So we all survived the end of the world!

Congrats to all.

Christmas shopping is done. I have a half day Monday and then that's it till Friday. Welshy is with his friends tonight and then home to Wales for Christmas. Went for a meal with new work Wednesday which was nice. Last Friday I went out with Welshy and TDR which was fantastic. So glad to be out and about.
I'm finally clear of credit card debit, have currently 300 in my normal spending account and have 400 in my holiday fund - we're still thinking about India in the New Year - although dependent on me being kept on at work.
Things are looking up. Still need a new horsey pal though. Starting to miss them, although not missing being out in this awful weather.
I might be going to a back doctor in the New Year. Hopefully will help with the muscle pain I've suffered in my shoulders for years. Trying to convince the Welsh One to come as well.

You know you're getting old when:

• Your boyfriend is convinced you're losing your hearing and makes you take two hearing tests online and go to the doctors for a check.
• You make the conclusion that you shouldn't have a drink past 9pm as otherwise it means getting up in the middle of the night and MY FUCK is it cold at the moment.

Other new starter has bailed through illness, so only me so far. Its ok, they're talking of trying to get someone else in. They had their xmas party last Friday. Everyone bar Charby and the Muslim down one end not working but drinking. Drank a reasonable amount of Rose wine and went to bed mourning my lack of friends. Not like they haven't had time to plan for me to attend, I mean I had the interview end of October....

TBH I don't really give a fuck. Although I desperately want to go and have a night out. Only been out three or four times since returning from Spain in April.

Welshy is talking about returning to India in the new year, Don't know if I can face that hellish flight again. The new year brings the start of my 30th year. I want to go to South Africa for my actual birthday.

If I'm kept on at the company, I'm hoping for a decent wage increase and then I plan to buy my pony. I've actually spent this evening working out start up costs and what it'd cost me per year. Although I really need to call up a lot of yards to get livery fees, but I don't see the point of doing that until I know I'm settled at work and in the position to do so, I reckon I could do it, I can cover farrier and Vet bills and saddler/back bills. Feed/hay/bedding could be the downfall though, but again thats dependent on how often the horse could live out, whether I went for straw or shavings, what it needs to eat.

Terrifyingly I'm going to the doctors on Tuesday for a hearing examination. Since a night out in Jan in Spain where I danced all night under a speaker they've not been great. Welshy reckons I've gone a little deaf. Every now and then I can feel my ear drum vibrating. Hopefully it'll just need a good cleaning out. Don't fancy a hearing aid.

Been an interesting week.
Gave up on 6.30 starts and am now always racing the clock by lying into 7. Much more civilised and as long as public transport plays nicely, its do-able.
It started a little shaky but now I'm starting to feel more confident in what i'm doing and what needs to be done.
Completed my first real sign off! whoop! Although it didn't really count as it was only a reference I needed to chase up. Some of this stuff scares me, they're sending them out to work without references, without criminal record checks, without proper ID and all sorts missing.
Some cases I only have 33% of the file there. Doesn't fill me with confidence but I guess that's my job! To get them to the full 100%! Its also a bit frustrating to find that the paperwork exists but has been filed incorrectly or not placed on the system.
Settled in already which is a bit disconcerting cos, as Welshy says. I need to look at it like I'm going again in January.
Speaking of job hunting, I got offered two interviews on Friday! Hahaha! Sadly I can't attend any of them. I also went and interviewed a new pony, but I don't think she's for me. I know what I'm capable of riding and she wasn't it. The lady was lovely though which was a shame.

I miss my Sunnypony! Although at the moment I'm enjoying not rushing about in the cold riding and doing horsey chores. It'll only be a matter of weeks before I want a new hooved chum!

Decided to take a break from ponies for a week or two and get used to working again.
Up at 6.30! Far too early! It depresses me that if I worked local I'd never earn enough for a horse, but working in the city means I have no time for one. Is it possible I'm destined never to get one?

New job got off to a wrong start when despite getting there 15 minutes early, I ended up 15 minutes late waiting at the old office for someone to meet me and then realising they weren't going to and not being able to figure out how to get in the new office!

Oh and then not knowing how long lunch was and taking A LOT longer than expected. Still day went ok, bit slow but anything in an office will be. I'm not really cut out for office life!

Was considering taking a Spanish exam in the new year dependent on pennies. Reckon I could blag the lower level C grade GCSE equivalent DELE style-y exam without too much revision. Just need motivation!

Also! Been 5 weeks since I've had anything more than a Pimms and lemonade to drink. I'm practically teetotal. Noted as it was the last time I got any money!

Since my last post. I've received the grand total of 57 quid from the job centre! Much riches! I'm a lucky Girl!

But I have proper updates for you. I really should go back into doing this, I have no excuses for not having time!
I have a job! I went for an interview with M and S, impressing the woman with my 12/16 in my customer service test and then I got offered a full time, temp-till-end-of-Jan-but-with-potential-to-become-permanent office job with a medical recruitment agency.
I start Monday, the wages are shit. Like lower than I was on at the NMM but considering I've had nothing coming in since September..... Beggars can't be choosers!

I also had an interview and a second interview for another company that I didn't get. Would have preferred that as it was lots more pennies plus a decent annual bonus.

Welshy is employed too! In a rather bizarre way, in a language school out in Wimbledon although he doesn't seem to have any students, huh. We'll see how long that takes to work out!

Sadly all this job lark means I have to say goodbye to Sunny Pony. I have no facilities to ride him in the dark and its not safe to go out on the roads.

I fulfilled my aim of making him rideable for his young owner but I'm sceptical about the chances of him staying rideable by the Spring... I hope to be proved wrong but I know ponies and he was still attempting to take the pee out of me and if he has time off to forget what he's learnt and how to behave.

Need a new pony to fall in love with. Put an advert up for a new part loan on Wednesday and have at least 7 replies asking for me to go ride. Haven't replied to any of them as.
a) somehow convinced myself I couldn't afford it, even though it'll be the same as riding at a riding school, if not cheaper.
b) I may not be so lucky as to fool someone else into thinking I know what I'm doing!

I'm a moron with no self-confidence!

Jobcenter calls. 'Yeah the reason you can't get money in august...'
Me. 'Wait. I'm asking why I've not got anything in SEPTEMBER and why I got a letter saying its against the law to pay me in October.'
Man puts me on hold for a bit. Comes back. 'I can't explain your letter but you need to get a rapid reclaim form'. Me. 'But I did that. On the first.' 
Man. 'Sorry can't help you further' 
Hangs up.

More job centre woes!

Apparently despite someone telling me that once I'd done this temp work I needed to fill in a certain form, someone else telling me that this was correct and the person who handed me the form also assuring me that this was the correct form, I learnt today that the form I actually filled in was one closing my account.
So no job centre money until I go make another new claim ( my third since April) and God only knows if they'll back date it to the 13th of September.
So, another wasted trip to the centre, more money wasted on calling them up. I was told that I was either lying, or had been mistaken and that she didn't have time to check this with the person sitting next to her, who also happened to be the woman who had assured me that I was filling in the correct form.

Urgh. So depressing, so depressed. Big black cloud sitting on me today. No will to apply or job search. No will to go out with my NMM friends this evening.
Came home and napped.

Going to see the Idiotpony tomorrow and take him for a schooling session. Hopefully that'll perk things up a bit and then I can get cracking with it all.

Welshy came home Friday night, Hurrah! He spent the night and then went up to Brum and then onto Wales, if I didn't know better I'd get a complex about him not wanting to see me!

Please let something good happen soon.

Went for interview Thursday.

Good point.
 Unlike last one, I'd have an office. Rather than a divided corner in the middle of an Indian cash n carry.

Bad point.
I'd have to pretend to be three different people. Including Irene from Accounts.

