Too many tears over the last few days. Both sobbing Thursday night almost hysterically.
Last night he wanted me, I refused. I held him as he cried. He says he still thinks I'm "hot", "cute" "awesome" its not enough. We tried to go out for a drink, it got awkward. Hard sitting next to him and not resting my hand on his knee or whatever.
Trying to act normal through the day. He leaves Sunday night/Monday Morning. I begged him to come back after this two week stint. At least then if he is looking forward to seeing me, then we know. If not then we can move on with our lives. Trying to talk about the practicalities of it all. I told him he was welcome to come back here inbetween teaching stints, I can sleep upstairs. He said he couldn't do that and then I said we need to decide what to do with his possessions. About the tortoise. About the holiday we have booked in July.
We both get upset talking about these things. I can't bear the thought that tonight is the last night I will have him curled up next to me snoring.
My life is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it and if I don't get a job in the next month I will have to give up the horse and that is the only good thing in my life at the moment.