I absolutely hate this time of year, everything comes flooding back, everything that I more or less manage to hide the rest of the year.
I hate pretending to be normal, happy, bouncy, fun Charbs at work, I hate being in company, but I hate being alone more, cos thats when it hurts more, at least in work I can distract myself because i'm acting so hard to hide the pain.
I hate it. I hate the wrench in my heart as that date gets closer and closer, I hate feeling like I'm going to break down in tears any moment, sometimes I do, luckily always alone and no one knows about it.
I know I have people to fall back on, people who'd be more than willing to help me, but I can't, physically can't bring myself to tell them how much it still hurts
(shit I'm crying now)
Welshy last night, he offered, he's there. I know, he's a good boy. but I snapped at him, told him that I was fine and to leave me alone, that I didnt need his help, although I do, but I still prefer to keep these things to myself, to deal with them on my own.

Anyway. Its time for my usual end of year review.
Its been a good one really. There was New Zealand, I can close my eyes and I'm in the bush, I'm watching the sunset and stars over the Kaikoura mountains. I'm crawling under or through four tonnes of blue ice looking at the bubbles imprisoned in it on the glacier. I'm seeing the baby dolphin play against the waves of our boat, I'm standing on the edge of the bridge, shit scared about jumping off, feeling the fear as my feet dangle out of a plane. I hope the memories of that stay forever.

And I have Welshy. I'm glad, that I found him, glad that I have his friendship, perhaps sometimes I do take him for granted and his willingness to always be the one who takes that godawful 4 hour train journey so we can see each other. I'm very glad too that I realised before it was too late how much he means to me. (I wont get any more soppy and girly, he reads this sometimes!! - and it sickens me!)

I have my job too, I hate it and love it equally, I hate always being poor and bored, I hate the fact that again its nothing degree related, but I love how easy it is, I love the people I work with.

The only real downside to this year, is my Mother's continued attempts to keep me here forever and losing Chris.

So my New Year's ambition is to get a real job doing something I'd love, something degree related at last!

And now to Wish you all a very Happy New Year!!!