Now that's a dream career move!

Vienna was really nice. I really recommend it for anyone fancying a short break somewhere. I even managed to get there despite flying to Bratislava! Small problem actually getting off of the train in Ed's town but I combatted that over the next few days by making sure I got on the train carriage with the most people on so someone else could open the door for me! Cunning eh?
I spent most of my time lurking in Welshy's room though, despite him telling me it was ok to spend his money I felt guilty and to be honest. I felt a bit urk and unwilling to explore much.
Went to Vienna to see the Spanish Riding School. A childhood dream realised. Saw morning exercise and then a grand tour of the stableyard and tack areas.
Lovely.
Had another fit of the glumps walking about though and declared to Welshy that it wasn't all that really. When I did have a nice time, just a shame I didn't have the money to visit any of the museums and things.
Went into the Butterfly House though. EVERYONE loves butterflies!
Had an explore around Schwechat (Welshy's town), walking down by the river where I was bemused as to whether they have or had beaver living in the rivers.
Epic night of drinking on Friday. My First proper session since returning from Spain and I got drunk very, very quickly.
Ended up requesting that Welshy took me to the room at 3am where I promptly fell asleep.
Woke up at 8 to get back into Vienna to see the proper riding school performance. I think if I go again then I'd make sure I paid for the real seats as although I could see about 3/4 of the arena, I did miss a few things and had people in front of me preventing me from seeing a lot of the "airs above the ground"
Small complaint about the monghead who took a flash photo of the 8-horse performance despite them saying no photos which spooked one and generally with horses if one spooks then flight instinct takes over and they all spook!
Could have caused an incident but apart from that the performance was a dream.

Back home now and its pissing with rain. Applied for 8 jobs yesterday and one already today. Weathers rained heavily since Sunday morning and I'm not too impressed at this and my chances for riding this week.
(hate riding in rain, Idiotpony is convinced crocodiles live in puddles and my glasses steam up making it impossible to see).
Ah well. Tomorrows another day and Welshy will be back Friday night.

Well I did the the three days and my God were they tiring! I was leaving the house not long after 7am, working close to 10 hrs with a 20 minute break and then getting home around 9pm.
I am NOT designed to sit there for 10 hours straight, I got terrible cramp in my legs and the SAP program I was using has ridiculously tiny font.
I had a bit of an argument about it with Mother about if they'd offer me a full time position. I don't think I could do it, it'd kill me. I'd have no time for anything during the week, football or riding and I would just be shattered at weekends.
Part time maybe but fulltime is just stupid.
H2 sent me a lovely parcel! With sweeties in and a lovely card to cheer me up!
Had a lovely session on the Idiotpony on Friday. We've been working on building up muscles and co-ordination for canter and although we have nailed it on one rein, its still non-existent on the other.
Still... it'll come and I'm very pleased with him and the work I've done with him. He's turning into a lovely little pony, if still very opinionated about when he's had enough work!
Rather depressingly I went to the Bank today and asked to close my ISA. I'm tired of being nearly 4k in debt and my ISA will cover that, I can always start saving again I suppose!

Hopefully will get paid soon from this temp work and hopefully will get some more lined up upon my return!
Applying for shop work now for Christmas. Depressing times.


BUT! I'm going to Vienna on Monday! Whooopie!

Went for another lovely early morning hack with the Sunny-pony, slightly jumpy today but he's only been ridden once this week, so probably a bit fresh, he's so unfit bless him. Did lots of sitting trot work with him! So comfy, like a moving sofa!
Hung about for a bit afterwards and helped his owner bathe him for a show tomorrow. While I was waiting I got a call from the agency I did the days work for and may have work lined up for the middle of next week. That'd be fab! Especially if it is the full three days.
Oh yeah, I've just been looking at my balance and I'm getting my JSA payment on Monday. So confused now! Does that mean I've not been punished for missing the appointment? Or has it just not kicked in yet? Answers on a postcard please!!

So yeah, despite having no money I'm going to Vienna in two weeks to see Welshy. Going to the Spanish Riding school and then probably just sit in the hotel room all day finding something that is free to do! Hahaha!
Yay For Welshy for paying for my accommodation! And Yay for Credit cards and cheap cheap Ryanair flights!

Ok, so I'm seriously fucked. Went straight from well dodgy job interview to sign on, where the advisor casually informs me they're cancelling my claim.

I act like a complete idiot and burst into tears, apparently I need to reclaim as Welshy is away for so long now that he's being taken from their system and I need to reapply as a single person. Right. So the last time we did this was when he was away for a month and I couldn't finish my claim as I needed his wage slips, which get posted when he gets home. In three weeks, possibly five.
So once they get hold of that it can take two weeks to process and provide me with money. That's a potential seven weeks without money.

I manage to get a hold on myself without making too much of an idiot and then they inform me that i'm being punished for failing to attend when requested two signing on dates and phoned to reschedule.
One is deeply, deeply unfair, I was due to sign on at 11.45. I was there. The reception lady told me I wasn't due till 2pm, I questioned this, was told to phone an office in Belfast, who told me I was due to sign on at 12.30. Well I couldn't do that. I had an interview in Vauxhall, I left, phoned up to make a new appointment. As requested I sent email proof that I was attending an interview. So. Punished for doing what they want me to do, to find work. I jumped through all the hoops. No good.

Minus one weeks money (not sure when that's due to come, too distraught to question) so. Half of 145 gone. I burst into sobs. Again. I can and am appealing this decision but frankly I have no hope or faith in me getting it back. Especially with them cancelling my claim and wiping themselves from their books. I no longer exist as far as the Job Centre care.

But what am I to do? I have no more savings! In face I'm down to the last 14.20 in my account before.... I don't even know what will happen. Will I be declared bankrupt? I just don't know!
So I phoned up Belfast in desperation and pleaded my case. Some faceless machine suggested I sell my pets, my birds, Geronimo when I said about needing to pay for them. He also suggested I apply for a "Crisis Loan" which apparently takes two weeks to process and can be paid back out of my JSA when I get it again.

I hung up and sobbed all the way home.

How can I get a loan when I can't afford the repayments? What else am I supposed to cut out of my life? Mum says I can just owe her rent until I get sorted and then pay her back. Maybe I should sell my animals, I have a few babies from this year's clutch. I should stop paying to go ride. That'd save me 13.50 a week. I don't go out apart from that, but I'm slowly sinking further and further into debt. 

I can/will have to see if I can access my ISA, its locked away and I guess I will pay a fine. Fuck, I've saved and scrimped forever to have some emergency savings. They were supposed to be for a horse or house. I'm never going to be in a position to afford a horse or to move out.
If I can't get into that, I will have to see if I can move some credit card money over and get bigger interest payments from that, but hopefully I could get JSA again within the month to cover payments?

I don't know anymore. My head hurts from crying and I can't breathe and I don't know what to do for best.

Had really nice day with H2 and Oldest Child at paralympics, my face got burnt! lol! Watched Oscar Grumpypants pick up his silver and David Wier get his Gold.
I really regretted having no money, couldn't afford to buy a nice souvenir and I couldn't afford to buy tea or anything to drink until H2 gave me one of her water bottles. On my way home I counted my change and thought I could buy a small portion of chips on my way home (There's nothing to eat in the house, I can't afford to shop for me and The Brat and so he's started buying his own food and I simply can't - I've lived off of 5 for £3 supernoodles and peanut butter sandwiches all week - and then Brat ate three quarters of a jar of  peanut butter in one of his unholy concoctions, so then I ate bread and butter sandwiches! Thank fuck Mum's home tomorrow!)
Anyway, turned out I was 2p short for chips so I ate another packet of supernoodles when I got home! Hahaha!
I was so hopeful that I could sell the three paradressage tickets I had spare for tomorrow after people let me down and gain 30 quid but I can't and I just cried all the way home on the 386.

