Granddad is still hanging in there. Peaks and troughs. Welshy was home for 24 hrs but then went to Wales for Christmas.
TMWMinW is here for Christmas which means my brother isn't. Lovely Christmas dinner listening to in-jokes about breasts and watching them fondle each other like 16 year olds.
Got some clothes and I don't mean to be ungrateful but the coat is kinda chavvy and I'm starting to feel a bit old for novelty cartoon tshirts. (when did that happen!?)
Also. The novelty cartoon tshirt is also an injoke between the two of them...... No idea even to begin expressing that in my head let alone on here.
Anyway. Work is going fine. I got paid and got commission on Christmas eve which was unexpected. I am also a little sad about how much I lost to tax and student loan and pension blah blah blah. Almost half the bonus!
Sad times.
Looking to start driving lessons when I get paid in January. Also toying with the idea of joining the gym. I have become slightly aware that spending 9 and a half hours sat still eating shit is making my clothes rather small.
We'll see on that front......... Laziness will undoubtedly strike.

My Granddad has been pretty poorly. His dementia came on suddenly and strongly, unlike my Nan's who is still happily demented in the care home in Charlton.
He was taken to QM in Sidcup over the summer, where he didn't do too well. Growing angry and attacking the nurses, trying to escape repeatedly.
Just under a month ago they moved him to QE where he was closer to Mum and home. There. I'm sorry to say they mistreated him, leaving him naked in his own faeces. Not feeding him properly, or not taking the time to feed him. He caught pneumonia and diarrhea.
He was moved back to QM this week and I went to see him for the first time in quite a shameful while.
I was shocked tbh. I was expecting poorlyness but he has completely lost the plot. He didn't know who we were. Just sitting in a chair, mumbling and nursing a ragdoll that he'd found from somewhere.
Sad. Sad. Sad. A shadow of the strong vibrant man I knew, even six months ago.
He is being moved to pallative care tomorrow and that means days, or weeks.

Went to see The Hobbit part two. Still lusting over Legolas, despite him being totally wooden and a shit actor. Two Orlando Blooms for my money acting terribly. It was better than I feared, although I can't fall for them the way I did with LOTR and Harry Potter, the way A Song of Ice and Fire is currently obsessing me (books, not the Game of Thrones series).
Rather odd elf/elf/dwarf love triangle going on which was totally unnecessary really. Still. It was ok in its own way.

So after making a total tit of myself and thinking the worst. It turns out to be a cyst.
Relief all round.

Went out drinking armed with only a cheeky packet of monster munch at 10am.
I got wankered. Someone asked how Mother was and then the whole sorry drama came spilling out. How rejected I feel. How hurt that she doesn't even want me at the doctors and wants TMWMinW instead.
How stupidly it makes me so sad the different way she treats him to Dad. How I am already prepared for the worst come Monday.
I cried to several people and ruined their nights. No one wants to be the one looking after the weeping drunk girl at parties.
AND at the end of it, I walked home alone and barefoot from Greeny at 1am and wasn't even drunk.
Up at 6.20 am to get to work boo.
Ho hum. Tomorrow is another day and They will be back.

Mother goes for her test on Monday. I am so not ready to do this again. Feeling rather down and miserable about it all tonight. Long, tiring day at work. Good though. In the midst of a 12 day stint. Going for cocktails tomorrow with them and then drinks with the nmm crew Friday before going to do a BLS weekend course.
I feel like getting smashed out of my face.

4 reasons why this might be the nicest Sunday ever.

1. Jumped (with some persuasion) my first 70cm jump. Yes it was messy and untidy but wheeee!
2. Mint matchmaker Mcflurry.
3. Hull beating Liverpool
4. I do love a good roast dinner.

Mother may have tit rot. I'm sure we all remember just how much fun it was when Dad got kidney rot.

Waiting further investigations before we start the whole fun over and over again.

This seems particularly sucky when you think that she's just about to start a whole new life with The Most Wonderful Man in the World (hereby after known as TMWMinW). 

Which as idiotic as she's acting over the situation, at least she's happier than I've seen her in a long time and things also looked like they were going to be working out for me. 

Still. She's thinking positive until tests reveal one way or another so I will do the same.

Fingers crossed people.

Still really enjoying work so far. I was told that I'm entitled to 3.5 days of leave so wisely using them to take half days for all Tuesdays and Fridays.
Work have agreed for me to leave at 5.30 on Tuesday which means a bit of a scamper but I can get to the yard for 7pm like I used to again.
I got paid yesterday! SO MUCH MONEY! I know its really crass to talk about how much you get paid but 1581 pounds! I've never earnt so much in my life! A ridiculous sum!
Cleared my overdraft and credit card bill and still left with a reasonable amount for the month. And once I pass probation I will be getting bonuses.
Mind. Blown.
So what will I do with all this money? Well the idea of a horse is still foremost in my mind although I am struggling with the idea of how I will find the time.
But priorities come first and that means finding a home for me, Welshy and the animals. So I will be saving for a deposit.
I am also thinking about the driving lessons again. I feel a car would come in handy when it comes to running about, saves so much time and effort hassling with buses and if the horse comes into play (see obsessed!) I can drive to the yard in 45 minutes rather than taking 90 as it currently does and long sits in the cold.
I also used it to go to a McTimoney session run by a lady at the yard. It was a rather odd session with lots of massage and strange slaps and flicks but for the first time in a long time I dont have any real aches in my shoulders and am waiting for Friday's ride to see if i'm level (apparently my pelvis and hips were wonky - which I could tell as my stirrups weren't level).
I enjoyed it though and it was nice to be able to afford something like that rather than desiring it and not being able to afford it or putting it off as a new coat or shoes were needed first.

Welshy is away again now and I might see him before Xmas, not sure yet. Mother wants to bring her bf over for christmas which would be awkward for all concerned. Glad I'll be at work for most of it.

Work is going well so far. So nice to be in an office where they appreciate my efforts and want to help. the long days suck though. Suck big. Fat. Donkey. Balls.
Leaving the house at 7. Getting home at 7. On Tuesdays I get to the office for 8 so I can leave at half past five in order to get to the yard at a sensible time, but still don't get home till 9 or 10.
I arranged for KOM my little boss to have an interview with my new place. She never turned up and never bothered to re-arrange despite texting me that she was feeling trapped and stressed. She ignored the guy calling to re-arrange and my text and now I find she has deleted me from Facebook.
I don't understand and it makes me a little sad but fuck it.
They are talking of ending my promotion early. Talk of me being a "good hire" of having the "potential to go to the top" They'll soon realise I have no idea about anything!!
I am thinking that if I did get promoted then I can ask to go and leave early. To leave at 5 or 5.30. I believe Alanis Morissette sang about this being so ironic. I can afford to buy my horse. I cannot afford the time to look after one.
I dunno. At the moment I am just very tired and hoping desperately that it will soon all fall into a decent routine. One that doesn't involve me crashing out on Saturdays and sleeping all afternoon.

Riding is going ok. I didn't ride the Tuesday and Friday of Fireworks Night (wisely - horse didn't appreciate the bangs)
And I jumped my first little course (or at least two jumps set out in different spaces) and my first double (two jumps two or three strides apart) on Sunday.
Good times.

Mother is back from Grotty tomorrow and Welshy is away again next Sunday.

I went white water rafting at the Olympic Venue in Lea - such good fun and me and E and P are off to give Ski-ing a go in a week or two.

Finally. Thoughts go out to Red Squirrel who's wife died from cancer this week. I miss his occasional presence here, although it seems many years since I had my collection of "regulars" they are often in my thoughts and facebook news feeds.

I had a very nice two weeks of gardening leave and last Monday I started new job. I'm really enjoying it so far. So much easier and nicer than where I was before.
This week I will be set up with my weekly "targets" so bit worried about hitting them. But it'll be cool :) Getting an assistant to help me with referencing (!) who will be working for my bonus! They want another compliance officer and I'm trying to get my friend from last job to come and work with me. Made a bit of a booboo calling her up at work though.

Only downside to this is the long hours. Work starts at 8.30 and finishes at 6pm. I get home at 7 and on Tuesdays I get to the yard at twenty to eight. URGH.
I ended up lunging and giving the horse the quickest muck out ever. Which left me feeling a bit guilty.
Gonna have to mention something to work to get there a little earlier. Its impossible at the moment to ride with that. A normal muck out is 40 minutes. Plus an hour riding. Plus an hour (or hour 20) to get home if I can't scab a lift.
Then the usual bath, dinner when I get home. Its just a bit too late.

But that's the only downside and I'm hoping I can work around this.

So I went to Dubai right?
I loved Dubai. I didn't think I would, the heat, the culture...
We went to Oman on a long drive to snorkel and saw dolphins. Went to the Atlantis Resort and rode terrifying rides that were amazing fun as well.
The malls were amazing. One had a SKI SLOPE FFS.
I spent 4 hours in one!? How!? We ate cheesecake (I so wish the cheesecake factory would open in London)  Welshy ate lobster.
We went out to the desert and rode Mr Sheila the gender confused camel and her devoted owner, went dune bashing, rode quadbikes and attempted sandboarding.
Lovely time and a lovely time with Welshy as well, especially after I ruined Croatia for us.

Anyway, came home horribly jetlagged Monday and went to work Tuesday. It was kinda awkward, I was being ignored, the new boss had taken over my candidates and as my notice expires in 2 weeks it seemed silly to throw myself back into them.
Rode Tuesday and V was the best she's ever been.
Went to work Wednesday and at 10am they told me they were sending me on "Gardening Leave" as "its clear your heart is not in it."
I assume they are judging this on my past behaviour? Although I'd actually been inspired since then as she was working hard to change how things were?
Bizarre.
Anyway. Went to have meeting with company B (The one that means long hours mentioned in last post) and it was all really productive and I just found out that they want me to start on the 28th!
Whoop! Bit nervous as they said honestly that they will get rid of someone if they have 3 months without progress. Hopefully that will keep me on my toes.
Long hours too. 8.30 till 6pm. Hoping once I start I can negotiage an earlier finish for riding.

But Seriously. 21k. I can start to save once again for a deposit. I can afford to keep a horse on that if I stay at home. I've never earnt so much in my life.

So Tuesday I got offered a new job right?
Wednesday I phoned up this agency that had offered me an interview and told them I wasn't interested. That I had a new job. I told them who it was with and that it was for 19k.
He spent all day Thursday trying to call me. I got annoyed and eventually took the call. I know its their job to be convincing, but my fuck, he could sell anything to anyone. He basically told me I had TWO companies fighting for me, that I could name my price and they'd beat what I've been offered.
So reluctantly I agreed to do it. One has offered me 21k plus a 200 pound bonus for getting 5 people fully compliant each month.
The other - and they are a MUCH MUCH larger company - like internationally big. They could train me to do basic life support courses. To take bloods (which sold the company to me completely)
They also offered me 21k and a bonus structure of a rolling £10 bonus for every doctor that I've out for work and ten pound per month for every month they work. So say I have 30 doctors that's 300? Right?
*math fail*

The bad side is that I'd be at work until 6. Although they possibly will be shrinking the hours to 5.30. I think they said they started at 8.30 though.....

