What is it about bank holidays that make a return to work seem even longer?
This week has been a drag! Went on a training course on Thursday, that broke it up a little though, I did some early morning cleaning Wednesday and Thursday.

V is moving again. This time we are all tagging along. Up and down thoughts about this. Hope it goes well. Lucky me gets to be the first to sit on her in her new home and she's bound to be up on her toes....

Had a good lesson today and that makes me sad as instructor doesn't travel, so now to get used to someone else's way of teaching and the nerves of riding in front of someone new!

Been doing a fair bit of gardening this week, repairing and weeding the damage to Dad's "fuck you cancer" shed. Brat has been helping and i've encouraged this, better for him that sitting about drinking.

Paid Friday and its going to be a fucking tight month, but on the good side next month will be the last payment of credit card debt Hurrah! I then have two loans and the overdraft to pay off.

So focus on the overdraft as the loans take care of themselves and once that's done I can then try and use some of it to remove a loan? I dunno. Just concentrate on that credit card and then one thing at a time Charbs, we're getting there, a lot slower than ever hoped but its happening and that's the main thing.

Super tired!

Been pretty much babysitting whilst at work this week, which was a bit annoying. Thankfully it was Easter so Friday off!
Did V and then drove Dog and myself to Winchester Services as cheapest hotel I could find to Hampshire ready for comp on Sat.

Another early start for that and she ran really well. We actually got in trouble for running too fast! Was very tight and came down to a 3-2 defeat which left us in 2nd place.

She then decided to wake me up (thanks. *rolls eyes*) at 6am for a wee the next morning and of course its bright outside by then and I couldn't go back to sleep so we drove back to see V ride and muck out and then home.

These long trips really seem to take it out on me as I'm still shattered today, despite a lie in until 9 and another hour long nap later that day.

We spent today clearing the back garden, filled up two wheely bins and the back is looking far more presentable. Still a long old way to go though!

Early night I think as have two days cleaning in the morning Wednesday and Thursday. Will have to be there at 5am. :( super sad about that but trying to focus on the little extra money) and of course its only two weeks until the next bank holiday!

So last week was mostly made up of cheesecake.
I foolishly volunteered to make one for work.
So that meant making a practice one at home, then a practice at work and then the real thing. Twice.
I'm sick to death of the sight of cheesecake and yet have offered to make it again this week! Foolish, Foolish Charbs.

Went to look at a new home for the horse and us to move to. Fantasies now of hacking out after work in summer sunshine. Reality is probably death and destruction as she panics at the sight of a leaf.

so tired this weekend!

I reluctantly took up an offer of a night out with some people from work. Ended up leaving a flat in plumstead at 2.30 slightly giddy on wine and vodka.
I tried my first bit of weed too. Not sure if I did it right. Didn't feel any different. Hurrah to being grown up at 33 and experimenting with what most people try in their teens!

Anyway I got in at 2.45 and God i've struggled all weekend. Not hungover, still don't really get those but so tired. Dog doesn't believe in lie ins and had me up at 7.30.

Another thing - I'd forgotten about the stink of stale smoke and had to wash my bedding and hair before being able to take her out.

Woke the Tort up from hibernation and made a cheesecake - practice as I've managed to volunteer myself into making one for work.

Didn't feel much more with it today, especially when I went to flyball training and managed to ignore all signs saying road closed and tried to turn into the road.
Stupid Charby. Then a long detour to try to find another entrance. Hope its up and fixed for next week.

Nice little jumping session. I'm really starting to feel a lot more confident over reasonably sized X-poles but still chickened out of the upright. There's talk of moving her to a yard with turn out and good hacking which i've missed. Although she's a cow to hack.

Didn't get home until 2.30 and then slept! Still really quite tired now. I've never been able to cope on less than 8 hours sleep and definitely growing older as struggled all weekend with it!

Busy week here. Maybe not as bad regarding credit card as thought. Busy trying to figure out how to change it over to the new interest free one I've got.

Mother has been home this weekend. We went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was pretty good although I did want the cartoon voices.

