More slack!

I had a really bad cold that turned into a stomach bug and left me drained. There was an awful moment when I took the dogs to Lullingstone, thinking I was ok.
 I was most definitely NOT ok and realised this the minute I let Hero out the car. I turned to frantically get her back in the car but she refused on the principle that we had just got there and why should she?
I had undone the collie's seatbelt and in my panic forgot her and she made a bolt for freedom. I spent an increasingly unhappy 20 minutes waddling about with shit filled pants almost sobbing as I tried to catch her.
And of course I did, and then as I went to clear myself up I bumped into the over 50's walking group who all wanted to share their tips at helping her learn recall.

Talking of shit, the collie is still struggling with learning her toileting manners. I spent some time getting up in the middle of the night for her but she still seems to just go when she wants. It gets me down. The house stinks.

The brother has come home! I told everyone that it wouldn't last till Christmas! Gutted, the house was slowly getting cleaner as I'm out nearly every night so don't have time to make a mess (other than the dgs!) so I could get on top of what was there and almost make it look nice. Now of course we're back to square one.

And to add to the joy I had a bailiff on my door at 6am after the Brat. Apparently he had driven through the congestion charge and not done anything with it. And owed them close to 600 quid.
It was awful and quite scary, he was still away at this point. I had no idea what it was about, and GDPR and that means that the guy couldn't tell me. At one point it was looking like i'd have to pay the money out of my wages this month (that would be close to half of it...)

After a couple of awkward encounters, he eventually got a loan out to pay it off.

The electrics in the kitchen went! Happy day! That cost me 120 to fix. Or at least it will do as I haven't been paid yet and can't do it until then. The thought has been put forward that as Mother is technically a landlord she should cover it, but we all know that's not how life works.

And finally in my roundup FWB.... I'm deeply, deeply unhappy with him at the moment. We have hardly spoken since the champs and it was assumed that I was running his dog at the indoor flyball, which I don't mind doing, but you know, it'd be nice to be asked. He wanted to come to agility and I ended up mentioning my bailiff drama to him and he lectured me about how it wasn't my problem.

Then the next day in a group chat, it came up about me running his dog and I lost my shit. I was tired from getting up, I'm run down from dealing with the toiletting issue. I don't get in to chill most night until at least 8.30 as the longer days and commute means I don't get home until 6.30 and I still need to walk the dogs, try and implement some training with the collie, ride, take Hero to agility, the collie to obedience, plus looking after The Brat and the house. I just snapped.

I tried to tell him how I felt and he told me I should have told him all the problems I have at the moment. But seriously! Why would I do that? We haven't spoken since the Champs really, I'm not going to message someone out of the blue and tell them my woes when there is nothing anyone can do but me to fix it and there's nothing I can do myself.
He didn't get it.

He's been winding me up by calling me stroppy in front of people, making comments to them that he knows nothing about my life anymore. But things are different now to how they were this time last year. He has a GF. I would be wrong to message him 24/7 as we did before and that anyway just confused me as it's relationshippy and that's not what we were. The distance needs to be there.

I found out that he had put pressure on a kid I know a while back. She's 19 now, he's nearly 32. This maybe ended last May or August. So in between our little things. She never slept with him, but she did things and he put pressure on her and caused problems with her family.
She says its ok, she wouldn't have slept with him cos of the age (got her head screwed on this one!) but at the same time, he picked her up and took her back to his.
I'm deeply uncomfortable about it. It's almost predatory and to keep on at her when he knew it could cause a lot of problems at flyball and was causing problems with her at home. She might have been legal but that's not right.

And I'm uncomfortable with the things I know about him and his GF doesn't. I feel she needs to know that he was still trying it on with me, that when she was in hospital, he moaned and moaned about lack of sex. That the only reason he didn't have a threesome at the champs was cos he was so drunk he couldn't get it up (can't remember if I mentioned this or not. Anyway, I obviously wasn't involved, other than beg him not to do it).

I have no solid evidence though. And it was pointed out that my telling her would not only lead to issues between me and him (don't care at this point) or could easily be twisted into me being a spiteful, jealous, vindictive brat. So I have to keep quiet, unless I find out otherwise, and even then I would need it in a text or something, something physical. He's invited her to the flyball xmas do. Hard, so hard.

I don't understand it. He could be the nicest, most generous person ever so what is this pathological need to constantly screw things up? Sometimes I wonder if he has something like sociopathy.

Anyway I've been in work for nearly an hour now writing this down so I should crack on.

Another manic couple of weeks over and I'm so slack with this.
New dog is going well. Some very frustrating moments with recall but it's all puppy stuff and will get there. Started obedience classes with her so that will help!
Weather has been absolutely appalling so I've hardly ridden and no flyball training either.
Work is ok, bit quiet but bearable.

Busy week. The mothership had a row with TMWMITW and came home in a huff for a week. Course she found out about The Beat being gone and then about new dog and that caused drama all week.

Went out last night for lolly memorial drinks which was nice.
I need to vent about FWB. Why does it hurt that he and mutual friends talk about his GF? Why do I feel like I was dumped rather than dealing with it in a grown up way and moving on as after all. I knew the deal all along.
Why do I miss the constant contact. I dont want to go back to being lonely but I dont know how to change it.

Been naughty. So much to update on.
Dog and I did agility comp. Very pleased as we got a 2nd in beginner jumping and 3rd in beginner agility.
We did champs and it was lots of fun! Met H2 and Lovely which was nice. Dog missed out on 2nd by 0.4 of a second! What is that really?!
FWB very platonic as expected. Did kinda wonder if something would kick off when we went to the party but all that happened was that he went to sleep with another girl (possibly 2!) But all got weird apparently and he bailed.
I've met her a couple of times now and I feel so awkward about it. Had to pretend someone else was also sharing the camper.
He reckons I'm being overly sensitive and dramatic over nothing. No way José!
Really trying to push back from it all but he's still messaging me a bit, drunk calling. Texting to show off his new car. Actually it was a year yesterday since I went to the motherships wedding and came back and drove straight to his and then everything re-kicked off.
I have another dog. A border collie who is 6 months old, amazingly poorly socialised and at the moment seemingly destructive and not toilet trained. All good calls there Charbs.
Really pleased with how the socialising is going. Not the rest of it though. Crating at night. Blocking off the top of the house so she can only shit in one place.
The Boy moved out?! Seriously?! I cant believe it. He is now in leamington spa! It's some apprenticeship thing. I really am not sure it'll work out but we'll have to see!
Would say that it means theres less mess but the new dog is making up for that!!

What a week!! FWB and I have been headfucking each other all week.

He's moaning cos his GF was away for 2 weeks and he needed sex and wound me up and up over coming over. I wanted to go, but I couldnt do it. So we headfucked each other. He wanted me to say I was coming over. I refused unless he came out and said it, told him to go cheat on her if he needed it that badly but if he did care about her to wait! I mean two weeks isnt long really!
I wound him up about how much I also needed it but wasnt going to do it. He reckoned a BJ would be ok (how?!?!)
Nothing happened but I bet she wouldn't be happy if she saw the texts!

I'm so tired of this going around in circles thing. I was trying to think of ways to get him out of my life going home from flyball today and literally all I can do apart from quitting (not an option) is to try and distance myself as much as possible but yet be civil as after all we are sharing the camper for the champs again!

In fact because I am actually 15 years old not 35, I may have led him to believe I was going to Wembley to fuck someone. Indeed N from Uni randomly text me and wanted to know if I was free to hang out. However this was at 9pm and it's over an hour to drive! Didnt go but didnt stop me from pretending that I did and now I've got this whole bloody scenario going on where he's staying here for 6 weeks and I'm pretending we're seeing each other!! And he's been funny about it so trying to keep distance is good to stop me building an even bigger web of ridiculous lies.

And to add to the drama! There is a married man who is one of the group I walk with in evenings. I'm never quite sure if he is after something or just socially awkward. He reminds me a bit of The Hunter from uni (was that his nickname? I cant remember and cant be bothered to check!) Anyway. He monopolises my company when we walk, has a couple of times said if he was single he'd make a play and has invited me for drinks a few times all of which I reject.
I learnt a few weeks back from him that he was getting a divorce. Yesterday I was walking in the park with him and Old Boss and happened to mention I was going to thr 7pm showing of Spiderman. Well guess who rocks up with his kid? Co-incidence? Am I reading too much into things?
He also asked how he could get his dog into flyball. I do not want this to happen!

I entered dog into an agility show weekend before champs, so that would be a nice distraction for us both! Not expecting anything other than a day out and a learning curve for us!

Work continues to go well, they love me (for now) although the commute is still a bastard when I need to get home for the animals.

Mum is fretting about TMWMITW after his drowning incident and that's exhausting too!!

Spent quite a bit of this weekend cat-napping! Have tackled horrid overgrown garden that I just haven't had time to deal with as I have been out every weekend since Easter at flyball.

A long day at flyball last week meant I didnt have a chance to blog.I looked after FWB's dogs for the week, luckily his flyball dog was running on same day as mine.
They're good dogs but mine found it hard to adjust to them being there for the week. I had another one this weekend down Reading way, luckily only three divs but still a long old day!

Work is still going ok for now, got messed about twice going home which is so annoying!!

Didn't do too much today. Saw Lovely Friday which was nice albeit brief, but the flyball champs this year are up near him so hopefully will see him a bit then.

I filled two bins with brambles and stuff but it still doesnt look like any difference in the garden lol! I've done so many comps since August, I've just had no time to do even the little I do manage to do!

I realised that the rats that came into the garden since having the hen have been catching and eating my aviary birds, so the job next weekend is to get some traps and poison down for the fuckers.

Rest of week finished ok. Agility class went well. I was messaging two other guys from a dating site although they've gone quiet since the weekend. Both too far away anyway so not bothered. Had a few other special cases get in touch but no one I'd wanna take to what's app.