Either way it'd be close to 7 by the time I get home. Not so down with that. I'm more taken though with that than any of the others simply because I want the pennies and to learn to stab people!
I'm wondering if its possible to ask them to have a 30 min lunch break instead of the hour so I can leave earlier.

On Friday she wanted me to call in sick so she could spend the day with him. I refused. She's walked him to the school gates every day. It would be pretty fucking obvious don'tcha think?
Anyway. To take revenge for this, she decided that they would go to a show. Which is fine except my Godfather was visiting and expected someone to be home to let him in. And she told me at 6.15. When I was halfway to the yard. I had to quickly muck out and return home so my poor Godfather wasn't sat on the doorstep.
Selfish.
Anyhow. Welshy is back now. Yay! Boy has committed to staying her - I fail to see how it would work. He is a messy cunt. We all know this. He is lazy and filthy.

On Sunday me and Welshy will go to Dubai! I am very excited! We plan on renting dune buggies and going a bit mental!!

And most excitingly of all, yesterday I was offered a new job!!!!!
The one in Bank so hellish commute, and its till 5.30 which is sad but 18k a year which means I'm not going to be so desperately poor come Feb! I will still be at the yard by 7 pm which is sad, especially now the nights are rapidly drawing in but hey ho! I am very excited. Hoping for the contract to arrive tomorrow so I can get my notice in before I go away.

Instead of being up at 6 as she usually is. She was still in bed when I left at 7.30.
empty bottle of wine and two glasses lying about.

clearly the only person in this house with an ounce of sense and dignity.

Christ today has been awkward.
The Boyfriend appeared this morning when I was getting ready for work. Clearly spent the night here and they snuck in after everyone had gone to bed. Avoiding my brother. Very Grown-up.
So awkward introductions over my peanut butter toast. Mother telling the story of how newpony booted me at the start of the year and apparently I'd put on my limp as there was no bruise at the time until a couple of days later and i wasn't limping the next day.
Because people like to walk around with buckling legs and pain that even codeine can't take away.

So yeah. Whatever.

After work we were going to tea together with Mother's friend D - who incidently shares my concerns. I hardly knew where to look.
Only once did I ever see her hold my Dad's hand, when he was sickest and hallucinating. Never did I see them kiss, or touch.
But they were holding hands, they kept hands on each other knees, there was kissing, and touching and all those little sickening moments between new couples.
And. Yes. I found it harder than I ever thought I would. I could barely look at them.He tried to patronise me with some silly question about what I'd say in an interview - He said his answer was perfectionism. I said that was generic and I'd talk about my Maths.
Not sure he liked that.
Way home and D told me to get her number off of Mum which made me suddenly feel sad and weepy - obviously I didn't show it.
On the way home and we were listening to his CD. I asked him who the biggest thing he'd recorded for was. He told me. I'd never heard of them. Told me the next people. I'd heard of them. Didn't like them.
He didn't like that.

Meant to be preparing for an interview tomorrow but tbh I feel really shaken and upset and I know its pathetic.

So the Mother Boyfriend situation continues.
Apparently she plans on moving in with him ASAP. Granddad is going into a home now (that sounds like she's forcing him to, she's not. The situation with him has deteriorated dramatically).
So I don't know where that leaves us. I cannot live with The Brat. I cannot live longterm hiding food and plates in my room, being forced to spend all my time in my room as I cannot bear the mess in the living room and also not wanting to tidy it up.
Where will I - we - go? We can only afford to stay at home if all three of us pay mother real rent and the bills.
She suggested moving into my Granddad's house. I'm not comfortable with that tbh. And it does not solve the problem of living with the boy except that the house is big enough to separate into two. And thats only if the other family members are down with it, and I can hardly see that being the case!!!
The other problem involves my aviary. Me and Welshy could possibly afford some scummy little flat even if it involves sharing with other people. Scummy little flats do not often include gardens.
It is not fair and simply not possible to move 14 birds that are used to being outside in a spacious aviary where they can fly, climb and play as naturally as possible into a cage.
Do Scummy flats include space for tortoises?
So options become even more limited...

I am worried about this. Selfishly worried about what will become of me and my pets. Worried as well that this is all so impulsive. Leaving her job, her home (she plans on renting it to strangers if we all move out), selling her car. Leaving her friends and family for a man she met a month ago. A "songwriter" in his 50's. She wrote to someone she knows "I've spoken to him every day since. I never thought I could feel like this again."

He is coming over next week. She wisely decided against letting him stay here, which I think would blow The Brat's mind and he's already struggling to deal with this - as am I. Lets not pretend.
One month ago and Dad was still all she wanted. His clothes still in the wardrobe. His slippers still by the radiator. 7 years and still mourned.
Now 1 month has passed and she's like a lovesick teenager and I have to bite my tongue least I am accused again of not supporting her, not wanting her to be happy.
And I do. I do want her to be happy. I guess I just assumed it wouldn't change anything for me. That it'd be someone in the UK and it could be a gradual process. This is all so rushed and quite frankly I fear her getting her heart broken and being left stranded, jobless and friendless and me again having to pick the pieces up.

I am also - selfishly - worried about being homeless and what will become of my pets.

Still. Went for an interview today, that will pay slightly more so if I get that, perhaps I'd be able to save a bit more and get some kind of deposit together for a flat for me and Welshy.

I forgot to mention. STF got married on Saturday. I was unable to go due to last minute change of plans. Funny but those guys that were once so close to me, are now like strangers and missing the wedding was sad, but at the end of the day left me rather unbothered.

Little Boss has handed in her notice and is going to another job that pays 8k a year more than we get for the same role. Work are being arses about making her work her entire notice.
They've also decided that we need a real compliance manager (not little boss who has been doing the job in all but name since January) and have hired Uber managers sister who has no experience in this field to learn from us how to do the job and manage us. I think that swung Little Boss's decision to go and who can blame her. I have another interview next Friday. I wish we both end up leaving! It will be hard with no one to support me any more.
I agreed to do two days a week starting at 8 and finishing at 4. Cunningly both on pony days. God I love, love, love that horse. I just jumped a 50 cm jump. Yes there was a bit of terror on my part but before this, back in April 20 cm was my limit.
I'm gonna spend a few weeks working on 45 and 50 cm jumps. Get my confidence up some more and then maybe go up again.
I went to a centre last week and watched some friends jump the 90 and 1m class, was a lovely venue with a bar and a cafe. They are doing dressage in October and its where bitchpony's owner competes. I'd like to go there and try and smash her, but it means hiring a horsebox so it'll all get expensive!

BIG BIG News. Mother has a boyfriend! Except she's not come out and said so directly. But lots of comments about how she spent a lot of time with him. She's gone out of the room to discuss it with her friends and she showed me a ridiculously sappy card he wrote to her, saying how much he can't wait to see her again.

Not sure how I feel about this. I obviously want her to be happy and not mope after Dad all the time. But it's weird you know? I hope he's not the kind to dick her about and can put up with her when she's not in holiday mode and she is how we know her to be.
I dunno. Such a strange feeling.

Last bank holiday before Christmas!
Huzzah! I do love this bank holiday lark.
I didn't do anything of note. I watched some repeats of the Show-jumping and dressage that had been on during the last week and have made a half-hearted attempt to tidy my room. Its not quite there but its a lot better than what it was. I have floor space!
The problem is that both me and Welshy have a lot of crap. And there is no space to put any of it. His clothes live in part of my wardrobe, in a drawer in the spare room, and on my floor.
Did some job hunting but obviously not a lot has been put out.
I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. So stressed. Please, please let the recruitment agency that contacted me Thursday get back in touch soon.

Riding tomorrow though. That's one positive about my coming week.

Not able to decide if I was better off at the museum or at my current job.
So.
New job pros.
No more weekend work.
Bank holidays
Being amazingly interview-worthy

Cons.
Worse wages than the museum.
No freedom to expand myself
No friends here.
Rubbish leave allowance

Museum pros.
The variety
friends.
creating mischief
being able to suppliment my wages by overtime
Not being interview-worthy
much holiday leave

Cons.
Rubbish money
no weekends/bank holidays

Irrelevent really! Will never go back to the museum and it will be a step backwards should I go. But oh dear oh dear!
They want me to manage 235 candidates. Seriously impossible without putting on some extra hours. Little boss is bottling out of asking them for a pay review and the pressure is getting bad.
Had man phone up about a role and was so shocked when I told him how little i'm on. Quick search on Reed shows I should be earning at least 5k more than I'm getting for this.
Hopefully he will come back with an interview for me.

Football got called off by rain today! Farcical! Never seen that before in 13 years of going!

Can you believe that I once blogged about my 21st birthday on here?
Well last week I "celebrated" my 30th. We had ummed and aaahed about where to go for ages and finally settled on Croatia. Bit of a let down considering I'd planned an epic South African trip but you know what can you do when people let you down? And Croatia looked - was  - really pretty.
Because we left it late we had limited hotel choices and this resulted in me booking a place where they hadn't cleaned it by the time we arrived at 10.30 in the evening and only cleaned twice in the week we were there.
Not that you could really class it as cleaning. Had requested a double bed, only to have two singles pushed together with an inch of wood in the middle. Which also gave me an awful stiff back.
But Hey! Enough complaining! People don't turn 30 every day! And Welshy was going to be going away at the end of the week until the end of September so we made the most of it.
 Zadar was pretty enough, lots of thinn narrow streets. Busier than we expected with Roman ruins and this awesome solar power disc thing that flashed different colours and a sea organ!
Disappointing in the choice of foods unless you are a big pizza fan.
We went to two different beaches and I taught Welshy how to snorkel and play with the fish. I met some awesome hairy crabs.
Went to a beautiful national park with waterfalls you can swim in and we found a sheltered area under the trees to use as a base.
And on the Monday I got an awful case of the blues and couldn't eat, couldn't leave the hotel. Was angry and snappy at an undeserving Welshy, told him I hated the place. I didn't.
Poor patient Welshy.

Back home now and as is the case every Summer the Brat is busy making the place disgusting. Flies are all over the kitchen where he has left food out to rot. I have cleaned two sides and hidden some plates and cutlery so I can eat.
I expect I will end up tidying it up before Mother gets back from her holiday but I'm fucked if I'll do it before.

Rode the Monday and Tuesday. Did some jumping and I need to learn to trust her a little more and let her take me to the jump rather than worrying she is rushing out of control.
The lady is getting someone else to cover some more days which makes me a bit sad. I liked our arrangement and I fear this means no shows to be fair to us both.

Had an interview Monday and am just waiting to hear back.

Life goes on much as it did before the big. 3-0.