Not sure if Welshy has a Russian girlfriend or not. His Mam and brother have been out to see him and she posted fb photos (no girl in them) about how nice it was to see Welshy and "Elena". My stomach hurts at the thought of this and I'm angry about how my feelings are betraying me, I realise it was for the best, but fuck it. Why couldn't I be the first to move on?
Impossible when I never get the chance to meet anyone.

Dog all good. Jumped the horse which was good. First jump at proper height in nearly 20 years - not that 70cm is a proper height but its a start! Work - boss has been away this week. I fear the fallout tomorrow.....

Been a busy old week here.
in process of changing my credit card over to one that's interest free after last weeks bombshell of having spent over the loan and that I had a lot more to pay off than I thought!

I want to do the same with my bank account and that's going to be a work in progress come Wednesday payday.
11 months interest free would be super useful!

This weekend we (I and Dog) drove to Peterborough for a competition. She ran really well and shaved a few seconds off of her optimum time. I would LOVE to get her down to under 5 seconds. We'll see.

Had a nice meal with some of our team mates both Friday and Saturday, there's a guy there my age with a dog who comes irregularly. I tried to imagine dating him. Failed. urgh.

Mothership comes home Thursday for sommat or another and I won a raffle! Yippie! I never win one and its a 50 pound gift card that was free entry after signing back up for contacts.

So very tired today driving home, didn't ride in the end had a long old nap with dog curled up on my lap.

Did a few jumps with the horse last week, almost looked like decent sized cross pole at the end and now to build on that and start from scratch with an upright and then move to my nemesis the oxer (two jumps close together and jumped as one)

Next comp is over Easter. I said I wasn't available for the Sunday so hoping to get selected for Saturday or Monday. Failing that next one will be Bank Holiday.

Went on a bloody pointless training course today, supposed to be about learning management and leadership skills.
Failed to learn either. Still. didn't have to go to work, didn't have to be in Wooly until 9.45 and was home an hour earlier than normal.

Last night I thought it'd be fun to do a "on this day" looking back through my blogger posts for March and back.

Some of it was fun, memories of drunken nights with friends in Derby, o travelling adventures some of it was sad reading about Welshy and how much fun we used to have together and then how it all died. Some of it was utterly heartbreaking remembering Dad and those last few months together.

I read too of awful comments Mother made and I find myself doubting the words I've written. Did she really tell me I was too stupid to take a job? Did she really, repeatedly tell me how awful I am compared to the Brat. Did she ever pay back the thousand pounds I've lent her?

My posts at some point changed from full of hope, that I would one day free myself from this, make something of myself, to bitter resignation.
I no longer have hope that I will do that. Life that keeps me in London, the economy that makes it impossible for me to live in London independently has killed that.

Perhaps it went when I lost the job in Bedfordshire. The final nail on the coffin when she failed to make good on the promise that I'd have some of the inheritance. I kept a foolish hope that one day Welshy would pull himself together and help me get out of this mess, but yet I always planned how I'd keep the both of us, knowing that nothing would change.

 I just have to keep on treading water, those debts are slowly going, Only 600 pounds left of a one time 2,800 credit card debit. I can pay that off in 6 months if I do a 100 pounds a month. I can pay it off in three months if I can carry on the 200 a month I'm currently paying back.

Then to focus on the overdraft. I can do this, not sure yet of the best procedure to do so. and then next August the bank loan I took out will be done and I can rebuild. 16 more months. Then who knows?

Well I do now know. I will be here still. And I will be here in another 10 years.

On/off week back at work. Manager is applying for funding to create a new role and its something I'd like to go for but a) the self-doubt creeps in as to whether I'd actually be suitable or able to cope for it.
b) the funding only lasts for three years. I have no intentions on being unemployed at the end of three years as stands to reason that my role now wouldn't still be available and would have gone elsewhere.

V has had a bit of a cough this week and therefore we've had a bit of a slump after last weeks high of how well she was going, can't hold it against her nor let it get me down.

I did shit loads of planting yesterday, spent far too much money in the garden centre, created a new hanging basket for the porch and planted candytuft, begonias, a mixed planter and a raspberry bush.

