Reasonable day out.
Not so reasonable return journey when train got diverted and train driver didn't let anyone know so ended up in Sidcup when I could have got off the train and still got the 89 at Lewisham.

Annoyed. Walked Dog. Stole money from Brat to treat myself to Chinese - I figure its ok as I do all his cleaning for him and generally keep the house in a reasonable condition.

Tried a run. Bit of a fail as really have over done it with the leg today. Still managed a 2k in 20 minutes. Hoping I can do it in a bit better time on Wednesday when my leg is a bit more rested.

Is it wrong that I'm a little upset that One Night Stand Guy messaged me to wish me happy birthday but my ex of ten years hasn't?
Isn't that the way its supposed to go? Or as its still supposed to be friendly between us you wish someone happy birthday? Don't know. Too confusing. Definitely a little pissed off and upset about it though!

Damaged my leg again running. Bollocks.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I booked the day off of work but now I kinda wish I was going in. Hit by bad case of the mopes.

I'm lonely. I realised that a long time ago. Long before that One Night thing in May. It's not so much sex I miss but its having someone having my back, someone to talk to after work and someone I can whinge and moan to when I've had a bad day and someone I can tell the silly little adventures I have.

I don't want to be single this time next year. I don't know really how people go out and meet people these days.
Even a friend with benefits situation would be better than this. That's not going to happen with any guy I know. Not with One Night Stand Guy.

I fear two of my male friends are crushing. I don't want this. Don't want them. Lolly is coming with me tomorrow on my day out. Is it wrong that I don't really want anyone around? That I don't want him there on my birthday? It makes a mockery out of everything I have just written above there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into situations that ain't there. Maybe I should just be glad of the company. Maybe he doesn't think like that. God I hope not.

Welshy is in Morocco. Then he will go back to Russia. I miss him. I miss our friendship more than I miss him as my partner. I drunk messaged him telling him as much. He never bothered to reply.

He is a stranger to me now and I spent most of that week in Russia crying as I didn't want that to happen but now it has. Alone and its so much harder to deal with than it was ten years previously when I had no idea of how to live differently. I think really that has caused a large part of my mopes not just the usual birthday depression. He has moved on and is happy again. I'm what? Stagnating? No. Last year was stagnating. Not going out. Isolating myself from my friends. This year I am a fucking social butterfly compared to that. Treading water? What am I doing with my life apart from still living in a place I hate, caring for people who always expect me to look after them but never realising I need help too.

I will not be single this time next year I repeat fiercely. But who am I kidding really?

Tired again.

Been a crazy week at work. Someone had a stroke! Never seen anyone so ill looking in my life! Thank God I remembered the GP was in upstairs.
Started training for our muddy dog run in September. I thought I was reasonably fit. I am not. I need to be able to run 5k. I can barely run 1k.

Last night we had a grand reunion of NMM staff. Not as many people came as I hoped but some of the old school lot that started with me did and it was good to replay that summer of 07 when I seemed to spend every weekend in the pub.

Got home at 3am and then up at 8 to go dog training. I should have done the horse too. I feel really guilty that I blew her off although its not so much of a drama now she's on full livery and I don't need to do mucking out.

Instead I went to lunch with some of the boys I used to go drinking with and then we hung out in the park. I feel so tired and definitely had a bit of a hangover this morning! Great night though. Gotta try and be careful now as its still a few weeks until payday and although bizarrely I have money still this month and I've brought all kinds of things it won't last the entire month and I do want to go see some museum exhibits on my birthday.

This week I definitely dont have much to talk about. The fear of wearing the dress has been removed as not enough people wanted to do the Russian evening.
I am a little disappointed in this - not the dress wearing side of things but it did sound epic fun.

instead there's talk of a murder mystery party at Port Lympe animal park in October which again would be loads of fun but i'd either have to come back afterwards or spend about a billion pounds on accommodation in their little hotel.

I dont really wanna go home as that means not drinking but neither do I have a billion pounds for accommodation!

I've made a huge fuck up and not actually ordered two of the attractions for this years fun day at work. Looking forward to the fall out from that tomorrow......

Been very tired today and not looking forward to going out bat hunting later. I just want a nap! Putting some of this down to working overtime yesterday although I was home by midnight and asleep by half past I guess!

Not too much to report on this week, been business as usual.
I realised not only am I down to £500 left to pay on the credit card due to the cock up, I also should have paid off one of the loans by March next year. Maybe sooner as the interest is also going down as I pay it off. So I'm predicting March, but may well be February (too much to hope for that it's January) and when that's done that'll be an extra £144 I'll save a month, so of course that will either go on clearing the original credit card if not already cleared or on the 2nd loan, although I only pay a piddly £40 a month on that, but sooner that's gone then yay! an extra £180 quid a month!
It's frustrating alright, but I needed the loans at the time so I can't think badly of them but will be very much more exciting when I have that spare money.

I booked the Athens part of my holiday with some overtime money that I got this month, and i'm hoping to do at least two of the hotels needed for island hopping in August and then it's just September to go and then i'm there in October!

Dog was promoted to a faster team yesterday for a competition. She ran really well and they were unlucky to finish 5th I thought, but double her normal amount of points to go towards her next award!

May well be promoted again for the next competition in August so if so then we'll definitely get the award in September. She's having a nice doze on the sofa next to me now.

Mum is getting 10k as a payout from my Great-Uncle dying and it will be interesting to see if any of that comes my way. After being broken-hearted that she only gave me 1k out of the preliminary 86,000 she was given for Nan and Granddad dying I'm not getting hopes up, but another 1k would remove the stupid Original Credit card debit and pay off the holiday.

The flyball team are thinking of having a russian themed (?) night out for Xmas (Can't believe thinking about that already in July) Sounds ace, with casino and disco and dodgems. Downside is that  believe its formalwear and *gulp* that may mean a dress.....

work has been a bit shit but bearable, looking forward to my time off in August.

Ha. A minute ago I thought i'd have nothing to write about but actually I do!

Too tired to do it last week so apologies.
Once again we had a flyball comp in Peterborough. The team ran really well and we were unlucky not to finish in 1st place but 2nd is pretty good as once again we were seeded 6th.
Took ages to get home - I dropped one of my teammates off home and it was 10.30 by the time we got back.

Monday I was walking the dog in the field where we normally go and I got taken out by another dog. I ended up going to the hospital Wednesday and it turns out I have damaged the ligament that runs along a knee and the tendon above my ankle.
Been hobbling ever since. I had a funny side effect to the painkillers the hospital gave me on Friday. Got really dopey and hysterical.
I spent most of yesterday watching the cricket and dozing, made it hard to sleep annoyingly.

Did flyball training today and my leg is achy but not as bad as feared so hopefully we're getting better!

Just checking in before I head to bed. This week work wise has been ok. Had to go in yesterday to run a bar. My boss royally cocked it up though and I'm wondering tomorrow how she might make it my fault. Not good when I find out I need to try and get Monday off so I can drive back from Peterborough as dog is racing Sunday.

Went to quiz as usual on Thursday - I had my 98 Playoff final shirt on as just been to keep fit, ended up at the end talking to two lads who were very excited about discovering I was a Charlton fan.
My friend Lolly who I was with however, was lurking unsure if he was needed to step in if I didn't want to be talking to them and also as I'd promised him a lift home.
Shame as it then stopped it developing any further.

Went out with him and some other NMM peoples on Friday evening as one of my friends is retiring. Somehow this week I've been charged with organising a 10 year reunion.

Just got back from a flyball comp, we were seeded last in our section but all dogs ran fantastically and we got third place.

Now trying to motivate myself to do my spic homework and waiting for the dryer to finish so I can go to bed.

Been a bit of an up and down week at work.

I tried to do a balance transfer on a new credit card and royally fucked it up. Sigh.

Last night I started to organise all of Welshy's things in preparation for him coming to collect them today. Only 18 months after we split!
Was feeling restless and mopey and that didn't help. Drank some wine and thought fuck it. Booked myself flights to Athens in October.

Such an idiot! I was struggling to find money to buy toothpaste today for Gods sake! Took the horse hacking today with another lady from the yard. We were out for hours! She was so good as well!

Had hoped to catch up with Welshy but he came while I was out and took his stuff and left. I don't blame him for this although I'm hugely disappointed. His brother had driven from Wales specially for it and as we discovered last week, its a hellish thing to do.

Its so hot out there today!

I drove to see TP and TJ, poor TP. The growth has doubled since diagnosis three weeks ago and they're rushing forward with chemo.

She's being so brave bless her but is also so worried about it. I hope I managed to distract her slightly.

Also got chance for quick catch up with H2 which was great but again I wish I could have stayed longer.

I really don't know how Dad managed to do it in the same day. Went up Thursday and drove back Friday and it nearly killed me!


Supposed to have been paragliding yesterday but spent most of 4 hours sat in a field waiting for wind to pick up, gave up at 5pm and went home.

I'm going to see my friend Babbs in a bit for a quick pint as that's what hot Sunday's are made for!

Discussed it a bit more with One Night Stand guy - will need to give him a better nickname if he sticks about.
He'd clearly be up for more casual nothingness. I'm not. Different if anything would come from it but its not gonna happen. Although I kinda feel like i'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, I know that I'd end up getting feelings. (Hell they're kinda there already. -can't be honest here, where can I be?) and then end up getting hurt. Didn't that happen (minus the sex) with BB all them years back?

So we're back mocking each other and acting like nothing has happened. Kinda odd lol. Least I've made a new friend out of it!

TP has been given the sentence of 6 months chemo and then an op. I feel so helpless, they're so far away. 164 miles away to be exact.

