Apparently before my Mother went on holiday yesterday my brother convinced her that the rent money I'd left on the side for her was actually his rent money for her. Despite him having not given her rent for about 4 months of this year, she believed him not me.
I live with such lovely people!!!

Welshy is away again in Hamburg this time. Just the week, so will be home soon. One week. Then our holiday and he will be away for 6 weeks.
Mother is going "Home" tomorrow so that's her gone for a month. Leaving me with just the brat to deal with.
This time last year I'd been to see the dressage at the Olympics. Such a good day despite the misery of lack of jobness.

So it seems my mother wants to throw me out. That is an exaggeration, I'm not going anywhere in a hurry but yeah, she hinted at the other day that I should look for a council place (I don't qualify because of the year in Spain [although I can blag that one. Maybe?] and living in the Isle of Dogs in the last 5 years.)
She was talking about it again with Welshy yesterday apparently and yeah, she wants us all out so she can rent the house out and move to Lanzarote and live on the proceeds.
I don't know why but this makes me feel more rejected than anything else she has done. All those times I fretted about moving away or going on holiday because of the guilt trips she put on me about leaving her alone.
All the New Years Eve's I've spent at home watching tv alone after she goes to bed because she's not wanted to be alone.
All those times I've come home early or not gone on a night out because she's complained about being alone.
The times I've cried over being made to feel like an awful, ungrateful spoiled child and now I feel she wants me out. Wants me gone.
Incidentally I also learned that her password to everything on the computer is Brat's real name and DOB. Urgh.
She can't go anywhere until Granddad is in a home at least so I have some leeway. But now getting a real job that pays real money is more urgent than ever. She doesn't want me. She never has. I've never wanted to be here. Just sat it out as I can't afford to live anywhere and I've felt bad.
Not any more. Fuck her.

I went out with H2 and her kids to the Science Museum yesterday. Was awesome to see her, to play on the toys and her kids rather randomly seem to like me, despite only seeing me once a year!
Hacked Wonderhorse out today which went really well. No attempts to smush me against the road surface so that's always a win.
I love riding her and her happy whinny to see me, I love the yard. Friday we ended up sitting, drinking wine and eating pizza until late and next weekend there is a barbeque.
Lovely.

Urgh. Work has hired some new person to do half of our job. For 1 pound an hour more than we get. Which does work out at a couple of k at the end of the year.
Did enjoy the conversation about how it'd be hard to hire someone for that low..........

I need to get out. Too many shouty candidates and struggling to get stuff done with more and more pressure all the time.
Especially when you know you can get at least 4k a year more doing the same thing elsewhere.
Speaking of which I turned down a possible interview today doing my role for 20k a year. It was in Battersea so a 3hr commute on top of my working day.
No Ta.
I felt a bit bad about turning it down but No. No thanks.
I have done well though, I gotta keep telling myself that. 9 interviews since May and I've turned down two others because of location. That's loads better than this time last year.
Off to Croatia for my birthday. Pretty excited about that. And H2 and the kids are down this weekend. Not last as I confusingly thought.

Pony is going great. We're getting some contact together (albeit losing it almost immediately) and ventured over some jumps and did canter poles - which was ridiculously hard considering I do trot poles all the time!

So unsurprisingly I didn't get that job. I also didnt get the other one I was going for, which disappointed me slightly. 16k a year for a 4 day week? And I smashed their online test.
Went and did my dressage test in the radioactive sun. Not sure where I finished. I thought it was last, but the person who came 6th was only 8% better than me.
She was a bit too hot and bothered poor thing to play up much but we pranced about like a giraffe on acid which doesn't go down well.
H2 and the kids are visiting next weekend! Wheee!

why does blogger want me to give this a title? I've never titled my posts.

What a fucking mental day. I feel so drained! Went to my interview. Realised 3/4 of the way there that I'd left my passport at home as they requested I bring it.
Got to the nearest tube at 9. Great! I thought. Plenty of time to find it. (Been assured at most it was a 15 minute walk). Interview due at 9.30
Walked down road.
Turned out to be in wrong direction. Retraced my steps. Turned out to also be in the wrong direction. Retraced my steps back to the station.
Started heading in right direction. Now 15 minutes till interview.
Walked all the way down the road. Couldn't find any numbers as to know if I was going in the right direction. Realised at the end I was at 89. I needed 5.
Walked back to end of road. Couldn't see it.
9.20
Starting to get a bit fretty now.
Walked all the way back down the road and back again. I still can't see it. I asked someone in the newsagent. Couldn't help.
9.25.
Called them, described where I was. Got directions.
9.27. Nearly got ran over by one of Boris' bikes as I walked back down the road AGAIN.
A little distraught I asked a passerby. She didn't know.
9.30
Asked someone else for help. They and helpful passerby who had returned guided me to the door.
9.35.
I realised that i'd done preparation for the wrong university.
9.45. First question.
"So what do you know of our university."
"Erm.........."
I basically lied and said I'd lost my passport on the way, that's why I was so late. Not sure I did a win there! Will find out Friday. Not hopeful!

