This is a work in progress.

Bxing day grandparents came around. Went to football, called the game off unnecessarily in my opinion (and many others) very close to kick off.
My grandparents are ok, its sad to see my Nan go downhill so, she told me she was going to go back to work in the New Year as she was till only "twenty-something" and then that her Mum had done her hair for the party.
Later she asked my granddad when he lost his hair. He's been bald all my life and from photos I've seen, most of my Mum's too.
Sad.

Got back into my wiifit, what with that and Worlds Strongest Man lately I have had no time to update.
Welshy came home yesterday and I am attempting to see how long I can stay at work without a day off.
If we take away the three xmas days I'm on day 11. I desperately need the overtime money if I'm to live while I do unpaid leave for my school placement.
When I get back from that, I'll be getting one weeks pay, then living for 5 weeks and 2 days on that. Bad times.

Better get going, will do a year review when I get a chance!

Happy Chrimbo everybody!

Hope you all had nice days and dinners and presents!

Whats the point in having fucking internet banking when you can never remember your important data cos you've had to re-request it so many times you've run out of combinations that you'll actually remember?
I've had to write it all down and now I can't find what I've done with it, which is fucking annoying as well.
fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck fuck.

Meanwhile I now have 3 days off for Xmas! Whoo!

Yup. Didn't get tickets. Ho Hum. We'll think of another plan.

Just got back from riding. Could only manage half an hour, was just a bit too slippy and icy out. Couldn't do much more than slow trots. Then we had a stable management lesson to get our moneys worth.
Yeah. I've spent 20 fucking years around horses. I fucking ate these poncy riders who just show up and get on and off and then hand their horse to someone else. I chewed them up, spat them out, pissed on them and then chewed them up again.
I got banned from answering questions. Haha! Then I demonstrated how to pick feet, rug and saddle a horse.
Then cos I'm so motherfuckingly awesome. I had to help teach another how to put a bridle on her horse.
He was a bit of a bitch, pulling faces, snapping his teeth and shaking his head. After a brief tussle, I just slid it on.
She was impressed. "You clearly know your way around horses."
Damn motherfucking right!
Riding was a bit interesting though, despite going slow my horse's back legs went from under her a few times coming down from trot to walk. Definately wouldn't have liked to take it any more faster than that.

Welshy's supposed to be going home tomorrow, but his train is cancelled and he's been swapped onto a later one. Fingers crossed he makes it.

Not sure my mum wants him here for Xmas, Brat made his feelings very clear last night in that he doesn't want Welshy here at all. (nor me, it has to be said and indeed feels rather unwanted by Mum. I have no idea how, as she bends over backwards to him but he's always out or in his room. Welshy rarely ventures downstairs when he's here but sits in my room or plays FM.)
Anyway. If Welshy is here for Xmas, perhaps for political reasons it is best if he does go to his friends for Xmas as much as I'd like him here.
If only we could afford to move out again!!

Went to Brentford. Don't wanna talk about it. Hate penalties.

Prob won't be able to get spuds tickets as there's less than 200 remaining. The boys have all got theirs but as I'm constricted by taking Mothership and Boy, I don't have enough credit on my Red Card. Shame but we'll find something else to do.

Went for an interview at a local school today for my PGCE app, was a bit random and definately the quickest interview I've ever had! Spent longer straightening my hair! in and out in 10 minutes.

Ho hum. Now to confirm that work can give me the unpaid leave and I'd better get a uni interview at least now!

Busy week trying to sort out missing cards and writing complaint letters, rescheduling my school placement interview, and cancelling riding. Couldn't afford it this week as I had no cards/money.
Booked it for next week only to remember that Charlton are in the Semi of the Paint Pot trophy and I have to get to Brentford.
the N.M.M.C.A.S.C Better get their arses in gear and sort out my ticket now I've done that.
Gotta try and get tickets too for our Cup game again Spurs. On Dad's birthday. They were his favourite team so it seems appropriate that we go to that as a family.

What else has been going on? MH has had her sperm donor baby. God knows that kid's gonna need all the help it gets growing up. I haven't been in touch to wish her well. She got through it ok, as I found from her sister and CL's facebook statuses and thats enough for me.

Am considering taking a language course in the New Year over at Canary Wharf. It'd be useful if I ever go and live abroad and now that mum has the apartment in Grotty, it'd be useful to be able to speak some Spanish out there. Hopefully we'll get it sorted.

Overspent again this month. Isn't good. Especially now i'm on more money. I'm supposed to be able to save the extra for uni if I get to go. Gonna have to crack down in the New Year and be good.
Didn't help that I had to repay Welshy's Dad the 20 Euro we borrowed for the weekend and paid for me and the boys to get to Sheff on the train in Jan at £168. Thank Christ the only Xmas present I still have to get is just for Brat and that we get paid a week early this month.

So yeah. Gatwick was opened at 4am. I woke up and tried to decide what to do. Meanwhile Mother who had been planning her attack then pounced on me and started telling me I was stupid for going, that I'd not get a cab to get me there and then started sobbing telling me that I was selfish for leaving her, what if I died as well?
So I decided to just risk going for the 9am call. Woke up at 6. She was still on the sofa fretting and I called a cab and went anyway.
Pretty uneventful, roads no where near as bad as expected and I got there just in time for last call - not the way I roll! So I ran across Gatwick in my socks to make the flight.
Flight ok. Got to Barca ok, managed to get on a train ok.
20 minutes into my train, I got pickpocketed, somehow. lost my wallet, all my Euros and my bank cards. I met up with a friend of Welshy's and he took me back to his while I tried to get things sorted.
BTW Natwest are not Britain's most helpful bank. They cancelled my cards no problem, then refused to transfer any of my money into his account.
for ttwo hours I wasbounced arond the telephone system, each of them telling me they were sorry but couldn't do anything as neither of us have internet banking.
WTF. What about old people who have never heard of the internet? Neither of us had money for food, accommadation, transport. We were stranded. I plan on writing a complaint letter.
Eventually we managed to get his Dad to give us 200 Euro. Which after paying for accom, left us with 100 Euro to live on for 3 days.
Clearly the most rational way to deal with any other problem is to drink. So between us, we got through a bottle of vodka and a bottle of absinthe in two nights.
Lived in a falt with a photo of a child lying in a pool of blood. I mean what? Not sure the camera's the first thing I'd think of if I was told my child had been shot/knocked down/whatever.
Creepy.
And Miss Haversham from Great Expectations lived there.

Gotta go, gotta get ready for work.

Oh. Cricket Wooo!

Sigh.
Snow is disrupting everything. Gatwick has been closed for two days. So I was preparing myself for a cancelled flight, except mine appears to be the only one going ahead when it reopens at 6am tomorrow.
my Flight is supposed to be at 7:05. EasyJet website claim it will take off then. I hope that I can believe the Gatwick Website more as it says it will be 9am.
9am is do-able. 7am is not any more.

So I'll be giving it a go early tomorrow!
Now where's my team of Huskey dogs?!

Snowing at last.
Quite frankly I'm getting sick of it. Snow was much more exciting when it happened once every ten years. Now its every year, its just a bit meh.
Was gonna ride in it... Right up to half 4 when I got the cancellation call. Was sat in the pub with all my gear on, ready to go.
And of course the 386 can't cope with going uphill in it, so I got another bus to Charlton Station and walked from there.
Three idiot fucking chavs hanging out by the Valley cafe pelted me with snowballs. Course they all found it hysterically funny until I chased after them waving my riding crop and screaming obsenities.
I'd have fucking mashed them had I caught them.

Yup. The cricket has kept me up until an undecent hour. Bring back the old days when I was working in The Health Food Shop That Cannot Be Named and able to stay up all hours.
I still hold out for a win in this first test but Welshy, who knows more about these things than I do claims it will be a draw.
My little VC talk at work has gone, farewell Jack! I debut a new talk tomorrow (I really should sit and learn it at some point) all about Whaling, cannibalism at sea and Moby Dick. Looking forward to that!
The rest of the country appears to be about 6 foot under snow. So far London has remained snow-free. Apart from two flakes that just drifted past my window... so maybe.
I need it to hold off until next Tuesday at least as my trip to Barca will be in jeopardy otherwise!

Ashes start tonight!
Let's hope there's not a repeat of that crazy Uber-wide ball bowled first delivery last time!

Bye-bye Sleep!!!

Hurrah.
Although I put in my application ages ago for uni, there's been a few problems with my referee not being able to get into the system. After an agonising wait on hold, I think I managed to sort the problem out and hopefully she is completing it now as we speak.
Hurrah Part 2.
I'm trying to arrange a meeting next week with a local school to get a volunteer placement in. My referee actually reccommended them to me, apparently the Head is a big nature-lover and sets up cameras in birdboxes, has his own beehive on school property and arranges for them to grow veggies, so hopefully it'll all go down well if it all works out.
Hurrah Part 3.
Ashes start on Wednesday, and I have football tomorrow and riding the next week.
Hurrah Part 4.
I'm going to see Welshy next Friday, no time at all!