I'm going to drive up there with the dog Thursday. Spend the evening with them. Drive home Friday. This is the longest drive - bar the weekend I spent at Welshy's I'll have ever done. (205 miles) at least that I drove up Thursday, drove home Sunday. Bit more of a gap.

Not looking forward to it, looking forward to seeing them. Looking forward to the surprise. Wish it could be longer but need to do the horse and *gulp* potential paragliding Saturday.

Did I tell you about the paragliding? Yeah. Was supposed to do it over the bank holiday. Not enough wind so it was cancelled and I had a one night stand instead.

Seriously guys. That paragraph above. What the flying fuck is going on in my life?
This is such a year of adventure compared to last years broken nothingness. Not even sure i'm any better off money wise but still... ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

I tried to engage him in conversation twice this week and failed.
Hung out as normal at flyball, it was kinda obvious it was a one night thing but being the idiot I am I had to push it, had to ask him. Said he hand't thought about it all that much since.
Left it at that. At least I know. Still no regrets though, although I think I would have liked to have developed it a bit more. I doubt that'll happen now. Feel a bit cut up about that. So much better to be a blow up doll or a man - less feelings involved.

Busy day today, did horse, washed bedding, cut some of the grass, weeded roses, cleaned house. walked dog AND fitted in two naps!

TP finds out tomorrow what her options are. Will have to remind myself to text her and find out.

I don't really know what's happened this weekend.
So there's a guy that I speak to at Flyball, he's alright. Not my usual cup of tea as he's a bit fit and I like cuddly guys, we've spoken off and on this year, just casual passing the time stuff.

Anyway our Flyball team organised a BBQ, it was loads of fun, silly games, a bouncy castle and lots and lots of drink. Lots.

Come 11.30 and we're the only ones still up, so we sit and talk, and drink, and talk and drink and then he says he wants to sleep with me. There and then.

Not too keen on that idea but then its 5.30 and we end up fooling about in the back of his car. He then goes to sleep and i'm left questioning my life choices, attempting to nap in the back of my Focus and looking after his two dogs that we kicked out of the car.

Anyway, he ends up messaging me later in the day and I've just woken up and come back from a hotel in Bexleyheath.

I'm not seeing this as anything other than what it was but 16 months is a long time to go without and if guys can do it, then why can't I can do it - taking obvious precautions - then fuck it. Judge me all you like. It's not something I'm going to make a habit out of that's for sure though. I'm too old for this shit.


Anyway. It's taken me all week to process the fact that the wonderful, lovely TP has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She's 33. Next Friday they make a plan as to what to do with her. I can't imagine what she's going through and I've been there

First week without boss gone ok I think. We'll see how we get on this week.

Bit of a horrid end to my week when I took V and Dog out for a hack. Went very well, happy little trot about the fields but then on way back Dog went into neighbours field and got stuck by chicken wire, before I could turn V about to take dog back to the chicken wire free bit she bolted into the yard and got attacked by a staffy type.

Horrid. All I could hear was her screaming and by the time I got out of the bridleway there was Dog on floor being shook by Staff. People booting it and kicking it and it had just locked onto her.

V thankfully stood like a rock for me but all I could do was call for Hero. She had two little puncture marks but went a bit downhill yesterday which made me really fearful for her.

but after a hairy few hours I managed to get food and painkillers into her and now she's ok. Took her to flyball but didn't run her, just checked her reaction to the other dogs and then up to the yard for a mooch about.

It tired her out poor old thing and she's slept most of the afternoon, took her for short whiz about the field to meet other dogs and check reaction there and although wary she's ok, sleeping again now though!

Mother has been home this week on jury service. Tiring having her here but also nice to have a human to talk too, even if its just constant exhaustion.

I'm trying hard with her, to be more tolerant. I just think we will always rub each other up the wrong way unwittingly.

Horse a lot more settled in new home this week, had a potter amongst the field, had a small jumpie and some reasonable canter leg yields. Wish she'd settle enough to let me organise tack while on her.

Took Mother and Dog to paws in the park for friendly flyball comp. We got eliminated for running too fast! ooops!

Been talking to a new friend online, a guy that comes erratically to flyball, will anything come of it? who knows? He's nice enough so either way a new friend.

Going paragliding in two weeks and my boss is now off for three weeks having an op so hoping for an easy time of it.

Not too much to report about this week. V got moved to a new yard so I've been playing down country lanes. Bit on her toes but today was the first settled day. I'd like to try and take her for a hack in the next week or two.

Mother is back for jury service. Almost right away she was putting me down in front of the neighbours about the state of the house and garden. I try my absolute best, I really do but there are only so many hours in the day.

Wants the 100 quid from me, that she promised me for missing out on overtime to get her and him last time they were both back. Forgotten that one.

I got a parking ticket. yay......

Dog and I have been in Wycombe flyballing over weekend - second place. Yay! Saw red kites! Wowie!

Flyballing all this bank holiday. So tired now. Think we'll both be off to bed early!
Hero ran amazingly, we got a 1st place in our open and today she was obviously really tired and struggled a little, dropping the ball a few times but still tried her heart out for me.

Big tea for her and now she's dozing on the settee with me. We have two more competitions over the next fortnight.

I decided to celebrate next months ending of my credit card by signing up to go paragliding.

You only live once etc....

What is it about bank holidays that make a return to work seem even longer?
This week has been a drag! Went on a training course on Thursday, that broke it up a little though, I did some early morning cleaning Wednesday and Thursday.

V is moving again. This time we are all tagging along. Up and down thoughts about this. Hope it goes well. Lucky me gets to be the first to sit on her in her new home and she's bound to be up on her toes....

Had a good lesson today and that makes me sad as instructor doesn't travel, so now to get used to someone else's way of teaching and the nerves of riding in front of someone new!

Been doing a fair bit of gardening this week, repairing and weeding the damage to Dad's "fuck you cancer" shed. Brat has been helping and i've encouraged this, better for him that sitting about drinking.

Paid Friday and its going to be a fucking tight month, but on the good side next month will be the last payment of credit card debt Hurrah! I then have two loans and the overdraft to pay off.

So focus on the overdraft as the loans take care of themselves and once that's done I can then try and use some of it to remove a loan? I dunno. Just concentrate on that credit card and then one thing at a time Charbs, we're getting there, a lot slower than ever hoped but its happening and that's the main thing.

Super tired!

Been pretty much babysitting whilst at work this week, which was a bit annoying. Thankfully it was Easter so Friday off!
Did V and then drove Dog and myself to Winchester Services as cheapest hotel I could find to Hampshire ready for comp on Sat.

Another early start for that and she ran really well. We actually got in trouble for running too fast! Was very tight and came down to a 3-2 defeat which left us in 2nd place.

She then decided to wake me up (thanks. *rolls eyes*) at 6am for a wee the next morning and of course its bright outside by then and I couldn't go back to sleep so we drove back to see V ride and muck out and then home.

These long trips really seem to take it out on me as I'm still shattered today, despite a lie in until 9 and another hour long nap later that day.

We spent today clearing the back garden, filled up two wheely bins and the back is looking far more presentable. Still a long old way to go though!

Early night I think as have two days cleaning in the morning Wednesday and Thursday. Will have to be there at 5am. :( super sad about that but trying to focus on the little extra money) and of course its only two weeks until the next bank holiday!

So last week was mostly made up of cheesecake.
I foolishly volunteered to make one for work.
So that meant making a practice one at home, then a practice at work and then the real thing. Twice.
I'm sick to death of the sight of cheesecake and yet have offered to make it again this week! Foolish, Foolish Charbs.

Went to look at a new home for the horse and us to move to. Fantasies now of hacking out after work in summer sunshine. Reality is probably death and destruction as she panics at the sight of a leaf.

so tired this weekend!

I reluctantly took up an offer of a night out with some people from work. Ended up leaving a flat in plumstead at 2.30 slightly giddy on wine and vodka.
I tried my first bit of weed too. Not sure if I did it right. Didn't feel any different. Hurrah to being grown up at 33 and experimenting with what most people try in their teens!

Anyway I got in at 2.45 and God i've struggled all weekend. Not hungover, still don't really get those but so tired. Dog doesn't believe in lie ins and had me up at 7.30.

Another thing - I'd forgotten about the stink of stale smoke and had to wash my bedding and hair before being able to take her out.

Woke the Tort up from hibernation and made a cheesecake - practice as I've managed to volunteer myself into making one for work.

Didn't feel much more with it today, especially when I went to flyball training and managed to ignore all signs saying road closed and tried to turn into the road.
Stupid Charby. Then a long detour to try to find another entrance. Hope its up and fixed for next week.

Nice little jumping session. I'm really starting to feel a lot more confident over reasonably sized X-poles but still chickened out of the upright. There's talk of moving her to a yard with turn out and good hacking which i've missed. Although she's a cow to hack.

Didn't get home until 2.30 and then slept! Still really quite tired now. I've never been able to cope on less than 8 hours sleep and definitely growing older as struggled all weekend with it!

Busy week here. Maybe not as bad regarding credit card as thought. Busy trying to figure out how to change it over to the new interest free one I've got.

Mother has been home this weekend. We went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was pretty good although I did want the cartoon voices.

Not sure if Welshy has a Russian girlfriend or not. His Mam and brother have been out to see him and she posted fb photos (no girl in them) about how nice it was to see Welshy and "Elena". My stomach hurts at the thought of this and I'm angry about how my feelings are betraying me, I realise it was for the best, but fuck it. Why couldn't I be the first to move on?
Impossible when I never get the chance to meet anyone.

