Poor cow died not long after posting last week. Gotta see if I can get the funeral off. I feel like I should attend.
The most shocking thing of all is that The Brat actually has thawed in his attitude towards TMWMITW and actually spoke to him! Twice! Is it too much to hope that from this they can start to build, if not a friendship but civility?

Busy week here as always, fitting in riding, work agility class. We have just come back from a flyball comp where I looked after FWB's dog as well and ran her. Both dogs got 2nd places.

Hmm. Also maybe some thawing there in his attitude? He messaged me stupidly early Saturday morning - as in before 7am stupid! - I'd said you see, that I would go and help set up for the comp and he then also volunteered his time.
I rode and then didnt see point of travelling 40 minutes home, to turn around and go again but also didn't wanna be there too long. So I asked him if he fancied a visitor and I hung out while he pottered about and moaned about work lol!
I did get paranoid later in the day that he hadn't wanted me there and if I'd been a bother but he said no so that's ok. It's so odd. I want to hang out with him like I do my other boys but at same time I fear his commitmentphobe brain going into overdrive.

Anyway I made a diversion there this morning. Ha. He left the door on the latch for me and I just wandered straight in and up to where he was still lazing in bed. Felt a bit like I was breaking and entering.

Anyway I'm sure I have more to blog about but I'm tired so I'm away to bed.

Very sad. The girl that is my stepsister is dying, there is a massive growth in her ovary and it's spread to other parts. Her kidneys shut down yesterday and now it's just a matter of time. I hope it's peaceful.

It really messed with my mind a bit, same as when lolly went with the stroke. How can you be walking about one day and then life destroyed the next?

The girl has a horse. TMWMITW wants me to have it. I cannot afford it. I might not be suitable for it. I might not have the time for it. Trying to remain strong and not let my inner 12 year old that still dreams of a pony in the garden at Christmas to start whispering in my ear.

A reasonable week at work, Wednesday was good. I finished about 3 and same Thursday. I got a sneaky day off Friday which is good as I drove the Mothership over to Slough to the hospital - supposedly a 3 hour round trip. Took me 7. Yay for the m25.

Agility was good with the dog, bit more focussed this week. Went away quite pleased.

Busy day yesterday with walks for the dog plus her hydrotherapy appointment and then I shot off to see One Night Stand Guy.

Hoping for an easy week next week. I have Monday off and a sneaky Tuesday, I need to sort out a card for the old lady at flyball who looks after me lol and then I have drinks with the girls where I used to work on Friday (hoping for a sneaky early finish!) And then cakes to make and a flyball comp Sunday. Am running One Night Stand Guys dog as well as my own.

I should adopt a new nickname for One Night Stand Guy as it's starting to turn into a regular thing. Perhaps FWB (Friend With Benefit)?

Managed three(!!) Days in the office this week!
The beagle and lurcher came to stay on Wednesday and are going home tomorrow.

Was meant to go to One Night Stand Guys place Thursday but time got in the way. Whizzed round this morning! Think he was either offended/amused that I then shot off again without saying goodbye! In my defence he was on the phone and I had to get back for flyball training!

Agility training was frustrating. Hero is very distracted by the surface for some reason, although it's a riding arena and nothing there should be new to her!! She also got worried about doing the seesaw!

The girl I guess is now my stepsister collapsed on Thursday. Turns out she has a large tumour in her ovaries and it's spread. Doesnt sound good TMWMITW flew back Saturday and I'm awaiting a summons anyday from the mothership to collect her as well!!

Let's see what Monday brings for us all!!

Another week where I just spend Monday in the office and the rest of the week tootling in the van. I am not a fan of these early get ups at all.
I've decided that I'm giving myself till end of Jan If I'm not in the office fully by then I'm looking elsewhere. Originally it was going to be Xmas but then I realised it was gonna be mega busy with Xmas trees and shit so deffo not in office by then!!

Although it was made a little better this week as despite a Friday start of 6am I was back at home by 9.30. So I napped, walked dog and then had a gorgeous ride in the woods in the sunshine.

Dog did well at both agility and flyball and went for a water therapy session to help fitness and act as a physio session for muscles.

This morning I had a request to go to One Night Stand Guys place and I did so. We slept together but it was a bit different to before and that's all I'm saying on the matter!!

Getting ready for another week at work now. Hey ho.

Starting to get a bit annoyed with just sitting in the van helping with maintainence. Especially with London traffic making it so I am late home for the dog.

Still I have tomorrow in the office and maybe Tuesday as well although I think I will probably end up on the road again after that for the week. I dont really get how I am supposed to learn how to do the office stuff if I am only there every so often?! I mean I've been at the job 5 weeks now and only spent a total of 3 days so far in there?

Anyway it's fine. Better than being unemployed!

One Night Stand Guy messaged me and we met up with his dog for agility - annoyingly she was better than mine and has already been promoted to another class.

Mine is also running shit and slow again which makes me sad but what can you do? I'm doing my best to work on her fitness but hard when at work all the time!

Went out last night as it would have been L's birthday. Much drinks. Came home at 4.30 and then went up early for dog and horses. Struggled this morning haha!

I dunno. A guy started chatting to me, was a bit too keen, too young, had a kid, I wasn't interested in him. In the club later another guy - one of my good friends J, I guess we are a bit flirty together when drunk, its never been anything though other than playing but last night.... I felt he was trying to move on past that. You know you kinda get that 6th sense that the situation has changed?
Maybe cos he was so drunk and I was the only single female (who was also straight!) there. Not interested in him.
I don't even know what's wrong with me. I can't get with any of my friends as I know them too well, chatting to strangers fills me with alarm as I can't cope with not knowing the situation.
So am I still in love with Welshy? I don't even know. I can go odd days now without thinking about him.
Am I in love with One Night Stand Guy? No. Attracted to him yes, do I want a relationship with him? No. He's in a unique category of being another one of my male friends, but one of the ones I don't mind doing stuff with where as I can't even picture it with any of the others.
I need help lol!!

Another hardcore week out and about doing things! Watering, deadheading, sweeping, fiddling.
Got to finish at half 11 though on Friday, pretty goddam pleased about that!
Did the horse early which is always good. Dog started agility class, just learning jumps and the introduction of weaving poles, jumps she obviously found easy although I need to get her to realise that its not about doing thing a million miles an hour like flyball!
Went to a same-sex wedding last night - lots of free wine, dancing and fun. Mild wine headache this morning which took a long time to wear away!

Still no sign of my tortoise in the garden and im starting to really worry that i've lost the bugger for good.

He wanted me to come over Monday night, I refused. I'm not at his beck and call and Gravesend is a long way away, I was busy. I've been fairly busy all week, riding, had my redundancy party from the old place, been on site visits again all this week, started agility lessons with the dog.
I don't want to drag her along with me, she's a pain as much as I love her. So I said how about this weekend. I refuse to bring it up with him though and say how about me coming over. I will not beg for it.
I got Friday off - yay! - Did the horse early, went up to London and did the latest exhibit at the NHM and then over to Foyles and bought a couple of books, I took back a couple of bottles of wine from the party and have chilled out reading and drinking.
I've tidied the garden and filled up two more wheely bins - lady next door still moaning about the state of the garden which depressed me a bit.
4 in the space of a fortnight is pretty good going in my book especially when you consider everything else going on!

Not a lot else to report this week. Lets see what next week brings.

Been a busy and hectic week at work - been off doing all the site visits and helping to maintain them - not really sure I do too much in the way of helping - more deadheading and hoping for best and occasionally weeding and watering - fuck me though my sweeping skills are coming in strong here!
Early starts, not good for a person who loves their sleep but its only for another week and there's the strong possibility of Friday off and I can roll with that!!!

I dont want to discuss One Night Stand Guy too much on here - but I'm curious about it all, we speak often, almost every day, he messaged me Wednesday really excited as he'd literally just found out he's been offered the chance to apply for a massive, massive contract.
Is this something that fuckboys do? None of my real, close male friends would be in that position ever but I can't imagine me being one of the first people they turn to, to tell such things.

It's a weird one. I don't want to read too much into it. When we meet and say goodbye I want to hug him like I would all my friends but something holds me back, is it fear that he'd read too much into it himself?
And how do I really feel about him? Yes I'm attracted to him. I won't allow myself to fall for him and i'm pretty clear that he is only out for one thing from me which helps me to remain strong.
He is a nice distraction from Welshy and that's the main thing.

Car got fucked - needs a new door - goodbye to first pay cheque!

Annoyed with the Brat as always and his lack of help around the house and slightly concerned as I put the tortoise into the garden last week and haven't seen him since!! Am sure he's just in the weeds somewhere but.... yeah.... come out of hiding soon!!

Starting agility classes with the dog this week, be something to help keep her fit over the winter I guess!!

