In a way its like he's away - which technically he is.
There's been a couple of moments which ache my heart. Like now. It's now been nearly 36 hours since we spoke and this is normal I tell myself but this is the longest we've gone for 10 years without communicating. I guess this is an unwanted record that keeps on growing. I rarely speak to my other friends weekly - I consider it keeping in good contact if I do it fortnightly!

I'm slowly starting to tell my friends, although less than three or four know at the moment. Its still I guess a bit of a hard thing to admit.
We spoke before he went away. I pushed him away a lot, always worrying that he would let me down, trying to protect myself from getting hurt (did a bad job there) being flippant, making him do all the running when it came to him visiting me because I was so insecure. (probably not much better now tbf) of course that hurt him. What i'm trying to say I guess is that I realise neither of us are blameless. We're not the people we were 10 years ago, not even 3 years ago. I still remain hopeful that the contact will stay however.

I'm just going to throw out here now that TMWMitW wrote a song a while back, he now suspects that this song was stolen and recorded by someone rather famous. Legal advice is being consulted. We'll see what happens there.

Still no news in regards to my inheritance.

Sunday was awkward. We didn't really speak. Monday he told me he was going back to Wales and he did and returned last night.
I ended up weeping to my boss at work about it on Monday but now the shock and pain has died away a little and perhaps he is right that it is for the best.

He is back now and today we walked the dog in Greenwich Park and he talked about how his brother is coming to collect some of his things.
Although things he doesn't use often. I guess he is slowly going to move himself back up there, although I'd love him to stay here, I realise that might not be possible.

So we endure, we start planning a new life away from him. I've booked a week off at Easter and am toying with the idea of taking the dog to Hampshire for the week if I can get a cheap enough deal. I could see CL there too, it has been years since I saw her last.

They are in the process of selling Nan and Granddad's stocks and shares. We have cleared their house now. I hope that when that's done, the inheritance can be sorted and we can move on from there.

Mother seems to think it could be done by the end of the month. I'm anticipating April.

I'm planning my first ever solo holiday - it will be a treat for when I clear 700 pounds worth of credit card debit or when I get my share of the inheritance. It wouldn't be far or long. Just a long weekend in Europe somewhere.
Everyone has to start somewhere and when I have enough courage about going away alone then I can try long haul. To the places I've always wanted to go but Welshy hasn't been keen. Canada. Australia. We'll see what happens. Obviously I need money first.

I've been trying to do some research into what to do with it. I'm hoping for 25k once all is said and done. Unfortunately that's not enough for a home of my own in London or even the outskirts of NW Kent which is local.

I'm considering the idea of buying a place up in Derbyshire and renting it out. At least I can then have some additional income and should I become unemployed for any reason again I can sell it.

We'll see.... knowing the way my luck goes. I'll be lucky to get 25p and be here this time next year attempting to get out of my debts still...

I loved St Petersburg. Russia was cold - not as cold as ancipated - but so, so pretty. The architecture especially the churches, the winter palace and the Hermitage.
We explored, got caught in a snowstorm, stumbled over ice. Ate pancakes, swam and made use of the sunas and restaurant where i ate in pitch darkness. I really recommend it to anyone and I'd love to see Moscow now.

Welshy and I broke up, its been on the cards for 2 years. We tried to do it in November. 10 years of friendship, 9 years dating and its over and that's quite scary.
He stayed in a different hotel to the one we booked. I spent the evenings alternating between hysterical sobbing and loudly bellowing out break up songs.
I relied on him to keep me strong for so long and he relied on me, and now its stifling, we don't talk any more.
He will be back upstairs in mums room this week and then away for three with work.
Then who knows. I don't want to lose him at all but today and the silence around each other has been horrid so perhaps best he moves out when he can.

During the day i can make grand plans and tell myself i will be ok. In the evenings i crumble and i wosh i was stronger. I am frightened of life without him - he has been the only person to care about me for a long time and life alone seems strange but i am so glad we don't have kids or a place of our own or any commitments past the animals.

I remind myself that what will come will never be as hard as what i have endured and i cross my fingers that, that is true and i will continue to endure.

Bit later than planned but here's my 2015 roiund up!

