Yesterday was hard, I built it up in my head until it was a knot, we walked down to the river and watched some herons be bullied by the motley collection of gulls.
Saw a few cormorants too, apparently they get oyster-catchers and the odd lapwing there too.
I was surprisingly alright telling her, it was her asking me what I was going to do that got me going.
she knows like I do, that I do not want to go home, but as far as I can see I have no other choice, I do not want to be away, but yet I cannot live at home.
But they need me at home, so I have no choice.
We talked about counseling again but that is something I cannot do, my mortal fear of being seen as weak and crying by people would stop me doing that.
Its hard cos I have all these tears inside me and I know it will just get worse, but other than letting the odd one or two escape so far I have held the flood back.
She told me she worries about me, about the fact that I keep everything locked up inside, that I'll spend all my time helping mum and the Brat and not take care of myself and what I need.
Does it matter what I need at a time like this? That can be sorted later, and I've already said goodbye to my dreams of traveling after uni, I know now that I will be here, working.
She told me I will end up doing something stupid, I wisely kept quiet about the no sleeping (last night was a good night - 1am), and the mini-eating disorder, which doesn't really count, cos I just stopped eating cos I couldn't be bothered to cook as I hate it and Its boring.
She told me that if I have to stay in this country to not move back home as that will make it harder for Mum in the end.
1 - I cannot afford to live in London on my own.
2 - E offered me a place at hers, but how would Mum take that? Its out of the question.
3 - Mum has already said to Brat that she may need me and Him to pay some money, leccky and that.
4 - If i did live away, like in Sheff with MH, how would I feel if that phone call came? Probably bad that I wasn't there, at least in London I can be around and help in any way they need me.
I do not want to go home, but I have no choice.
*sigh*