School.
When I go on my driving lessons. I often go past my school and I cringe.
I've never really spoken of it on here yet, but I was as miserable as shit.
"Childhood: The happiest years of your life?"
Anyone ever DARES say that to me and I'll deck them.
Bad enough that I spent most of my home life, convinced that I was the reason that my parents fought, that I was convinced from what I'd overheard that they wished I wasn't there and only my brother was or living in fear that we'd be evicted as we couldn't afford the rent, - I saw a programme about that once and the memory stuck.
I had a happy enough Primary school. Surprisingly for those who know me. I played with girls, did normal things, Had, London's Burning, Bulldog, played with whatever toy was "in".
Then in the second to last year, it all changed.
Instead of playing, they chose to sit around talking about clothes and music and boys they fancied.
It was as boring as hell so I went away from the group and either played with the boys or on my own.
More often than not. I'd wander the playground making up little stories in my head, alone but not really feeling alone.
By the time I went to secondary school, I had no friends and no one who wanted to talk or play or stay in contact with me.
I didn't care.
New School, new start right?
Nope.
All these girls were interested in was the same thing, I wasn't, so I went to talk to the lads, I knew my football, even though this was years before I got my season Ticket and I had boy mates at home.
I liked the same things they did and I was fairly confident that they'd be ok.
Nope.
The horror when I DARED correct one of them on the squad of the '93 England team.
Didn't help either that I'd spent the last year and a half alone and had found it hard to learn to talk to people again, and I was and still am terribly shy around new people.
I still wait for people to notice me and come and talk to me.
There's three groups of people at school.
The Trendies/chavs/sheep. I was clearly not one of them, even though I was dressed exactly the same as I wasn't interested in the same things I was excluded.
I wasn't a Goth or a rocker, I saw the strangeness of wanting to be an individual but yet still fitting in with some kind of conformity.
I was a Loser.
I remember a teacher that told me no wonder everyone thought I was strange, that I should be like the others.
The other people at school got divided into three groups too.
Those who as far as they were concerned, I didn't exist, They'd walk past me, or into me, and not apologise, I'd be last picked for sports, I love watching sports but can't do any of it. I'm too unccordinated.
Believe me, when you're 13 or 14 and shivering and the only person left when it comes for teams to play Rounders, or hockey, its not much fun to hear:
"I don't want HER!"
"Well she's the only one left, you've gotta have her."
"But she's crap, Can't we just play with one less?"
Admittedly I didn't help, by this stage I was so deep into my "what's the point of even trying to fit in?" stage that I didn't even make the effort to miss the ball, or fumble easy catches that a blind person could do, I'd sit and refuse to move and quickly learnt that as long as I didn't disrupt the lesson the PE teachers didnt care.
Then there was the other group, the ones that deliberately set out to make my life hell, for daring to be different, and not liking "the norm".
This would range from being kicked as I was passed in the corridor, to general abuse scribbled on toliet doors.
Then there was the other Losers, mostly lads, who accepted me, some were worse Losers than me - Even with them there was categories!
GT was one of them and if I hadn't had had him I probably would have topped myself.
Somehow I made it through school, Hell I even enjoyed my last GCSE year.
Somehow the invisible stamp of Loser, was visible to all the school and I remember being followed by year 8's barking at me, I never understood exactly why.
Maybe it was 'cos I was different. I hung with lads, I never bothered to change my hairstyle or make an effort to jazz up my uniform or hung with the girls or the Trendy group, and I rode horses.
It was fair enough, but I never understood how these people that I didn't even know could judge me.
2,000+ pupils in my school and when probably 1,996 of them get at you, making comments, its hard.
And believe me, they all got at me, even now I'm afraid to go into Eltham as many of them are still there.
Me and GT started to spend time in the Libary, this was cos A - it was warmer in winter and they had computers to play on.
B - it was safer. Less people to find you, to have balls "accidentally" kicked at you.
But it was more reason for them all to tease and abuse us.
It only really got hard when I came into the 6th form.
I was 16 at the time and chose to do Biology and English Literature.
Surely by now the kids will be old enough to be nice?
I was wrong again.
They pretended I wasn't there.
I'd sit at a desk and they'd get up and move, So I'd sit at the front and feel hate rays in my back.
Coursework and display work was no fun.
"Charby. Are you on your own again?" The teacher would sigh and I'd hear the little giggles.
"Right go join this group or we'll split you lot up and you can work with her."
I'm not sure what's worse, only being given tasks like washing test tubes or the hate that would come at you for DARING to be with them, lowering their Trendiness or splitting Friendships up.
Or the best was when I forgot my textbook, I was sitting at the front desk on my own.
"who's going to share?"
No one moved.
"Some one has to share."
Someone stormed up, threw a book on the end of my desk and stormed back again
In the end when It came to display work I'd bunk, perhaps I should have made more of an effort, but when you've been rejected and bullied everytime you made a previous effort, you don't really wanna put yourself up for more ridicule.
In an "Ideal World" Flash. This would have been noted and maybe efforts would have been made to find out why I was so miserable, but no one cared, I never caused any trouble and if I did my work and kept my head down, the teachers barely noticed or cared if I was there.
The kids mocked me, the teachers mocked me.
I still blame them for me failing my Biology A-level.
Maybe I would have failed then anyway, as by then Dad was ill and I'd shit myself about coming home and finding him dead, cos let's face it. He was dying and until he finally went to the doc's no one could do anything.
Or maybe it was my fault for not being strong enough to ignore them.
I passed my English Lit A-level due to another Loser being in the group, but even the power of two didn't stop the shit.
Hard. Hard when you're being told crap at home, hard when you're getting crap at school, waking up with a fear of what will happen at school that day, a general feeling of "urk, what's the point of it all? Surely there's more to life?"
And the nagging fear, that this was it, the best you're ever going to get, what's the point of anything if all your gonna get is shit for trying.
Hard to put those thoughts into words, the feeling of lets just sleep through this day and the next and the next, but gritting your teeth and pasting a smile on your face and getting on with it cos there was no escape.
Yeah. I hated school.
Christ this has turned into a whinge and brought back bad memories.
Time to stop... Neighbours is on!