It was a meh year. Which the older I've got, the more I realise that's a terrible thing to say. I spent the first two thirds slowly paying off various debts and now I'm working on that credit card. (300 quid paid off out of a 2,800 debt!) so we're getting there slowly, and then can work on the overdraft. I would like it to be quicker but at the same time I've made as many cutbacks as I can although I know that I could do a LOT more such as stop riding but I have to maintain my sanity in this house somehow.

I also travelled this year - again not as much as I'd have liked but I went to the Baltics which were surprisingly pretty. Copenhagen was a bit of a disaster and took a long time to get the compensation back for that. Helsinki was a bit "meh" and very expensive so I probably could have done more if I had money, but I didn't so hey ho.

I got a dog! That was an amazing upside. I have bored everyone on Facebook with endless pup photos and statuses. She makes me laugh daily. She is great company when Welshy is away and encourages me to go out and not sit at home eating or being bored. I have spent a lot of the last 11 days thinking up adventures for her and we've been clocking 9 mile walks!

I have continued riding and I'm definitely better than this time last year. I had a huge confidence knock but I've learnt how to sit rears, hold a bit of a contact, how to wobble my way over 70cm jumps with vague competency, I learnt how to feel if she's lame.

My Nan died. This has led to the usual dramas. URGH. House clearance was slightly awkward. Obviously Mother and Boy were completely useless for this and as always I had to pick up the pieces. I can't wait for it all to be finished!

I've carried on learning a little Spanish - not sure if its improved at all and I've spent the last 11 days teaching myself half-hearted Russian in preparation for my trip at the end of January.

Work is ok. Sometimes boring, sometimes manic, sometimes frustrating. I'm learning lots and sometimes spending my days playing facebook games. I'd like more money but I know more money doesn't exist and I technically got a pay rise when London Living Wage went up.

Me and Welshy are drifting. Are we falling apart? I don't know. Maybe this time next year we won't be together. Maybe we will. I'm not too sure what to say about this or even how to process it in my head, although I'm not falling apart about it as much as I was last year.

My goals for 2016 are as simple. Carry on clearing the credit card and overdraft debts. I'd like to be at least out of the credit card debit by 2017, of course there is the hope that I'll get something once Nan and Granddad's wills are sorted and that would clear both!

The remaining goals from before I turned 30 remain. To have my own home and my own horse. I'd like to reach 30 countries this year travel wise (current total 26).

I'll try and be better with this as well.

So happy new year if you're out there.

Xmas was ok. I rode, I walked the dog. Skyped Mother and made a roast dinner for me and The Brat.

He ate his in his room and that was the last I saw of him all day.

I've been doing 5-7 mile walks most days.

Went out with work people on 23rd. Got absolutely cunted. Threw up twice when I got home. Out to see Lovely tonight. Urgh. I hope my year of enforced sobriety hasn't destroyed my ability to drink. I had the worst hangover (and I don't get hangovers!) the next day.

Simply ages between blogs.

Life is busy. Spanish lessons, work, riding, puppy (she has started flyball classes and loves it - first comp next Easter), quizzing...

I didn't renew my season ticket. I am glad of this - can you imagine me putting this when I started this blog?? I can't afford to go, I don't want to go. The football is appallingly bad. The way the club is run now is appallingly bad.

We are going to Russia - St Petersburg in January.

I think me and Welshy are splitting up. I don't know. To be honest I am not as affected/heart broken about it as I was last Summer.
He says he loves me but he isn't in love with me. He has moved upstairs to Mum's room, night times are awkward and I find it hard to go to bed knowing he is upstairs.

He has realised that he has - at times - treated me quite badly, to be fair, he has always been there for me for stuff like Dad, Mum, Grandparents, Sackings....

But yeah, he's never supported me in my attempts to leave home, even though he knows how much I hate it here. Even doing his best to scupper attempts, he doesnt pay rent or contribute like he should and I had to point out to him that it is me who does 3 walks a day with the dog while he sits about in his PJ's.

He is depressed/battling depression and I get that and I think this affects his thinking.