So again we need to catch up. My super busy August is over now and I can take stock of what has happened and regroup.
So I went to Mothers Wedding. I went for the shortest amount of time, but the return flight still cost me just under 500 quid.
And the car needed work doing on it for the MOT. Sad times. Goodbye Redundancy Money.
She wasn't as stressed as I feared although she did get up at 1am to start baking the wedding cake.
The wedding/commitment ceremony itself took place in the evening.
His daughter was there, I'd never met her and she clearly was in no mood to speak to me or be my friend. I was told by her that I had to sit at their table so I did and when it became apparent that she wasn't going to talk to me, I turned to the old man sat next to me. Still have no idea who he was to this day.
Introduced myself, put my hand out. He looked at me, at my hand and said nothing.
Wasn't really much I could do about the evening so I got merrily drunk. There was a very good looking guy there (think 90;s surfer look) unfortunately covered in tattoos which reduced him from a clear 9 to a 2 out of 10 at best.
Is it wrong that in my drunken state I may have told this to One Night Stand?
He was at his own wedding (not his to be clear, a wedding of a cousin) He tried to one up me. Did he sleep with someone else or is it put on? I've been told that he's not as successful as he likes to make out. I kinda sense some truth in this but its not really something I can ask him!!!
Anyway, I kinda knew where it was leading and I ended up going to his once I got back from Gatwick, we watched the football, we drank wine. We went upstairs and then watched the 3rd Men in Black film and I left when he was falling asleep on the sofa.
Do I feel bad/ashamed of all this? No. Maybe I should but I know where I stand and he's already become like another one of my boys, except I don't do the things I do with him with the other boys!!!
Dog did flyball this morning and ran well. got some more 4.9's although back to 5.3's when I raced in a team which is slightly annoying!
Back to work tomorrow and time to really settle in on the new job!

Been so busy and been such a slacker with this!

So as last mentioned I went up to Glossop to see my Godparents. Lots of walks for Hero, lovely to catch up and see them.
Then down to the flyball championships with a quick pit stop to visit H2 and a stop at Spondon Asda! Oh my god it seems a lifetime ago since we were there - 5 of us stuck in CL's Fiat chequinto.
One Night Stand and I had hired a camper van together - was I hoping something might happen between us? Yes to be honest.
Did anything happen - No. Am I disappointed? Not really. We had a lovely time, I outdrank him most of the time and it was nice to hang out.
- yes I do toy with the idea of seeing if he's up for a repeat performance but I'm not going to lower myself to that. (also don't think I'd like the rejection if it did happen!)
Really pleased as our team pulled a result out of the bag and we took 3rd place, overall the club took a 1st, 2nd and 4th place as well, so good adventure and already plans ahead for next year!
Shot home late on Sunday and had L's funeral Monday. I still can't quite believe it. I gave a speech. I cried. I caught up with the boys and had several drinks.
Tuesday started the new job and its that whole bit of being daunted, am I doing the right thing? Am I annoying by asking too many questions? Do they think I'm being slow at what i'm doing? Do they regret taking me on?

Hopefully in a months time i'll be more settled and in a flow a bit more.

Thursday (told you its been full on!!) I did a talk at a council meeting to try and save the field. It was a done deal really. We saw paperwork saying that unless the rugby club got what they wanted they were pulling out. The woman Chair was a bit of a Hitler and I lost my temper with her a bit and told her she was a rude bitch. - Probably didnt help matters to go in our favour (holds head in hands).

Saturday I went and helped muck out 13 boxes - the lady who owns the yard broke her leg and is in hospital. Mother had volunteered me to book plane tickets for a friend of hers who came around and Sunday we were at our last competition of the year.

Bloody hell is my dog fit now? She used to be a solid 5 second dog - anything from 5.3-5.7 seconds.
She got several 5.1, a 5.0, 4.9, and a smattering of 4.7's which is a HUGE drop in flyball times. (just as an idea the lane is 51 foot and includes a total of 8 nine inch high jumps, she also does a 33 foot run up to get to the start).
Super pleased and now wondering how I'm going to keep this up and hopefully improve it!!

Multibreed today and she was tired but the one time I did get to see she got a 5.3 so pleased with that.

Car in for service and MOT and then i'm off to the Wedding of the Year in Grotty... Mother is now Bridezilla. I'm glad i'm out for as short a time as possible!

He died before I could see him on Thursday. L which stood for his nickname - Lolly - Chris to use his real name. Somehow its hit me harder than a lot of the previous deaths. He was so gentle, such a gentleman, a year younger than me. Hard to get my head around.

I lost my shit Thursday night too. A woman, my mums age. She had been winding me up for months, claiming to be his friend, but yet where was she? how comes she never visited when she only works 3 days a week, and the ROG is a 15 minute walk from his rehab unit. She text him every day. Bollocks I say, he didnt need texts, he got depressed and down and he needed friends. His family couldn't get there every day. He was in the hospital and rehab on his own with only his own thoughts.
When she found out, she put it on facebook, before anyone knew, before his family had a chance to tell people.
I'm being a bit hypocritical here. I found out at lunch and I rang a few people, people that wouldn't find out any other way. G who came on all those Thursday visits, L up in Hull. A couple of people from the museum that I knew I could trust to keep the news quiet.
But to broadcast it on Facebook. No. That was low in my eyes. It was his families right to tell the museum, to allow them to tell people.
I told her so, I called her scum, told her how dreadful I had found her behaviour, really let fly at her. Maybe some of it was grief expressing itself, but its two weeks on now and I don't regret it, she needed to know how wrong her behaviour was.

I got a new job that week too. For a man I see on a regular basis while walking my dog and he his, he works for a plant design company. Again something different! I will be doing admin though so hopefully it'll go ok. Closer to home ever so slightly, more money too.

Last Sunday I came home from Mull visiting TP and TJ. TP now thankfully all clear from the cancer. Mull was lovely, I went up on the FRiday night, the day after finding out about L and it was hard in parts, I kept thinking I'd tell him about castles I visited and collected leaflets for him.
But its always good to see them both and so many lovely long walks, Hero came too and she has never been so tired, bless her. Falling asleep sat up!

Home again and I had my last week at work. MY boss wasn't in so I took the piss completely, leaving at lunch time, calling in sick on Friday.

We did dog training today and I think there might have been a bit of a breakthrough speedwise with her. We're off to the UK Flyball Championships next week. I'm staying in a camper van with One Night Stand Guy and yeah. I'm hoping for something to happen between us, even a casual thing.

Before that though I'm visiting my Godparents Monday - Thursday. Not seen them since Nan's funeral so a few years now! They've not even met Hero! Looking forward to that as well!

It's been a full on three weeks! Hoping to report with some good news next weekend and on Monday 21st it's L's funeral which will be tricky to get through.....

So my friend Lolly. The one who had a stroke, the one I've visited every Thursday, watched him slowly, slowly learn to walk again and then watched go downhill again.
He went AWOL end of May, got cancer. Since then I've read messages and hoped, and hoped that my instincts were wrong. That it wasn't what I thought. That I was projecting those hateful memories of Dad onto him.
God I wanted so much to be wrong.
I wasn't wrong.
A friend M rang me Thursday. She'd heard stories about him going into a hospice.
We both tried to get hold of him and his brother. Friday night my fears were confirmed.
He has weeks, if not days. He didn't want to see anyone.
Heartbroken. I hated that I couldn't help him, couldn't see him. Needed to do something. As always I couldn't cry, forced myself to go do something.
Saturday afternoon I text his brother just to tell him that although I didn't understand what THEY were going through, I knew to a degree. That I respected their need for privacy but if they needed me, to get in touch.
He told me to visit. He said that Lolly was trying to protect us and would be overjoyed to see us.
So G and I went.
He was thin, painfully thin but I knew to expect that, still some padding about the face. Hard. So hard. So glad G was with me to bounce talk off of him.
He asked at one point if we knew why he was there. I said yes and that I had guessed a long time ago.
He was going to say more but we were disturbed by a nurse. He collected his thoughts and asked what I was saying. I panicked and thought that perhaps he didnt know so made up a story.
He said he was just there until they control the vomiting and diarrhoea.
Protecting us again.

I'm going to see him again on Thursday. No G this time so it will be hellish hard. 

Why am I going through this again? It's not fair and once again all I want to do is crawl under my duvet and cry, but something forces me on.
It's not fair on the most gentle, sweetest man I know. He needs a miracle.

Last day at work confirmed! Scary times - 10th of August. Applied for a few things with long expiry dates as away a fair bit with Mull and dog champs
I get three days to attend interviews etc, so I took advantage of that and had today off.
Went to see E on Saturday - think its the first time I've seen her since last Summer!!!

We took the Dog to Ashridge Forest and had a nice walk and catch up and possibly the biggest scone i've ever eaten

Dog training and riding, and then just chilling out. Been shortlisted apparently for a role in the city so we'll wait and see if that goes anywhere.
Still all a bit surreal that i'm actually going!!

So, here's what's going down.
We were offered redundancy or restructuring. I initially wanted to go down the new job route as very mindful of all that time off of work last time and being away most of August!
There are two roles going. One is for events supervisior - 22k a year, more grief, less support than I get now. No thanks.
Other is events coordinator, less hours, 1k a year less money, but I didnt think I'd be that bad off as I'd be paying less tax, NI, student loan etc.
So in my 2nd meeting, she starts telling me about over 140 candidates and how some of them were really strong, which immediately puts me off but I hand over my CV anyway thinking, well at least I know the place and clients.
I was told I had 24 hours to prepare a 10 minute interview talking about one of three topics, preparing marketing and financials. Well I can do marketing to a degree as I do it as one of my many roles now, but it'd be amateurish compared to someone who does it properly and I have no idea about financials!!

So with that as well as the knowledge that she had candidates that she couldn't wait to interview I decided it was a waste of everyone's time and told her I wanted to go for redundancy as well. She was physically shocked and recoiled when I told her!

So I've mostly spent the week doing my CV and applying for jobs.

