Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Been thinking things over and over again and the one thing it boils down to is that I am alone.
I am going to have to do the one thing I did not want to do once uni was over and I still do not want to do it.
Feel quite bad for still whittering on about this, as if anyone does read this I guess they get quite bored with it.
But HEY! Its my blog and I shall do what I want, although it still wont let me put links up.
I am scared and I am afraid.
I keep thinking of how it was when I was doing my A-levels and Dad first started to get sick.
At first when I came home at dinner time, he would be up, smiling stupidly, telling me he'd just got up himself and if I wanted to run down to the shop to buy hot dog rolls we could have those for dinner.
Then he wouldn't be up, but he'd get up when he'd hear me come in, then when I'd shout that Neighbours (1:45), was on, then Diagnosis Murder (2:45).
Then he'd stop getting up for them, and I'd come home and make a racket, dropping my schoolbag, whistling or singing and maybe he'd get up and more often than not he'd sleep through.
Then I stopped doing that, and just wait quietly.
And it was scary, because the bad thoughts would come into your head, I'm not stupid, I knew it was bad that he was still working, not eating, losing weight, sleeping all the time.
So I'd come upstairs and wait by the door to see if he was breathing or not.
And thinking all the time, what if he was dead, who do I call first? Mum? An Ambulance? His mum?
and I am afraid cos I know it will get that bad again, only this time I will not be home alone. But this time they will not operate to make him better.
That's what gets at me, I can't sit around waiting for him to die, he can and i don't know how. I want to scream and fight, demand that they operate, chemo, anything.
But there is nothing to do or be done.
And I am afraid cos I will be coming home after uni and I did not want that. More than anything else in the world I did not want to come home.
and I am angry cos I'm having to come home and then I'm guilty and sad and angry at myself that I feel that way.
Someone needs to take care of Mum and The Brat and Dad can't do that anymore, so its up to me to prevent the fights as much as possible, to fight for Brat's rights to lead a partway normal life, to go out with his mates and drink.
I did not get that chance so that's why I have no mates here except E. I will not have that happen to Brat.
And Mum needs someone here, to try and explain that to her, to have someone to lean on. I know what will happen, she will stop at home and become a hermit, I know I cannot put my life on hold for her, so I will only stop for a month or two, but I know unless I am careful that Month will become a year, maybe two and the chance that is almost within my fingers for a normal life will be gone.
E says I should not go home, that it is the worst thing I can do and I know that and I agree with that.
I will not be abroad if the worst happens, and I cannot be in Sheffield 3 hours away. I cannot afford to live on my own.
I keep thinking of what MH said when I text her the night we learnt. I told her how miserable and how it made me feel sick and she told me to stop and in so many words to stop feeling sorry for myself, that I should be grateful I am getting this time with Dad.
I know she's thinking of R who was killed in a motorcycle accident and I am glad that I do have time with Dad before he starts getting bad again.
But she doesn't know what it was like when I was watching him die before, cos that's what was happening.
She knows I do not want to go home and I would have thought she would have taken that into account.
Maybe I'm being stupidly harsh on her, but what she said was mean and it has affected me, I keep thinking of the times that I let her stay up late whining and whinging about R, about J, about school and home and uni and how I listened and would never once have dreamed of saying anything like get over it to her.
So now I feel like I cannot tell her how I am feeling. She's supposed to be one of my best mates.
I am alone. I cannot worry Mum and Dad and The Brat more than they are already, I have to take care of them.
H2 has come on, she never replied to the text I sent about Dad being on his way out again.
She's all full of her job and I'm pleased for her, but she doesn't ask how I am or how Dad is and if she did ask how I am I would say fine, getting there, lying through my teeth.
Its the same with everyone, they all expect this happy bouncy person and I am alone, I cannot tell them what's really going on as I am afraid I will cry and I am not ready for that yet.
I have E, but it is not fair to burden all this on her as she will say again about counseling and I do not want that.
I feel so alone, it is a knot in my stomach and everything keeps going round my head.
I am scared. I am afraid. I am angry. I am guilty. I am trying to be strong for everyone and not let them know how I am, trying to take care of them.
But I do not want to be alone. I hate feeling scared.
The Hunter has just asked how I am.
I could tell him the truth, and have some well meaning but thoughtless words back.
I am alone.
I'm beginning to think Links is just a far too complicated thing for me to get up and running, however they have not beaten me yet.
New Spanky phone has arrived! Its all shiny and is a camera phone and everything, but it has to be put away for my birthday.
Went to buy tickets to get a train to see the Twins, was hoping to be able to buy them at Eltham station cos I remember buying Derby tickets there once, however they told me that now I have to go to Sidcup to buy them.
So just slightly out of the way then - Thank you Daddy for running me there!
Yesterday was hard, I built it up in my head until it was a knot, we walked down to the river and watched some herons be bullied by the motley collection of gulls.
Saw a few cormorants too, apparently they get oyster-catchers and the odd lapwing there too.
I was surprisingly alright telling her, it was her asking me what I was going to do that got me going.
she knows like I do, that I do not want to go home, but as far as I can see I have no other choice, I do not want to be away, but yet I cannot live at home.
But they need me at home, so I have no choice.
We talked about counseling again but that is something I cannot do, my mortal fear of being seen as weak and crying by people would stop me doing that.
Its hard cos I have all these tears inside me and I know it will just get worse, but other than letting the odd one or two escape so far I have held the flood back.
She told me she worries about me, about the fact that I keep everything locked up inside, that I'll spend all my time helping mum and the Brat and not take care of myself and what I need.
Does it matter what I need at a time like this? That can be sorted later, and I've already said goodbye to my dreams of traveling after uni, I know now that I will be here, working.
She told me I will end up doing something stupid, I wisely kept quiet about the no sleeping (last night was a good night - 1am), and the mini-eating disorder, which doesn't really count, cos I just stopped eating cos I couldn't be bothered to cook as I hate it and Its boring.
She told me that if I have to stay in this country to not move back home as that will make it harder for Mum in the end.
1 - I cannot afford to live in London on my own.
2 - E offered me a place at hers, but how would Mum take that? Its out of the question.
3 - Mum has already said to Brat that she may need me and Him to pay some money, leccky and that.
4 - If i did live away, like in Sheff with MH, how would I feel if that phone call came? Probably bad that I wasn't there, at least in London I can be around and help in any way they need me.
I do not want to go home, but I have no choice.

