So tomorrow we go to Court.
I hate this, the waiting, the anticipation. Feeling powerless and wanting someone to step in and fix it for me.
I wonder if people in the War felt like this? Perhaps its me being too dramatic.
Welshy drunkenly last night tried to reassure me that I'm strong, and I laughed at him. Being strong would be able to find an answer for all this without it having to go to Court, I have too many days where I crumble under it all and huddle under the duvet and try to sleep the days away.
Looking after her.
Looking after Boy and failing miserably on that account, still being unable to reach him despite my best efforts.
Looking after Nan.
Looking after Granddad.
Being caught up in the middle of Mum and Boy's disintegrating relationship.
Learning of Boy's stillborn daughter.
Years of jobs that I hate or feel waste my time.
Welshy's mental illness/es
Losing my job when Granddad died.
8 Long, long dire months of unemployment.
Losing my job again in Bedford.
Now going to Court, to defend Mother and Nan against parasites. My own family.
I have never dealt with any of these things as a strong person would. I've allowed myself to get swept along, to cry and be weak instead of remaining solid, silent, impartial.
Someone strong would have dealt with it all better, I'm certain.
Do they genuinely believe that Mother is unstable? That she has used Nan's funds for her own gain? If she has I wouldn't be so far in debt!
What if Court believe the tales of a man up to his neck in CCJ's? A man who tried to remortgage the house into his own name? The lies of a woman who moved her son, into the home, mere days after he died. A person who has not worked since leaving school. Someone who has done time for drug offences?
How to fix the problem should they do?
Mother is mentally unstable. She has had two breakdowns, but yet she has always, always done her best for Boy and her parents. To lose this will destroy her.
Me? Well our relationship is well documented on here, how she relies on guilt trips to keep me compliant, how I feel ambivalent towards her, how I struggle to when I have years of being told I'm worthless, that she would have had boy and not me, but I put all that aside as I always do to look after her.
I cannot protect her from this. I cannot protect myself. If she should lose, she will lose all her savings. The house will need to be remortgaged or sold. What will happen to us all then? Boy clings to here as the last thing he has of Dad. I cannot afford a home for me, Welshy and my animals.
But. If we lose, we dust ourselves off and start again. That's all we can do, all I have done for the last 11, 12 years.
So we try to sleep, and we try to prepare ourselves mentally, because thats all I can do, and all I've ever been able to do, just face the day when it comes, look after everyone and then burrow away to recover again and prepare for the next crisis.
But. If there's someone or something out there who can fix all of the shit in my life I would be very grateful to know exactly what it is, or what I can do. I'm tired of dealing with it all.