I'd toying with the idea of getting a planter for carrots but we'll leave that I think until payday at the end of this month as I've got a hotel stay in Peterborough for a competition weekend after next and really I should tidy the patio up so I can plant them and carry on battling the weeds in the front garden.

Tomorrow I am attending a leadership and management course. We'll see if we're able to put any of it into practice.....

I've been off this week, as part of Mother's inheritance she decided to put some money into doing the porch. (our old porch has been without a door for at least 8 years).
Of course as benefits my life this has not been without its dramas.
Monday 8am they arrive and cheerily inform me that there has been a cockup and the scaffolding needed wouldn't be arriving until lunchtime and I was to call them then.
So I took dog to Greeny Park, it was a glorious sunny day. The first of a week of sun I hoped and we threw sticks, met some nesting parrots and had a lovely walk.
The scaffolding arrived at 1.30, so as requested I called them and left a voicemail. They called me back at 3.30 and said it was a bit late to do anything now and I'd see them Tuesday Morning at 8am.

Tuesday morning and as stated they were indeed there at 8am. I left them cracking on and took Dog to Lullingstone. Not as lovely a day but we still had a nice walk and a yummy cake and hot chocolate after. I got home about 12.45 and workmen were gone, however they have destroyed my tulip border.
I was struggling that day to be perky for some reason and took this quite hard. I have slowly been taking more and more of an interest in my front garden, removing slowly all the weeds and brambles and having grass reclaim it.
The tulips I'd originally brought for Nan and Granddad's Grave. There was red ones and white ones and some that were red and white petalled. (Charlton colours obvs) I was getting excited about them sprouting and hoped that only two or three weeks more might see buds arrive.

Wednesday no one came. I sat in until lunchtime then gave up and took Dog to Oxleas Wood where we had a muddy walk and then came home and a shower. Mother hinted that they might have called her but it was 1am her time (currently she is in LA) I rang through about 2.30ish and discovered that yes - despite having given them my number and landline they had ignored that and rung her instead.

Thursday - (bear in mind that the work was supposed to be Monday-Wednesday only) The man arrived shortly after 8am. 10 minutes after arriving he knocks on the door and very apologetically tells me that its been measured wrong and won't fit together. He promises to give me a call and return later that afternoon or early Friday. I don't hold out much hope for him returning that afternoon and I was proved right.

Friday no one came and we went to Foots Cray Meadow for a sunny walk along the river, bit annoyed that the weather had only just turned to sun again and this had also scuppered my plans to do gardening and aviary cleaning although I was still disheartened by Tulip Massacre.

I rang again mid afternoon and was told someone would call back - which they did! They promised to arrive Saturday and said that they had only just got the replacement parts.

I was pleasantly surprised to see him arrive Saturday and he cracked on throughout the day only leaving at 3.30 as weather was changing and promises to come on Monday when I am back at work to finish off the gaps around the edging.

This has been a bit of a crappy way to have a week off as I've done very little due to weather and porch dramas. I also found that I can't have my planned week off over May due to my boss needing an operation and being off for a month. Busy now trying to re-plan this as I'm determined to go.

Been a busy old week here. Work has been pretty full on but in a good way - had my appraisal today which went better than this time last year!

We did a flyball contest at the weekend - our team came last but hey ho, its all a learning curve for us and best of all it was an early finish so I was home by 6.30!

The weather has been shit, and not the good kind of shit, its been horrid sleety snow thats tried to settle and failed. V did look quite pretty with the snow melting into her forelock and mane though as I rode Friday night.

The Twins are coming back to visit me in June, it has been decided. They would like to see the Trooping of the Colour I'm not too fussed but it'll be nice to see them. Will need to look and find a nice walk/adventure to take them on.

I am planning my first solo holiday island hopping in Greece, but I had planned for June as it would be cheaper and nice weather so we'll see now...
Was definitely gonna need to book it up in stages to make it more affordable, but we'll plan that out come next Wednesday as to whether or not I have big enough balls to book the flights.

I forgot! Been now a whole year without Welshy in my life. Well just as a friend. Bizarre. We still catch up once or twice a week.

