Oh yeah - Let me share this story with you from yesterday! I went for an interview arranged at the place where Lady who owns Horse works. Apparently I was tied top candidate along with another person - Reason they chose other person?? I showed up without a handbag......
WTF? I had keys, bus pass, phone. It all fitted in my pocket. You may be unsurprised to learn that I don't even own a handbag......

In the midst of all the misery I've been posting recently I've just had the best day out I've had for ages!
We hired an arena and showjumps and took the horse out to play. She was so excited! Took two of us to hold her still to tack up and I'm sure she was hyperventilating with it all!
I let her owner ride her first as I was a bit nervous of how excited she was, then it was my go! Once again steering let me down as did confusion over left and rights. We practised perhaps 7 or 8 jumps individually and then strung them together to make a nice course. Where I got lost! Hey Ho!
Got some ok photos too!
When I start working I plan on taking up more jumping lessons and I have my fingers crossed that perhaps her owner will let me take her to some low level jumping contests.
Then home and straight out to football where we put an end to a miserable season by winning 3-1! Luckily staving off relegation!
Also! The temping lady got in touch about possibly setting me up with an interview with the Kennel Club! And I have an interview in Sutton Coldfield Tuesday! Haven't really looked into it too much yet. If I go without Welshy, the wage might be a teeny bit too low.
Will look into it properly tomorrow although to be honest, far more excited about working for the Kennel Club!

Urggh. So poor! Reluctantly transferred all my savings from Tower Bridge job into my account to cover my overdraft. Now out by 15 pounds! Yikes. I was 600 quid into it. Bad times. 1k into my credit card due to season ticket and driving lessons.
I get 123 pounds from the JSA people later this week, that'll cover pony this week anyway and bus pass. but then two long long weeks before I get paid again. I must get another job soon????

So I am now officially confused. I spoke to him yesterday - I got a letter confirming our entrance to the council housing list we just need to provide evidence. I didn't obviously know if I should go to them and say, actually its now a single application.
He still doesn't know. We spoke and laughed and it was like normal and the air I got was that things will go back to normal. But I don't want to think that in case I am wrong and in any case I don't know if I want him back if he does. I can't take any more hurt.
URGH.
Anyway. Plus news! I drove on the A2 all the way to Gravesend! That's twenty miles! And back again! I over took shitty terrifying big lorries and stuff. And I navigated my way back singlehandedly using road signs and he thinks I should be test ready come end of May/Start of June.
So that's something at least! Yay Charbs!

So. Maybe watching Frozen wasn't the best move. I'm doing ok. I will be ok. Whatever happens I can be ok again. Play at being Pollyanna and keep on waiting. Three days down. 10 days to go. Then I can move on. Interview went ok, will find out soon. Driving went ok. This week of hardcore lessons is good. I WILL BE OK. I am not pathetic. I am strong. I have always been strong.

No more tears. I will not shed any more for him. I have booked driving lessons for every day this week and I will be riding as usual (fab lesson today working on my errant lower leg position!) and preparing for an interview tomorrow and looking forward to my showjumping schooling adventure at Felbridge next week.
I am satisfying myself with thoughts of breaking his face should he tell me it was a mistake and if he doesn't.... Well the worst is over now, its just a matter of telling people. (giving mother the pleasure of saying "I told you so."
I'm gonna book myself the holiday I wanted last year as soon as I get a job and fuck being scared to fly alone. I'll just get hammered on the flight. Then start to save again.
Starting to replace some old clothes that are older than this blog! Holey socks, tatty undies. I deleted What's-App (he was the only person I spoke to on it anyway) and deleted all text history from him to prevent me from being tempted to contact him. Space is what he needs and Space is what he will get from me.
When he comes back it will hurt no doubt all over again but I'm not pathetic. I can't believe I allowed myself to get in that state last week where I didn't eat for 5 days. Where I cried often and randomly. Yes I'm devastated but I have re-grouped now and this bit of breathing space is good for me. Hopefully it will be good for him too and help him to make the right decision. What ever that is.

