Oh God. Help me make sense of this situation!

So, we all know I have a lot of male friends. And we're talking about my football boys in this tale, the ones that I went to Charlton with, the ones I now meet up with for the internationals.

Anyway. One of them J. split from his long term girlfriend earlier this year. I didn't know or see any of them really this year until the World Cup kicked off, during the brief few weeks of the Group Stages and the Quarter Final, he added me on What's app and was a lot more chatty than normal, my thoughts were gentle flirting but also:

A - We've known each other at least 11 years, so that couldn't be the case
B - I'd either been with Welshy or he'd been with his ex during all this time, so this was the first time we've both been single and perhaps he was just this friendly and hadn't considered it appropriate before?

But a nagging feeling in my head told me this was different and I wasn't/ am still not sure about how I felt about it all. 

Last night he invited me to his local to watch the Leicester/Liverpool game (moment of silence pitying Wout Faes who scored two own goals for Leicester condemning them to a 2-1 defeat).

I asked him why I was here and none of the others and "its to get to know each other better", I chose to take it at face value. Closing time and we've both drunk heavily and he invited me back to his and honestly if your alarm bells are ringing at this, then shame on me, who had a moment of "yeah right." And then got swayed by the idea of more drink and reminding myself that he was a long term friend and I was being paranoid.

And there was definite flirting from him, looking back, that I didn't pick up on or deliberately ignored, BECAUSE HE'S MY GODDAMN FRIEND AND WE'RE MATES ALRIGHT?! The casual touching of me, the throwaway comment he made when I said that I liked cuddly men, and that's why I liked Chris Pratt better than any of the other MCU men because he didn't look like he wouldn't snap me, liked drinking and would be fun. 
He went to the loo and I casually looked through my Facebook memories and posted a picture of my Flyball Adoped Grandmother who died of Covid. He did the same casual scrolling (shit, how bad is it that people automatically pick up their phones now to avoid using their brains or sitting peacefully in their own thoughts for a bit?) when I went to get more drink.

And he asked me about her, when I returned so I told them how wonderful she was and how I'd take her home from comps and how lonely her husband is without her and how I don't pop over to see him as much as I should, but I do so every couple of months and how I went to breakfast with him a couple of weeks back.

"God. You're such a good person. Most people just do the talk, but you do the actions, what with that and the strikers" I protested that it was just what people did and he was making more out of it as its nothing that any decent person would do.

"its shit like that, that makes me want to kiss you."

I bolted for the safety of the loo to remove myself from this awkward conversation and I came back and he was now moved from his seat to sit next to me. I said I needed to book a cab and he said I could stay, that I could sleep in his bed and he'd be on the sofa. and I know I have no willpower, although I know him well enough to know that he would leave that completely to be my decision and I knew what would be mine and HE'S MY FRIEND AND I DONT WANT TO RUIN THAT! So I said that we both knew I wouldn't spend the entire night alone and getting a cab was best. So we did that and he put his arm around me and then we're kissing and Christ almighty he wasn't a good kisser and I'm kissing maybe not one of my best friends but someone I'm very fond of, if G and Lolly were like brothers, he's probably in cousin territory and WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING CHARBY?

He re iterated that I could stay and it would be ok and platonic but I'm so fucking weak willed, I know I wouldn't have left it there and then that could add to this fuck up and I said I didn't want to be his rebound girl or worse someone they joked about in their group chat and he said that, it wasn't like that and he'd already worked the rebounds out of his system.

And the cab came and I went home and he asked me to let him know I got home and I did and I apologised, bantering, about making him miss out on sex and he replied with "I wasn't trying to line you up for a one time fuck, think in time you'll see that. But as long as you're comfortable. We've been honest all night and I'm being that now."

And now its twenty four hours later and i'm still so goddamn confused about the whole situation.

I can't see how you can go from that length of friendship to "yeah I wanna see you naked" And i've NEVER, EVER thought that about ANY of my male friends, from the boys I knocked about with in school, to my uni mates who i'd pass out with in the same bed, to the guys I've worked with, and I've always thought the same about these, thinking the same. So because I can't see how this is possible, I'm jumping to the rebound/FWB thing and i'm not going to be his rebound girl and i'm not going down the FWB route again. I dont want to be treated like an object and I'm kinda hurt that I was.