Harry was amazing. I know I tend to get carried away with these books/films but that was the best, the truest to the story, the most gripping one yet.
Not perfect as none of them have, but pretty damn well close.
Went to football today and we won 3-2 which was exciting!
And I've gone and got organised for Xmas, I've got stuff for Welshy's bro, sister and mam, (only chocolates but still!)
Presents for TP and TJ - actually I must confess, I brought them gifts when I was in Dublin last year but completely forgot to send them to them!
And presents for my friends who have children.

Gonna try and talk to the bro and see if he wants to go halves on flight vouchers. I heard Ryanair were offering them and if we can get some for Mum then she can take herself off to Grotty when it all gets too much, plus a little something each from us and she's sorted and E will be the usual Wildlife Photographer of the Year when payday rolls around.
Efficiency is my middle name!

Guess who just got asked out by one of the Astronomers at work, "now i'm single again."
News to me, good to know i've still got it though, whatever "it is!

HARRY POTTER TONIGHT!!!! ROLL ON 7:30!!!

well my decision to pick horses over football probably wasn't inspired as I missed us win. After two lessons, where even if I do say so, I was pretty awesome and rode close to my best. This lesson wasn't as good. The horse I rode, Roo was rather bumpy, and seemed to slip and trip a lot. Horses are normally sure-footed and especially just plodding round a school may just slip once. So this was a bit off-putting. I saw a pony, Holly at my old stables, a half Welsh/half Arab slip and go right over onto her side, breaking her riders leg as it was crushed under her once.
So I've always been a bit wary of something like that happening to me, even though that was an one in a two trillion accident.
So I think that played on my mind a bit and I didn't rise to the occasion too well.
Never mind.

Today was another quiet, meh sort of day, not a lot going for it. Still, two days till my date with Harry Potter and 16 sleeps till Barca!

Oh dear.

I had a really pleasant day with Lollypop from work, counting donations. I really like him. He's sweet, ever so slightly old-fashioned, despite being younger than my brother and is disturbingly obsessed with castles and historic houses.

Today was the first day of the new position. He got it too, which is nice. Me, him and two other people who just happened to be made Seniors as well were told to collect donations and do the Poppy boxes. Nothing strange in that. I've helped Lollypop and the other Cashiers do it hundreds of times, as have others. One girl. Greek C has just come back from an operation to remove a cancerous lump growing in the bone of her thigh. (All clear now) so can't move about too much. The other girl was just a spare. So sounds reasonable to have them do the Poppy Boxes and me and Lollypop do the usual Monday collection of the myraid of boxes.

Head back down in the afternoon, then Indian N and Tall S who both went for the job and both got rejected and were working the front together accosted me and Lollypop, making their new W gesture at us, asking why it had taken 4 seniors to do the job when anyone could have done it and then if we were plotting against them.
Both me and Lollypop are pretty pissed with this now. Since the two weeks its been announced we've had nothing but aggro. TS has been telling me its everything from Racism (no coloured people got the job, perhaps not all that unreasonable when you consider. One of them is incredibly lazy and bolshy. One has been in front of HR countless times for unappropriate conduct towards the female members of staff - [Never me. Not sure if I should take it as a compliment or be outraged that I'm not good enough to be perved over!] for an assault against another member of staff - Nothing crazy but a childish Chinese Burn. Oh and for not doing his work. I can't explain why Indian N didn't get the job and TS claimed that if he got the job he was going to ask for more money, wasnt sure if he was going to take it and answered most of his interview questions with "call a manager") So its not racism, nor ageism as they also tried to claim as others older than them got it. And I certainly ain't no Managers Puppet.
I do not appreciate being told by TS that if I ever tried to use my new seniority over him that he would go to the managers and tell them about my mischief.
A - I dont care really.
B- I'm sure most of them are aware of it anyway, I don't hide my antics.

One of the questions was: "How would you feel if one of your collugues got the job over you?"
I don't think running to HR or complaining to every manager that you find is setting a good precident if the job comes up again!

Anyway we were talking over the stupidness of it all in the cash office and came out to get a new donation to be moaned at for plotting and talking about them in there. Sigh.
Rosta Tom popped over with the paperwork for the Poppy Donation and asked why we were hanging out in there rather than in the messroom and we told him about some of the dramas. Anyway when he returned to the managers office, he mentioned it to the Duty Manager, who then saw fit to put his Size-11's all over it, go speak to Indian N and call us up to the office.
I told him, what I've pretty much told Lollypop. We just have to man it out. Once the next bit of drama arrives we'll be forgotten about. I don't like the thought that they're now gonna think we went running to bitch when we can deal with it ourselves.
Yes its dragged on for a fortnight now, but it has been very quiet.

Its just a bit sad as until now I considered these people friends! _ but they're not bitter! Oh no! We're not to think that, they constantly reassure us.

You know I may never blog again. Just stare in awe of my new pretty coloured blog.
Brought myself a new bed today, a plain silver small double. Means I'm pretty broke now until payday, and yet have to pay for a hotel in Barca. Oh well. I've got a good 7 hours overtime to claim this month and new pay kicks in from Monday, so it'll all be good, even if I have to wait until payday to get the hotel.
Done some mega-restructuring of my room. Got rid of a lot of crap, uni posters and stuff. Bit sad but they were just cluttering the place and I swapped the position of my large pine desk over with my bed and now my room looks HUGE.
I love how just a simple change makes it look like you've completely redecorated.
Threw out a few things, photos and that, that related to the LF. Didn't realise I still had them, forgotten that I had treasured them once. Long, long ago.

Do you have any idea how happy my new background makes me?

Back in the day when all this was fields *waves arms vaguely* I had three choices of blog background that wasn't white. Or boring. Or completely girly.

Remember how exciting the day was when I got comments as standard? Remember when I learnt and then promptly forgot how to HTML this. Remember when coloured TEXT arrived! Remember when PICTURES ARRIVED!

Now holy fuck! Look how pretty my blog is! With just a template and pressing the colour text option.

And there's loads of others! Some that I fear using as they are just so joyful and bright and vivid that an epilepsy attack might happen if I spin around too quick on my chair.

I love it! Its happy and colourful and fun. I need to figure how to make my text more readable though... But Colours! Swirls! Brightness!

The only thing that could complete this, would be if somehow I could get a set of colouring pens and colour each of the CHARBY letters in a different, clashing colour.

Slightly better day at work, although still deathly quiet. I can't describe to people who don't understand what its like at work on a quiet day. But at the moment we're getting probably the same number of people though the doors as we do in Dec/Jan, during the worst of the winter weather and if its like that now. I very much fear for my sanity during those quiet months.

We'll see...

Busy trying to find a cheap hotel or a decent hostel near to where Welshy is living in Barca, really need to get him on facebook to find out exactly where he is.
Having a vague look for a cheap and decent double bed. Months of being kicked in the face (Yeah kicked. He squirms about like a fish outta water) in a single bed is not appealing. Although I guess that depends on if he comes home!

Many lovely people at work have come up and told me not to worry about losing my Saturdays and to swap with them if I need to. I love my work chums.

And finally and positively I found the location of an old blog-friend. I lost the blog address aaaages ago. Although he seems not to have updated in forever and ever. YEAH YOU! Sort it aht!!

Today was the worst day at work I have had for a long time. It was just boring! No one was in! No one wanted to hear my talks, weather was atrocious which didnt help. and my gallery, being an art one was dark and dimmed so I felt sleepy all day and there wasn't even any fun staff about to talk to.

I've got a new rosta to do with my new job, before for the last two years, I've had a cushy number. being off 2 saturdays out of three and either block-booking the third or swapping days off about. Now I'm back to a standard one saturday out of three. Not helpful for football watching!

E's kinda upset me too a bit. I text her telling her about losing my Saturdays and she asked if I should be pleased that I have time off in the week and I said not really cos I dont enjoy them. Everyones at work, I'm too poor to go out and about, and I didnt even really prefer my weekends off cos of it. I prefer having a day off then working for a few and then having another. Means I can save up my tasks and stuff so I have things to do, reasons to leave the house.
She then got a bit snipey about how I'm always miserable lately, and that some people were never happy. I dont think i've been miserable, a little frustrated at how long my uni app was taking and being back at home again, but you know. I feel positive, either in the New Year or by September, my time at the NMM will come to an end and I will start a new adventure. And I was kinda happy with my rosta the way it was! Done especially for me!

I explained about not having any money and I dont particuarly wanna waste it unless I have too, what with saving for uni and that and then she got really sarky, telling me that if I was gonna sit at home all day I shouldnt then complain I'm bored. Asking me if I could afford to go to Harry Potter on the 19th and then when I pointed out that her workplaces starting salary is still a lot more than mine is going to be, and she has 10 days more leave than me, and gets days of in liu for working Bank Holidays which I don't and she earns 2k more than I will get and more on top cos she can do a lot more overtime there than at my corrupt system, she got arsey at that too.
She also commented when I said that me and mum were going to Pizza Hut or something before the cinema, whether I can afford to eat there or will I be outside with sandwiches!