The finance officer at work has been away for a bit and he has been stepping in to help out, he says the work is boring but he likes the wage - a substantial amount more than I get per hour! In fact he could do 3 days a week and be on the same salary as me. I am as much amused by that as I am hating it.

I don't know what it will be like to go to Russia and stay in the same room/bed if we are broken up.

We've spent nearly a third of our lives together and I told him the thought of losing him completely from my life kills me. He is my best friend. He knows more about me than anyone else, more than I even put here on my top super secret diary.

The change from best friends to lovers was slightly awkward, and I'm guessing the change back would be just as awkward, I'd prefer him to stay here, upstairs. I don't know how much longer he'd be needed at work but if he became a proper staff member that would be preferable to him going back to Wales as has been mooted.

I am just leaving him to make his mind up really. If he stays then there must be support for me, as sad as it is, I am 32 living at home. I want my own place to decorate and do as I wish and not have to tidy up or even flush the toilet after my brother (who is 30 btw) and fret that he has come home drunk and left the gas on (as he has been known to do).

Tomorrow is the end of an era as I go to Nan and Granddad's for the last time and collect the dolls that were left to Mum in Nan's will and select a few more items that she wants.

I have had to be the go between for this. Mother refused to speak/email them directly. Even to ask them for the items I wanted.

I hope that this means things are moving forward and once the house sale is completed then the inheritances could be sorted. The house has gone for (I believe) 80k. Plus stocks, shares, accounts and life insurances I think everyone could get 100k. Mother said that she would split 50k between me and The Brat. Its not really enough for a deposit,
Who knows? I need at least 5k to clear my debts, which ARE going, just not as fast as I'd like. I am thinking of using another 5k on the horse I've always wanted. Leaves me with 15k.

I will have to take advice on what to do with it. I don't want to waste it but I have no idea about investments and shit like that. We'll see. It may well be a lot less. If I just got 5k to clear my debts I'd be happy.

I have reached my year anniversary at work. (well from my temping days anyway) I still like it, although sometimes it's frustrating and exhausting. We had a panto company come and there was some panic over if we'd make a profit from it or not.

We finish for xmas on the 23rd and I'm looking forward to two weeks of chilling out and just riding and walking the dog. It will be me and The Brat again. Let's see what happens.

There wasn't enough money for the funeral. Everyone was to contribute 600 pounds. This caused a shit storm.
"How can there not be enough money?"
"Because Granddad's funds have not been released yet and there was a fucking 10k court case"
"I think there should be more than enough money. Perhaps the Courts would be interested to hear this, and know that L (mother) had a holiday to Las Vegas booked."

FFS.

Anyway, money eventually got released from Granddad's funds. The funeral went ahead (the coffin was rather spiffing - if a waste of money) They tried to speak to me I ignored them and left as soon as was polite.

It has rained a lot, I have done some Spic practise, Welshy has been home and now back in Austria. We took puppy to a dog festival and she caused a screaming scene in all the dog show competitions for Welshy outside the ring.
She loved flyball and search and rescue and chase the lure have a go games.

We did an agility have a go, and were just a bit too late to have a go at a working gundog scurry have a go.
Went to the stables today and poor V pulled a shoe while riding.

So lets update as I feel the situation on here is stupid enough to need a full update.

