Somehow forgot to publish the last blog entry but never mind.

Life hit an all time low last week when IdiotCollie ATE my drivers seatbelt while at flyball training. There were many tears and hysterics and yeah somehow now everyone thinks (to be fair not far off) that I'm totally poverty stricken, lent me 500 quid - they say its a gift but I WILL pay it back somehow.
And someone bought me a massive bag of dog food. I'm incredibly grateful as it has paid one of the credit cards off minus something stupid like 5 quid and I've got enough money to get through until payday.

But I hate, LOATHE being thought of as a charity case. Hate sponging off of people. Makes me feel like such a loser. 

 I am SO SO grateful to TP and TJ who got me through September. I told them about Spanieldog and they sent down a care package including a £50 Tesco gift card. They even sent money down so she could have a groom and tidy herself up after all the drama of August.

Its still been a really, really rough month financially, October is still going to be really rough but hopefully we'll get through and November will see it start to ease off although it's going to take quite some time to get myself back to where I was this time last year - even this time in Feb when I was feeling relatively confident that even though I'd overspent a bit, I was still on course to be debt free by Sept '25.

Spanieldog has adapted really well to now being Piratedog, we've had to learn to do things like keep the washing machine door shut and chairs pushed in so she doesn't walk in them and finding her more underfoot than before. She's running flyball a second slower than before but she's still doing it, still happy to do it and still able to do it safely. I'm going to try her indoors in November but if the light and shadow prove too much then she can sit it out until we go outside again. 

I do want to start competive Obedience with her but as of yet haven't managed to get her to any of the classes as life keeps getting in the way.

 This has been one of the WORST August's ever.

I mentioned in previous blog entry that I suspected something was up with Spanieldog's eyes. I wasn't concerned enough to take her to the vets before, there was no rubbing, no irritation, no gunk, so I thought I'd monitor it and bring it up at the vets when she went for her jabs and annual check up.

Big BIG mistake, turned out the poor fucker had a tumour in one eye and would need it removing. They were happy for me to take her to the flyball champs as it had obviously been there some time and yet didn't seem to be causing any issues and I'd book her in on return to have ultrasound and tomography testing.

The jabs were Tuesday, I was going Wednesday to Monday and then I had birthday plans (God this makes me sound so selfish and uncaring!!) so the appointment was made for Friday.

We travelled up to Tamworth ok, checked into the most gorgeous little cottage on Wednesday, Thursday arrived at the venue for speed trials. She arrived at the venue ok, I raced Colliedog, then went to get Spaniel out of the car.

OMG her eye was glued shut and massively, massively swollen with gunk. It didn't seem logical that 48 hours could have made such a difference when the vets had looked at it and deemed her fit to race so I wondered if it was an infection or a sting. She still wanted to run so we let her and over the course of the few days cleared up pretty well.

I went to see H2 on Friday. She ran in the comp Saturday and her team got a 1st place! Sunday Colliedog ran and got a 3rd. 

Came home Monday and confirmed appointment, mentioned the gunk and swelling. Vets still thought she'd be ok for Friday as it was clearing up.

Tuesday I went to Brighton with J, had a lovely time on the coast and came home Weds, checked on her and we went to see Wicked.

Thurs took them for a nice walk, she's still chasing a ball, bullying Colliedog so I'm still not too worried and on Friday she went into the vets and then my world caved in as they said that they thought the other eye was starting to get issues and wasn't sure if the tumour had spread. Well. I know some dogs can lead perfectly nice lives with only one eye but she's not one of them. She loves to be busy and explore and compete so I said if it had, to PTS as it would be kindest, she said that she wasn't 100% convinced it was a tumour but wanted to send to RVC over in Hertfordshire as they obviously have more ways of testing.

I was in bits but agreed so found myself in a traffic jam trying to get through Blackwall Tunnel in order to get her there. Got lost on way. Got her there and all the vets and students are trying to work it out, she's loving the attention and again they mention that it may now be in the other eye. They're wondering if a tick or something has caused all this.

I sit and wait in the reception area while she has various scans and when they tell me its not spread as far as they can tell and the only thing left is to remove it.

It turned out to have caused a massive haemotoma which was starting to press on the other eye, but luckily now its removed her eye is fine and we're all adjusting to life with one eye. Of course it means the end of her agility career but at 10 she was due to retire soon anyway. I'd like to start Competive Obedience with her as she still wants to be out and busy and she seems ok doing flyball outside. 

