Going on Holidays today!

Yay! Be good all! Be back saturday!

Ian Dowie!!!!!

It was like the worlds worst kept secret ever, ever, ever!
Although I was still hoping Scolari might be unveiled! (hey a girl can dream!).

The main problem I have with this is that Dowie looks suspiciously like Sloth and I was always scared of Sloth.
I mean it guys! I still have problems watching the Goonies!
But I'll guess I'll reserve judgement on Dowie until the season kicks off (got new ticket today -whooo!)

And honestly! What kinda saddo is Jordan? What was that attention seeking all about with the writ?









Sloth from the Goonies.




Ian Dowie.

The Brat scratched his head and stared.

"So I left the house about three hours ago and there was five birds."
"Yup!" I agreed.
"Now there's 10."
"Again technically true."
"What the hell are they in the corner?"
"Mini-peepers!"
"What?"
"Chickens! Well baby chickens. Aint they cute?"
"They're hideous!"
"Why do we have chickens?"
"Well technically I'm only looking after these two, they're going home on Thursday."
"Are the parrots going home too?"
"Well not really, see I saw them in a pet shop and thought they looked fun."
One parrot skidded around at 20 million miles an hour upside down on top of the cage like a bat.
"Well..."
"And I was only gonna get the one see, and then I thought it'd be a bit mean to get one, so thought I'd get the pair and then the woman pretty much begged on her hands and knees for me to take the third and she reduced the price on it too, so I've kinda got a foot and tail for free!"
"So how much was it?"
*mumble* *hundred quid for three *mumble*
He scratches his head again. "Well as long as I dont have to go near them."







The Mini-peepers! They're so ugly they're cute! And they make more noise than all my lot put together!









New Parrots!

So perhaps now I've re-read my weekends posting I owe a little bit of an explaination.
I still reckon I was completely sober all weekend, obviously though, my fingers get a bit drunk, a bit quicker than the rest of me!

So Friday I show up at the aquarium and promptly get invited on a night out. I only possess my work shirt for there, and nice as it is, I can't see it going down well in a pub, especially as its adorned with a large sewn on shark and several badges that I make when I get bored at the craft table.
But luckily K from Swansea, lends me a nice black top and away we go to The Horse Bar somewhere on Westminster Bridge Road.
So yay! We settle down for some serious drinking with other members of the Education Department and The Hallowed Aquarists, responsible for all fishcare and who (bastards that they are) get to hide behind the scenes and never deal with the public (obviously I'm after a position down there, even if would spend all day stinking of fish)
I've not been proper drinking since I met Flash and Spins so I'm well excited. (plus some of the aquarists are very cute!)
Anyway I think I aquitted myself well, nine double archers and lemonades's later and I've outlasted many of the aquarists and a few of the education dept too!
K from Swansea, then decided to show me how she has double jointed shoulder blades, so I demonstrate my famous-hand-that-can-revolve-around-360 degrees trick.
I'm rewarded by a box of purloined matches from the bar.
I demonstrate the trick several times over and my pockets fill up with matchboxes. Then one of the aquarists pinched a box for their fags!
Oh the horror! How dare she?! They're MY presents!
So I instantly fill my pockets up and what to do with the others? Well sticking them down my bra seemed the only sensible place to keep them safe.
Somewhere else along this point, I challenge B from OZtralia in a "show-me-yours-and-i'll-show-you-mine" thing.
Only I claim forfeit cos he had a really hairy chest, which I dislike so I claimed I was too revolted to show mine - incidently aquarists are really boring people! I listened to one discuss his favourite terrapin for 20 minutes and another talk about the problems of feeding the sharks.
So yeah, ho-hum, then I realised that I didnt wanna get trapped in London again and scuttled back of to Waterloo Station, scattering boxes of matches on my way!

Saturday was my mums best mates daughters 16th (follow that?) and we get invited round to a BBQ.
My "excuse" for my behavour was that I was drinking WKD and all the caffine sent me hyper, cos her oldest brothers mate, showed up, with what was possibly the coolest hat I've ever seen since my awesome Wormy Hat!
After Extensive googling, I believe it was this.
Possibly bouncing up to a guy I'd never met, waving a burger at him and promptly stealing his hat might have shall we say, spooked him a bit. He disappeared with the hat and I didnt get to see him again until I had consumed all the WKD and was working my way through a bottle of vodka that I was mixing in a pint glass with orange juice and lemonade.
Looking back perhaps he wasnt eyeing me up, perhaps it was just fear.
Anyway, I launched another attack on the hat, which he tried to hide from me.
Pppfftt I grew up with The Brat, I dug him in the back of the knee and he yelped and let go of the hat, which I ran away with again.
He promptly persued me upstairs into their bathroom, and I tried to offer a fair exhange for the hat, including some of my Aquarium badges, my trainers and my glasses, which I thought was a fair trade.
Trying to hold a door shut by leaning on it isnt something I can do well, especially in just socks, so I was sliding over the floor, they took advantage of this and burst into the bathroom.
I then tried to make an escape out of the bathroom window, only well I'm not sure how but I kinda dented the hat getting stuck, whilst hanging out the window.
Shortly after this my Mother decided it was time we left.

wee! I think i pulled someone wiyh a great, hat, then i btrok the hat cliumbing out a window. so you know fuck him!