FWB has annoyed me tonight! He reckoned I didnt have balls to go meet anyone so I pretended I had and that I was with them when he rang me to talk through plans for next week as I have his dogs.
He told me off for being on the phone when "on a date" but then did a twenty minute chat a about his dogs and a film he'd watched last night and other nonsense and then text me twice after the call to berate me for answering the phone.
I filled him in later with some of the more special cases that had been in touch and the other two I had been talking with.....

We've just spent the past two hours with him complaining about getting used to being in a relationship and how hes not getting any at the moment! Which considering shes been in hospital I'm not surprised!

I told him frankly that all my sympathies were with her and he should grow up and either adapt to it or end it now before she got hurt! He never directly came out and said it but the hint to go around was there but I refused to play that game.

Disappointed in him. It's not what I expected at all. And he only didnt come right out with it because he knew what my reaction would be and admitted it!!!

Also today officially marks the day that I resign myself to the knowledge I no longer can boast about not getting hangovers. It's been a good run! As long as this blog existed, I think I only had three previous but I cant be in denial about them now lol!!!!

Work still going well. Still loving me, which is nice. Commute starting to annoy me now, not going but coming home. Takes so bloody long!

Not much else happened this week. The dating app thing still seems to be going strong. Had a few oddballs, had a few nice guys. The nice ones all are miles away though which is fucking annoying. Had to say goodbye to the really nice one I mentioned last week. Not only was he 30 miles away, but 10 years younger, unemployed and living in basically a homeless shelter. I know its shallow and I got on best with him out of all of them so far, but it seemed just too much barrier wise in my head. I feel a bit bad cos he was really genuinely sweet but also, I cant actually meet anyone as I'm busy every weekend until September.
Not unless they were local anyway.

FWB's gf was in hospital for a week or so, they thought ovary cysts but turns out not. He messaged me moaning about it. Anyway shes out now, turned out to be a bowel thing! Week in hospital to find that out! You'd think it'd be an outpatients thing, biopsy and that.

Ho hum. Thats all folks!

So yeah. I'm suddenly popular on dating apps. Gotta admit it's a good ego boost. I'm talking to two different guys, annoyingly the one that I'm getting in better with, is 8 years younger than me and miles away in Stevenage.

FWB is still on the scene though. He's pretty loved up with his girl but we spent two hours the other day trying to pick a name and logo for his new company that he's setting up.

I dunno. Definitely if we hadn't slept together I wouldn't think much more of it.

So last weekend I went to Porto with J and yeah I'll not be doing that again.

We went out and had a lot to drink, there was a fab atmosphere with lots of England supporters singing and whatever, just banter, no aggression despite what was reported (maybe we just got lucky?)
Anyway on way home he tried to kiss me, urgh.
Love the guy to bits but no! I ducked away and told him to grow up.
End of matter as far as I was concerned, walking back drunkenly arguing, arms around each others shoulders and then an hand ddrops into the back of my jeans.
Again I told him where to go but it really puts downer on the trip for me. He didnt come to in his room until 11 next morning so I being awake by 8 spent most of morning wondering if it should be brought up, if so what should I say?

He claimed not to have remembered much of getting back so I let it go, but then I was on edge for the day, not wanting to go out that night in case it happened again. I wanna speak with G when he is back from his travels as he is his best mate and can bring up how inappropriate it all was and check it was just drunken stupidity and nothing else! No feelings there at all are wanted please!!

As it was it pissed down, both of us had summery clothes not, not weather appropriate. The game was rubbish, the police were inept and we got back into Porto at 1am so just went back to hotel to bed.

AND to top it off, there was an 8 hour delay to our flight!! Not impressed!! Compensation fight is going on as we speak!

FWB good though and was trying to buy another flight for me to get home.

Work has been ok this week, they still seem fooled into thinking I'm good at stuff so what with that and the sudden interest from online people I'm having a good and well needed confidence boost.

He told me last Thursday that he was seeing someone. So I guess that explains the weirdness about us being honest with each other.
I panicked a bit, the girl knows we talk a bit apparently but I'm betting everything, she doesny know that two weeks previous he was trying to talk me back into sex!
Anyway. He isnt the sort of guy to do that now he's seeing her. I absolutely refuse to, if it ends, to fall back into that pattern, platonic or nothing from here on in.
It did kinda hurt, in that 'why wasnt I good enough?' Way but no utter devastation, bit sad as obviously we need to back off a bit and now I've got to get used again to not having someone to text all the time.
All part of the pattern of life I guess!
Bizarrely as well since Thursday I suddenly seem to have become popular on the dating site I signed up to at Xmas, logged in a couple of times and forgot about!
Had 6 or 7 different guys start convos. But. Urgh. What is wrong with me? Happy speaking to them on that but when they ask to go away from it, what's app or whatever, then I panic a bit or find stupid reasons to convince myself not to take it further.
What is that about?

New job has gone well so far. I've never had a welcome gift or been taken out to lunch before!
My early finish doesnt kick in until after probation ends in November though and last week I didnt get home much before 6.30, it's too long for the dog. Not fair.

We did flyball in billericay this weekend. My changes were terrible.
I went out the night before, drank a hell of a lot far too quickly on no food and threw up.
Stay classy Charbs!!!

I'm off work this week! J and I are going to the England game in Porto on Wednesday. Cant afford it, worried about potential awkwardness after last September's night out where it seemed he was trying to make a move.

It'll be ok! We hope!!!

I have a new job! Hurray for Charby! Tomorrow I'm starting a new role as a training administrator up in London. No its not ideal cos of poor dog, but I blagged a half hour earlier finish out of them and an extra grand a year.

Hopefully it'll be ok!

So it was two weeks in total of not working, which has felt like a bit of a holiday. I've walked her and FWB's dogs on long walks, I've not done as much in the garden as I'd have liked or around the house, but still did a bit!

We went to a competition and now have our qualification for the flyball champs and FWB is staying for those at least, which is great.

Also its our two year anniversary of that bizarre night when we were both hammered, slept together and cracked on with our arrangement.

He went a bit funny on me on Thursday, moaning at me as I'd been out and not put sun cream on and how I knew I got burnt easily. Then onto some rant about how important it was that we were honest with each other and I could ask him anything I liked.

I always assume he's pretty on the line with me anyway and told him so, and that I had always been honest with him. So not sure what that was all about. He's mega busy at the moment working two fulltime roles and on verge of setting himself up as limited company, so fucking different for Welshy's layabout frustrating ways!

Hoping that this new job in city means I might meet someone new and move on a bit from them both!

I was at a flyball BBQ on Saturday - he didn't come, still bitter about that row in April, so not as much drinking as last time, which was probably good!!

Borrowed a tent and camped over anyway and it was a lot of fun!

I went to the WEmbley playoffs Sunday! Charlton Vs Sunderland - the sequel! Not as exciting of course, but we won and much more drink was consumed. I had a chillout day today, walked the dog, messaged him a bit, napped on sofa. 

Ready to rejoin the real world tomorrow! Fingers crossed this one works out!!

I dont even know who I am apologising to, for not updating this. Does anyone still look at this apart from H2 and myself? Do say hi - anonymously if you prefer - but curiosity is getting better of me!

I lost my job, last week it was relief and I felt like I was on holiday, this week the reality is starting to sink in.
Had an interview today, job would be ok, is local and fairly interesting but means a 3k paycut and an extra hour a day working. Plus petrol as it involves driving around a lot.
I have the second interview on Thursday. I do feel like it'll be offered to me. I am gonna have to go balls out and tell them if they offer it to me, that I can't live on that little, nor do those hours.
We will see.

Dog of course has been loving me being off, we have covered close to 16 miles last week, and did a two day flyball comp, we won one day and came no where the second, but I was dead proud of her as I lent her to a super shy kid who has been hanging about to run. She was loving it and of course Dog doesnt care who runs her, its just other dogs thats an issue.

Ran her this weekend and FWB's dog. who didnt run well for me. 3rd place with FWB and 4th with mine.
I went to collect her and he was at the door with a girl. I convinced myself he'd slept with her the night before, but really now. I think she was his uber driver! Who knows?

I've walked his dogs with mine three days last week and he paid me for it, which was nice and has paid for my entry for a couple of comps too.
He still claims he is going at the end of May - so his last comp is this weekend. I wish it wasn't the case. We will see. I booked a hotel room, to pay later just in case.

Went to pub with boys to watch the Charlton playoff game and then last game of season and now I have that uneasy nagging feeling about how much I spent and how little I have coming in.....

So last weekend I was down at Hampshire getting horribly burnt at our first outdoor flyball comp of the year. Dog ran well and we got a 1st place, moving up to a different team for next weeks comp.

Work continues to be crap, it was hellish most of this week as I had nothing to do but the boss sat behind me. I'm so bored of asking for extra stuff to do!
I had an interview for part time bar work Good Friday but didnt get anywhere. Would have been nice to top up a little.

Anyway. Things with FWB carry on, We did a 13 mile walk over Easter Monday. I went over Saturday to help him try to make a dog bed. There were comments about how we could be doing other things if I hadn't had had a strop.
Didn't like my counter about how he shouldn't have gone on a date then. People told me I should be offended about this, that he's using it to string me along? I saw it as banter? Who knows?

I'm looking after his dogs for a week, possibly two as he needs to go back to Vietnam.

I have nothing else worth talking about at the moment.

I'm doing so bad at this, this year!

Anyway. He's now back from Vietnam. We had a bit of clear the air chats, he apologised if he ever did anything to lead me on. I explained it wasn't so much that, but the constant messaging every day that confused me a bit.
I dont speak to anyone on a virtual daily basis. He was a bit surprised by that and said that he spoke to most of his closest friends nearly every day.
Anyway that's fine between us. I swapped him a Skygo login for his BTsports (so happy about that?! How good was the Spurs/City Champ league game last night?)

