Been thinking things over and over again and the one thing it boils down to is that I am alone.
I am going to have to do the one thing I did not want to do once uni was over and I still do not want to do it.
Feel quite bad for still whittering on about this, as if anyone does read this I guess they get quite bored with it.
But HEY! Its my blog and I shall do what I want, although it still wont let me put links up.
I am scared and I am afraid.
I keep thinking of how it was when I was doing my A-levels and Dad first started to get sick.
At first when I came home at dinner time, he would be up, smiling stupidly, telling me he'd just got up himself and if I wanted to run down to the shop to buy hot dog rolls we could have those for dinner.
Then he wouldn't be up, but he'd get up when he'd hear me come in, then when I'd shout that Neighbours (1:45), was on, then Diagnosis Murder (2:45).
Then he'd stop getting up for them, and I'd come home and make a racket, dropping my schoolbag, whistling or singing and maybe he'd get up and more often than not he'd sleep through.
Then I stopped doing that, and just wait quietly.
And it was scary, because the bad thoughts would come into your head, I'm not stupid, I knew it was bad that he was still working, not eating, losing weight, sleeping all the time.
So I'd come upstairs and wait by the door to see if he was breathing or not.
And thinking all the time, what if he was dead, who do I call first? Mum? An Ambulance? His mum?
and I am afraid cos I know it will get that bad again, only this time I will not be home alone. But this time they will not operate to make him better.
That's what gets at me, I can't sit around waiting for him to die, he can and i don't know how. I want to scream and fight, demand that they operate, chemo, anything.
But there is nothing to do or be done.
And I am afraid cos I will be coming home after uni and I did not want that. More than anything else in the world I did not want to come home.
and I am angry cos I'm having to come home and then I'm guilty and sad and angry at myself that I feel that way.
Someone needs to take care of Mum and The Brat and Dad can't do that anymore, so its up to me to prevent the fights as much as possible, to fight for Brat's rights to lead a partway normal life, to go out with his mates and drink.
I did not get that chance so that's why I have no mates here except E. I will not have that happen to Brat.
And Mum needs someone here, to try and explain that to her, to have someone to lean on. I know what will happen, she will stop at home and become a hermit, I know I cannot put my life on hold for her, so I will only stop for a month or two, but I know unless I am careful that Month will become a year, maybe two and the chance that is almost within my fingers for a normal life will be gone.
E says I should not go home, that it is the worst thing I can do and I know that and I agree with that.
BUT...
I will not be abroad if the worst happens, and I cannot be in Sheffield 3 hours away. I cannot afford to live on my own.
I keep thinking of what MH said when I text her the night we learnt. I told her how miserable and how it made me feel sick and she told me to stop and in so many words to stop feeling sorry for myself, that I should be grateful I am getting this time with Dad.
I know she's thinking of R who was killed in a motorcycle accident and I am glad that I do have time with Dad before he starts getting bad again.
But she doesn't know what it was like when I was watching him die before, cos that's what was happening.
She knows I do not want to go home and I would have thought she would have taken that into account.
Maybe I'm being stupidly harsh on her, but what she said was mean and it has affected me, I keep thinking of the times that I let her stay up late whining and whinging about R, about J, about school and home and uni and how I listened and would never once have dreamed of saying anything like get over it to her.
So now I feel like I cannot tell her how I am feeling. She's supposed to be one of my best mates.
I am alone. I cannot worry Mum and Dad and The Brat more than they are already, I have to take care of them.
H2 has come on, she never replied to the text I sent about Dad being on his way out again.
She's all full of her job and I'm pleased for her, but she doesn't ask how I am or how Dad is and if she did ask how I am I would say fine, getting there, lying through my teeth.
Its the same with everyone, they all expect this happy bouncy person and I am alone, I cannot tell them what's really going on as I am afraid I will cry and I am not ready for that yet.
I have E, but it is not fair to burden all this on her as she will say again about counseling and I do not want that.
I feel so alone, it is a knot in my stomach and everything keeps going round my head.
I am scared. I am afraid. I am angry. I am guilty. I am trying to be strong for everyone and not let them know how I am, trying to take care of them.
But I do not want to be alone. I hate feeling scared.
The Hunter has just asked how I am.
I could tell him the truth, and have some well meaning but thoughtless words back.
I am alone.