Bit of a delayed report here.
On Saturday I went to a yard barbeque, they had hired a mechanical bull which was awesome fun. I scored two 25 second results on a very slippy saddle which beat some professional riders and I finished 6th out of 40 which I was dead chuffed about.
Up early on Sunday and we went to The Lizards wedding. Such a lovely day. She is beautiful and definately looked it that day, at a lovely little church and an after do at a lovely country home that I pretended was mine.
Unfortunately ended up sitting on a table with a bit of a chav couple who were boring, exulted in the fact that they had Tuesday off of work(!) and proceeded to drink their way through the four bottles of wine that were for the table to share!
Welshy obviously didn't like much of the food that was on offer and when it became apparent that he didn't want the cheesecake they asked for it.
Which annoyed me so I forced half of his down as well despite being rather full just because I felt it a bit rude to ask a stranger for their food.
Then we both went to the loo and came back to find that they had stolen Welshy's box with complimentary cupcake as well as taking their own and there was only one cake left.
Lovely people.

Managed to get Welshy up and dancing which is a shocker and we drank a lot and stole helium balloons in the hope of replicating "Up"
Back to the hotel late and Welshy fell out of bed in the night! Hahahaa!
Home again and I've had a sluggish week at work but tomorrow is my last day before we go to Croatia for my birthday!! Yay!

Apparently before my Mother went on holiday yesterday my brother convinced her that the rent money I'd left on the side for her was actually his rent money for her. Despite him having not given her rent for about 4 months of this year, she believed him not me.
I live with such lovely people!!!

Welshy is away again in Hamburg this time. Just the week, so will be home soon. One week. Then our holiday and he will be away for 6 weeks.
Mother is going "Home" tomorrow so that's her gone for a month. Leaving me with just the brat to deal with.
This time last year I'd been to see the dressage at the Olympics. Such a good day despite the misery of lack of jobness.

So it seems my mother wants to throw me out. That is an exaggeration, I'm not going anywhere in a hurry but yeah, she hinted at the other day that I should look for a council place (I don't qualify because of the year in Spain [although I can blag that one. Maybe?] and living in the Isle of Dogs in the last 5 years.)
She was talking about it again with Welshy yesterday apparently and yeah, she wants us all out so she can rent the house out and move to Lanzarote and live on the proceeds.
I don't know why but this makes me feel more rejected than anything else she has done. All those times I fretted about moving away or going on holiday because of the guilt trips she put on me about leaving her alone.
All the New Years Eve's I've spent at home watching tv alone after she goes to bed because she's not wanted to be alone.
All those times I've come home early or not gone on a night out because she's complained about being alone.
The times I've cried over being made to feel like an awful, ungrateful spoiled child and now I feel she wants me out. Wants me gone.
Incidentally I also learned that her password to everything on the computer is Brat's real name and DOB. Urgh.
She can't go anywhere until Granddad is in a home at least so I have some leeway. But now getting a real job that pays real money is more urgent than ever. She doesn't want me. She never has. I've never wanted to be here. Just sat it out as I can't afford to live anywhere and I've felt bad.
Not any more. Fuck her.

I went out with H2 and her kids to the Science Museum yesterday. Was awesome to see her, to play on the toys and her kids rather randomly seem to like me, despite only seeing me once a year!
Hacked Wonderhorse out today which went really well. No attempts to smush me against the road surface so that's always a win.
I love riding her and her happy whinny to see me, I love the yard. Friday we ended up sitting, drinking wine and eating pizza until late and next weekend there is a barbeque.
Lovely.

Urgh. Work has hired some new person to do half of our job. For 1 pound an hour more than we get. Which does work out at a couple of k at the end of the year.
Did enjoy the conversation about how it'd be hard to hire someone for that low..........

I need to get out. Too many shouty candidates and struggling to get stuff done with more and more pressure all the time.
Especially when you know you can get at least 4k a year more doing the same thing elsewhere.
Speaking of which I turned down a possible interview today doing my role for 20k a year. It was in Battersea so a 3hr commute on top of my working day.
No Ta.
I felt a bit bad about turning it down but No. No thanks.
I have done well though, I gotta keep telling myself that. 9 interviews since May and I've turned down two others because of location. That's loads better than this time last year.
Off to Croatia for my birthday. Pretty excited about that. And H2 and the kids are down this weekend. Not last as I confusingly thought.

Pony is going great. We're getting some contact together (albeit losing it almost immediately) and ventured over some jumps and did canter poles - which was ridiculously hard considering I do trot poles all the time!

So unsurprisingly I didn't get that job. I also didnt get the other one I was going for, which disappointed me slightly. 16k a year for a 4 day week? And I smashed their online test.
Went and did my dressage test in the radioactive sun. Not sure where I finished. I thought it was last, but the person who came 6th was only 8% better than me.
She was a bit too hot and bothered poor thing to play up much but we pranced about like a giraffe on acid which doesn't go down well.
H2 and the kids are visiting next weekend! Wheee!

why does blogger want me to give this a title? I've never titled my posts.

What a fucking mental day. I feel so drained! Went to my interview. Realised 3/4 of the way there that I'd left my passport at home as they requested I bring it.
Got to the nearest tube at 9. Great! I thought. Plenty of time to find it. (Been assured at most it was a 15 minute walk). Interview due at 9.30
Walked down road.
Turned out to be in wrong direction. Retraced my steps. Turned out to also be in the wrong direction. Retraced my steps back to the station.
Started heading in right direction. Now 15 minutes till interview.
Walked all the way down the road. Couldn't find any numbers as to know if I was going in the right direction. Realised at the end I was at 89. I needed 5.
Walked back to end of road. Couldn't see it.
9.20
Starting to get a bit fretty now.
Walked all the way back down the road and back again. I still can't see it. I asked someone in the newsagent. Couldn't help.
9.25.
Called them, described where I was. Got directions.
9.27. Nearly got ran over by one of Boris' bikes as I walked back down the road AGAIN.
A little distraught I asked a passerby. She didn't know.
9.30
Asked someone else for help. They and helpful passerby who had returned guided me to the door.
9.35.
I realised that i'd done preparation for the wrong university.
9.45. First question.
"So what do you know of our university."
"Erm.........."
I basically lied and said I'd lost my passport on the way, that's why I was so late. Not sure I did a win there! Will find out Friday. Not hopeful!

Went home via NMM and stopped to say hi to folk, walked back and stopped at cashpoint to get money out for my lesson. Somehow lost 10 quid walking home.

Tired and a little emotional, I had a nap.

Went Riding earlier than usual which was nice. Practised the test. I got dropped in canter once and told that I needed to make my shapes a bit bigger but also got "Bloody Brilliant." Yay Me.

After this I got a text from mum saying that I'd got a call from nationwide saying that I'm over drawn by 138 pounds. I think I must have not cancelled the isa payments from it properly.
Fixed now. Tired. Going to bed!

hello?

Interview tomorrow!
And another lined up for next week! Welshy is home (albeit in Wales currently) and I have my competition this Sunday.
Genuinely looking forward to my day off tomorrow. Interview should be over by 10.30. Go home via Greeny and pop into the NMM as I want to see the new exhibit. Chat to people, wander up to the ROG and say hi.
Home. Nap. Ride early.
What a good day! :)

My week at work has mainly consisted of realising that there's a zoo game I can play on facebook and impatiently waiting for the time to pass so I can afford to "buy" a penguin. Actually that's a lie. I haven't even reached penguin level yet :(
Had a practise for next Sunday. Went really well :) am slightly more confident about it all. New posh poncy long boots have arrived. Nearly time to start feeling like the typical horsey stereotype with long boots and white trousers.
Got a new interview! Wheee! and I gotta call someone back about the possibility of another, which I'll do tomorrow. Hopefully I can get it down on Tuesday afternoon as I booked the day off of work.
I REALLY want the job I have a confirmed interview for. Decent money, decent leave and it seems do-able.
Fingers crossed all.
I realised that I am much more employable now, I think I've had 4 interviews (including a second stage one). I had two people contact me, one telephone interview and this one on Tuesday and a possible tbc.
I'm sure that's more than I had in all the time I was unemployed last year!
Actually I had 5 in the 8 months. I was unemployed including a second stage one. So yeah. The two months I've been looking is already winning.
It'd be nice if I was in a new job by the time football season starts in August!!!

So! Signed up for scary dressage contest! I feel it'll go either of two ways. At F1 speed or donkey speed where I'm constantly nagging at her to "MOVE DAMMIT! BEND!!"
or. "WHOAH! WHOA!!!" With me hauling on her mouth to stop as we exit the arena.
Still We'll see how we get on!

Did some more job applications, rode a little. Not really done much. got a wee tripod so I'm taking the opportunity to film some of my riding so I can see what I need to improve on (on top of what I already know!)
Jumped today! Attempted my first one in canter and a two hole height upright. We're rapidly reaching the scary heights of two foot!

Scored 90% on my audit. Which I'm pleased about!
For the next one, I again have three people and two of them are already 100% and the other 90%. So shouldn't hopefully be too much work to get him all the way up there as well.
Horrid muggy and humid out at the moment. God I want a breeze. Supposed to be a storm tomorrow! Fingers crossed!

Preparing for another audit. Really taken my foot off the gas now! Just doing little bits and pieces. Had another agency contact me to see if I was interested in a role they have going, so we'll see what happens there.
Audit should mostly go ok. Two of my 3 are 95% plus compliant. The other is just hopeless!

Was invited for an interview next week. Decided against it Streatham is a commute into the city to come back out again in an upside down V shape.
Possibly will regret it, but I really can't be doing with a longer commute than I have now!
Had a bit of practise for the dressaging. God I'm already shitting myself about it.
Main things to focus on:
Correct bend.
Canter transitions. Our trot to canter is hugely improved but I do feel that perhaps she may go zipping off in a racehorse style! - Will need to work on canter fitness too just so she doesn't break on me.

I think I can scrape by with everything else. I'm fairly accurate, but I need to crack the above in order to get maximum marks and Christ knows we'll need it!

Sent off a mailshot to all, telling them lies about how they've been selected for NHS audit so need to get bits and pieces to me.
Seems to have worked judging by the amount of response I got back!

Day off today. Washed my bedding and replaced it. Put Dishwasher on and tidied up. Go Me. Then went to yard to muck out the horse for the owner.
She has the great (!) idea that that we should try dressage at the local yard. Yeah. Horse is very good at being on two legs when she gets excited. Gotta practise making my circles more bendy and working in a smaller area.
Also. And this is possibly ambitious. There is a 2ft max crossjump course in the same yard come September.  I'd love to give that a go. However my limit is 40cm, so I need to brave up and get a bit taller with the jumps!
And fitness! For us both!
We'll see! I think this dressage test will be interesting!
Back to work tomorrow!

So nice when I got to the yard. Horse was snoring away, felt a bit mean waking her up and sat with her for a while taking pictures until she chose to get up.

Bit sharp to ride, spooked a few times and unsettled me a little - serves me right for getting my phone out and holding the reins one-handed!

Popped another 40ish cm cross pole. Bless her, she was so good. Approaching it easily in trot and just sitting back enough for me to encourage her to jump it. Maybe brave pants will pop out next week and we'll try it in canter or even make a small upright (What is it about perception that makes a X-pole seem smaller than an upright at the same height?)

