Monday, September 03, 2012

Had really nice day with H2 and Oldest Child at paralympics, my face got burnt! lol! Watched Oscar Grumpypants pick up his silver and David Wier get his Gold.
I really regretted having no money, couldn't afford to buy a nice souvenir and I couldn't afford to buy tea or anything to drink until H2 gave me one of her water bottles. On my way home I counted my change and thought I could buy a small portion of chips on my way home (There's nothing to eat in the house, I can't afford to shop for me and The Brat and so he's started buying his own food and I simply can't - I've lived off of 5 for £3 supernoodles and peanut butter sandwiches all week - and then Brat ate three quarters of a jar of  peanut butter in one of his unholy concoctions, so then I ate bread and butter sandwiches! Thank fuck Mum's home tomorrow!)
Anyway, turned out I was 2p short for chips so I ate another packet of supernoodles when I got home! Hahaha!
I was so hopeful that I could sell the three paradressage tickets I had spare for tomorrow after people let me down and gain 30 quid but I can't and I just cried all the way home on the 386.

I've always kinda felt that things would get better, even on days when I've written here and been utterly miserable. But I just don't think that anymore. I think this is it. I will never be able to afford to escape Mother and the Brat and their poison. Life will never get any better than it was at the NMM, when I thought I had friends before that was destroyed. I'm going to look for shop work again. I was stupid to pretend that I'm good enough to do anything else. Fuck I've even learnt that I don't have enough experience to work in a Museum(!) After three fucking years as a Gallery Assistant and One as a Supervisor.

I dreamt I died the other night, I felt my heart stop and my blood stop pounding. It hurts I learnt. But a numbing kind of pain, but I was scared and I don't want that to happen. Thursday I will go see Sunny Pony and I will have nothing for three hours to concentrate on but him. I need that, he needs me.
And then after that he will need me on Saturday. Then my two days next week. I need to focus on those days and work forward constantly to them.

2 comments:

Hopeful ... but losing hope. said...

Hey. I know you’re feeling down, I know things are tough for you right now. But I hope we provided some fun and light relief today. We had fun and had a really good day. If I realised you didn’t have a drink earlier in the day I would have given you our spare bottle of water earlier, sorry I didn’t realise.

I do think that it’s ridiculous that 4 years at the museum isn’t enough experience to now get another job in a museum. I so do hope and wish for you that you can find a job soon, preferably one that you will enjoy in whatever that ends up being.

Glad your mum’s home soon and there will be more food in the house. I really think your brother is very selfish and immature and he should grow up. Really hoping that a half decent job comes your way and you can escape your brother and mum. Life really can be better than this. You are better than shop work and you will find something eventually.

Pleased that you have the pony and riding to keep you busy and happy at least some days.

(I do read your blog, you might have guessed, lol).

Take care. Things will pick up soon.

Love and hugs.

H x

Charby said...

Sorry, I did mean to write about my fun day, but then it just came and turned into a rant!