Went home via NMM and stopped to say hi to folk, walked back and stopped at cashpoint to get money out for my lesson. Somehow lost 10 quid walking home.

Tired and a little emotional, I had a nap.

Went Riding earlier than usual which was nice. Practised the test. I got dropped in canter once and told that I needed to make my shapes a bit bigger but also got "Bloody Brilliant." Yay Me.

After this I got a text from mum saying that I'd got a call from nationwide saying that I'm over drawn by 138 pounds. I think I must have not cancelled the isa payments from it properly.
Fixed now. Tired. Going to bed!

hello?

Interview tomorrow!
And another lined up for next week! Welshy is home (albeit in Wales currently) and I have my competition this Sunday.
Genuinely looking forward to my day off tomorrow. Interview should be over by 10.30. Go home via Greeny and pop into the NMM as I want to see the new exhibit. Chat to people, wander up to the ROG and say hi.
Home. Nap. Ride early.
What a good day! :)

My week at work has mainly consisted of realising that there's a zoo game I can play on facebook and impatiently waiting for the time to pass so I can afford to "buy" a penguin. Actually that's a lie. I haven't even reached penguin level yet :(
Had a practise for next Sunday. Went really well :) am slightly more confident about it all. New posh poncy long boots have arrived. Nearly time to start feeling like the typical horsey stereotype with long boots and white trousers.
Got a new interview! Wheee! and I gotta call someone back about the possibility of another, which I'll do tomorrow. Hopefully I can get it down on Tuesday afternoon as I booked the day off of work.
I REALLY want the job I have a confirmed interview for. Decent money, decent leave and it seems do-able.
Fingers crossed all.
I realised that I am much more employable now, I think I've had 4 interviews (including a second stage one). I had two people contact me, one telephone interview and this one on Tuesday and a possible tbc.
I'm sure that's more than I had in all the time I was unemployed last year!
Actually I had 5 in the 8 months. I was unemployed including a second stage one. So yeah. The two months I've been looking is already winning.
It'd be nice if I was in a new job by the time football season starts in August!!!

So! Signed up for scary dressage contest! I feel it'll go either of two ways. At F1 speed or donkey speed where I'm constantly nagging at her to "MOVE DAMMIT! BEND!!"
or. "WHOAH! WHOA!!!" With me hauling on her mouth to stop as we exit the arena.
Still We'll see how we get on!

Did some more job applications, rode a little. Not really done much. got a wee tripod so I'm taking the opportunity to film some of my riding so I can see what I need to improve on (on top of what I already know!)
Jumped today! Attempted my first one in canter and a two hole height upright. We're rapidly reaching the scary heights of two foot!

Scored 90% on my audit. Which I'm pleased about!
For the next one, I again have three people and two of them are already 100% and the other 90%. So shouldn't hopefully be too much work to get him all the way up there as well.
Horrid muggy and humid out at the moment. God I want a breeze. Supposed to be a storm tomorrow! Fingers crossed!

Preparing for another audit. Really taken my foot off the gas now! Just doing little bits and pieces. Had another agency contact me to see if I was interested in a role they have going, so we'll see what happens there.
Audit should mostly go ok. Two of my 3 are 95% plus compliant. The other is just hopeless!

Was invited for an interview next week. Decided against it Streatham is a commute into the city to come back out again in an upside down V shape.
Possibly will regret it, but I really can't be doing with a longer commute than I have now!
Had a bit of practise for the dressaging. God I'm already shitting myself about it.
Main things to focus on:
Correct bend.
Canter transitions. Our trot to canter is hugely improved but I do feel that perhaps she may go zipping off in a racehorse style! - Will need to work on canter fitness too just so she doesn't break on me.

I think I can scrape by with everything else. I'm fairly accurate, but I need to crack the above in order to get maximum marks and Christ knows we'll need it!

Sent off a mailshot to all, telling them lies about how they've been selected for NHS audit so need to get bits and pieces to me.
Seems to have worked judging by the amount of response I got back!

Day off today. Washed my bedding and replaced it. Put Dishwasher on and tidied up. Go Me. Then went to yard to muck out the horse for the owner.
She has the great (!) idea that that we should try dressage at the local yard. Yeah. Horse is very good at being on two legs when she gets excited. Gotta practise making my circles more bendy and working in a smaller area.
Also. And this is possibly ambitious. There is a 2ft max crossjump course in the same yard come September.  I'd love to give that a go. However my limit is 40cm, so I need to brave up and get a bit taller with the jumps!
And fitness! For us both!
We'll see! I think this dressage test will be interesting!
Back to work tomorrow!