He had a major falling out while he was away with some of the flyball lot, banter got out of hand. He's had it coming to himself for a long while and I've told him that. He's threatening now to quit flyball, which A) will piss me majorly as it's a ballache sorting accomodation out for that Champs and I was really looking forward to the camper van fun that we had booked. B) I'll miss the silly sod if he does go, we are good mates!

Trying to up the ante on dogs fitness for the champs. A couple of nice long walks and the first outdoor one of the season is this weekend down in Hampshire.

TMWMITW's court case got settled - close to a million payout! Of course nothing coming my way. I have an interview tomorrow in one of the nice bars in Blackheath Village, I'm hoping that I can get 10 hours or so a week to top up my wages, fit in around everything else and pay off the debt now that its more clear than ever that I'm not getting anything from them.
I've taken out a new credit card and used it to do a balance transfer to another which has paid off just over half of it, of course I'm aware its not solved any problem but at least there's no interest on this other card while I try and clear both and there will be less interest now on the other one so should help and of course if I can get this bar work (which I have to thank FWB for) that will help as well. Not counting chickens of course. My life is so disastrous I may well end up losing this job!
I had considered applying for an IVA but I think I'd rather try and do it myself than ruin my credit rating further and still be paying loans off and being on a restricted budget that they give me. So fingers crossed I can make tomorrow work out somehow - even if its only for the summer, a few extra quid will go a long way!!
Still trying to sort out the claims for the payday loans I took out, not much hope in persuing them but we'll give it a go, again even if I only get a 100 or so back, its money I didn't have before!

Work remains the same. I've been on my own virtually all week with very little to do, which is why I'm doing this now!

We're chatting but definitely cool compared to how it was before. Looking forward to him going away, although i'm insanely jealous. Still think the distance will do us world of good as I did get a bit eaten up on Thursday knowing he was with this girl.

I think my days at this job are numbered. I've given myself the goal of getting out by end of the month. It's good that I've never really been given much to do as that means I can spend a lot of time job hunting!

Applied for a few bits and pieces, we'll see.

I got a puncture Friday night leaving the yard. I was really scared, never had one before and never had someone show me what to do. Brat was his usual helpful self. Ended up getting a friend from flyballs husband to come out for the rescue. I hate asking people for help! But I think I have a rough idea now how to do it myself, gonna ask him to show me again at a show in the summer so I can do it myself.

I went out Saturday night with a friend from flyball, we had a trip to the Shard (amazing view) and a really nice meal. I was supposed to be going out after with the girls from where I used to work but they ended up bailing really late on!
Rubbish and I have blisters from walking around Borough market in heels.

I bought some proper nice flavoured wine though, me and FWB have confirmed the camper again (wise? who knows?) and book marked the wine merchants website so I can buy some more and put it away for the champs.

Whoops
Bad habits.
Anyway. Last Monday I slept with FWB. It's the last time. I had a bit of a blind date on Saturday and I spent more time wondering how he would take it, than actually interacting with this guy.
Yesterday we were talking and he mentioned that he had told a friend about our arrangement. Didnt like that. Felt that he was boasting and laughing about me.
About 30 seconds later he told me he was going on a date Thursday (tomorrow).
Definitely didnt like that. Battled with it all today and finally sent him an email explaining how I felt, that I'm worried I'm starting to catch feelings.
I dont know what I expected. Yes it would have been nice if he said he felt the same.
I knew deep down he didnt. I wasnt surprised. I need to give myself some time now and get over it. Tha fully he is going to Vietnam to work for a few weeks so with the time difference, and today we probably wont talk much if at all.
I'm pleased with myself for doing this. Its helped me move on massively from Welshy and now I get to say i have two ex's! (Even if it's not really true!).
He's an arrogant, immature prat and I knew we'd make better mates than fuck buddies.
And I still get to count that very first night as a one night stand!!!
Yeah! Go me!

Turns out I did have a flu type bug. Tired, a achey, hot and cold. Yuck. Took couple of days off work and now left with bruised ribs and cough.

Hardly rode cos of it. Went to FWB on Tuesday
 Supposedly for sex, but we ended up watching spurs game. He also told me Wednesday I was welcome over any time for football if it was BT sport as I don't have that.
Planned a dog walk, and alright he was pissed Friday night but he invited me over then as it was easier to go from his. Turned out it wasn't as I went and collected another friend but nice anyway. And yes we did have sex this time, I also fancied it again when I woke and he was asleep and he didn't take kindly to how I woke him up for it! Ooops! Haha!

I won tickets in the ballot for the euro semi nations thing so me and J are off to Porto in June!! Be a laugh, although acutely aware last time we were out, he was a bit too touchly feely for someone supposedly just a mate!!!

I know, I know. So easy to let this slip.

I actively dislike my job I hate doing nothing. It's living the dream but I need to be doing more.
Started applying for some other things. I need to get out before I start settling and letting my standards slip.

Horse has been going really well, dog has been going well. Adventures with FWB have ground to a halt really, only slept together twice this month. Not seen him much more than that. His dogs have had kennel cough and I can't risk going there in case it spreads to mine. He is off to work in Vietnam for a couple of weeks soon. Let's see what happens there.

Started new fitness regime for dog. I want to get her running at 4.7 speeds, we did it once before and can get 4.9's out of her. Today we moved to a faster team and our times were between 5.3 and 5.5 but that's me and my changes and I can work on this, hopefully with aid of fitness regime and the days getting longer.

Mother and TMWMITW flew ba k from the states today. They had done a 5 week road trip. I drove to Gatwick to meet them for dinner, full of their adventures. It was alright.

My chicken has started laying eggs! Very excited although 4 eggs a week is slightly more than I wish to eat! Dog has been getting one a week and I took a couple over to an old lady the other day as well. Be alright when it comes to baking days, will just save them up!

I had a massive clear out of my room yesterday, although it's still a shit heap and I was so tired, I ended up asleep by 9.30. It's nearly 9 now and I'm already in bed!!!
Feel quite drained, hope I'm not coming down with a bug.
Promise to do better with this next week!

Last week was dog comp on Sunday. Got in late and didn't feel like doing this.

Work remains boring but bearable. I have an interview on Thursday for a part time role in a charity in Greenwich. It's 3 days a week that I can't live on, but I'm going in case there a hope it can become 4 days. If it does the money would be the same as what I get for doing 5 days now so who would be the winner?!

FWB situation remains the same. He made a comment about us travelling together, as well as us making plans for dog show this summer and camping again in the van together.
Tonight made comment about needing a fulltime gf. Made me a bit sad if I get benched, i do like our arrangement.
Went there Thursday and then we took our dogs for a walk Saturday.

And in two paragraphs that has summed up the last two weeks!!!

This week at work has been a bit more bearable, or maybe I've just come to terms with the crappiness of it all.
Decided if I'm going to be there past the probation I will ask to finish at 4.30 but get feet under table first.
Had two really nice rides on V this week and dog ran well at agility and also scored more 4.9's today.
Had a quickie with FWB - first in a month! On Thursday.
Tuesday would have been Dad's 60th and yesterday was 5 years since Granddad died and would have been 13 years with Welshy. All the shit always happens in Jan! Next terrible marker is sacking day!

Moving on and let's see what the next week brings. Have dog show next Sunday *touch wood* she continues to do really well.

So first blog of 2019.

I dislike my new job. It's boring. I'm making health and safety documents. I counted one for shits and giggles. It's 236 pages. It takes 5 hours of copying and pasting for this to be done. It's an office where we work and not talk.
I want to escape. If only I had savings I would do and stay at home and keep on looking.
As it is, I'm just pinning my hopes on what I've already applied for and others that I did yesterday. Resigned to bring here for January at least.

Think positive. Good things.
Dog ran well in training. Consistent 4.9 times, I ran FWB's dog to get my eye in and she ran well. We've agreed to get a van together again should we qualify for the champs this year and agility starts again Thursday.
Only managed to ride Friday this week but it was a really good session.
My headspace is good about FWB, I've had some distance from the people who put the other thoughts into my head and I'm no longer curious about the is it more thoughts. It's not.

Hmm. I enjoyed Newport beating Leicester in the FA cup today. That made me happy.

One more thing it is somehow 13 years today since we got thst call to to go to the hospice and prepare for the inevitable. Crazy.

So 2018. What a year.
I started last Christmas absolutely heartbroken at being made to say goodbye to Welshy and part of me is still overawed that someone I spoke to every day for nearly 13 years is now a stranger and it's been a whole year since we spoke.
I miss him, I miss the friendship but the more time passes I wonder why I put up with him for so long, but he had his faults as we all do and I'll never forget him being there all those times I felt completely alone in the world.
I lost my Lolly too. I miss him a hell of a lot, it knocked me for 6 a little. There have been so many deaths in the history of this blog but I guess him being so close in age makes it worse.

I got made redundant, I wouldn't have minded rotting at the community centre although some of the staff were cunts. I made good friends and I hope we stay in touch.

I started a new job. It could have been everything I wanted but it was mis sold to me. I start another new job on the 2nd but not looking forward to it. I want to go back into charity work and that will be a goal for next year.

The horse has been amazing, the fun ride I did in May gave me so much more confidence to go out and pull up my brave pants with her.

The dog has had her moments this year. What with three vet bills and nearly dying. But she ran like a trooper at the flyball finals and has been my best mate and shoulder to cry on.

FWB - wow! Who'd have thought I'd be in that situation? Whatever it is, it's been fun.

So goals for 2019?

1. Get a job back in charity sector, ideally doing more suitable hours.
2. I want to travel more. I have plans for at least two other countries this year.
3. Carry in sorting my shit out money wise. This month of no money is not brilliant, but at least I know I have income coming in again soon.
4. Ideally resolve this situation with FWB, last year My goal was to not end 2018 single. Well I'm still single, but at least I'm getting regular sex and the attention I'm getting from the dating apps gives me a little confidence and self esteem.

And now it's time to tell 2018 to fuck off and hope 2019 is going to be fucking awesome!!

