Bastard, wanky, shitty trains.
an hour and three quarters journey took 3.
WTF?
We got diverted somewhere past Kettering and then stopped for twenty minutes outside of Leicester.
The train was going so fast I could have outwalked it!
Still it gave me some time to sort things out with BB.
We both agree we dont want anything serious but I refuse to sleep with anyone I'm not in a serious relationship with so we're kinda at a draw.
Except the damn bastard has made me feel as horny as hell and he knows it, so I think that means the three points go to him.
I think we could get to be very good mates, but whether he'd want that is a different matter, I'd like to be mates, he's funny and a good giggle.
I don't mind a bit of messing about, cos I know its not going to go any further and its only a bit of fun, but I don't want to be thought of as easy so think our -ahem - night time games may have to come to an end.
I'm not sure he wants to be just mates but hey, its his loss and like I say I don't feel bad about going round to his the other night when I was drunk.
---
Its Halloween and I'm deprived of a TV to watch scary movies and no fancy dress halloween party here, like we used to do at our house.
I'm well gutted that I don't even have a scary DVD to watch, I love scary movies at any time of the year but it feels compulsary to watch a scary movie at halloween.
----later edit----
STF being the coolest person ever, text and demanded that I come and help him work his way through the ENTIRE Nightmare on Elm Street collection, sadly I only made it through the first film before needing my sleep

I've just seen a rap version of "happy talk."
You know, this song:
Happy, happy, happy talk.
talk about things you like to do.
If you don't have a dream, how you gonna make those dreams come true.
Random.

*sigh*
There was a bonus to going home, I should remember that, I came home and found lots of stuff out for Habitat Management, so what if I didn't get any I.S done?
We didn't win today.
I get the feeling that its going to be a long, season.
Was pleased that J.J scored, I remain hopelessly optimistic that he will find his first season form again and Konchesky showed up as a late sub, we'd been wondering where he was earlier in the day.
I quite like Konch, I dunno what Curbs seems to have against him as to why he don't play very often.
I totally missed the own goal as I had turned to hand Granddad the programme, guess that was a bonus too!
Anyway, Jerome Thomas who was one of the few highlights from Wednesday night, also had another good game, I thought and I have to say that I think Luke Young has improved a hell of a lot this season, getting forward and everything.
MH text all excited telling about seeing Mark DeBolla, from when we went to Chesterfield last season and I told him I was stalking him, (Worrying both him and his missus!)
She also noted that Jamal Campbell-Ryce was a "Dirty little basket." as she put it.
---
You may also have noticed that I now have a "contact me" on the side there----->
Originally when I started this blog it was just for me to whinge off privately in, away from prying eyes, then somewhere along the line I decided I wanted to have comments and things, and then to have other people who read this, although I'm sure my readership equals about 3 people and I'm still freakily afraid of someone I know finding out about this.
Anyway, I tried to send JAKARTASS an email so I can claim my prize but if you never receive the email, would it be possible to contact me on that?
---
Off now to watch "Straw dogs" with Dad, possibly taking in a little MOTD so I can laugh at Manure!

I've won a prize!
Yippie!
Ok, its winning by default (de-fault, de-fault, the two sweetest words in the English language!) but still mail of any kind is dead exciting, especially mail from Abroad!
Am quite tempted to sell the picture on Ebay and make my fortune but think I'll be too excited by the post to sell any part of it!

See that Spotty Parker was in the paper yesterday about gambling?
I guess he needs something to spend his millions on.
Bet he was well impressed about being described as an "England ace!"
---
Biker Boy text last night, the first time I'd heard from him since Sunday night after I'd been telling Jitsu Freak all about my escapades on MSN.
Anyway I text him back last night and then not heard nothing.
So not sure where I stand there, To be fair, I deliberately didn't text him or contact him in any way after Sunday to see what he would do, and as I hadn't heard anything assumed it was like some sort of one night thing.
Have I been fucked over? Was he only texting to find out whether I was free to go round there? Is it wrong that I still don't care either way? Will I get to use my Fuck yourself with a cactus line?
---
I got locked out of my own house today.
I'd gone back down the Heritage centre today, couldn't find any more useful info so came home and M&D had gone to ASDA.
I did have keys, I dunno where my house keys are so had borrowed Dad's.
I couldn't get into the house, couldn't even get into the porch!
I sat on the front wall for 15 minutes before the neighbours came up to rescue me.
It was freezing and I was wondering if they had done the "Change the locks" thing.

He didn't say anything.
Nothing that I could see as being taken as offensive or degoratory.
He called them the Pal-arse instead of Pal-is and said it was us against That Lot.
Surely if we're going to sack him, we should also get rid of the guy who put up a little film of us beating them last time we played them?
Anyway, you can read more about it here, (including a match report, I'm far too depressed about the result still to put links up to other match reports and give my version of the game) and here and get his apology here.
I want him back!
Meantime I have plans to cure my general depression by watching my tape of the '98 playoff final and eating Ben and Jerry's - which lets face it is THE king(s) of Ice cream.
---
Isn't it terrible that a football result has managed to bring this result to me? Then again I think a lot of it is everything thats going on as well.
Hopefully once all the I.S is in a huge weight will be off my shoulders.
At the mo I feel like I'm getting bogged down in a never ending mess of Dad being "A walking corpse" as the Brat described him/trying to help E, who is taking a turn for the worse/The fact that I'm taking a backwards step in going home/I'm terrified of losing the tiny bit of self confidence and esteem that I got from being away, and being with Mothership who takes it all away/screwing up this, my most important term/not being able to look after everyone.
It all seems to be going round and round my head at the mo and not getting an escape route.
So yeah, its all a hell of a lot and I dunno why all of a sudden it seems to be leaning heavily on my shoulders, when I can least afford it too.

I could tell of lots of things.
About Brian Cole (Our stadium announcer) being sacked over comments he made last night.
I don't remember hearing anything that bad,
About Granddad's new dog and my "Hilarious" trip to Mycenea house and then down to the Woolwich Arsenal to investigate the heritage centre and do work for Hab Management.
But the thing is I can't be bothered.
The general "Why bother with anything?" Feeling is coming over me and I just feel like being miserable and watching TV, snuggled into my duvet until the heavy feeling in my stomach decides to go away.