And then I'm finding excuses to message him, to chat with him and I said to him bluntly last night that I would be more interested, if there wasn't the length of friendship we had as I didn't understand how you can change your opinion like that. And I'm second guessing myself, because I'm so goddamn lonely and its nice to be flirted with and he's safe and seen me throwing up drunk, rocking up to football with straw in my hair, fishing hay out my bra in the loo and stinking of horse shit and sweat so what if I suddenly think that I have feelings for him that I really dont? But what if I do? And the whole thing is a bloody mess and i've suddenly remembered we impulsively bought theatre tickets earlier in the night and ordinarily I wouldn't think twice about this, I've done it before, or gone out for a meal with one or another of them, or to the cinema, or to the pub or even on fucking holiday but now the game has changed and I don't know what I want and I don't know what he wants and this is all a huge cunting mess. 

  

 So Happy Christmas!

I finished work on the 20th and have been doing epic walks with the dogs. Christmas I was alone as usual, so we went to the coast and I walked the 10 mile round trip from Herne Bay to Whitstable and back along the sea front. Got rained on a few times, not heavily but enough to get wet and watched some insane people go for a Xmas dip.

Christmas has become a bit easier in the last year or so, I used to really struggle to get through it with the constant barrage of "happy family" stuff and knowing mine was different but definitely the last two years have been easier.

God - my CEO drove over with a present for me and an invite to spend Christmas Day with her on Sunday. It was amazingly kind of her but she is the sort of person to try and show off what she has - intentionally, or unintentionally I dont know, but the thought was really nice.

I've been busy with the dogs - oh hahaha. The ambulance station up the road went on strike so I bought them cookies and that to support! 

Today I went to E and P's sister's for Boxing day as they are also insistent about me spending the time alone. I've obviously known them since schooldays and all their family so it was nice, a bit awkward when they were all doing presents but they had a few for me, so again it was very appreciated! 

 Final post on the E2.0 debacle. Guess who was driving home through Longfield Sunday Morning and spotted him walking out of another womans house with her?

Benefit of doubt, she resembled his description of his sister, although I don't remember where she lives, but we're not in mood to be nice!

Unfortunately couldn't stop, but deffo him and I'm pretty sure he'd have recognised the car!

Other news WC fever is in full swing and cocktails aplenty being drunk with the boys! 

 Is it really, really bad that I keep vaguely thinking of meeting up with BB for rebound sex? I feel so down and fed up with it all and he always knows the right things to say - albeit crudely and in a cringemaking way. To know that he's spent 20 years still thinking about those strange nights where I'd come to him crying and drunk and he'd hold me and teach me how to give blowjobs and try in his own strange way to comfort me, that he still thinks about that quick pitstop I made at his last June. 

In some ways I know its all noise to make me do what he wants, and in other ways I know him and I know somehow I'm like his fantasy girl and its not just him saying what he thinks I want to hear.

I want someone to make me feel loved again, I want someone to feel close too. I am glad perversely that E2.0 fucked off before I fell properly for him, but shit I did get attached and the thought of being alone again isn't much fun, nor is the idea of getting back on the online dating merry-go-round.

I just wish there was a reason behind this, meeting another girl, whatever, just so I could draw a line as I still feel vaguely like there will be a reason, that all will be explained. Its nearly three weeks. I need to grow up and maybe rebound sex is the way forward. He knows i'd be using him for that. He's happy to take whatever crumbs I throw at him. Thats not fair on him either though. 

 In a new low, even for me, I did go around Wednesday night after Dog School. He wasn't in. No car on drive, so I swung it around and headed home. I brooded all day yesterday, fucked off agility training and went there again. Car was there but no lights on. I knocked, just in case.

No answer. I sat in my car for an hour  (why, Charbs, why?) and then gave up and went home. Not proud as his Ring doorbell would tell him that, whereever he was.

Its not about wanting my gin back anymore. Its about not wanting to have yet another person treat me like shit...

And on a semi-related note, the Mothership came into land last night and I had to collect her at 2.30 this morning.

Yay me. 

 Oh my! I've been ghosted!