Cheeky bint! I can't afford to waste time in the gym or meeting friends like she can, and I don't see the need to spend money for the sake of it, even if its only a £2 bus fare to get somewhere.
Not when every penny is going to count, when I may even end up worse off than I am now cos of student loan kicking in, tax and NI going up and Mother demanding that I hand over more money than I do now.

EWWW. EEWWW. EWWW.

And people tell me Horse-riding's risk-free and anyone can do it?
Dont check this out if you're squeamish.

Tired. Yesterday was a bit crazy. We went to Southend to watch us in the Jonstons Paint Trophy Southern Round Quarter final - try saying that when you're a wee bit pissed!!
We left at 10:30 and I got home about 12:20 THIS MORNING. Yeah. I'll leave you to decide just how many alcoholic beverages were consumed during this 14 hour session, cos frankly I have no idea.

Chips by the beach though! and I rode those little kiddy car thingys and found that they are pretty hard to get in and out of.
We won which was exciting, just gotta make it through the semis... Then the Southern final (2 games in that round) and then the final itself... Hmm. Plenty of chance to cock it up there!

While waiting for a bus home, I saw a man go and get into the local bank and then turn lights on. Do bank employees normally start work at 12.04? Poor sods. Was half expecting to see a yellow police "Assistance Needed" sign outside this morning.

Fun day at work, although rumours are reaching that the Divide and Conquer strategy employed at work in the creating of these senior posts ARE doing exactly that. And while I can see why people are pissed that summer seasonals are getting these roles over more experienced staff who do extra jobs, going to HR and kicking up a stink aint helping your case!

Welshy is at the Nou Camp tonight, watching Messi Blud in their cup competition. Jealous. He doesn't wanna come home at the end of his month and I can't go out there. Sent off my uni application, gotta organise a school placement now. ASAP as i'm supposed to get it done before New Year.

We'll see....

Welshy arived safely, is safely in with his new landlady and found where his friend lives. Course starts tomorrow.
I keep carrying my phone about in case he texts me! Gotta get out of that habit! Far too clingy, especially when I know I wont hear from him much!

I booked my tickets for Harry Potter! Can't wait! Wheeeeeeeeee! Welshy's friend (one of the guys I went to India with) texted me actually asking if he can come, we might go to the IMAX together! Lol! I think he'll be a bit lonely without Welshy and their mutual chum.

Hopefully tomorrow I can get this thing sorted and find a placement and then get my application in....

Hmmm. Drawing 0-0 with the team ranked 92nd out of 92 teams in the Football League wasnt part of the plan yesterday!
And the replays on the 16th! I'm meant to be riding then! What a Dilemma! Ponies or footy? I think ponies will win, as I'm missing being on horseback and it'll be three weeks since my last ride. Plus I've already paid in advance for that and havent for the Football.

Welshy flew away today. I'm trying not to think of it as a countdown until the 3rd. When did I get so girly?! I dont like it!

H2 has started a blog, I introduced her to here, Welshy was the only other real life person who knew of its existence. Not sure how I feel about real world people reading this, but its only the selected specials!

She showed me stats! Apparently I've got over 144 views this month from the Netherlands alone and 29 from Mexico. And many people found their way here by googling "Tobey Maguire fish hook scar"
Ha!

Time for work....

Welshy left me this morning at 5.15. I miss him already! I'm gonna accompany him home on the 3rd of December though, so its not the end of the world.

Good News Update!

I got the job! Whoohooo! Goldsmiths also take my HND as good enough, I gotta get in touch with Derby uni though and organise for them to confirm with Goldsmiths. Bit annoying as my deadline for applications is rapidly approaching.

Ho hum. What else? Tomorrow I'm off with the Boys to watch us play Barnet in the Cup and then we're off to Sarfend on Tuesday for a different cup competition that we're in the Quarter Finals of.
If I keep busy I can't miss Welshy too much!

Transport wise, my trip to Bristol wasnt a success. I forgot the train tickets. And they basically called me a liar when I went to the ticket office, sent me on a wild goose chase and then made me buy new tickets.
The originals cost 45 quid.
The new set £111. Yikes.

The taxi booked to take us to the church from our Hotel dumped us on the outskirts of the village and made us walk the rest of the way, citing the three car "traffic jam"

But, apart from that, it was a nice little get away. Nice to have a double bed, all cosy without being shoved about by a thrashing Welshy.

Saw MH too. Size of a HORSE. Actually I've met smaller horses. Harsh.

She came up to me and started talking like it had only been a few days since we last spoke instead of two years. Like nothing was wrong. I couldnt believe it. There was not one moment when she could have taken me aside and quietly apologised. I guess that shows her lack of remorse or regret or lack of belief that she has done anything wrong.

I answered briefly where I could, ignored her for the most part and then refused to say goodbye.

Tomorrow N is coming and making me go o the Meridian Line and do other touristy things. On my day off I have to go to work? Mean! Kinda looking forward to it though.

D-day is rapidly approaching Welshy's departure. Been looking at best dates to possibly go for a weekend to see him. Its only a month (at the moment) though. So we its not the end of the world if nowt gets sorted.

Got a travel brochure for South American Adventures. I wanna go. NOW.

Good News Four:

I am to be offered an interview to become a Senior Visitor Assistant, providing me with an extra 3k a year should I get the job. Said 3k would be rather useful if all goes well in the Uni department.

Good News Five:

NB at work, offered to provide me with a reference in regards to the work I do helping him with the schools

Good News Six.

I identified correctly the right person at the ID parade. Nothing more must be spoken of this in case it goes to Court.

Good News Seven (!)

I am going to see CL tomorrow.

Good News One:

After initially telling me that my HND maths wasnt good enough, Goldsmiths Uni are investigating it further.

Good News Two:

I am to go to an ID parade later today in the hope that they have caught Mr Mugger, I doubt i'll be able to recognise him, but thats good too.

Good News Three:

Welshy is off to Barca in a few weeks and I am applying for unpaid leave to work in a Primary School for two weeks, one in November, one in January. If dates and times work out, I can go visit him and escape the bitter cold for a weekend.

Welshy got accepted onto the course in Barca.

Now just to see if he'll go and then what happens with me...

Home alone, Welshy is out at his friends. I was invited but I dont really fancy sitting there watching him play Pro Evo online or Poker.
BORING!

The winter is rocking on, Charlton played so, so badly today and we lost 4-0. I cant see us scrambling out of this shit-poor league we are in this season either. Which as E put it may not be a bad thing, at least it means we wont end up heart-broken again after failing to make the playoff final like last year.

Welshy has a telephone interview on Monday to go do a TEFL course in Barcelona. His friend has already been accepted on it. I want to do it too, but not yet. I have to wait and see about this Primary School teaching lark first. Only once I get my rejection in December can I then play.

If he gets through, he will be out there at least a month. I want adventure too. Not to Spain though. I went to Barcalona once. We went on a tour of the football ground, walked down Las Ramblas and I learnt how to order Macdonalds in Spanish.

He only wants to TEFL it up in Europe. Pah to that I cry! Lets go far, far, far away! Lets go to South America! Specifically Costa Rica. Everything I read about it sounds amazing. The wildlife. Beaches. Rainforest. I can sing endlessly "Do You Know The Way to San Jose?"
Plus if you're going to do these things, lets go do it properly!

I worry that Welshy will not come back if he is accepted. Welshy does not want to live in the UK. He scorns the things I love about England.
I love the mental weather, I love knowing the animals and plants that I pass on the way, I love football. I love the history.

I want very much to spend a year abroad having an adventure and then I want to come home.
I dont know if Welshy will want to. I do not know if he will come back or stay out there once he has done his course. I cannot make any crazy decisions until I know whether I am accepted into uni or not. I have also gone for a promotion at work. I would earn more money for which to save for uni if I can get the job and stay at the museum in the meantime.

ITS ALL SO TRICKY!!!!! WHY ARE THESE THINGS HAPPENING AT ONCE!?

The best thing, I feel for me to do, is to stay here. If I am accepted, to earn as much as I can at the Museum before I start uni in September. If it all goes tits up and I cannot get into uni, as I suspect I will not, then I can go.
I have no fear that if he goes out and stays out, it will be a downer on our relationship. I just dont want him to go and have adventures without me! But he's too impatient! Grrrr!!!!!! Naughty Welshy!

I am off next weekend to visit CL and see her baby get Christened. MH will be there. I kinda fear seeing her and how I will react. Whether she will say anything. Its been two years since we fell out and I spelled out in no uncertain terms how I felt about her behaviour. She is now 7 months pregnant with her "sperm donor" baby. I am a grown-up (unfortunately) However much I would like to push her down a flight of stairs I shall be on my bestest behaviour!

Whee! They've announced London 2012 ticket prices! Now just to wait till next March before I can buy.....

I can't wait. I am that saddo who is there at 2am watching the synchronised swimming finals. I couldnt even NAME a move involved in it, but when the Olympics rocks up, there I am nodding wisely and pretending I know the name for a lot of different types of splashing.