It's been a good week. Christmas passed reasonably well. I caught up with FWB day after Boxing Day and we took our dogs to Lullingstone.
I decided to give that online dating shit a go and joined up and have been messaging a few people. Hearts not really in it though.
I met up L and that was nice and then the day after I met up with a couple of the girls from Flyball. I told one of them about FWB. She warned me of all the things I know, he will bench me, don't get hurt etc. It was good hear what I know in my head rather than the dramatic "but he spent Xmas eve with you!!! It must mean something!!!" I got from one of my other friends.
Anyway. Yesterday I took one of his dogs out on a fucking long 13.6 mile walk and both my dog and I have had a duvet day today recovering! He has had quite a bad bout of flu. Burnt out I guess as he chases the money too much, so asked me to take his one as well so she could get out. I came back and he made me dinner and we watched the Man U game together which was nice and then I came home.
Spending tonight alone as always and riding tomorrow. Feel like taking dog on a long walk as I'm back to work on the second.
Will do another post summing up 2018 now

Ha! The Brat asked me last night when I was going out, as he's obviously more observant than I thought.
I didn't go out, wasn't invited. No probs, happy watching Olympia on the telly!
We met up today and did some agility and flyball practice with our dogs and he paid for my meal, all lovely you'd think until he confessed that he was kinda hoping I'd have forgotten our plan to meet! Offended!

Came home, a lovely couple of ladies I know from dog walking have clubbed together to get me a present. I'm not opening it! Not till tomorrow, just so I can have something to open!
Plan as always is that I will be alone, as always finding this time of year tough. Will go ride though, so that's something.
And meeting Lovely L later this week as he is down from Hull and out with some of the girls from flyball Friday night so very much looking forward to those nights.

Thank God. Sometimes you need to ignore female advice and go straight to the horses mouth and ask the boys.
So MV has also a fuck buddy, he treats her exactly the same, maybe not talking every day, but regularly and she stays over on occasion.
Well now I'm relieved that I can keep feelings under check and I know this is normal so I can stop wondering!

Went to a part time interview today, job I really wanted despite shit money. Thought it going well until I realised that they were working from an old cv that I'd uploaded several years previous! I went home and checked and I had uploaded the right one. Of course I didn't get the job because of this but at least it stops another internal dilemma!!

Dear God what is wrong with me?? I need to get my head in the game. Today FWB said that an ex had been messaging him. She's blonde, slim, far too into tanning.
He thinks she's hot. Personally I think the nutter one I met at agility is better looking.
I'm not jealous. I'm constantly preparing for the day this all comes crashing down and I can stop acting like a crazed 14 year old wondering what is going on.
Remember in Jane Eyre when she scolded herself for having fallen for Mr Rochester and she forced herself to draw herself warts and all and draw Blanche Ingram as she is. Guess modern day equivalent of that is Facebook!
Urgh. I'm pathetic. Starting to get the Xmas mopes which isn't helping my head.

Accepted that job, feel sick at the thought of it but need money. Am going for interview tomorrow to do supporter care in a charity which is what I really want but it's only 15 hours a week and I can't live on that.

Told mothership I was currently inbetween roles, she only cared that I posted TMWMITW's new bank card asap tomorrow. Double urgh.

Had a busy week applying for jobs, Xmas flyball meal and then Talk about a headfuck!!
So I went to FWB last night, and a good night was had, he treated me to pizza and raspberry vodka.
We watched independence day. He said he didn't care, whether I stayed or went and that he didn't care each time I came.
What to take from that?
Anyway he fell sleep leaning on me, I wasn't drunk but well aware I was a long way over the drink drive limit so sensibly put myself away to bed.

Had an interview today, easy enough job, knew it was mine when I left and it has been offered but I didn't like it. Didn't get good vibes. What to do???
Probably best to take and keep looking??
And what to do about FWB?? I need to get really drunk, I think as that's the only way I'll get the courage, and ask him outright!
Just don't want to risk losing what is a good deal!!

Boom!! And just like that, my life gets turned upside down again.
My boss gave me my review on Monday. He realised that there's not enough work for me to do office wise every day and that I'm not enjoying the practical side of it.
So my hours are cut to one day a week, and we're financially fucked again.
Got very despondent Monday, cried a bit and wished I'd never left the museum and tried to better myself.
Pulled myself together Tuesday, rode, redid my cv and cracked in. FWB bless him has sent my cv around and offered to pay me to walk his dogs rather than a dog walker twice a week.

Gonna go see the agency I got the forum gig with on Tuesday and hopefully they will get me something.
Met FWB's ex again this week, chatted with her a bit more. He said she lied about 40% of what she told me. Also learned she's apparently partial to a bit of coke which also added to their breakup and adds more reasoning behind his behaviour. Not that I'm making excuses for that.

Went down to Winchester for a comp and came back this morning. I'd already paid for 2 nights non refundable hotel or I'd have cancelled altogether to save my petrol money and tried to get the hotel fee back.
Still - ate for free one night in the harvester and we got a 2nd place so it was ok I guess!!
Supposed to be doing an office day tomorrow so we will see!

Literally spoken every day. Went over Saturday, was invited over today but yeah I chose to nap instead!
Stayed up till 1am talking Friday and then Saturday I had a meal with some of the dog walkers.
Not sure if one of them hit on me or just a compliment when he told me, if he wasn't married he'd make a play for me out of the blue.
Anyway. Met FWB's ex at agility. She's clearly not over it, left the class early to go talk to him. He messaged me to find out why I shot off, when normally I watch him do a run or two.
Apparently he dumped her as she was a compulsive liar.
Currently I'm listening to the on her voice that tells me I mean nothing to him and that I think is the sensible one to listen too!
Was pleased with Dog at both that and flyball, we have last comp of the year next week, a stay away one in Hampshire which should be fun.
Other news, think I've done all my Xmas shopping!! Unprecedented levels of organisation!

So he told me he wanted "alone time" so that's cool. Then the next message was asking me to come over but to know it would be a flying visit. I had nothing better to do so did.
He then repented of being rude and offered me a glass of wine before I left, I refused and literally took him straight upstairs, did what was needed and went straight home again.
I resolved not to bother him, after all I wouldn't talk to my friends every day as we have done so, the last week. And technically that's what we are.
He messaged me first yesterday and carried on until he declared he needed his "alone time". I didn't bother to reply saying bye or anything. I was in the bath, trying to read, you see and messing with a beeping phone and a book was clearly only going to lead to disaster.
Barely 15 minutes passed before he sent me a smilie. I just sent one back and cracked on with my evening.
Again left him to it. He's been beeping up my phone most of the evening, telling me he was going home early. Sending me videos of his Alexia programmed magic light bulbs and other inanities.
It's amusing more than exasperating. I feel like I'm too old for this nonsense and yet I know he'd throw a hissy fit if I tried to push for answers.
Tbh I don't know what the answer is, however this Charby is not the Charby who started blogging 15 odd years ago and it is water off of a ducks back.
I don't know if he likes me, but is now pushing back a little, if I'm reading too much into the nothing situation or what.
I'm live-blogging it as it amuses me and is a good diversion from a currently mundane little existence
 when I read this back in years to come, it will be fun to read.

Not too bad a week in terms of the trees. Did climb a 25ft scaffold to help decorate a large tree and spent most of the week doing that. Not much bloody fun in the icy cold i can tell you!!

I think that's all done now, in terms of me helping with trees. I get to spend Monday working from home and I have my fingers crossed that I can do the same on Tuesday!

I love working from home! I get so much done around the house and work wise as well. And if it means I can sneak off and go ride Tuesday that's even better!!!

Away from work it's been a casual old week, spoken to FWB pretty much every day, he asked me back over Monday but I was already in bed and again yesterday morning but I was just about to take Dog to Physio. Hoping there's still time to arrange a visit tonight - and yes I'm not gonna pretend - I'd like to stop over again although realistically, I don't think so!

Saw him anyway last night when we had a flyball night out bowling which was loads of fun! 

Spent today mostly having duvet day with Dog watching the Sri Lankan cricket team collapse and the football all day. Lovely, lazy Sunday! 

Very tired. Went to watch David Attenborough at FWB. We drank a bottle of vodka and as I was obviously in no fit state to drive the 25 minutes back down the A2, I stayed over. Good night and morning lol!
God I've forgotten what it's like to be held by someone and cuddle up to them. It was nice.
He made the point of how it was all casual and we're mates and I know and yet..... I can't work out if I'm reading too much into a situation that he has honestly and frankly kept me in the loop over.
He messages me out of the blue to ask my opinion on sofas, to tell me how excited he is at new slippers, people that know us comment on when we are going to give into the tension  between us (if only they knew although they all suspect it), he tries to get my attention at dog things by putting worms on me, or insulting me in the group chat, strangers ask often if we are together and- well one story doesn't prove anything but I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else at the moment.
He's a joker and a bit immature but kind although also hard-hearted so I have no doubts that he has it in him to just use me for sex, but when he calls me endearing names and ruffles my hair or shows up to things that he knows I'm at, I can't help but wonder who is really fooling who.

Anyway. Enough of that nonsense. We are keeping ourselves grounded and reminding ourselves of the rules of the game and I WILL not allow myself to fall for him and get hurt.

Been a week of Christmas tree installations at work. At one of the hotels they were a base camp for tennis players at the ATP finals. Saw Jamie Murray, Federer and Djokovic walk past.

Dog all better now although we infected another team dog so all had to pull out of the comp yesterday - as it happened it worked out well for me because of the above and dog and I had a really nice long walk around Shorne and surrounding countryside.