• The death certificate was wrong. As in the wrong maiden name and date of birth.
• Before registering the death (a full 6 days after she died and three days after telling mum it wasn't for her to do) they went to the care home and demanded the 200 pounds that she had in her pocket money account there.
• They arranged the funeral for Sept 14 - 35 days after she died as they all have holidays booked.
• They want the most expensive coffin as "mum deserved the best" which is a shame that they argued that she didnt need to go into a home, didn't need one to one care after her fall earlier this year where she broke her hip.
• They want to take the coffin on the Woolwich Ferry. I have no idea of the logistics of this.
• They had to change the date to Sept 15. They realised that there is no money for a funeral as the care home fees are 60k. 
• Granddad's will is now - 20 months after his death - being sorted. 
• They realised they cannot use Granddad's money for the funeral, no one else seems to have money for a funeral.
• They told Mum that they are not happy with her using Nan's money for the solicitor after the court case. This is even though the solicitor was trying to get the will sorted so it could go to Nan. This is about 5k.
• They demanded all of Nan's accounts, they clearly didn't believe the court judgement that nothing untoward has gone wrong and also the finances up to Nan's death. I expect there will be some fallout there.
• Nan and Granddad's house was up for sale briefly at 475k.  I know of one account that had 10k in, another that as of Jan last year had 17k. There may be others. There is life insurance, there is stocks and shares. I think best case scenario is that the estate is worth 600k. There are 6 siblings. Is it worth all this drama and hassle? I'd be well away if I was given 100k. Apparently it is worth the drama.
•  We still have no idea who has paid the council tax and utilities for Nan and Granddad's old house. My cousin has been squatting in there since Granddad died. Judging by the above do you guys think they'd let him stay there out of goodness of their hearts? Do you think he's accessing money from another account? Its entirely possible!
• Yesterday I found out that my uncle I has got the police to investigate my uncle M who is a will executor and although not whiter than white in this whole sorry fiasco is the last person I'd expect to be accused of embezzlement. M is a solicitor. His entire career is now in jeopardy. Is throwing your career away worth 600k at most? I can't imagine so. 

I think that's everything guys. I'll update as and when more drama occurs.....

It was my birthday. I turned 32. Nan's funeral is scheduled for the 15th of September as they all have holidays booked. So she sits rotting in a morgue for 36 days. Everyone is fighting over money. I even have vague dreams about what I might get and then feel a little bad.
We had a community fun day at work that I organised, it went well. Welshy is in Serbia and I had a very bad day yesterday.
I have done some small gardening and went to Willowtree. The lady who owns it is selling up so we went for a last look.
Nostalgia. The first place I made friends, Like P and E. A place I have known and felt at home since I was 6. The place that inspired a lifetime of horses, memories of mini-adventures, laughs, sadnesses, horses that I've known and loved, tears and loss and regaining of confidence around horses. I always thought it would be there. I hadn't visited in I don't know how long. 2009? 2010? The place was run down, hardly any horses, hardly any staff. Standards slipped - never ever would we have left an empty haynet in a stablefloor with a horse.
I hit a car at the stables I visit now. I fear it to be an expensive insurance job - apparently both sides of the bumper need replacing not just the side I hit?
They all had a party there and I wasn't invited. I tell myself I don't mind but I'm a little hurt I didn't get invited. My paranoid self tells me its cos no one there likes me. Real me tells me to stop acting like a child and oversights happen.

So Mum went to register the death today.
Only to be told by Uncle D that it was nothing to do with her, that she wasn't to interfer and he would make all the arrangements and to pass over Nan's finances immediately. Oh and the funeral would be at some point in September as "we all have holidays booked".

Mother went hysterical, flew back to Grotty this afternoon. I'm here to pick up the pieces as always. She took my house and car keys with her.
That's a bit of a nuisance really.

My Nan died today. I think in this blog's entire existence she has been a distant figure, definitely demented and causing all sorts of issues before she went into the care home and I'm finding it hard to remember what she was before.
Amazing Knitter, Good painter, Land Girl, Dog lover, cake maker. What now is called a Health Care Assistant, Someone who comforted me when I was terrified of the Original King Kong film, someone who fed me awful mashed banana sandwiches.
Her and Granddad would take us to Kent and we'd go fishing, butterflying, making jams from brambles.
She lost two children before she had Mother and had a breakdown and in those days that meant a stay in a mental home.
She was probably illegitimate, left school at 14 and worked in a children's home.
6 Children (surviving) one adopted daughter, fostered another child - of which I am named.

Apart from me and Mum not one of the others have been near her in Months. She went a little ill a fortnight ago, Uncle J popped round, stayed for 20 minutes, the others requested to be kept informed by phone if there were any changes.

The nurses checked on her in the night and found her "unresponsive" they called a paramedic. The Paramedic attempted CPR. Mother and the others were called. Mother was there at 5.40. She left at 10. Not one of the others had been there.