Work don't realise all that I do, and will be so buggered when I go, refunds, bookings, alcohol licencing, the office training, the PAT testing and contractors I deal with, no one else even knows the bloody WIFI code!
Every time I think of it, I think its more and more ridiculous how they are really shooting themselves in the foot and I think they are starting to realise that as they have pushed the last meeting back to Tuesday as they feel "they are rushing us and we need more time to think"
I think that its too far down the line to stop - we are going now and good luck to the new person/persons!

Went out with the girls from work - remembered that girls can't drink a lot! Went to bed at 1.30 - woke up at 4.30 and drove to Reading for a dog show where we watched the football!
Is it coming home? I hardly dare to dream.....

And look! I'm already behind again! I've been offered redundancy at work. Well that or restructuring.

Gonna do the restructuring route. If I took redundancy its less than 1k, it'd start just before I go on holiday and then i'm a month behind in looking for work with no savings to fall back on.

Restructuring means a small pay cut, less hours and gives me that breathing space to get through my holiday and then start looking again for things.

Fuck sake Life. Can you just stop being a cunt for a bit? 

The problem with not blogging is then you fall out of the habit and then it's like a month later with no updates.
Work thing was shitty but not as bad as I feared. I did the fun ride and I had SO much fun, didn't really jump anything but that's ok we had some good canters and gallops and she didn't hare about out of control. Lots of love for her and its given me some extra confidence for hacking.
Managed to get out of the work fun day due to necessary works cancelling it. They did a sponsored bike ride today from London to Brighton. I was expected to go and watch. I didn't. Got better things to do with my Sunday (like watch the World Cup!)
How many world cups in this blogs existence? Brazil, South Africa, Germany. Think I started blogging sometime around the Japan and South Korea one.

One Night Stand Guy and I have been messaging a fair bit, just casual, friendly banter, a message or two most nights. Two weeks ago we stayed up chatting till quite late and I learned some things that possibly explain his fear of commitment.  Also learned that he has quite the typical fragile male ego! Bless. He's a nice guy really and it'd be very easy to start crushing on him but we're not playing that game any more!

L - Oh God i'm so worried about him. It's been 4 weeks now since he messaged to tell me that while in stroke rehab they discovered cancer in his bowels and lymph nodes. 4 weeks since I've seen him as he claims to be too tired.
He's gone home now. G messaged his brother as he thought maybe we'd upset him. L is weak, in lots of pain and doped up on morphine. I took the bat detector to lend to someone at the museum and they said that his line manager had phoned up his mum as always, only to have her rude and curt down the phone, saying (and this is where stories differ) two museum people tell me that she was told not to phone again, that she'd nearly lost L once and was preparing to lose him again.
Another friend, no longer at the museum tells me that his mum said not to call again as she'd got some bad news.

Spent Thursday convincing myself he was dying any minute and I'd not know, until he messaged me late on to tell me about an infection in his testicles. (really more detail than I ever needed to know)
Feel a bit more reassured now but I'd like to see him for myself to really put my mind at ease but so much harder now he's at his mam's to just drop around, even if he still was up for visitors!

That's all for now folks. I've had a lovely lazy weekend watching the football and now it's time to sort my life out for work again next week - One more week closer to my holiday and only 5 more sleeps until payday....

Oh god. Not looking forward to work tomorrow.

There was a man who booked a party for his kid a month or so back. Then he rang to admit he'd made a mistake with the date and asked if he could change it which I did. He then rang back a few weeks after that to see if he could change it back to the first date. I said he could and he said he was going to check with his wife and entertainer. I never heard back so left it at the changed date.
Well guess who showed up today which would have been the original date?
My boss panicked. Refunded the money and put him into a larger hall than he wanted. And she's a customer's always right person so i'm going to get into trouble tomorrow.

Dog did dog show this week, ran well. We were unlucky not to get a placing. Planning Flyball BBQ for next weekend and I've signed up to do a fun ride.
I think i'm gonna need it! Dreading tomorrow now. Absolutely dreading it.

Weirdly after my little bicker with One Night Stand guy we've been getting on better. I feel like the cool kids would have a term for this, but i'm just putting it down to having the awkward sex thing out of the way and now just being mates.
Dog has had three flyball comps in a row and has run appallingly at all of them. I was so angry yesterday I completely lost the plot and screamed at her.
I'm taking her to the vets (yet more bloody expense I can do without!) for a pain checkup just in case but I think it's sheer naughtiness.
L didn't want to see us last Thursday after all and when we went this Wednesday he was in a downer mood so that made it hard. So glad I have G there as well when we go to have someone else to talk too!

Charlton made the League One playoffs so I went to watch for the first time in three or four years (imagine that a few years back!) they lost and i've just watched them lose the away leg. I do miss going, but I have too many other things now to go on weekends and devote my life to it again.
Most of my friends have the same feelings which is sad.

So after last weeks dizzy 24 degrees it's now dropped to 7 degrees and of course because it was so warm it feels worse than that.

Been an up and down week here. I was really pleased with V horse on Tuesday, we had a fantastic lesson with only minor steering errors.
Thursday went to see L in hospital as normal. He'd been talking about coming out with me to see Lovely who was on one of his rare visits from Hull. Friday though he was bottling it, I got impulsive like I did and asked his OT if he could come. He was rather angry and disappointed about me going behind his back and I had to do some major grovelling but we made up and I went to the pub and met B and JD as well as Lovely and it was so nice to catch up.
Saturday was a flyball day in Billericky so not too far to travel which was good!
Had a mixed day. Great to see everyone and get back out racing. Dog didn't run too well, but pulled it back in the end to set up two PB's - 5.2secs! I want to make that consistent now.
Happy banter between me and One Night Stand Guy, got the bacon roll he owed me. Stole his dog. All good. It turns out that another girl who goes but doesn't run a dog works alongside him and mentioned to me that she hears through the grapevine that he's shit at sex and doesn't have the luck with the ladies that he mentions to me. So of course me being me, when we're having a fb chat later and he's mentioning that he's off out to sleep with some girl unless I want to come around, have to bring it up.
Talk about fragile masculinity!! He went completely off the handle. Demanding to know who I'd heard it from, claiming he was going to message her and find out who she had been speaking to.
I said  which wasn't a lie, and that I'd not been listening fully so it was entirely possible I'd got wrong end of the stick. But apparently I didn't "Get it" (the bad sex thing matches up with my experiences btw) and then moaned that I always belittled him.
Which irritated me and I pointed out that he mocks me for not spreading my legs for everyone and being single. I'm lonely yes, but I realise my lifestyle makes it hard to meet new people and anyway. I was very lucky to have had Welshy in my life for 13 years and if that never happens again, then so be it. I'm certainly not desperate for another relationship - too busy for that shit!
Anyway. We made up I guess. Although I'm wondering why you'd get that stroppy unless there was a grain of truth in it!!

Back to work tomorrow and I have two flyball comps next weekend. Looking forward to that and hoping for another good lesson on Tuesday and hopefully there will be no awkwardness when we visit L in hospital Thursday!!!!

Its finally warmed up! Admittedly jumping from 12 to 24 was a bit much and
I'm rather pink and suffering from usual heat related complaints but its still nice to be in a t shirt for a change.

Usual routine here. Had an awful stomach bug that I'm still not 100% over - lost 1.5kg from it! Payday and instantly blown a lot of it on getting bird seed, dog food and trim and sorting the tortoise out. Annoyingly his lights have blown AGAIN!! He may only be awake for 6 months but he costs me more in that time than all the others put together!!
First outdoor comp of year next week - cant wait!

Busy week. Had an interview. Didn't get it. Bit gutted really. It would have been perfect!
Just gotta keep eye out for something else.
Made a lot of cakes this weekend as is the last day we have access to the field I walk the dog in.

One Night Stand guy popped up on Friday, wanting me to come around. I was busy baking. I know he was texting another girl at same time as me. I know that he had a girl come around when I refused as busy.

Part of me says that going to him makes me a pushover- makes him not respect me. I don't think he respects any female, certainly not the way he treats them. Although I appreciate how he's always been honest with me.

Then the stupid impulsive part of me whispers - what's the harm in going around there - apart from its a bloody long drive! I like and miss sex and both of us know where we stand.

I think it's the other girls bit that bothers me. If it was just me, then I could do it a lot more and accept it a lot more.

I used my time off of work wisely, I went to the dinosaurs in the wild at the 02 event, the one that got postponed from the first bout of snow.
As expected I was the only attendee without a small child. No awkward looks there whatsoever! It was very well done however. Based of off Jurassic Park and of course it all went wrong needing us to "evacuate"
I also went down the V and A for an exhibit about Winnie the Pooh and then one on cruise ships and then pottered into the NHM for a slightly disappointing Venom exhibition. Still. As I get to go to these things for free I can't complain!

I rode a fair bit which was good, had a pop over some jumps - nothing major just mostly 50cm and a 60 to finish, felt rather confident doing them which was good, even if they were a bit untidy!

I also have had a bit of a riding breakthrough in terms of my errant hands and contact so all good there!

Monday just gone however the poor dog got very sick, vomiting and fitting. I thought I was going to lose her. As it was all I lost was close to 85 pounds, and the insurance is covering the rest - nearly a thousand pounds! Poor, poor little dog. Broke my heart. She's better now thankfully, just building her strength back up and of course I'm now horribly bankrupt because of it.