Urgh. I am very tired now. I want to go to bed

Did end up going to FWB not long after doing last week's update, hung out for a couple of hours too, lot nicer than the quick dash in and out its been the last few weeks.
He was trying to make me watch something called "50 first dates" and made a joke that I needed to go on that. Annoyed me and also I don't want him thinking I only have him (although that's true!) So made up a story on the spot about actually how I'd been out the night before on a date to watch fireworks.
Ha. Take that div.
He then told me how the previous night he'd had a girl over who had been a bit casual touchy feely and he'd kicked her out. Someone definitely had been over as I had nicked their fruity cider and I know he doesn't drink that stuff.
Read into that what you like, he's always been honest about other girls he's had over or slept with etc so I see no reason for him to lie about that but does that answer one of your questions a week back H2?
Wonder if I'll get another message later, he better not want me to go out and miss the start of the newest David Attenborough.
I went out last night to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I really enjoyed it, it seemed to have his mannerisms down perfectly. Kinda regret not being able to go to a Queen concert and wondering how shit the one with Adam Lambert would be.
Haven't been able to do to much with Dog this week as she came down with kennel cough which was disgusting! Dog flem everywhere and constant coughing. She's over the worst now fortunately but I'm still wary of her around other dogs as she's still got a bit of a cough. 100 quid that cost me for medicines! Bloody animal!

Also bought a henhouse as it seems the chicken is staying perminantly now.  Getting quite fond of the silly thing, it likes sitting on My lap getting cuddled and likes to try and get in the house.
Went to Bromley yesterday as couldn't take dog out and supposedly to shop for Xmas presents. Yeah. Ended up buying myself presents! Epic fail!!

Let's see what this week brings!

No sex this week. Sad times. Hardly heard from him actually. Poor sod is mega busy with work. At least I'm sure that's all it is. Either that or my little fling is over.

Oldies still here, still annoying with heating in 24/7 And eating all my food and not replacing like for like.
Funeral is tomorrow then they go again Tuesday.
Work - had a bit of a falling out with the girl who's van I sit in most days. She randomly as she does, decided to give me a day off. I hate this. I do feel bad about it. It's not like I work for a large faceless organisation where it doesn't matter.
And he literally lives a 5 min walk from me, so I am trapped indoors trying to find something to do and when I inevitably bump into him in the evening I then find myself lying.
Why can't I just do my scheduled 8.30-4 in the office and not get up at stupid o clock to sit in a van for several hours?
She didn't get it. Thinks she's doing me a favour. We silently agreed to disagree.

Dog ran well today. I'm limited now clocks changed as to how much I can exercise her so my goal is to try and keep her fitness at a 5.2/5.1 level  in July I'd have been over the moon with those times and hopefully after clocks change it will be easier to increase her fitness and try to break that 5 second barrier again.

Did a few jumps today riding. Slowly built up a little triple, with a bounce fence and a stride then jump. Rather untidy, but more practice and hopefully I can get a grid up of 4 bounce fences!

Poor cow died not long after posting last week. Gotta see if I can get the funeral off. I feel like I should attend.
The most shocking thing of all is that The Brat actually has thawed in his attitude towards TMWMITW and actually spoke to him! Twice! Is it too much to hope that from this they can start to build, if not a friendship but civility?

Busy week here as always, fitting in riding, work agility class. We have just come back from a flyball comp where I looked after FWB's dog as well and ran her. Both dogs got 2nd places.

Hmm. Also maybe some thawing there in his attitude? He messaged me stupidly early Saturday morning - as in before 7am stupid! - I'd said you see, that I would go and help set up for the comp and he then also volunteered his time.
I rode and then didnt see point of travelling 40 minutes home, to turn around and go again but also didn't wanna be there too long. So I asked him if he fancied a visitor and I hung out while he pottered about and moaned about work lol!
I did get paranoid later in the day that he hadn't wanted me there and if I'd been a bother but he said no so that's ok. It's so odd. I want to hang out with him like I do my other boys but at same time I fear his commitmentphobe brain going into overdrive.

Anyway I made a diversion there this morning. Ha. He left the door on the latch for me and I just wandered straight in and up to where he was still lazing in bed. Felt a bit like I was breaking and entering.

Anyway I'm sure I have more to blog about but I'm tired so I'm away to bed.

Very sad. The girl that is my stepsister is dying, there is a massive growth in her ovary and it's spread to other parts. Her kidneys shut down yesterday and now it's just a matter of time. I hope it's peaceful.

It really messed with my mind a bit, same as when lolly went with the stroke. How can you be walking about one day and then life destroyed the next?

The girl has a horse. TMWMITW wants me to have it. I cannot afford it. I might not be suitable for it. I might not have the time for it. Trying to remain strong and not let my inner 12 year old that still dreams of a pony in the garden at Christmas to start whispering in my ear.

A reasonable week at work, Wednesday was good. I finished about 3 and same Thursday. I got a sneaky day off Friday which is good as I drove the Mothership over to Slough to the hospital - supposedly a 3 hour round trip. Took me 7. Yay for the m25.

Agility was good with the dog, bit more focussed this week. Went away quite pleased.

Busy day yesterday with walks for the dog plus her hydrotherapy appointment and then I shot off to see One Night Stand Guy.

Hoping for an easy week next week. I have Monday off and a sneaky Tuesday, I need to sort out a card for the old lady at flyball who looks after me lol and then I have drinks with the girls where I used to work on Friday (hoping for a sneaky early finish!) And then cakes to make and a flyball comp Sunday. Am running One Night Stand Guys dog as well as my own.

I should adopt a new nickname for One Night Stand Guy as it's starting to turn into a regular thing. Perhaps FWB (Friend With Benefit)?

Managed three(!!) Days in the office this week!
The beagle and lurcher came to stay on Wednesday and are going home tomorrow.

Was meant to go to One Night Stand Guys place Thursday but time got in the way. Whizzed round this morning! Think he was either offended/amused that I then shot off again without saying goodbye! In my defence he was on the phone and I had to get back for flyball training!

Agility training was frustrating. Hero is very distracted by the surface for some reason, although it's a riding arena and nothing there should be new to her!! She also got worried about doing the seesaw!

The girl I guess is now my stepsister collapsed on Thursday. Turns out she has a large tumour in her ovaries and it's spread. Doesnt sound good TMWMITW flew back Saturday and I'm awaiting a summons anyday from the mothership to collect her as well!!

Let's see what Monday brings for us all!!

Another week where I just spend Monday in the office and the rest of the week tootling in the van. I am not a fan of these early get ups at all.
I've decided that I'm giving myself till end of Jan If I'm not in the office fully by then I'm looking elsewhere. Originally it was going to be Xmas but then I realised it was gonna be mega busy with Xmas trees and shit so deffo not in office by then!!

Although it was made a little better this week as despite a Friday start of 6am I was back at home by 9.30. So I napped, walked dog and then had a gorgeous ride in the woods in the sunshine.

Dog did well at both agility and flyball and went for a water therapy session to help fitness and act as a physio session for muscles.

This morning I had a request to go to One Night Stand Guys place and I did so. We slept together but it was a bit different to before and that's all I'm saying on the matter!!

Getting ready for another week at work now. Hey ho.

Starting to get a bit annoyed with just sitting in the van helping with maintainence. Especially with London traffic making it so I am late home for the dog.

Still I have tomorrow in the office and maybe Tuesday as well although I think I will probably end up on the road again after that for the week. I dont really get how I am supposed to learn how to do the office stuff if I am only there every so often?! I mean I've been at the job 5 weeks now and only spent a total of 3 days so far in there?

Anyway it's fine. Better than being unemployed!

One Night Stand Guy messaged me and we met up with his dog for agility - annoyingly she was better than mine and has already been promoted to another class.

Mine is also running shit and slow again which makes me sad but what can you do? I'm doing my best to work on her fitness but hard when at work all the time!

Went out last night as it would have been L's birthday. Much drinks. Came home at 4.30 and then went up early for dog and horses. Struggled this morning haha!

I dunno. A guy started chatting to me, was a bit too keen, too young, had a kid, I wasn't interested in him. In the club later another guy - one of my good friends J, I guess we are a bit flirty together when drunk, its never been anything though other than playing but last night.... I felt he was trying to move on past that. You know you kinda get that 6th sense that the situation has changed?
Maybe cos he was so drunk and I was the only single female (who was also straight!) there. Not interested in him.
I don't even know what's wrong with me. I can't get with any of my friends as I know them too well, chatting to strangers fills me with alarm as I can't cope with not knowing the situation.
So am I still in love with Welshy? I don't even know. I can go odd days now without thinking about him.
Am I in love with One Night Stand Guy? No. Attracted to him yes, do I want a relationship with him? No. He's in a unique category of being another one of my male friends, but one of the ones I don't mind doing stuff with where as I can't even picture it with any of the others.
I need help lol!!

Another hardcore week out and about doing things! Watering, deadheading, sweeping, fiddling.
Got to finish at half 11 though on Friday, pretty goddam pleased about that!
Did the horse early which is always good. Dog started agility class, just learning jumps and the introduction of weaving poles, jumps she obviously found easy although I need to get her to realise that its not about doing thing a million miles an hour like flyball!
Went to a same-sex wedding last night - lots of free wine, dancing and fun. Mild wine headache this morning which took a long time to wear away!

Still no sign of my tortoise in the garden and im starting to really worry that i've lost the bugger for good.

He wanted me to come over Monday night, I refused. I'm not at his beck and call and Gravesend is a long way away, I was busy. I've been fairly busy all week, riding, had my redundancy party from the old place, been on site visits again all this week, started agility lessons with the dog.
I don't want to drag her along with me, she's a pain as much as I love her. So I said how about this weekend. I refuse to bring it up with him though and say how about me coming over. I will not beg for it.
I got Friday off - yay! - Did the horse early, went up to London and did the latest exhibit at the NHM and then over to Foyles and bought a couple of books, I took back a couple of bottles of wine from the party and have chilled out reading and drinking.
I've tidied the garden and filled up two more wheely bins - lady next door still moaning about the state of the garden which depressed me a bit.
4 in the space of a fortnight is pretty good going in my book especially when you consider everything else going on!

Not a lot else to report this week. Lets see what next week brings.