Nearly failed in my new mission of blogging at least once a week. 

Rome was lovely - at least 10 degrees warmer than the current vile -2 here! Saw so much more of it than last time's whirlwind tour with the Mothership.

Lolly good company as hoped and no awkwardness. Took train down to Pompeii and did that thoroughly as well.

Gave me a lot of possibly false confidence about travelling alone, currently trying to see if a trip to Athens and some island hopping might be feasible come June. I also am thinking about Romania in September.

We'll see..... 

Hoping it warms up a little here, no fun walking the dog in the cold and the poor horse has been trapped in her box as too cold to turn out in the field and too hard to ride in the school.

Off to Rome tomorrow, hope it'll be fine!

Dog did her first comp of year, fucked up one heat but still finished 3rd.

I tried a face mask tonight! Remember how cool it was to do the PVA glue thing on your hand at school. Peeling it off was just like that!

Back to work and a little sluggish getting myself back into my routine. Feeling a bit guilty about that. Poor Dog has been not coping without her early morning walk, but she hates the cold, and its been bitter ice the last few mornings.
I got contacts! That was another part of my little image change, well its not really a change as I have been like this in various stages of this Blog's life but hey ho!

Work has been fairly positive. She's talking about how I need to step up more and take more responsibility. Which will lead into perhaps a better title and hopefully more money, but we won't raise our hopes.

Me and the dog have registered to do a 5k muddy dog challenge in September to raise money for Battersea Dog and Cat home and E has suggested we also in the same month attempt a 100k walk for charity along the Thames Path....

Of course there's only one charity i'd wanna raise money for and we'll just pause *here* for the moment and wonder just how the fuck can it be 11 years yesterday since that awful Wednesday when Dad went away.......

So our annual end of year review.

GOOD POINTS - No one died this year. Well no one I know despite 2016's attempt at destroying people.
I still have a job.
I still have the dog and the horse.
I am slowly wriggling out of debt - another 26 months to go! God I wish I'd taken the loan sooner.
Russia - despite breaking up with Welshy, it was lovely
Exploring various places via flyball and the dog

BAD POINTS.
I am desperately lonely.
I am still so very, very poor
Its another lonely New Year and work again on Tuesday and the usual pretence about having had a good time, I feel like I've wasted this week of free leave somehow.

So as normal FUCK OFF 2016 and Hello 2017.

Its not been too bad a Christmas so far, The usual bout of lies about what i'm doing, going up to see the horse, walking the dog. I've been painting the upstairs hall and I think one more coat should do it. I was hit by a pang in the bottom of my stomach that made me feel sick when I saw that Welshy had been with his friends in London and not been to see me, but I remind myself there is no need for him to do so now.

I cut my hair off. Well I got a professional to do it. 6 inches gone and now we sport a casual little bob, I got my contact lenses back, just a pay as you wear type deal.

And here I am starting my vow early to blog at least once a week. I might have a nap now. That's the best thing about Christmas. Two weeks then I go to Rome!

So Wednesday when I blogged, I was hit by a fit of loneliness. I'd gone to bloody ASDA just to be around people, clutching my Yankee Candle and repeating silently. Fiercely. I am not Lonely. I am not Lonely.

Yesterday was a better day, I find my depression - if that's what I've battled all these years - to be hit and miss like this, up days and down days. Of course now with the dog I cannot let it win like I used to. I cannot simply spend the day sleeping in bed. She needs me. I must get up, I must get her breakfast and dinner ready, I must take her for at least two hours of exercise throughout the day.

So it manifests itself in other ways, aimless fantasies about how satisfying it would be to be fully independent, to reject Welshy should the unlikely occurrance of him suddenly appearing at my door from Russia and telling me that he had made a huge mistake.

This is another blog post for another day. The sudden realisation in the summer that, I had fallen out of love with him a long time ago, and my grief was the grief of losing my best friend and the fear of being alone. Well I'm alone now, and I was alone before him and I was alone when he was away. So what's the fucking difference really?