Saturday night and I couldn't bear the distance between us any more, in private we're stupidly tactile, where as in public we're not. We both cried again and then ended up having sex, cuddling, kissing and talking for ages and again the next morning when I woke. I'm not stupid and I'm not reading into anything when he told me how nice it all was.
Goodbye Sex I guess. We did it again last night and spent a long time snuggled up reminiscing about various adventures and mishaps we've had over the last 7 and a bit years. Reassuring each other that they'll be ok.
He says he's torn 50/50 but he's hurt me so badly I don't know if I could forgive him if he changes his mind again. Whether or not it would always be at the back of my mind that this could happen again and I need to protect myself.
Tired of people constantly letting me down.
So. Now what? He left last night and we agreed not to talk unless it was essential. Give him the space he needs to decide. He says the big test would be if he felt sick at the thought of leaving me to go away last night and I'm desperate to know but space. space is important.
Today is the first day of my new life alone again.

Too many tears over the last few days. Both sobbing Thursday night almost hysterically.
Last night he wanted me, I refused. I held him as he cried. He says he still thinks I'm "hot", "cute" "awesome" its not enough. We tried to go out for a drink, it got awkward. Hard sitting next to him and not resting my hand on his knee or whatever.
Trying to act normal through the day. He leaves Sunday night/Monday Morning. I begged him to come back after this two week stint. At least then if he is looking forward to seeing me, then we know. If not then we can move on with our lives. Trying to talk about the practicalities of it all. I told him he was welcome to come back here inbetween teaching stints, I can sleep upstairs. He said he couldn't do that and then I said we need to decide what to do with his possessions. About the tortoise. About the holiday we have booked in July.
We both get upset talking about these things. I can't bear the thought that tonight is the last night I will have him curled up next to me snoring.
My life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it and if I don't get a job in the next month I will have to give up the horse and that is the only good thing in my life at the moment.

This is horrible. We have been for a nice playdate like we used to. Went to Crystal Palace and admired the dinosaurs and got happily lost in the maze, went and had ice cream sundaes and its like it should be all fun and affectionate between us, we had sex last night and this morning. But yet he says he doesnt know. Trying to give him space and not quiz too much. Suggested that maybe we should take some time apart when he leaves Monday and not communicate at all instead of texting and whats-apping and facebooking. To either start preparing for life without each other or maybe to make us realise that its worth carrying on with, that we miss each other too much.
Really have no idea what to do apart from try to make these last few days as fun as possible for us both and then at least it'll be left on a good note.

What with one thing and another 2014 is rapidly coming to be the shittiest year I've had for a long time.

Its been a strange couple of weeks and I don't know how to correctly articulate it all. I've not been excited by Welshy coming home, not like I should be. He's not been excited by coming home. On Saturday instead of coming right home, he spent the night with his friend.
We skirted round the issue until today and then talked, well I did mostly. Something has changed. Neither of us can particularly say what it is. But in the three weeks since I went to Salzburg something did.
Between tears in the park we tried to talk about it, tried to decide whether ending it was the right thing to do. Neither of us want that. Is it just because there's so much history there? That we're best friends? That we're clinging on for the wrong reasons?
I don't know. Trying to figure out what went wrong, trying to figure out how to fix it.
I tried to make him see that sometimes he treats me as badly as everyone else does. That I need to get away, that the only way to get out is to leave London. He refuses to even entertain the idea.
If I went, as I must do. It will be without him.
We agreed to try and see how the next few weeks go, he leaves again Monday. We will have a playdate tomorrow and hopefully a nice, fun day out now the pressure is off will help matters. Maybe we have just become stagnant and stale. I guess only time will tell......