Been a busy and hectic week at work - been off doing all the site visits and helping to maintain them - not really sure I do too much in the way of helping - more deadheading and hoping for best and occasionally weeding and watering - fuck me though my sweeping skills are coming in strong here!
Early starts, not good for a person who loves their sleep but its only for another week and there's the strong possibility of Friday off and I can roll with that!!!

I dont want to discuss One Night Stand Guy too much on here - but I'm curious about it all, we speak often, almost every day, he messaged me Wednesday really excited as he'd literally just found out he's been offered the chance to apply for a massive, massive contract.
Is this something that fuckboys do? None of my real, close male friends would be in that position ever but I can't imagine me being one of the first people they turn to, to tell such things.

It's a weird one. I don't want to read too much into it. When we meet and say goodbye I want to hug him like I would all my friends but something holds me back, is it fear that he'd read too much into it himself?
And how do I really feel about him? Yes I'm attracted to him. I won't allow myself to fall for him and i'm pretty clear that he is only out for one thing from me which helps me to remain strong.
He is a nice distraction from Welshy and that's the main thing.

Car got fucked - needs a new door - goodbye to first pay cheque!

Annoyed with the Brat as always and his lack of help around the house and slightly concerned as I put the tortoise into the garden last week and haven't seen him since!! Am sure he's just in the weeds somewhere but.... yeah.... come out of hiding soon!!

Starting agility classes with the dog this week, be something to help keep her fit over the winter I guess!!

So again we need to catch up. My super busy August is over now and I can take stock of what has happened and regroup.
So I went to Mothers Wedding. I went for the shortest amount of time, but the return flight still cost me just under 500 quid.
And the car needed work doing on it for the MOT. Sad times. Goodbye Redundancy Money.
She wasn't as stressed as I feared although she did get up at 1am to start baking the wedding cake.
The wedding/commitment ceremony itself took place in the evening.
His daughter was there, I'd never met her and she clearly was in no mood to speak to me or be my friend. I was told by her that I had to sit at their table so I did and when it became apparent that she wasn't going to talk to me, I turned to the old man sat next to me. Still have no idea who he was to this day.
Introduced myself, put my hand out. He looked at me, at my hand and said nothing.
Wasn't really much I could do about the evening so I got merrily drunk. There was a very good looking guy there (think 90;s surfer look) unfortunately covered in tattoos which reduced him from a clear 9 to a 2 out of 10 at best.
Is it wrong that in my drunken state I may have told this to One Night Stand?
He was at his own wedding (not his to be clear, a wedding of a cousin) He tried to one up me. Did he sleep with someone else or is it put on? I've been told that he's not as successful as he likes to make out. I kinda sense some truth in this but its not really something I can ask him!!!
Anyway, I kinda knew where it was leading and I ended up going to his once I got back from Gatwick, we watched the football, we drank wine. We went upstairs and then watched the 3rd Men in Black film and I left when he was falling asleep on the sofa.
Do I feel bad/ashamed of all this? No. Maybe I should but I know where I stand and he's already become like another one of my boys, except I don't do the things I do with him with the other boys!!!
Dog did flyball this morning and ran well. got some more 4.9's although back to 5.3's when I raced in a team which is slightly annoying!
Back to work tomorrow and time to really settle in on the new job!

Been so busy and been such a slacker with this!

So as last mentioned I went up to Glossop to see my Godparents. Lots of walks for Hero, lovely to catch up and see them.
Then down to the flyball championships with a quick pit stop to visit H2 and a stop at Spondon Asda! Oh my god it seems a lifetime ago since we were there - 5 of us stuck in CL's Fiat chequinto.
One Night Stand and I had hired a camper van together - was I hoping something might happen between us? Yes to be honest.
Did anything happen - No. Am I disappointed? Not really. We had a lovely time, I outdrank him most of the time and it was nice to hang out.
- yes I do toy with the idea of seeing if he's up for a repeat performance but I'm not going to lower myself to that. (also don't think I'd like the rejection if it did happen!)
Really pleased as our team pulled a result out of the bag and we took 3rd place, overall the club took a 1st, 2nd and 4th place as well, so good adventure and already plans ahead for next year!
Shot home late on Sunday and had L's funeral Monday. I still can't quite believe it. I gave a speech. I cried. I caught up with the boys and had several drinks.
Tuesday started the new job and its that whole bit of being daunted, am I doing the right thing? Am I annoying by asking too many questions? Do they think I'm being slow at what i'm doing? Do they regret taking me on?

Hopefully in a months time i'll be more settled and in a flow a bit more.

Thursday (told you its been full on!!) I did a talk at a council meeting to try and save the field. It was a done deal really. We saw paperwork saying that unless the rugby club got what they wanted they were pulling out. The woman Chair was a bit of a Hitler and I lost my temper with her a bit and told her she was a rude bitch. - Probably didnt help matters to go in our favour (holds head in hands).

Saturday I went and helped muck out 13 boxes - the lady who owns the yard broke her leg and is in hospital. Mother had volunteered me to book plane tickets for a friend of hers who came around and Sunday we were at our last competition of the year.

Bloody hell is my dog fit now? She used to be a solid 5 second dog - anything from 5.3-5.7 seconds.
She got several 5.1, a 5.0, 4.9, and a smattering of 4.7's which is a HUGE drop in flyball times. (just as an idea the lane is 51 foot and includes a total of 8 nine inch high jumps, she also does a 33 foot run up to get to the start).
Super pleased and now wondering how I'm going to keep this up and hopefully improve it!!

Multibreed today and she was tired but the one time I did get to see she got a 5.3 so pleased with that.

Car in for service and MOT and then i'm off to the Wedding of the Year in Grotty... Mother is now Bridezilla. I'm glad i'm out for as short a time as possible!

He died before I could see him on Thursday. L which stood for his nickname - Lolly - Chris to use his real name. Somehow its hit me harder than a lot of the previous deaths. He was so gentle, such a gentleman, a year younger than me. Hard to get my head around.

I lost my shit Thursday night too. A woman, my mums age. She had been winding me up for months, claiming to be his friend, but yet where was she? how comes she never visited when she only works 3 days a week, and the ROG is a 15 minute walk from his rehab unit. She text him every day. Bollocks I say, he didnt need texts, he got depressed and down and he needed friends. His family couldn't get there every day. He was in the hospital and rehab on his own with only his own thoughts.
When she found out, she put it on facebook, before anyone knew, before his family had a chance to tell people.
I'm being a bit hypocritical here. I found out at lunch and I rang a few people, people that wouldn't find out any other way. G who came on all those Thursday visits, L up in Hull. A couple of people from the museum that I knew I could trust to keep the news quiet.
But to broadcast it on Facebook. No. That was low in my eyes. It was his families right to tell the museum, to allow them to tell people.
I told her so, I called her scum, told her how dreadful I had found her behaviour, really let fly at her. Maybe some of it was grief expressing itself, but its two weeks on now and I don't regret it, she needed to know how wrong her behaviour was.

I got a new job that week too. For a man I see on a regular basis while walking my dog and he his, he works for a plant design company. Again something different! I will be doing admin though so hopefully it'll go ok. Closer to home ever so slightly, more money too.

Last Sunday I came home from Mull visiting TP and TJ. TP now thankfully all clear from the cancer. Mull was lovely, I went up on the FRiday night, the day after finding out about L and it was hard in parts, I kept thinking I'd tell him about castles I visited and collected leaflets for him.
But its always good to see them both and so many lovely long walks, Hero came too and she has never been so tired, bless her. Falling asleep sat up!

Home again and I had my last week at work. MY boss wasn't in so I took the piss completely, leaving at lunch time, calling in sick on Friday.

We did dog training today and I think there might have been a bit of a breakthrough speedwise with her. We're off to the UK Flyball Championships next week. I'm staying in a camper van with One Night Stand Guy and yeah. I'm hoping for something to happen between us, even a casual thing.

Before that though I'm visiting my Godparents Monday - Thursday. Not seen them since Nan's funeral so a few years now! They've not even met Hero! Looking forward to that as well!

It's been a full on three weeks! Hoping to report with some good news next weekend and on Monday 21st it's L's funeral which will be tricky to get through.....

So my friend Lolly. The one who had a stroke, the one I've visited every Thursday, watched him slowly, slowly learn to walk again and then watched go downhill again.
He went AWOL end of May, got cancer. Since then I've read messages and hoped, and hoped that my instincts were wrong. That it wasn't what I thought. That I was projecting those hateful memories of Dad onto him.
God I wanted so much to be wrong.
I wasn't wrong.
A friend M rang me Thursday. She'd heard stories about him going into a hospice.
We both tried to get hold of him and his brother. Friday night my fears were confirmed.
He has weeks, if not days. He didn't want to see anyone.
Heartbroken. I hated that I couldn't help him, couldn't see him. Needed to do something. As always I couldn't cry, forced myself to go do something.
Saturday afternoon I text his brother just to tell him that although I didn't understand what THEY were going through, I knew to a degree. That I respected their need for privacy but if they needed me, to get in touch.
He told me to visit. He said that Lolly was trying to protect us and would be overjoyed to see us.
So G and I went.
He was thin, painfully thin but I knew to expect that, still some padding about the face. Hard. So hard. So glad G was with me to bounce talk off of him.
He asked at one point if we knew why he was there. I said yes and that I had guessed a long time ago.
He was going to say more but we were disturbed by a nurse. He collected his thoughts and asked what I was saying. I panicked and thought that perhaps he didnt know so made up a story.
He said he was just there until they control the vomiting and diarrhoea.
Protecting us again.

I'm going to see him again on Thursday. No G this time so it will be hellish hard. 

Why am I going through this again? It's not fair and once again all I want to do is crawl under my duvet and cry, but something forces me on.
It's not fair on the most gentle, sweetest man I know. He needs a miracle.

Last day at work confirmed! Scary times - 10th of August. Applied for a few things with long expiry dates as away a fair bit with Mull and dog champs
I get three days to attend interviews etc, so I took advantage of that and had today off.
Went to see E on Saturday - think its the first time I've seen her since last Summer!!!