I've always kinda felt that things would get better, even on days when I've written here and been utterly miserable. But I just don't think that anymore. I think this is it. I will never be able to afford to escape Mother and the Brat and their poison. Life will never get any better than it was at the NMM, when I thought I had friends before that was destroyed. I'm going to look for shop work again. I was stupid to pretend that I'm good enough to do anything else. Fuck I've even learnt that I don't have enough experience to work in a Museum(!) After three fucking years as a Gallery Assistant and One as a Supervisor.

I dreamt I died the other night, I felt my heart stop and my blood stop pounding. It hurts I learnt. But a numbing kind of pain, but I was scared and I don't want that to happen. Thursday I will go see Sunny Pony and I will have nothing for three hours to concentrate on but him. I need that, he needs me.
And then after that he will need me on Saturday. Then my two days next week. I need to focus on those days and work forward constantly to them.

So. Two weeks ago Welshy headed to Vienna for work, was expecting him home yesterday. So why's he not at home? Well, he volunteered for a week in Milan, and then got offered two more weeks in Vienna and a possible two more after that. Not sure if I'll ever see him again! Haha!
Jobhunting is still sucky, went and did a days attempted shredding in an office in Angel the other day, didn't want me on the second day, although I never discovered that until after I arrived in the office. Didn't matter so much in the end. I had a nice day out, went to British Museum to see the exhibit about Arabian horses, and then to the Natural History Museum, where I blagged two free tickets to see Animals Inside Out and one about Scott of the Antarctic.



Fuck me! Just watched some Brazilian cripple smash Oscar Pistorus. Simply flew along! Off tomorrow to meet H2 and Oldest Child to get me some para-athletics action and then para-dressage on Tuesday. Bit pissed about the dressage, two years ago when I found out I could get tickets ahead of schedule for them and the Olympics, I got 4 tickets, shame how now I can't find anyone to take them, and believe me 30 quid would be VERY welcome now! Serious cash flow problems.

Oscar's a bit grumpy btw about having lost, reckons his bouncy blades were cheating or something?

I took Idiotpony for our first solo hack today! Thought it might end disasteriously as I got off and walked with him a few times as he got frightened and being a baby needs someone to follow to give him confidence. Ended out for nearly 3 hours though! Such an adventure!

Am taking him to use a school on Thursday. Wish I hadn't arranged this now I know the true extent of my finances! Turned down taking him to a show next Sunday. Simply can't afford to buy the new things I need.

Ah well. The next two days should be awesome and Welshy was talking about buying me flights to Vienna which'd be fab! Need a holiday! Hahaha!

I love how small the horsey world is! I was speaking to my old instructor on facebook about the possibility of her coming out to see me and Idiotpony, meanwhile I was emailing an enquiry to some local yards about the possibility of me hiring the arena or hacking over to have a lesson with him.
Anyway, turned out that the guy I was emailing was a mutual friend of my old instructor and Idiotpony had been stabled at his yard previously!
Funny stuff!

Holy fuck he cracked and washed all the dishes! Hurrah! I can tidy the kitchen properly now!
What else is new? Not a lot, went and battled the jsa morons again Tuesday. Apparently the missing money Welshy is owed is basically down to "the mood of the person doing the filing" How the FLYING FUCK is that even a system! Its pot luck! Madness.

Had an interview Tuesday too. All was going well until they started talking about a computer programme I've never ever heard of.
Ho hum. Applied for 11 more today. Surely statistically one of those will get back to me?

I've got a real teacher coming out to see me and Idiotpony on Friday. Yippie. I really need some help with the napping and to encourage me that I'm going in the right direction. Oh I may have gone and got myself another pony to ride while I'm there. I'm such a pony slut.

It was my birthday Tuesday! Happy Birthday to me! 29! Fuck me. Ancient. Bones creak now when I stand. Actually I've always had clicky joints, I need some edible WD40 (don't suggest that disgusting fish oil crap to me either.)
Went and walked over the 02 building, which was odd, its like a steep trampoline, views amazing though at the top, then me and Welshy did some cocktails, ate dinner with P and E and L who were there by co-incidence. Nice day.
Wednesday I brought myself a lovely new riding hat and a beautiful 3 ft purple sparkly riding whip... made it VERY hard to resist the purple bargain basement jods. Stupid lack of funds.
Walking back through London with the whip caused a few comments, didn't help that I didn't realise just HOW low cut my new top was. Yeah. Pervy bastards out there.
Rode Idiotpony on Thursday, he was rather uncooperative. Tomorrow I plan on getting up early and hacking out before it gets busy. I don't want a repeat of last weeks attempt of nearly sitting on a silver car while the driver was in shock behind the wheel. (no blame to driver, he was doing the correct thing, passing wide and slow. Blame goes solely to the killer Tesco bag in the bush and idiotpony, being.... Well an idiot!)


PS. Tomato covered plates are still there.

The Tomato Sauce Incident.

So. If you've been reading this for a while, you are aware of how I have complained how cunty my brother and mother can be to me. Perhaps you may have thought that perhaps this was an over-reaction on my part. Perhaps I was being a spoiled brat.
Anyway, all week he's been eating some unholy mess of melted peanut butter, baked beans and salt (salts very important apparently) and leaving the plates, here, there and everywhere. To prevent a repeat of last years war where I gathered up all his dirty plates left in the computer room and left them outside his bedroom door, I put them into the kitchen, where they have sat all week.

Now lets point out that we have a dishwasher, so merely involves putting plates into that until its full and then putting it on. Not rocket science. Not hard work. Unfortunately Brat seems to believe otherwise and that's where they've stayed.

Last night, rather sarcastically (he felt the need to point out he was being so) he shouted that: "You might be able to find time in your busy day to clean the kitchen." 

I started to say that I do so when I worked fulltime and I cleaned all his stuff up then too, that its not like its much for him to do. Anyway, he slammed the door and we heard him rooting about in the kitchen. Later I went out to get a drink and I came across this.

Yup. He's taken all the clean plates out and smeared tomato sauce over them so I have to clean them if me and Welshy want to eat. There are two plates in the dishwasher from our meal earlier that night and that's all.

So, as a result that I perfectly reasonably refused to scrape his plates and put them in the dishwasher, we got this reaction. I'm 29 tomorrow. He's 26 in September. This is ridiculous. I don't have a problem with putting the odd plate in the washer. But I see no reason why I should do it all the time for him or go around the house rounding up his dirty food remains. So. Am I the one being childish or is he? Or are we both as bad as each other? Mother has already told me that I need to clean up after him while she is away, but I just don't see why I should.

Except now the house stinks of sauce. I'm feeling like I'm the brat for refusing to do what really is nothing to me, except I'm so tired of being the only one who does the washing, the hoovering, the cleaning. I don't see what me being at work or not matters. Its stuff I'm expected to do regardless.  

So judge me Internet. Am I as petty and spoiled as my brother? Is he in the wrong? Am I? Lets face it, I'm going to clean all this up at some point or it'll sit there till mum gets home in three weeks and then I'll be moaned at for winding him up.