Dog all good. Jumped the horse which was good. First jump at proper height in nearly 20 years - not that 70cm is a proper height but its a start! Work - boss has been away this week. I fear the fallout tomorrow.....

Been a busy old week here.
in process of changing my credit card over to one that's interest free after last weeks bombshell of having spent over the loan and that I had a lot more to pay off than I thought!

I want to do the same with my bank account and that's going to be a work in progress come Wednesday payday.
11 months interest free would be super useful!

This weekend we (I and Dog) drove to Peterborough for a competition. She ran really well and shaved a few seconds off of her optimum time. I would LOVE to get her down to under 5 seconds. We'll see.

Had a nice meal with some of our team mates both Friday and Saturday, there's a guy there my age with a dog who comes irregularly. I tried to imagine dating him. Failed. urgh.

Mothership comes home Thursday for sommat or another and I won a raffle! Yippie! I never win one and its a 50 pound gift card that was free entry after signing back up for contacts.

So very tired today driving home, didn't ride in the end had a long old nap with dog curled up on my lap.

Did a few jumps with the horse last week, almost looked like decent sized cross pole at the end and now to build on that and start from scratch with an upright and then move to my nemesis the oxer (two jumps close together and jumped as one)

Next comp is over Easter. I said I wasn't available for the Sunday so hoping to get selected for Saturday or Monday. Failing that next one will be Bank Holiday.

Went on a bloody pointless training course today, supposed to be about learning management and leadership skills.
Failed to learn either. Still. didn't have to go to work, didn't have to be in Wooly until 9.45 and was home an hour earlier than normal.

Last night I thought it'd be fun to do a "on this day" looking back through my blogger posts for March and back.

Some of it was fun, memories of drunken nights with friends in Derby, o travelling adventures some of it was sad reading about Welshy and how much fun we used to have together and then how it all died. Some of it was utterly heartbreaking remembering Dad and those last few months together.

I read too of awful comments Mother made and I find myself doubting the words I've written. Did she really tell me I was too stupid to take a job? Did she really, repeatedly tell me how awful I am compared to the Brat. Did she ever pay back the thousand pounds I've lent her?

My posts at some point changed from full of hope, that I would one day free myself from this, make something of myself, to bitter resignation.
I no longer have hope that I will do that. Life that keeps me in London, the economy that makes it impossible for me to live in London independently has killed that.

Perhaps it went when I lost the job in Bedfordshire. The final nail on the coffin when she failed to make good on the promise that I'd have some of the inheritance. I kept a foolish hope that one day Welshy would pull himself together and help me get out of this mess, but yet I always planned how I'd keep the both of us, knowing that nothing would change.

 I just have to keep on treading water, those debts are slowly going, Only 600 pounds left of a one time 2,800 credit card debit. I can pay that off in 6 months if I do a 100 pounds a month. I can pay it off in three months if I can carry on the 200 a month I'm currently paying back.

Then to focus on the overdraft. I can do this, not sure yet of the best procedure to do so. and then next August the bank loan I took out will be done and I can rebuild. 16 more months. Then who knows?

Well I do now know. I will be here still. And I will be here in another 10 years.

On/off week back at work. Manager is applying for funding to create a new role and its something I'd like to go for but a) the self-doubt creeps in as to whether I'd actually be suitable or able to cope for it.
b) the funding only lasts for three years. I have no intentions on being unemployed at the end of three years as stands to reason that my role now wouldn't still be available and would have gone elsewhere.

V has had a bit of a cough this week and therefore we've had a bit of a slump after last weeks high of how well she was going, can't hold it against her nor let it get me down.

I did shit loads of planting yesterday, spent far too much money in the garden centre, created a new hanging basket for the porch and planted candytuft, begonias, a mixed planter and a raspberry bush.

I'd toying with the idea of getting a planter for carrots but we'll leave that I think until payday at the end of this month as I've got a hotel stay in Peterborough for a competition weekend after next and really I should tidy the patio up so I can plant them and carry on battling the weeds in the front garden.

Tomorrow I am attending a leadership and management course. We'll see if we're able to put any of it into practice.....

I've been off this week, as part of Mother's inheritance she decided to put some money into doing the porch. (our old porch has been without a door for at least 8 years).
Of course as benefits my life this has not been without its dramas.
Monday 8am they arrive and cheerily inform me that there has been a cockup and the scaffolding needed wouldn't be arriving until lunchtime and I was to call them then.
So I took dog to Greeny Park, it was a glorious sunny day. The first of a week of sun I hoped and we threw sticks, met some nesting parrots and had a lovely walk.
The scaffolding arrived at 1.30, so as requested I called them and left a voicemail. They called me back at 3.30 and said it was a bit late to do anything now and I'd see them Tuesday Morning at 8am.

Tuesday morning and as stated they were indeed there at 8am. I left them cracking on and took Dog to Lullingstone. Not as lovely a day but we still had a nice walk and a yummy cake and hot chocolate after. I got home about 12.45 and workmen were gone, however they have destroyed my tulip border.
I was struggling that day to be perky for some reason and took this quite hard. I have slowly been taking more and more of an interest in my front garden, removing slowly all the weeds and brambles and having grass reclaim it.
The tulips I'd originally brought for Nan and Granddad's Grave. There was red ones and white ones and some that were red and white petalled. (Charlton colours obvs) I was getting excited about them sprouting and hoped that only two or three weeks more might see buds arrive.

Wednesday no one came. I sat in until lunchtime then gave up and took Dog to Oxleas Wood where we had a muddy walk and then came home and a shower. Mother hinted that they might have called her but it was 1am her time (currently she is in LA) I rang through about 2.30ish and discovered that yes - despite having given them my number and landline they had ignored that and rung her instead.

Thursday - (bear in mind that the work was supposed to be Monday-Wednesday only) The man arrived shortly after 8am. 10 minutes after arriving he knocks on the door and very apologetically tells me that its been measured wrong and won't fit together. He promises to give me a call and return later that afternoon or early Friday. I don't hold out much hope for him returning that afternoon and I was proved right.

Friday no one came and we went to Foots Cray Meadow for a sunny walk along the river, bit annoyed that the weather had only just turned to sun again and this had also scuppered my plans to do gardening and aviary cleaning although I was still disheartened by Tulip Massacre.

I rang again mid afternoon and was told someone would call back - which they did! They promised to arrive Saturday and said that they had only just got the replacement parts.

I was pleasantly surprised to see him arrive Saturday and he cracked on throughout the day only leaving at 3.30 as weather was changing and promises to come on Monday when I am back at work to finish off the gaps around the edging.

This has been a bit of a crappy way to have a week off as I've done very little due to weather and porch dramas. I also found that I can't have my planned week off over May due to my boss needing an operation and being off for a month. Busy now trying to re-plan this as I'm determined to go.

Been a busy old week here. Work has been pretty full on but in a good way - had my appraisal today which went better than this time last year!

We did a flyball contest at the weekend - our team came last but hey ho, its all a learning curve for us and best of all it was an early finish so I was home by 6.30!

The weather has been shit, and not the good kind of shit, its been horrid sleety snow thats tried to settle and failed. V did look quite pretty with the snow melting into her forelock and mane though as I rode Friday night.

The Twins are coming back to visit me in June, it has been decided. They would like to see the Trooping of the Colour I'm not too fussed but it'll be nice to see them. Will need to look and find a nice walk/adventure to take them on.

I am planning my first solo holiday island hopping in Greece, but I had planned for June as it would be cheaper and nice weather so we'll see now...
Was definitely gonna need to book it up in stages to make it more affordable, but we'll plan that out come next Wednesday as to whether or not I have big enough balls to book the flights.

I forgot! Been now a whole year without Welshy in my life. Well just as a friend. Bizarre. We still catch up once or twice a week.

Nearly failed in my new mission of blogging at least once a week. 

Rome was lovely - at least 10 degrees warmer than the current vile -2 here! Saw so much more of it than last time's whirlwind tour with the Mothership.

Lolly good company as hoped and no awkwardness. Took train down to Pompeii and did that thoroughly as well.

Gave me a lot of possibly false confidence about travelling alone, currently trying to see if a trip to Athens and some island hopping might be feasible come June. I also am thinking about Romania in September.

We'll see..... 

Hoping it warms up a little here, no fun walking the dog in the cold and the poor horse has been trapped in her box as too cold to turn out in the field and too hard to ride in the school.

Off to Rome tomorrow, hope it'll be fine!

Dog did her first comp of year, fucked up one heat but still finished 3rd.

I tried a face mask tonight! Remember how cool it was to do the PVA glue thing on your hand at school. Peeling it off was just like that!

Back to work and a little sluggish getting myself back into my routine. Feeling a bit guilty about that. Poor Dog has been not coping without her early morning walk, but she hates the cold, and its been bitter ice the last few mornings.
I got contacts! That was another part of my little image change, well its not really a change as I have been like this in various stages of this Blog's life but hey ho!

Work has been fairly positive. She's talking about how I need to step up more and take more responsibility. Which will lead into perhaps a better title and hopefully more money, but we won't raise our hopes.

Me and the dog have registered to do a 5k muddy dog challenge in September to raise money for Battersea Dog and Cat home and E has suggested we also in the same month attempt a 100k walk for charity along the Thames Path....

Of course there's only one charity i'd wanna raise money for and we'll just pause *here* for the moment and wonder just how the fuck can it be 11 years yesterday since that awful Wednesday when Dad went away.......

So our annual end of year review.

