and read some of the comments that I'd put wednesday night, but got out of it as soon as he realised what it was and he was sorry for doing it and he seriously considered doing a runner while I was asleep, so credit to him for not doing that, the LF I knew a few years ago would have gone.
He only wants a bit of fun, can't give me what I want from him. That the distance is too much. Admits that we are very simular but in some ways we are very different.
So I'm well shamed that he knows how I feel about him and he dont feel the same.
So maybe he's right and it really is time I got over this stupid obsession.
So I put him on the train about half hour ago and it hurts like hell to let him go.
I know I'll always have his friendship so at least I dont have to worry about that.
But I can't believe I have made such an idiot of myself.
And I can't work out why he said such things down the phone the other night, even though I never said anything to him about my feelings.
I didnt want to go into it at the time, didnt want to seem like a bunny boiler.
Think I'm going out with the lads later today, doing the Derby mile (of pubs) and they reckon my becoming a lad education requires me visiting a strip club, so that could be interesting.
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Stupid, stupid, stupid me. Stupid to get so hyper, for thinking things that I knew could never happen to me. Stupid for not hiding this better. Stupid to not realise that he was as pissed as me the other night. Stupid of me to run around telling everyone (ok, just blog people, E, Lizard, JF and TP but more than enough!). Stupid, Stupid, Stupid me