I have an interview! Crazily it works out as 10 hours less a week, but nearly 200 pounds a month more - I also would get the fancy pants title of manager. We'll see. It might be beyond me and I've had my fingers burned before lets face it chasing money.

What else? Oh yes me and the receptionist at work went to see the Woman in Black. I pretended I hadn't seen it again. I wanted her to come with me during the Easter Break when I was getting fed up about it being three days since I spoke to anyone in person. Her commitments meant we had to wait until Wednesday.
It was good as always. Couldn't help but note it was the same seats that me and Welshy occupied once nearly 8 years ago. Sigh.

The thing is I have moved on from the relationship side of what we were. I just can't seem to move on from the friendship side and I miss that. Perhaps that's just cos i'm a bit lonely.

Other news? I ended up back in London again yesterday. L is so much better now, he's had the op to fix his skull and he had tickets for the Charles 1st exhibition at the Royal Academy. So off we trotted with his carer. He's hoping to be allowed home soon.

We've finally lost the battle for the field and now i'm not sure where I'll walk the dog come winter. The 16th is the last day and I'll be sad to lose it and the friends I've made walking there.

Gutted - my flyball competition over Easter has been called off due to the shit weather we've had lately.
But on other hand, although my hotel is non-refundable, I'm not spending on the petrol, the food for myself and the Dog, and car parking etc I gotta tell CL that i'm not coming after all which is sad, but hey ho.

Now to find something else for me to do! And at least I still get the time off of work - speaking of work, its still rather iffy as to how the charity is going. I'm applying for another job at the moment, although re-writing my covering statement is boring!
They also want to do the fun day in July - same day as I was planning on going to see TP and TJ. Yay. Everyone has to attend so that's a bugger as I really don't want to do it, then drive to bloody Derbyshire!
Was suggested that perhaps they'd rather come to London and volunteer!
Also I got summoned back into work on Wednesday to meet with a client that really the caretaker should have been able to show about which ate into my time visiting Lolly.
I got told I need to get my priorities right when I complained about both!

Whatever.

I'm looking after two other dogs this week, a beagle and a lurcher. Both have surprised me about how lazy they are (although both slightly porky!) I did worry about if they'd come back to me but they have been very good, although it's hard work looking after three dogs when out and about!

They go home on Tuesday - phew!

Didn't blog. Had it on my mind that I needed to, just well. too lazy!

THis week has been an ok week, I got to work from home Wednesday morning, which was great - bit longer in bed, bit longer walking Dog in morning. Did some housework.
Happy days.
I can't get over how it was so warm this week and yet this weekend it has done nothing but snow -albeit that annoying not really settling snow.
I started applying for new jobs again, I don't really want to but I think its a case of at least now I have a choice, where as if I leave it a few months longer I might not have that choice! I hope not.
I also don't really want to go but needs must.
I saw a great job which ticks all my boxes so spent this weekend applying for that.
As mentioned a couple of weeks back I took M to court. It went as expected. Also interestingly J announced that he had "forgotten" the existence of an isa and now all of a sudden there 60 odd k floating about to be spread between the family!
Moron.

Oh yeah! Great News! TP is nearly finished her radiotherapy and this weekend for the first time we saw L walk when we visited him in the rehab unit. Fantastic news for all concerned!

I tried to ride today, wasn't successful. Idiot horse freaked out at a tractor next door before I got on. I got my finger trapped, its now a little swollen and I can't bend the top of it or put any pressure or grip with it.
TBF I couldn't really bend it anyway - the result of breaking it in a playfight with Welshy when living in Spain and not having hospital or doctors near us who could treat it!
Will give it a day or two to heal - seems a silly thing to go to the doctors about and by the time I get an appointment it'll probably be healed anyway!!

Well we had the predicted snow - although definitely not snowmageddon! Has been deeper in this blogs existence!
Thought it would be a bit of a washout as although bitterly, vilely cold and snowing heavily on Monday morning, it had stopped by time I got bus to Eltham and melted by time I finished at opticians.
Tuesday I hacked V and it was fine, but by the time I was hacking G it was snowing and settling. Got some cute photos of him with snow in his ears and I had a fine layer on me!
Of course by the time I got home, it wasn't about - just 6 miles between us!
Woke up Wednesday to about 5cm or so. Dug out an old plastic planter and headed up to Oxleas for sledging fun! Don't care how old I am, couldn't resist! Had lots of fun.
Thursday and novelty is starting to go, I tried to build a snow castle with snow bricks I made from an old tupperware pot and it worked relatively well until I got too carried away and tried to dye it orange and then it fell down!

Poor birds though, I couldn't get anything to stay up to give them shelter and it was so bitterly cold! Thursday I think was the worst day with windchill of -10 although really only -2.

Started to pick up and although it snowed steadily Friday afternoon, preventing me from riding, it was nearly all gone Saturday and is only currently still remaining in the sheltered places.

It was nice to have the snow although frustrating as it stops you going out and about and I felt like I missed out again on the joy of having a week off of work!

Still not long until I get a few days off on top of the Easter Bank Holidays and I used the time wisely cleaning the house. Brat even wanted to socialise with me and we played a couple of games of monopoly, which is the first time in a couple of years we've hung out since the random invites to the pub ocasionally to play pool.

I feel very tired today strangely and indeed did so yesterday.

Back to the routine tomorrow, sad times but as I said, not long until I have a few days off again, planning a day trip to the New Forest and hopefully will get to see CL as well.

Another standard week here. I booked my hotel for the Hampshire flyball comps, and the outward flight to Grotty out of the insurance money which is pleasing.
Had to get two new front tyres and new jods and trainers which ate into my wages and have an opticians appointment tomorrow.

Snowmaggedon is apparently on the way. Think i'll believe it when I see it although it is bitterly, bitterly cold!

Week off starting tomorrow which is exciting, although I think I'll be hibernating if it does get horrid!!!

Too tired Sunday, no excuses for not doing it yesterday.

Had my appraisal at work. I made a throwaway remark to my boss about being deaf. I do genuinely think there's something in it, I struggle to hear sometimes, sometimes there's a popping or a buzzing in my ear. I think I have tinnitus from a night in a club in San Adrian.
Anyway, she's taking it seriously and putting me down as having a disability! As if the glasses wasn't bad enough! I really should go to the doctors again. Welshy made me go a few years back and although they gave me the all clear there's definitely something there.

I'm off next week. I don't want a hearing aid. I should go, and not put it off.

Was at a competition with the dog on Sunday hence the being too tired to blog, was a good day - our team won and we picked up another first place and two seconds.

I ended up looking after One Night Stand's dog all day. She's as good as gold really - puts mine to shame! He also talked me into taking her back to his.

Been a bit of banter between us the last few days. Anyway Sunday night he told me he was horny and invited me back. I didn't go. I was already at home in my pjs by then and the thought of driving the 20-30 minutes to his place for a quick fuck and then driving back didn't appeal.

Nothing to read into it though - i'm so tempted to take him up on the offer if not for the fear of something getting complicated between us and also - yeah its a lot of hassle for not much reward! Now if dinner was included then I might be even more inclined to join in.

The crazy family are self-imploding again. Uncle I is taking M to court. D is trying to distance himself from it, I and J are saying that M is in cahoots with Mother about the money. That M is trying to cover something up. I dunno. Tempted to go see the whole grotty thing unfold next week, we'll see. Probably more aggro than its worth!!!

Sitting here trying to think of things to tell you about this week.
Insurance finally came though. Of course it came two days after I ran out of money and took out a payday loan. So that's where that is going!

I took the receptionist at work and her daughter to the yard to meet V and have a sit. Perfectly behaved for them. half hour later we're cantering on the spot and bouncing to get away from a wood chipper. Daft mare.

I booked to get new tyres put on the car. My boss and I had to go to Sidcup and she asked me to take my car so "she didn't have to leave her parking spot" I was still on the verge of poverty then and decided to "pretend" that I had forgotten as I really didn't want to waste the petrol, especially after driving to Gatwick and back!
She only made me go home and get my car and then we were late to the meeting! Hahaha!

Dog training today. She is frustrating. Running properly with netting, running out the minute it is removed. I think maybe we have to keep the netting in there and hope she forgets? Although you can't have netting in competitions....

We're at Maidstone next week and I'm dog sitting One Night Stand's Dog - No mince pie incidents there hopefully!

Been a bitter cold week, with a disappointing lack of snow.

Obviously dog not cured as ran out lots today. Sigh.

Insurance is dealing with my claim now so that's something. Fingers crossed it comes back soon. A lovely, lovely lady in the field where I walk Dog gave me £50 for her plight. I felt awful. I hadn't told her my tale of financial woe for that but at same time overwhelmed that she did so.

Mothership and TMWMITW came back Friday night and then flew away Saturday to LA. Its possible that his money/copyright case will be dealt with by time he comes back.
Joked that he could buy me a horse and pay for its upkeep each month. Took it all rather seriously and busted my bubble. Not that I was serious, I'd struggle with time if I had one of my own anyways.

Nothing else really to report back here. its bitter, bitter cold and the forecast is for snow but I bet its a huge disappointment again.

Not too much to report on. Dog got all clear from blood tests. Nearly cried in despair however when she found a raisiny cinnamon roll yesterday and took a bite. How can you take her to the vets for the same thing in not even a week? I self medicated with wine and scraped out the last of the activated charcoal and fed her that.

Sent insurance forms off so now to sit and wait for them.