GOOD POINTS - No one died this year. Well no one I know despite 2016's attempt at destroying people.
I still have a job.
I still have the dog and the horse.
I am slowly wriggling out of debt - another 26 months to go! God I wish I'd taken the loan sooner.
Russia - despite breaking up with Welshy, it was lovely
Exploring various places via flyball and the dog

BAD POINTS.
I am desperately lonely.
I am still so very, very poor
Its another lonely New Year and work again on Tuesday and the usual pretence about having had a good time, I feel like I've wasted this week of free leave somehow.

So as normal FUCK OFF 2016 and Hello 2017.

Its not been too bad a Christmas so far, The usual bout of lies about what i'm doing, going up to see the horse, walking the dog. I've been painting the upstairs hall and I think one more coat should do it. I was hit by a pang in the bottom of my stomach that made me feel sick when I saw that Welshy had been with his friends in London and not been to see me, but I remind myself there is no need for him to do so now.

I cut my hair off. Well I got a professional to do it. 6 inches gone and now we sport a casual little bob, I got my contact lenses back, just a pay as you wear type deal.

And here I am starting my vow early to blog at least once a week. I might have a nap now. That's the best thing about Christmas. Two weeks then I go to Rome!

So Wednesday when I blogged, I was hit by a fit of loneliness. I'd gone to bloody ASDA just to be around people, clutching my Yankee Candle and repeating silently. Fiercely. I am not Lonely. I am not Lonely.

Yesterday was a better day, I find my depression - if that's what I've battled all these years - to be hit and miss like this, up days and down days. Of course now with the dog I cannot let it win like I used to. I cannot simply spend the day sleeping in bed. She needs me. I must get up, I must get her breakfast and dinner ready, I must take her for at least two hours of exercise throughout the day.

So it manifests itself in other ways, aimless fantasies about how satisfying it would be to be fully independent, to reject Welshy should the unlikely occurrance of him suddenly appearing at my door from Russia and telling me that he had made a huge mistake.

This is another blog post for another day. The sudden realisation in the summer that, I had fallen out of love with him a long time ago, and my grief was the grief of losing my best friend and the fear of being alone. Well I'm alone now, and I was alone before him and I was alone when he was away. So what's the fucking difference really?

So Thursday after work I made a really nice (even if I say so myself) bacon and mushroom carbonana, I started to paint the upstairs hall - context - It has been bare plaster work for 6 years and I tidied the kitchen and I did some writing.

I kept busy. I mean I am busy every day, dog walking, work, horse riding, Spanish, tidying up after my brother's filth. Flyball. But focused busy. I have a plan.

Today I took the afternoon off. I made an appointment to get contact lenses again. I rode the horse early and then came home, made another pasta dish and did some more painting. I booked an appointment to get the brakes checked on the car. I can afford such things now!

I am taking next Wednesday off. Then we close on Friday for Christmas, I was dreading it a little, all that time with nothing to do but drift aimlessly. I have a plan.
The dog is overdue some nice long walks. I have not had my haircut in two years. I am going to book a real appointment in a real terrifying hairdressers. I realise my outdoorsy lifestyle means I cannot have too drastic a change, but I'm going at least to get a trim and be baffled by words like feathering, and layers, and highlights and lowlights.

I will finish painting the hall, at least the first coat. I will do some necessary repairs to the aviary. All being well I shall return to work, with new hair and new eyes so to speak! A minor image change!

And then I am at work for two weeks and then I am going to Rome which I did promise to tell you about and I shall explain the circumstances behind this soon.

But now, in my upcycle of motivation. I'm going to tell you my new years resolutions.

1 - I will sit the DELE A2 exam finally. February or April.
2 - I will blog - if not every day, at least once a week.
3 - I will go on at least one foreign holiday by myself.
4 - I will write that story, and see what happens with it.

I set myself various challenges to achieve before 30. Some remain and will probably remain uncompleted, like having my own home, yes I can speak Spanish but I do not class myself as fluent, I would like to reach B2 level before I would class myself as that, that may take a long, long time, but I am shitloads better than this time last year, this time two years ago. Fuck I'm a shitload better than 4 years ago when I lived in Spain.
Most took longer to achieve than I planned.

Tomorrow People. I will tell you about my planned trip to Rome.

There are good days and bad days in my life, and I expect there this will continue with battling the bad days more than the good but I have to remember that I am a fucking awesome human, who has seen and done some pretty cool shit and that should be enough to get me through the bad days.

In November I went out to Grotty - first trip in 6 years. I tied it up with a Spic course - actually had conversations - however stilted with people! Super chuffed with myself. The course I found harder and harder as the week went on although it was stuff I had covered.

I scuba dived as well and that was pretty cool and it was bearable being with them and then Mother came home (she has just gone again) three weeks later.
She has been given a preliminary payment from the wills of 68k. Remember how she said that I could have a third of whatever she got?
Yeah she forgot that. She said she didnt want to give me anything as she didnt want it wasted on paying off debts.
The debts that I got into after getting sacked after looking after her and being the go-between between her and her ridiculous family.
I cried. I have had to visit the pub up the road to go to the loo when I couldn't afford toilet rolls, had to choose between repairing shoes with holes or buying enough food for the week. I who blow a stupid amount of money on repaying loans and credit card bills and buying items like bleach, and lightbulbs and bin bags despite the Brat earning more than me, he refuses to spend out on anything.
Remember when the job centre refused to give me any money because I went to an interview rather than go sign on, despite giving them all the proof needed?
Remember when they told me I could get an emergency loan and then pay it back out of the JSA?
Remember when I took time off of work to support her in Court after their trumped up excuses and taking time off of work to go see Nanny?

Yeah. I do. I have had the thoughts of 20k - hell even 5k would clear my debts to keep me going for the last two years. And then it got snatched away.

She did  - to be fair - give me a thousand pounds. That's a 1/3 of my credit card paid off. And I was never mentioned in the will and therefore I cannot say or do anything. I am not my family. I will drag myself out of fucking debt my own way and if it means my only hope is now gone, then so be it.
I am not as fucking broke as I was this time last year having to accept a food parcel from E and P's mam.

Hell I even brought a Yankee Candle tonight and if that's not burning money I don't know what is!!

Xmas is coming and i'm feeling goddam lonely, but that will be a post for another night - including how I managed to book myself onto a flight to Rome which I realise makes a mockery of above or alternatively shows how I've managed to free myself so much that I can book these things. Maybe this time next year I could consider a longhaul flight although doing so alone frightens me.
But again a post for another day.

I've felt very guilty about the gaps in blogging.
I miss venting on this.

I took a bank loan to clear my overdraft. I feel really good about this, bizarrely its a good move (I hope) yes I've dipped back into it by about 200 pounds, but I got things I have been waiting and needing for ages. Like new back tyres, like new bedding (mine was more hole than sheet), I bought more food than actually needed so I can start to replenish supplies.
I was quite cross that there was a week in August that I bought a pack of four loo rolls. When we ran out, I literally had no money to replace them. We went through them in a week. I bought a back of 16 this month. We have used two. How do you figure that out?
Now I need to remain sensible. I obviously have to pay it back, its spread over 16 months, a realistic figure to pay.
I still need things. New brake pads are the most pressing outstanding item, but I'm going to do that in the November pay run. I've been picking up little bits of overtime each month - each little bit would be enough to cover the months repayment, but its still a doable figure should I not get that bit of money.
In February I foolishly booked flights to Grotty thinking I would be out of debt and could afford a Spanish exam and intensive course. Well of course thats not the case, but I'm going to use this months little bit of overtime to pay for the Spanish course and Mother and TMWMitW are going to also chip in for it.
Its such a weight off of my mind knowing I can buy food now, and not necessarily yellow stickered food.

 I bought daffs and tulips for the Grave, its made me sad to think of it neglected, and I thought that, being annual plants it would be ok but I've since found out that there are plans for a whopping slab of stone over the top. So I started to dig over the front garden. A project that has been neglected since we moved in - Sometime around 1998 - Its a hard slog and I struggle to find time, but I plan on planting a border and hopefully getting some turf to make a lawn.

I want to tell you the story of my Grandparents. I'm thinking of signing up to ancestory.com or similar to see if I can find out more.

It is hard now that there is no one to ask - but they were of the generation that didn't talk of their feelings or emotions - but theirs is an interesting story, of child-loss and working in mines and being sent to fight in Korea, of mother and baby care homes.

I will make it in Word I think and then it will be easier to edit and then I shall record it here.

The dog is doing amazingly well at her flyball. I love it, I love her. The horse nearly got sold and then came back again and now L has realised she needs more than she is getting at the current yard. I am currently losing riding mojo- I always do at this time of year when the nights draw in and the thought of mucking out and riding in frost and dark for months and months is almost too much to bear.

TP and TJ visited and we saw the Harry Potter Play. It was good, the effects made it really, storyline a bit naff but I'm keeping the secrets for those who haven't seen/read it.

Welshy is back in Russia. He was home for a bit over the bank holiday but now is gone again. We still talk semi-regularly, send each other Facebook links to things that may amuse.

I am starting - no I am lonely - but I dont understand how people meet people nowadays, nor how people have time for relationships. I made a timetable tonight, to try and use my time more effectively. I have genuinely scheduled weekend naps.

I don't particularly want a relationship either, but I want the person who has my back bit. Someone I could talk to about everything and anything, that endless conversation.

until then I have ice cream and I've learnt to make cheesecake and I have a dog asleep on my lap, what with that and vodka, who could ask for more?!

So the days roll on. I sometimes get lonely but I am busy.
V's owner has a list of people she is trying to set me up with. The Flyball team suggested someone.

What am I supposed to do to these people? Fall and grovel at their feet begging that "yes, please set me up with X Y and Z. Oh God anything to stop this loneliness."

