I'm going back to London tomorrow, in time for the Newcastle game.
And i'm shitting myself, well and truly properly on-the-verge-of-tears, stomach-churning, sleep-stealing frightened and i have been for the last week.
And its such a silly thing to be frightened of, well its not really, but its scary. I'm frightened that when I go home, I will see a change in Dad,
i'm frightened that he will have lost weight, that he will be starting to look ill, that the Drug has not worked.
They gave us 9 months back in June, that's March, and I know its stupid to go on what doctors say as they ain't always right, look at that Jane Tomlinson who does all the triathalons.
But i can't help it. I
'm frightened for myself, for not being able to look after Mothership and The Brat,
I'm frightened of the enavitable.
I'm frightened of something that may not happen for a long time yet.
I'm frightened that, That Something will have started.
I'm frightened that I will not be strong enough to deal with That Something and I am not strong enough to look after everyone.
And most of all I'm so sick of being that strong person expected to look after everyone, I don't want to be so independent any more, I want someone to look after me, to hug me and hold me and stroke my hair and tell me its ok, they'll look after me.
I'm drunk, and I'm going to stop now, i'm sorry for anyone who has had to read this self indulgent crap.
im gonna have a shower and get in bed and cry for something that HASN'T happened yet but will happen.
God I'm pathetic.