Monday, June 28, 2004

My sleep patterns are messed up here as it is, they seem to be worse at the moment.
normally I'll sleep about 11 or 12, till 10, when I have nothing to get on with.
Here as I have little to do, its 2 or 3am till 10, then a little nap during the day.
Today me and Dad walked over to Woolwich, to see Nan and Granddad which isn't far, maybe 2 or 3 miles at the most.
It was a nice walk, through Hornfair park, Charlton Park and Maryon Wilson or as its always be known to us as the Lido park, Charlton House Park and the animal Park.
been thinking things over and I guess I need to accept that I won't be going travelling straight after uni, whatever the situation is.
If he's still bouncing about, I wouldn't want to go for a length of time and not be able to get back if the worst happens and what if they can't get hold of me to tell me the worst?
IF and here's hoping it's not happened. He has gone, I'll be needed here, mum and the Brat won't get on without someone to counteract and balance them out.
I won't let them rule my life, but Dad's said we need to look after each other and Mum won't be able to cope, so i'll have to stop at home for a month or two at least till I feel sure she's ok.
This does have benefits as it means I could get a job and save before I go.
Tomorrow - well today really, I need to find E. She's not responded to any texts and I can't not tell her, so I'll be pootling down to Woolwich tomorrow to tell her and I can now appreciate how hard it must be for Mum and Dad to tell us.
well i got it all purdy looking, now links.
I thought it was sorted, guess not.
I'll try again
Rumours of P*rk*r coming back....
Yeah, the same guy that left to further his career by learning how to warm the bench.....
Hang on a minute while I pick myself back off of the floor where I fell laughing.
I can't see it happening, I don't think anyone would accept it.
Still it was the laugh I needed to cheer me up, I'm still getting my head around the weekend's events.
I've got to tell E tomorrow, which will be hard, she's like a member of the family and I'm sure telling her out loud will make it real.
Hopefully she knows me well enough not to get upset in front of me, that would just tip me over the edge.