Just too depressed to blog.
I'd have rather won tonight than at the weekend.
And why is The Bodyguard always on?
Its shite

Todays the day!
Yes! I'm running to catch the 1pm train (plenty of time in case of inevitable delays) so I'm in London by 3pm, home by 4 at the very latest.
E has text me saying that the regulars in her shop are coming in to wish us Luck, TP is sick of me stressing over and over just HOW important this match is.
I am not yet feeling guilty over missing my Thursday Lectures. (This might change if we lose) Hab Management A is in, I'm just packing now and handing the laptop over to TP so she may amuse her self with DVD's over the weekend.
I'm all jittery with nerves.
Will we win? We must Win, We have to Win, I'd rather win tonight than at the Weekend.
Please send all your good luck vibes to a little corner of South East London tonight!

Finally finished Habitat Management A.
Its possibly the biggest piece of crap that I've ever written for uni and I've written some stinkers before.
But Considering I had to change my original plan on Monday and have been forced to write this on my own knowledge, two textbooks and Greenwich Councils very, very helpful(!) website and others (Big no-no) I now have two pages on Oxleas Woods, yes that site of dogging (Not putting the link I found on google up, however tempted I might be, I think I might be scared of the people that visit here from there)
Anyway, I've written about Oxleas woods and how its managed and if i struggled to do it with 2 pages God only knows how I'm gonna find 4,000 words.
---
(I realise I'm sorta alienating people who are not "local" now, so feel free to skip the rest of this.)
---
I'm trying to find more out about how they were planning to destroy some of it, way back in 1993, I was still in Primary school then so my memories of it was a little hazy but I remember My Year 6 teacher getting right up there and practically chaining herself to a tree.
Its been pretty interesting really, Did you know that parts of it are over 8,000 years old?
I mean even for a wood thats old, ancient woodlands in general are pretty rare so to have this practically on my doorstep is pretty amazing, and I can't believe I didn't know this.

I still need to find some more, actually a hell of a lot more information.
Not sure exactly where to go to get it though, would it be worth checking out Blackheath and Greenwich libaries, I think Charlton House has information about the local area is it worth looking there?
Who knows, Gonna have to find out when I go back tomorrow.
(Getting excited about the Charlton/Pal-arse match, very, very, very excited)

I've been working at habitat management all day and managed to drag myself down in a depressed misery.
I just feel really bluegh about everything and I can't put one reason down as the main reason that I feel this way, although listening to Snow Patrol doesnt seem to have helped much.
---
I've also decided that I have fallen in love with a cartoon character.
Have you seen the video to Scissor Sisters "Mary"?
Its not that guy so much, he's far too muscled for me, its just that bit at the end when he goes to kiss her and its blatently her first kiss and she gets a fit of the giggles and then he kisses her on the nose and she's all like "Heeyyy?"
It brings back a few memories for me and yes this is how low I have sunk, I am jealous of a cartoon for having someone willing to transform themselves into an owl for her.
---
I text LF earlier telling him that He has pushed me so far that I am actually going to be supporting Millwall tonight and that I hope he felt bad that I have that on my conscience as well as all the other shit thats going on.

This is kinda accurate in a slightly frightening, this-cant-be-right-it-is-only-a-bit-of-fun-way. (cheers Billy for the link)

Your Existing Situation
Volatile and outgoing. Needs to feel that events are developing along desired lines, otherwise irritation can lead to changeability or superficial activities.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Remains emotionally unattached even when involved in a close relationship.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Takes easily and quickly to anything which provides stimulation. Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics cleverly so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermined others' confidence in herself.

Your Actual Problem
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.
Has a fear that she might be prevented from achieving the things she wants. This leads her to employ great personal charm in her dealings with others, hoping that this will make it easier for her to reach her objectives.

Derby County Reserves were playing against Charlton today.
I only discovered this an hour before Kick-off.
"TP - you'd like to come to see FREE football wouldn't you?"
"You dragged me to two games yesterday, I'm all footballed out."
Bugger.
Ok, am not beaten yet.
Go through phone book hunting out people who may like to take in the football.
Most laughed at me.
Did consider calling Bobby Robson but thought it might be a bit cheeky and I REALLY need to start Habitat Management A, that needs to be in on Wednesday at the latest.
So I've been looking up ancient woodland in London for the last hour, and (mostly) playing solitaire and chatting on MSN.
Oh Yes - I am the Queen of putting stuff off.
Can see me spending all day Tuesday stressed and trying to do it.

So went out at 2, caught most of the Blackburn/Southhampton match.
Then time for action! (e.g the Manure/Arse match)
Was meant to be meeting Biker Boy after the game but he called off with that serious and life threatening disease known as Man-Flu.
So asked if I'd come to his after the game.
N,R,A and STF were naturally gutted that they couldn't check him out and demanded that I stand him up.
"If you go to his, he'll think you're easy." N pointed out wisely. "Stay out till 9 at least, without giving him a reason then go round, but I think you should stay out with us all night."
I didnt really get much chance to argue, He carried me (quite literally - nearly dropping me on my head at one point) to different bars and he and STF brought me doubles so I had to stay!
Anyway, did go about 9-ish and I got the "Dad Talk" from N.
I've never had the Dad Talk so was quite impressed. He might be a sarky bastard but he cares.
"Its worth waiting for but make sure you don't get made to do anything you dont wanna do, and if he gets a bit much for you, we'll kick his head in for you."
Anyway, we watched Predator and part of Alien3, and then found other ways to entertain ourselves!
Not that we did anything major, just messed about a little, could have gone all the way pretty easily but I have Will-Power!
Walked back here about 1:40 and went to bed.
He's not text me yet today and I dont think he will.
To tell the truth I'm not really that fussed, I dunno if I should be or not, or feel used, but frankly I don't really give a shit either way.
If he did text now asking me to come round I'd text back telling him to go fuck himself with a cactus.

