Monday, December 25, 2017

So time for my usual morose Xmas post.

Christmas is firmly what you make it, In the words of Elsa from Frozen "Yes I'm alone but I'm alone and Free!"

I don't mind it too much, its just another day really, its when people try to force it upon you that I start to feel miserable about the day. I realised as nice as it is for people to invite me (and i'm genuinely touched that people do) I can't help but feel its not because they want to, but out of pity - out of a sense that no one should be alone at Christmas.
The other thing I realised is that its painful for me to be around happy families. Pain that physically hurts the pit of my stomach. I had that once, I don't have it any more. I don't want it rubbed into my face.
I like my own company.

I've struggled today however. Welshy - fuck it, let's call him by his real name for the first and last time - Ed messaged me last night and I read it first thing this morning.
He's found someone new. He's been with Someone New for over a year now. He thinks its time to
finally say goodbye.

I was talking to a friend about this a couple of weeks back, about how its like another bereavement, except this time I know the person's alive and well.

It hurt. I've fought back tears all day. I wish I could have been the first to move on - can I call the two quick fucks I had with One Night Stand Guy a rebound? Wish I could still call Ed a friend. It's been on the cards all year. Less and less contact from him, suspicion when I saw a post from his mam when she visited.
I mucked out my social media, (he had already deleted me from Facebook), I deleted him from instagram, deleted his phone number, deleted him from twitter, removed his friends and family.

I was as grown up as I could be about it, wished him well, told him i'd always be there if he needed me, but he's finally gone now and it hurts so goddam much but I need to move on with my life.
2016 was hard, hardest year in a while, this has been a better year. I gotta keep on focussing on that. 2018 will be the year of Charby.
My next post will be my year review.

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