Sunday, June 27, 2004

me Mum and Brat went to see "Shrek 2", its very good, better than the 1st film I think, told Mum about LF.
Did very little else today
Still finding it hard to get my head round it all.
Mum's not going to take being on her own very well, I don't think now that I'll be going travelling straight after uni.
We've been given about 9 months, Dad's promised to come to graduation, so that's January, and Im not thinking any further ahead than that.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Dad's cancer is terminal,
been preparing for it, since the first time he got sick but its still a shock. Its spread to his lungs, liver and adrenal gland.
uum. yeah. Feel kinda numb, not sure what to think or do.

Friday, June 25, 2004

The end of an era.
Tonight Mothership and Dad will show up to take me and all my possessions back to London.
CL will move to UDOBF's place until her new course starts in September back in her home of Bristol.
MH will be moving to her little flat in Sheff ready to start her masters.
Me? I'll be dossing round the house until the football season starts again and I can return to Derby and Halls in September, until my Exams in January, when I REALLY will be finished.
Everything is packed now, crockery, posters (room looking very bare!) The England flag flying proudly next to my charlton pennant (which used to get a laugh from the West Ham supporting postman and the kids from the local school) is gone. EVERYTHING is packed.
Its kinda sad, despite all the traumas and crises, the gas leak, the Earthquake, the dodgey housemates, the shit landlords, me and MH have dealt with these things with a laugh and a giggle.
She knows me pretty much as anyone and I know her.
No more late night chats about dodgey relationships (hers mainly), no more late night trips to Saddlers, no more horror movie marathons, no more spur of the moment decisions to go watch the footy at the Friary.
No more chats on the stairs with CL, no more me and MH conspiring to find out her latest lie.
No more talking about our childhood and life experiences.
Its all over.
Sure we'll remain friends, but i think maybe the closeness will go, of course we'll still talk and msn and visit each other and go to football games together, but it wont ever be the same.
Despite Dad's illness, (and I would gladly swap all those things for him to be well and the cancer to go for good), despite the stress as it has shown that I am clearly NOT cut out for the academic side of uni life and have struggled throughout, these 3 years have been the best of my life.
Without her I would not have developed as a person, would still be convinced that I am worthless. Would not have come to terms with the way my head works and the way that my life has turned out.
Tonight I go home to Charlton and everything changes.
I've told MH that she is not to cry - sometimes she is such a girl - but I know she will be in tears the minute the car reaches the end of the drive.
Its not like I'll never see her again. I'll be visiting for her flatwarming party (hopefully LF will be there and we can sort stuff out once and for all).
I'll be visiting once I get back to Derby.
But we won't be living together.
I don't believe in regrets, or goodbyes.
So I'll tell her it isn't goodbye - except to our house, and what's that apart from bricks and mortar?
It's only see you later.
And I will see her soon
It was all going so well.
We went to the pub at half three, and settled in at the front, on a comfy sofa.
We ate lunch, we drank, we discussed the new seasons fixtures.
We cheered the team coach as it headed to the ground.
We sat smug as people crowded into the Friary, looking for decent seat, we saw some other England regulars and talked about the fortunes of Wednesday and the Rommedahl signing.
We sang as a whole pub to "World in Motion" "Vindaloo" "Tubthumping" "Three Lions" and the National Athem.
We even sang along to "bye bye baby" as the Portuguese anthem played.
Michael Owen scored, We danced on the sofa.
Rooney went off injured, our hearts sank. I turned to MH and said there's no way we can defend the lead for the rest of the match.
But we looked like we might pull it off, Postiga came on and I said, "its ok, what's he ever done at Spurs, we're sorted."
They scored, we sang even louder, leapt onto the table at Sol's goal, only for me to be the one to break the news to our group that it hadn't been given and while we were celebrating the Portuguese were whizzing up the other end.
Rui Costa scored in Extra Time, Lampard scored.
We were been hugged by strangers, screaming and shouting.
I knew we wouldn't go through on penalties, but there was still a small chance.
The penalties...
I saw Becks sky his, I saw Owen Score.
Then i saw it.....