Oh dear.
Mentioned to MH that I was meeting Biker Boy (BB) after the game, next thing I know I'm getting interigated online by STF who told me that he's bringing R and N to Our Beloved Friary to check him out and make sure he's good enough for me.
Which is sweet... I guess.
STF did ask if he was gay cos he don't like football, and joked that he'd try and get R to chat him up.
Frightened now. Never telling MH anything in private again!

I know, its my fault and I'm sorry.
Hate Liverpool and I hate LF, my inbox is full of abusive and mocking texts.
We'll show them down the Valley though.
Feel so ill, only had one drink and that was such a bad idea.
Gonna tidy my room a bit, have a shower and eat some Ben and Jerrys and go to bed.
Should really text that guy too, but dunno if i can be arsed too

Ohhh.
So very, very tired.
Damn my inability to pass up a challenge and damn Aftershock to hell.
One day I'll remember my vow that I CANNOT handle Aftershock and I detest the stuff, and I will remember that if I want to go out drinking I will eat at least more than one meal a day.
It was E's younger sister's birthday see, in New Eltham, and most of the night sorta goes into a blur.
Except doing "oops upside my head" with E's youngest cousin T. (They will never think of me as the cool older sister they all want again.)
And then having a tearful Mutual Appreciation Society meeting with E later, you know the kind I mean.
"I fucking love you, and I'd kill anyone that upset you, and I'm so upset cos I want to help you but I don't know how."
"I fucking love you too, and I wanna help you too."
"We rule, d'you wanna nother drink?"
"Yeah."

Anyway, woke up at 9 and past out again and had a strange dream involving Paul Konchesky drawing something that looked vaguely like the leaning tower of Piza on his knee, after I had pushed him over, complete with little cartoon tourists taking pictures..
And going round to his house to watch Shrek in his bed, eating ice - cream and then I woke up.
Wierd...

So hungover and tired, I have made my way back to Derby in order to watch the Charlton/Liverpool match, however I'm finding it hard to rustle up excitement, even though I think there is a very, very good chance we'll win (I've doomed us now.)

I've been getting a little bit of stick over last nights adventures.
I woke up and discovered that The Brat has stuck post-it notes all over the house, leaving instructions as to how to get downstairs, get to the bathroom, the kitchen etc.
The Mothership nearly wet herself laughing at me.
But the thing is I've always had a bad sense of direction.
I remember getting a bus to Woolwich when I lived in the Estate and me and Oldest Friend, thinking quite reasonably to pick up the 53 from The Standard rather than Charlton Village.
We went to New Cross before realising our mistake...
Another time me and B went to see Independence Day, this was when Well Hall still had a cinema.
We tried to get on a bus that would take us back to Shooters Hill.
We went via Crystal Pal-arse.
Ok so these were when I was quite young, so little misadventures can be explained away.
But Earlier this year I was coming home for football and saw that in a minute there was a train to Blackheath.
Whoo I thought, and walked up to the platform.
The Train went to Mottingham before I realised my mistake...
I was kindly rescued by a man who had been released from Belmarsh earlier that week, I didn't dare ask what he had done to get locked up!
In my defence I'd like to point out that I spend about 9 months of the year at the moment in Derby so little mistakes in commuting should be expected and as of yet I have not got lost between Derby and London Bridge, so you know I'm not that bad!

Remember the guy from Monday night?
Been texting TP saying he can't wait till Sunday to see me.
Wanted to see me last night but there was no way I was going out due to Kew trip.
Wanted my number but phone phobia was kicking in and I didn't want to ring someone I didn't know.

Argh!
Was up at 6:30 for the trip, walking to uni at 6:50 is a bit scary, I walk through a park and a bit of a rough housing estate see, only way for me to get there from where I live, ordinarily not a problem, not nice however in the pitch black, jumping at every leaf scuttling on the floor convinced it was a rapist/mugger/boogeyman.
Anyway got there ok, and set off at 7:30, started a conversation with Surfer Boy (SB), just a word here, - he is abso -FUCKING- lutely gorgeous, scruffy hair, fading brown permatan, and not overly muscled and a happy round face, everyone who knows him and those who don't, have crushes on him.
He's from Cornwall and was supposed to have graduated last year with most of the gang. But messed up a bit and is taking two modules in order to get the "with honours" bit of the degree.
So anyway, I was dead chuffed to have him to chat too as it makes a change from the usual mature students that I talk to on this module.
He's very nice to talk to, quiet and listens and is willing to play silly buggers - we ended up racing our wheely chairs across the lecture room.
Gonna stop drooling now, he has a gf and after spending the day in his company makes me think he's a lad I'd rather have as a very good mate.
Anyway the day was boring we were meant to go round examining the plants from dry conditions and moist and write about how its adapted.
Ok, we have a camera on our phones for a reason, and we made good use of that, writing down the latin names and wandering around, we can do THAT at home!
Afternoon was spent in the same way wandering round the grounds as Paul was being a bastard as usual and wouldnt let me go when I was done so had to wait till 4pm.
I got to Kew Garden tube stop ok and transferred my tube at westminster and got to North Greenwich easy as pie.
Now here's where I went wrong, Instead of getting the bus heading to The Standard which would have taken about 10 or 15 minutes.
I suddenly realised I had gone under the Blackwall tunnel.
Which is in the wrong direction...
It took me an hour to get back to North Greenwich Station and get back on track.
Pah.
Bloody Rush hour

Whoo!
The I.S is now 11 pages long, half way done too!
Shame I've just realised that Habitat management A is due in the same day as my train down to London, and I've not even started it yet and can't start it till Monday!
All nighter there I think!