I've just had the best three days at the Olympics. As always I've been gripped by all sorts of stuff that I'd not normally watch. On Sunday me, E and LLL went to see the eventing dressage, in the middle of the worst thunderstorm that made me feel quite exposed up on our seat in the gods surrounded by metal....
Dressage is normally pretty dull but the day simply flew by. My favourite was the Japanese guy who finished the day in first place - not expected at all. And of course I saw Zara, Will Fox Pitt and Mark Todd, all heroes amongst men.
Monday was cross country day and I'd only got the tickets on the Friday. Plan was to meet E and The Usurper for an eventing breakfast but three hours before the event was due to start it was already backed up, so I went in. I got an awesome spot by the drop fence and watched a few riders before finding those two and we toured the fences. Such a rollercoaster of emotion. Cheering on the Brits, then horses dropping like flies on the course, one rider breaking her pelvis and tearing her horses tendons to shit. Saw a Jap rider completely flip over in front of us which was horrid and we feared for its future after the screens went up.
Then everything was a sigh of relief when they went clear in front of us and we heard that they finished safely. Really brings home just how dangerous eventing is!
Then me and Mother went to the showjumping, the final element to the three day event. I was a bit pissed about this, as mother had previously just assumed she was going with me and never offered to give me the money for the ticket. But she seemed to really enjoy it and again, it was edge of your seat stuff - we were so, so close to gold but wasn't to be.
Feeling a bit anti-climatic now and even watching Gemma pick up silver in the judo hasn't revived me. (For what its worth, we went to the same judo club and her mum worked with mine until she died.)

Still off to see SunnyPony tomorrow. Am inspired to pick up the schooling work and start preparing for some shows hopefully. Although lack of transport lets us down. :(

How on Earth do you get people to realise your brother is a selfish cunt without sounding like you're a 14 year old whiny brat?

I'm sick of it. I give my Mother a quarter of what I "earnt" through JSA, I do the washing, the hoovering, the tidying away of tea things, of the breakfast things. I fold clothes and I tidy after everyone. I run errands for her and him, I empty the bins and weed the garden and cut the grass when the rain isn't lashing down. I did all this even when I worked and Boy was unemployed for a year and didn't give her any rent.

But its not enough. No thanks for giving her the money that I/we can't afford to give her, even though she's made no mention of us giving her rent, its been hinted at and it wasn't my fault that the JSA didn't give me anything for six weeks.

I came home yesterday after a lovely afternoon with Sunnypony, to find one of her friends lurking in the kitchen. Her friend informed me that they'd made a list of things that I can do around the house when Mother goes away for a month to Lanzarote. I was a bit stung at this, and pointed out that its all stuff I do anyway.

Apparently I'm also to fully weed and cut the grass tomorrow (today) as its now nice for a few days rather than the odd bits I've been doing. Again Boy isn't to do any of this. I asked what he'd be doing to help and got the smirk and the "told you." to her friend.

Later at dinner it got broached again and I asked what Boy would do and was told "nothing, he's working." I  said that he couldn't work 24/7 and that I did all of the above when I was working.

But I just sound like a brat, a selfish brat and as she comments enough when I say these things, that "I'm frightened I'll do more to help around the house than he does." That "If you're not working, you can do these things as you have the time on your hands."

So. How is it she's forgotten, or failed to notice that he spent that unemployed year drunk? That I did all these chores when I was working, that I do them all anyway? How does she fail to notice that he hasn't given her two months rent money and that's the reason she's had to cut back on her shopping? ~And going back several years now, how can she forget or fail to see, the time I spent with Dad, the time I spent running about the hospital when she was ill, when he didn't visit her at all? How can she not notice that he left me to struggle home on the bus with seventy pounds worth of shopping because he threw a strop about taking me there?

She says he helped. Before. I would have ended up agreeing, thinking that she was right, that I was a selfish brat. That he did help, that once again I was an awful person, self-centred. Now. Welshy sees these things, he can't say anything, can't butt in. And sometimes I wish it was the other way, because then I didn't see the unfairness of it all, just believed it all.

Now I try to defend myself and I sound like a whiny, petulant brat, just like i'm doing now. I'm 29 in a month. I shouldn't be acting like a brat or feeling like one. I shouldn't be living at home, I shouldn't be careerless and drifting. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for going out and leaving her home alone. I shouldn't be made to feel worthless. The way they make me feel like I'm an awful spoilt brat.

So, unsurprisingly got rejected from the job in Bromley. Severe lack of potential interviews at the moment and still waiting for news from that dental job although the longer I wait the more I'm sure its no good.
My JSA money has been sorted out! Huzzah!
Pony fun is going ok Had a huge set back the other Saturday but then I rode Monday and he was good. I now have an arena to work in! And am toying with the idea of taking him to a introductory dressage competition.
Welshy is going to Germany to work for a week in two weeks or so and i'm only awaiting one more set of Olympic tickets to come! Hurrah!

Apparently I've been rejected from applying to go on BBC's Mastermind. Apparently Welshy applied on my behalf drunkenly in Spain. My Specialist subject was going to be "Glittery things".
Scored free tickets though to watch it being filmed subject to my travelling to Salford though!

Welshy came home Saturday, yay!
I went on a nice chilled hack on Sunday in which we battled road sign monsters hidden in the undergrowth and walked through a Tunnel Of Terror in which the water was ankle deep on the pony, bearing in mind that he most definitely doesn't like getting his delicate hooves wet, the fact that we eventually got him walking over it and indeed leading the way was an achievement.

Time to start job hunting again, see where we get this week. E is making me laugh, she keeps complaining about hating her job but seems to do very little in the way of actually looking for others. Anyway she reckons she's going to quit in time for the Olympics and just live off of her savings for a bit as she'd not be entitled to jobseekers. She's so tight with her money I can't see it happening, but! Stranger things have happened!

I wish I had more money. There's currently a £225 body protector, top of the range and top of the safety league on offer for 40 online. I can't really justify a new credit card purchase as my bill at the start of this month was 850, plus I put 50 on for my cross country ticket and today I cracked and put 400 on it for my season ticket.
It will take forever to pay off so I need to be strict and remember that I already have a body protector, albeit over 10 years old and in need of replacement. (same with my hat really!!) Hopefully I'll be able to see another such good offer once the JSA comes and I can pay off some credit cardness

Went to Bromley for an interview today. Probably wasn't best to answer the question of "Why should I employ you?" With "Because I'm awesome."

Yeah. Good skills, Charbs!

Also. Disgustingly. I was on the road by the company and on the floor was a dead collared dove half grown chick and a pigeon. Not just dead, by falling whatever. No the heads were missing and just nasty bloody stumpy spines poking out of their necks. How gross. Someone/thing must have ripped their heads off. Wasn't an animal.

 I emailed the dental practise back regarding the second interview I went on and they're STILL considering their options.
Stupid company. Looks like I've failed in my vow to get employed by the time Welshy returns from Austria! (6pm tomorrow!!!)

Ho hum. ALSO! THIS time next month I'll be on my way back from Olympic Dressage. WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

Two more sleeps. Wheee!

Its been such a hot, humid and muggy day here. Up in the midlands apparently there's been storms and hail! And flash flooding! Its the end of the world. A Day when I should be preparing for my interview tomorrow has resulted in me planning a solo hacking route, visiting The Job Centre again and still getting no where with the money I need from them.
I went to see Granddad afterwards. Unfortunately it seems Alzheimers is catching and he is deteriorating rapidly. Not yet to the same extent as Nan (who I can no longer visit as she doesn't recognise me and gets agitated by that fact, so its not fair on her) but it will happen to him as well.

Positive news though. I have this interview, still waiting to hear back from the others, applied for a shitload more this week and heard from the twins who are going to Southend in a fortnight and want to meet.
And tomorrow marks one month until I get to achieve a life-long dream and go to the Olympics! And get to see three days of horsey adventure. I can hardly wait.

Also! Two more sleeps! Yay!

Hmmm.. I thought to myself. It's a bit sunny out, but cloudy. I'd best put some sun cream on.
So I coated the pony's nose and muzzle in it, while he tried his hardest to lick it off.

Did I think of doing it to myself? Fuck no. Am I paying the price now? Fuck yes.