Off tomorrow due to work yesterday and will pop down lunchtime to muck her out for the owner and meet her as its been ages since I've seen her!

I think I'm having a bit of a crisis. I keep focussing on the small jump I did last Sunday. The way I panicked at the last moment, confused the horse and nearly fell off.
Adding to this the feeling of general incompetency compared to those who ride around me. God I can't even keep both feet in the stirrups at the moment!
Worlds worst rider, that's me.
Long, slow day at work, livened up by the fire alarm that was triggered somehow and buzzed for an hour, making it impossible to do anything.
Went to the anchor in hope for tea with mum, was nice except for being full of people having dull little lives and meals and being loud and obnoxious and many, many children.
Urgh.
I feel like I'm getting more anti-social. I dislike most people. I have a vague sense that somehow I'm both better and worse than all of them. Better in the fact I've been and done stuff they probably haven't. Worse in the fact that they have their own homes, lives. Not trapped in the whim of their parents.
Doesn't that make me a cunty type? Feeling superior in the fact that I've judged them already to have done nothing with their lives? That I've lived more exciting experiences that they would have - and I don't know these people. Perhaps they're lion tamers. Or professional sky-divers.
But I feel better than them.
But also worse cos I envy that they have their own homes. (except I don't know if they do or not).
Living your life judging other people is something I stopped doing a while back, realising that I've done some amazing things and that they balance out all the other shit around me.
But now suddenly I feel caught up in it again. Feeling inadequate. Unable to clear a 40cm jump without wetting myself. Being at home.
I think its the work environment I'm in now. At the NMM there were so many strange personalities, people with different hobbies, whether it was life drawing, making puppets, football, visiting English Heritage sites, crocheting. It didn't matter being a bit odd. We were ALL a bit odd and it was accepted and embraced.
Here I have little in common, with anyone. I don't really watch TV, I can't comprehend the lady that sighs and exclaims that she has no idea how she will catch up with all the tv she has on SkyPlus to watch.
I don't go to the gym, I don't know anything about popular culture. They roll their eyes rather pointedly when they ask me what I did at the weekend and I tell them I rode, or went to football, or watched Welshy play cricket.
The Polish girl sighs at me, tells me she doesn't know how to talk to me. Tells me she doesn't know any other person who is like me. Tells me I'd be pretty if I tried and I instantly feel 14 again and on the outskirts of school.
I don't like this feeling. I've never wanted to fit in, be like everyone else. I embrace my eccentricities (and God knows I have plenty). How can you feel superior and yet inferior at the same time?

was going to post. Nothing to post about. Another dull old day at work. Thinking about what to do on the Monday off. Might go see the Pompeii thingy

Mishmash sorta day. Somehow I'm achieving as much even though I've completely, completely switched off.
Not much longer though, running out of good people to get out of my system.
First rejection came back today. Better start getting used to it!
Wish I wasn't working this weekend, urgh. Lady I'm working with is rather quiet so it'll probably drag.
Thinking about how much I'm looking forward to kfc boneless bucket though (weekend treat)
Riding went well. Practised a dressage prelim run through. I'm hoping I can give myself a little jump again on Friday/Sunday.

So. Wedding invite of the year no2. STF. Firstly I'm very sad that the awesomely fun guy I knew Is settling down and spends evenings playing scrabble. At the wanky website and shit way he proposed.
and finally depressed that all of my fun friends are growing up and growing old!

Went for an interview today. Was pretty pointless, spent 20 minutes answering essay style questions. Then without even looking at them I was asked if I can answer a telephone and work a computer. I said yes so then they decided they would call me Monday about a possible second interview.
What a waste!
Rode today. Hacked out with another girl, first half all good until a pigeon flew into a tree and then there was lots of sideways cantering and she just got worse on the way home, including some bouncing on the spot, half rears and then slipping.
Was the slipping that scared me most! Eeek!

Welshy away Sunday for a month! Boo!

Buoyed by my experian credit success I decided to use their option available for a part-buy part rent.
Yeah, even with that and a guesstimate of being able to somehow scrap 4k together means I'm still not able to afford to move away.
Doomed I tells yer, doomed.

Plus side though. Applied for a job yesterday. Invited for interview on Friday, fingers crossed I can get the leave sorted out!
18 would make me feel a little more comfortable about the future but still wouldn't be enough!!!

Lovely happy lazy bank holiday. Had a long nap too! Watched and loved the programme about the queen's horses!
got a credit report from experian! Amazingly I scored as close to perfect as possible! 999 out of 1000. Should stand me in good stead should a miracle happen and I find the funds to move out of home!
boy wound me up. Was trying to watch kafka's the metamorphosis on sky arts but his running commentary of 'there's a man opening and shutting a pretend door.  Is he supposed to be getting on a train? Etc' annoyed the shit out of me and I ended up turning in on to some awful shit like storage wars and retreating upstairs where I'm now despairing and thinking sadly abput getting ready for work tomorrow!

Anticipated fallout from "certain" individuals who shall remain nameless but sound like the electricity company EDF failed which is good, still can't quite get my head around it all though.
Anyway, Riding was fab on Friday, even popped a few little jumps which was great for the confidence and had a good lunge session today. Built myself a training programme for the next two months so we'll see how we get on keeping that going!
It was The Lizard's hen do last night! We had to learn how to do the dances from Dirty Dancing, horribly self-conscious watching myself in the mirror, so focused on the hot teacher instead!
Went for nice meal, then to roller disco. All a bit awkward as the only person I knew was The Lizard and I had very little in common with her friends. I still maintain that females are so boring!
All they could talk about was their partners/children/jobs. I have so much more fun when I go out with boys! And I don't have to come across as an alkie as I'm drinking three or four more times than they are and not alternating drinks with water!
Roller Disco was ace. Lots of 80's music, and I whizzed about reasonably competently. I even managed to master turning (of a fashion!)

So. Today today two maniacs decided to go to Woolwich, and attempt to decapitate a soldier from the barracks. They then got shot by police.
wow.
Its so freaky, something like that happening so close.  Long term people know that I live 10 mins away. They know I signed on at the job centre at the end of that road.
Still utterly, utterly bemused!
Woolwich is a shithole lets not pretend otherwise but they tried hard to fix it after the riots and for the olympics but still! Mentalness!

Urgh. Some bastard cloned my debit card monday. Luckily the bank realised and stopped it before too much was lost but now I need to wait for a refund and a new card to get sorted.
cunts.

Another odd day. Last night I dreamt that it was my last day in school but as well as the people I had known then, there were friends from the museum as well.
I think I got my hopes too hyped up on leaving and now theres this awful anti climatic  feeling.

I don't know how to describe the way I'm feeling lately. Kinda nostalgic (over what?), waiting, anticipating. Last time I felt like this was when I knew 2011 was going to change my life and it did.

I'm having such lovely weekends lately, maybe its because of that? Fridays and Sundays being all horsey, Saturdays have had football interspersed, and yesterday I went to Paris on the early Eurostar to take Lolly for his first trip out of the country.
He had the time of his life. It was good though, we went to the Cathedral of Notre Dame and were dazzled by the most beautiful stained glass. Fuck Barca's La Sagreda Familia (Yeah I know it's spelt wrong but its too late for me to think of proper Spic spellings.) That is impressive from the outside, empty on the inside.
Notre Dame has amazing sculptures, amazing paintings inside, amazing treasures. Scared myself by how much I could decipher from the little Spanish I know, although I def missed lots of important bits I dound I could read the odd sentence which was pleasing.
Seeing the Crypt of Notre Dame and Roman era Paris ruins.
On to the Louvre, and seeing The Mona Lisa, The Raft of the Medusa, Napoleon Crossing The Alps, The Venus De Milo and all those amazing things you've read and seen so much about.
And then the best bit about taking Lolly away is that unlike Welshy when you reach the Effiel Tower and its an hour long queue and its raining is that he can easily be bullied into joining that queue.
Although unfortunately we only managed to get onto the second level before having to leave and race back to the station to come home.
Such a good day though and now its time to start looking for other jobs so we can move onwards and upwards.

Did good on the Audit. Whoop whoop. Looking like I'll do alright on the other one as well, two of my candidates are already 92% compliant and well the 3rd needs a bit of work!
Month to go though so plenty of time to work on it.
Didn't get the job which sucks, supposed to be looking today and updating my CV but I'm tired!
Such a busy week! Went out with Welshy yesterday and had a nice meal in Weatherspoons, went to an AMAZING bookshop which had a childrens version of Moby Dick - complete with knitted figures!
Basically it went:
Sailor.
Ship.
Captain.
Leg.
Mad.
Sails.
Whale.
Crash.
Sink.
Float.

I also got rather over excited about the fact they were selling the Willard Price adventure books! I had all but two of these as a child, I think they stopped selling them as its not politically correct to feature stories of animals being stolen from the wild to live in zoos or circuses.
But I now have a full collection - least I hope I do, will have to check that Mother hasn't disposed of them....

After we went to see 2001: A space odyssey.

I still have no idea what to make of the film.

Omg. I dont know what to think about what I just witnessed. Guy looks about 16, 17. Rocks up with little girl, looks about 10. Could be anywhere between there and 12. I assume its his sister. Until she stands between his legs and he starts fingering her.
well what do you do apart from the very british thing of stare resolutely ahead into the barclays bank ahead.
she clearly wasn't getting anything out of it either.
I feel so creeped out!

Yuck. Bit of a sluggish day at work. I suddenly fear that my consultant has fucked me over for this internal audit thing.
still! I'm gonna go to Paris for the day next week and super Welshy booked us a gligyt to Dubai in October! Yay!!

So yeah. I sent off 251 emails in a mailshot on Friday. Guess how many responses I got?

7. Three were from 100% compliant candidates.

stupid wankers. 

Amazingly I can now bog from my phone!! What a world I live in. I also apologise now for any future spelling mistakes.  I hate touchscreen! Hope you all had lovely weekends!
Sunday combined my two favourite things- football and ponies! Three things if you include lots of alcohol! Shame my day at wembley included wrexham losing which wasn't part of the script!
Busy day today! Cut the grass for mum, tidied the kitchen and living room after Brat left it revolting and tidied my room, which was hugely soothing and washed my bedding!
Back to work tomorrow.  Friday afternoon I sent out a snotty email threatening all my staff with severe career risking should they not respond. I really, really hope I have 1000 emails waiting for me and lots of returned post and that I ruined their weekend as they have spent time fretting. I'm a bitch! Lol!

I still have this little smile and glow inside me thinking about my ride yesterday, horse wasn't going well. Bit lethargic and behind the leg. Frustrating. Then my instructor suggested we try Canter Leg yield.
I was unsure. Basically, in leg yield, the horse is going sidewards like a crab.
OMG. I felt like Carl Hester, so much power and movement. It was magic, like flying. Super, super little horse.