Weee!

So yyeah, a good place to hide matches are in your bra.

Continuing this weeks theme of short posts!

Guess how many people I did my second ever talk in front of!

(Answer in the comment box!)

I've been playing with a pneumatic drill! Yeeha! Its as much fun as you'd think it'd be

If anyone tells you that I sat back and watched over sixty pounds worth of stuff get nicked from our shop you'd be wrong - cos in fact it totaled 58 pounds and forty pence.

Yesterday I had to do my first public talk to the public (well dur!) at the aquarium! It was a bit scary, getting in there and finding out I'd been nominated to do a talk.
It went pretty badly I think, I forgot lots of stuff, giggled nervously through it and had problems with the microphone - still here's hoping the next one goes a bit better!

So the 19th of May dawned, the woman dressed and then dressed her daughter and they made their way on the bus to Woolwich Town Hall where the registery office is.
She had no doubts at all that he would be waiting for her and all their friends too, and they were there hungover and tired but she was overjoyed, although hating to be the centre of attention.
The ceremony at 11 am was short and brief and they then all rode on the bus back to the pub that they had hired out for the party.
His best man and Godfather to the little girl, still drunk from the night before, fascinated by the little toy, ball that belonged to the baby, inside was a duck that refused to turn over despite all the shaking and damage that they could cause to it as they rolled it up and down the bus.
The womans father had put money behind the till and they partied to celebrate the start of their new lives together as a family.
Cousins of the man had a whip round to collect money to help start them off and raised about 200 quid and then did a runner with it, but this wasnt found out till many, many years later.
And then it was closing time for the pub, and time for the FA Cup Final (Everton - Watford) so the party trooped back off to their house but they all passed out before the game even started and the baby and the woman were the only two awake for it.


HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MUM (AND DAD TOO I GUESS)!!!!!!!

Once about 23 years ago, a young girl, just nearing the end of her teens was dragged to a shabby, run down pub in Lewisham.
"You gotta come out!" Her sister urged. "Come and meet G, you'll like him, and his mates, he's just got back from a trip to Corfu!"
So she allowed herself to dragged to the pub.
"I'll go and get him!" The sister urged and feeling like a fool, she nodded and waited outside.
There was a commotion near the door and out fell the man with the bluest, twinkliest eyes ever and she instantly fell in love.
"L this is G" Her sister made the introduction and this girl started a hesitant conversation with him, finding him easy to talk to and lots of fun.
He invited her to the pictures to see "Porkys" and despite him threatening to walk out on her with her loud and embarrassing laughter, they had another wonderful time.
They dated for a few months, they were very different people, he very laidback and found fun in most situations, her more volatile and ready to fly of the handle over anything, much like the rest of her family.
One day after a furious row in the pub over a silly trival incident she stormed off barefoot and made her way up Blackheath Hill and onto the Heath to walk home and he ran all the way up the hill after her.
One day her parents had to go to court about a custody battle over her cousin, who had been living with them for some time.
She invited him round and cooked her first meal for him, of egg and chips and it was a night of firsts in many more ways than one.
Shortly after this night, the girl found out she was pregnant.
Her family took the news badly, her father refused to speak to her for months, one of her brothers lashed out physically and broke a chair over her back, the man offered to marry her but she refused.
"No! I want to get married because I want to, not because I have too!"
But he wanted to marry her anyway, not just cos both their families said so, but because he loved her just as she loved him.
They set up home together and shortly the woman gave birth to a girl, he redoubled his proposals to her but she kept refusing.
Then one day when the little girl was three months short of her 1st birthday he asked again, in the car park of sainsburys in Woolwich and this time she agreed and the date was set......