4 more sleeps till Welshy comes home, hurrah!
Off to play with Sunnypony tomorrow! Double Hurrah!
Went to the shops and brought two bikinis and amazingly neon green bra and pants - triple Hurrah! (if only I had a holiday to go to!)
Got paid for my work trial, money not so drastically needed! Quadruple Hurrah.

Forgetting that I was supposed to sign on yesterday and finding out they refuse to give me any money until Welshy comes home and want to dock a weeks JSA anyway because of this??
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octruple (is that a word?) Boooo's!

Another interview lined up this week Whoop Whoop. Applied for another job as well. Still waiting for the one I had last week to get back to me. TBH am starting to think its a no go if they've not bothered to reply.
We went out on penalties. Such an average side.

I thought out of interest I should see what I've been doing on this day (or as close as) since I started this. (boredom avoidance tactic ahoy!)
Anyway.

This time in 2004, I was preparing to leave the house I shared with MH and CL. Incidentally the night before England lost to Portugal in Euro 2004! Postiga! Me and MH ended up in hospital after someone threw a bottle at her.
 The next day I learnt Dad's cancer was terminal.

A year later I was still unemployed, living at home, lost and lonely, missing everything and everyone I had left in Derby. Deeply miserable, not knowing what to do for the best. Who to help first. Longing for help myself. On the 28th I took another driving test and failed. I was wondering if this was as good as it got. Whether that would have been the highlight of my life.

2006 saw me working in The Health Food Shop that Shall Remain Nameless and Volunteering at the London Aquarium. I loved my fishy friends there! I was preparing for a promotion at work but never got it, on the 28th I went to The Tower of London. I'd just been to Derby and was bemoaning the fact that everything changed. H2 was pregnant! CL had just got engaged to UDOBF! It was another World Cup Year and me and Welshy had become friends and it was only months until his confession. Me and E were idly planning our trip to NZ and had been to Iceland and Ireland.

2007 and me and Welshy had gotten our act together and had spent the night in a hotel in Covent garden after a hugely random night out. I was working in the Museum as a seasonal after returning from New Zealand and this happened.

2008 and my world was rocked again with the news that my Granddad had cancer. I'd been to a Lock-in with Welshy and some of his friends. Blogging began to take a back seat as my days were full. Welshy moved back to London soon after.

2009 and I vowed to get out of a rut. the 19th of June saw me decide to re-enrol to take my Maths GCSE again. I made these vows.


1 - I will either own my own place or be living away from home.
2 - I will have that maths GCSE.
3 - And a horse.
4 - I'll have a good job to pay for said horse.
5 - I'm gonna go back to the old driving and very determinedly pass the damn test.


Well, so far I got the GCSE! The rest is up for debate!


I hardly posted in June 2010, but I was living in the Isle of Dogs with Welshy and Flatmates from hell. We'd been to India. and I was preparing for my GCSE exam. I'd fallen out with MH over a year ago and suddenly had heard that she was expecting a sperm donor child.

2011. Last year! I'd just returned from a holiday in the Lake District and been to R's wedding. What a fab night and holiday that was! I had no idea that three months time would see me pack up and move to Spain! I'd been accepted onto the MSc Course (Just finished the first stage of it! - Probably last stage as well!) and me and Welshy had booked a trip to Vegas!

What a nice way of looking back on everything and seeing my moods, interests and whims at the time!

So had my second stage interview and am still waiting to hear. First they told me it would be the day after the interview. Then the Friday. Now I'm wondering if I was rejected or if I need to be more patient and see what happens.
Still not got any JSA money. I'm starting to struggle for pennies. I have 70 quid left until the end of my overdraft. I desperately need that money to come in soon and the money I am owed for the week trial I did at Eurostars.
No idea when any of that will come through. Am assuming that the Eurostars money will come on Friday if its not stuck in limbo somewhere with the Natwest problems.
Have another meeting at the JSA on Tuesday, not the one I need before I can get any money off of them.

Welshy comes home on Saturday, am looking forward to it immensely. Its been nice to have that space but I miss him now, bothering me all the time.

Riding Sunny has been hit and miss, we had a lovely three hour hack a week ago and a really nice schooling session on Monday after my interview, we're working on teaching him half halts which is a way of getting the horse's attention, to pause and slow his pace momentarily and prepare for another change, either into canter or downwards. I really felt like he was starting to get somewhere and we had a lovely session.

Friday... Hmm. I learnt he doesn't like being ridden in the wind and the rain, he was very nappy and threatening to buck the whole time. I built some trotting pole exercises and tried to make it into a small jump just so he did something different and doesn't get bored of the same exercises but to be honest. It was just written off. He wasn't happy about being ridden and made it quite clear. He's a baby still and I need to make allowances for this, perhaps I should have taken him for a trot down the lane instead of forcing him.

I spent today making a nice table in Excel so I can chart his progress and what I plan on teaching him and things I aim to achieve with him each month (a jumping class, some countryside rides etc)

Handed my last uni essay in. I hope it gets a decent mark. I failed the previous essay. Yuck. Depression Central.

10 minutes to go and then this England game is heading to penalties.....

Things are good. Getting better. Had an interview last Wednesday. Just had email asking if I can come for a second stage interview on Monday, bit nervous about that as its an "assessment" apparently.
Had a lovely day hanging at the yard with Sunny yesterday. He's a lot better to ride although annoyingly nappy still when he sees the gate. I enquired into the possibility of someone showing me hacking routes. Looking forward to that.
I did cut my fingers to shit on his field gate which has now swollen and gone purple, very attractive when I have an interview to prepare. Hope it heals soon.
Welshy is still in Austria, been good to have him away, everything's gone a bit like it was originally when he was in Wales. Looking forward to his return though in two weeks.
 Met the boys for football on Monday and England play again tonight. Happy days.

Tedious apparently.

When I met you, it was clear that you were ill. Mentally ill. I pitied you, I recognised such things. Believed I could help. You tell me I did, that I taught you how to live life and enjoy it.
I'm ill too you know. But you tell me i'm self-pitying. That I'm tedious. I am. I realise this. I fight just as hard as you do.
Lately. I'm not winning. Maybe it's being back here. Maybe its the fear that you've never understood, but its suddenly paralysing me. I'm frightened. I had a panic attack last night about getting on a plane. I don't even have a fucking flight booked.
I see people in the street and I know I have done more than they have with their lives, that I have more to fight for. But I see other people, the old people shuffling down the road and I ache for them. I wonder if they remember the joys of skipping through puddles, and to go out with abandon. I pity the people who have nothing left and I am so scared that will be me. You know what I'm scared of. You've never understood it. But I fear the days that I have now, of nothing to leave the house for. No more holidays, No more adventures. No more friends. Of being alone. Of dying. Of dying alone.
I'm 28, I shouldn't be feeling this way. You know I have for a long time, since I was 9 when I realised I wasn't immortal.
Lately, this is weighing on me. A pain in my chest. I spent a day in bed in San Adrian. I wanted to tell you then, except I knew your reaction. Today, tonight I told you and I got the reaction I expected.
I cried. I cry now. I've grown soft and weak. I felt like I did when I tried to tell Mother about being unhappy at school and she told me I was worthless.
If I'm supposed to be able to tell you anything, then why do you react this way? I can't tell you. Sometimes I feel even though you're sat next to me, as lonely as I did before you come along.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being sucked into this black hole, of the way I get treated by the others in my family. You're right. I do believe I'm shit. Currently. I fought through this once, twice, many times before and I will again. But its hard. Hard when I'm treated like they do, hard when you tell me I'm too boring and dull now. The ways you try and motivate me it doesn't work. I just feel worse.
It doesn't help. You don't help. I suffer from things the way you do too. Remember that.