So things were going well enough with E2.0. Sex was a bit paint by numbers, but it was ok. He was kind, generous with his time and money, whispered the L word occasionally, was affectionate in private and in public, holding my hand, little head kisses etc. Met the dogs a couple of times, expressed an interest in coming to see them compete.

But cons were that he was a bit rubbish about replying - he always did reply, but a couple of hours later. I found it annoying but no big deal, he was after all a lot busier at work than me and then would go to the gym straight from work.

I longed for more adventures rather than just watching netflix but I'm still not in a financial position for adventures so accepted it.

I went around Friday 28th and no sign of any change in him, he said he'd see me later when I left Saturday. I got annoyed as he was being poor at replying and left it to him to get in touch.

Tuesday he sent me a generic "how's your day" text, I replied, we had a bit of banter. Nothing after that. Friday I was super pissed and sent him a "we need a chat" text, because we needed to discuss his aforementioned cons and why he hadn't replied to me lately, it had been 4 months and perhaps time to meet friends etc? I didnt mention any of the topics and I didnt get a reply until Friday evening, when he suggested Sunday.

I was super miffed at this, replied along the lines, that if he had other priorities that was fine, but I didnt really want to spend my weekend stressing.

He ignored me.

Sunday Morning I texted him to ask what time he wanted to meet - no response - I sent him a further message in the evening telling him he was being incredibly childish and hurtful after such a time to ghost me.

He ignored me.

So Monday morning I messaged him, saying that I didnt know what had changed but thanking him for the fun four months and to please drop my gin off next time he was working locally.

No reply.

I had almost convinced myself that perhaps some trauma had befallen him and I should at least do a drive by to check that he was ok and at home, even if I didn't stop when in the evening I noticed he was online Whats App.

So I guess i've been ghosted?

Its Wednesday now and I'm so pissed about the whole thing, I'm so tempted to drive there tonight and get my gin and an apology and the only thing stopping me is that I'm not a bloody child like he apparently is. 
Very tempting though......  

 The Funeral was Monday - I watched the service at Westminster and then met E2.0 with the dogs at Lullingstone. Amazing the ceremony and how it all worked out, I didn't think it right to televise any more than that. She might have been a Queen but she was still human and her poor family must have been through more than enough and deserved some privacy.
I caught highlights of the Windsor, of course I did because how could you not? Emma her Fell, the corgis, the putting away of the jewels, the piper and breaking of the rod. All so poignant and a couple of times I did have a wobbly bottom lip.

Once again I find myself thinking of the Charby from nearly twenty years ago, sitting in her university bedroom and starting to idly overshare her thoughts on this and how I fantasised about how one day this might be like Pepys diary.

Except as times and I have changed, I no longer keep this up to the same level I did back then - and some of those posts make me cringe! But here I am, making occasional posts about pandemics and wars and lockdowns and twittering random updates about my life - when now I have social media to overshare on.

But this is a diversion. The Queen is dead. I've never understood people who grieve for celebrities and people they've never met. Why? I'm not a huge Royal supporter, apart from admiring her work ethic and sense of duty and love of animals and appreciating the big draw they are for tourists and bringing money into the country.
Never watched any of the Royal Weddings. Openly mocked those who went OTT for Diana's death. 

But last night, today. I understood. Our internet had failed so we were sent home from work early so it wasn't until I got in at half three and saw that the Royal Family had been summoned to Balmoral, that I started to fear the worst. 
I hope that they got the chance to say goodbye. I hope it was a peaceful passing. I'm glad she was in Balmoral, which by all accounts was her favourite place. I am glad she worked to the end as she hoped - meeting the new Prime Minister just a few days earlier, but I also hope and wish that she had some down time in the last couple of days. That she pottered around the garden with a corgi, that she fed her favourite pony a last apple and smelled horses, oats and leather one last time.

I think of how dignified she was at Philip's funeral when my heart broke for her, I think to how she performed with James Bond at the Olympics - my favourite bit of the opening ceremony. The Paddington Bear sketch when I couldn't believe she would join in with such silliness. I think about how she had State Opening of Parliament and Windsor Horse show on consecutive days this summer and how she skipped the Opening and went to play ponies instead, like a naughty schoolgirl.  