Jitsu Freak, kindly helped me out this morning doing a standard deviation graph.
Again, Respect to her!
So I came home, all ready to do battle with the I.S.
Instead I ate half a packet of Jaffa cakes and went to sleep for an hour.
Oops.
Tomorrow I am going on a field trip. To Kew Gardens.
I have to be in uni by half 7!!!!
This means getting up at half 6.
What The Fuck?!
There are some bonuses to this, it means I score a free(!!) trip to London, and a day out, away from Granddad Alan and the usual dreariness of a full day at uni.
The bad side to this is that:
I have to be up at half 6.
I have to lug E's sister P's birthday present around with me all day, so it will probably be in no fit state for her birthday party on the Friday night.
I have to be up at half 6.
Means I wont get any I.S done on Thursday and Friday.
I had to get my ticket routine disrupted (normally I buy return from Derby, instead its now return from London.)
I have to be up at half 6.
I'm not entirely sure how to get from Kew to Kew tube stop, so its a pretty good chance that i'll get lost.
I have to ride the district line (upminster) to Embarkment, transfer over to Charing Cross and come home this way. *Note* not a complaint, just a reminder to myself.
I have to be up at half 6.

Why is it that it costs me £21.80 to get a single to Derby to London.
But only £22.30 for a return?
Oh well, I guess at least now I know I'll be back up here for Saturday and I have my train ticket to London for the Palace game!
Yippie!

Popped in to see JC after my driving lesson - an hour zipping down country roads, scaring the shite out of me, whenever a car appeared on the otherside of the road.
He ran away with Dad's doctor's notes and enquired as to me coming and graduationg with everyone else.
Only the exam timetable is at the same time as graduation and I obviously can't take the exams early.
So I may be buggered afterall, or I can have my own private graduation with me and my family and the Vice-Chancellor.
I dunno, that seems a bit of a cop-out, after all this shit I want the proper graduation bit.
Think JC could see that on my face, he said he'd have words with Evil Mike, the head of the Biology division and Karim, who's head of zoology.
So maybe we'll get something sorted out, I'm not holding out much hope though really.
---
Still unsure of best move to make, not sure whether to get hold of his number and text him or wait and see what happens on Sunday, which reminds me that I need to book train tickets so I can come back after P's party and watch Us V Liverpool in Derby.

Ok, so we met up with a mate of TP's for the football, then his best mate joined us.
He used to go out with Ditzy J. (DJ)
we got on quite well, he was very drunk through, so i invited him to watch the football with us on Sunday even though he's a motorbike fan and not a football fan.
*shakes head* deluded poor little soul
they walked us home and he's a pretty good kisser!
so now i'm confused.
I think I'd like to meet up with him again, but I have so much shit going on, is it fair to start a relationship with anyone?
I dont want to lead anyone on, I had enough of that shit with The Sheep, which I can now accept was partly my fault.
I like him, but dunno if its like that.
This is getting pointless.
He wont show on Sunday cos he was pretty well pissed when he left us.
9.40 driving lesson tomorrow!
EEK!

Ok first things first.
I am not, repeat NOT going to do this again.
Was up at 7, got to Blackheath Station at 8, onto the platform at 20 past, find out train's cancelled.
have mild panic about missing the train.
Jump on 8:36 to Cannon Street, getting buffeted and barged by all the commuters and getting knocked off balance by the big backpack on me.
Spend the ride up to London Bridge, reading "Bridget Jones" (confirms everything I thought that it would be a pile of shite) over a womans shoulder, also getting a good dose of her hair stuck to my lips.
My own fault for putting vaseline on them before getting on the train.
Big queue to get ticket to St Pancras.
Panic getting a bit bigger now.
Find out first tube is delayed due to someone pressing panic button.
I start hyperventilating.
Miss the next two tubes due to too many people battering me and my backpack.
Catch 3rd tube.
We get stopped somewhere near Bank.
I'm about to have heart attack at missing my train.
Reach St P. by 9.55
Wonder why I can't see train to Sheffield.
Nervous breakdown ensues.
me, near tears: "oh fuck, fuck, FUCK! I'll never get to fucking Derby in time."
I sink onto my bag and examine departures timetable.
Something rings a bell.
I pull out ticket and examine it.
My train leaves at 10:25.
I'm supposed to reach Derby at 12:05.
I retreat downstairs to get a sugar fix.
Reach Derby only 5 minutes late,
Pit stop in Maccyd's.
Stop off in halls to drop backpack off and collect uni bag.
Reach uni for 1:44.
Lecture starts 2pm.
me: "Sorted!"
Off to watch Spurs v Pompey now at Our Beloved Friary.

Despite Robbos' best efforts Gills lost 3-1.
Going down to the game today, I was in high hopes, afterall the last game i'd seen was the snore-draw against Saints and anything had to be better than that!
There was an absolutely beautiful clear rainbow over Harvey Gardens, and I wished I had my phone with me in order to take a picture. (How strange does that sound?!)
Mum was accompanying us to the game as Dad didnt want to risk the rain and The Brat had to work.
We spotted the Newcastle flag flying from the flat beside the Jimmy Seed, apparently it belongs to J who was at Mum's nursery and who's mum lives in the flats and was a fanatical Toon.
Scary Matthew was clearly the worse for wear as he hardly screamed abuse throughout the game.
So the game itself, (this computer seems to be going gaga so I cannot open SkySports and add links to proper reports but I will do later).
Danny Murphy seemed to have a better game today.
Lee Bowyer had a goal ruled out for a foul so blatent that even my Mum noticed it but just a few minutes later Bellamy scored.
With the second half came rain, luckily from my seat near the front of the East stand I am sheltered from the worst of the weather, but I got soaked when the wind changed, having only my shirt and fleece on.
Our goal was pretty impressive. They gave it to Lisbie but it looked more like an own goal by O'Brian (given to him by teletext).
Mum who had spent most of her time, engrossed in the programme was fascinated by Shearer's taking his shirt off and swopping it for Hughes's.
Then I think the highlight of her day came when Matty went off after a clash of heads and changed his shorts and came back with a rather spanky looking head bandage.
The game proper livened up after Jeffers came on and we hit the woodwork several times, and I felt we were unlucky in both cases not to score, but it was typical Charlton!
Oh well, next home game is the Cup match against Pal-arse and its back to Derby by 12:30 hopefully, in time for my lecture at 2pm!