I really need to leave the house. Except I can't bear the kids off on their half term holidays. Today I spent the day looking up New Forest pony genetics. Not even remotely related to the uni course I'm doing (this month, Nutrition and Digestion).
I did apply for a few jobs today though, and started a new Jobseekers application.

Enjoyed a nap around 2pm as well.

Going to visit Sunny Pony again on Wednesday. I plan some hardcore schooling, am going on Sunday too. Hopefully I can convince Mother to come and either critique what I'm doing (she has some uses!) or to walk along with us if we go for a ride in the woods.
I fear that could be a bit naughty as he's not been out on his own before and doesn't like leaving his chums. So to have her there as something that he can take a lead from would be useful. Or to drag him along while I do pony club kicks and try to keep him moving forwards!

So I don't really know what to put. I'm not returning to the NMM. I can't really tell you why, Needless to say I've had a harsh lesson in internet naivety and trust.
Welshy was called up to go to Austria for a month by this company again last week. The thing about Austria is that its close to a lot of different countries. He'll be racking them up while I'm here counting pennies.
He also got a call on Friday from a recruitment agency wanting to pass his details on to a company in Richmond. Obviously he is in Austria for the month but we'll see if they get in touch upon his return.

Me? Well I've applied for a job with the Natural History Museum, still waiting to hear back from TFL and the Houses of Parliament job. I've spent most of this week, in an outraged funk, considering whether I can get in touch with citizens advice, or whether I should suck it up and move on.

I rode Sunny Pony on Thursday. He's a little dick of a pony. He put in a couple of little bucks as soon as I got him into the field and then was rude the rest of the time I rode.
I only popped on for 10/15 minutes. To be honest I was uncomfortable riding him, he'd not had any exercise apart from turnout for over two weeks. I did consider not getting on him, but felt obliged.
He did produce a few strides of good trot and we finished on a good note, where I was walking up back to the gate and he kept rushing back so, i'd turn him in a big circle and we spiraled our way back to the gate, by the end however he did walk sensibly up so we ended it there.
I had to be very forceful and rough with him though, because of his lack of manners. I hated that, I've never been a member of the "yank and kick" school of riding and especially not on a small pony just starting his training. But I needed to do it.
He's not dangerous, just naughty, having toddler tantrums in a hope that it means he can avoid work. I'm not soft enough to let him get away with this. THAT will result in a dangerous pony. Certainly not one that's supposed to be a child's first pony.

Oh yes. Yesterday Me and Welshy were discussing that if we managed to get work, we should go back to India for a week in the New Year and then a week on the Anaman Islands before moving on to Thailand for a week.

NEED WORK THOUGH!!!!!

Just two more days at that place to go. Today wasn't too bad, just deadly boring. I was taking card payments, a fiddly process.
Come Monday I go back to the NMM, and I can get my rosta and then plan a time to go ride Sunny Pony for the first time :)
Yay!
I got some good schooling books to give me some ideas about what to do with him, although I think to begin with I shall take it easy, do some inhand walks (he's never hacked out alone before), a little schooling and some bomb-proofing maybe. Let him get to know me, and get confidence in me.
I'm planning to arrange a lesson with the lady who broke him (isn't that a horrid word?) in next week. She rides at Advanced Medium Dressage and is a BSJA so higher than any instructor I've had. I'm hoping to learn loads off of her.
I can't wait for this week to be over. I'm a bit confused as I applied for a receptionists job but this week I've just done admin.
Ho. Hum.
Still I can put this into a CV and big it up for further job applications I guess. Welshy is home on Saturday from his adventure in remote Austria. It sounds quite nice from what he says. Only 2,000 people. It makes San Adrian seem a thriving bustling city.

Oh God. I really can't face the idea of going back tomorrow. Can you have a fake sicky from a work trial?

Let me talk you through today. I had to finish off my task from yesterday. Only my 164 pages bred overnight to become 214. I had to place a plain white sticker on all of these, and match the form up with the correct students registration form.
So I got stuck in, adding the stickers as I went. My potential boss didn't like that method.
"No you have to put the stickers on before."
"Why?"
"That's the way I want it done."
So I shrugged, silently fumed and stuck all the stickers together and then started to match them up. I was left with about 100 stickered forms.
"what shall I do with these?" Expecting a place to store them.
"Oh shred them all."
Wow. So that irritated me. Not only is it a huge waste of my time but its a waste of resources. Poor trees!

So my next task was to open the mail and organise it, so I did, my office handles all the post for four different centres. Again doesn't seem the most efficient way of running things but ho hum.

There was a Polish girl working next to me, taking payments. She had a massive stack of paperwork and seemed to be one of only two people in an office of 6 that could answer the phone. So I asked her what to do with them. She said to start by checking all the information was there, payment, passport photos etc.
So while I was doing that Potential Boss asked me to answer the phone if anyone was calling and the two girls were busy.
Which, you know, I don't mind, although I was a bit put out, that no one else seemed to answer the phone and that she hadn't given me any information about what to say on the phone to people.
So I asked Polish girl when we went to lunch.
After Lunch she asked me to make sure all these people from the mail were in the register for the right centres. So I did that, changing the paperwork from pencil to pen and adding in if I needed.
So I did that, that occupied me for most of the rest of the day, I felt good. I felt useful, I was helping her by answering the phone. I was getting work done. Proper work.
Then Polish girl had to take the banking away so Potential Boss decided to show me how to take payments. All going well, exactly the same as in Bookings at the NMM. Then after she'd taken the payment, she said about recording reciepts at the end of the day. Which seemed bad to me. I'd get confused. I'd put the wrong receipt with things. So I said why can't I do it as I go? Again seemed more logical to me.
"Oh no, that's not the way we do it."
Fixing me with a steely look.
She then looked at the pile that looked like it was threatening to engulf the table. Taking one piece and holding it between her fingers.

Turns out I'd been doing it wrong, had to record what course they were doing, any medical needs and write more stuff on. Also I'd stapled them together wrong. So I had to take it all apart, rebuild her pile.
She didn't believe me when I said I hadn't been told all this, that some of the mistakes weren't mine.

Oh and because of this, the whole office left work 10 minutes late. People were angry with me

New job.

So I knew it'd be a bad day when I smashed a button against my finger getting dressed. It stung like shit.
Trying to get things sorted to go to work, and mums decided that suddenly its drastically important that she goes and orders a moonpig card for her friend's birthday. Despite already having got her a card.
So she bitches that I was rushing her and making her flustered but I was in a hurry! I only needed to print a damn form but it made me late. 
I got the bus full of schoolkids. One decided to drip his ice pole all down my leg. From 11.30 - 4pm I shredded 23 bin bags of paper. Then Then I looked through 164 sheets of paper to find 6. I then had to go through the stack again and put stickers on.Then my bus drove past me on the way home.  
Tomorrow my task is to match all 164 pieces of paper with the students register details. 
Helpfully both sets of papers are not in alphabetical order.

Still Roast dinner for tea and then a nice bath. 

Oh Welshy is in Austria teaching supply English classes. So not fair.

Sunny.

So I went to see Pony today. He was adorable. A newly turned 5-year old Liver chestnut with white socks and a stripe.
His owners are complete novices but very sweet seeming. They seem to think that I'd be able to give them all sorts of advice - like an expert! - and be able to ride him through his problems.
I didn't ride him then, he was a bit footy. He def needs his hooves trimmed and being a native is at risk of laminitis, they also suspect he has a bit of sweet itch too.
They kept telling me all his bad habits - which really are nothing considering his age. He just seems a typical cheeky pony who's getting away with a few naughty habits despite their attempts to be strict.
Anyway, hopefully I'm going to visit him again in a few days and then we'll ride. He apparently has a bit of a buck on him! I've ordered some good schooling books online and am looking forward to pottering about the countryside on him. Maybe we'll even get some jumps sorted, once all his flatwork is established.