Instead I smile politely and feign interest.

My frustrations mostly come from not having the money to celebrate doing what I like, like holidays. But whatever. I buy what ice-cream I like now instead of having to find one that suits us both. I'm gonna go to a heavy horse show on Saturday.

I carry on with my life pretty much how I did before. Yes sometimes there are satisfying fantasies about finding someone, or him coming back to me, but i'm happy enough on my own.

Meanwhiles the probate/will row rumbles on. The copywriting issue rumbles on and I await the results of both.

Gotta say how much i'm loving Wales in the Euro's. Obviously cos of Welshy I've watched a lot of their matches over the last nine years and this is the best I've seen - especially that game against Belgium!
Have a cheeky quid on them to win the thing - 66 to 1!
Also loved Iceland, super sad they're out. Least said about England the better though!

Welshy came back, was a little odd but nice to see him. Horse was broken for a while but is getting better now and we've had a couple of really good lessons.

My laptop has been on the verge of death for several weeks, there have been many things I've wanted to talk about but the fan overheats and then it dies.
However - hurrah - today I got my nice new fan ordered - thanks Amazon! - and we're cooking on gas again.

So we've been out and about at flyball competitions which drag me all over random parts of the home counties all weekend. We've been riding lots, I'm tentatively thinking about registering myself for an A2 DELE exam which is basically the equivalent of a A grade GCSE.
Work is ok, busy organising our next fun day. I went and spoke to the representatives at Greenwich Council about saving a field that I walk my dog on from development (Greenwich sadly is no longer green and lovely, it is developed greatly from when I started this blog and tower blocks are everywhere and no infrastructure to cope.) Somehow from this I became the elected Treasurer of a local residents association.
Mother is embroiled in more legal action regarding Nan and Granddad's wills, it all rumbles on. It is thought that all children get 60k, not sure if this includes inheritance tax, so a bit less than the 100k we initially thought but beggars can't be choosers!
Theft, libel, harassment are all flung about on a daily basis. I snapped and gave them all a peace of my mind and then threatened to do them for harassment separately if they continued to pester me.
TMWMiTW is busy trying to find out if one of his songs was copied by someone else who made it rather famous (all I can say on that really at this stage) and I'm made to write them letters to solicitors and deliver it.

The Brat remains a millstone around my neck, between all the above and the daily walks of a minimum of 2 hours that the dog needs I somehow am the only person who cleans and tidies the house, sorts out his dirty washing - or at least removes it back to his room from where it takes up residence about the house, I go on treasure hunts to find plates and cutlery so I can wash them so I have something to eat off of, I buy out of my meagre wages all the necessary items for a house, bin bags, bleach, washing up stuff.

Welshy has been in Russia for 2 months. He comes back to spend the night before going to Wales and then back down south to Folkestone. In March he moved all his stuff back to Wales and it hurt.
Yet we remain civil, we talk nearly every day as before, although obviously not as much. Not sure what it will be like tonight. We will see.

H2 did a flying London visit, was great to see her and TP and TJ come to visit in a fortnight and we're off to see the Harry Potter Play. Super excited.

I voted for the first time! Unfortunately it was not a positive experience. Leaving the EU. I am awaiting Gestapo boots on my street demanding passport checks.

It is all very interesting watching it unfold, I am trying to remain positive about it all and hope for a huge fall in house prices to something that I could perhaps one day afford and the return of passport stamps every time I bumble over to Europe.

Life goes on and at the moment it is sunny, I am taking a break from cleaning the house to watch England/Australia in the rugby and later I am going to get excited cheering Wales on in the Euros.

Not the biggest fan of Liverpool FC I think their fans are whiney and deluded but once a long, long time ago my housemate started taking an interest in football and Sheffield Wednesday FC. She had no idea of what Hillsborough represented and I insisted the first time I went to a game with her that we found the memorial and she asked whether it was the fans fault and I tried to explain that we might never know, but everyone knew really it was the police's, the stewards, those in charge on the day.
I've been to many games at Hillsborough, both in the home end and in the away end and I've tried to visualise that day. But you can't. No one should go to football and not come home. No one should have had to wait that long for the truth to come out.
Reading the reports today, watching the footage and it makes my heart ache and even makes me close to tears. 
Justice has been done at last. 

Phew- Blogger went a bit mental for a few days and I have been unable to post.

So he moved back to Wales last Thursday. I kept telling him he didnt need to go. He kept insisting that he did. I think he has realised now how hard travelling about for his job is from there though!
He is coming back next Friday and then probably back to Wales from there.

It's hard to think about but yet surprisingly easy how we have slipped into just communicating a few times a week, instead of almost every hour. It still breaks my heart and he is on my mind a lot but yet life goes on and its almost normal. I am grateful that we have always been a bit "long distance" as it makes this easier to bear but I am still lonely without him. I guess its the missing the contact and companionship more than anything else.

Dog went for her first flyball. She was overwhelmed and frightened by it all but tried so hard and I was so pleased when she did it for me on her final run.

Horse is going well.

I am still so poor. I have for the last three months concentrated on paying off my credit card debt and it is so frustrating this time of month when I still have 11 days till payday, my bank balance reads 0 and yet I have 215 pounds (alright its not a lot but its a start and I have dipped into it a little this month as the dog threw up in the car and I needed new jods as well as having it cleaned after). I can only access this for card payments. I cannot withdraw any nor transfer it into my normal account. I guess this is a good thing as it does make it harder for me to blow it but at the same time God it's frustrating.
In 11 days time though I shall be rich again (I HATE living payday to payday) and I can move enough over to make it up to 400 pounds of debt repaid and then even if i inevitably break into that at this point next month I will still not use all of that and its a slow, slow crawl towards financial stability!
Only another 2,400 to go and then I can work on the overdraft!! So should be debt free by oh I don't know 2020?

In a way its like he's away - which technically he is.
There's been a couple of moments which ache my heart. Like now. It's now been nearly 36 hours since we spoke and this is normal I tell myself but this is the longest we've gone for 10 years without communicating. I guess this is an unwanted record that keeps on growing. I rarely speak to my other friends weekly - I consider it keeping in good contact if I do it fortnightly!

I'm slowly starting to tell my friends, although less than three or four know at the moment. Its still I guess a bit of a hard thing to admit.
We spoke before he went away. I pushed him away a lot, always worrying that he would let me down, trying to protect myself from getting hurt (did a bad job there) being flippant, making him do all the running when it came to him visiting me because I was so insecure. (probably not much better now tbf) of course that hurt him. What i'm trying to say I guess is that I realise neither of us are blameless. We're not the people we were 10 years ago, not even 3 years ago. I still remain hopeful that the contact will stay however.

I'm just going to throw out here now that TMWMitW wrote a song a while back, he now suspects that this song was stolen and recorded by someone rather famous. Legal advice is being consulted. We'll see what happens there.

Still no news in regards to my inheritance.

Sunday was awkward. We didn't really speak. Monday he told me he was going back to Wales and he did and returned last night.
I ended up weeping to my boss at work about it on Monday but now the shock and pain has died away a little and perhaps he is right that it is for the best.

He is back now and today we walked the dog in Greenwich Park and he talked about how his brother is coming to collect some of his things.
Although things he doesn't use often. I guess he is slowly going to move himself back up there, although I'd love him to stay here, I realise that might not be possible.

So we endure, we start planning a new life away from him. I've booked a week off at Easter and am toying with the idea of taking the dog to Hampshire for the week if I can get a cheap enough deal. I could see CL there too, it has been years since I saw her last.

They are in the process of selling Nan and Granddad's stocks and shares. We have cleared their house now. I hope that when that's done, the inheritance can be sorted and we can move on from there.

Mother seems to think it could be done by the end of the month. I'm anticipating April.

I'm planning my first ever solo holiday - it will be a treat for when I clear 700 pounds worth of credit card debit or when I get my share of the inheritance. It wouldn't be far or long. Just a long weekend in Europe somewhere.
Everyone has to start somewhere and when I have enough courage about going away alone then I can try long haul. To the places I've always wanted to go but Welshy hasn't been keen. Canada. Australia. We'll see what happens. Obviously I need money first.

I've been trying to do some research into what to do with it. I'm hoping for 25k once all is said and done. Unfortunately that's not enough for a home of my own in London or even the outskirts of NW Kent which is local.

I'm considering the idea of buying a place up in Derbyshire and renting it out. At least I can then have some additional income and should I become unemployed for any reason again I can sell it.

We'll see.... knowing the way my luck goes. I'll be lucky to get 25p and be here this time next year attempting to get out of my debts still...

I loved St Petersburg. Russia was cold - not as cold as ancipated - but so, so pretty. The architecture especially the churches, the winter palace and the Hermitage.
We explored, got caught in a snowstorm, stumbled over ice. Ate pancakes, swam and made use of the sunas and restaurant where i ate in pitch darkness. I really recommend it to anyone and I'd love to see Moscow now.

Welshy and I broke up, its been on the cards for 2 years. We tried to do it in November. 10 years of friendship, 9 years dating and its over and that's quite scary.
He stayed in a different hotel to the one we booked. I spent the evenings alternating between hysterical sobbing and loudly bellowing out break up songs.
I relied on him to keep me strong for so long and he relied on me, and now its stifling, we don't talk any more.
He will be back upstairs in mums room this week and then away for three with work.
Then who knows. I don't want to lose him at all but today and the silence around each other has been horrid so perhaps best he moves out when he can.

