Back in Derby from York.
Am feeling very confused.
I thought - Knew I was over LF, but seeing him again, smelling his scent of fags, sweat and deoderant, playing silly buggers, its stupid, to be this messed up, but I honestly thought I only saw him as a mate.
Then i was like a stupid kid again, like I was last year, butterflies about seeing him, gazing at him, loving him.
Now i'm back in Derby and i'm telling myself that I only see him as a mate but I dont think I do.
And I dont understand what he feels about me.
He split with his gf and we had a nice chat, telling me that he wanted to stay single for a while, but that he has deep feelings for me still, but it wasn't to be, but he was drunk, and he flirted with me, and held me and when we said goodbye, if I hadn't moved away, I think he may have kissed me.
If we had stopped for the rest of the week, I think he would have done.
He explained why he had dumped me, (unless this was a lie.) He told me it was cos he only saw me as a mate.
But he told me on Tuesday that it was cos he was ashamed of himself, that he would mess with my head, that he wasn't good enough for me.
He admitted that he had already messed with my head, before, he tried to end it when he was scared and running away from his problems. But that's what hurt me, the fact that he did run away.
I don’t give a flying fuck, that he has no GCSE’s or that he's stuck in some dull dead-end job.
I know him, he's a lot like me and I can read him, just the way he can read me, we have so much in common, but I just don't understand.
I dont understand what it is I feel for him, if i feel anything, or if he feels anything for me, or whether it was just rebound/drink talking.
Funny how you can find a song lyric for whatever it is your going through...

I don't know what I'm up against
I don't know what it's all about
I've go so much to think about
Hey!I think I love you!
So what am I so afraid of?
I'm afraid that I'm not sure of
A love there is no cure for
I think I love you
Isn't that what life is made of?
Though it worries me to say
I've never felt this way