I've welled up a few times. Princess Diana didn't affect me, Prince Philip or any celebrity made me feel anything other than a passing "oh that's sad... [pause] anyway....." type thought.

And its the silly things as well - she won't be on a stamp - she won't be on a coin. God save the King sounds strange to the ears.

May you live in interesting times indeed.

God Save The Queen. Long live the King  

 Practically September!!! 

I am now 39! 39! Which means this blog has been recording my life off and on for nearly TWENTY years! TWENTY!!!
Its like the longest relationship I've ever had!

So an update is completely overdue, especially as it was May the last time I wrote anything. Mrs Collie has settled into flyball competing life - she will have been with me three years next week.

Mrs Spaniel is amazing as she always is, a bit grey in the muzzle now and starting to stiffen up, but she's still game for most adventures!

In July I got the all clear from Physio. I think about riding again, but petrol, which hit a scary 1.91 a few weeks back is still 1.71 and when it was 1.15 I was putting 40 quid in every nine days so in all honesty I don't think I can afford the petrol to take it back up. I am also quite liking the not rushing around everywhere every night.

Work lets us stay at home two days a week, sometimes I'm really busy. Others, I've finished what I need to do by 10.30 and then dick about online for the rest of the day. I hated the job at the H&S company for the lack of work, but it helps here that i'm either at home or sat alone so no one can tell what I'm doing.

I'm still tapping away at the debts. In March I owed 10.6k in various loans and credit cards. I'm now down to 8.5k just on credit cards. I'd love, love to get it down to at least 7k by Christmas. We will see. I've cancelled two cards completely and alright I can only afford minimum repayments but at least having cancelled the cards I don't have the temptation to spend them.

 I'm living on a 50 pound a week budget - some people wonder how I do on so little - but I used to have less than that a month!

CL is in London this weekend with her kids, I'll be catching up with them at the SkyGarden on Sunday.

And the final update is that I've started seeing someone. He has the same first and middle name as Welshy, so I think for Blog Purposes I'll christen him E2.0 - which is actually what he is saved in my phone as!

He messaged me off of an online dating site. I replied as I was bored, its expanded. He's sweet, kind and shy although its not been a full two months yet - so I guess he's on his best behaviour!

The sex is up and down - He's amazing at the foreplay stuff, not so brilliant at the other bit but its more than made up for beforehand.

He works for the NHS and is two years older than me. He has his own house close to me and unlike me has clearly had his head screwed on and ticked every box as he got his degree paid for, worked through it, works for same NHS Trust forever and has bought his home.

For my birthday he bought us speedboat tickets to ride up and down the Thames - so much fun! And took me out for a meal and many drinks.

Another reason why I'm dithering on the side of taking up horses again. Obedience, agility and flyball take up so much time and I'm quite conscious that he's never had a pet and I need to rush off in the mornings to walk and feed these, or leave early from nights out because of competing this morning. At the moment it's not an issue and they will always come first but its a balancing act! Think it would be easier if I had real kids as that's a bit more socially acceptable!

But at the moment I'm trying to just look on this as fun and see what happens, its not a FWB situation and organically growing into something else maybe? 

 

 And now its May and still the brave people in Ukraine fight on. I did a collection of items to send over to them, I still have some of it tbh that I need to sort out where to send on to.

I am now loan free! This is the first time, I think since Welshy left which is now what? Six years ago? I am still in lots of credit card debit, but I'm hoping by September I'd have paid one of those off and can go from there.

Life continues to be exhausting... Following on from the car electrics issue at the start of Feb/March. I then somehow managed to explode a tire doing the Dartford Crossing (2 miles of sheer tunnel hell) before I managed to get to a place to pull over. 

I had nowhere to go except sit in the car with Mrs Collie, ringing the police in a flap meant that they would be about 40 minutes away. Same with the RAC. Just about to resign myself to death and tears when a lovely man from Halfords pulled over on the way home from work, put the spare tire on and I was able to then do the crossing to get home.

Turned out I had nails in the other tire on that same side so that was a very expensive trip out to nowhere.