Uncle D sent mother a text informing her (As we have no contact with them they have no reason to know she has been in the country) that she is not to interfer with "the body and leave the care home to make the arrangements"

It was a shock, an expected shock, we thought despite the dementia she would go on for years. Their attitude has been appalling and documented again throughout this blog. Will they get guilty? What will happen now? Nan's estate is still not sorted from Granddad's death last year, More waiting and seeing but I'm glad Mum was here at least and not in Lanzarote.

I really get quite tired of talking about money on this.
Welshy paid me 44 quid or rather agreed to pay my share of the council tax in return for me doing some work for him so Wheee! I thought, this will be an extra 44 I can then put towards clearing the Housing Benefit. So I paid off the last 150 quid, knowing this would make the rest of the month a struggle.
That was Tuesday. I signed up for my competition - more on that later, and have been living on a strict budget ever since, buying food from the discounted section at Asda (other supermarkets are available).
Then Friday puppy got a seed lodged under her eyelid, a rush to the vets, 130 quid later and she's fine although rather grumpily agreeing to have antibiotics twice a day.
So while we wait for the insurance to pay out Welshy covered the bill, and I ended up paying his council tax as well as mine to balance out the cost.
Oh and Boy still owes me 51 pounds for his share.
We got a letter this week taking us to court AGAIN for non payment of the council tax - I paid early last month cos of being away on holiday and missing the due date, boy couldn't/didn't want to pay then as he got paid a week later, so agreed to pay his share then.
Apparently he forgot, so we got a 7 day reminder notice. He told me it was done, later. No more mentioned until this letter comes for non-payment. 44 pounds has turned into 90 pounds, he claims he did it - won't give me the reference letter.
Mothership went into fits of self pitying again - saying if only we'd let her move TMWMinW's son in, I don't want a stranger in the house, Boy is incapable of flushing the loo or even aiming correctly, I do all his plate washing for him and tidying cos otherwise I'd be eating off of paper plates - and yes I did this a few summers back so I know he won't do it, just leave it around to get mouldy and flies everywhere.
How could you move a stranger into that? And how does that solve anything? He grabbed me by the throat for goodness sakes a few months back when I asked for the money he owed me. All moving a stranger in would do, is just reduce the amount of money he owes people. Mother is convinced he is on drink/drugs and we should make allowances, so yeah. once again I'm the baddie for daring to suggest that she throws him out.

More money problems - I need to get the car brakes/tires sorted before it gets MOT-ed next month. I can't do anything about that, because of the above, because I'm also waiting for the flight insurance to get back to me about my delayed flight.

Mother is moaning to me about how if I don't get it done it invalidates the insurance if it fails the MOT, maybe if she wasn't insisting I drive to Wandsworth tomorrow to drop off some package I'd have spare time to investigate this, maybe if I had some spare money I could do this!

Onwards and upwards.
Did my competition. She got rather over excited, little bunny hop rears which makes me nervous, forgot the course, was rather tense, still got 61%, not bad, last one I did was 62% so would have beaten that bar my error on course.
Jumped fine, I look awful in the photos, she got rather excited and jumped around shouting "wheeee!" each time, I pointed, aimed, and tried to remember that it was impulsion not her running away. When I did forget that, we got a refusal on the 2nd part of a double fence.
Last fence was my bogey fence - the Green Parallel of Doom. I was full of adrenaline, didn't even consider her stopping or that I wasn't keen. She skidded to a halt last monent, I had no chance to regain my balance and went off over the shoulder - eliminated.

So not a good day really but in a way yes - I would have gotten a better dressage score if I could have a better memory than a goldfish, and I did my first ever showjumping course and didn't panic when it went tits up and almost finished and L V's owner is merrily talking about us doing more.

Met Shorty and Flash as well that day! Went to the NHM and Rainforest Cafe - Flash paid so no expense there bar travel! (yay!) And so nice to finally meet her after a 10 year friendship!

These last two weeks have been tricky money wise. However I hope tomorrow (payday) to finally pay back the housing benefit they gave me and then from next month I can move on, that extra 50 quid a month will come in handy - I do need to give the Mothership 400 though for car insurance, but i'm hoping that if I can put it off for two/three months, then i'll have a solid base to start from or to rely on when I give it to her and then struggle on.