So Thursday after work I made a really nice (even if I say so myself) bacon and mushroom carbonana, I started to paint the upstairs hall - context - It has been bare plaster work for 6 years and I tidied the kitchen and I did some writing.

I kept busy. I mean I am busy every day, dog walking, work, horse riding, Spanish, tidying up after my brother's filth. Flyball. But focused busy. I have a plan.

Today I took the afternoon off. I made an appointment to get contact lenses again. I rode the horse early and then came home, made another pasta dish and did some more painting. I booked an appointment to get the brakes checked on the car. I can afford such things now!

I am taking next Wednesday off. Then we close on Friday for Christmas, I was dreading it a little, all that time with nothing to do but drift aimlessly. I have a plan.
The dog is overdue some nice long walks. I have not had my haircut in two years. I am going to book a real appointment in a real terrifying hairdressers. I realise my outdoorsy lifestyle means I cannot have too drastic a change, but I'm going at least to get a trim and be baffled by words like feathering, and layers, and highlights and lowlights.

I will finish painting the hall, at least the first coat. I will do some necessary repairs to the aviary. All being well I shall return to work, with new hair and new eyes so to speak! A minor image change!

And then I am at work for two weeks and then I am going to Rome which I did promise to tell you about and I shall explain the circumstances behind this soon.

But now, in my upcycle of motivation. I'm going to tell you my new years resolutions.

1 - I will sit the DELE A2 exam finally. February or April.
2 - I will blog - if not every day, at least once a week.
3 - I will go on at least one foreign holiday by myself.
4 - I will write that story, and see what happens with it.

I set myself various challenges to achieve before 30. Some remain and will probably remain uncompleted, like having my own home, yes I can speak Spanish but I do not class myself as fluent, I would like to reach B2 level before I would class myself as that, that may take a long, long time, but I am shitloads better than this time last year, this time two years ago. Fuck I'm a shitload better than 4 years ago when I lived in Spain.
Most took longer to achieve than I planned.

Tomorrow People. I will tell you about my planned trip to Rome.

There are good days and bad days in my life, and I expect there this will continue with battling the bad days more than the good but I have to remember that I am a fucking awesome human, who has seen and done some pretty cool shit and that should be enough to get me through the bad days.

In November I went out to Grotty - first trip in 6 years. I tied it up with a Spic course - actually had conversations - however stilted with people! Super chuffed with myself. The course I found harder and harder as the week went on although it was stuff I had covered.

I scuba dived as well and that was pretty cool and it was bearable being with them and then Mother came home (she has just gone again) three weeks later.
She has been given a preliminary payment from the wills of 68k. Remember how she said that I could have a third of whatever she got?
Yeah she forgot that. She said she didnt want to give me anything as she didnt want it wasted on paying off debts.
The debts that I got into after getting sacked after looking after her and being the go-between between her and her ridiculous family.
I cried. I have had to visit the pub up the road to go to the loo when I couldn't afford toilet rolls, had to choose between repairing shoes with holes or buying enough food for the week. I who blow a stupid amount of money on repaying loans and credit card bills and buying items like bleach, and lightbulbs and bin bags despite the Brat earning more than me, he refuses to spend out on anything.
Remember when the job centre refused to give me any money because I went to an interview rather than go sign on, despite giving them all the proof needed?
Remember when they told me I could get an emergency loan and then pay it back out of the JSA?
Remember when I took time off of work to support her in Court after their trumped up excuses and taking time off of work to go see Nanny?

Yeah. I do. I have had the thoughts of 20k - hell even 5k would clear my debts to keep me going for the last two years. And then it got snatched away.

She did  - to be fair - give me a thousand pounds. That's a 1/3 of my credit card paid off. And I was never mentioned in the will and therefore I cannot say or do anything. I am not my family. I will drag myself out of fucking debt my own way and if it means my only hope is now gone, then so be it.
I am not as fucking broke as I was this time last year having to accept a food parcel from E and P's mam.

Hell I even brought a Yankee Candle tonight and if that's not burning money I don't know what is!!