Job Hunting.

So we've been job hunting both of us. We went to Reed recruitment and they offended Welshy greatly by telling him he was unemployable.
We've had mixed success, the usual amount of more rejections than invites for interviews. But Welshy had two for a data mining job, that he found out today he didn't get and a phone interview to another place.
He signed up for a job teaching TEFL as a supply and has been offered a chance to go to Austria next week for the week. He's mulling it over.
Also he's been offered an internship at another language school starting on the 1st of next month. Not what he wants but its a start.
And me? Well I had an interview for a receptionist's job in a school in Lee Green, going on a week's trial for that next week. Its not filling me with joy tbh. Mainly cos the moneys not great and I don't like the idea of places telling me when I can and can't go.
The NMM has finally sorted out when I can restart there, I only did it a month ago! Moving quickly for them! Lol. I only want to do three days a week there to get money coming in and to stop myself falling into the trap there.
What else? Oh yes, I applied for a job for TfL working as a receptionist in the taxi section. This was a month ago and THEY'RE still considering their options as to who to interview. But I consider it good that they emailed me today to ask me if I'd like to also be considered for a job working admin three days a week in another section. This'd be good as they pay masses better than the NMM and three days a week there means no weekends. Whoop Whooop!
So next week I go on trial at this school, the week after that I return to the NMM and I wait for TfL to get back to me - oh and I applied for a job at the Houses of Parliament, deadline for that is on the 25th. If I don't get an interview I will be outraged. I have everything they require for that job.
H2 and her kids came to visit at the weekend, we spent the day at the Transport Museum. Honestly I never realised it would amuse the kids for FOUR hours straight. Longer if she hadn't gotten bored!

Other news!

I answered an advert for someone looking to share their very green chestnut NF pony. Just 5 years old. I go to meet his owners at the weekend. I've done a bit of facebook stalking and that along with some of their photos and comments make me suspect that they are also novice owners. They seem very nice though. I'm looking forward to meeting him and meeting what I already consider my pony!

So life as an unemployed bum continues.
However I do have an interview on Wednesday, to do a Tues-Fri job as a receptionist at a language school in Lee Green. I can't tell you any more about it than that because I know nothing else. Can't even remember what the wage is. I saw it on the jobseekers website so can't be much pennies.
I applied for it during my resignation rage and that was over a month ago. Meh. We'll see what happens.
Two jobs that I have applied for, that I want though. One is for Transport for London, its ok money, local and best of all I get two free oystercards for free London travel. That would make me happy. I can't believe since starting this blog, fares on the bus have gone from 80p to a whopping 2.30-ish.
The other is to do gallery and tour guide work at the Houses of Parliament. I know I left the NMM vowing never to get back into that work again, but for 19k (3k a year more than what I left with, wage wise) starting salary (rising to 24k) no Sunday work and alternate Saturdays would suit me ok. Hopefully would work ok so I can go to football anyway :)

Speaking of football, my beloved Charlton gained promotion back to the Championship. I was very happy, but also sad as I have no money to afford to renew for next year.

Welshy also has an interview for "data mining" whatever that means. He's been trying to teach himself HTML with thanks from H2's husband. I hope he gets it. We went to a recruitment agency last week and the man told him he was unemployable and couldn't help him and he's been a bit depressed and mopey ever since.

Oh yes. Bored last week I did a bit of advert reading and responded to a woman who wanted someone to school her horse for her as she didn't have time. Free Horse Fun! Who could resist! So I replied telling her what I could and couldn't do, height/weight etc and where I was based and now I'm waiting a reply. I say waiting. Obsessively checking my email is more realistic!
I'm starting to fret that because I didn't give any details (other than my email address that I had to fill in when I applied) that she won't/can't get back to me.
More realistically, its because I'm not good enough for her pony.
I REALLY need a job so I can ride again. Spending my days reading Horse and Hound Forums and looking at ponies I can't afford to keep as of yet is not a suitable substitute for Pony Fun

And. Final good thing (for now) H2 + children are coming to visit next Saturday! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

2 headed shark attack....

.... is the name f the film I'm currently watching. Its as amazing as the name suggests.

Anyhoo, today I went to see my pony friends hooved and footed. And here's the questions(s)

1. Where would you draw the line at, for riding I mean. I love it more than anything else in the world ever. But, when do you say its time to stop? My Mum quit after her car accident, she can't risk any more damage to her back and neck. But she misses it greatly. One of the Instructors at my old year broke her back falling off onto a pile of bricks. She was warned that any more damage could result in her being in a wheelchair for good. But she still rides. I wonder if it was me, whether I'd carry on or quit. Riding's an addiction pure and simple. A guy today fell from a horse, not the horses fault. He was doing a stretching exercise and simply lost balance and slipped. Turned out that he recently recovered from being in a wheelchair. Wouldn't that make you think. Yeah. I'll stay away from high-risk sports. I wonder if something like that might make me quit.
2. Do you think animals can feel guilt? Or shame? Or is that anthropomorphising a bit? I ask because when this rider came off and was paralysed unable to move, his horse stayed by his side. He could have wandered off anywhere, but stayed a few steps from his downed rider. The instructor was busy with injured man, so I nipped into the school and grabbed the horse. Poor Bo, instantly buried his head in my armpit and just looked so sorry and guilty, I had to keep petting him to cheer him up. 

My beautiful ship is all fixed again! :)
Remember this?

Its now repaired and back to normal. Opens again to the public on Thursday. 

I love *my* ship :)

Its a bit ridiculous that after a 10 hour sleep, and having been awake for just over an hour, I'm ready to do back to sleep.

I'n sure people told me there was a drought in the UK. How comes its rained virtually every day since we've been back?
This is all deadly familiar. Applying for jobs I fear I won't get. Feeling desperately unqualified for everything. Looking at jobs and dismissing them. I felt like this when I returned from Derby. Do you remember? Feeling lost and lonely and missing what I had.
Mum keeps on at me to go back to the NMM or apply for shop work, I don't want that. But there's that niggling feeling that perhaps thats the best I can aim for.
Welshy scorns me. Tells me I'm pathetic for feeling this way. How can I tell him when he doesn't understand? I don't want to. Am I imagining all this and being stupid and girly?
I don't want to go and work in the City and commute. I hate that. I feel it raising my blood pressure being jostled and pushed by busy rushing people.
I wish I could get a decently paid job locally and not commute. I want to leave London and not return. I want to be secure somewhere and not leave home and be forced to come back within a year or so.

This gloomy weather gets me down. I need to snap out of this and readjust to being at home again, being dependent on Mother's whims and moods. Convince myself that she's wrong and I can do more than what she expects of me. And wait for Welshy to come home and see what happens.......

Home again...

I don't even understand what's going on with Blogger now.