Robbo's just come on in the Gills/Blades match. (0-2)
I suddenly realise just how much I've missed him, shouting and organising things.
There's only one Johnny Robinson!
Centurary match today, just waiting for E to get down here and away we go!
COME ON YOU ADDICKS!!

There we go!
Hundreds of nice new linky things, I'm getting good now, it only took me an hour to suss it all out!
I look at all these blogs but there's actually very few that I comment on, mainly cos I kinda get the same feeling like when I'm butting in to a conversation.
Which is a kinda daft thing really.
Also cos I feel all I leave on other sites is gibberish and its ok to leave gibberish here but not on other's sites!
Football Tomorrow! Hurrah! Its been ages!

First he wasn't going...
Then he was...
Then he's coming back...
Then he wasn't....
Now??
Peacock has a book due out soon too. Will it beat Curb's book? I swear when I was in halls I heard about Curbs' book and saw it advertised on Amazon and its still not out.

We went to see Nanny and Granddad after our trip to Bromley, Nan is obviously still not over mum's "Stealing." and walked out of the room when we came in and sat upstairs all the time we were there.
I know its her illness and whathaveyou, but its not fair on Mothership as she has to deal with that as well as Dad.
*Sigh* families huh, who'd have them?

Dontcha just lurve big words?
I proper love them, love the way you can turn a simple phrase like "please be nice to Charby as her Dad has a best-before-date that he's rapidly reaching." Into a letter, jampacked with big impressive sounding words.
I mean how good does this sound really?
"Mr --- was diagnosed with Renal Cell carcinoma in jult 01, but despite surgery and chemotherapy, he now has metastic deposits in both lungs, liver and adrenal gland.
blah, blah, trial at the Royal Marsden Hospital, blah, blah, this is only palliative and not curative treatment, and his future is uncertain."
YEAH!
I'm gonna take this letter and shove it up that bastard Paul Lynch's nose and say "Take that Biatch! Remember screaming at me when I had just come back from a funeral not 4 days before, remember looking down your nose at me when I asked about getting my shit together and getting it ECF'd at the start of term?"
Yeah, Don't mess with me! Or those working at The Marsden and Macmillian's Nurses, they worship Dad, they literally kiss the ground he walks on, they rule!
Actually the main purpose of this letter is for me to stop upsetting poor John Cassella who keeps running up to me, gripping me with both arms and saying "Dont worry, it'll be alright, just keep smiling."
(Normally this is when I'm distracted and far-away thinking about I.S or more likely Charlton's next match and he makes me giggle.)
Anyway, they reckon if the drug makes Dad go wonky again and have another mild analphlaptic (sp?) shock, off he comes. So we're all hoping and fingers crossed that he does get to stop on the drug.
Tomorrow we're off to see Nanny (who still hasnt forgiven Mum from "stealing") and Granddad and maybe down to Bromley as I need to get P's 21st birthday present.
OH and cheers to those who commented when I was depressed and drunk yesterday. It means a lot.
Normal chirpy behaviour will be resumed shortly.

So after a full day of lectures, an hour and three quarters in the train another hour getting home (+ stopping of at the standard - The only place to get fish and chips!).
I walk through my front door.
The Brat confronts me as soon as I put my bag down.
"I'm so glad your home, fix the computer, its got like spyware or something."
Huh. Nice welcome.
So by 11pm, we'd established that there was 109 spyware problems on the computer.
I thought Sod this and went to bed.
I've just spent hours trying to fix it this morning.
---
Am very very glad that I didn't take STF up on his offer to ride in his car down to Essex and get a train from Guildford.
He was involved in a pile-up near Luton, which is gonna cost him £450 to repair and he's now back in Derby, unhurt thankfully.
---
So yesterday's little paranoia-fest got worse and worse as the day went on.
Didn't help by Mum ringing me up partway through the England match telling me about Dad's reaction to the drug he was getting pumped into him that day.
"He goes all red" she said. "And all hot and like he's gonna pass out. Took all day to do something that they reckon is only meant to be four hours."
He's fine now, picked me up from St Pancras and is just very tired, but he gets tired a lot these days now and is still in bed.
I'm gonna chuck my dirty washing in the washpile and start my I.S that I brought home.

I'm going back to London tomorrow, in time for the Newcastle game.
And i'm shitting myself, well and truly properly on-the-verge-of-tears, stomach-churning, sleep-stealing frightened and i have been for the last week.
And its such a silly thing to be frightened of, well its not really, but its scary. I'm frightened that when I go home, I will see a change in Dad,
i'm frightened that he will have lost weight, that he will be starting to look ill, that the Drug has not worked.
They gave us 9 months back in June, that's March, and I know its stupid to go on what doctors say as they ain't always right, look at that Jane Tomlinson who does all the triathalons.
But i can't help it. I
'm frightened for myself, for not being able to look after Mothership and The Brat,
I'm frightened of the enavitable.
I'm frightened of something that may not happen for a long time yet.
I'm frightened that, That Something will have started.
I'm frightened that I will not be strong enough to deal with That Something and I am not strong enough to look after everyone.
And most of all I'm so sick of being that strong person expected to look after everyone, I don't want to be so independent any more, I want someone to look after me, to hug me and hold me and stroke my hair and tell me its ok, they'll look after me.
I'm drunk, and I'm going to stop now, i'm sorry for anyone who has had to read this self indulgent crap.
im gonna have a shower and get in bed and cry for something that HASN'T happened yet but will happen.
God I'm pathetic.

To be fair I have 1300+ words of I.S
CL was back in Derby, I didnt get up till late so have only had mini pizza all day.
THink more drink was in my system from yesterday, only had 5 Reefs
asked LF if he's gonna come to stop in Derby to watch liverpool/charlton seeing as the brat has been forced onto child protection count so we cant go see it.
umm.
how bad is that im drunk already?
gonna have shower and go to bed.