So I went to see the Psychic/Clairvoyant. Whatever.
I went with the aim of being open-minded yet sceptical. I refused to give too much away and I know some people will mock and thats fine. I have done the same in the past, but I saw it as no different to going to Church and listening to the Pastor/Vicar/Priest or having visited some of the Hindi temples I have and having the experiences there.
So here is my report as honestly as I can remember it, I made notes as soon as I left and while waiting for the bus.
I was very nervous. I don't know why. I don't know if I was expecting her to "channel" Dad and what I'd have done if that had happened. (ran away probably!)
I went to the shop, up the stairs and was introduced to a friendly dark haired lady in a small white painted room, it had a telephone, a book (i forget the title) a tape recorder and she had some tarot cards and a box of tissues. It smelled of incense. I felt emotional straight away - not in the I'm going to cry sense but yet different. It started badly when she thought she had seen me before, that I looked like another lady she had seen and instantly I decided that this was going to be a waste of my time, and I vowed to be extra careful about what I said.
So she introduced herself, and started shuffling her cards. I was expecting her to select one but it seemed to be a much more random process with cards falling as she shuffled.
The first was signifying child. I know I've not had a period for about 5 months now (I really must see a doctor!) but I also know I'm not pregnant. If anything the gym has been confirming that as I've been loosing weight!
So when she asked that again I was a bit dubious, but then she talked about how it could be the end of a cycle and we/I briefly mentioned that I was living at home and Mother was leaving.
The next few cards that came out related to nature and water. She said I didn't drink enough (which is true. I can go all day with only one or two glasses) and she said that was why I was often tired. I found this quite spooky. E and P's mum often hands me water whenever I go there as she is always concerned at the little I drink.
Nature - pretty self explanatory. She asked and I confirmed my love of the outdoors.
Another couple of cards - relating to Welshy (and these came out randomly not one after the other but during the course of the half hour session)
The cards told her that we had been through a rocky patch (Spain) She asked if anyone else had ever been involved (me cheating either emotionally or physically) She said we needed to reconnect, that we were distant now so I mentioned him working abroad, she said (and I guess this is true of any relationship) that we were being complacent about our relationship,and we were slowly growing more distant, that we needed to work on it. That I would start to doubt, someone would make me interfere with it. Apart from the rocky patch I remain sceptical about this part, this is more common sense than any type of "magic". A final card revealed that we were "Twin Flames" and he has a good sense of humour and makes me laugh and that he would be there eventually with me (this will come clear later).
More cards relating to nature and being outdoors.
Cards relating to bullying. She asked and I confirmed that yes I had been bullied as a child. Another card asking if anyone helped and I said no, I said Mother hadn't been interested. She said that yes this has affected my whole life even if I didn't know it, that it had caused problems with self-doubt, self-love and belief in my own abilities. Again this resonated as anyone will know but I remain open about this, anyone who has been bullied probably has the same issues.
Other cards relating to this included that I was guarded, didn't trust easily and needed to open up more. Again this is pretty much me, but I will and do keep in mind that again this is probably true of many bullying victims.
Another card which connected with the child (first card) Redemption. She asked if I was good with children, if I'd worked with them. H2? Your opinions?! People have told me I am good with children and of course I have done some work with them in Spain as most recent example. She said that perhaps there would be some role with children in my future, either my own(!) or working with/alongside them. I laughed and said that I have little patience with them and thats why I didnt go into teacher training in the end.
A card relating to Dad and again here I got a little emotional. She asked if he had left me. She said I was angry about that. I said that he had been ill and I'd left everything in Derby to look after him. She reminded me that I had done the right thing there (I don't need anyone to tell me that) but yet I was angry that it had made part of my life come to an end and I'd had to rebuild it here.
She gave me an exercise to do. I have to in a notebook write down every negative thought I have about that time period and since and when I was done to read it all out loud and then destroy it, burn it, throw it away whatever. Then to do it again but this time positive, every good memory, time, discussion we had had and I am to read that for 28 days and this will replace the bad points. And this is the kind of thing I wanted really from the session. I wanted some way of replacing all the bad thoughts and feelings inside my head about that time, its hard to explain perhaps but I feel that it is holding me back and she confirmed this (without me mentioning it.)
She said I was facing a crossroads. That I was finally free to choose things that I wanted and I was to ignore anyone and everyone else around me. That Welshy (going back to above point) would come eventually. That within 3-6 months my life would be changed for the better, that I'd be out in the countryside or at least outside of London and I would be a lot, lot happier than I was here.
So. To sum up. Yes there was some things that I felt were good guesswork, body language reading, picking up perhaps on things I let slip unintentionally (perhaps by feeling so emotional)
The drinking water, the rockiness between me and Welshy, the nature side of things, the bullying. Those were things that I don't really see how she could pick up on. Even if she had the time and ability to google me, I don't think drinking little amounts of water is something that can be picked up on!
I will of course keep you all updated if in 3/6 months time I am out of London and if anything deteriates between me and Welshy although I am also consious that having these thoughts may unwisely influence decisions?!
I will probably do the exercise, it is harmless and can only help.
It was very surreal, emotional as I have said and although I don't see myself going again or becoming a convert and wasting loads of money on it, I would be open minded more so to those people who do this kinda thing. Basically an incense-scented therapy session with pretty cards!