A bottle landed on the table in front of us, upsetting the glasses and pitchers.
MH turned to me, "I've been hit."
I thought she meant the plastic pitcher that went spinning off the table.
"so what? Its only plastic, stop being a girl."
"it hurts."
"It will do, come on England."
The girls behind us, crowding MH, "are you ok? Do you want some air?"
"it hurts."
"Give her some water."
she held the water, then pushed it into my hand.
she passed out and slid off the back of the sofa onto the cushions.
Chaos, bouncers, thinking she was drunk, trying to drag her out, people dancing at the other penalties, the kind girls behind trying to help.
She came round a couple of times.
"The match? Are we winning?"
What a girl! Despite been injured, she still wanted to know how the penalties were going!
she kept passing out.
Eventually it was over, we were out, but I don't know who scored the winning penalty, or who missed our last one.
We carried her out.
And then the panic started.
MH was in a serious RTA 5 years ago, she still suffers from back and leg problems.
she came round again.
"I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs. I don't want to be paralyzed again!"
The policeman got an ambulance - fulfilling an ambition of mine to ride in one.
She was attached to a back board, to a head and neck brace.
we rode to hospital, her attached to an oxygen mask.
I had to ring her parents, to let them know what was going on, I never want to have to do anything like that again.
She's fine now, we left the hospital at half 2 and got takeout pizza and watched the penalties again.
She's very sore, has crutches, and more pain than she's been in for several years, but she will be fine.
All this cos some wanker decided to throw a bottle.
sometimes I wonder about the human species.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

We have to wait till the end of the Season for Palace at home.
But imagine the atmosphere if we relegate them? Hopefully they'll be already relegated and the atmosphere will be cracking as well!
First game is Bolton away, I've not been up there since that FA cup game, the most memorable part was my Uncle throwing up.
Wednesday have Colchester home on the 7th so I may pootle up to Sheff for that, then they have Blackpool and Torquay away, although Torquay clashes with my Birthday and Bolton away, so that one might be a miss.
Wonder what the chances are of a trip to Blackpool on the 10th?
Meanwhile Charlton finally get the first game at the Valley on the 21st against Pompey, then another on the 24th - Villa.
The first easy away game for me in the Midlands will be Birmingham away on the 18th but I may not be back in Derby by then so that all depends on the term dates, when we get them.
West Brom's on the 11th of December which is another possible cheap away game as I'm guessing I'll still be up here at that point.
Palace away is the week before that so that's another possible.
Aston Villa is on the 20th of April and by then I'll be back in London figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life.
But there's still all the London derbies and this year I want to go to a lot more away games, although I say that every year.
It looks like the Wednesday games and Charlton ones match up so I can go to a few of them too.
Of course this is all subject to Sky getting their grubby little mitts on the games and messing them up!
But still I'm even more eager for the season to start now!

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Not long now!
I hate packing,
been doing it slowly now for a while, but am leaving it for as long as possible, just because I hate the white wallpaper, and its a good way of hiding the holes in the wallpaper from accidents with blue-tack.
cleared out my extensive radox collection now, I had pretty much every one, even the posh glass bottle versions.
Even one thats not on the website a red "desire"
My space hopper is deflated and padded around the bottles in case of spillage, my inflatable chair is packed.
My wardrobes are clear of posters and postcards and the fixture list is now binned.
I take full responsibity for us not making Europe - after the 4-2 against Chelsea I wrote "We're all going on a European Tour" and we went downhill after that.
I'm sorry.
Its the silly things too, like the puzzle ball that came in my xmas cracker and which J made for me, that got stuck on my wall, 2 gooey frogs from the Environmental Centre where I worked for a few weeks during the Summer in between the 1st and 2nd yr of uni.
What do I do with things like that and where do I put them for now?
Now all I have to do is my washing and pack that and take all my posters down, kinda putting that off cos that really means I am going, either Saturday or Sunday, depending on how Dad is feeling after his jab on Friday night.

And its raining and there is nothing on TV, can't even watch Wimbledon cos its been rained off.
I think so far, my fame is waning.
But wait!
Whats this?
I've been linked to again!
Like I say, I don't know how to take this, and if I've come across as rude and ungrateful, I'm sorry cos I haven't meant to be.
Its just startled and scared me a little.