So its 2:30 pm, I have just returned from the Uni and am settling down to do a little piece of work.
Now add to that mix, two bored lads who are also feeling slightly guilty that they buggered off to Manchesterland without me.
STF - Via msn. - "you free for the next 4 hours or so?"
Me - with visions of numbers and voles floating round my head, and suspiciously bottles of alcohol and pound coins.
"yup- why?"
"We're coming on a magical mystery tour and your coming too."
"Can TP come?"
"Sure."
TP I think is a little afraid of the lads as she refused and decided to work.
WE went to the Brewery in Burton, awesome place to visit, we saw the two Shire horses which were gorgeous and learnt how to brew beer and played with the old fire engine setting the lights off.
The lads were more impressed with the train set going through the toy town of Burton,
umm, the sight of them doing "Whoo-whoo" noises and humming "Thomas The Tank Engine's theme tune will live forever.
We then decided to go see the Walsall illuminations, which although very very cool and something I would see again, was not worth the £6.30.
Also not sure it was worth 90 minutes of The ENTIRE Bruce Springsteen collection, sung, very off key, and tunelessly by A and STF.
Still, was better than the Busted tape and Diana Ross and Lionel Richie, that it looked like in the beginning I would be forced to listen too.
(I like Diana Ross, but 3 times a lady? - possibly the cheesiest love song since Hello!)
I contented myself by doodling STF and A are Loooosers in the misted up back window.
Came back to Derby about 8:30, went to pub quiz with N and one of his housemates J and was teasd mercilessly for not being able to remember the name of Piltcarn Island, I remembered all the other facts to do with it, just not the name.
Went to Bishops and was a bit of a downer, then to Coyote Ugly, where I got to ride the Bronco Bull, and scored a respectful 37 secs, when the leading score was 40 secs.
(final and winning score 1 min 1 sec - not by me!)
Then to Scream part of our Beloved Friary, where we played aracade games until now when A walked me home.
Going to the Island tomorrow to watch England, hopefully taking TP with me, despite her protests.
She would have loved the random day out, she loves lights, was a bit worried when they told me they were taking me to a lap-dancing club, but I was only meant to be out for 4 hours.
That was 10 hours ago!

Off for a nice driving lesson with Bobby and a thrilling morning looking at journals.
Oh poor Spotty, no one wants you at Chelsea any more, not even your ex manager.
Honestly, you poor little soul.

Was scolded by N for not coming out to play last night.
Apparently the stats are ok (Hurrah and thanks again Jitsu Freak!), now i just need to do something with the mean and create pretty bar graphs and analyse the data.
And as ITFC fan took great glee in telling me, with all the days that I'm going home, gives me two weeks to write it all up.
Yeah, cheers for that mate, 'preciate it!
Remember how I said a few days ago that we'd lost all heating in the flat due to a tripped switch or something.
Its happened again, now my toaster won't work. Hehe. Am blaming TP, she was using the toaster last!
Oh well.
Better try and figure some numbers out, and no going out tonight either as I have an early morning driving lesson.

I definately need a round of applause or something.
The following conversation took place between 18:00 and 20:00 hours, via msn.
STF: - "Pip, pip, hunney, hows ur weekend been? Not out tonight then?"
(My msn name Sleepy [insert real nickname]) "Not tonight old chap."
STF: "Whyever not? we have lots of humourous stories to recount from our trip to Manchesterland, and the night is young, and we are loaded."
Me: "I was out all day yesterday, and I'm pretty cream-crackered, so I may watch a film and go to bed."
STF: "Are you sure, dearest friend?"
Me: "Sadly yes, I must give my liver and bank account some time to recover."
STF: "Fair enough, sleep well."
I would very much have liked to have gone out, but am being good like I said I would, I even went and had a shower so I can use the excuse to myself that I'm in my pj's and not wanting the hassle of getting dressed again, for when they text later, demanding that I come out.
And I've always wanted to say. "Not tonight, I'm washing my hair."

Huh.
Didn't wake up till late and went into town where I went on a bit of a mini-DVD spree, picking up Lethal Weapon2 for £3 and buying Braveheart and Die Hard2 in a buy one get one free deal at Smiths.
Why do shops put the sequals out for stupid prices but not the originals?
Its all a con really.
But no more DVD's for me until Harry Potter3 comes out and the extended LOTR2 comes in the post soon.
I think Thomas More was the one I was thinking of last night, I knew it was something with a "name" name, one of my friends from the stables went there.
I saw ITFC Fan on the way to the pub yesterday, he was off to uni to do some work.
Jesus, get your priorities right, am sure I will be upset when he next tries to show me how much he's done and ends up with several grades better than me, but hey!
You gotta take a break sometimes.
Going home on Thursday, so better have a fairly cheap week, this week, no nights out. (well apart from Wednesday nights game, and I'll come home straight after full time so can't be tempted into spending more money.)
TP's getting good at the football, she now knows who Alan Curbishley is - even if she did try to tell me his name was Alan Carmichael - and she knows Deano, so now she can graduate onto the harder players.
She already knew people like Sven, Becks, Owen and Rio and knows Spotty from when I dragged her and TJ to watch the Southhampton game, and the Chelsea away game, she'll be able to name the whole team by Xmas, if I have anything to do with it.

im pissed.
been out drinking since 2
never unestimate the pulling power of a charlton shirt.
Been chatted up by lad from Luton, who watched cup match last year, and recognised me from monday nights.
found lad who went to catholdic school in Eltham, Joan Roan? dunno what that one is, any help? reminds me why i hate london lads, sorry but im used to lads and lad talk my best mates are lads and i hang with them often but london lad talk puts me on edge and makes me uncomforthable.
poor scottish squaddie, found him too, and his mate Ruprect, only his real name was pete? go figure.
ended up pouring my heart out to him and him likewise.
bless, think he was marries, and lonely, and not getting non army life .
would have liked him as mate, bless.
no becks for wedsnesday.
ah well.

I was reading the BBC's Woking v Halifax preview:
'Halifax striker Lewis Killeen may play, despite a clash of heads against Exeter which caused his eyeball to pop out.'