Xmas is coming and i'm feeling goddam lonely, but that will be a post for another night - including how I managed to book myself onto a flight to Rome which I realise makes a mockery of above or alternatively shows how I've managed to free myself so much that I can book these things. Maybe this time next year I could consider a longhaul flight although doing so alone frightens me.
But again a post for another day.

I've felt very guilty about the gaps in blogging.
I miss venting on this.

I took a bank loan to clear my overdraft. I feel really good about this, bizarrely its a good move (I hope) yes I've dipped back into it by about 200 pounds, but I got things I have been waiting and needing for ages. Like new back tyres, like new bedding (mine was more hole than sheet), I bought more food than actually needed so I can start to replenish supplies.
I was quite cross that there was a week in August that I bought a pack of four loo rolls. When we ran out, I literally had no money to replace them. We went through them in a week. I bought a back of 16 this month. We have used two. How do you figure that out?
Now I need to remain sensible. I obviously have to pay it back, its spread over 16 months, a realistic figure to pay.
I still need things. New brake pads are the most pressing outstanding item, but I'm going to do that in the November pay run. I've been picking up little bits of overtime each month - each little bit would be enough to cover the months repayment, but its still a doable figure should I not get that bit of money.
In February I foolishly booked flights to Grotty thinking I would be out of debt and could afford a Spanish exam and intensive course. Well of course thats not the case, but I'm going to use this months little bit of overtime to pay for the Spanish course and Mother and TMWMitW are going to also chip in for it.
Its such a weight off of my mind knowing I can buy food now, and not necessarily yellow stickered food.

 I bought daffs and tulips for the Grave, its made me sad to think of it neglected, and I thought that, being annual plants it would be ok but I've since found out that there are plans for a whopping slab of stone over the top. So I started to dig over the front garden. A project that has been neglected since we moved in - Sometime around 1998 - Its a hard slog and I struggle to find time, but I plan on planting a border and hopefully getting some turf to make a lawn.

I want to tell you the story of my Grandparents. I'm thinking of signing up to ancestory.com or similar to see if I can find out more.

It is hard now that there is no one to ask - but they were of the generation that didn't talk of their feelings or emotions - but theirs is an interesting story, of child-loss and working in mines and being sent to fight in Korea, of mother and baby care homes.

I will make it in Word I think and then it will be easier to edit and then I shall record it here.

The dog is doing amazingly well at her flyball. I love it, I love her. The horse nearly got sold and then came back again and now L has realised she needs more than she is getting at the current yard. I am currently losing riding mojo- I always do at this time of year when the nights draw in and the thought of mucking out and riding in frost and dark for months and months is almost too much to bear.

TP and TJ visited and we saw the Harry Potter Play. It was good, the effects made it really, storyline a bit naff but I'm keeping the secrets for those who haven't seen/read it.

Welshy is back in Russia. He was home for a bit over the bank holiday but now is gone again. We still talk semi-regularly, send each other Facebook links to things that may amuse.

I am starting - no I am lonely - but I dont understand how people meet people nowadays, nor how people have time for relationships. I made a timetable tonight, to try and use my time more effectively. I have genuinely scheduled weekend naps.

I don't particularly want a relationship either, but I want the person who has my back bit. Someone I could talk to about everything and anything, that endless conversation.

until then I have ice cream and I've learnt to make cheesecake and I have a dog asleep on my lap, what with that and vodka, who could ask for more?!

So the days roll on. I sometimes get lonely but I am busy.
V's owner has a list of people she is trying to set me up with. The Flyball team suggested someone.

What am I supposed to do to these people? Fall and grovel at their feet begging that "yes, please set me up with X Y and Z. Oh God anything to stop this loneliness."

Instead I smile politely and feign interest.

My frustrations mostly come from not having the money to celebrate doing what I like, like holidays. But whatever. I buy what ice-cream I like now instead of having to find one that suits us both. I'm gonna go to a heavy horse show on Saturday.

I carry on with my life pretty much how I did before. Yes sometimes there are satisfying fantasies about finding someone, or him coming back to me, but i'm happy enough on my own.

Meanwhiles the probate/will row rumbles on. The copywriting issue rumbles on and I await the results of both.