Sunday, March 09, 2014

I have an interview lined up for Thursday and I plan on doing my blood test for this trial as well then.
Mother is home but plans on going away again come Wednesday. Temporarily halting my job search just until I know what happens with this, if I will be locked away for two weeks.
I went up to Derbyshire yesterday to see TP. We had a lovely stroll with her dogs around Chatsworth Estate. Ended up telling her more than I wanted to about all the dramas that have been going on.
God I love the country, so wild and fields and woods as far as I can see when I looked out of my bedroom window this morning.
I wish Welshy could be convinced that its the way forward.
Lovely evening with her, and the dogs and mildly jealous that she can live in such a big house on her own on what cannot be a good wage.
Went across for the FA cup quarter final in Sheffield after that and the least said the better.
Home and there was no food for me, no food for breakfast tomorrow and nothing for my lunch at work.
Instantly putting me into depression.
I feel restless, lost somehow. I am doing this medical trial for me and Welshy. I plan on trying to do more/others. I hate medicine, resent taking my contraceptive pill (incidently its nearly 4 months since I misguidedly stopped it and nothing has happened. Should I go to the doctors? The one thing I'm fair confident about is at least I can't be pregnant but surely something should have happened now? More reason as to why I hate medicines, nasty chemicals in my body fucking it up.)
Of course I will counteract this by saying obviously some medicines are super important and essential but I try to even avoid taking paracetamol for a headache. Yet here I am preparing to lock myself away and be deliberately infected with an flu-like illness and then given some experimental drug to see what happens.
It is safe, I am sure of that. And I may get the placebo control stuff which will be vitamins at most.
Unfortunately I cannot see any way of making a change to the life we lead now and therefore this is the only way to go about it.
Selling my body for science.
I feel changed now. Feel I am even less carefree than I was before. I need change. And this is as good a way as any to make it happen.

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