Day off tomorrow and i'm looking forward to it. I have lots of plans, the dog and I are going for a long walk, I have to take flowers to Nanny and Granddad's grave and pick up mum's travel insurance. I had planned to get a new car tyre but yeah.... stupid dog put paid to that one this month!

She ran really well at training today, very pleased and hoping that she has got over the worry of having another dog run at her, but we'll see how she gets on next week. Too much to hope that she is cured right away but luckily there is two more training sessions before next comp.

Horse is lame but I wasn't really in the mood for a long ride today after training so that suited me to have a short potter around the woods.

Welshy's birthday today and i'm busy overthinking a comment from Lolly. Urgh. Tired of this nonsense.

What a disaster the weekend turned out to be!!!

As mentioned i'd been booked into a hotel for this party. So dog in tow we rock up at the hotel. No record of me, under my name or under the ladies name. Tried to ring her but of course she's already at the party so doesn't hear me calling.

Drive to the venue in the hope that she can speak to them over the phone and get it sorted. Took nearly an hour to find somewhere to park and i'm on the verge of going home out of sheer frustration when I bump into someone I know and they help me get a spot! Go in and find her and she calls the hotel

Turns out she's actually booked it for SEPTEMBER! 

Old people should not be allowed near the internet!! Anyway she and I went back to the hotel and I'm there watching them pay for a new room - 90 quid!! 

Whatever. I vow to buy them some flowers to make up for it.

Party good fun, got to leave Dog in hotel room and I dance and generally have a jolly time. 

Get up next morning and go to the comp in Maidstone with the lady and her dog. We do our morning racing. Win first race, second went a bit astray. It's ok, there's still the afternoon to go and we're in a good position still.

About 12 she goes and takes both dogs for a walk and then about 1 goes to get something out of her bag, turns out she left a packet of mince pies in her car. Turns out Dog likes mince Pies. Turns out mince pies can cause irrepairable kidney damage in dogs.

So she gets rushed into vets, put on a drip, given medicine. I beg money from the Mothership as payday is today and I had 30 quid to my name. So now mum's out of pocket by 241 quid - well 200, paid her some today.

Dog is ok now, but awaiting blood tests to see if there has been any kidney damage. So that's another 100 quid gone. I had a fair few loans being paid off this month so I knew it was going to be tight but fuck me I now have 65 quid until I get paid again.

At least. I know I've filled the car with petrol, I have food for the month, just be replacing things like bread etc.

I can claim insurance back for Dog so that's my next port of call but I wanted to get a new car tyre after the mini explosion a couple of weeks ago so that's a bugger!!!

Trying not to be annoyed as she's genuinely upset about it and it was just one of those things but I really, really could have done without this!!!

Naughty Charbs.
Already one week behind.

In my defence last weekend I spent in Cambridge at a dog show and drove back sunday, rode two horses and was then zonked and had to get ready for work still!

It was an ok weekend. dogs ran mostly well. Had a nice meal with One Night Stand and then hung out watching the scouse FA cup game.

This weekend was a party for one of the people in my dog training team. Cake didn't go to plan twice as I fucked up reading instructions, but all worked out well and they seemed to love it.
Danced a lot, drank a bit and had a great time. One Night Stand was also there, a mutual friend asked when we were gonna do something about the sexual tension between us. I was drunk enough to want to tell her, sober enough to realise that was a no no and there was an internal struggle momentarily before sober Charbs won! Haha. I do love having that as a secret but it'd be nice to share with someone. 100% he's got another girl on the go though, he was getting texts I noticed from someone with emoji hearts in their name and that def won't be a guy! Not fussed. Would have been nice for more, was never on the cards and I've gained a new friend out of it so win win really!!
Hopefully not another 18 month dry spell before I sleep with someone else though

I met up with Flash from early blogging days as well Wednesday just gone which was great!
And of course we have the usual Awful January milestones. I was a bit shocked this year that I was getting the dates muddled in my head. I guess cos they are so close together. 6th 12 years since he died. 9th his birthday.
Last Thursday as well was 4 years since that awful night when Granddad died and convieniently would have been Welshy and I's anniversary. All I have left to get through now is Welshy's birthday and the breaking up day.

Life moves on. I move on. As I told him in my drunken, ranty email, he has no say over my happiness any more. I am mostly happy, just occasionally lonely.

Next weekend I might not get a chance to blog as again I am at a dog show.
Odd night before - I have been adopted by a lovely old couple as a surrogate grandchild - they tell people I need mothering! Anyway, for some reason I got invited to their son (who I've never met!)'s 50th birthday. There's a few other people I know going so its all ok. I was going to drive, not drink obvs and then go home and take the wife to the comp next day.
Except they booked and paid for me to stay in a hotel close by - really lovely of them but wish they hadn't! Its only saving me 20 mins in the morning and now I need to faff about taking dog with me, taking her to the party, leaving the poor sod in the car as I can't leave her in the hotel over night alone!

Haha! It'll be alright I guess!! Maybe....

Rode THREE different horses today, There's no way i'd be able to cope if by some miracle I got more than one horse!
Already in PJ's and Dog snuggled on my lap. Not been invited out anywhere, so why the hell not?

I wrote to him a couple of days ago, a long as is my style overly dramatic email.

I've developed a dry hacking cough. I went to see Lolly in his new home at Blackheath Rehab and had the traditional Xmas drinks with Babbs and L. I went to a dinner party at YO's house with some of the other liveries and played cards against humanity (I won)

So now its time for the end of year review.
My goal was to post at least weekly in this and I mostly did so. 45 posts out of 52 weeks. 2016 wasn't the hardest year I've ever had to deal with but it was the first rough year I dealt with on my own and for that reason I struggled greatly. 2017 has been better, although having looked back I've only managed one of my resolutions

"

1 - I will sit the DELE A2 exam finally. February or April.
2 - I will blog - if not every day, at least once a week.
3 - I will go on at least one foreign holiday by myself.
4 - I will write that story, and see what happens with it."

I did some crazy shit this year, stuff I never thought I'd do. Trying weed for the first and last time, my random adventures with One Night Stand Guy. My epic holiday to Greece.

Yes I've lost Welshy, one of my longest, best, closest friends. TP remains cancer-stricken, having finished chemo she now awaits a date for her lumpectomy. Lolly is learning to walk again and my hopes for both of them is that they get a clean bill of health for 2018.

Flyball went well, lots of new adventures there, plus Muddy Dog, plus the halloween party and summer BBQ, the Xmas meal and bowling. Looking forward to our attempt at entering the championships in the summer and hopefully she'll get her award for 5000, (10k would be nice but perhaps a bit too much to aim for!) We have two comps in Jan and two parties to look forward too as well.

Riding too, more hacking would be nice, we're rapidly regaining the hacking brave pants, although I've kinda lost my mojo with V i'm hoping its just this time of year. It was fun playing with others today.

Hopefully work will sort itself out, I'm still hoping that I might get that new role if the funding comes through and i'm worried about this Quality Control Mark - although that's for 2018 Charby to worry about tomorrow!

Resolutions for next year?

Well I'd like to rack up a new country, I don't think realistically it'll happen though, TP and TJ want to go to Mull, the flyball champs will be expensive and of course there's Mum's wedding, all in July and August....

Speaking of money I'd like to pay off one credit card and make a sizeable dent in the other. I have one loan due to finish December next year and if possible I'd like to pay that off a bit sooner but again we'll see, the credit cards are the main goal really.

I can end 2018 200 pounds a month better off than I am now, although the above may hinder it a bit....

and finally I'd like to end 2018, not on my own. I feel this is the hardest one to achieve. Not sure how to go about it, not even sure what people do in relationships anymore. 

We'll see. So time to say FUCK off to 2017 and a big HELLO to 2018.

So time for my usual morose Xmas post.

Christmas is firmly what you make it, In the words of Elsa from Frozen "Yes I'm alone but I'm alone and Free!"

I don't mind it too much, its just another day really, its when people try to force it upon you that I start to feel miserable about the day. I realised as nice as it is for people to invite me (and i'm genuinely touched that people do) I can't help but feel its not because they want to, but out of pity - out of a sense that no one should be alone at Christmas.
The other thing I realised is that its painful for me to be around happy families. Pain that physically hurts the pit of my stomach. I had that once, I don't have it any more. I don't want it rubbed into my face.
I like my own company.

I've struggled today however. Welshy - fuck it, let's call him by his real name for the first and last time - Ed messaged me last night and I read it first thing this morning.
He's found someone new. He's been with Someone New for over a year now. He thinks its time to
finally say goodbye.

I was talking to a friend about this a couple of weeks back, about how its like another bereavement, except this time I know the person's alive and well.

It hurt. I've fought back tears all day. I wish I could have been the first to move on - can I call the two quick fucks I had with One Night Stand Guy a rebound? Wish I could still call Ed a friend. It's been on the cards all year. Less and less contact from him, suspicion when I saw a post from his mam when she visited.
I mucked out my social media, (he had already deleted me from Facebook), I deleted him from instagram, deleted his phone number, deleted him from twitter, removed his friends and family.


I was as grown up as I could be about it, wished him well, told him i'd always be there if he needed me, but he's finally gone now and it hurts so goddam much but I need to move on with my life.
2016 was hard, hardest year in a while, this has been a better year. I gotta keep on focussing on that. 2018 will be the year of Charby.
My next post will be my year review.