This month will also be tight as the dog needs spaying and various bits on the car need updating before its serviced and MOT'ed. But i'm not going to think about that now. The important thing is that I do that final housing benefit payment and sort the car out and by all accounts although it will be a bit, not as much as I feared.

Work is going well, we revamped a room and hope to organise it as a hub for older people in the community. Looking into funding for a Dementia Clinic - obviously this is something close to my heart what with Nanny and Granddad being sufferers.

Trying to plan a summer Fete as well - will be a nice community thing and raise our profile a little.

I have my last probation review this week (apparently the trustees ask that all employees have a monthly review) and I hope it will go well.
I remain hopeful that at some point they will open up an assistant managers position and I can apply for that and be boosted by the improved wages. I feel groomed sometimes, my manager tells me things I'm to keep in confidence and the meetings I hold I sometimes feel are more than what a normal administrator should do - although also well aware that this isn't exactly a "normal" administrative position! If any position like that came up, I doubt it'll be this year!

V is going well and I'm going to try Combined Training again this month - it will be my one treat out of the strict budget I live in.
The puppy is getting spayed Tuesday - Christ alone knows how we will keep her from going crazy during the two weeks she is to be still.

Welshy comes home tomorrow from Russia - I was thinking about this time last year and his breakdown. He seems recovered but I am prepared now for this to happen again.

I'm meeting Flash and Shorty on Sunday - if I can work it around the competition. Will be super hard to live on my budget then but at the same time I've "known" her either through this or Facebook for 10 years so not meeting her is really out of the question!

Life plods on, I grow slowly older, I veer between utter despair of clearing my debts and hopes that I can still do it by the end of the year, but its summer and that always gives you a boost!

Went on a tour of the Baltic.
Vilinus Lithuania - Dead pretty, nothing to do.
Riga Latvia - not as pretty, more pro Russia, visited a water park and a museum of oppression. Guess what was my choice and what was Welshy's? Very much designed for Stag dos.
Tallinn Estonia - First time in airbnb. Enjoyed it, also pretty, more to do, less stag do-ey
Helsinki - why the fuck do you think people only want to drink carbonated water/water with salt/water with calcium in it? Mega expensive.
Copenhagen - bus system is a joke, Central station smells of wee. Little Mermaid statue small.

Back to work now. Puppy was amazingly happy to see me, made me all squiffy inside :) would be nice if she calmed the fuck back down now though....

So I did my combined training class. The Dressage went well. I fell off Friday before on a 70cm Parallel and i'm still suffering from that. So we refused the parallel in the class and I got eliminated.

I tried to get the money I was owed from Brat. He screamed abuse at me. I screamed back. I thought he was going to hit me.
He stormed out. I tried again a few days later. I only needed 40 pounds to get through the month. He owed me close to 200, I asked for the 40. He grabbed me around the throat and tried to throw me out the room.
I stood my ground and made it impossible for him to do so. I still didn't get my money for a fortnight after that, he told me I should get rid of my animals and stop living beyond my means.
Yes. If only we could pick and choose when we choose to pay rent and council tax, if only the housing benefit people hadn't suddenly decided I need to repay the money I had from them last summer.
If only the other people who wanted the dog paid in and did their share of feeds and walks as they promised.

This week Mother was home, I collected her late, put up with her strop when I refused to take her back to the airport at 2am the day of my competition when I had to be at the yard at 7am.
I ran around like an idiot for her, trying to fit all her demands into my day - what with puppy school and riding and spanish lessons I literally have only Monday and Saturday to do anything for myself.
She made me a chocolate cake.
This afternoon I got home to find that someone had eaten the last two slices, actually to make matters worse they'd only taken bites from the slices and left the rest.
She laughed it off and promised to make me another. Seriously what is the point? I told her about how he treats me, she told me she felt sorry for me and we've never mentioned the subject again.
What am I to do?
I no longer look forward to holidays cos I fear what state the house will be in and what I have to tidy when I get back, I fear what of my animals will be dead cos he can't be bothered to feed them, fuck only knows what will happen to the dog in the next two weeks as I can't find a sitter.