Last night me and MH watched "An Autopsy" on 5.
I'm not squeamish but there was something a little creepy and ickky bout it all.
I'm not sure if that kind of stuff should be shown on TV or not, Yes it was all interesting to me in a "sciency" type of way, and the case studies that were presented that autopsies have found the murderers were also interesting, but I dunno.
It was kinda car crash TV, fasinating, but gory at the same time.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Sometimes E. is a little dense, Bless 'er.
She just texted me to tell me she now has taken over Dad's season Ticket, after having to give hers up for uni.
I told her we can go to lots of away games now I have someone to go with and if we have the money.
So that's Pal-arse away then!
and then she goes.
"what about Welling? We going this year?"
Talk about asking silly questions!
I suppose if other people are going to read this I shouldnt be mean to them, I don't want any aggro if they read this (highly unlikely)
But I do like the link...
An Addick's take on Euro 2004!
I still have Neckache from squinting at a teeny screen, while all around me, people enjoy the Fuckoff Big Screen and jump about all over me.
Poor ankle - I'll change the plaster in a bit (who needs a rock concert to mosh in when England are playing?!)
I have spotted My 1st ever comment! - apart from those that I have added meself...
I suppose, that really I should put the blogs that I read, but I don't know how to do that apart from the normal links, like above.
Then again...
It is possible I am worrying about nothing.
I mean who in their right mind would want to read my rambles and misery?
I'm not even funny.
Sometimes even to me, I sound like a 13 year old kid, whinging about how unfair life is.
The China details have been released.
£800+ sounds a lot of money, possibly more money than I can afford, seeing as I have a Season Ticket to buy, Rent to pay for halls and all I have is a quickly disappearing loan to pay for it.
I haven't looked at my bank account since April when I was frightened to see that the £1400 I was supposed to recieve was actually only £700.
Since then, I've been to several Wednesday away games and down to London a few times for the Home games.
So Im guessing that I'm well into my overdraft and that's gotta last me until Sept when I get a New loan.
Ok I could get a job (Brat has now, down the Waterfront, I was already going to keep well away from there after hearing the Behind The Scenes Stories, but this is an even Greater Incentive.)
I could get a summer job, but realistically, I'm gonna need 3 weeks off in it, one to go to Scotland to see the Twins, and another 2 to do the Vole thing.
Not sure that would go down well with prospective employers...

Another bit of fame
I'm getting scared, not sure if I like this or not,
This was originally just for me to whinge off in, I did think about going public with it, but didn't know how and now that decision has been taken out of my hands.
Really not sure how to take it, one part of me says I should be glad about it all, a chance to show off, but the other shyer part of me is scared by it all and wants to hide.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Would have liked the match a lot more, if I could trust David James.
If I was 6 inches taller, I could see the big screen, rather than the little interactive bit in the corner, I had to look at a screen smaller than our TV at home! People would not trip over me when bouncing around after England score and when Scholes scored, we got covered in lager, from over-enthusastic drunks, and it only got worse as the game went on.
Am feeling very sticky, all over my signed charlton shirt too!
I love wearing my shirt to the pub,
No one up here really believes that it is a Charlton Shirt, and repeatedly tell me that I'm the only Charlton Supporter they have ever met!
It gets quite amusing, especially when the drunks come up that have confused it with Notts Forest!
New Season's Fixtures out soon!
WHHOOOOOOO!!! Can't wait. Looking forward to Welling United away,
I'm going home to London on Saturday and trying to pack as well as helping MH Pack and decorate her Sheff flat,
wonder where she is actually.... We're going to take full advantage of the football being on.
And why does Neighbours have to give way to Wimbledon?
I suppose to them its their equivalent of The World Cup or something, but it's BORING - (from someone who watches cricket, snooker and darts!)
I never really understood the Tim Henman thing either.
I mean when Agassi or Federer or someone wins their set, there cheering away like a lunatic, climbing over people's seats and everything.
When Tim wins we get a little clenched fist and a smile.....

Come on! Show some sorta emotion!
It makes me wonder if in fact he is real, or some sort of android robot...
He gets to the semi final and anyone else would be excited but no - little clenched fist and a smile.
I just want a little shout of "YAY" or back-chatting the umpire like Greg Rudeski did, something to liven up the game.
Bet he's the same shopping at ASDA....
"Ooohh two for one on mini pizza's!"
Clenched fist and smile.

and speaking of Wimbledon, I see that Wimbledon FC are now ....