  

Had an interview today. Not sure how to read company. Not on any of the frameworks. Spiffy office near London Bridge. Okish money, think I wanted more than they were prepared to offer. 9-5.30. Being near London Bridge isn't that bad though, its only an hour at most from there door to door.
They made me do a spelling test and a compliance test. I smashed the test. Did it in 5 minutes when they said at least 30 was available.
Pah.
I swear one of the nurses information that they gave me was one that I used to know at my first company. Name was familar.
Then rushing back to complete my new signing on application meeting. I specifically said that I wasn't about Tuesday afternoon. Sigh.
Its done anyway.
Not a lot else to report. Just applying away. Something will come up soon.
Oh and me and The Brat are still avoiding each other. Not spoken/seen each other for a week now. Hurrah for being grown up!

Urgh. Welshy is going to be home for a week and then away for another month. I agreed with him that it was ok for me to look for work outside of London.
Starting to fret about my dwindling funds so have started (reluctantly) to do signing on form. Hopefully will not need it.
Went to a Go Ape with E and her eccentric family on Saturday. I wish mine were like that. Taking her mum for a day out. Friendly banter. Nephews, Aunts, sisters.
I have been rejected from any more flucamp trials for the time being which is sad!
I have an interview tomorrow and will be crossing all fingers for that.
V's owner suggested we go hire a show jump arena to play with and I've booked myself another much needed McTimoney treatment.
I have - also and please don't mock - booked to see a psychic, it is something I've been curious about for a long, long time. I am healthily sceptical and I figure to see it more as a counseling session. Perhaps an outsider can come up with ideas to fix the mess my life is in.
Anyway, I shall report back on that and on my interview later in the week I guess.
And after this I shall cut back on spending and save some pennies!

I think this edited version of fb chat is as good as its going to get!
Excitingly this can be scrolled down. Seriously Remember when I was completely unable to put photos on here and had to get an external link for comments? Yay Technology!

anyway i am driving 7-9. why not come back after that and we can talk and get things sorted? I've done my talking you can leave my key in the jerry can and I will let myself in later on thats not really being grown up is it? all i'm saying is the punishment works both ways its not like i'm singling you out It is as am not done till 11 and no to the none rent for a week that can piss right off why is that so unreasonably? unreasonable? surely if the house is tidy then it will never come into effect? Don't really care but am not down with it and that's it but then thats you being childish and not me? i'm not down with a lot of things that happen in this place but i'm expected all the time to put up with it Fine what ever than so. basically i'm expected to tidy up constantly after you? No I've said I will improve on that the the penatly no fucking way but you have to admit not a lot changes ever? i mean you say i did tidy before you had a chance but there was rice all over the surfaces monday and i still had to do a full load of dishwashing and cleaning of surfaces and anyway, it should never be at the stage where you plan on cleaning before me. it should just happen organically as soon as a mess is made, not left to the last minute anyway. you might as well come back we all know mum would get rid of me and let you stay rather than the other way around. she has told me as much, that if you don't come back i might as well go apparently i'm only allowed to stay if so i can tidy after you which is why i got angry. so how about we compromise? we start the rosta. and if in a months time nothing has changed then we instigate the rule yeah? Ok but not saying not pay another's rent that's all this has been about I. The first place for me so just leave the key in the jerry can so when am done I can let myself in and sleep alright so we're agreed. we give the rosta a chance and if its not working then we do the rule? Yer ok not be saying on to the rota rules we can workout when am off work thats fine Chat conversation end Seen 18:24

Such a stressful day!
URGH!
Left for my theory driving test. I planned to arrive with 15 mins to spare and a 7 min walk to find it. Good old public transport let me down. I arrived with 5 mins to find it. Got lost. Did lots of running. Arrived at wrong place. Did more Running. Got there 15 minutes in, unable to breathe, verge of tears and exhausted.
Anyway I passed - by 1 mark - not bad for no revision!!!
Came home and ended up having a steaming row with The Brat. He accused me of being a dictator and a cunt. Told me I was as bad as him. WHAT?!
Threw his house key at me and stormed out. I cried hysterical tears for about 5 minutes and then taking H2's advice have spent the last two hours applying for jobs out of London.
Fuck this shit.