MH sent me this from the ROI FA website.
'Travelling fan guide to Paris'.
The reminder: 'All supporters departing Ireland should be in possession of a valid passport and don't forget to check you have your travel documents and money.'
Fans, be thankful for 'Some taxi advice. You can either hail one on the street or wait at a taxi rank of which there are hundreds - just look for the square sign with a white TAXI on a blue background.'
The best has to be:
'When crossing the road at a crossroads, as soon as you see the little green man it means that you can cross the road.
But if you're any doubt, stop, look, listen, live.'
*zips lips shut to avoid making the all too easy, stupid Irishman jokes*

My lads (as I've started to refer to them.) are on their way to Manchester now, well apart from R who is on his way to France for the Ireland/France Match, shortly to be accompanied by MH.
Bit gutted that I couldn't have gone but they all brought their tickets long before I came back to Derby, and I don't really have the money to go or can spare the time away from the I.S.

Paranoia is hitting in, I have yet to hit the lows of ITFC Fan who confessed to not only having his I.S on disc, printed out, but saved on three different computers, one of those in a different county.
He also tried to tell me how much he had done - so I, quite reasonably - hit him upside the head with my newspaper.
But last night I dreamed of a fire in the flat and not being able to find all my data in order to save it, so at Tesco I brought one of those plastic wallet things and it now is safe under my bed, where I can grab it quickly in case of fire.
I also thought I saw a water vole scamper across the Marketon Brook walk, It must have been a rat though, but I'm not sure....
I have visons of the damn things, The words jump out at me, while looking up journals, anything to do with "voles." "diet choices" and those two magic little words Arvicola Terrestris I cannot escape them, and I still haven't started writing the damn thing up, I still have until the 8th of November to stress and worry about this.
By that time I will be foaming at the mouth, trying to tell anyone who listens, that voles are obssessed by nettles and sedge, they will take me away kicking and screaming after seeing a vole in Aquatic Biology, I will be locked up somewhere gibbering about losing my data.
I will start a mass and public burning of "The Wind in The Willows" whilst laughing manically.

This is top of my Xmas wish list!
Its gotta be something, when you've become a joke on Ebay!
a "Priceless" moment also on "All Quiet..."

TP was still sulking over the *shooting* incidents last night.
Walking to uni, the atmosphere was as cold as the morning air.
I decided to make amends.
"Tell you what. We could go to Tesco tomorrow and get nice food, like Ben and Jerry's."
"Tesco? Be too expensive, we need the mickleover bus from town and that'll cost a fortune."
"Nah, CL and H2 gave me their old unibus tickets, we can ride on them up to Mickleover campus and walk the rest of the way, only be about 15 minutes walk."
"Can we?"
I shrugged. "Why not?"
"Will you get up early so we can go?"
"Sod off, not for Tesco."
"Tesco, Tesco, Tesco!" She sang, happy again, skipping through the park.
All was well again, and we had an indepth discussion about the "Shazza" tattoed on Stingray from Neighbours ass and if Darren would still have a thing for Libby after 10 years throughout Habitat Management.

I always wanted to be in Fight Club, damn stupid decision to go to uni millions of miles away letting me down again....

Urk.
Spent all day looking up I.S journals, now have 30 references, knowing my luck I'll only be able to use one of those.
Sigh.
TP won't come into my room any more cos every time she does I shoot her with my new toy a foam gun.
Don't hurt none, just shocks her.
She did suggest that I give her a go with the gun.
*Looks shocked*
If she wants a gun, she should get her own.
It's mine. Mine. My own. My Ppppreccciousss.....

I HAVE PALACE CUP TICKETS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still haven't figured out how I'm gonna get away with going home but who cares?

Been watching the Terminator, I love Sarah Connor, she's awesome and proper Girl power, which got me thinking...
Who would win in a fight between Ripley (Alien) and Sarah?
It was between Ripley/Sarah and Trinity from The Matrix, but she gets disqualifed for being so utterly pathetic in Matrix Reloaded and totally stopping me from watching Matrix Revolutions.
I reckon Ripley would kick butt...

For anyone interested. This is the latest on the Spotty Parker gossip.
Like LF said the other day, it sounds like Curbs is telling Spotty to get stuffed really. He's also been linked with Lazio and Everton.
Its starting to get a little boring.
Fuck off somewhere Spotty and leave us alone.

If I could drag your attention back to CASINO AVENUE, we can see more pictures from the housing estate where I grew up, I lived in one of those little houses, and like I commented, Its' very strange to see these houses, empty and derelict from when I remembered them with people living in them, and people who took care of their gardens and houses.
I was thinking of walking over there to see them before the majority get knocked down, don't think I could now, it'd be too sad.
Whoo-hoo! Just been down to town and brought in the HMV sale Terminator1 and Dogtanian on DVD for stoopid prices.
Had to restrain myself or Student Loan would have taken a right battering!

Bobby Robson is having a baby*!
*Note. Not the REAL Sir Bob, but my 50+ year old Driving Instructor.

Stupid Computer. Stupid Printer. Stupid Makro for selling Cheap inks. Stupid Cheap Inks. Stupid Mother for being swayed by the Cheap Option. Stupid Cheap Inks for not fitting into my Computer. Stupid Aquatic Biology Notes.

Yesterday, when we got back from the pub, we discovered a little bit of excitement in our flat.
There was no hot water, no electricity in the kitchen, nothing whatsoever.
Luckily being on the top floor means we get everyone else's heat, but even so it was pretty cold.
Today we got this note through.
"An electrican was called to your flat on Monday 4th October."
I think I slept through his visit.
"The reason your power failed in the kitchen, which tripped the boiler so this meant you had no hot water and heating is because someone is using an adaptor in the kitchen with a kettle/coffee jug which is the wrong appliance to be plugged into this adaptor.
The electrican has brought me the toaster and the adaptor from your flat which is now in my office because these are dangerous. The toaster flex is almost burnt out.
Please contact me in the site office."
The toaster is TP's, been winding her up about being made to pay a fine, call out charges from the leccyman etc. She's a typical Scot and is not impressed and I think in a bit of a huff.
Anyway! I'm recovered from the misery of the weekend, and well chirpy cos I know have a grand total of £2010.70p in my account, The Loan has FINALLY cleared YAY!
AND Jitsu Freak helped me sort out my stats for my I.S, so now I have a nice ANOVA-d thing, not quite sure what all the numbers mean, but Karim is there for a reason, so am gonna pop to see him at some point to check these numbers are ok, and what the fuck I'm meant to do with them later.