I've worked since August pretty much and am no further into paying off my overdraft or credit card because I'm constantly paying off other debts and at the moment paying apparently for Mother to go to Vegas, I've just had to find her and him the best flights and do the ESTA for them.
She whines that she has no money but yet leaves bank statements lying about showing she has 4k in savings. Informing me I need to find 500 pounds for car insurance. Which I get is my fault as I'm the one driving it not her, but urgh. So much resentment.

So much depression in knowing i'll never escape this.

Cruising along. Still stupidly poor - if it wasn't for the council tax and housing benefit nonsense i'd be 600 pounds away from the end of my overdraft. If Boy paid me what he owed me then I'd be currently 80 pounds away.
At the moment i'm 9.30 away from it. Payday is next Wednesday. I'm depressed about this. I've lived on a strict 70 pound a week budget most of the month but yet I don't seem to be getting anwhere.
I want to go on holiday. I want to renew my season ticket. I can't afford any of these things

Puppy starts classes on Wednesday, Welshy is away currently and I've signed up for a combined training competition with the horse. We jumped 65 semi-well over the weekend. I'd like to get up to 70-75cm and do the one in June as well. We'll see.


I went with Nan to get a bone scan done after her fall. Poor Nan, she couldn't cope with it, sat in the chair in a little world of her own, humming and with her hands over her ears. Tried to escape from the xray room. And yet those idiots say mum is cruel by denying her days out with the home? None o them came or showed any interest in going to the hospital despite standing up in court and lying that they had a plan in place for when mother couldn't come, and that she was shutting them out. They all had two weeks warning about this, none of them even had the decency to say "sorry, we're on holiday."

Wankers.

So we won.
A pretty hollow victory. It should never have got this far and gives all the signs onlf it being just 1-0 at halftime.
We got there at 9 but didn't meet our barrister until 10, mis communication meant he didnt know we had arrived.
Despite being told it was only to be uncle I and mother inside, all of the fuckers showed up. I kicked up some fuss so they allowed me in as well.

The judge allowed I to have first say but kept interrupting him to ask him to stick to facts and not suspicions.
All of them tried to have their say though. They were mostly ignored.
I held mums hand, tried to ignore both her and my shaking and increasing anger. It is one thing to read lies, but to have them presented to a judge as facts is another.
It mainly boiled down to three things. That mum had failed to inform them she was doing the deputyship. We had a chain of emails where they had all discussed that mum should do it. Mother had assumed that the courts informed the interested parties but apparently they don't. At least we had the emails to say it informally though.
They argued that mum had not informed them of nan's finances. Of which she does not have to do, her role involves protecting nan and if she does not want to reveal figures then she does not have to.
That Mum does not communicate anything with them.
Considering that two of them have physically attacked her and as we've seen lie, she addresses them all via email and text. Best to have written details.
Finally they argued that Mum in Spain hinders and stops her role.
The judge then did his summing up.
Yes mum had assumed that the courts informed but equally they should have assumed it was going ahead. (Lets pretend I never dictated anything down the phone to me in how to fill the form in.)
That mum being in Spain has no effect on the main part of her role which is looking after finances.
And finally. That she submits accounts to two different auditors to check finances and they have never EVER needed to question anything.
So yeah fuck you.
Case dismissed. Mum was scolded for not informing everyone properly. She (or rather Nan's money) has to pay her fees. Not their costs.
So game over. Except I fear not. Clearly hinted at was a threat that they suspect Mum to have taken Granddad's finances and thats fraud and that i fear is their plan b.
So as i said last night. We nap, we regroup and now we make a plan b just in case!

So tomorrow we go to Court.
I hate this, the waiting, the anticipation. Feeling powerless and wanting someone to step in and fix it for me.
I wonder if people in the War felt like this? Perhaps its me being too dramatic.

Welshy drunkenly last night tried to reassure me that I'm strong, and I laughed at him. Being strong would be able to find an answer for all this without it having to go to Court, I have too many days where I crumble under it all and huddle under the duvet and try to sleep the days away.