To be continued

I've been to therapy!
*waits for you to pick yourselves off the floor*

It was at Dad's hospice, and I thought I was only going to support Mum as she'd expressed an interest in going but didnt want to on her own, I assumed I'd just sit in a corner and watch telly or something while she talked but I got put into a group with another lad my age who'd lost his Dad and a set of twins only about 16 - poor kids! who's lost their Mum.
Pretty odd really seeing as they'd all been in there the same time as me, and lost their parent a few days after mine and had the funerals at the same place and after mine too!
It was the first day I'd been back there since that day, I didnt want to go around the wards and see Dad's room and bed, it was enough going there and seeing the day room where he'd sit or the car park space where we parked that last morning or the spot by the door where I comforted my Uncle G and spoke to TP and TJ on the phone.
It was a lot better than I thought it'd be though, they didnt hassle me too much and we just chatted about it all, I feel so much better knowing that they hardly/never cry over it and feel guilty too over the fact that they dont think about it 24/7!
Not sure if I'd go to another thing, but I got their numbers (well I had but I lost the scrap of paper! - But they have mine!) So maybe we'll keep in touch and talk stuff over and that.

Look at what I've made so far!!!!!
Its a bit taller than I was expecting cos I messed up my metres/foot conversions and my 6ft tall cage is now 10 foot, but I imagine the birds will like it in the end!

My bed room door wouldnt open...
I pushed it and pushed it and then kicked it. It still wouldnt budge.
I swore at it and pushed it some more.
My brother comes out of his room.
"what the fuck are you doing?" He asks.
"What does it look like? I cant get in!"
He sighes and pushes the handle down - Boy do I feel silly!

In my defense though, having a door handle is a pretty new concept.
While back in uni I came home for a weekend and had a snooze on my bed, before getting up to go to the loo.
I twisted the doorhandle confident it would open as it had done so a trillion times before.
The door handle twisted in my hand and I heard an ominous thud.
I pulled my hand back and was left with half a door handle!
I was trapped! With a need to pee! With no one in the house to rescue me!
It was the longest 2 hours I ever spent in my room, waiting for someone to rescue me.
In that time, anything and everything looks like it could make a passable loo, from the empty pringles tube to the half filled bin!
Gross!
Luckily I managed to hang on till I heard them come home and rescue me, but anyway, thats the reason why I've not had a door handle in my room for 3 years

I've spent the day breaking up rocks to go alround the base of my new project! Tomorrow will be concrete day! Huzzah!

I was chatting to OF earlier and remembering some of our games we used to play as kids, some of them seem a little crazy now!
There was the usual things like cops and robbers, which became an obsession with us for most winters really - darkness = better "robbing" opportunities!
My house used to have a gate and therefore became a jail! which wasnt very secure! I remember one time OF crashing through the fence in an attempt to jump over it!

Every Spring we played "Blossom Town" with the flowers that fell from the big Cherry Tree in the middle of that cul-de-sac. (only the dead ones though that were on the ground, we were very concerned not to "hurt" the tree!
We used to pick one big fresh blossom each day to be the mayor of "Blossom Town" and would "bury" all the old wilting, brown ones in the earth in an area we marked out to be a "Blossom Graveyard"
And yet we seemed to be convinced that piling our bike baskets with the blossom would prevent them from dying if we rode round and round really fast, like the fresh air would revive them!

Another common game, but one that tended to get us in trouble was "The Drain game" We'd find big stones and drop them through the drain gates and attempt to get a splashback up with extra points if you could get the water to hit you!
Another rather unhygenic game we played now that I think of it was with the droppings from the horses at the stables, we'd throw them at each other in a kind of wild target game, I guess its not as bad as it sounds as the horses have hardly any chance to get worms, but still!

All those wild and crazy games, mainly focussing round that tree, like the day we dug up a root and believed it was a dinosaur bone and tried to get it out the ground or the day we broke part of a branch off and were convinced we'd get arrested for vandalism!
Good days, fondly remembered...

So what games do you remember inventing as a child to play?

Wheeeeeeee! There's still a chance for Europe you know?
Via the fair play league! I'm sure I blogged somewhere deep in the archives about the last time we were in that draw so lets hope we make it through this time!
Although, think how much it'd cost me! No! Charbs put that thought out of your head right now!

I've been working like a mentalist lately, did 4 days at my shop last week, as well as my two at the aquarium, and doing 6 days at work this time round.
I complain bitterly about all this work and yet when I have a day off I sit around biting my nails and driving my Mother up the wall about needing desperately to go out and do anything, even if its just visiting Sainsburys.
I guess all that sitting around last year has affected me strangely, cant wait for me to get back to my sedentary lifestyle.
Who are you guys cheering on for the FA cup tomorrow? Its gotta be the Hammers for me, gotta pick a local side! Luckily I demanded the afternoon off of work so I can get home and watch it!

Todays Fun Fishy Fact!

Chiclid fish have oral sex, oh yes, only the females get the benefit though, and males build sandcastles to show off to the females!
Its a bit disturbing when one of your workmates greet you in the morning with that piece of information!