During the day i can make grand plans and tell myself i will be ok. In the evenings i crumble and i wosh i was stronger. I am frightened of life without him - he has been the only person to care about me for a long time and life alone seems strange but i am so glad we don't have kids or a place of our own or any commitments past the animals.

I remind myself that what will come will never be as hard as what i have endured and i cross my fingers that, that is true and i will continue to endure.

Bit later than planned but here's my 2015 roiund up!

It was a meh year. Which the older I've got, the more I realise that's a terrible thing to say. I spent the first two thirds slowly paying off various debts and now I'm working on that credit card. (300 quid paid off out of a 2,800 debt!) so we're getting there slowly, and then can work on the overdraft. I would like it to be quicker but at the same time I've made as many cutbacks as I can although I know that I could do a LOT more such as stop riding but I have to maintain my sanity in this house somehow.

I also travelled this year - again not as much as I'd have liked but I went to the Baltics which were surprisingly pretty. Copenhagen was a bit of a disaster and took a long time to get the compensation back for that. Helsinki was a bit "meh" and very expensive so I probably could have done more if I had money, but I didn't so hey ho.

I got a dog! That was an amazing upside. I have bored everyone on Facebook with endless pup photos and statuses. She makes me laugh daily. She is great company when Welshy is away and encourages me to go out and not sit at home eating or being bored. I have spent a lot of the last 11 days thinking up adventures for her and we've been clocking 9 mile walks!

I have continued riding and I'm definitely better than this time last year. I had a huge confidence knock but I've learnt how to sit rears, hold a bit of a contact, how to wobble my way over 70cm jumps with vague competency, I learnt how to feel if she's lame.

My Nan died. This has led to the usual dramas. URGH. House clearance was slightly awkward. Obviously Mother and Boy were completely useless for this and as always I had to pick up the pieces. I can't wait for it all to be finished!

I've carried on learning a little Spanish - not sure if its improved at all and I've spent the last 11 days teaching myself half-hearted Russian in preparation for my trip at the end of January.

Work is ok. Sometimes boring, sometimes manic, sometimes frustrating. I'm learning lots and sometimes spending my days playing facebook games. I'd like more money but I know more money doesn't exist and I technically got a pay rise when London Living Wage went up.

Me and Welshy are drifting. Are we falling apart? I don't know. Maybe this time next year we won't be together. Maybe we will. I'm not too sure what to say about this or even how to process it in my head, although I'm not falling apart about it as much as I was last year.

My goals for 2016 are as simple. Carry on clearing the credit card and overdraft debts. I'd like to be at least out of the credit card debit by 2017, of course there is the hope that I'll get something once Nan and Granddad's wills are sorted and that would clear both!

The remaining goals from before I turned 30 remain. To have my own home and my own horse. I'd like to reach 30 countries this year travel wise (current total 26).

I'll try and be better with this as well.

So happy new year if you're out there.

Xmas was ok. I rode, I walked the dog. Skyped Mother and made a roast dinner for me and The Brat.

He ate his in his room and that was the last I saw of him all day.

I've been doing 5-7 mile walks most days.

Went out with work people on 23rd. Got absolutely cunted. Threw up twice when I got home. Out to see Lovely tonight. Urgh. I hope my year of enforced sobriety hasn't destroyed my ability to drink. I had the worst hangover (and I don't get hangovers!) the next day.

Simply ages between blogs.

Life is busy. Spanish lessons, work, riding, puppy (she has started flyball classes and loves it - first comp next Easter), quizzing...

I didn't renew my season ticket. I am glad of this - can you imagine me putting this when I started this blog?? I can't afford to go, I don't want to go. The football is appallingly bad. The way the club is run now is appallingly bad.

We are going to Russia - St Petersburg in January.

I think me and Welshy are splitting up. I don't know. To be honest I am not as affected/heart broken about it as I was last Summer.
He says he loves me but he isn't in love with me. He has moved upstairs to Mum's room, night times are awkward and I find it hard to go to bed knowing he is upstairs.

He has realised that he has - at times - treated me quite badly, to be fair, he has always been there for me for stuff like Dad, Mum, Grandparents, Sackings....

But yeah, he's never supported me in my attempts to leave home, even though he knows how much I hate it here. Even doing his best to scupper attempts, he doesnt pay rent or contribute like he should and I had to point out to him that it is me who does 3 walks a day with the dog while he sits about in his PJ's.

He is depressed/battling depression and I get that and I think this affects his thinking.

The finance officer at work has been away for a bit and he has been stepping in to help out, he says the work is boring but he likes the wage - a substantial amount more than I get per hour! In fact he could do 3 days a week and be on the same salary as me. I am as much amused by that as I am hating it.

I don't know what it will be like to go to Russia and stay in the same room/bed if we are broken up.

We've spent nearly a third of our lives together and I told him the thought of losing him completely from my life kills me. He is my best friend. He knows more about me than anyone else, more than I even put here on my top super secret diary.

The change from best friends to lovers was slightly awkward, and I'm guessing the change back would be just as awkward, I'd prefer him to stay here, upstairs. I don't know how much longer he'd be needed at work but if he became a proper staff member that would be preferable to him going back to Wales as has been mooted.

I am just leaving him to make his mind up really. If he stays then there must be support for me, as sad as it is, I am 32 living at home. I want my own place to decorate and do as I wish and not have to tidy up or even flush the toilet after my brother (who is 30 btw) and fret that he has come home drunk and left the gas on (as he has been known to do).

Tomorrow is the end of an era as I go to Nan and Granddad's for the last time and collect the dolls that were left to Mum in Nan's will and select a few more items that she wants.

I have had to be the go between for this. Mother refused to speak/email them directly. Even to ask them for the items I wanted.

I hope that this means things are moving forward and once the house sale is completed then the inheritances could be sorted. The house has gone for (I believe) 80k. Plus stocks, shares, accounts and life insurances I think everyone could get 100k. Mother said that she would split 50k between me and The Brat. Its not really enough for a deposit,
Who knows? I need at least 5k to clear my debts, which ARE going, just not as fast as I'd like. I am thinking of using another 5k on the horse I've always wanted. Leaves me with 15k.

I will have to take advice on what to do with it. I don't want to waste it but I have no idea about investments and shit like that. We'll see. It may well be a lot less. If I just got 5k to clear my debts I'd be happy.

I have reached my year anniversary at work. (well from my temping days anyway) I still like it, although sometimes it's frustrating and exhausting. We had a panto company come and there was some panic over if we'd make a profit from it or not.

We finish for xmas on the 23rd and I'm looking forward to two weeks of chilling out and just riding and walking the dog. It will be me and The Brat again. Let's see what happens.

There wasn't enough money for the funeral. Everyone was to contribute 600 pounds. This caused a shit storm.
"How can there not be enough money?"
"Because Granddad's funds have not been released yet and there was a fucking 10k court case"
"I think there should be more than enough money. Perhaps the Courts would be interested to hear this, and know that L (mother) had a holiday to Las Vegas booked."

FFS.

Anyway, money eventually got released from Granddad's funds. The funeral went ahead (the coffin was rather spiffing - if a waste of money) They tried to speak to me I ignored them and left as soon as was polite.

It has rained a lot, I have done some Spic practise, Welshy has been home and now back in Austria. We took puppy to a dog festival and she caused a screaming scene in all the dog show competitions for Welshy outside the ring.
She loved flyball and search and rescue and chase the lure have a go games.

We did an agility have a go, and were just a bit too late to have a go at a working gundog scurry have a go.
Went to the stables today and poor V pulled a shoe while riding.

So lets update as I feel the situation on here is stupid enough to need a full update.

• The death certificate was wrong. As in the wrong maiden name and date of birth.
• Before registering the death (a full 6 days after she died and three days after telling mum it wasn't for her to do) they went to the care home and demanded the 200 pounds that she had in her pocket money account there.
• They arranged the funeral for Sept 14 - 35 days after she died as they all have holidays booked.
• They want the most expensive coffin as "mum deserved the best" which is a shame that they argued that she didnt need to go into a home, didn't need one to one care after her fall earlier this year where she broke her hip.
• They want to take the coffin on the Woolwich Ferry. I have no idea of the logistics of this.
• They had to change the date to Sept 15. They realised that there is no money for a funeral as the care home fees are 60k. 
• Granddad's will is now - 20 months after his death - being sorted. 
• They realised they cannot use Granddad's money for the funeral, no one else seems to have money for a funeral.
• They told Mum that they are not happy with her using Nan's money for the solicitor after the court case. This is even though the solicitor was trying to get the will sorted so it could go to Nan. This is about 5k.
• They demanded all of Nan's accounts, they clearly didn't believe the court judgement that nothing untoward has gone wrong and also the finances up to Nan's death. I expect there will be some fallout there.
• Nan and Granddad's house was up for sale briefly at 475k.  I know of one account that had 10k in, another that as of Jan last year had 17k. There may be others. There is life insurance, there is stocks and shares. I think best case scenario is that the estate is worth 600k. There are 6 siblings. Is it worth all this drama and hassle? I'd be well away if I was given 100k. Apparently it is worth the drama.
•  We still have no idea who has paid the council tax and utilities for Nan and Granddad's old house. My cousin has been squatting in there since Granddad died. Judging by the above do you guys think they'd let him stay there out of goodness of their hearts? Do you think he's accessing money from another account? Its entirely possible!
• Yesterday I found out that my uncle I has got the police to investigate my uncle M who is a will executor and although not whiter than white in this whole sorry fiasco is the last person I'd expect to be accused of embezzlement. M is a solicitor. His entire career is now in jeopardy. Is throwing your career away worth 600k at most? I can't imagine so. 