Dad's illness.
Dad's death.
The fallout
Mother's accident.
Looking after her.
Looking after Boy and failing miserably on that account, still being unable to reach him despite my best efforts.
Looking after Nan.
Looking after Granddad.
Being caught up in the middle of Mum and Boy's disintegrating relationship.
Learning of Boy's stillborn daughter.
Years of jobs that I hate or feel waste my time.
Welshy's mental illness/es
Losing my job when Granddad died.
8 Long, long dire months of unemployment.
Losing my job again in Bedford.
Now going to Court, to defend Mother and Nan against parasites. My own family.

I have never dealt with any of these things as a strong person would. I've allowed myself to get swept along, to cry and be weak instead of remaining solid, silent, impartial.
Someone strong would have dealt with it all better, I'm certain.
Do they genuinely believe that Mother is unstable? That she has used Nan's funds for her own gain? If she has I wouldn't be so far in debt!
What if Court believe the tales of a man up to his neck in CCJ's? A man who tried to remortgage the house into his own name? The lies of a woman who moved her son, into the home, mere days after he died. A person who has not worked since leaving school. Someone who has done time for drug offences?
How to fix the problem should they do?
Mother is mentally unstable. She has had two breakdowns, but yet she has always, always done her best for Boy and her parents. To lose this will destroy her.
Me? Well our relationship is well documented on here, how she relies on guilt trips to keep me compliant, how I feel ambivalent towards her, how I struggle to when I have years of being told I'm worthless, that she would have had boy and not me, but I put all that aside as I always do to look after her.
I cannot protect her from this. I cannot protect myself. If she should lose, she will lose all her savings. The house will need to be remortgaged or sold. What will happen to us all then? Boy clings to here as the last thing he has of Dad. I cannot afford a home for me, Welshy and my animals.

But. If we lose, we dust ourselves off and start again. That's all we can do, all I have done for the last 11, 12 years.

So we try to sleep, and we try to prepare ourselves mentally, because thats all I can do, and all I've ever been able to do, just face the day when it comes, look after everyone and then burrow away to recover again and prepare for the next crisis.

But. If there's someone or something out there who can fix all of the shit in my life I would be very grateful to know exactly what it is, or what I can do. I'm tired of dealing with it all.

After a week of incredible poorness I got paid! Yay Me! Slightly less poor, I'm going to be super strict this month, with a budget of 70 quid a week, that should cover petrol, food, animals and anything else that may occur.
I have to pay 150 back to the Housing Benefit people - but! Boy owes me 97 pounds currently, so that would be a large chunk of that. Of course he needs to pay me for council tax as well this week. So that probably will go up even more....

Court is on Monday and its suddenly all real and scary. I'm 95% convinced it'll go our way, if it doesn't... Well it doesn't really bare thinking about. Mother will have to pay a minimum of 9k to the solicitor and barrister, and then I's costs as well and Nan's quality of life and money will drastically decrease as well.

I'm not going to think about that. I took Pup to the woods today and that was fun, she is starting puppy school on the 9th, is insured with us and we're underway getting the microchip in our details.

Riding is going well, slowly slowly getting there, really hoping that I'll be in a position (financially!) to do some shows over the summer.

They announced a new ISA to help you buy a home this week. We're going to try our best to make use of it, but I don't think it'd be enough for a deposit in London at all!!!

I got a dog! Whoooo!

She's a nice little working bred cocker spaniel. Woman we took her from was an idiot so lots of basics being installed and hopefully puppy classes being signed up for.
She came into season so been a bit blurgh cleaning up mess but hopefully that should be over come Tuesday/Wednesday.

Mother came home Boo. Had to confess about dog, she wasn't too impressed. Blamed it on Brat. We all know she won't say anything to him. She is going to court over Nan on 23rd. Sigh. All being well it should be dismissed out of hand and uncle I will have to pay all costs but there's still that risk.

I got told I shouldn't have been given housing benfit when I did and now have to repay 405 pounds, I got the letter yesterday, and deadline is tomorrow... I don't have that. Brat hasn't yet given me 109 for council tax. so I need that back. Gotta try and call them tomorrow to arrange installments.

I need him to pay me as am pretty poor. Hopefully I can arrange a payment plan with the benefits people and then I can start to save. I wouldn't have taken on the dog had I known this was lurking around the corner obviously.....