Saturday, January 11, 2014

Crazy week and yesterday was a crazy day.
Granddad continues to go downhill. Yesterday wass upposed to be the end and indeed he did "die" a few times but his pacemaker did its job and kicked in making his heart beat again. As cruel as it sounds I wish it had an on/off switch. His dying is painful, prolonged and I am once again convinced of the need for human euthanasia.
I sat up all night at the hospital with him. As mum ended up having a fight with her brother and his partner and then came home having a crisis and sobbing about how she's been pushed out and was made to break the promise of being there at the end.
I don't know the full ins and outs of it, and nor do I want to. There is a time and place for infighting and in front of a dying, painfilled man is not it.
So I went to the hospital and stayed there all night, listening to his choking, gargling coughs. I left at 7am and walked home and slept through to half 5. I still feel really groggy and sleepy and Mother is there so I don't feel bad at not being there. I don't want to be there. I am still scared horribly of death. I would be there if needed. If he was alone, if Mother has another breakdown and runs away I will go in her place.
But let's hope it doesn't go to that again.
Kudos to Brat who broke his terror of hospitals to sit there for an hour or so and for Welshy as well who came up with me but left at 2-ish.
Speaking of Brat apparently the revelations of the other day are true. Her name was Summer and was a Prem baby. She lived a day.
I am too tired to think about this any more. I will just sit here and wait.

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