Last game of the season today and good to sign off on a 4-1 win. Tomorrow Welshy, WelshyNo2 (they have the same name!!) and I go to Wembley to see Wrexham in the play off Conference final. Early start to get up and go clean pony out before hand.
And then Monday off!
Ha! On Friday I sent a mailshot out to my candidates threatening them with all sorts so am rather hopeful that I'll get masses of post and email when I go in Tuesday!
We have an internal audit in under a fortnight and then another one in June and July as the annual external one is booked for "Summer" rather vaguely.
So preparations are well under way!!

Had Monday off so me and Welshy went to the light show down at the South Bank, some of it was amazing. There was a strobe water fountainy thing and some pretty LED and another affect that made me slightly seasick!
Some were a bit naff, like one was a lightbulb in a room on its own. After I went to carphone warehouse and reluctantly upgraded my beloved blackberry for a galaxy and no buttons.

Riding again on Tuesday, I'm sure that hip exercise has worked fantastically. Bit nervous about thought of competing but it's all good.

Went for a job interview yesteday, had fire alarm during it! I think it went well so just a matter of waiting to see really!

Riding today, last game of Charlton's season tomorrow, then early ride and off with Welshy to Wembley for his team's playoff final and then a chilled Monday.

Fab times!

Yay Welshy came home! Rode today. Played with taking my left stirrup down two holes as since doing these hip loosening exercises its felt curled round, where as right leg is straighter.
I think it worked. Both legs hung looser and longer around the horse, although I'm not sure its perfect as I felt I was rising lower in the saddle and instead of the stirrup banging to the back of my leg it was not sitting on the ball of my foot. But that maybe a gripping issue on my part?
Practised trying to get our canter transitions fully accurate. I'm considering entering a mini dressage league so although I can get away in prelim as its "pick up canter between E and H" for example once you hit novice it becomes "pick up canter at E" and you only have a stride to work with rather than 6 or 7. She also has a tendency to run on a little and not return to trot all the time when I ask.

I may start a new blog to talk about all things "horse" I realise this may get rather boring and unfathomable - although I also realise people may think that about my life in general.

Blogging at work... Cos that's the way I roll and its MOTHERFUCKINGLY BORING!!!!!

I am making stuff up for my activity log today. On a bit of a high for my ride. So much fun and Welshy is home tonight!!

So. I have an interview. Well I have two interviews to be precise.
One is a telephone interview tomorrow at 12.15. Not sure how I'm gonna work that as my lunch break is 12.30. Will see if Little Boss has any ideas!

Also one on Thursday afternoon at 3pm. This is face to face. Both companies are based close together so would be good if I can get a face to face one about the same time.

Not sure what company I'd want to work for. Possibly the telephone one. But if either of them offer me a job I'd be very happy!!!

Mentioned to Mum that horselady suggested competitions. She said I probably wasn't good enough and couldn't afford them.

She's probably right on both counts!

Mega spending continues! Ate out after work - brought rather snazzy and sparkly new underwear that *may* have been more expensive than anticipated. Damn those shop people who lurk over you so you feel forced to buy.

Interview was ok. He's gonna put me forward for two medical compliance jobs both 19-20k. One educational compliance that I think I've seen on Reed in Ilford.
Not sure about where one of the medical compliance jobs is, but the other I know as they also have a blood testing centre that we use.

Riding good, good. Hopefully gonna hack out again Sunday, introduce poles next Tuesday. Proper jumps coming soon!!! Eeek!

Slow old day at work! I was knackered, weekend adventures catching up on me!!
I also discovered secure browse at work. Hurrah! I could get on to facebook et al before but felt guilty as it is monitored and i'm supposed to be working!
But. I feel its ok to ease off, convinced as I am that I'll be leaving soon, also I've got 60 odd people on 80% or more and I need to wait for things to come in the post, CRB's to arrive, interviews to be done. If I can get  more onto the 90% though I'd be happier.

In horse related news - been offered to take to competitions! Eeek and whee at same time. Scary biscuits!

ARGH. Spent so much more money than planned lately. 

Friday was an interesting day at work - Got headhunted again (whoop whoop!) and am going to interview Wednesday after work. Man was rather alarmed that I'd be chased by other people and shocked at how low my pay was!

Riding was a bit hit and miss that night. Horse kept jumping and being all skittery at a noise from one of the houses. Not sure if it was as she had a day off or if there was def something that freaked her out.

Saturday I met the lovely TDR before football and we had a few drinks before and after (funding his night out though!) we wandered into Greeny and met Babbs' who was celebrating his 30th with some of the other crew from work. When I first joined I'd go out with him, Lovely and Delgado a lot. Then I replaced them with TDR as main drinking buddy and then when he went the N M M C A S C crew joined so I had new male drinking buddies!

I do miss hanging out with them all! Anyway we had a few drinks (a lot) in The Yacht and then moved onto the Pelton Arms which we left close to 1am and as TDR had missed his last bus I ended up walking both of them to Babbs' home. 

It all got so flirty! Both boys competing and playing about. Lovely spending time with them though.

Got home at 2.15 and then woke up at 8.45 so I could get out to the marathon. So very tired! Good to go as always though! Off to see Horsey (who has been losing her Wonderhorse tag and feels like it could go completely after today!) Finally got to hack out, very over excited and bucking into canter on the main road when we were trying to have a sedate trot down it. A couple of other little explosions but I felt pretty secure when we were out on the fields ambling about on the buckle end of the rein and then suddenly a bit of a bronc and then back to being sedate and calm again.

A little trot through the woods turned into a bucking fit and a small rear (I'm not down with rears. SO SO much more dangerous than bucking with the risk that the horse may topple over and crush me and I know I can sit reasonably well a buck. No idea how to cope with a rearer.)

I tried to stay calm and relaxed but she was jigjogging a lot all the way home. Doesn't help that she (being thoroughbred) wants to race the others and trying to overtake all the time.

Started to apply for new jobs today. I said I'd leave it till May, when all the chaos at work got sorted. Well its more or less sorted now, so I figure that it'll take a couple of weeks for people to sift through CVs and get back to me, so its ok to start looking!
Also Idiot Northern has managed to get herself an interview for an admin role at 22k a year. So yeah. Charby's all down with that. So reluctantly fiddling with the CV and covering letter and starting all over again!
Can tell i'm being all optimistic! Currently looking for roles that pay an average of 20k! Some even 27k a year!

Went for a working lunch yesterday. Went well even with Idiot Northern suggesting completely seriously that I demonstrate strawpedo-ing!
God we spent ages worrying about what she'd come out with but it was good, thank God! Very chilled. Nice lunch at Zizzi, lovely lemon tart for afters and back to work with only an hour to go!
All days should be like that!

Another really good lesson. She praised me on what I was doing, told me she saw huge improvements between last week and this and even from the start to the end. Gotta keep it up. Determined to improve. My new goal now is not to piss about going to prelim dressage tests but to give Novice a crack.
First things first though - get the jumping under way. I'm happy doing the flatwork that i'm doing at the moment, its building towards the jumping. Perhaps after I could ask for a flatwork lesson - only if I change jobs so I can afford it! or to alternate in the weekly lesson.

Maybe May I'll see about if I can compete. I don't want to be a cunt though and its not my horse!

Today was such a slooooow day at work. My activity report showed over 40 items in it, but it just didn't feel like I'd done anything you know? TBH though a lot of it was calling people and leaving messages to see if they got the documents I spent ages posting out last week.
Wanted to get a bit ahead of myself for this business lunch tomorrow, whatever that entails.

Not only do I have current woes regarding this hen night/dirty dancing thing but P after having rejected my idea of South Africa wants to book to go to Sweden bear spotting. I'd been keen on this, except its a tour group with 8 other people so not down with that. Also (and I know animal spotting is all luck and chance) the possibility of spotting deer and squirrels also...... Well I spent four years fending off squirrels and Greeny park has fallow deer!

also close to 900 for four days is a lot. Especially when I'd budgeted 1600 for 10 days including safari and shark diving for South Africa.
She's really keen to book. I really don't wanna blow all that money on that when it could probably be done cheaper and without other people about (so anti-social!!)

How do I say no without seeming like a spoilt brat?

So The Lizard is having a hen do. I signed up to this reluctantly. Its in London and tbf apart from there being other people there, the idea of an 80's themed roller disco sounded exciting.
I deliberately ignored the call for names of people interested in going to a "dirty dancing" class which includes "that lift".
Didn't know what they meant. Vaguely thought it would include a trapeze. But didn't interest me at all.
Discovered today that my silence meant I'd been signed up for it. Eeek. Tried to google it. Probably should have put the safe search on first.... Poor eyes.
So I asked and I discovered its a film.
It sounded horrendous from the Wiki plot and then Welshy found me the footage of this dance thing and now I really don't wanna get involved.
Also. How rough does the girl in that look? And how much older is her bf in that? No wonder her parents didn't want them to get together (or so I gleamed from the plot on Wiki) Peado alert!!

Lady never got back re the other job... Been a funny week at work. Internet server down for most of it so very little I could do which I ended up getting pulled over.
We have a business lunch with Big Boss and Uber boss on Tuesday. I'm hoping I can subtly ask for more money. Subtle doesn't really come into Charby's vocab though!
Thursday I met TDR and a few others from the NMM for drinks after a friend/ ex work colleague died over Easter. Bless her, I shall miss her and her kindness.
Riding on Friday. Trying to work on the pointers given to me in my lesson about picking up more of a contact and I feel that at points perhaps it was coming though, she was relaxing into the contact and mouthing it nicely. Will be riding again tomorrow so can practise again although I'm hoping to be able to tag along on someone's hack. Bit bored of just endless circles!!
Ended on a bit of a poor note when she skidded to a halt and the motion propelled me up her neck and smacking my face on her ears because of spotting a dog.
Walked and trotted on after that but called it quits and I'm glad I did as the moment we got back into the stable the heavens opened and I got absolutely soaked in the two hours it took to finish my chores and get home and would have been an even later day should I have had to spend time drying her off after.
Still toying with the idea of entering a prelim dressage test in May and took a pic of an 80cm jump combination to inspire me to get cracking with that.

Very lazy day today, lots of napping and sitting in bed as it was chucking it down and it was cold and awful out.

Can't believe it was one year ago today that I had my last epic night out in Spain!!! What a crazy year its been!

Having a bad day today. Woke up and its grey AGAIN! A struggle to get out of bed knowing everything I have to do and fail to do. Geronimo's lamp had broken. Can't afford to replace it yet.
No bread as someone had finished the loaf and not replaced it. No breakfast. Brought a chicken pasta thing for dinner. It was disgusting. Too spicy.
Busy on the bus and tube. Couldn't get a seat.
Cracked on at work but ground to a halt by lunch time due to lack of internet. More tasks building up! More pressure on me to get things done and turned around.
Been talking to P about the possibility of going to South Africa since the New Year. Today she told me she didn't want to go.
I have no other friends who are a) commitment free, b) not trapped by the fear that their partners will leave them if they go away for a week, c) consider that holidays should be more than a week on a beach. In Tenerife.