Wait for it!....

Milton Keynes Dons FC
Now how catchy is that?!

Fame at last!
slightly frightened now, was never expecting that!
Not sure if I wanted to "go public" or not!
Had a very random day yesterday, playing in Markeaton Park with STF and MH, we created a pot and painted it and rode the toy train, was slightly gutted to find that we were too old to have a go on the bouncy castle and the kiddie canoes!
Then we watched the Spain/Portugal match, typically, as soon as we decided it was boring and to flick over to the Greece/Russia match, Portugal scored!
Today, I've been lugging tins of paint round for MH to take to Sheff to paint her new house, and we're looking forward to later, when it's pound a bottle night at The Friary and we can watch the football in comfort.
Come on England!
What's the latest on the tour of China?
I was looking forward to that, providing it didn't clash with Vole Lady and my Independent studies project.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Go Latvia!
A nil-nil draw is brilliant, against Germany, (even if they were very poor!)
Still home alone, been packing away all my teddies, the living room windowsill is looking very empty
I've been here all day on my own.
Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into an "i'm so lonely and abandoned rant"
Been dozing on and off all day really, curled up in my bed.
Wish I had someone like MH has STF.
My mind keeps playing with the idea of ringing LF for a chat.
I won't do it though, maybe if I get drunk enough and we win at the football on Monday!
then again knowing me...
If he tells me the outcome of his lump, i REALLY will ring, good or bad.
So it's all down to him, I told him to tell me what happens, whether he does or not though...

Friday, June 18, 2004

Balamory Karaoke!
Home alone again.
Last night after the France/Croatia match MH went home with STF, I came home and found the house all empty.
CL and UDOBF came home about half eleven this morning, and went again after an hour or two as they are going to Exeter, after fixing the car that was broken into last night...
MH came home about 2 or 3, she went again about half 7.
I'm home alone and still non the wiser about me and LF.
Was talking to Gay Tom about it, and he thinks it sounds like he just doesn't want to hurt me, that he's sensitive and sweet. (which LF is)
But when I asked GT what that meant, whether it was a mistake or not, he didn't reply.
Today the bad vibes are creeping into my head, telling me all the things that I dont want to hear.
Doesnt help having MH so loved up (says she's over Jena, even if she claims to be over him a little too much for my liking)
I just don't understand.
LF said that one day I'd want the relationship bit, and I want it, I'm just scared of it, should have told him that really.
Oh well, I'm sure I'll get that chance later.
I want Jitsu Freak to come online, want her opinion on it all, she's the only one I can talk to apart from GT.
Suppose I could talk to MH about it all, but I get the feeling that she will be kinda scornful about it all, say that I'm not going to get anywhere cos I'm too shy, too into myself, for me and LF to work, like we didn't make it work last time.
I don't know, part of me knows she is right, part of me wants to challenge that.
But I'm going home to London next week, and I know that that doesn't help a situation.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Back in Derby from York.
Am feeling very confused.
I thought - Knew I was over LF, but seeing him again, smelling his scent of fags, sweat and deoderant, playing silly buggers, its stupid, to be this messed up, but I honestly thought I only saw him as a mate.
Then i was like a stupid kid again, like I was last year, butterflies about seeing him, gazing at him, loving him.
Now i'm back in Derby and i'm telling myself that I only see him as a mate but I dont think I do.
And I dont understand what he feels about me.
He split with his gf and we had a nice chat, telling me that he wanted to stay single for a while, but that he has deep feelings for me still, but it wasn't to be, but he was drunk, and he flirted with me, and held me and when we said goodbye, if I hadn't moved away, I think he may have kissed me.
If we had stopped for the rest of the week, I think he would have done.
He explained why he had dumped me, (unless this was a lie.) He told me it was cos he only saw me as a mate.
But he told me on Tuesday that it was cos he was ashamed of himself, that he would mess with my head, that he wasn't good enough for me.
He admitted that he had already messed with my head, before, he tried to end it when he was scared and running away from his problems. But that's what hurt me, the fact that he did run away.
I don’t give a flying fuck, that he has no GCSE’s or that he's stuck in some dull dead-end job.
I know him, he's a lot like me and I can read him, just the way he can read me, we have so much in common, but I just don't understand.
I dont understand what it is I feel for him, if i feel anything, or if he feels anything for me, or whether it was just rebound/drink talking.
Funny how you can find a song lyric for whatever it is your going through...