I registered for tickets ages ago! For Archery, Athletics and of course Equestrianism.

Not much is rocking out lately.
Gone for a promotion at work to a new post. Frankly I cant see why they need this post, its an almagamation of severol roles that I and many others do already. But its an extra 3k a year. Its causing all sorts of debate at work, better than us normally bitching about how bad the place is and taking gossip away from the forthcoming departure of the Nelson Uniform, which is all people come to see as the new wing-building has destroyed many other galleries and other shit had to be taken away for its own conservation.
So what else?
CL is getting her baby christened at the end of the month so I'll be trotting off to Bristol for that, with Welshy in tow. Poor guy hates churches and all that kinda nonsense, but I fear seeing MH there, and the company will be good.
E has decided to become a lesbian. Nothing wrong with that, but I dunno. I'm not sure its what she wants deep down. I kinda think maybe its a reaction to what happened to her in the past. The incident that was so painful and of which I cannot even speak of on here.
She admits its the less scary option and is very confused by it all herself. I guess I just hang about and see what happens and support her and if it is the way forward for her at least. Well it doesn't matter does it? We're not living in the 1800's anymore!

I went out for a friends leaving drinks tonight.
She recently came out and has herself a girlfriend. Its really cute to see her finally happy and shit. Even if she is a bit sickening. I dont really care to hear how much you love her. Come and play with me.

There was another guy out with us, a mutual friend who works in the security department. I dont like him, I find him creepy.
He pops up in my gallery and never really says much, is hard to get into a chat with. But he seems to think we're good friends and always wants hugs. I dont like it, he makes my stomach feel ill for no reason I can really describe. He's not too bad looking I guess, he's fairly clean and yet.... He gives me the creeps.

I've had male friends now for longer than I care to remember, and them occasionally trying to push it dont bother me, pinching my butt, the occasional grope of the tit hidden as part of a wrestling match. Thats par for the course, I flirt back with them and its all fun and games.
One of my best friends at the museum, a guy named TDR made it very clear that if Welshy wasnt on the scene, that he would make a move, and a couple of times when we've gone drinking just the two of us, he's forcibliy made the effort to only kiss me on the cheek goodnight, a few near misses, but he respects the fact that I love Welshy and I respect the fact that he wouldnt make a move as long as I'm with him. That's all good. I have no problem hanging out alone with him, he doesnt make me uncomfortable in any way and he is my friend.
This guy. I dunno. The hugs, the stroking of my arm. It makes me uncomfortable and I've never fooled about with him like I do my other friends. I keep a distance.
Today my friend has got a job working as airport security. So she was playing at pretending to pat me down. All good fun so far.
Then he tried to have a go and I shied away like a frightened horse. Saying goodnight and there was one hug that lingered for longer than needed and I dont know why he tried to grab my legs on the way out when I said goodnight to another male friend.
I dont think there's anything TOO wrong with him, he is like it with everyone seemingly. But him just being about me, makes me feel ill and I try to avoid being around him.
I wonder why it is, that makes me feel so funny about him?

Wheeee!
They're making another Pirates of the Caribbean movie!
Filming if at work and in the building next door, today I watched a Jack Sparrow Stunt double jump out a window.
They need extras.
Did I put my name down for it?
What do you think?

my version of tomorrow is clearly different from other peoples!
Finally got my new phone up and running after a few days on hold to different people arguing as to why it wasnt working when they promised it would be.
Plus there's been the excitements of a new job at the museum - a senior - not quite management - not quite supervisor - type role.
Basically doing all the shit i do now, but for 3.5k a year more. This kinda news makes Charbs a happy bunny as I am so poor and I need money for things, fun things like travelling and riding and football.
Of course - ahem - I will be saving a large percentage of this for potentially going back to uni.
Thats still looking pretty doubtful as they've all upped the ante this year and where as I could have blagged my way in with a D and a maths equivelancy, they're now not taking it.
The uni that I want to go to however, is offering a maths module on the HND course as good enough, I did a module on my HND that combined Maths, English and IT so I have my fingers crossed that somehow this will be good enough!
Dont hold your breath, I plan on being disappointed!

So let me tell you now about our house disappointments.
The place that we had lined up, had been sublet the year before, 24 chinamen had fitted somehow into a 3 bed flat, the council found out about it after we had passed the reference check, after we had all our deposits taken....
So its taken nearly three weeks to get our moneys back and it was so much that until we got it back, that we could afford to apply again and house hunt.
Only now Welshy's all sold on the TEFL thing he's badgering me to do it now, but i'm so unsure cos of applying for uni, cos of this new job thingy. I need to hang on here till Xmas at least to find out if I can go to uni or not and he's right, we shouldnt tie ourselves down to a flat if my application goes tits up like it probably will and stop ourselves from adventuring!

I met a lady this morning walking to work.
She approached me rather excitedly.
"I saw you! You were attacked on Wednesday!"
"Erm yeah..."
I was already feeling nervous, I had to walk past Blackheath Bluecoats this morning which, is a rather Black school and for the first time I eyed them up, worrying that they might come for me. Irrational. I felt kinda sick walking down the same path thinking... this is where it happened...
"I was behind you! Walking my dog! I saw him hold you and you were screaming! Dirty Little Bastard! Did he hurt you? Did he get anything?"
I showed her my finger, I've been showing everyone the cut on my finger from where he dug his fingers in.
"Dirty Little Bastard! You did well though! I saw you! You were really going for him, you were squirming and kicking and everything and then I saw you chase him into the bushes and I tried to cut him off but when I only saw him leave I was afraid you were hurt so I looked for you and couldnt find you so ran home to call the police!"

I felt so better hearing her say that I'd done well in fighting him, it had all been so quick and the worst thing (well apart from the actual crime and the woman who had done nothing to help) had been the thought that I had given up too easily, that I had been a sissy girly, a pathetic victim.
She was keen to reassure me though.
"No! There's no way I could have done that, you were really going at him, he'll think twice before trying it out on you again!".
Once was enough.....

Anyway, new phone is on order, and I walked that way home, I wanted to go alone, as I was feeling nervous, a kinda getting back on the horse feeling I guess.
But a friend made up a phoney excuse about having to walk that way anyway and I was glad.

Shorty.. Am not sure pepper spray is even legal in the UK, anyway there's no way I could have got it out of my bag to use with him pinning my arms down.
Time to move onwards and upwards.
Be prepared tomorrow for the reason for almost regular updates and news of a potential new job!
dum-dum-dum!!!

I got mugged yesterday! Mugged! I cant fucking believe it.
I'd left work and the park and was walking alongside the heath, on the route that I've covered thousands of times. Many a time with my phone out, skipping along, singing.
Yesterday I was distracted answering a text from Welshy. There was no one lurking outside the park, then halfway down the road, some guy grabbed me about the waist pinning my arms down and screaming that I should give him my phone.
At first I thought it was one of my friends playing a joke, but I instantly realised after that, it wasnt.
I fought him, I wriggled and tried to headbutt him. I screamed for help. There was a lady with a pushchair perhaps 100 yards ahead,
"HELP! HELP ME! YOU CUNT, GET OFF! NO! HELP!"
and similar. She was watching me! She never tried to help. I hope your baby dies in the night. You whore.
I kicked backwards. I caught him on the shin, not a good kick cos his legs were astride, but enough to make him yelp and he dug his fingers into me.
Ripping the skin open on one, making me bleed (shame its not enough to get it done for assault as well.)
I yelped then and automatically let go, I regret that now. Not putting up enough of a fight, letting go.
He grabbed my phone and ran into the bushes, down whats called the Dip and up again. I chased him, still screaming at him.
"COME BACK! YOU CUNT! COME BACK! SOMEONE HELP! SOMEONE STOP HIM! YOU COWARD, COME BACK AND FIGHT ME PROPERLY!"
Then I fell over going up the hill and lost him.

I found a lovely man walking two huskey dogs and he called the police for me. They came and they had stopped every black youth, nearby, even getting them off of the bus and we drove past slowly, but I never got a clear look at his face. So a pointless act.
I know he was black, African, he was my height and weight more or less and probably 16-18.
Dressed in black.
Where on Earth did he spring from? The road was empty. Where does this kinda thing enter your mindset. I have to walk that way home on Friday. I am nervous now, I hope I see him again. I will kick the living shit into him. But I am nervous too.
Everybody has been sympathetic and tell me I shouldnt have fought him, shouldnt have chased him into the dense bushes of the dip where you dont find people. But I am angry, I am angry that no one, especially the watching lady didnt help (She came by when I was with the man and asked me if I was ok and if there was anything she could do to help.) Yeah. You could have come when I was screaming at you.
I am angry that I couldnt fight him better, that I panicked like a stupid girl, that he made me bleed, that I CRIED when the police came. and I'm angry he's made me feel nervous walking along one of my favourite routes.
I could have understood somehow if it had been pitch black in the park. I could have understood if I was in the dip itself, but for it to be broad daylight, a row of nice, posh apartments on oneside, a road on the other. How could no one have come and how could this have happened?

