I think I'm having a bit of a crisis. I keep focussing on the small jump I did last Sunday. The way I panicked at the last moment, confused the horse and nearly fell off.
Adding to this the feeling of general incompetency compared to those who ride around me. God I can't even keep both feet in the stirrups at the moment!
Worlds worst rider, that's me.
Long, slow day at work, livened up by the fire alarm that was triggered somehow and buzzed for an hour, making it impossible to do anything.
Went to the anchor in hope for tea with mum, was nice except for being full of people having dull little lives and meals and being loud and obnoxious and many, many children.
Urgh.
I feel like I'm getting more anti-social. I dislike most people. I have a vague sense that somehow I'm both better and worse than all of them. Better in the fact I've been and done stuff they probably haven't. Worse in the fact that they have their own homes, lives. Not trapped in the whim of their parents.
Doesn't that make me a cunty type? Feeling superior in the fact that I've judged them already to have done nothing with their lives? That I've lived more exciting experiences that they would have - and I don't know these people. Perhaps they're lion tamers. Or professional sky-divers.
But I feel better than them.
But also worse cos I envy that they have their own homes. (except I don't know if they do or not).
Living your life judging other people is something I stopped doing a while back, realising that I've done some amazing things and that they balance out all the other shit around me.
But now suddenly I feel caught up in it again. Feeling inadequate. Unable to clear a 40cm jump without wetting myself. Being at home.
I think its the work environment I'm in now. At the NMM there were so many strange personalities, people with different hobbies, whether it was life drawing, making puppets, football, visiting English Heritage sites, crocheting. It didn't matter being a bit odd. We were ALL a bit odd and it was accepted and embraced.
Here I have little in common, with anyone. I don't really watch TV, I can't comprehend the lady that sighs and exclaims that she has no idea how she will catch up with all the tv she has on SkyPlus to watch.
I don't go to the gym, I don't know anything about popular culture. They roll their eyes rather pointedly when they ask me what I did at the weekend and I tell them I rode, or went to football, or watched Welshy play cricket.
The Polish girl sighs at me, tells me she doesn't know how to talk to me. Tells me she doesn't know any other person who is like me. Tells me I'd be pretty if I tried and I instantly feel 14 again and on the outskirts of school.
I don't like this feeling. I've never wanted to fit in, be like everyone else. I embrace my eccentricities (and God knows I have plenty). How can you feel superior and yet inferior at the same time?