Snow! A mild covering on the ground although the stupid rain has knocked a fair bit out. Expecting it to ice up overnight.
Hoping for more overnight as then we might not be able to open, if it ices really badly, my boss might not make it in from Gatwick and that will be pleasing.
We did our work AGM so two late nights and yesterday was our craft fair and panto, they were really busy and hoping we broke even at least from it.

Yeah I got given a written warning. They said that my workload should be manageable, that I was exagerrating my bosses erraticness and almost bullying behaviour. Whatever. I tried to bring it to their attention. It's been dismissed and they made it quite clear they don't want me there.
The obvious thing would be to move on. I'm sick of job hunting. We've been doing it for the whole of this blog's existance.
I like the benefits of working close to home, I like the decent leave they give us and 90% of the time I like the job.
But what can I do? Keep my mouth shut and put up with it? I think I will get through the project thing and then update my cv and have casual looks every now and then. I'm still hopeful that the big funding bid will work out and I can go for that and make it my own but we'll see.

Other news. I found out a while back that Mum and TMWMITW (def need a better pseudonym than that) are getting married. She told me about it during her visit. His court case again Big World Famous Singer is going ahead. He's expected to make at least 1 mill from it. Of course nothing is going to come my way as I can't show that I can afford to live alone.
BUT!!! By March at the latest, hopefully January - definitely February - I will have paid off one of the Big Loans. I also next month get a decent pay rise cos London Living has gone up - i'm hoping an extra £50 a month but we'll see...
So come March i'll have close to another 200 a month in my pay. Of course I need to pay off two credit cards, an overdraft and another loan still but to have 200 a month to put towards this.... well i'm hoping that i'll have paid off the other loan and at least one of the credit cards come this time next year. So that's good.

Money  though.... I dropped my phone out at the weekend. It got run over. It's going to cost me 170 to get fixed. I currently have 12 pounds until payday on the 22nd. (fingers crossed they do an earlier payrun cos of xmas...)

So annoyed with myself but it was a great night and I reinforced my thoughts that One Night Stand guy has clearly moved on, bit of a shame but to be honest it's a good thing. I'm not really designed for that kinda life and it did feel a bit seedy, although i'm not ashamed of it at all.

Anyhoo I suppose I'd better sort my shit out for next week's fun at work.....

Lol. Looked at my stats again and I'm still getting people visiting me from a post I made at least 13 years ago referring to Tobey Maguire's fishhook scar.
 Hi guys!!!

Looking at stats lately a lot of page visits come from Russia. Instantly my thoughts go to Welshy. It's now two years since I woke up and he suggested we should split up.
I miss him terribly. I miss the friendship and I miss having someone who has my back. I wish I had someone to talk to at home, to vent to, to share my glee at Dog running well, at a good ride. I miss physical contact, holding hands, leaning into someone, hugs.
I know it had reached a natural end but there's still that bit of sorrow that someone who was so important to me for so long has now become a stranger to me and its like another bereavement.

Been a rough week. Faced a disciplinary Friday, Stupid Charbs has spent too long at work using the internet for things other than work and they're trying to twist it and say its why a certain project is behind schedule.
While I hold my hands up and admit to being a bit cheeky about doing things online that really I should do at home, I refuse to take the blame for this project.
Apparently my boss knew the importance of having completed the project by this winter three years ago. I only got sent on the intro course Feb this year, only got the paperwork May, only got online to do it July.
I had three weeks off sick, two weeks holiday. If she knew the importance of this course why didn't she get the log in details when I was off?
I only found out end of October that it needs to be done by end of year and there was such shock I genuinely don't think its not that I've forgotten it, but that I didn't know.
My boss is alright but has moment when she's not approachable, I'd been told various other projects had priority and nothing I do is quick and easy.
I work through my lunch break and the 15 minutes throughout the day (total) that I judged I spent online balanced it out.
I can see why it looks damming, but bloody hell.
They threatened me with the sack, I'm being thrown to the wolves for my boss dropping the ball and not telling me how important it was. Just gotta sit and wait. I'll take whatever punishment they deal out for me being online but I refuse to take the blame for this particular project being behind schedule.

No blog last week. Naughty Charbs.

In my Defence I was at a dog comp on Sunday and by time I got home I just wanted to watch a spot of Blue Planet 2 and go to bed.

was at a comp yesterday too. Plan was to go up Friday and have a decent sleep so I didn't have to drive to cambridge for 7.30. Yeah. Me and One Night Stand drank wine until 3am. I was ruined.

Kinda sad as I wouldn't have minded messing about a bit but it was never suggested. Think that little adventure is over anyway now.

Anyway, was up with 3 hours sleep and struggled manly through the day. It was a really long day, I think i'd have been tired even without the drinking - Morning races didn't stop until 3pm! (all the threes Saturday... very odd!) Anyhoo it was 9.40 by the time I got home and really driving was a bit fraught as I was so tired. 

I think I'll book to stay saturday night when we go up again in Jan, even if there's no late night the day before it was a bit worrying like I said driving back.

No blog last week - went to a halloween party in Whitstable. Really good night. Slaved for ages making a lovely cake.

This week has been full on - I ended up being investigated for too much internet use. My boss is trying to use this as a reason to blame me for not doing this quality award mark thing I'm supposed to be aiming for, but thing is. She knew about needing this award for funding for three years, I got sent on an introduction afternoon in February. It was June when I got the book, a lot of it I don't really understand as she deemed the three day course to learn how to do it properly unnecessary.
A lot of what I need is confidential and she doesn't want me to have access to it which is fair enough.
Anyway. I'd cracked on and then put it down mid July to plan Fun Day 2017.
Problem is I then had three weeks off cos of busted leg. She then was away the first week I was back and then spent the next two weeks stressing about a buisness plan.
I was off two weeks in Greece and suddenly its now the start of November and I'm told that if we're not qualified by year end we lose 18k's worth of funding.

Gee thanks.

So bit of a panic trying to get it done.

Been riding, been to see Lolly. Oh I'm so proud of him and he's doing so well. Last week he had no voluntary movement of his leg. This week he showed us that he can bring his knee to his chest and was quietly pleased to announce he had been walking.

Still no arm movement and he's not entirely sure where the portion of his skull that they removed is (could be in his stomach, could be at Kings College, could be in Edinburgh) and he's not sure how they will treat his tumour but he is doing so, so well and I'm in awe.

TP is cracking on well with her cancer treatment - one more to go! She still has no idea where the flowers are from and is waiting to hear what her next steps are. It's all positive for her too :)

Greece was lovely, all my fears about travelling alone unfounded. Given huge confidence boost about doing it again.
Met usual amount of oddballs and got into odd situations - how many people can get locked into a bank, meet people who firmly believe in David Icke and watch "The Voice" with Greek Grandparents who don't speak any English?
Athens was fairly rough looking everywhere I went, not like Rome where you're just falling over old shit, there it seemed to be more located in one part of it.
Andros - arrived too late in the end to do anything - apart watch telly with the grandparents!
Mykonos, pretty and fun loving.
Santorini - drop dead beautiful at sunset. It had been a plan of Welshy and mine's to go for ages and i'm glad I went.

Now to live carefully a few months and resort out the finances.

Going to a party in Whitstable this weekend, and do have another dog show in wood green to sort out.

My lollypopkin is still very poorly in hospital. I mentioned last post that they were doing tests to investigate his stomach pain. I'm told they found a tumour and removed part of his bowel along with the growth. Fucking Cancer. Will go see him tomorrow.


Suddenly remembered TP and her own cancer battle and diverted to the flower website. I've been sending her secret flowers every month, she doesn't know they're from me! But I hope its giving her something cheery to think about and it makes me feel better as I can't be there as much as I'd like to help her out.

Reeling.

Am meant to fly out to Greece in a few hours. Not organised at all. Gonna run out of funds before its over.

My Lolly had a stroke last Saturday. One of my old NMM friends, the guy I went to Rome with earlier this year. I had a message on Wednesday from G another mutual friend, he had a message from an unknown number saying that Lolly was in the hospital in intensive care.
Tried to text Lolly, no answer, suddenly remembered that he'd not contacted me after I wished him happy birthday which is most unlike him.
Messaged a few friends, just casual. "hey have you seen Lolly, he's ignoring me!"
Found out in intensive care after a suspected stroke. Not expected to make it. No one knew where he was and no one had run around to find out.
I rang the QE, tried QM and then remembered that they don't have A and E, told another friend that it was a suspected stroke. He suggested the Kings College as they have specialist care there for stroke victims.
Rang through, such a drama as I couldn't remember his birthday or address but we got there. I rang back after work to check permission had been given to visit.

He was awful. Huge swollen closed eye, half his head shaved, other half hair sticky with sweat, hooked up to all the beepy machines and drips you see in movies. I was prepared for bad but that was awful. G held it together until we left before he broke down. I rang around everyone I could think of. No he doesn't want visitors to see him like this. Yes he was talking ok, but drowsy.
We went back the next day. Pretty similar. We didn't stay long as he's clearly very tired.

Went back up Saturday as paragliding was cancelled yet again. Moved out of critical care ward. Met his Mum for the first time! He's short and quiet, we were probably overwhelming him, mocking the hospital food that he was trying to eat.
He cannot yet move one side of his body but his eye was open and he looked less swollen. I'm still not sure of timeframe, but the latest one is that he was ill Friday (his birthday) got out of bed, fell. possibly had a stroke as he fell. They thought anaemia first of all. Went to one hospital, then another. Then ended up in Kings. Had another seizure/stroke there Saturday night.
The pressure on his skull was growing. They operated Tuesday to remove part of his skull to help combat this.