Welshy talking about going to Bali. Its not gonna happen. Can't afford to. Need to cancel the week I booked off for San Adrian's fiesta.

I thought my lesson yesterday had gone well, but then I realised today that she was obviously lying. She doesn't want to tell me all the bad points to my riding and make me stop. Stop giving her money in the vain hope I'll improve.

I think I'll go to bed, I have nothing to eat or any plates to eat off of. Could do with losing a bit of weight by not eating anyway! Lol!

Unsurprisingly that place never got back to me re a possible new job.

Today started a little sluggishly, the lovely weekend sun had been replaced by cloud and it was hard to get out of bed but I eventually did so. Cold! Had to shut my window!

Internet was down at work which makes it hard to do anything and I was a little shocked to learn that I've got the fewest people compliant since Jan and have the fewest ready to go.

Still. I have 20 people on the 90+ marker and I got one done today, another waiting to get checked and am hoping to get a 3rd done this week, be even better if I can get a 4th!

Ended up doing a lot more than expected! 32 items on my activity report and then I had a phone call!

Yes Charby's been headhunted! Couldn't really reply until I was on my way home but a lady wants to forward my CV on to a company, that basically does the same thing I do, only for doctors.

We don't actually deal with that many doctors (I only have one on my books - who is a jerk!). But its pretty much the same principle, chasing and phoning all the time for work.

It'd be in Victoria which means commuting properly - boo!!! But is 18-20k dependent on experience so pays a hefty whack more than I'm on now!

I'd be happy with the 18k but would prefer (obviously) the 20k but all's good really! Just waiting to see what happens! Hopefully will speak tomorrow and we'll get a telephone interview done.

Not sure how I feel about it! I do love my job and all the little perks that come with it, but yeah. The money'd be good. Even- whisper it - own pony worthy. Although at the moment I'm really happy and enjoying the loan I've got going on! Jumping class tomorrow! Eeek!

What a brilliantly lovely Sunday. The Sun was shining. I made the adventurous option to sleep with a window open and it was lovely waking and feeling a gentle breeze on my face. Not as sunny as it was yesterday but still a lovely day.
Got up, had cheese on toast and watched Basil The Great Mouse Detective (one of Disney's underrated animated classics IMO) before heading to the yard.
Quickly shed my fleece jacket and mucked out in just a jumper, the wee girl I befriended offered to take me on a hack but I didn't go in the end, hopefully maybe next week.
I did some fast schooling work with her, Lots of canter work, I realised I grip with my legs in her canter so was trying to make a point of keeping them long and stretched out.
Played with doing 8 shapes and picking up canter in different parts of the school, even a flying change which didn't go well! My fault not hers.
Popped out a couple of trotting poles afterwards and just hopped over them. Arranged a jumping class on Tuesday. Starting from basics and moving on from there.
Came home about 4pm had a little nap and just played online. Not ready to go back to work tomorrow!!

I've done some juggling of my finances lately. I decided it was taking too long waiting to reach the 1k figure on my everyday account and moving tiny wee sums into my holiday account was silly.
So now I moved all the money in the holiday account into my normal account working on the theory that this makes it almost tantalisingly close to the 1k marker. And indeed, next weeks pay packet will move it into it, unless I somehow spend 200 in a week.
So. Next week should push me comfortably into the 1k marker and then I can move any excess that I've not spent in the following week into the holiday account (minus 50 that I shall leave to help cover the rent at the end of the month).
This. Should and I say should loosely, best laid plans and all that, mean that I should be able to move maybe close to a hundred a week into the holiday account and therefore raise the cash to get that up and running a lot sooner.

There's something so ridiculously comforting about having a decent amount of savings and the chance to be able to save more!!

So Welshy's off on his travels again. *Sigh* *notjealousatall* Visiting his friend in Gothenburg for the weekend and then another three week stint in Austria. At least we think its three weeks... They've not booked his flight home yet....

Works going ok, not really been in the mood to do it properly this week, still battling a bit of lurgy and my stomach bug so I guess that's not helping. Thinking more and more about moving on, actually counting down the days till May which is when I said I'd look.

Gotta get settled on it though, awful of me. I'm holding my team up.

Rode new horsey on Tuesday, arena's only small and there were three of us using it, bit too aware of personal space issues! Again tomorrow and on Sunday. I might go Monday to watch the flatwork clinic the YO runs before I decide if I want to join it or not. Absolutely desperate to get some jumping in. Not keen on others being in the school though and I need some lessons. Can't afford that as a private and I certainly am not up to the standard of joining in the clinics either, although maybe I'll go watch that one too next week.

Really feeling tired actually! Eye strain I think from work. Early night might be in order (despite curling up with Welshy for a 2 hr nap yesterday from work!!)

I know none of you care, but I've contracted dysentery. Please pray for my soul.

Went to see Horse. Horse is absolutely perfect. I even busted out a bit of dressage, some turn on the forehand and legyield. Gonna try and teach myself shoulder-in and flying changes (special trottyness Welshy!!)
She's so forgiving and tries to anticipate my requests. Practised going up and down the gears in trot and walk. Got a bit more used to her canter transitions. Still a bit forceful with my leg I think judging by the way her head flings about when we make the movement up a gear. She bounces off with a tb ooohm but settles down after two or three strides and then you need to remember to keep your leg on.
Did a little road hack after with a nice lady and her palomino cob. So happy with her. She was looky but not spooky and I'd much rather it was that combo! Plus first time she'd been hacked out for a while!
Gonna try and get a jumping class in. My aim is to be able to jump 80cm by the end of the summer.

Mother left to go to Grotty today, landed ok, not sure what happened as there were fire engines waiting for her upon landing! Still all is well.
We even have a real floor down in the hall and back room.Immense.

Bit of work done on the house today! Floorboards in the hallway! Only been... 7 years? Maybe longer.
No longer looking like the Weasley burrow today! Well until people trash it!
Went to football, bit disappointed that my favourite keeper Adam Bognan wasn't playing for Bolton. Did think it would be a long (snowy!!) day when we went 1-0 down after four minutes and 2-0 after 20!!
Eeep! But all ended well on 3-2 to us, after a penalty and two Bolton sending offs. One deserved. Other harsh? Will wait and see MOTD before I decide.

So yeah, I did call in sick on Tuesday, which I think was justified. It was kinda flu-like (and having had real flu I can justify saying that, unlike all those flu-fakers) achey, headaches, sleepy, snot like a hagfish. So gross.
Wednesday THE COUGH appeared. And is still resolutely here.
Oh and on Wednesday I decided to rectify the fact that my friend Lolly has never been out of the country by booking us both onto the eurostar to Paris in May for a day trip.
I think once he got over the shock, he was quite excited. Lolly is a really sweet guy so I'm glad.
Went into work on Thursday, coughed a fair bit, then met Welshy after work, had a cocktail and played Macdonalds Monopoly and then brought Crepes to eat on the way to meet his friends at Liverpool street. Except crepes are messy. Charby got the cinnamon/apple sauce thing ALL over her, down her coat, down her sleeves, on her glasses and face.
I was sticky.
So we started to drink with Welshy's friends who brought us all strawpedos. My strawpedo was going quite well, until I got a coughing fit near the end. Smirnoff Ice came out of my nose :(
I valiantly tried to hold it in my mouth while I choked but ended up spitting it all out :( More sticky for me.

Also... Night got rather odd later when Welshy's sex crazed friend tried to gross me out by getting his cock out. Oh silly, silly boy. I gingerly moved it, like moving a dead animal or poking it with a stick and then told him he should be ashamed to have got that out and all the nonsense about growing, not showing. Always, always gets a guy fretty. Not quite sure Welshy was down with that. But I was the winner.
Home on the night bus and stupidly overpriced disgusting kebab that somehow seemed completely right at 1am.

Went to meet the new horsey today. So nice to ride something that's responsive and educated! It was a little messy as I was a bit more forceful than needed and we even hopped a few jumps. Tiny ones but I looked a mess on them, wasn't expecting it to be so enthusiastic!

So, my Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays look to be busy playing with the lovely Vimto! The lady is quite nice, I think unlike the other lady she'll leave me too it pretty much. Happy days.

Welshy is at home now in Wales and I still have three days away from work! I really don't know what to do about all this bank holiday stuff! Crazy times!

God, I am dying! So very ill! Went with Welshy and E2 to Wembley to see Wrexham play Grimsby in the FA trophy final.
Wrexham really should have taken more of their chances and it ended up going to penalties, but all worked out well in the end. Had a few drinks after and then came home, suffering.
Struggled into work despite feeling like shit, came home and napped. Hoping that I might be able have a sicky tomorrow despite having so much work to do!

Welshy's home! Yay! Out visiting friends at the moment. I'm busy feeling like death. Supposed to be joining him and E2 at Wembley tomorrow but Ew do I feel bad!

Two new budgies have arrived! Pretty white and blue hen and green and yellow cock, if the weather ever improves I can put them out to join the others!

Welshy is home tomorrow! Hurrah!
The woman with the expensive horse got back to me! Hurrah!
I'm close to having 700 pounds in my account! Hurrah!

So what have I been up too? Dying mostly. Got a horrible lurgy which is causing all sorts of pain and coughing. Not the kind that disturbs your sleep - yet! but the awkward tickly throat is annoying and its starting to make my ribs ache.

Went out on Wednesday in a team bonding effort. I think it worked. We all had a nice time, nice meals. Demonstrated Strawpedoing which caused much admiration.

Got my hair cut yesterday! For the first time since oooh the London Riots. (Not counting my "do fingers grow back once they get cut off" adventure in Supercuts. 99% convinced not a single hair on my head got trimmed.

Why oh why is it so grotty still? We're clearly living through the last days of humanity as climate change takes over (hate the phrase global warming, so many idiots latching onto it)

Urk. Mopiness again. Partly done from Welshy's news that his father is forcing his mum to sell the house that she owns 90% of. That he's not paid a penny for, for the last 10 years. Seems horribly unfair to me.
I offered the 1k I've managed to scrape together in case it helps in some way, I wish I had the 4k that I once had.
I lost it in what September? October? Had I known that come November I'd have been employed again would I have struggled on a little longer?
Highly unlikely tbh, I was so low down to the end of the overdraft. But maybe I could have given up on Idiotpony sooner and saved the pennies there? But then Idiotpony was giving me my reason for living.
Still. I wish I could do more to help.

Talking of ponies and work, its 6 weeks countdown now until I start looking for a new position. Start of May we'll be going crazy. I don't want to leave, but what can you do? My department is going out for a meal and a drink tomorrow. Should be good.

Spoke to a woman yesterday about her horse (not pony! TBx! Going up in the world!) All sounded very promising, except for the price expected. She was supposed to text me today with the postcode. Hasn't. Maybe if I haven't heard anything tomorrow I should text asking? Don't wanna seem pushy though....

Gonna have to reign in the open hatred of The Brat, Mother is growing weary.. Also, although he is a brat. I'm starting to think he's 27 now and too old for such a nickname!