So nice when I got to the yard. Horse was snoring away, felt a bit mean waking her up and sat with her for a while taking pictures until she chose to get up.

Bit sharp to ride, spooked a few times and unsettled me a little - serves me right for getting my phone out and holding the reins one-handed!

Popped another 40ish cm cross pole. Bless her, she was so good. Approaching it easily in trot and just sitting back enough for me to encourage her to jump it. Maybe brave pants will pop out next week and we'll try it in canter or even make a small upright (What is it about perception that makes a X-pole seem smaller than an upright at the same height?)

Off tomorrow due to work yesterday and will pop down lunchtime to muck her out for the owner and meet her as its been ages since I've seen her!

I think I'm having a bit of a crisis. I keep focussing on the small jump I did last Sunday. The way I panicked at the last moment, confused the horse and nearly fell off.
Adding to this the feeling of general incompetency compared to those who ride around me. God I can't even keep both feet in the stirrups at the moment!
Worlds worst rider, that's me.
Long, slow day at work, livened up by the fire alarm that was triggered somehow and buzzed for an hour, making it impossible to do anything.
Went to the anchor in hope for tea with mum, was nice except for being full of people having dull little lives and meals and being loud and obnoxious and many, many children.
Urgh.
I feel like I'm getting more anti-social. I dislike most people. I have a vague sense that somehow I'm both better and worse than all of them. Better in the fact I've been and done stuff they probably haven't. Worse in the fact that they have their own homes, lives. Not trapped in the whim of their parents.
Doesn't that make me a cunty type? Feeling superior in the fact that I've judged them already to have done nothing with their lives? That I've lived more exciting experiences that they would have - and I don't know these people. Perhaps they're lion tamers. Or professional sky-divers.
But I feel better than them.
But also worse cos I envy that they have their own homes. (except I don't know if they do or not).
Living your life judging other people is something I stopped doing a while back, realising that I've done some amazing things and that they balance out all the other shit around me.
But now suddenly I feel caught up in it again. Feeling inadequate. Unable to clear a 40cm jump without wetting myself. Being at home.
I think its the work environment I'm in now. At the NMM there were so many strange personalities, people with different hobbies, whether it was life drawing, making puppets, football, visiting English Heritage sites, crocheting. It didn't matter being a bit odd. We were ALL a bit odd and it was accepted and embraced.
Here I have little in common, with anyone. I don't really watch TV, I can't comprehend the lady that sighs and exclaims that she has no idea how she will catch up with all the tv she has on SkyPlus to watch.
I don't go to the gym, I don't know anything about popular culture. They roll their eyes rather pointedly when they ask me what I did at the weekend and I tell them I rode, or went to football, or watched Welshy play cricket.
The Polish girl sighs at me, tells me she doesn't know how to talk to me. Tells me she doesn't know any other person who is like me. Tells me I'd be pretty if I tried and I instantly feel 14 again and on the outskirts of school.
I don't like this feeling. I've never wanted to fit in, be like everyone else. I embrace my eccentricities (and God knows I have plenty). How can you feel superior and yet inferior at the same time?

was going to post. Nothing to post about. Another dull old day at work. Thinking about what to do on the Monday off. Might go see the Pompeii thingy

Mishmash sorta day. Somehow I'm achieving as much even though I've completely, completely switched off.
Not much longer though, running out of good people to get out of my system.
First rejection came back today. Better start getting used to it!
Wish I wasn't working this weekend, urgh. Lady I'm working with is rather quiet so it'll probably drag.
Thinking about how much I'm looking forward to kfc boneless bucket though (weekend treat)
Riding went well. Practised a dressage prelim run through. I'm hoping I can give myself a little jump again on Friday/Sunday.

So. Wedding invite of the year no2. STF. Firstly I'm very sad that the awesomely fun guy I knew Is settling down and spends evenings playing scrabble. At the wanky website and shit way he proposed.
and finally depressed that all of my fun friends are growing up and growing old!

Went for an interview today. Was pretty pointless, spent 20 minutes answering essay style questions. Then without even looking at them I was asked if I can answer a telephone and work a computer. I said yes so then they decided they would call me Monday about a possible second interview.
What a waste!
Rode today. Hacked out with another girl, first half all good until a pigeon flew into a tree and then there was lots of sideways cantering and she just got worse on the way home, including some bouncing on the spot, half rears and then slipping.
Was the slipping that scared me most! Eeek!

Welshy away Sunday for a month! Boo!