I had to give up ShareMare, the petrol was getting unaffordable, its nice though to not have to be rushing around everywhere after work and having a couple of days at home just chilling.

Mrs Collie has now attended two flyball comps and been a really good girl in both. No chase incidents and only baby mistakes. I'm still holding my breath that it might not work out at the next comp this weekend but who knows?

Mrs Spaniel is obviously awesome as ever. Both have an agility competition lined up for next weekend. This will be Mrs Spaniel's last year of agility. Somehow she is now 8, and I owe it to her not to hammer her around things. She loves her flyball more so she will be happy with that.

I have Covid! Or at least I did. I had both jabs and the booster and yet I was still really grotty. I think it was during that week, I got casual about wearing my mask on the train. Its back to pre-covid levels of busy and very few mask wearers, so when it slipped out my bag, I just didn't bother replacing it.

Compared to some people I've got off lightly. The first few days I was a wreck, coughing lots of shit up from my lungs, a sandpaper throat and an endlessly streaming nose and Christ the tiredness was/IS something else!

On day 3 when I felt well enough to get out of bed and wash my bedding, I then needed a four hour nap to recover! I'm still getting tired very quickly and still coughing, although now it's more of a dry, tickly cough. Waiting to see if work want me in tomorrow/Thursday or if they want me to carry on WFH on our next two office days. 

I'm not going to complain obviously if they say to stay home!!! 

 Seems weird to give an update about normal things when there's all this shit kicking off in Ukraine. But let's quickly recap.

My leg is getting better on its own, or at least I thought so until I did a bit too much walking on Wednesday and then had to get the tube into work on Thursday and the jolting did it no good whatsoever! Due to the pandemic I've still not been able to see anyone face to face. They gave me codeine. Very disappointed in that. No effect whatsoever. It deteriorated to the point where I went upstairs on four legs. Constant nagging ache underneath my left butt cheek. Feeling every so often like my leg was getting caught in the socket. Not pleasant.

They decided I broke my hip. I got Xrays. I hadn't broken my hip. Nearly 2 months after my first call to the GP I'm finally getting a physio Zoom call on Monday.

I got a refund from one of the payday loan companies! Four hundred pounds! But before we get too excited, because this is me and I have the worst luck, the car decided to break down. Took it to a garage. Useless garage. Ended up paying 300 for work that wasn't needed.

Took it for a second opinion. Now I need to get it refunded and pay out 180 for the real repair work. SUCH A PAIN. Four hundred pounds would have paid off one of the three loans I have left. April. April if all goes well will be my last loan payment. So much for when it was nearly due to be paid off in January! URGH.

Anyway. I guess all this pales in comparison to what's going on elsewhere. I don't even know what to make of it all. Impossible to imagine being in this situation like the Ukrainians. Tweets going out, telling people how to make Molotov cocktails in their homes. People sheltering in tube stations with pets in pet carriers. I saw a video of a man saying goodbye to his little daughter and wife. Brings tears to your eyes.

I get why we can't be involved yet, but its such a tragedy and then the talk of it starting the next World War. The talk of how Russia has nukes. Its such a horrible slippery slope. And the brave people in Russia who are protesting against it and being arrested and God knows what happening to them.

When I was still young and naïve, I imagined how fun it would be to have a blog documenting something interesting - like Pepys and the Plague years. The truth is definitely how I imagined, all those years ago sat in my uni bedroom in Derby! 

 What to say? In December we were sent home again fulltime. I fell off of Sharemare trying to jump. I've bruised ribs, shoulder and back. When that healed my leg has decided to stop working in sympathy as i've been over compensating. 

Deeply regret 4 year old Charby being plonked on a pony and enjoying it..!

Christmas was Christmas. Spent most of it trying to rest various injuries and eating my own bodyweight in matchmakers. Alone again, although I met a friend for an afternoon walk which was nice.

The Deathday and birthday anniversaries have passed. 

What to sum up last year? It was a trying one in many ways, but also better than 2020. I need some form of human company and everything was so much more bearable with my "after-school" activities back on. 

The dogs have blossomed during my time at home. I'm not exhausted anymore. Still very lonely though. 

I still struggle with the idea of letting this die. I overshare on Facebook now rather than here. But its comforting to know it exists.