I've had a fab weekend! I went up to Stoke on Friday to fulfil a long-held dream (ok, denied uni trip) to visit Waterworld, which is one of the big water parks in the UK, me and STF talked about going there a long time in Derby but it never quite worked out.
Then we headed across to Birmingham to see his friend and then Saturday and Sunday was a whirlwind! We caught up and went for tea with the Lizard and her bf, we met up with STF, A, Booker, JN and MV, only R was missing from my motley crew of boys!
Drank in Our Beloved Friary, in town, then left them in a shit club, and we went to what had been D&E. Only D&E is now Syn and instead of playing fab cheesy music. It was awful new stuff. Very disappointed.
But we were in at 1am eating a yummy pizza (and oh! it was so nice to not be squashed in a single bed as we have been lately!)
Then Sunday we met TP, TJ and H. and then H2 before catching the late train home. And I can't believe that rent for a 3 bed house is half of what a 1 bed flat is here!
Madness!
I'd love to be up there again, perhaps not in Derby, but closer to my friends.
Welshy is pushing for us to go to a TEFL course. I really wanna do it, but I'm not sure its a good time, I wanna get applying for uni, and we've half commited ourselves to living with two guys should we find a place. I just feel bad messing them about.
We'll see....

So we're back in London for what two weeks?
And lets see, Granddad has checked himself into hospital. Yeah. Seems HE's suffering from dementia too now and his is going at a lot faster rate than Nan.
They've all decided to move Uncle J in to look after him, despite all the aggro he caused last time.
I wonder how long it'll be before he gets moved into Perrygrove alongside Nan, or how long before John walks out on him again and leaves them, foodless, and medicineless, like the last time he was supposed to be caring for them.
Or how long till he moves his new girlfriend in.

J is suffering from some kinda mental illness. He has attacked Mother, attacked his own daughter and tried to get his wife arrested. He was forced to retire from the police force and got a job as a school caretaker. Then he pinned one of the children up against the wall and was made to leave.

Mother thinks it comes from some sorta post-traumatic thing, years ago when I was like 13/14? He was working as part of the Transport police and was chasing some random, he chased him over the bridge and got caught, in his effort to free himself, he fell off the bridge and down onto the live wire train track.
He was electrocuted, I remember visiting him in Tommy's and seeing the entry point, just under his armpit and then where the current left his body, somewhere on his leg. he just managed to roll free before the 12.34 fast train to Brighton thundered along the tracks.
The stress, and understandably so! of this incident, is what he blames for the two heart attacks he suffered a few years later and which was what finally forced him to retire from the police.

This is what Mother feels is made him the... I dont wanna say unhinged, but slightly unstable person he is. And she is deathly worried that he might snap again onto Granddad.

Oops. Today is my normal rostered day off of work, only I went to play at Go Ape on Tuesday and I must have swapped my day off around cos I got a rather confused phone call at 12 asking me why I wasnt in work.
I was really confused too but I guess I must have swapped it over, will check when I get in tomorrow.
I'm going to Derby. I cant wait. I spoke to Booker for the first time in nearly two years quickly on FB chat tonight. Now i'm hit with a wave of nostalga.
I shall take Welshy with me. We plan to go to Stoke on the Friday and visit Waterworld and then either head to Brum to see his pal or we'll go to Derby, its my weekend off so I just need to work out Friday. No messing it up like I did today!
Mother is home and dropped a bombshell that she's BROUGHT a flat out in Lanzarote that she plans to have rented out for half the year and keep for our own use the rest of the time.
Its sounds so POSH! I remember when I was younger, worrying about how my parents would afford to pay the rent and have us evicted.
Then we brought my home now and that seemed so incredible to me and even more so when the Life Insurance paid it off and now we have TWO homes! One abroad!
We put in our paperwork for New Flat and hopefully we'll be able to move soon, 10 days to a fortnight, Welshy confidently predicts me, we'll see.
I'm gonna be living all multicultural, I assured Welshy, not only am I going to be living with a Welshman, I shall be taking up residence with a Saffa and a Kiwi.
Two guys. I dont know the Saffa all that well and Welshy knows the Kiwi better than me, but he seems a lovely sweet thing and I like him.
So its gotta be better than the horrible atmosphere last year.

Went flat hunting. Found an ex council flat so grotty outside, huge inside. Needs professional cleaning. Cheap though. We'll see. Nothing can be worse than last year.
Working again tomorrow then off on Tuesday to Go Ape! again.
Am slowly working on updating this thing. Updated my "100 things" list anyway to make it seem less like a 12 year old girls blog. Man I was so mardy when I first wrote all this shit.
Am gonna head up to Derby in a few weeks, see the boys. R is back from the Caymans which is ace, not seen him in forever.
Not a lot else has happened since the other day. Am already fed up of sharing a single bed with Welshy. He thrashes about like a beached whale and is always waking me up.
Poor old lad.
Mother is home from Grotty on Thursday and then everything will get even more awkward and cramped.

Hullo!
Diving was fab, met a 5 foot angel shark, HUGE rays, lovely coloured fish, explored a ship wreck and got checked out by a Grouper. I took a camera down with me so hopefully I'll get some fab photos back but diving without glasses or contacts meant often I was just sorta nodding vaguely when my Dive Master was pointing things out.
We scattered Dad too out there, on a small group of rocks next to the pub he favoured and gave him a beer to go out with. Later that week we went to watch the Liverpool game with him.
I got hammered one night and finally achieved that drinking milestone of drinking so much you throw up. I cut all my hair off to have a quirky bouncy bob (Welshy reckons I must have taken a lego woman figure in to the hairdressers with me to use as a model) and got terrible prickly heat and am trying desperately hard not to itch and rip my skin off like I did last time.
Home now. Have been to see CL and meet her baby (born at Xmas) It was nice enough, although HOW did it manage to get baby food goo on its socks? and watching it trying to eat really put me off my scone and I felt revolted.

Flat hunting again. Mother is still in Lanzarote so Welshy is at mine and we're flat hunting tomorrow, so we'll see what happens there. The cutns that we lived with are trying to steal my deposit and we're fighting to get it back (all 695 quid!!)

Remember I set myself some challenges to achieve before I was 30?

One was to move out (Check - although Temp Set back)
One was to pass my Maths GCSE after scoring a F the first time round (For those of you who dont know, the scoring goes A*, A, B, C, D, E, F, G.)
I've struggled all year with it and I finally got my result a D. I'm dead chuffed with this, still not technically a pass (A*-C) But its a huge improvement. If I was doing it just for fun I'd take it as a pass and leave it at that.
Its still not quite good enough though to get me into uni to do a one year Teacher Training Course, well a few unis will take me if I then pass a maths equivelency test.
But due to the state of the world at the moment, uni places have been slashed and there were no spaces for me.
So I'm gonna try and do a resit at Xmas, made a few enquiries about it and we'll see if that gets me a C.
I can still apply for Goldsmiths (local uni) for next year in the meantime and they might let me with a D.
So another task: To get a proper job and leave the museum by Sept will probably be postponed for a bit. Its no biggie, at least I have a job.
Another mission I wanted to accomplish was to pass my driving test, but lack of real job + lack of funds = no lessons.

Finally I wanted to go live abroad for a year. Well thats kinda a vague plan at the moment, me and Welshy are considering doing a CELTA/TEFL type course starting September, and we'll consider our options after Xmas. By then I should know if I'll be in uni, if I'll have passed my maths and if not we can then travel for a undetermined amount of time or all being well we can go from Jan till August when I would need to return for uni.
The only downside to this plan is that what will we
A - do with Geronimo the Tortoise.
B - What about the flat lease that we'll be getting which'd be for a year. No point doing that if we plan on being out of the country for 3/6 months.

But I tell him, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, lets do the course, lets see if I can get into uni next year, If I cant then we can travel. If I do, then we can spend the year after I pass working abroad.
But at least we'll have done the course so we dont need to faff doing it then.
We'll see.
In a year I've virtually achieved 2 of the 5 tasks. Its good going, I figure.

Quick update cos i'm dropping with tiredness.
Am flying on holiday tomorrow. Lanzagrotty here I come.
Flat... Not sorted. Gotta leave it on the 21st. Everything is too expensive, saw one lovely flat, couldnt get the 2k the agents wanted before moving in.
Welshy saw a slightly cheaper one today, ex council so its scrotty as hell on the outside but nice inside. Nothing can happen now till I move out so we'll see.

I'm so desperately tired. Was my 27th on Sat (HOW?!) went with Welshy to the History Museum then to Littlehampton to visit a friend.
NEVER go to Littlehampton. It is a place old people go to die. Anyway I went to bed at 3, woke up at 5.45 to get to work in time.
Feel worse today than I did then.
Gotta be up in 5 hours anyway. So its bedtime.
Night!