We took the Dog to Ashridge Forest and had a nice walk and catch up and possibly the biggest scone i've ever eaten

Dog training and riding, and then just chilling out. Been shortlisted apparently for a role in the city so we'll wait and see if that goes anywhere.
Still all a bit surreal that i'm actually going!!

So, here's what's going down.
We were offered redundancy or restructuring. I initially wanted to go down the new job route as very mindful of all that time off of work last time and being away most of August!
There are two roles going. One is for events supervisior - 22k a year, more grief, less support than I get now. No thanks.
Other is events coordinator, less hours, 1k a year less money, but I didnt think I'd be that bad off as I'd be paying less tax, NI, student loan etc.
So in my 2nd meeting, she starts telling me about over 140 candidates and how some of them were really strong, which immediately puts me off but I hand over my CV anyway thinking, well at least I know the place and clients.
I was told I had 24 hours to prepare a 10 minute interview talking about one of three topics, preparing marketing and financials. Well I can do marketing to a degree as I do it as one of my many roles now, but it'd be amateurish compared to someone who does it properly and I have no idea about financials!!

So with that as well as the knowledge that she had candidates that she couldn't wait to interview I decided it was a waste of everyone's time and told her I wanted to go for redundancy as well. She was physically shocked and recoiled when I told her!

So I've mostly spent the week doing my CV and applying for jobs.

Work don't realise all that I do, and will be so buggered when I go, refunds, bookings, alcohol licencing, the office training, the PAT testing and contractors I deal with, no one else even knows the bloody WIFI code!
Every time I think of it, I think its more and more ridiculous how they are really shooting themselves in the foot and I think they are starting to realise that as they have pushed the last meeting back to Tuesday as they feel "they are rushing us and we need more time to think"
I think that its too far down the line to stop - we are going now and good luck to the new person/persons!

Went out with the girls from work - remembered that girls can't drink a lot! Went to bed at 1.30 - woke up at 4.30 and drove to Reading for a dog show where we watched the football!
Is it coming home? I hardly dare to dream.....

And look! I'm already behind again! I've been offered redundancy at work. Well that or restructuring.

Gonna do the restructuring route. If I took redundancy its less than 1k, it'd start just before I go on holiday and then i'm a month behind in looking for work with no savings to fall back on.

Restructuring means a small pay cut, less hours and gives me that breathing space to get through my holiday and then start looking again for things.

Fuck sake Life. Can you just stop being a cunt for a bit? 

The problem with not blogging is then you fall out of the habit and then it's like a month later with no updates.
Work thing was shitty but not as bad as I feared. I did the fun ride and I had SO much fun, didn't really jump anything but that's ok we had some good canters and gallops and she didn't hare about out of control. Lots of love for her and its given me some extra confidence for hacking.
Managed to get out of the work fun day due to necessary works cancelling it. They did a sponsored bike ride today from London to Brighton. I was expected to go and watch. I didn't. Got better things to do with my Sunday (like watch the World Cup!)
How many world cups in this blogs existence? Brazil, South Africa, Germany. Think I started blogging sometime around the Japan and South Korea one.

One Night Stand Guy and I have been messaging a fair bit, just casual, friendly banter, a message or two most nights. Two weeks ago we stayed up chatting till quite late and I learned some things that possibly explain his fear of commitment.  Also learned that he has quite the typical fragile male ego! Bless. He's a nice guy really and it'd be very easy to start crushing on him but we're not playing that game any more!

L - Oh God i'm so worried about him. It's been 4 weeks now since he messaged to tell me that while in stroke rehab they discovered cancer in his bowels and lymph nodes. 4 weeks since I've seen him as he claims to be too tired.
He's gone home now. G messaged his brother as he thought maybe we'd upset him. L is weak, in lots of pain and doped up on morphine. I took the bat detector to lend to someone at the museum and they said that his line manager had phoned up his mum as always, only to have her rude and curt down the phone, saying (and this is where stories differ) two museum people tell me that she was told not to phone again, that she'd nearly lost L once and was preparing to lose him again.
Another friend, no longer at the museum tells me that his mum said not to call again as she'd got some bad news.

Spent Thursday convincing myself he was dying any minute and I'd not know, until he messaged me late on to tell me about an infection in his testicles. (really more detail than I ever needed to know)
Feel a bit more reassured now but I'd like to see him for myself to really put my mind at ease but so much harder now he's at his mam's to just drop around, even if he still was up for visitors!

That's all for now folks. I've had a lovely lazy weekend watching the football and now it's time to sort my life out for work again next week - One more week closer to my holiday and only 5 more sleeps until payday....

Oh god. Not looking forward to work tomorrow.

There was a man who booked a party for his kid a month or so back. Then he rang to admit he'd made a mistake with the date and asked if he could change it which I did. He then rang back a few weeks after that to see if he could change it back to the first date. I said he could and he said he was going to check with his wife and entertainer. I never heard back so left it at the changed date.
Well guess who showed up today which would have been the original date?
My boss panicked. Refunded the money and put him into a larger hall than he wanted. And she's a customer's always right person so i'm going to get into trouble tomorrow.

Dog did dog show this week, ran well. We were unlucky not to get a placing. Planning Flyball BBQ for next weekend and I've signed up to do a fun ride.
I think i'm gonna need it! Dreading tomorrow now. Absolutely dreading it.

Weirdly after my little bicker with One Night Stand guy we've been getting on better. I feel like the cool kids would have a term for this, but i'm just putting it down to having the awkward sex thing out of the way and now just being mates.
Dog has had three flyball comps in a row and has run appallingly at all of them. I was so angry yesterday I completely lost the plot and screamed at her.
I'm taking her to the vets (yet more bloody expense I can do without!) for a pain checkup just in case but I think it's sheer naughtiness.
L didn't want to see us last Thursday after all and when we went this Wednesday he was in a downer mood so that made it hard. So glad I have G there as well when we go to have someone else to talk too!

Charlton made the League One playoffs so I went to watch for the first time in three or four years (imagine that a few years back!) they lost and i've just watched them lose the away leg. I do miss going, but I have too many other things now to go on weekends and devote my life to it again.
Most of my friends have the same feelings which is sad.

So after last weeks dizzy 24 degrees it's now dropped to 7 degrees and of course because it was so warm it feels worse than that.

Been an up and down week here. I was really pleased with V horse on Tuesday, we had a fantastic lesson with only minor steering errors.
Thursday went to see L in hospital as normal. He'd been talking about coming out with me to see Lovely who was on one of his rare visits from Hull. Friday though he was bottling it, I got impulsive like I did and asked his OT if he could come. He was rather angry and disappointed about me going behind his back and I had to do some major grovelling but we made up and I went to the pub and met B and JD as well as Lovely and it was so nice to catch up.
Saturday was a flyball day in Billericky so not too far to travel which was good!
Had a mixed day. Great to see everyone and get back out racing. Dog didn't run too well, but pulled it back in the end to set up two PB's - 5.2secs! I want to make that consistent now.
Happy banter between me and One Night Stand Guy, got the bacon roll he owed me. Stole his dog. All good. It turns out that another girl who goes but doesn't run a dog works alongside him and mentioned to me that she hears through the grapevine that he's shit at sex and doesn't have the luck with the ladies that he mentions to me. So of course me being me, when we're having a fb chat later and he's mentioning that he's off out to sleep with some girl unless I want to come around, have to bring it up.
Talk about fragile masculinity!! He went completely off the handle. Demanding to know who I'd heard it from, claiming he was going to message her and find out who she had been speaking to.
I said  which wasn't a lie, and that I'd not been listening fully so it was entirely possible I'd got wrong end of the stick. But apparently I didn't "Get it" (the bad sex thing matches up with my experiences btw) and then moaned that I always belittled him.
Which irritated me and I pointed out that he mocks me for not spreading my legs for everyone and being single. I'm lonely yes, but I realise my lifestyle makes it hard to meet new people and anyway. I was very lucky to have had Welshy in my life for 13 years and if that never happens again, then so be it. I'm certainly not desperate for another relationship - too busy for that shit!
Anyway. We made up I guess. Although I'm wondering why you'd get that stroppy unless there was a grain of truth in it!!

Back to work tomorrow and I have two flyball comps next weekend. Looking forward to that and hoping for another good lesson on Tuesday and hopefully there will be no awkwardness when we visit L in hospital Thursday!!!!

Its finally warmed up! Admittedly jumping from 12 to 24 was a bit much and
I'm rather pink and suffering from usual heat related complaints but its still nice to be in a t shirt for a change.

Usual routine here. Had an awful stomach bug that I'm still not 100% over - lost 1.5kg from it! Payday and instantly blown a lot of it on getting bird seed, dog food and trim and sorting the tortoise out. Annoyingly his lights have blown AGAIN!! He may only be awake for 6 months but he costs me more in that time than all the others put together!!
First outdoor comp of year next week - cant wait!

Busy week. Had an interview. Didn't get it. Bit gutted really. It would have been perfect!
Just gotta keep eye out for something else.
Made a lot of cakes this weekend as is the last day we have access to the field I walk the dog in.

One Night Stand guy popped up on Friday, wanting me to come around. I was busy baking. I know he was texting another girl at same time as me. I know that he had a girl come around when I refused as busy.

Part of me says that going to him makes me a pushover- makes him not respect me. I don't think he respects any female, certainly not the way he treats them. Although I appreciate how he's always been honest with me.

Then the stupid impulsive part of me whispers - what's the harm in going around there - apart from its a bloody long drive! I like and miss sex and both of us know where we stand.

I think it's the other girls bit that bothers me. If it was just me, then I could do it a lot more and accept it a lot more.