I think that's everything guys. I'll update as and when more drama occurs.....

It was my birthday. I turned 32. Nan's funeral is scheduled for the 15th of September as they all have holidays booked. So she sits rotting in a morgue for 36 days. Everyone is fighting over money. I even have vague dreams about what I might get and then feel a little bad.
We had a community fun day at work that I organised, it went well. Welshy is in Serbia and I had a very bad day yesterday.
I have done some small gardening and went to Willowtree. The lady who owns it is selling up so we went for a last look.
Nostalgia. The first place I made friends, Like P and E. A place I have known and felt at home since I was 6. The place that inspired a lifetime of horses, memories of mini-adventures, laughs, sadnesses, horses that I've known and loved, tears and loss and regaining of confidence around horses. I always thought it would be there. I hadn't visited in I don't know how long. 2009? 2010? The place was run down, hardly any horses, hardly any staff. Standards slipped - never ever would we have left an empty haynet in a stablefloor with a horse.
I hit a car at the stables I visit now. I fear it to be an expensive insurance job - apparently both sides of the bumper need replacing not just the side I hit?
They all had a party there and I wasn't invited. I tell myself I don't mind but I'm a little hurt I didn't get invited. My paranoid self tells me its cos no one there likes me. Real me tells me to stop acting like a child and oversights happen.

So Mum went to register the death today.
Only to be told by Uncle D that it was nothing to do with her, that she wasn't to interfer and he would make all the arrangements and to pass over Nan's finances immediately. Oh and the funeral would be at some point in September as "we all have holidays booked".

Mother went hysterical, flew back to Grotty this afternoon. I'm here to pick up the pieces as always. She took my house and car keys with her.
That's a bit of a nuisance really.

My Nan died today. I think in this blog's entire existence she has been a distant figure, definitely demented and causing all sorts of issues before she went into the care home and I'm finding it hard to remember what she was before.
Amazing Knitter, Good painter, Land Girl, Dog lover, cake maker. What now is called a Health Care Assistant, Someone who comforted me when I was terrified of the Original King Kong film, someone who fed me awful mashed banana sandwiches.
Her and Granddad would take us to Kent and we'd go fishing, butterflying, making jams from brambles.
She lost two children before she had Mother and had a breakdown and in those days that meant a stay in a mental home.
She was probably illegitimate, left school at 14 and worked in a children's home.
6 Children (surviving) one adopted daughter, fostered another child - of which I am named.

Apart from me and Mum not one of the others have been near her in Months. She went a little ill a fortnight ago, Uncle J popped round, stayed for 20 minutes, the others requested to be kept informed by phone if there were any changes.

The nurses checked on her in the night and found her "unresponsive" they called a paramedic. The Paramedic attempted CPR. Mother and the others were called. Mother was there at 5.40. She left at 10. Not one of the others had been there.

Uncle D sent mother a text informing her (As we have no contact with them they have no reason to know she has been in the country) that she is not to interfer with "the body and leave the care home to make the arrangements"

It was a shock, an expected shock, we thought despite the dementia she would go on for years. Their attitude has been appalling and documented again throughout this blog. Will they get guilty? What will happen now? Nan's estate is still not sorted from Granddad's death last year, More waiting and seeing but I'm glad Mum was here at least and not in Lanzarote.

I really get quite tired of talking about money on this.
Welshy paid me 44 quid or rather agreed to pay my share of the council tax in return for me doing some work for him so Wheee! I thought, this will be an extra 44 I can then put towards clearing the Housing Benefit. So I paid off the last 150 quid, knowing this would make the rest of the month a struggle.
That was Tuesday. I signed up for my competition - more on that later, and have been living on a strict budget ever since, buying food from the discounted section at Asda (other supermarkets are available).
Then Friday puppy got a seed lodged under her eyelid, a rush to the vets, 130 quid later and she's fine although rather grumpily agreeing to have antibiotics twice a day.
So while we wait for the insurance to pay out Welshy covered the bill, and I ended up paying his council tax as well as mine to balance out the cost.
Oh and Boy still owes me 51 pounds for his share.
We got a letter this week taking us to court AGAIN for non payment of the council tax - I paid early last month cos of being away on holiday and missing the due date, boy couldn't/didn't want to pay then as he got paid a week later, so agreed to pay his share then.
Apparently he forgot, so we got a 7 day reminder notice. He told me it was done, later. No more mentioned until this letter comes for non-payment. 44 pounds has turned into 90 pounds, he claims he did it - won't give me the reference letter.
Mothership went into fits of self pitying again - saying if only we'd let her move TMWMinW's son in, I don't want a stranger in the house, Boy is incapable of flushing the loo or even aiming correctly, I do all his plate washing for him and tidying cos otherwise I'd be eating off of paper plates - and yes I did this a few summers back so I know he won't do it, just leave it around to get mouldy and flies everywhere.
How could you move a stranger into that? And how does that solve anything? He grabbed me by the throat for goodness sakes a few months back when I asked for the money he owed me. All moving a stranger in would do, is just reduce the amount of money he owes people. Mother is convinced he is on drink/drugs and we should make allowances, so yeah. once again I'm the baddie for daring to suggest that she throws him out.

More money problems - I need to get the car brakes/tires sorted before it gets MOT-ed next month. I can't do anything about that, because of the above, because I'm also waiting for the flight insurance to get back to me about my delayed flight.

Mother is moaning to me about how if I don't get it done it invalidates the insurance if it fails the MOT, maybe if she wasn't insisting I drive to Wandsworth tomorrow to drop off some package I'd have spare time to investigate this, maybe if I had some spare money I could do this!

Onwards and upwards.
Did my competition. She got rather over excited, little bunny hop rears which makes me nervous, forgot the course, was rather tense, still got 61%, not bad, last one I did was 62% so would have beaten that bar my error on course.
Jumped fine, I look awful in the photos, she got rather excited and jumped around shouting "wheeee!" each time, I pointed, aimed, and tried to remember that it was impulsion not her running away. When I did forget that, we got a refusal on the 2nd part of a double fence.
Last fence was my bogey fence - the Green Parallel of Doom. I was full of adrenaline, didn't even consider her stopping or that I wasn't keen. She skidded to a halt last monent, I had no chance to regain my balance and went off over the shoulder - eliminated.

So not a good day really but in a way yes - I would have gotten a better dressage score if I could have a better memory than a goldfish, and I did my first ever showjumping course and didn't panic when it went tits up and almost finished and L V's owner is merrily talking about us doing more.

Met Shorty and Flash as well that day! Went to the NHM and Rainforest Cafe - Flash paid so no expense there bar travel! (yay!) And so nice to finally meet her after a 10 year friendship!

These last two weeks have been tricky money wise. However I hope tomorrow (payday) to finally pay back the housing benefit they gave me and then from next month I can move on, that extra 50 quid a month will come in handy - I do need to give the Mothership 400 though for car insurance, but i'm hoping that if I can put it off for two/three months, then i'll have a solid base to start from or to rely on when I give it to her and then struggle on.

This month will also be tight as the dog needs spaying and various bits on the car need updating before its serviced and MOT'ed. But i'm not going to think about that now. The important thing is that I do that final housing benefit payment and sort the car out and by all accounts although it will be a bit, not as much as I feared.

Work is going well, we revamped a room and hope to organise it as a hub for older people in the community. Looking into funding for a Dementia Clinic - obviously this is something close to my heart what with Nanny and Granddad being sufferers.

Trying to plan a summer Fete as well - will be a nice community thing and raise our profile a little.

I have my last probation review this week (apparently the trustees ask that all employees have a monthly review) and I hope it will go well.
I remain hopeful that at some point they will open up an assistant managers position and I can apply for that and be boosted by the improved wages. I feel groomed sometimes, my manager tells me things I'm to keep in confidence and the meetings I hold I sometimes feel are more than what a normal administrator should do - although also well aware that this isn't exactly a "normal" administrative position! If any position like that came up, I doubt it'll be this year!

V is going well and I'm going to try Combined Training again this month - it will be my one treat out of the strict budget I live in.
The puppy is getting spayed Tuesday - Christ alone knows how we will keep her from going crazy during the two weeks she is to be still.

Welshy comes home tomorrow from Russia - I was thinking about this time last year and his breakdown. He seems recovered but I am prepared now for this to happen again.

I'm meeting Flash and Shorty on Sunday - if I can work it around the competition. Will be super hard to live on my budget then but at the same time I've "known" her either through this or Facebook for 10 years so not meeting her is really out of the question!

Life plods on, I grow slowly older, I veer between utter despair of clearing my debts and hopes that I can still do it by the end of the year, but its summer and that always gives you a boost!

Went on a tour of the Baltic.
Vilinus Lithuania - Dead pretty, nothing to do.
Riga Latvia - not as pretty, more pro Russia, visited a water park and a museum of oppression. Guess what was my choice and what was Welshy's? Very much designed for Stag dos.
Tallinn Estonia - First time in airbnb. Enjoyed it, also pretty, more to do, less stag do-ey
Helsinki - why the fuck do you think people only want to drink carbonated water/water with salt/water with calcium in it? Mega expensive.
Copenhagen - bus system is a joke, Central station smells of wee. Little Mermaid statue small.

Back to work now. Puppy was amazingly happy to see me, made me all squiffy inside :) would be nice if she calmed the fuck back down now though....

So I did my combined training class. The Dressage went well. I fell off Friday before on a 70cm Parallel and i'm still suffering from that. So we refused the parallel in the class and I got eliminated.