Now he's dry heaving constantly, vomiting. They're doing  CAT scans and endoscopies to see what the cause is.

Heartbroken for him. He's like a brother to me as they all are. Just holding on to all the improvements I saw in 4 days and hoping that in 2 weeks he will be alright.

In the end it went right down to Monday Morning for the Physio to give me the all clear.
I was under strict instructions not to run ANY of it, to use common sense about what obstacles to tackle and what ones to avoid and be tactical and rest at each stop.

Mrs Spaniel also was instructed not to pull me over (she ignored this - twice). and to take it easy as she has lost a bit of fitness as we've not been able to go out and about as normal.

It was incredibly muddy!! Some of the challenges the mud was up to my waist and dogs were given to the volunteers for their own safety.

My cunning plan of putting my contacts in, failed when I reached the venue and realised that - yes I did still have my glasses on. I weighed up the options of losing them/breaking them/adding blindness to my list of injuries and blindness won out.

This had the the added problem of not really being able to see where was safe to put my feet. My team mates were awesome and kept pace with me and another friend who suffers from back problems all the way around.

Mrs Spaniel (now that I have recovered from the pulling me over incidents) has been getting a lot of praise today - and allowed to sleep on the bed last night! She was an absolute star!
She did get a bit of separation anxiety when left with the stewards and fretted (noisily) about my safety as I attempted challenges.

Two challenges she was clearly quite frightened of. 
This tunnel was quite long, dark and pretty deep for a Spaniel (it wasn't that bad all the way through, just at the exit!) I asked her if she wanted to come, she considered it and then decided it was too much for her. She hovered at the end of the tunnel whining at me as I started to crawl through and I said to the steward to let her go as she would follow my teammates and their dogs. 
I'm told that she started to do this, then hesitated again, headed back to the tunnel start. Took a deep breath and tentatively followed me.

For the other again she was offered the opportunity to come into the large inflatable pool and go over the trampolines, into the water and back out again but once she saw the water she changed her mind. Again I handed her to the steward and started to scramble over.
I'm guessing she must have fretted, pulled and then the steward at the other end who was helping me out asked if that was my dog.

She'd got herself so far and then courage let her down and she was unable to get down and out the other end - naturally I carried her over and out and another big cuddle and lots of praise. 

Lots of love for my little dog. She had a whale of a time with her dog friends, getting lots of pats and cuddles from the stewards and a long exciting walk. Tail wagging all the way around. She's not the bravest dog in the world so to see her attempt everything, even if she just didnt want to be separated from me is really touching!

She's been absolutely shattered since. I've still got mud on me, I'm bruised, mystery scrapes all over my boobs, nettle stings up my arms and feeling very stiff and sore today but I'm so glad we did it. Very well organised with lots of water for dogs and people to support us all the way through with poo bag handovers, looking after dogs and taking photos. 

Now one week to go until my holiday that I cant really afford!

My week back at work has gone ok. The first day back - God it hurt! I did wonder if i'd been back a bit early but the rest of the week has been ok.

Physio again tomorrow and i'm hoping they tell me i'm ok for the muddy dog challenge and the holiday.

I did try to ride today. I can only manage a short burst as I can feel it pulling on my hamstring but good news! I did have a little movement in my ankle and knee to do things.

Its been a full on weekend for myu poor leg in all fairness. I attempted the 4 miles of Lullingstone which we normally do in an hour and a half at our slowest. This took us over two hours and I was pretty ruined by the end but at least we got around which is all good news for the sponsered walk!

Training with the dog as well as riding and I was so knackered! out of the house from 8.30-2.30.

Made some cakes and really just spent the day mooching. It was nice to get ourselves back to something like our normal routine at last.

Now i've just booked the hotel for my stay in Santorini and the ferries I need. All that's left is to book the hotel back in Athens and the ferry back there but I'm losing the will to live looking for hotels so we'll try that tomorrow.

Felt a bit lonely this weekend. I kinda wonder how it'd be if I was the one to make the move on One Night Stand guy. Would that make my loneliness worse driving back from Gravesend after that quick fuck? Probably. The whole casual sex thing I can do and that's fine but what I really want is what most people want really and that's companionship.

I didn't blog last week as I didn't really do much. I got to see a Physio though! Given lots of exercises and there's been some improvement in a week alone!
Was signed off for the week and mostly spent it sat at home. Mother came back Friday and we went to Bromley
Anyway One Night Stand guy got in touch and yeah I ended up having quick sex at his before I went to a dog comp on Saturday. While I appreciate him letting me know its purely sex I'd prefer it if he didn't drum it in repeatedly that he doesn't want to date me and it was a casual thing.
Is it wrong to say I'm using him like he is using me? We kinda did the casual thing once a long time ago (remember BB?) and it did kinda end tits up but I'm a different person than I was all those years back.
And the main key to sanity is remembering to not over think it and play it for what it is/was. It might happen again. It may not. Either way it was an experience!

Been so utterly, utterly fed up over the last week.

My leg is ruined. It goes from buckling on me to being reasonable. I went and got it checked out on Tuesday and they don't/can't see anythnig really wrong with it but have referred me to physio.
I wasn't to ride, or walk or really do anything on this week off from work. Which ruined all my plans.
I got the car MOT'ed which cost me 70 quid which did put me into a bad mood until I realised that they had cleaned it for me. The local car cleaners here refuse to do it and I drive to Bromley and it costs me about 40 quid to be done properly, seeing as I had that as my plan before it went in on Wednesday I consider that I am the real winner and it only cost me 30 quid (doesn't seem that bad really!)

I was going to see CL who is now on child 2!! as her and UDOBF (was that his full acronym? I can't remember now and i'm too lazy to check) were in Windsor except child no1 apparently vomited and ruined their car on Thursday. I had already set off by then so we went to Bluewater instead and I bought myself a lime green bikini for my holiday for a bargain 15 pounds!
Of course these two days of activity ruined my leg for Friday and quite honestly knackered me so I've had a lot of naps.

Dog and I were at a comp over the bank holiday and I had to get someone else to run her but we did get two 3rd places which is awesome.

I've booked some hotels for my holiday which is now 1 month and 5 days away and have already blown this months pay packet... ~I get paid in 19 days. Eeeep.

So fed up of this nagging ache in my leg, stressed about what i'll come into on Monday (although luckily there's only a week until she's away on her holiday for two weeks (and then two weeks till mine!!)

So frustrated as I feel i've achieved nothing with this week off. Resting it hasn't even helped fix my leg! I currently have so much supportive tape on it!

Well I've officially fucked my leg. Did too much on Monday. Saturday was our fun day and was on my feet all day then. Had to bounce down the stairs on my arse sunday as leg didn't want to bend.
Hamstring now. Sigh.

I just realised I'm being fucking ghosted or whatever the kids call it nowadays.
I sent him a funny story about how someone from one of his favourite bands got left behind at a supermarket.
Nothing.

I dont harass him all the time. Fuck no. I sent him a message two weeks ago saying that I missed being friends. Nothing. I get that. That's ok. He knew I was drunk, perhaps he thought it best.
A message a week before that, he replied briefly. He had messaged me the day before. And then the week before that.
We're friends and I get that. I wish we could be best friends still and I get why we can't. But how can you just stop talking to someone you spoke to everyday for 10 years?

We speak briefly perhaps weekly in the year or so its been. He has friends he speaks to on a daily basis what with What's App and FB messenger and that.

Well I've had it made abundantly clear what with the lack of birthday greetings. Fuck you Welshy. Fuck you and it hurts more than I thought it would. This is what I was terrified off when he left me in Russia. This is what I've been preparing for, for the last year.

Reasonable day out.
Not so reasonable return journey when train got diverted and train driver didn't let anyone know so ended up in Sidcup when I could have got off the train and still got the 89 at Lewisham.

Annoyed. Walked Dog. Stole money from Brat to treat myself to Chinese - I figure its ok as I do all his cleaning for him and generally keep the house in a reasonable condition.

Tried a run. Bit of a fail as really have over done it with the leg today. Still managed a 2k in 20 minutes. Hoping I can do it in a bit better time on Wednesday when my leg is a bit more rested.

Is it wrong that I'm a little upset that One Night Stand Guy messaged me to wish me happy birthday but my ex of ten years hasn't?
Isn't that the way its supposed to go? Or as its still supposed to be friendly between us you wish someone happy birthday? Don't know. Too confusing. Definitely a little pissed off and upset about it though!

Damaged my leg again running. Bollocks.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I booked the day off of work but now I kinda wish I was going in. Hit by bad case of the mopes.

I'm lonely. I realised that a long time ago. Long before that One Night thing in May. It's not so much sex I miss but its having someone having my back, someone to talk to after work and someone I can whinge and moan to when I've had a bad day and someone I can tell the silly little adventures I have.

I don't want to be single this time next year. I don't know really how people go out and meet people these days.
Even a friend with benefits situation would be better than this. That's not going to happen with any guy I know. Not with One Night Stand Guy.

I fear two of my male friends are crushing. I don't want this. Don't want them. Lolly is coming with me tomorrow on my day out. Is it wrong that I don't really want anyone around? That I don't want him there on my birthday? It makes a mockery out of everything I have just written above there.