I used my time off of work wisely, I went to the dinosaurs in the wild at the 02 event, the one that got postponed from the first bout of snow.
As expected I was the only attendee without a small child. No awkward looks there whatsoever! It was very well done however. Based of off Jurassic Park and of course it all went wrong needing us to "evacuate"
I also went down the V and A for an exhibit about Winnie the Pooh and then one on cruise ships and then pottered into the NHM for a slightly disappointing Venom exhibition. Still. As I get to go to these things for free I can't complain!

I rode a fair bit which was good, had a pop over some jumps - nothing major just mostly 50cm and a 60 to finish, felt rather confident doing them which was good, even if they were a bit untidy!

I also have had a bit of a riding breakthrough in terms of my errant hands and contact so all good there!

Monday just gone however the poor dog got very sick, vomiting and fitting. I thought I was going to lose her. As it was all I lost was close to 85 pounds, and the insurance is covering the rest - nearly a thousand pounds! Poor, poor little dog. Broke my heart. She's better now thankfully, just building her strength back up and of course I'm now horribly bankrupt because of it.

I have an interview! Crazily it works out as 10 hours less a week, but nearly 200 pounds a month more - I also would get the fancy pants title of manager. We'll see. It might be beyond me and I've had my fingers burned before lets face it chasing money.

What else? Oh yes me and the receptionist at work went to see the Woman in Black. I pretended I hadn't seen it again. I wanted her to come with me during the Easter Break when I was getting fed up about it being three days since I spoke to anyone in person. Her commitments meant we had to wait until Wednesday.
It was good as always. Couldn't help but note it was the same seats that me and Welshy occupied once nearly 8 years ago. Sigh.

The thing is I have moved on from the relationship side of what we were. I just can't seem to move on from the friendship side and I miss that. Perhaps that's just cos i'm a bit lonely.

Other news? I ended up back in London again yesterday. L is so much better now, he's had the op to fix his skull and he had tickets for the Charles 1st exhibition at the Royal Academy. So off we trotted with his carer. He's hoping to be allowed home soon.

We've finally lost the battle for the field and now i'm not sure where I'll walk the dog come winter. The 16th is the last day and I'll be sad to lose it and the friends I've made walking there.

Gutted - my flyball competition over Easter has been called off due to the shit weather we've had lately.
But on other hand, although my hotel is non-refundable, I'm not spending on the petrol, the food for myself and the Dog, and car parking etc I gotta tell CL that i'm not coming after all which is sad, but hey ho.

Now to find something else for me to do! And at least I still get the time off of work - speaking of work, its still rather iffy as to how the charity is going. I'm applying for another job at the moment, although re-writing my covering statement is boring!
They also want to do the fun day in July - same day as I was planning on going to see TP and TJ. Yay. Everyone has to attend so that's a bugger as I really don't want to do it, then drive to bloody Derbyshire!
Was suggested that perhaps they'd rather come to London and volunteer!
Also I got summoned back into work on Wednesday to meet with a client that really the caretaker should have been able to show about which ate into my time visiting Lolly.
I got told I need to get my priorities right when I complained about both!

Whatever.

I'm looking after two other dogs this week, a beagle and a lurcher. Both have surprised me about how lazy they are (although both slightly porky!) I did worry about if they'd come back to me but they have been very good, although it's hard work looking after three dogs when out and about!

They go home on Tuesday - phew!

Didn't blog. Had it on my mind that I needed to, just well. too lazy!

THis week has been an ok week, I got to work from home Wednesday morning, which was great - bit longer in bed, bit longer walking Dog in morning. Did some housework.
Happy days.
I can't get over how it was so warm this week and yet this weekend it has done nothing but snow -albeit that annoying not really settling snow.
I started applying for new jobs again, I don't really want to but I think its a case of at least now I have a choice, where as if I leave it a few months longer I might not have that choice! I hope not.
I also don't really want to go but needs must.
I saw a great job which ticks all my boxes so spent this weekend applying for that.
As mentioned a couple of weeks back I took M to court. It went as expected. Also interestingly J announced that he had "forgotten" the existence of an isa and now all of a sudden there 60 odd k floating about to be spread between the family!
Moron.

Oh yeah! Great News! TP is nearly finished her radiotherapy and this weekend for the first time we saw L walk when we visited him in the rehab unit. Fantastic news for all concerned!

I tried to ride today, wasn't successful. Idiot horse freaked out at a tractor next door before I got on. I got my finger trapped, its now a little swollen and I can't bend the top of it or put any pressure or grip with it.
TBF I couldn't really bend it anyway - the result of breaking it in a playfight with Welshy when living in Spain and not having hospital or doctors near us who could treat it!
Will give it a day or two to heal - seems a silly thing to go to the doctors about and by the time I get an appointment it'll probably be healed anyway!!

Well we had the predicted snow - although definitely not snowmageddon! Has been deeper in this blogs existence!
Thought it would be a bit of a washout as although bitterly, vilely cold and snowing heavily on Monday morning, it had stopped by time I got bus to Eltham and melted by time I finished at opticians.
Tuesday I hacked V and it was fine, but by the time I was hacking G it was snowing and settling. Got some cute photos of him with snow in his ears and I had a fine layer on me!
Of course by the time I got home, it wasn't about - just 6 miles between us!
Woke up Wednesday to about 5cm or so. Dug out an old plastic planter and headed up to Oxleas for sledging fun! Don't care how old I am, couldn't resist! Had lots of fun.
Thursday and novelty is starting to go, I tried to build a snow castle with snow bricks I made from an old tupperware pot and it worked relatively well until I got too carried away and tried to dye it orange and then it fell down!

Poor birds though, I couldn't get anything to stay up to give them shelter and it was so bitterly cold! Thursday I think was the worst day with windchill of -10 although really only -2.

Started to pick up and although it snowed steadily Friday afternoon, preventing me from riding, it was nearly all gone Saturday and is only currently still remaining in the sheltered places.

It was nice to have the snow although frustrating as it stops you going out and about and I felt like I missed out again on the joy of having a week off of work!

Still not long until I get a few days off on top of the Easter Bank Holidays and I used the time wisely cleaning the house. Brat even wanted to socialise with me and we played a couple of games of monopoly, which is the first time in a couple of years we've hung out since the random invites to the pub ocasionally to play pool.

I feel very tired today strangely and indeed did so yesterday.

Back to the routine tomorrow, sad times but as I said, not long until I have a few days off again, planning a day trip to the New Forest and hopefully will get to see CL as well.

Another standard week here. I booked my hotel for the Hampshire flyball comps, and the outward flight to Grotty out of the insurance money which is pleasing.
Had to get two new front tyres and new jods and trainers which ate into my wages and have an opticians appointment tomorrow.

Snowmaggedon is apparently on the way. Think i'll believe it when I see it although it is bitterly, bitterly cold!

Week off starting tomorrow which is exciting, although I think I'll be hibernating if it does get horrid!!!

Too tired Sunday, no excuses for not doing it yesterday.

Had my appraisal at work. I made a throwaway remark to my boss about being deaf. I do genuinely think there's something in it, I struggle to hear sometimes, sometimes there's a popping or a buzzing in my ear. I think I have tinnitus from a night in a club in San Adrian.
Anyway, she's taking it seriously and putting me down as having a disability! As if the glasses wasn't bad enough! I really should go to the doctors again. Welshy made me go a few years back and although they gave me the all clear there's definitely something there.

I'm off next week. I don't want a hearing aid. I should go, and not put it off.

Was at a competition with the dog on Sunday hence the being too tired to blog, was a good day - our team won and we picked up another first place and two seconds.

I ended up looking after One Night Stand's dog all day. She's as good as gold really - puts mine to shame! He also talked me into taking her back to his.

Been a bit of banter between us the last few days. Anyway Sunday night he told me he was horny and invited me back. I didn't go. I was already at home in my pjs by then and the thought of driving the 20-30 minutes to his place for a quick fuck and then driving back didn't appeal.

Nothing to read into it though - i'm so tempted to take him up on the offer if not for the fear of something getting complicated between us and also - yeah its a lot of hassle for not much reward! Now if dinner was included then I might be even more inclined to join in.

The crazy family are self-imploding again. Uncle I is taking M to court. D is trying to distance himself from it, I and J are saying that M is in cahoots with Mother about the money. That M is trying to cover something up. I dunno. Tempted to go see the whole grotty thing unfold next week, we'll see. Probably more aggro than its worth!!!

Sitting here trying to think of things to tell you about this week.
Insurance finally came though. Of course it came two days after I ran out of money and took out a payday loan. So that's where that is going!

I took the receptionist at work and her daughter to the yard to meet V and have a sit. Perfectly behaved for them. half hour later we're cantering on the spot and bouncing to get away from a wood chipper. Daft mare.

I booked to get new tyres put on the car. My boss and I had to go to Sidcup and she asked me to take my car so "she didn't have to leave her parking spot" I was still on the verge of poverty then and decided to "pretend" that I had forgotten as I really didn't want to waste the petrol, especially after driving to Gatwick and back!
She only made me go home and get my car and then we were late to the meeting! Hahaha!

Dog training today. She is frustrating. Running properly with netting, running out the minute it is removed. I think maybe we have to keep the netting in there and hope she forgets? Although you can't have netting in competitions....

We're at Maidstone next week and I'm dog sitting One Night Stand's Dog - No mince pie incidents there hopefully!

Been a bitter cold week, with a disappointing lack of snow.

Obviously dog not cured as ran out lots today. Sigh.

Insurance is dealing with my claim now so that's something. Fingers crossed it comes back soon. A lovely, lovely lady in the field where I walk Dog gave me £50 for her plight. I felt awful. I hadn't told her my tale of financial woe for that but at same time overwhelmed that she did so.

Mothership and TMWMITW came back Friday night and then flew away Saturday to LA. Its possible that his money/copyright case will be dealt with by time he comes back.
Joked that he could buy me a horse and pay for its upkeep each month. Took it all rather seriously and busted my bubble. Not that I was serious, I'd struggle with time if I had one of my own anyways.

Nothing else really to report back here. its bitter, bitter cold and the forecast is for snow but I bet its a huge disappointment again.