I tried to get the money I was owed from Brat. He screamed abuse at me. I screamed back. I thought he was going to hit me.
He stormed out. I tried again a few days later. I only needed 40 pounds to get through the month. He owed me close to 200, I asked for the 40. He grabbed me around the throat and tried to throw me out the room.
I stood my ground and made it impossible for him to do so. I still didn't get my money for a fortnight after that, he told me I should get rid of my animals and stop living beyond my means.
Yes. If only we could pick and choose when we choose to pay rent and council tax, if only the housing benefit people hadn't suddenly decided I need to repay the money I had from them last summer.
If only the other people who wanted the dog paid in and did their share of feeds and walks as they promised.

This week Mother was home, I collected her late, put up with her strop when I refused to take her back to the airport at 2am the day of my competition when I had to be at the yard at 7am.
I ran around like an idiot for her, trying to fit all her demands into my day - what with puppy school and riding and spanish lessons I literally have only Monday and Saturday to do anything for myself.
She made me a chocolate cake.
This afternoon I got home to find that someone had eaten the last two slices, actually to make matters worse they'd only taken bites from the slices and left the rest.
She laughed it off and promised to make me another. Seriously what is the point? I told her about how he treats me, she told me she felt sorry for me and we've never mentioned the subject again.
What am I to do?
I no longer look forward to holidays cos I fear what state the house will be in and what I have to tidy when I get back, I fear what of my animals will be dead cos he can't be bothered to feed them, fuck only knows what will happen to the dog in the next two weeks as I can't find a sitter.

I've worked since August pretty much and am no further into paying off my overdraft or credit card because I'm constantly paying off other debts and at the moment paying apparently for Mother to go to Vegas, I've just had to find her and him the best flights and do the ESTA for them.
She whines that she has no money but yet leaves bank statements lying about showing she has 4k in savings. Informing me I need to find 500 pounds for car insurance. Which I get is my fault as I'm the one driving it not her, but urgh. So much resentment.

So much depression in knowing i'll never escape this.

Cruising along. Still stupidly poor - if it wasn't for the council tax and housing benefit nonsense i'd be 600 pounds away from the end of my overdraft. If Boy paid me what he owed me then I'd be currently 80 pounds away.
At the moment i'm 9.30 away from it. Payday is next Wednesday. I'm depressed about this. I've lived on a strict 70 pound a week budget most of the month but yet I don't seem to be getting anwhere.
I want to go on holiday. I want to renew my season ticket. I can't afford any of these things

Puppy starts classes on Wednesday, Welshy is away currently and I've signed up for a combined training competition with the horse. We jumped 65 semi-well over the weekend. I'd like to get up to 70-75cm and do the one in June as well. We'll see.


I went with Nan to get a bone scan done after her fall. Poor Nan, she couldn't cope with it, sat in the chair in a little world of her own, humming and with her hands over her ears. Tried to escape from the xray room. And yet those idiots say mum is cruel by denying her days out with the home? None o them came or showed any interest in going to the hospital despite standing up in court and lying that they had a plan in place for when mother couldn't come, and that she was shutting them out. They all had two weeks warning about this, none of them even had the decency to say "sorry, we're on holiday."

Wankers.

So we won.
A pretty hollow victory. It should never have got this far and gives all the signs onlf it being just 1-0 at halftime.
We got there at 9 but didn't meet our barrister until 10, mis communication meant he didnt know we had arrived.
Despite being told it was only to be uncle I and mother inside, all of the fuckers showed up. I kicked up some fuss so they allowed me in as well.

The judge allowed I to have first say but kept interrupting him to ask him to stick to facts and not suspicions.
All of them tried to have their say though. They were mostly ignored.
I held mums hand, tried to ignore both her and my shaking and increasing anger. It is one thing to read lies, but to have them presented to a judge as facts is another.
It mainly boiled down to three things. That mum had failed to inform them she was doing the deputyship. We had a chain of emails where they had all discussed that mum should do it. Mother had assumed that the courts informed the interested parties but apparently they don't. At least we had the emails to say it informally though.
They argued that mum had not informed them of nan's finances. Of which she does not have to do, her role involves protecting nan and if she does not want to reveal figures then she does not have to.
That Mum does not communicate anything with them.
Considering that two of them have physically attacked her and as we've seen lie, she addresses them all via email and text. Best to have written details.
Finally they argued that Mum in Spain hinders and stops her role.
The judge then did his summing up.
Yes mum had assumed that the courts informed but equally they should have assumed it was going ahead. (Lets pretend I never dictated anything down the phone to me in how to fill the form in.)
That mum being in Spain has no effect on the main part of her role which is looking after finances.
And finally. That she submits accounts to two different auditors to check finances and they have never EVER needed to question anything.
So yeah fuck you.
Case dismissed. Mum was scolded for not informing everyone properly. She (or rather Nan's money) has to pay her fees. Not their costs.
So game over. Except I fear not. Clearly hinted at was a threat that they suspect Mum to have taken Granddad's finances and thats fraud and that i fear is their plan b.
So as i said last night. We nap, we regroup and now we make a plan b just in case!

So tomorrow we go to Court.
I hate this, the waiting, the anticipation. Feeling powerless and wanting someone to step in and fix it for me.
I wonder if people in the War felt like this? Perhaps its me being too dramatic.

Welshy drunkenly last night tried to reassure me that I'm strong, and I laughed at him. Being strong would be able to find an answer for all this without it having to go to Court, I have too many days where I crumble under it all and huddle under the duvet and try to sleep the days away.

Dad's illness.
Dad's death.
The fallout
Mother's accident.
Looking after her.
Looking after Boy and failing miserably on that account, still being unable to reach him despite my best efforts.
Looking after Nan.
Looking after Granddad.
Being caught up in the middle of Mum and Boy's disintegrating relationship.
Learning of Boy's stillborn daughter.
Years of jobs that I hate or feel waste my time.
Welshy's mental illness/es
Losing my job when Granddad died.
8 Long, long dire months of unemployment.
Losing my job again in Bedford.
Now going to Court, to defend Mother and Nan against parasites. My own family.

I have never dealt with any of these things as a strong person would. I've allowed myself to get swept along, to cry and be weak instead of remaining solid, silent, impartial.
Someone strong would have dealt with it all better, I'm certain.
Do they genuinely believe that Mother is unstable? That she has used Nan's funds for her own gain? If she has I wouldn't be so far in debt!
What if Court believe the tales of a man up to his neck in CCJ's? A man who tried to remortgage the house into his own name? The lies of a woman who moved her son, into the home, mere days after he died. A person who has not worked since leaving school. Someone who has done time for drug offences?
How to fix the problem should they do?
Mother is mentally unstable. She has had two breakdowns, but yet she has always, always done her best for Boy and her parents. To lose this will destroy her.
Me? Well our relationship is well documented on here, how she relies on guilt trips to keep me compliant, how I feel ambivalent towards her, how I struggle to when I have years of being told I'm worthless, that she would have had boy and not me, but I put all that aside as I always do to look after her.
I cannot protect her from this. I cannot protect myself. If she should lose, she will lose all her savings. The house will need to be remortgaged or sold. What will happen to us all then? Boy clings to here as the last thing he has of Dad. I cannot afford a home for me, Welshy and my animals.

But. If we lose, we dust ourselves off and start again. That's all we can do, all I have done for the last 11, 12 years.

So we try to sleep, and we try to prepare ourselves mentally, because thats all I can do, and all I've ever been able to do, just face the day when it comes, look after everyone and then burrow away to recover again and prepare for the next crisis.

But. If there's someone or something out there who can fix all of the shit in my life I would be very grateful to know exactly what it is, or what I can do. I'm tired of dealing with it all.

After a week of incredible poorness I got paid! Yay Me! Slightly less poor, I'm going to be super strict this month, with a budget of 70 quid a week, that should cover petrol, food, animals and anything else that may occur.
I have to pay 150 back to the Housing Benefit people - but! Boy owes me 97 pounds currently, so that would be a large chunk of that. Of course he needs to pay me for council tax as well this week. So that probably will go up even more....

Court is on Monday and its suddenly all real and scary. I'm 95% convinced it'll go our way, if it doesn't... Well it doesn't really bare thinking about. Mother will have to pay a minimum of 9k to the solicitor and barrister, and then I's costs as well and Nan's quality of life and money will drastically decrease as well.

I'm not going to think about that. I took Pup to the woods today and that was fun, she is starting puppy school on the 9th, is insured with us and we're underway getting the microchip in our details.

Riding is going well, slowly slowly getting there, really hoping that I'll be in a position (financially!) to do some shows over the summer.

They announced a new ISA to help you buy a home this week. We're going to try our best to make use of it, but I don't think it'd be enough for a deposit in London at all!!!

I got a dog! Whoooo!

She's a nice little working bred cocker spaniel. Woman we took her from was an idiot so lots of basics being installed and hopefully puppy classes being signed up for.
She came into season so been a bit blurgh cleaning up mess but hopefully that should be over come Tuesday/Wednesday.

Mother came home Boo. Had to confess about dog, she wasn't too impressed. Blamed it on Brat. We all know she won't say anything to him. She is going to court over Nan on 23rd. Sigh. All being well it should be dismissed out of hand and uncle I will have to pay all costs but there's still that risk.

I got told I shouldn't have been given housing benfit when I did and now have to repay 405 pounds, I got the letter yesterday, and deadline is tomorrow... I don't have that. Brat hasn't yet given me 109 for council tax. so I need that back. Gotta try and call them tomorrow to arrange installments.

I need him to pay me as am pretty poor. Hopefully I can arrange a payment plan with the benefits people and then I can start to save. I wouldn't have taken on the dog had I known this was lurking around the corner obviously.....