Maybe I'm reading too much into situations that ain't there. Maybe I should just be glad of the company. Maybe he doesn't think like that. God I hope not.

Welshy is in Morocco. Then he will go back to Russia. I miss him. I miss our friendship more than I miss him as my partner. I drunk messaged him telling him as much. He never bothered to reply.

He is a stranger to me now and I spent most of that week in Russia crying as I didn't want that to happen but now it has. Alone and its so much harder to deal with than it was ten years previously when I had no idea of how to live differently. I think really that has caused a large part of my mopes not just the usual birthday depression. He has moved on and is happy again. I'm what? Stagnating? No. Last year was stagnating. Not going out. Isolating myself from my friends. This year I am a fucking social butterfly compared to that. Treading water? What am I doing with my life apart from still living in a place I hate, caring for people who always expect me to look after them but never realising I need help too.

I will not be single this time next year I repeat fiercely. But who am I kidding really?

Tired again.

Been a crazy week at work. Someone had a stroke! Never seen anyone so ill looking in my life! Thank God I remembered the GP was in upstairs.
Started training for our muddy dog run in September. I thought I was reasonably fit. I am not. I need to be able to run 5k. I can barely run 1k.

Last night we had a grand reunion of NMM staff. Not as many people came as I hoped but some of the old school lot that started with me did and it was good to replay that summer of 07 when I seemed to spend every weekend in the pub.

Got home at 3am and then up at 8 to go dog training. I should have done the horse too. I feel really guilty that I blew her off although its not so much of a drama now she's on full livery and I don't need to do mucking out.

Instead I went to lunch with some of the boys I used to go drinking with and then we hung out in the park. I feel so tired and definitely had a bit of a hangover this morning! Great night though. Gotta try and be careful now as its still a few weeks until payday and although bizarrely I have money still this month and I've brought all kinds of things it won't last the entire month and I do want to go see some museum exhibits on my birthday.

This week I definitely dont have much to talk about. The fear of wearing the dress has been removed as not enough people wanted to do the Russian evening.
I am a little disappointed in this - not the dress wearing side of things but it did sound epic fun.

instead there's talk of a murder mystery party at Port Lympe animal park in October which again would be loads of fun but i'd either have to come back afterwards or spend about a billion pounds on accommodation in their little hotel.

I dont really wanna go home as that means not drinking but neither do I have a billion pounds for accommodation!

I've made a huge fuck up and not actually ordered two of the attractions for this years fun day at work. Looking forward to the fall out from that tomorrow......

Been very tired today and not looking forward to going out bat hunting later. I just want a nap! Putting some of this down to working overtime yesterday although I was home by midnight and asleep by half past I guess!

Not too much to report on this week, been business as usual.
I realised not only am I down to £500 left to pay on the credit card due to the cock up, I also should have paid off one of the loans by March next year. Maybe sooner as the interest is also going down as I pay it off. So I'm predicting March, but may well be February (too much to hope for that it's January) and when that's done that'll be an extra £144 I'll save a month, so of course that will either go on clearing the original credit card if not already cleared or on the 2nd loan, although I only pay a piddly £40 a month on that, but sooner that's gone then yay! an extra £180 quid a month!
It's frustrating alright, but I needed the loans at the time so I can't think badly of them but will be very much more exciting when I have that spare money.

I booked the Athens part of my holiday with some overtime money that I got this month, and i'm hoping to do at least two of the hotels needed for island hopping in August and then it's just September to go and then i'm there in October!

Dog was promoted to a faster team yesterday for a competition. She ran really well and they were unlucky to finish 5th I thought, but double her normal amount of points to go towards her next award!

May well be promoted again for the next competition in August so if so then we'll definitely get the award in September. She's having a nice doze on the sofa next to me now.

Mum is getting 10k as a payout from my Great-Uncle dying and it will be interesting to see if any of that comes my way. After being broken-hearted that she only gave me 1k out of the preliminary 86,000 she was given for Nan and Granddad dying I'm not getting hopes up, but another 1k would remove the stupid Original Credit card debit and pay off the holiday.

The flyball team are thinking of having a russian themed (?) night out for Xmas (Can't believe thinking about that already in July) Sounds ace, with casino and disco and dodgems. Downside is that  believe its formalwear and *gulp* that may mean a dress.....

work has been a bit shit but bearable, looking forward to my time off in August.

Ha. A minute ago I thought i'd have nothing to write about but actually I do!

Too tired to do it last week so apologies.
Once again we had a flyball comp in Peterborough. The team ran really well and we were unlucky not to finish in 1st place but 2nd is pretty good as once again we were seeded 6th.
Took ages to get home - I dropped one of my teammates off home and it was 10.30 by the time we got back.

Monday I was walking the dog in the field where we normally go and I got taken out by another dog. I ended up going to the hospital Wednesday and it turns out I have damaged the ligament that runs along a knee and the tendon above my ankle.
Been hobbling ever since. I had a funny side effect to the painkillers the hospital gave me on Friday. Got really dopey and hysterical.
I spent most of yesterday watching the cricket and dozing, made it hard to sleep annoyingly.

Did flyball training today and my leg is achy but not as bad as feared so hopefully we're getting better!

Just checking in before I head to bed. This week work wise has been ok. Had to go in yesterday to run a bar. My boss royally cocked it up though and I'm wondering tomorrow how she might make it my fault. Not good when I find out I need to try and get Monday off so I can drive back from Peterborough as dog is racing Sunday.

Went to quiz as usual on Thursday - I had my 98 Playoff final shirt on as just been to keep fit, ended up at the end talking to two lads who were very excited about discovering I was a Charlton fan.
My friend Lolly who I was with however, was lurking unsure if he was needed to step in if I didn't want to be talking to them and also as I'd promised him a lift home.
Shame as it then stopped it developing any further.

Went out with him and some other NMM peoples on Friday evening as one of my friends is retiring. Somehow this week I've been charged with organising a 10 year reunion.

Just got back from a flyball comp, we were seeded last in our section but all dogs ran fantastically and we got third place.

Now trying to motivate myself to do my spic homework and waiting for the dryer to finish so I can go to bed.

Been a bit of an up and down week at work.

I tried to do a balance transfer on a new credit card and royally fucked it up. Sigh.

Last night I started to organise all of Welshy's things in preparation for him coming to collect them today. Only 18 months after we split!
Was feeling restless and mopey and that didn't help. Drank some wine and thought fuck it. Booked myself flights to Athens in October.

Such an idiot! I was struggling to find money to buy toothpaste today for Gods sake! Took the horse hacking today with another lady from the yard. We were out for hours! She was so good as well!

Had hoped to catch up with Welshy but he came while I was out and took his stuff and left. I don't blame him for this although I'm hugely disappointed. His brother had driven from Wales specially for it and as we discovered last week, its a hellish thing to do.

Its so hot out there today!

I drove to see TP and TJ, poor TP. The growth has doubled since diagnosis three weeks ago and they're rushing forward with chemo.

She's being so brave bless her but is also so worried about it. I hope I managed to distract her slightly.

Also got chance for quick catch up with H2 which was great but again I wish I could have stayed longer.

I really don't know how Dad managed to do it in the same day. Went up Thursday and drove back Friday and it nearly killed me!


Supposed to have been paragliding yesterday but spent most of 4 hours sat in a field waiting for wind to pick up, gave up at 5pm and went home.

I'm going to see my friend Babbs in a bit for a quick pint as that's what hot Sunday's are made for!

Discussed it a bit more with One Night Stand guy - will need to give him a better nickname if he sticks about.
He'd clearly be up for more casual nothingness. I'm not. Different if anything would come from it but its not gonna happen. Although I kinda feel like i'm cutting my nose off to spite my face, I know that I'd end up getting feelings. (Hell they're kinda there already. -can't be honest here, where can I be?) and then end up getting hurt. Didn't that happen (minus the sex) with BB all them years back?

So we're back mocking each other and acting like nothing has happened. Kinda odd lol. Least I've made a new friend out of it!

TP has been given the sentence of 6 months chemo and then an op. I feel so helpless, they're so far away. 164 miles away to be exact.

I'm going to drive up there with the dog Thursday. Spend the evening with them. Drive home Friday. This is the longest drive - bar the weekend I spent at Welshy's I'll have ever done. (205 miles) at least that I drove up Thursday, drove home Sunday. Bit more of a gap.

Not looking forward to it, looking forward to seeing them. Looking forward to the surprise. Wish it could be longer but need to do the horse and *gulp* potential paragliding Saturday.

Did I tell you about the paragliding? Yeah. Was supposed to do it over the bank holiday. Not enough wind so it was cancelled and I had a one night stand instead.

Seriously guys. That paragraph above. What the flying fuck is going on in my life?
This is such a year of adventure compared to last years broken nothingness. Not even sure i'm any better off money wise but still... ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE!

I tried to engage him in conversation twice this week and failed.
Hung out as normal at flyball, it was kinda obvious it was a one night thing but being the idiot I am I had to push it, had to ask him. Said he hand't thought about it all that much since.
Left it at that. At least I know. Still no regrets though, although I think I would have liked to have developed it a bit more. I doubt that'll happen now. Feel a bit cut up about that. So much better to be a blow up doll or a man - less feelings involved.

Busy day today, did horse, washed bedding, cut some of the grass, weeded roses, cleaned house. walked dog AND fitted in two naps!

TP finds out tomorrow what her options are. Will have to remind myself to text her and find out.