I don't know what I'm up against
I don't know what it's all about
I've go so much to think about
Hey!I think I love you!
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for
I think I love you
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
I've never felt this way

Thursday, June 10, 2004

PDC and Kev Lisbie have signed for another year.
Yay about PDC, not so sure about Kev, yeah his hat trick against Liverpool was great, but sometimes his confidence is not the best in the world.
Charlton have also anounced a Pre season tour of China - Have spoken to E about this, and she sounds quite up for it, providing it is not too expensive.
War has been decleared on the old cow neighbours.
Due to the jungle (a giraffe has been spotted) in the back garden, due to lack of working lawnmower and taping the door up with masking tape in the winter so the draught was contained, means that we dont have a back garden to hang clothes out.
So CL and MH have rigged a line up on the front garden.
We haven't been hanging up underwear out, even socks, havent been hung up.
But the last two day, 2 ladies have shown up saying that this was lowering the tone of the neighbourhood, that we should hang it up in the back garden.
These are not even our local neighbours, we're on good terms with them and they have just laughed at our garden, having seen the state of our garden.
When we have told them about the back garden scenario, they have just told us that we should have stopped paying rent.
RRRIIIGGGHHHT. Apart from us getting evicted that won't do a thing, we have been dealing with these landlords for 2 years now and they're shite.
They weren't even fussed when we had the gas leak.
We've "meant" to be having the front and back doors replaced last November - We're still waiting.
If it was up to me I'd tell them all to fuck off, it'd be different if they lived next door, but they all live a lot further up the street.
Bah! miserable old farts.
MH has been packing, kinda strange to go up the stairs now and not see Terry Cooke staring at me.
Found pictures of the cat that we adopted, last Autumn, we miss him, poor Smudge.
Owners took him away and he was a skinny shit, RSPCA wouldn't do a thing.
Poor Kitty.
Poor us, MH is getting very emotional about moving out and living on her own in Sheff.
I'm on the surface chilled about moving out, but its a bit of a pang anyway.
Still cool about it all though.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

We didn't make Europe.
Pah, like I wanted to go anyway.
I'll just watch Millwall get murdered by Galatasary instead.
*sob sob*

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

So i failed the Driving test - AGAIN
Was 5 mins away from the test centre then a car pulled out on me and i got failed for observation.
LF has credit, hurrah! He had text wars with me all night, in the Friary and In Bishops and then in the open mic night.
Really looking forward to seeing him at the weekend.
He said he didnt mind about me losing it a few weeks ago, and I could do it any time if i liked.
I love him so much, he is such a great mate.
Cant wait to see him.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

have removed the shrine, pictures have been taken for posterity, since then have been trying to remove lid of paint tin, now am attempting to melt it.
England won 6-1!
Everyone is now very optimistic about Euro 2004 and there is a big possibility that we may go to York to see Jena and LF for the England/France game.
Ireland also beat Holland 0-1! Go Robbie Keane.
Yesterday I packed some textbooks away and my 1st and 2nd year folders away.
Today I may take my charlton shrine down.
This is very harsh, basically my shrine is 3 yrs worth of newspaper articles about Charlton, it covers the wall above my head.
But it needs to come down and I need to paint as blue-tack stains on my walls will ot get my deposit back.
I can't bring myself to do it though, I think i'll take a picture, then do it.
I want to cry, moving out is so harsh.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

Back in Derby now,
slowly packing, hope to be going home on the weekend of the 26th.
Not that I want to go home...
Think Helen liked London, well apart from the unfriendliness of it all.
I can see her point, I get freaked out when strangers start talking to me on buses or whatever, but she takes it as it is meant - just being friendly.
She accused me of flirting on the owls thing, I saw it as friendliness and joking around, can't see how asking about uni courses can be taken any other way....?
Driving test No6. on Monday.
Find out If Charlton make Europe (fingers crossed for a game against an Icelandic Team!) on Tuesday.
Off to Friary later to see England V Iceland.