How funny!
Has anyone else heard the William Shatner version of Pulp's Common People?
It cracked me up.

Awwww.
Was having a bit of a downer day, thinking about all the stuff I shouldn't be thinking about, and decided to perk myself up by dragging TP to the Chelsea/Liverpool game.
Anyway, it was raining when we came out which depressed me again, and I text LF to tease him about Liverpool losing and how we're gonna kick their ass when we go up there.
Anyway, he rang me and we had a bit of a catch up, he hadn't heard about Dad, and I made him laugh by telling him about some of my drunken actions and he *may* come and visit me, only *may* cos he's the kinda guy that says one thing and does another, but Scarborough is bringing him down so he may come visit me or MH and i'll go see him there.
He asked about my Drunken Kissing Bet, cos when I was with him, I was scared stupid and it took him 5 days of 24/7 contact before I'd kiss him.
And I told him that STF had bet N 50p to kiss me and how outraged I was, being worth so much more and he told me that he'd have at least bet a fiver!
Awesome, I love him, he's such a cool mate.
Right, I have two more lecture notes to type up before tomorrow, time to get down to it!

I now have done the first draft of my I.S Materials and Methods, its a fantastic 606 words, only another 3394 to go in order to hit the mimimum. I am tempted to go out and celebrate this by watching Ipswitch V Coventry, like I promised ITFC I would.
However I am going to sit and possibly write up some notes from last weeks lectures and start research into what the hell I can do for my courseworks for them.
I may go out and watch Chelski V Liverpool later today, But my main aim at the moment is to eat Birthday cake.

Well I think my decision to track down football in Sheffield was an inspired one.
Didnt rain in Sheffield, well not as badly as it looks like it did at home.
I did have a friend sat in front of a computer and texting me the Charlton score throughout the match, at 1-0 down I turned to MH and said, "That's it now, we're gonna lose 4-0."
The Sheffield/ MK Dons match, was pretty dire, not as bad as some of the others that I have seen in the past there, but I guess it had to be better than being at Highbury!
I also got to see Ben Chorley, like I said he was someone I knew from school, but we mixed in different circles, me in the "loner/loser" group, and him in the "popular, lets tease, bully and make everyone else miserable" group.
So I was in two minds about going up to talk to him after the match.
But THe way I figured it was that, he probably didnt remember me, and he is a professional footballer, they get trained to be nice to people.
Well in most cases anyway.
But I was pretty nervous about it.
I waited while he talked to a couple of lads that he knew and a couple of times I saw him look over and give that sort of "I know you" nod.
Anyway, afterwards, I asked if he was the Ben I had known from GCSE Drama and he was and I said I was in your class but you probably dont know me.
But he did, and we did a little catch up and I wished him all the best in his career.
I was proper shaking afterwards, I guess some of those school memories will never go away, but He was really nice and I know its all sort of PR but I did get the feeling that he did acknowledge me as a person and I also got the feeling that if we had met under different circumstances like out of school, we would have been mates.
I know its all PR to him, but it did make me sad that we couldnt have been mates and that I allowed myself to have got so much grief at school and never stood up for myself.
Still it was like closing a chapter of my life, I am no longer afraid of those idiots and I can move on with my life.

Last night about 12:30 there was the sound of music from downstairs, it might have kept sompe people awake but I am a Olympic Champion sleeper, I would have slept through it.
Would.
I was listening to it, and part of it reminded me of Chili Pepper's "By the way." Then I wasn't sure if it was Feeder's "Buck Rogers."
So I got down and put my ear to the floor and then went and got a mug and put it to the floor.
The words remained inaudable. so the actual song remained a mystery which bugged me.
I recognised the next song as "Have a nice day" By the Steriophonics, and went to bed happy.
Now, I am being subjected to Prince's "Have you seen the Most beautiful girl in the world?" before it was Duran Duran's "Rio."
Aaaarrrggghhh.

*Trumpets blaring*
I have been doing my I.S - for the last 3 hours. I now have a grand total of 175 words, the majority of which say "refer to Fig 3.2 etc."
Still its 175 more words than I had this morning, Somewhere between here and London I have lost pictures of Soft Rush, Pendulous Sedge and Bur Reed.
It is possible that I forgot to take pictures of them......
Hmmm. A day trip out to a local pond may be in order at some point......
Tomorrow I'm going to see Wednesday play MK Dons. I have been getting a lot of stick from people on this and in the pub about it.
So I'd like to make the following points:

1 - I may be watching Wednesday, but I will be also focussed on us at the Libary and wishing I was there.
2 - I want Mk Dons to self combust, I can't wait for the day they go out of buisness.
3 - I am only going to see them as I knew one of the players from school.
4 - I would go and see the AFC Wimbledon, but:
4a. I don't know where it is.
4b. I'd get lost getting there.
5 - In a fight between Vieira and Lauren. I reckon Vieira would kick Lauren's ass and I'd put my entire student loan on it.
6 - S.P coming home? I've gotten quite good at screaming abuse at the TV screen on the rare occasions he pops up. Seems a shame to spoil that, it gets my stress levels down!
Oh wait. What's this?
Personally I think if he comes back, he should be made to apologise for his mistake in front of a crowded Valley at half time. He should also be made to walk back from Stamford Bridge to The Valley, possibly while naked, covered in tar and feathers and wearing a sandwich board saying "I am a tosser." in the middle of January when its snowing.
Then I'd be half way to forgiving him.

This has to be a joke, some sort of late April Fool.
I really cannot see this happening.