Well this is the dilemma! Possible new pony (well horse a good 8 inches taller than the last two ponies). Schoolmaster jumper, happy hacker, owner happy to let me mess about and not have to worry about teaching it anyway.

Downside? 50 quid a week...... That's a fair amount really! Even for three days of pony fun!

Comment after a stash of my post was found today, including the letter I needed to authorise my new ISA, the one I hadn't got and the account had been closed.

"Christ will you stop going on about him? Neither of you are perfect but he's a damn sight more perfect than you."

Sad times.

So said goodbye to NewPony on Thursday, now to look for a new beasty.
Went out with the NMM crew last night, good to see everyone and catch up.
Charlton were playing Millwall in the early kickoff which did not go well....... 2-0 in atrocious conditions.
Watched the Rugby and wished I was with Welshy to share in the joy of Wales 6 Nations win.

Tomorrow I have to tidy all the mess the Brat has made in the spare room, then try and fix the mess that he's made on the computer so that the printer works. Of course he's incapable of fixing whatever he broke and can't be expected to tidy up his mess.

"Why do you always have a go at him! You're just as much to blame as he is."

So yeah. Fucking fun Sunday for me lined up!!!

Also. Attempt to keep this up to date more seems to have paid off. I've already posted 44 times. Thats the same that I did in the WHOLE of 2011.
Admittedly this is because Welshy is away and I'm bored but still.. Small sense of achievement here.
Next step? To hit 60 posts.
This will DESTROY the 53 I managed in 2009. The 54 in 2010 and the 55 I managed last year.
Then to chase down the 70 in 2008 and 91 in 2007!

I had a wee chat with my little manager today. We had a office wide meeting yesterday and there was lots of thinly veiled critisism of what we're doing. Confusion about the back dated files we're trying to fix.
Little manager got upset. I stuck my oar in. Ignored though. Decided going in May is the right thing to do.
I'm not staying in a position where this kinda shit goes down and i'm paid at least 4k less than what I deserve for doing this role.
I was umming and ahhing about going right away but Little Manager doesnt want me to go, so I relented and told her I'd stay and help get things sorted.
But I gotta get my shit in order. I can save more now as tomorrow is my last day traipsing to Kent to see Newpony.
So. Setting up a new ISA. I got 357 in my holiday account. 100 in the new ISA. I can put the 20 a month I'm now saving into that ISA. So an extra 80 a month on top of that 80 for the foreseeable future.
Its not the amount I was hoping for, but fuck it. It's a start.

Well here's my dilemma. Had a bit of a google to see what I could find similar to what I do now. Found two jobs that pay at least 5k more than I'm on now.
Then I googled my job and it was advertised in May 2012 as starting salary of 7k more than I'm on now. How do I argue this? How do I say that I want that salary or at least close to it?
How long can I leave returning my contract to see if my wage goes up this week or even next week?

ARRGHHHH!!!!

Always, always setting myself up for crushing blows.Turns out my payrise wasn't my payrise after all, but a one off 100 pound bonus for being "employee of the month"! Hardly feel like I deserve it. I'm fairly useless in that place.
Turns out according to my new contract I'll not be getting a pay rise at all. So. Bang goes the dream of a pony or possibly moving away. Out.
Bang goes the possibility that I'd finally be earning OK money and not have to face E's scorn for being a "bad" saver as she sees it.
I will wait and see for a fortnight, just in case the money does change but I think my decision to move on in May has been made for me and that in itself makes me sad. I like my commute and its lack of people. I like the surprise treats in my office. I like being busy. But if I know my job is valued by other people as paying more than 7k than I am currently getting, it only makes sense to move on.
It would be good to be closer to home, it would be good to have less dicking about getting anywhere, although I do not want to travel with the hated commuters, nor pay more than the current 23 pound a week I do on travel already.
I like the people I work with and I feel I'd be letting them down if I go, but I think I need to. One fortnight. Just enough time to see if its not just an error. I think I'm better off staying till May so then I have a good solid 6 months experience. Must go!

So cold today! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Back from my hols! Loved Budapest, totally reccommend it for a short break, rode on a boat down the Danube, went to a 16th century Turkish bath for the day (inc massage!), learnt what duck with lavender and honey tastes like. Oh and tobacco ice cream and rosepetal sponge cake!
Tried an awful shot called unicum and then we got a sleeper train (not much sleeping down - totally put me off the transiberian railway idea!) to Krakow.
Again loved it, took a bit longer to get used to it than Budapest, Climbed up to Walwal castle and had two lovely meals in the restaurant. Made a harrowing journey to Auschwitz and went to one of the oldest universities where Copernicus himself studied. Found a lovely cocktail bar and had a great time before zooming on to Prague.
Found Prague a bit of a disappointment, lots of lads on "lad's weekends" and bit more expensive than the other places. Saw the Astronomical clock and had a good wander about. Ate pancakes and laughed when the man told Welshy rather firmly "No. No you cannot have bread and butter."
Another nice meal and more cocktails in the Old Square and then to the zoo, not sure I liked the zoo, lots of lovely animals but some doing rather disturbing repeating behaviours.
Lame Ocelot kitten and otter with no working back legs as well.

Home late on Saturday and today just lazing about, I got my payrise. Not as much as I was hoping, but still 6k more than I was on and 3k more than I've ever earnt before. I could get my pony now. Soon, although I'd struggle to then make any savings. Hard decision!

I also appear to be getting new birds! Two budgies to live in my aviary and possibly an African Grey parrot to live in the house. We'll see.

God I hate packing. I can never find anything, there's always the dilemma of what to take and what to leave (solution - only take hand luggage, if it doesn't go under Ryanair's 10kg limit, you probably don't need to take it. Always take extra socks though.)
Where to find your camera when its under all of Welshy's tat - why we need to keep two broken rucksacks is beyond me.
Getting wound up because people insist on buying you bollocks for your birthday or Christmas, its just fucking rude, I've been telling people I don't want owt for years, but yet they insist on ignoring my wishes and buying crap that I don't want nor need.
Anyway *deep breath* its done now. Passport, boarding pass, moneyx3, book, camera. Done.

Rode last night, put out the poles to help amuse Newpony, then Owner broke bombshell that they're moving and I can't come as its too far for a non-driver.
Back to looking for a new ride I guess then!

Internets didn't work at work today. Scary how much you rely on them, couldn't do anything without them, let alone file as you can't check that its been put on the computer system before you match it with its paper file.
We alphabetasised the CRB draw, just for shits and giggles.

So yeah. I'm staying at work! Hurrah! I chickened out of asking about wages/holidays though. I figure I'll find out soon enough once I get a new contract, it all starts from new on Friday anyway. Hoping to get a new contract sorted before then anyway.
Riding started well, she was really bustling along and then switched off completely, Pony club kicks and smacks with the stick didn't encourage her at all, but made her throw her head up in protest.
I may try and put some poles up for her tomorrow, I know she's only ridden 4 times a week, but she's a baby and all its been is schooling as I can't hack in the dark, she's had a week off but is probably bored of the school.
Not that I'm convinced I'd be allowed to hack her out....

Well tomorrow's the big day! Who know's what'll happen! At least I think I know what will happen, the big question is whether I'll get the hoped for money or whether I'll have to wait a bit longer.
OMG. The cutest thing on the penguin programme. Tallest Emperor chick standing up to the naughty chick-eating Petrol, stretching himself up tall and holding his wings/flippers out to protect the others behind him.
And then an Adelie penguin rocks up to the rescue.
I love penguins!

So. On behalf of the Mother coming home today, I super cleaned the kitchen, including the work tops and dining table (which hasn't been done since she was away in the Summer). I washed all the clothes, mopped the floor.
I then blitzed the living room, again cleaning all of the crap from the coffee table, making it so we have two usable sofas rather than one. I took all of The Brat's dirty socks out, and his plates and cups and hoovered and then I went upstairs and cleaned the bathroom.
It took me two hours to do. Did anyone notice and did I get any thanks when she got home. No. But! On the other hand KFC was purchased, so it all evens out I guess.
Watched the Chelsea - Citeh game and then the cup final - silently cheering on Bradford. Hopefully I'll be off to Wembley when Welshy gets back as his team has qualified for the FA trophy, so glory hunting ahoy!

I did a little tidying in my room but wasn't really in the mood after all the cleaning I've done elsewhere but it desperately needs doing.

I wrote a little today too, rather enjoyable. I've not written anything properly (unless you count this and a few half hearted essays for that equine course I did last year) since my first year at the NMM when I wrote a rather ridiculous murder mystery story in the QH.
I used to create stories in my head but I kinda miss having the imagination to do that and the time actually. When I was younger, lonely and friendless, I made up so many stories! Hundreds and thousands! In primary school and secondary, walking the playing fields endlessly in my head, creating undoubtedly dreadful versions of Lassie Come Home or something else. I don't remember feeling lonely then. I had my stories to keep me entertained. I remember laughing at something I'd created in my head and thinking "well if I can amuse myself, then who needs friends?"
Poor lonely little Charby!
I wish I had the time and imagination to do so again, and the skill. I realised I didn't have the talent to be an author so it kinda died a little.
The last stories died inside me a few years ago, but I enjoyed revisiting that game again today.

I so wanted a drink on Thursday but then when Friday rocked up I just didn't fancy it and today its so, so, so, so cold I really don't want to go to football. I have so many layers on its tricky to do my jeans up and my feet hurt in trainers as my toes are so crumpled!
There was a little snow flurry this morn which raised my hopes but its gone again now. It didn't settle either. So annoyed. It was lovely at the start of this week I thought I'd be able to go get some plants for Geronimo and get them in the ground. Now I think its too cold for that and possibly too early for pansies

 *makes mental note to google later*

I want to go out and get pissed tomorrow. Sudden urge! Will make do with being good.
There was a mouse in my office today. Never in your life would you have seen such a drama! Everyone on their chairs screaming.
I'm so used to seeing them at the yard and in my aviary, I wasn't fussed at all, and had to go searching for it. And then I had to search everyone's handbags in case it had got in there. Despite me saying I'd seen it disappear under the floorboards.
It came back an hour or so later and I helped catch it so it could be taken outside.
Ridiculous!

Mother has disappeared for a few days hurrah! I feel its def time from a break from her. And then next Sat I'll be away and not long after that she'll be away for Easter.
TBF she did bring home Churros and Chinese sponge cakes home yesterday.

So yeah. No pony today or Thursday as I can't be trusted to be there unsupervised. Apparently.
Never mind, could do with saving pennies.

Anyway. Got on tube and the scruffy, dreadlocked guy smiled at me and I smiled back and pulled out my book. I'm currently reading a book I picked up on the free book stand this morning at Stratford. Its Farewell to Arms by Ernest Hemingway, I'm trying to get into him because of the Spanish and Pamplona connections.
This is about his experiences in an Italian ambulance unit in WW1.
"Huh." Dreadlocks said. "I figured you're too pretty to be reading that?"
I put my book down. "What do you mean?" Not sure if I should take that as a compliment or insult.
"Well. Figured you'd be a 50 shades of Grey girl."
Definitely an insult then!