Yeah I know! Let me explain! Faithful Fred my old laptop died too. Its something about the evil flat eating its energy, rendering me once again computerless.
Its hellish there at the moment. thanks to invisible builders placing scaffolding by the windows we've not been able to open a window or balcony door for THREE weeks. Its like a sauna, hot, smelly and disgusting.
TP and TJ are visiting this weekend, so looking forward to it, but cos of scaffolding our useless tv has died a death as well.
Ho Hum. Speaking of dying a death our relationship with Evil Flatmates is virtually prehistoric. We dont speak. I am convinced that they told Evil Landlord that we were moving out end of the contract, when we were gonna stay. Didnt tell us till we got a call from letting agency.
Now we have till 17th of August to find somewhere new, but:
A. we cant afford a deposit.
B. We cant afford to rent anywhere the two of us and have no one to move with.

So yeah, looks like unless something drastic happens Welshy is back to Wales and I'm back to Mummys in August....

Best get back to work/looking on gumtree/bbc website/solitaire.

So Mondays exam went ok, I think... Gotta wait till August for the results - felt so odd to be back in an exam room! Got another, the calc paper tomorrow which I've found harder but we'll see.

I forgot in my update the other day to tell you THE biggest news you are likely to hear. Actually I'm not sure you'd care but its BIG to us.

Have I told you guys about how I fell out with MH? We've not spoken for like a year now. I'd been bottling up for ages some horrid, careless comments she'd made to me in the past (a check through the archives - cos I am THAT bored reveals I mentioned some of them but not all)

Yeah, let me just give you a run through cos fuck it, she was supposed to be one of my best friends and it still hurts.

Ok *hazy flashback scene*

My Dad's been diagnosed as terminally ill, what would you say to your supposed best friend at this time, when I told her my plans to return home to look after him and maybe get a part time shop job to help out.

You certainly wouldnt tell them that "they were just going home to avoid reality, that there was no need for them to return to London and that they should move to Sheffield with you, or that there was no point you finishing your degree if all you're gonna do is work in a shop."

Gee, thanks for the support there....

Anyway there was hundreds of other snide comments like that, about my Mum's accident after Dad died, how again I was using that for an excuse to avoid real life... She certainly never cared that my Granddad was diagnosed with cancer (all clear now thank God!) and ignored that.
Yet like a mug I kept quiet, I supported her when she decided that it was more fun to sleep and seduce married men, how she miscarried a child by one of them and then when the shit hit the fan how she blamed everyone but herself. She told me I should leave my job in the museum, and Welshy just so she could have a housemate (albeit an unemployed one) in Derby.

Eventually I grew a backbone and told her to fuck off, over an entirely different incident, when she blamed me for everyone in her church finding out about her antics.

That was a year ago and I still get vague updates about her life as we have mutual friends, CL for one. I still kinda worry about her as I'm a fucking softie. I've heard crazy rumours about how she got involved with another man (unmarried) who then proceeded to take all her savings and leave her penniless. About 4 jobs that she's lost in the 2 or 3 years that followed her Masters, through unprofessional conduct and child safety issues (although nothing seems so bad that she can't then get another job or lose her Police Check record)
This resulted in her being unable to get another job in Derby, and having to move to Northampton at the start of this year. (From what I've heard she blames everyone else for this, for losing all her jobs).
I think she has another Family Visitor type job there, or runs a children centre depending on who you talk to.
I dunno, I cant help but worry that some of these rumours are true, and I know i'm down here (and shouldnt care!) so stories do get embellished. 7 years of friendship was a hard thing to throw away for me and I do still worry.

Anyway... Two weeks ago The Lizard hits me with this bombshell
"Do you know that MH is preggers and its a sperm donor!"

So yeah. She's decided that at 29, she's verging on the menopause(!) and needs a kid. So she's entered the world of single parenthood and dont get me wrong, I think anyone who breeds and ends up being the solitary carer is pretty heroic. but why would you take the clean and clinical decision to do it that way? I'm all for independence but that just seems madness to me
(Or is my lack of maternal instinct showing?)
She's not exactly in her 40's (although CL seems to think that her doctor told her it was now or never as her body was failing... I dunno, I know she's lied to her in the past)
And the sperm donor? Well apparently she asked a friend to do it, so its not even like going hrough the NHS.
How do you explain that to your child? How do you make that decision? How do you go through your list of male friends and then broach the subject? I'm fascinated by how she went about the process. Did she sleep with him or use a turkey baster and how often did this happen?
If you cant even afford to live yourself how do you expect to support a kid?

Its all beyond me. But now I'm feeling kinda old! There's only E and The Lizard out of my admittedly small group of female friends that aint married or preggers. At least the boys aint letting me down! Am I the only one who still wants to get drunk rather than married or pregnant?
And am I wrong for being really concerned for MH and the child (due in December) considering all the wank she's done to me or is this just a new 21st century way of doing things and i'm just old-fashioned?

Tomorrow is my Maths GCSE retake exam. I'm aiming for a C but I think a D is more my level, if I get lucky.
We'll see. I CANNOT wait for this to be over! just my exam tomorrow and Friday and then waiting for my results. I can't believe that I've pushed two years of work into 10 months and how lovely is Welshy to have (not so) patiently gone through it all with me, over and over and over again! I dunno what I'm gonna fill my evenings with now! I'll actually have to talk to him!

What else is going on in my world? We'll gloss over the miserable playoff defeat.

Oh I've FINALLY gotten to ride at the new stables, first ride was a bit of a farce, was put on a horse at least 16 inches taller than anything I normally ride and I can ride it, but I cant ride it well, you know?
So it was a bit of a disaster as the class was a bit beyond me as well, considering i've not had a proper group lesson for a few years, and only done privates.
So then I got bumped down to a baby group but I'm hoping not to be there long, once I've gotten back into the swing of Schooling ride ethics I can move back to a proper class.

I'm going on holiday again! Only Lanzagrotty this time, for a diving holiday with Mum, I hate Grotty but diving everyday should be good.

THe Evil Housemates are leaving, yeah, they've borrowed stupid money to get a part-buy-part-rent deally. Its in a horrid area and sounds like a horrid deal but thats how desperate they are to get away from me.

We had a HUGE row yesterday. I hate the fact that its the middle of summer and they still feel the need to leave lights and heating on. WTF. I'm certainly not paying for lights to be on when everyone is in bed or its bright sunshine and i'm certainly not paying for heating in the middle of fucking summer.

So we need to move someone else in. I dont know who yet. But we cant afford that place alone, esp if I go back to uni. We've got two potentials so watch this space...

I should go do more revision...

I have my old laptop at the flat now, finally, anyway i'm at home. This is my second trip to A&E in two days.
When I was 13/14 I damaged my neck, it went into spasms and locked so I was unable to look left or up/down. They let me have a week off of school and a neck brace to support it.
I've always felt that it hadnt healed properly (possibly cos i went to the stables and rode and heaved/shovelled shit about) as I've suffered off and on with muscle strains, more so than a normal person would, although it never stops me doing anything.
Friday morning and Welshy's alarm goes off and I rolled away from it, I heard and felt this awful grinding, crashing noise below my ear and I knew what I'd done.
I couldnt get up. I thrashed about for 20 minutes yelping and sobbing in pain, before pulling myself up, I tried to sleep it out, as in the past I've been able to stretch my neck into place. But when I woke again I couldnt get up.
I had to get Welshy to help me to dress and then we went to A&E in Whitechapel, there I was manhandled by some idiot nurse, who grabbed me where I said it hurt, pressed in and rotated my neck. I couldnt help it, I burst into tears. The pain is so great, even codeine isnt helping, it shoots from the base of my neck up to my ear.
"Oh. Did that hurt?"
No you whore I cry all the time.
Anyway she gave me codeine, told me in as many words that I would be fine, suggested that I'd had some car accident and it was whiplash-related (I've never been in one) or that it was the start of early onset osteoperosis and sent me home.
I couldnt sleep last night, I spent most of it sobbing as I was exhausted, but couldnt lie down, couldnt rotate my neck to get comfortable on the sofa.
I went to A&E today in Greenwich, where the doctor gave me prescription strength medicine, told me I could self-cert if I needed and sent me away.
I cant bear it, the codeine numbs the pain to an extent but I still hurt so much and my right neck muscles are starting to hurt now from looking that way.
I cant self cert from work as they count my days off as sick days, so despite today being my registered rest day, it would count as two sick days, (fri and today) my next rest day is Tuesday, so if I have tomorrow off, thats three days or two again if I have Monday off, if I have the rest of the week after that off, it takes me to the weekend, so I'd need a doctors note to say why i've had all this time off.
No one will give me one, nor will they give me a neck brace to support me like they did when I was younger.
I can't go into work in this much pain, I cant even dress without help. And I cant go another night with no sleep.
But what else can I do?

Mother has been trapped in Lanzagrotty due to this ash cloud and she keeps giving me demands about ringing her insurannce and doctors and organising shit and I cant do it cos I cant move.
Ow, Ow, Ow.
Anyway she's got it good, in a 5* hotel, all accomadation and food and most importantly free drink paid for, for the duration.
And she'll get more time off of work if she cant get back for monday.