Anyway. I'm home from Spain. I'm absolutely heart broken about this. I love that Bumpkin Town. I love travelling 14 hours to get home. I love walking through the town square and being besieged by kids calling me.
I miss 2 euro bottles of wine and the honesty system in Anai, which led to us racking up whats possibly a 50e if not more bar bill because we kept forgetting to pay. I miss warm freshly made bread from Ogipan. I miss crazy people singing and dancing on the streets at 6am.
I miss three day weekends and I miss going to Calahorra for riding. I miss the sheer friendliness of the people. And the insanity of fiestas for Domestic Pets.
So why am I home? Two months earlier than planned?
We resigned. Our boss was crazy, forgetting to pay us, paying us a LOT less than what he initially promised when we left the UK. He dropped classes on us with no warning, meaning we had no plans ready. He interrupted classes and insisted on talking Spic to them.
Cracks appeared in mine and Welshy's relationship. We bicker a lot, but our arguments became serious. Drunkenly several times we discussed ending it. Sometimes I felt like there was a distance and I couldn't talk to him like I've always been able too.
It was hard. We're both independent people, we both drive each other crazy and we need our own space from each other. Suddenly we couldn't do that. We worked together, we lived together. We had no other friends, we couldn't go out without each other. The only break I got from him (and vice versa) was when I'd go for an hour to do a company class, or when I went for 3 hours on a Friday to ride.
It was stressful. He decided we needed to come home for our sanity, for our relationship to survive. Our boss had taken out a small argument with me, out on my class of 4 year olds, nearly reducing them to tears.
He blamed Welshy for him having to take a class, and both of us going home. That Welshy should have checked and confirmed this class with my boss. My boss has been taking this class since Feb. Three Months. As far as we were concerned there was no mistake with the timetable, but my boss felt there was. Conviently forgot that it was his class and then blamed us for it.
We fought that night and on Wednesday two weeks ago, I woke to the sound of Welshy writing his resignation letter. Mine followed shortly after. Our boss ignored the emails even though we knew he had read them and on Friday we were on holiday in Lisbon - a beautiful place - and we forced the issue, offering to go at the end of the week, to not work a notice.
Monday night we got the reply that he would meet us at 8am and discuss it. Tuesday 8.45, he knocks. We sign our resignation letters and that was it.
We took a weeks holiday in San Adrian and then drunkenly, sadly returned home a week ago.

So now what? I don't want to go back to the NMM. Welshy doesn't want to go back to Car Counting. So we're both signing on and applying for many things. The mother is pleased/angry that we are back, take your pick. She keeps talking about how she cant afford to keep us and how we need to do work about the place. Chores. I bite my tongue and try not to remind her that The Brat lived for a year on the dole and didn't pay rent, how he never helps about the house and how he can't be expected to help now as he's working, but yet I was still expected to do chores while I was working. Nothing changes there.....

I want to go back. I miss the lifestyle, the bumbling struggling attempts to speak Spanish. I miss going to different Spanish cities. I miss going to Camp Nou and the Bernabau. I miss discussing the football with the little kids. I miss playing with my Toddler students. I miss the fact that we didn't go out on an evening until 2am, instead of coming home at 12 and thinking I've had a good night. I miss coming home at 3am and seeing little old ladies just heading out for their night of fun to get started.

I miss the dust, the boredom, the being bemused by the culture and eccentricities of it all.

Welshy is visiting Wrexham now, it will do us good to have this break from each other. We'll see what happens when he comes back.

Yes. Here you can buy Barca crisps. Or even Real Madrid crisps if thats more your thing.

There's a new giant sweety shop thats opened up here over the xmas break. Still not sure i'm down with sweet shops selling pickles, onions and olives. Doesn't seem quite right.

Urk. Talking over last nights events and wondering why I stink so much of smoke, I realise that I drank a hefty amount of wine last night.

Not bad for someone who hates it normally.

Its 1am, me and welshy have just performed "Head, shoulders, knees and toes" on a table in front of a baying audience.

The town is full of fire. I can see at least 7 from where I am. We have returned from our invited party where we ate chops, TDR risked Pig Cheek. (horrible looking, greeny and reminded me of a cross between bacon and intestine).
My glasses got smashed by a misplaced football pass.
A man kept leaping through the BIGGEST fire shouting "Viva San Anton! Viva San Adrian!"

(Apparently he is the patron saint of animals)

Anyway, we left that about midnight. Walking by Ogipan Welshy gets hailed by a student. We join his party Welshy is told that "You speak English well. Not very Well, but well."

The man who's party this is, is trying to ride a fold up bike on one of those giant cotton reel type things, the kinda that you get in factories with cable on.
He earlier was trying to walk along it and nearly got run over. His girlfriend tried it and fell, hitting her head with a crack. She seems ok. 
Me and Welshy are curious as to whether we are the responsible adults in this party. 
Its fun shit like this that makes me love Spain and love this crazy ass town we live in. Surely nothing this fun can happen in a city like Madrid or Barca?
Its time to do some dancing I think.....

I am probably the only retarded person who is capable of walking into a fucking huge fuck off sign on a motorway. We were walking along the Road of Death to Calahorra, and I was looking down at my shoes, wondering if I should stop now to take a stone out, or should I wait a little longer till I was across the roundabout.

Looked up a little too late.... BANG..

Fucking OUCH!

TDR was full of concern. Welshy has seen too many stupid accidents of mine to be concerned and merely fell over laughing. I had a lump, a small cut and my nose hurt like shit.
I got across the road, laughing at my stupidity and then shot a lot of shit out of my nose. Certainly cleared me out!

Anyway, we had a little potter and dinner and then a walk amongst the old town in Calahorra.

Today I was cordially invited to "Fire Day". by one of the locals on Sunday. He announced that there will be much drink and much food.

I fear the fire I saw the other day was a prelude to this and I shall be burnt at the stake and eaten while the locals let their tails out of their trousers and dance about with pitchforks.

"Come to Spain Charby, its hot here."

Today its a whopping 2 degrees. In England its currently a heady 5....

After a day chilling out, I took TDR on a tour of the town today while Welshy got on with my Stats thats due in tomorrow.

We wandered about the town, took all of 5 minutes. I took him to see the school, I took him about the fields and we met Grey Pony.

Now, bored I decided to go to Ogipan and get a barra for our tea.
Walk down the street and there are men building a fuck off giant fire in the street and preparing some kinda barbeque. Its so dry here, I'm not sure fires are a good sign. If you hear of a town burning down in the news, that'll be San Adrian.

Either that or they're planning a ritual sacrifice of the infidel outsiders....

This is Spanish Christmas. Well they have recently started celebrating the 25th December as well (the kids tell me that they can have up to three presents depending on how their families choose to celebrate, Xmas eve, Xmas Day and Dia de reyes. [day of the kings]). This is to signify the day that the kings arrived at the manager to meet Baby Jesus.
It also happened to be the day me, Welshy and TDR (who is here to help while my bosses are collecting their baby in Vietnam) arrived back in Spain.
We didn't have any food in our cupboards, so went to Eroski to collect food. Bad times. Eroski was shut. So onwards to Ogipan, now even on fiesta days Ogipan bakery is open as it also doubles as a bar. Not today however.
So we went home and made a makeshift meal out of sweetcorn and mint matchmakers.

So. Traditional New Year round up.

High points of this year? Promotion at the Museum, Getting Olympic tickets (208 days to go!) my holidays to the Lake district and Vegas, leaving the Museum at last and moving to Spain.

I remember at the start of the year somehow knowing that this year would be different, that I wouldn't end it how it started and this has proved to be correct.

My Bucket list to achieve before I am 30, is reaching another target ticked with my slow, unsteady progress in Spanish. Welshy is more fluent than me, but I have been lazy practising. We're hoping to take the equivalent of a GCSE in May.

Our contract in Spain ends in June. I'm not sure what to do next. I kinda like the idea of staying in Spain for another year. Maybe not where we are now, I love the eccentricities of our town but 14 hours to get home is a bit much and its impossible for visitors to come.

If I am to progress onto year 2 of my course I need to try and get a new job, either in England or in Spain. To have at least that first k saved for the fees. I need to get CELTA qualified in order to help my job prospects if I go to Spain. There goes another grand.

But June is a long time away so there is plenty of time to decide whats best then.

Bad points to 2011? I'm not sure really. Nothing that affects me personally too much, of course The Crisis as those in Spain refers to the Economy. The Riots certainly weren't pleasant but nothing to bother me really.

No. I think 2011 is the first time in a long time where I can't think of any real bad point to the year.

So I won't tell it to Fuck Off. I'll wish it a pleasant farewell and now look eagerly forward to 2012.