In November I went out to Grotty - first trip in 6 years. I tied it up with a Spic course - actually had conversations - however stilted with people! Super chuffed with myself. The course I found harder and harder as the week went on although it was stuff I had covered.

I scuba dived as well and that was pretty cool and it was bearable being with them and then Mother came home (she has just gone again) three weeks later.
She has been given a preliminary payment from the wills of 68k. Remember how she said that I could have a third of whatever she got?
Yeah she forgot that. She said she didnt want to give me anything as she didnt want it wasted on paying off debts.
The debts that I got into after getting sacked after looking after her and being the go-between between her and her ridiculous family.
I cried. I have had to visit the pub up the road to go to the loo when I couldn't afford toilet rolls, had to choose between repairing shoes with holes or buying enough food for the week. I who blow a stupid amount of money on repaying loans and credit card bills and buying items like bleach, and lightbulbs and bin bags despite the Brat earning more than me, he refuses to spend out on anything.
Remember when the job centre refused to give me any money because I went to an interview rather than go sign on, despite giving them all the proof needed?
Remember when they told me I could get an emergency loan and then pay it back out of the JSA?
Remember when I took time off of work to support her in Court after their trumped up excuses and taking time off of work to go see Nanny?

Yeah. I do. I have had the thoughts of 20k - hell even 5k would clear my debts to keep me going for the last two years. And then it got snatched away.

She did  - to be fair - give me a thousand pounds. That's a 1/3 of my credit card paid off. And I was never mentioned in the will and therefore I cannot say or do anything. I am not my family. I will drag myself out of fucking debt my own way and if it means my only hope is now gone, then so be it.
I am not as fucking broke as I was this time last year having to accept a food parcel from E and P's mam.

Hell I even brought a Yankee Candle tonight and if that's not burning money I don't know what is!!

Xmas is coming and i'm feeling goddam lonely, but that will be a post for another night - including how I managed to book myself onto a flight to Rome which I realise makes a mockery of above or alternatively shows how I've managed to free myself so much that I can book these things. Maybe this time next year I could consider a longhaul flight although doing so alone frightens me.
But again a post for another day.