Yeah. The laptops still not fixed as you might have gathered. Looks like everyone else in blogland has no working computers either...
Was gonna tell you all about our amazing drunken trip to Southend, how it looks like we're on the way to Oldham and possible Exeter as well.
Oh and how I went on my first Official Marine Mammal Medic rescue, which ended in an anti-climax when I failed to see the seal at all...
So what am I going to tell you?

Well today we cracked and moved Nanny into a care home, this week, well fortnight really she's really being going downhill, wandering off and stuff. She had been coming home, which is good but she was missing all night recently. Mother is close to cancelling her holiday and the doctor told her under no terms was she to do that as her blood pressure was through the roof and she feared that it might all end in her having another breakdown or a stroke.
Granddad cant cope on his own, No one else will help. His pacemaker is probably buckling under the strain so arrangements have been made to move her into Perrygrove.
Which is a small care home on the estate we used to live at. Its good cos we know people that work there so they can keep us up to date on stuff.
We tell ourselves its for three weeks Respite Care. We (apart from Granddad) all know she wont come out again.
She went mental though. I've seen her walk unfearing and break up a fight between two men and although the last few years she's been quiet, rarely venturing two words this woke something up in her.
"You Bitch, I'll never forgive you for this... You etc."
So we ran, like naughty and guilty schoolchildren abandoning her at the home. The Matron has rung and told us that she's now switched into Nurse Mode (she used to work in a Childrens home and nurse in an OAP ward at the hospital) So thats occupying her mind now, thinking that she works there. But we've been told to stay away for a few days, in case we upset her again.
My Uncle M is on the phone to Mum now abusing her for making this move. But she simply cannot cope anymore. As I have said there are 6 of them and she is the only one to do anything for them. He claims he is going down there to liberate her.

I feel awful, like there's more I could have done, not move out, moved in with the Grandparents, look after them. but that wouldnt stop Nan walking out the house, it wouldnt do me any favours.
So I'll just be here. Being guilty and a bad person for leaving her in the home when we have sworn to them for the last two years that we would NEVER make this move, NEVER split them up.

One day. We can live in hope that Welshy will get his laptop fixed and I can use the internet like a normal person again.
He recently took it to a shop and was charged a hundred quid to have it "repaired" so far we've seen no sign of it spluttering into life. So we took it back and they told us the charger was blown. So we brought a new charger. Still no joy.
Hmm. I have two laptops here. My old faithful that saw me through university. However it was pre-wireless internet and to be honest. I dont wanna sit in the living room and play online. Not with the housemates we have anyway.
My other is RRREEEAAAALLLLLLLY slow and tends to not work at all if its not plugged into a wall. It may be just within the timespan of wireless. I doubt it though.

Mother is upset again. Before I went to football I had to comfort her while she sobbed hysterically about wanting my Dad. She's just come back from a mini-break which she badly needed and fell back into the trap of worrying about my Nan and Granddad. And my aunt suggested putting them in a home. Which AGAIN they dont need.
They just need to be left alone, with a bit of company now and then. Then she got into a fluster about the gas bill and it was a straw that broke the camels back.
I think, perhaps she needs counselling. And I'm not a person for that. I had the upbringing that to see one was a sign of weakness, a failure to cope. But I really think that everything has got to her too much. Dad, her accident, Granddad's illness, Nanny's dementia. She needs outside help. I try but there's so little I can do. I even considered moving back in to help look after her, but that helps no one.
So maybe outside help would help her. A new person, trained to deal with this and all her other problems, who could suggest ways to help N&G better than we can. But even broaching the subject with her will be hard, she will take the same attitude that to seek the help is weak. And we dont have the money for therapists.
Ho Hum. I feel so guilty and weak for not being able to help and so, so helpless when she sobs brokenly for my Dad.

Plus side. I'm going for a mega piss up to Southend on Friday with the N.M.M.C.A.S.C. (plus two) meeting at 11, start drinking by half 11. Chips on the beach, penny arcades. Lots and lots more drinking. Perhaps a trip to the sealife centre and more drinking. Then the football at 7.45, and then more drinking before getting the last train to london at half 12. Cant wait.

India.
Its everything, beautiful, ugly, polluted and clean, poverty-stricken and rich. As much as you hear about the dirt and poverty, its not till you get there and smell it. See the slums and people begging. The lucky people living in tents. The others sleeping where they can.
I was exhausted by it all, by the end. The constant layer of plastic and card debris lying about. The people asking for money. They assume that cos you're white, you're rich and yes, compared to them I am, but its all relative. I have 200 hundred pounds to last me till payday at the end of the month.
You start off pitying them, but by the end of it, I was so worn out by the relentless begging I just didn't care if they had stumps for arms or kiddies in their arms.
Its not even the poor people either, I was conned for "donations" several times in temples and the buggers know they have you there as you dont wish to offend!
It was tiring being a female travelling alone, as they want to take photos of you, with or without them. I'm sure I'm in several Indian mens personal Wank-Banks now. When I saw them coming down the beach I went and sat in the hut until they'd gone.
Its tiring having stop 'n' drop toilets, or even just a tile in the ground to aim for. I complained to Welshy, that it was ok for him, I had to worry about splashback or even trickle down my legs. The places that had real loos often didnt flush or leaked, the showers ranged from cold to tepid and dripped slowly out of the showerhead.
I dont know how I survived, or how anyone survives on the road, its ok to overtake on a blind corner, or drive on the wrong side of the road if you like. And its more than ok to overtake a car thats trying to overtake a lorry on a mountainside.
Families balance toddlers onto handlebars of bikes and people cling onto the sides and roofs of buses.
It was frustrating seeing starving, mangy dogs, dead puppies and knowing that if only they did a castration programme, it'd help reduce the population naturally and release the constant pressure on the bitches, but finding out that any kind of sterilisation like that is considered unholy.

But let me tell you about the good side, the beach in Gokarna, Om Beach, remote and unspoiled by pollution, the huge crashing waves that were endless fun to bodysurf along or try to remain upright in. How I rode a camel into the desert and camped overnight listening to traditional Indian tales by a fire. How the Taj Mahal is actually prettier than you imagine or have seen. How the birds come in amazing shades of vivid blues and greens. How all the trucks and rickshaws are gaily decorated in tinsel and paint, that would look tacky anywhere else. How we hunted tigers in early mornings and watched late night Bollywood films in the cinema and laughed and were moved to tears despite not understanding what was spoken. Let me tell you about riding an elephant and feeding rats at a holy temple and playing with monkeys (I fell over and down the stairs there. Apparently you really do slip on banana skins).
Let me tell you about riding the spirited and responsive Marwei horses and their amazing curvy ears over rocks and along mountain paths.
Let me tell you about delicious apple Lassi drinks and Gulab Jamin desserts and the kind people that helped reunite me and Welshy after we got seperated at Mombai airport (although the bastard did con about a thousand rupees out of me in the process).

There was so much to reccommend about the place and so much to hate, it was a complete land of contrasts, I loved it but was glad to come home to civilisation. I had an amazing time though, despite all the downsides.

Its been a bit of a messy twenty four hours.

One of my friends, Astronomer C was leaving, she's emigrating to NZ, lucky thing, to Windy Welly. (Someone else to visit next time I go..) And I promised myself faithfully that I was sticking to my twenty quid budget and leaving at 9pm whatever happened.
So perhaps it was to be expected that I was falling out of the Lord Hood (Greenwich's premier late-ish opening bar with the awesome DJ JACKIE on FRIDAY NIGHTS) at quarter to one and then running to get the last DLR. Yeah. Another proud highlight of my life was announcing to everyone about my naked photos I did for GT and having them all dive for their Iphones to find them (ha! try harder fuckwits) Oh and I stole the phone from the guy who works in the Sausage van in Greeny Park and hid it in my bra. When he called it, I got stupidly over-excited that my right tit was flashing and playing the A-Team theme and made everyone, like the 20+ of us that were in the pub put there head on my tit to listen. Including Astronomer G who is 65 if he's a day
Perhaps its a good thing that I'm now away for three weeks.
Oooh. I discovered Greenwich has a bar, Desperados. That is open till 5am, and then reopens at 9am for breakfast. My Fucking SHIT how have I gone through life without knowing this? Its amazing and I shall make a mental note to myself to remember this when I get back

Here is another mental note for myself, Remember to limit the amount of dirty caffine-based drinks I consume, Especially those of the blue variety. I didnt feel pleasant this morning.

Did I tell you guys that after another recent night on these drinks I had my first ever hangover?! At the age of 26! Yeah! Its a slippery slope from here on in I bet. Instead of 9 or 10 of those alco-poppy things a night I'll be reduced to one or two...
Anyway that night wasnt pleasant. I walked into a bus stop on my way home, woke up when Welshy headed to work about 5ish and moved my head too sudden and then I had to hold on cos I was convinced I was going to fall out of bed it was spinning that much.