Another day, another critisism from The Mother about how little I do to help. And fuck it, I wish it didn't have the power to hurt as much as it does still. How much I realise I just pathetically want her to like me, to like her.
I tried to write a letter to her one friend today, because I can no longer have the strength to deal with it. It turned into a rant.

Dear J.

I don’t know if I’ll have the courage to send this. I know I’m not brave enough to talk or speak about this. I feel like some pathetic 14 year old brat rather than a grown woman who will be 30 this year. But I need to speak to someone and I don’t know who else would do.

My mother needs help. Do not worry, it is not financial or physical or anything like that, but I am genuinely concerned and I no longer have the strength to deal with this myself.

It is so difficult to know where to begin, I feel like it’s been happening forever and I think it has. I have spent my whole life trying to help and please her and I haven’t.

It is very difficult to grow up when you have a brother like Brat, my mother likes to talk – I’m sure you’ve heard – of how everyone in Kidbrooke Park knew him, and I passed silently under the radar, how I would be summoned away when doctors and specialists came, how he was made to feel extra special when he went to Greenacres. And it is especially hard when you’re still of school age and you hear your mother talk about how if she had had him first she would never had, had a second. Now I am old enough to realise how she means that his problems took up so much of her time, how she had to fight for him, but then when I was a child I believed it meant she didn’t care much for me.

Always, always Brat. My grandparents. My dad’s family, they would bring him presents all the time. I remember, in the flat we lived in a long time ago, in our old house and always being told that “Oh they’ll bring you something next week” and then I don’t remember if I was told to stop asking or I learnt that it was pointless to ask.

Always, always Brat,. Always made to feel second best to him. I could list many examples from growing up and I do genuinely believe she doesn’t realise how she made me feel.

Going on to secondary school, I was bullied too. I just never made a fuss about it as Brat did. I accepted the kicks, the stealing of my possessions, the endless, relentless name calling and mental torture. I could deal with it, It was my fault for being different. I knew that, for loving animals, for not having friends, for not knowing how to interact with people. Socially awkward. But Brat was fragile. IS fragile. He needs looking after, must be defended.

The one day, not long after we moved here. The one time I ever tried to explain how miserable I was. I was helping to paint my room. My Dad was preparing to go out. It was a Saturday during the summer. The first of my a-levels. I was wearing a blue tshirt and jeans. Stupid the way it is fixed on my memory.

“Oh, stop complaining. Your life is worthless anyway.”

Do you believe my mother said anything like that? Do you think perhaps I mis-interpreted something?

I wrote it in my diary once the tears had stopped. So hard to hear something like that from my own Mum.

I have tried so hard to please her, to please my dad, and it is so confusing for me. Sometimes to try and befriend her I would go with her to your house. To Sharon’s house. To try and talk to her, to understand more about what made her tick. And I would go because I had no friends except my books.

I know they are proud that I went to uni. At least I think they are. I remember sitting in our car outside my Grandparent’s house and my mother trying to talk me out of going to university.

I was desperate to go. I was so miserable. I don’t think anyone knows how miserable I was, how difficult I found it to get up in the mornings, how I dreaded going to school but yet I dreaded weekends. How I couldn’t sleep, how I couldn’t concentrate. How the teachers in my 6^th form mocked me openly, to get cheap giggles from the rest of the class, to appear “cool”. The classes I skipped when I simply couldn’t bear it any more.

And then at home. I was doing the washing and cleaning for everyone, I hoovered, I cleaned the bath, I folded socks and cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. And it hurts as I do this all today, for her. And he does nothing. He leaves his plates lying about and I am told it is my responsibility to tidy after him.

I am expected to clean and cook for him when she is not there and if I do not do as he says, how he will lash out at me, hitting, punching, kicking and screaming.

All this when I was 16/17. All this going back years. Always, looking after Brat, because it is not fair that he is not like normal people. That he needs help.

Irrelevant.

Dad was getting sick as we know. I would face all this and then walk home. Slowly. Always slowly and I would wonder what I would do if he was not up when I got home. Who I would call first. Mother? An ambulance? You? His parents?

Sometimes I would creep into his room and watch to see if he was still breathing.

Perhaps it’s not unsurprising that I failed my a-levels. I could, should have worked harder, but I am weak. I crumbled under it all, I tried to look after him, I tried to look after her, I tried to look after Brat, I had his paper round to do while he was at school and wanted to save for a Playstation and I let my own studies suffer.

 So she tried to talk me out of going, perhaps reasonably after my a-level results. But I was determined to go! To make a life for myself, to be able to go out without someone asking where I was going, who I was going with. To be normal and make friends.

And I went, and I was so happy. I made friends! I went out! And yet I was not free, called every morning, afternoon and evening. The panic when I accidently unplugged my phone, the way the housekeeper came to find me laughing with it all, saying they were coming to Derby. To look in hospitals after 24 hrs with no contact, how they had called the police. 18 years old, living 100+ miles away and yet still as if I was at home and had gone out without telling them.

So confusing. On one hand she smothers me, even now. Needing to know what I am doing at al hours. Who I am with. When I will be going home. On the other hand sarky comments about how useless I am. If I was failing my classes. And the comments that still hurt nowadays.

Counting down the days until I could go back to Derby and be me again.

I was offered a job you know, when I went back that last time. After we found out about Dad. And I knew I could not take it.

So I went home and I helped look after Dad, I helped look after Brat, I helped look after the house  and I helped look after Mum. Or at least I thought I was. Instead there was more guilt. Guilt that I wasn’t doing enough, guilt that she lashed out at me because she was angry and frightened and I have always been there when she needs someone to be cross with. I would fold the clothes wrong, I would forget to hoover or wipe the sides down. I would go out occasionally and she could not go out. And she would shout and tell me how useless I was and I would silently agree.

How many times I cried? How many times in that year did I silently promise to be a better daughter, to help more. I left my friends, the boy I was seeing, the chance – the only real chance I’ve had of doing a job I’d love, to help out, to be there for everyone and instead I was hindering, messing that up as well.

I did the things Brat should have done, but Brat needed looking after too. He couldn’t/wouldn’t sit with Dad, wouldn’t take him out in the wheelchair. I wasn’t physically strong enough! The times I nearly knocked him out off it! I would ask and he would grunt and go out.

His rage grew, to the moody and sullen person he is today. He is someone else who needs help.

I fretted in those nights about what would happen when he died, how on Earth I could look after everyone, the way Dad asked me too.

And when it did, it was me who sat with Mother and Dad’s body. It was me who helped organise the funeral, it was me who did the calling when Mother felt unable.

And at the funeral. I always find it strange looking back, how surreal it was, The boy in tears, Mother needed me but I didn’t know what to say, so I linked arms with her.

I looked after her. She says we both did, but he never. He never discussed anything with her, never sat with her. It was me, me and my stupid need to be liked by her.

And then she went into hospital and it was me who re-arranged shifts to see her, me who struggled down to Sainsbury’s on the bus and back again to do the shopping (the one time he took me in the car, he threw a strop and left me to pay for 50 pounds worth of shopping alone and take it home).

I have always put her first, I have turned down nights out for her, Welshy – bless him, realises that I need to make her happy, before I make him happy, that I had to hide him from her for a year, how when I told her about him, she refused to have anything to do with him. To meet him. All the snide comments and awful things, about how I’d rather have sex than go out to Lakeside with her, how I’d rather spend time with him than her, how she feels unwanted now I have him, but I need him. He makes me feel normal, he does not put judgement or make me feel guilt like she does.

 I have done things that I really do not want to do for her. I still cook, and clean and tidy for her. And he does nothing. And this is what really hurts J. Because I hear her. I hear her talking to you, to Debbie, to B and B about how wonderful Brat is, how much he is looking after her. Or alternatively how we do nothing to help. And I wish it didn’t hurt but it does. I still run around taking her to places, inviting her out, spending my money on things that she’d like, that I have no interest in, going on holiday with her, because she makes/made me feel guilt that she has no one to take out.

And I still cry, because I cannot make her happy. She comments on Facebook about how she is having meals for one because I have gone out, she tells me that if I moved out she cannot afford to live here, that she’d have to sell Dad’s house, that she’d need to take a second job, get a lodger in.

So much guilt for wanting to be normal. I am the only one of my friends who is still living at home at the age of 29. I have guilt because I want to go away and never, ever speak to her again. Guilt because I cannot do that. Because she has no one else. Because she needs me to be cross about, to scream and shout at. To tell me I’m useless, to throw my clothes into the garden because I’ve failed to fold up her clothes as she particularly wants them.

And The Boy. The boy does not pay as much rent as I do, as he has a car to run, despite earning more than I do. I gave her money for the leccy bill and he never as he had to buy a new bike for some reason.

But yet, he is the one she talks about on Facebook, how he gave her some money to get a new boiler, I gave her over a thousand pounds for that and the only reason I couldn’t give more, was because it was locked in an ISA. And why should I have to justify it?

It is always Brat she talks about, how he looked after her. How he still looks after her. He can barely sit in the same room as her, he does not eat with his knife and fork, if he lowers himself to eat with us. He has the manners of a pig, but it is acceptable and it is because he is Brat and this should not turn into a rant against him. I want to portray things at home fairly. It is not his fault, he is not like normal people and he needs to be looked after, it is not his fault that he is always angry because he cannot get a job he would like, and because he too, is still not recovered from Dad. I need, must, remember this and be tolerant. But it is OH, oh so hard when he hurts me, and when he rather childishly covered all the plates, and bowls and kitchen surfaces in tomato ketchup last summer because I did not clean up his dinner plate from the night before. That was my fault and I will try to be a better sister and not anger him.

I realised a long time ago that my Mother is ill. She needs help, she needs counselling in some way, I am oh so tired of trying to make her happy, and so tired of the guilt when I fail (as recently as New Year’s Day when I chose to go to football instead of sit at home, in silence with her).

And I wish it didn’t hurt so much when she tells people how useless I am, how in her moments of judgement she deems me as bad as Brat, how I do nothing to help about the house. I could, I should do more and perhaps you will read this and agree with her, and this is why I may never send this, because I am too afraid you will say it is the ramblings of a spoilt brat – as she often accuses me – that I need to be more tolerant and patient with her, that she has been through a lot.

But surely I am right to be angry when she goes through the possessions in my room, how she helps herself to my clothes, how she’ll even sleep in my room during the day. Again she does not realise that I am 30 and surely entitled to a little bit of space? I get cross how she talks to me as if I was one of her children at nursery, I – as awful as it is – couldn’t care less about who has been awful to her, what kid did what. But I smile and feign interest and then watch some godawful TV with her, just so she is not alone. Because she has been through a lot and needs looking after.

I have been through a lot too J.

I feel better for having written this, perhaps I needed to get it out of my system and realise it is me and that I need to be a better human, to be more tolerant but I genuinely think she is ill and she needs help of some sort.