Salzburg was lovely! So pretty and I love how easy it is to travel about there! Nice to catch up with Welshy too. I went and trotted up to the fortress and around Mozart's house and we went underground to a salt mine with slides and boats!
Massive ice creams and the most random zoo!
I came home and instant despair. Two lots of dishwashing to be done. I didn't go to football cos the house was so messy and I was so stressed about the birds not being fed/watered (only one dead and I guess it had been there a while due to lack of head.....)
I tidied thoroughly and then utter despair today to see mess everywhere again.
I cracked. I shouted at him. He stormed out. I made a rosta and emailed it to mum and Welshy. I plan on talking to him about it when he gets in.
One of the rules were that if someone forgets their week then they don't pay rent that week. Considering I don't think he flushed the loo all week I don't think that's unreasonable.
Mother thinks so. Unsurprisingly.
Things are esculating quickly. I expect to find myself homeless by the end of the week......

OH I had a job interview today! More important than before I get a job now!!!!

Just in my way up to the airport so I can go see Welshy. Pretty excited about it
. Yesterday I went to the nmm to see G one of the n.m
M..c.a.s.c (on phone apologies) to drop my ticlet for him to lend to his mate. Anyway. I got there for 12.30 but it was 4 by the time I found him. Too many people to stop and chat and catch up with!
Then a bit of a blast from the past when Flash told me he was local so we had some cheeky drinks and a nice catch up on life since blogging - well since he stopped.
Feeling good :-)

OMG!!! Just realised this is my 10yr blogger-versary!!!
Much love to my old school blogger friends, most of whom seem to have grown away from blogging and who's lives I follow on Facebook now.
Love to the old commenters R and co who I never knew.
And love to the few real life people who I shared this with. Welshy. H2. Red Squirrel.
And love to people I only know through blogging. Weenie, Alecya, Cody Bones.

If there's anyone out there who reads this now who would like to say hi and share in some cake please feel free. I'd love it. I know you're out there.

But equally its cool if you don't and carry on worshipping me from afar.

Pretty busy little day today. Had a gym session - scales say I lost 2kg! Considering I've hardly been last two weeks through a bad back and then leaving my pass at the stables this week I'm impressed with that progress in a month.
I suppose it could be more if I ate sensibly in the meantime. I'm not exactly dieting or calorie-counting but I am monitoring what I am eating with an app on my phone (phones do so much now days *said in old woman voice*) and I find that is preventing me from going to Greggs and buying cream scones!
Not that there will be much visiting Greggs any more! I now have left the national diabetes charity amid much dismay from the team that I worked with. I genuinely think they would have preferred me to stay and I got a lovely card from them all.
Absolute disaster however when Royal Mail lost a passport and wedding certificate that a lady posted to me. Its not my fault and I'm completely blameless but yet feel incredibly guilty about it!
Anyway, after going to the gym I washed all my bedding, woke a grumpy and sleepy tortoise from hibernation and fed the birds. Mum's friend W came over and he took me to the pet shop and I brought a large outdoor pen for him to go and frolic in, I cut some of the grass to go along with it and then dug out a bit of the top soil. Tomorrow or Monday I plan to go and buy some gravel and little plants to go into his pen and then he just needs a new dry house and he will be a spoilt tortoise with a summer home!
Riding tomorrow and all being well it shall be another hot sunny day so I can do some pole work and jumps on my lesson.
Off to Salzburg on Tuesday! I wish Welshy was back today but this is better than no Welshy!

Had an interview today. Went ok, clearly as stupid as the first jokers I worked for. I told them i'd only work for them if it was more than I got with my last job. I clearly aced interview though, we'll see what happens. Am pretty indifferent.
Went to the prescreen of my medical trial, had a blood sample taken now to wait 3-4 weeks to see what happens next.
Welshy isn't coming home next week. Someone he worked with had a grandparent die so he stepped into the breech. I'm gonna go see him though. Not been to Salzburg before so that should be nice. It looks really pretty and I can step into Germany too to wrack up another country. :)
Lovely sunny day today and tomorrow is my last day with the diabetes charity which is a shame. I will miss the bookshops!