Anyway I went to bed about quarter to two and woke up at three to feel a bit grotty and I still felt grotty when I went to join some of the boys from work (We've formed the N.M.M.C.A.S.C - catchy no?)
So went over to Wycombe to watch the mighty Addicks. Drinking in several bars as we went. I feel ok about that though, when I woke up to Welshy coming in, I didnt feel drunk and despite starting drinking at 10.47 THIS MORNING I still don't feel drunk, so either something went wrong or I left a long enough time inbetween to sober up.
Ha.

Wycombe is a strange place. Only half an hour away from London. out in Buckinghamshire I guess.
The ground itself is a one hour 43 minute (or so google maps tell me, it seemed like a longer walk) 5 miles away from the town.
Its at the end of an industrial estate surrounded by woodland on either side and seems to have no public transport getting you to the ground. Now I love my football, but walking for nearly four hours every other Saturday might try the limits of my endurance.
There was also a random pub with strippers in the middle of what looked to be a road full of B&B's!
I saw Red Kites though! Or at least from a distance I believe them to be. They were certainly large hawks and they looked similar to what Kites should look like.
Now here's a history lesson for you, hundreds of years ago Red kites were dead common, as common as pigeons scavenging in the cities, eating all the dead shit lying about.
In fact. Its said that Kidbrooke not far from me was originally called Kitebrook due to the amount of kites about, then Kittybrooke to Kidbrooke.
But life didn't stay sweet for the Red Kite, when sewers and shit become common in cities the kites moved to the country, where they got an undeserved reputation for killing lambs (due to their habit of eating carrion)
So it was decided that the Kite needed to be exterminated. And it was very nearly wiped out, I think in the early 1980s there was around 40 pairs left hidden away in Wales. By this time people realised that Kites didnt kill but they were under threat from egg collectors and the lies that people still believed.
But Due to the effort of the RSPB, birds were re-introduced from Europe and Volunteers guared the kites at all times and now there's possibly a 1,000 breeding pairs known, if not more.
But they're still a stupidly rare species to spot so I was dead excited to see two flying about near the ground which proved a real distraction from the dull game itself (finished 2-1 btw to Charlton.)

Well its all booked now... No turning back! On Monday I'll be heading for India. I have to take two internal flights on my own.
I'm dreading that. I am a very nervy flyer but each flight will only be about two hours long. What can go wrong in two hours?

I'm going to watch Charlton at Wycombe on Saturday, so will be here after that and then its off, off and away! Last day at work for three weeks tomorrow. Can't wait.

I'm all registered for my GCSE as well now. Bit peturbed by the invilator telling me that it took someone three goes to get that C, which shook my very fragile confidence, but I have till June to get comfortable with it.

I found out that I passed that exam by the way. It wasnt hard. and to be honest i was surrounded by idiots.
The interview was supposed to be sometime this week, but it got cancelled until next week cos of the weather. I explained about my holiday and they told me that they'd get in touch by Friday just gone.
Anyway I rang them today, only to be informed that they'd sent me an email (lies! I've not got it!) telling me that I cant be interviewed when I get back and nor where they willing to do it this week like originally planned.
Weathers not been great but its not been that bad to be honest.

So I'm really pissed about that. Seems a bit of a set-back, and they've fucked me about, but in the current climate I guess they can pick and choose what they want to do and I'm just someone else they can mess about with.

But never mind. It was only going to be a short term option. I still am hopeful that I'll get into clearing in August, although I do have fears that as the GCSE results come out a week after the Alevels I might not have anywhere left to apply too. We'll cross that bridge when it happens though!

I met the Random I'm going away with on Monday night.
She's awful. Actually thats not fair. Its just going to be a personality clash I think. E seems to think she's wonderful and I guess she knows her better than me. I can see why they get on. They're both anal about organising things and having plans and schedules. So me and Welshy (moral support) met them in Weatherspoons and listened to them tell me what I'm going to do whilst i'm away.
A lot of it is stuff that sounds fun, tigers, camel trekking. But I fear E's analness enough on trips and her friend is gonna be just as bad if not worse.
I lost interest and zoned out reading the guide book while they organised.
I shouldn't complain. Loads of people'd love to be doing something like this and i'm good at biting my tongue and letting shit roll over me. Christ knows i've spent a lot of my life doing that at home.
I got myself into this situation by being too soft to tell E that no, I didnt want her to come as well. I didnt so we'll see how it goes!
Fly out Monday!!! Wheeeeee!!!!!


Home. Things are getting interesting. My uncle thats living with my grandparents really flipped out at mum apparently. I mean really flipped, my Granddad had to hold him back or he'd have gone for her.
He just suddenly went mental when he complained that she'd not been there on Saturday, when she pointed out that it was my Dad's birthday and surely she deserved some time off from going there every day, He just started screaming that she should get over that, its been four years, she was this, that, the other. That he was the only one who cared and she stopped him whenever he tried to do things to look after them (which means trying to organise a lady to wash my Nan - which she doesnt need as she can do it herself. She may not bathe or shower but she strip washes. She's clean and never smells of sweat or dirt, so it would have been just degrading for her.)
That Mum brings them stale food (Again Mum brings them stuff every day for lunch. Its stuff with a short date on them, but always edible [fuck she eats it herself with them] as its pointless getting them long date stuff as it wouldnt get eaten and get forgotten about and then they would eat it when it was out of date and get poorly.)
That they should be in a home, they can't cope, blah, blah, blah. It really shook her up to see such hate and rage on his face and my granddad was in bits.
He wouldnt let her leave the room as he was afraid J (my uncle) would hit her and he's a big guy, taller and wider and an ex-copper so would lay her out. So she had to ring my aunt to collect her so she could get back to work.
The good thing, if you can say that about this, is from this we discovered that my really uncaring uncle I doesnt want to put them in a home, as we feared he sided with J, as they are/were quite close.
(Basically we've been ostracised by the rest of the family for daring to have a husband/father that died. He even sits behind me for football and hasnt spoken to me since the funeral, and I have made the effort.)
So we thought he might side with them as he doesnt go to visit, and well doesn't want to know I guess.
My aunt G works for Social Services and even she points out that they might be fucked in the head but not too such an extent that they need to go in a home.
My Uncle M has said honestly (and although I'm angry at this, I suppose you have to admire his honesty) He doesnt want to see them in a home, that he stays away as he cant face what his parents have become, but he knows they dont need a home and he is happy with power of attorny and making sure that they're secure money-wise.
Mother has care of Nan's finances, in a joint account to stop her spending anything or anyone ripping her off and has always been very open with him about it.
(Which was another reason for abuse "You've had a new car and a kitchen extension in the last three years! Don't think I dont know where that money is coming from!)
Yeah so Dad's meagre pension and her savings dont cover that? Pah.

I really think there's something wrong with J, I think he is suffering from some kinda mental illness. Bipolar or something. I dont know. But he's the worst person to be there with them. He has no job anymore, Apparently he took a swing at someone he worked with.
I remember my uncle as being very placid. He was a copper and once walked into the middle of a gang stareout, talked to them and with in 40 minutes had got them to put away their guns and walk home.
This crazed quick to snap and lash out person is not the uncle I knew, not the brother my Mother knows.
I worry about her going there now, but she worries about Nan and Granddads safety more. What happens if he snaps with them?
It'd be good on the one hand as it'd be the final straw needed to break the camels back and get him out.
But it'd not be good for them. At all.

GAAAHHH



This India trip is starting to do my head in. In fact i'm starting to dread it. Its bad enough that we'll be spending the first week in an admittedly pretty but desolate part of India, where there seems to be nothing to do but yoga (stopping my plans to dive)
But then E who is flying in to join me for the next two weeks asked me "My manager at work, was gonna go with her bf, but they broke up, can I ask her to come too?"
Well I couldnt be a bitch so had to say yes, although I dont think i've ever met her.
Anyway, she's been pretty elusive when I've been asking her to meet me to arrange plans and now she's hit me with the fact that her and her mate have pretty much organised an iteniery to do in the two weeks.

Without consulting me.

So yeah, now I feel like i'm going to be tagging along in THEIR holiday, and I hate the people she works with, they're all very clique-y and I fear two weeks of doing nothing. Saying nothing.

Soo. I shall be spending the first week sitting on a beach bored whilsy Welshy and his pals drink themselves stupid and BURN
And then the next two weeks feeling like a hanger-on.
Is it wrong for me to feel really pissed about this? Mother reckons i'm being a drama queen and I should be grateful I'm going anywhere (hinting that I'm a bitch for going and she isnt)

I dunno. I'm really annoyed.


Tomorrow is the anniversary. I probably wont be able to blog about it due to a lack of working laptop.
I dont know how I feel about it. I feel sad and the ache is there when I think about it. but I have such a busy day with my interview and other injections and maths and shit to do that I dont know if I can think much about it then.


Saturday will be his birthday and we'll be out for the customary meal and we'll take it from there I guess.
And then in a weeks time I'll be flying out for better or for worst!

And incidently tuesday will be mine and Welshy's 3 year anniversary!! Hardcore!