To prevent boredom setting in between now, and The WC I have decided to build an aviary for my feathered friends to play in!
I've almost even talked the Mothership into letting me have a quail oh yes!
Course, if its a male quail, the only name for him shall be Quentin

I fucking hate [insert name of well known health food shop here]

They're bastards, cunts, trampwanky, bollocking, duckfucking twunts.
I can handle getting threatened, I can handle getting the blame when chavs come on the rob, I can handle the fact that the customers drive me mad with their crazy complaints - Oh I really need to tell you about the woman who demanded me to treat her kids rash when even doctors didnt even know what it was, how the fuck am I gonna know Lady? Honestly!
I can handle the fact that I'm still in a borrowed shirt after my uniform was ordered two weeks after joining the company and others newer than me have their shirts a few days after ordering it.
My shirt is sewn back together after every wash and held together with sellotape!
But! What I can't handle is the fact that the cunts are on the rob!
That poxy exam I did to earn commission? I may have mentioned it somewhere...
Well my area manager went through it all with me, so I knew I had passed, then they gave the results back and apparently I failed, and then later that shift told me there'd been a mistake and I'd really passed! Whoo! I thought and eagerly awaited commision which should have been paid two weeks ago.
Well its still not been paid in, so today I consulted my Big Boss Lady who went on the hunt to find out about it.
Well there's no record of me ever attempting the exam on the computer. They're telling me I've never done it and I have two weeks to learn a new exam with the knowledge that I need to get 90% to pass and haven't even been given the shit to learn!
I'm fucking sick of that place! Grrr!
Time to find a new job?

So there we go!
15 years and 729 games later Curbs has left the building for the last time.
I still can't imagine what things will be like without him there, I'd like Burley to take over but who knows?
Incidently the TY'U showed me the CV he sent in to apply for the job in which he had a print out of his Championship Manager game in which he'd helped Charlton win the Champ League!
I'm not waiting for a decent reply!
Who ever the new manager is I hope he has a good clear out.
Get rid of fucking Rommedahl please. I've had enough of him, no more patience, yes he's fast but only when he can be arsed.
And he can take the Crap Bent and Hughes, Euell and Sorondo with him, all players I don't really rate too much.
Chrissy is a awesome fucking legend but how much longer will he manage to keep going? Don't you expect him to collapse on the pitch one day?
The defence isnt that great and the midfield has been held together with Sticky tape ever since Murphy and Smerts left us in the lurch.
Cute thing though to give Curbs tickets to NZ, surely though he'd have time off in the past to either bring her over for a week or too and the money as well? Or am I just a cynical bitch?

Anyway. Its all over now, and I've got another payday to come before I can even think of renewing that Season ticket for next year - The cunts at work owe me at least a hundred quid in commission that I'm counting on to put towards that.

And wait till I tell you my new plan to keep myself occupied over the summer until the WC starts!

Too hot again today, so jumped on the 89 to get the train to the Fishies.
A woman got on the next stop and plugged her headphones in.
A few minutes later, she starts singing tunelessly and happily, about "The Grace of our Lord"
People start staring and i cringe down into my seat, hoping no one thinks I'm with her.
Her toes start shuffling and her fingers clicking and the bus is only at the petrol garage at the start of the Heath.
I stare out the window.
The singing, clicking and feet tapping continue all the way to the station when I finally brush past her and she sinks into her seat with an embarrassed grin when the entire bottom floor give her a round of applause

Ok now lets never speak of this blogger fiddling again.....

I fear the Lurker may be on his way to another banning, he keeps taking drinks and putting them in the freezer, it is nice of him to cool them down, but we have a perfectly well stocked fridge to store them in and customers dont tend to like frozen coke exploded all over their veggy sausages.

You have to spend over a penny to be on the card in our shop, his came to 4.99 so I told him and he went mental and demanded that I change it, so I said I couldnt do that and that he could pay by cash, get something to make it over a fiver or I could look after it till he got some money.
And then he went mental at me, screaming abuse and that so I'm there just trying to stay calm with him and he's going on about how he knows the manager and she'd let him go with it, which is balls.
so I repeated about it all and how we can look after it and he's screaming more abuse at me about how I'm stupid, I'm a whore, I'm this, that and the other.
All this over a penny remember!
And he said something, - niave I think but he used the word in the wrong context and I was pissed off so corrected his english. Which admittedly was stupid but I was angry now at him!
And then he threw it at me and told me I should be scared of him cos he has a knife at home and I should be careful on my way home and stormed out.
Ordinarily I shy away from any kinda confrontation, and it was just my luck to happen when I was in the shop on my own, with nothing to do about it - for reasons I better not get into seeing as it wouldnt be hard to track my shop down!

Wheee! Look what I learned to do!

Now if only I knew how to fix it....