So I'm 4k down, maxed out all my credit cards. yeah. The ones i've spent ages paying off. Lucky me. And owe The Brat something like 1400 quid, Mother 600 and J  - well he won't tell me what he paid to have the car camchain sorted for me.

And speaking of the car, it only just scraped through the MOT. Its on life support and really should be scrapped but obviously I can't afford to replace it. Can't afford the repair bills. URGH. 

 So it turns out that I have a CAM deformity of the ball part of the hip joint, I have mild osteoarthritis. Its possible that the uneven part of the bone has ground through all the protective material and is grinding on bone.

I have trochanteric bursitis as well. Been referred to a surgeon, possibly might need a hip replacement. Won't know really until I've spoken to them, other options are more physio waiting for it to get worse and need the surgery - been off and on physio for nearly 3 years so enough of that nonsense thank you very much!!

Or having an op like Andy Murray and having the ball shaved smooth. Both operations sound terrifying, both sound like it'll be a good 6 month recovery.

I am in a lot of pain today, The Brat's car broke down so i've been up at 4.30 three days in a row to drive him to work, its a 2 hour round trip through London so not sure if all the gear changing has buggered me.

Very tired lol!

Dogs off to national flyball finals in two weeks, I think this is the end of Mrs Spaniel's career. I'm not sure if she's losing the vision in one of her eyes and she's still not completely right after damaging herself in June.

Things with J are ok, he still makes me very happy and if I could just turn off the internal voices I'm sure i'd be happier! 

 Struggling mentally again at the moment. The Brat came home with two Guinea Pigs(!!!!) having split with his girlfriend again. Possibly this time its for good and now its me looking after the guinea pigs and having the sudden, horrific realisation that he will never go for good, that I'm always going to have him to look after.

And looking after is what it is, its taken him a good month to move the piles of clothes that are on the kitchen floor, the piles of DVD's and CD's and the house is slowly getting messy again. I had hoped - dreamed that this was it, that perhaps I could move J in, in the winter. But three weeks ago, I had a stayaway competition. I left at 5.30 on Saturday morning, got home 6.30 Sunday evening and he'd not flushed the toilet in that entire spell and it was a hot weekend! 

So how can I ask anyone to come live with me in that kinda condition? I know Welshy did but Mother was at home for some of the time and anyway he was sponging off of us - which I realise now - so who gives a shit when we were paying for his food and rent and cleaning?

Speaking quickly of Welshy - guess who's now married! Fuck you, hobbity cunt. 

I have been feeling neglected by my flyball friends in a kinda stroppy teenager way, realising that they were slowly moving away from me, going around Paws without me, finding out after everyone else that one was buying a flat, another getting a new dream job, another dating someone and the two that I'm closest too, the ones that I've vented to about the Boy and Mother both pretty much told me they were bored of hearing about it and to speak to a therapist and not them and then I remember the 7 weeks 4 days of lockdown when no one reached out to me, when I reached out to others and they made excuses as to why they couldn't bubble with me or talk and then THAT cycles further back to the time I tried to tell Mother about being bullied when I was 16/17 and how she just shrugged and said my life was worthless anyway, so very much clammed up there and I'm cautious about how much I say to J in case I get the same reactions.

So its been safe to say I'm struggling and then Mother came home this week, leaving today and I'd built it up in my head to tell her about J and it was making me sick with anxiety, remembering how when I bought Welshy home the first time, she proceeded to remove her jeans to prove she had better legs than me.

And then he was sick both days we arranged to meet and I'm feeling so bitter and resentful thinking about how I struggled on my bad leg to meet his family earlier this year and there was snide comments about if he really existed and I know she was thinking bad about him, even though it was me pushing for the meet and I don't think she's even asked what his name is or anything apart from how it would affect The Brat. Actually thats a lie, she did ask what his job was but that's about it and TBF I'm so wary of her that even if she did ask, I'd be so brief with details that she probably thinks better not to ask and this is how she gets me second guessing myself and doubting everything.

And then I've been making a huge effort to sort the back garden out, buying plants and weeding and digging plants up and spending more money than I can really afford only for her to tell me I'm wasting my time. And even though at the start of this month I'd checked the tyres, somehow they were flat and rubbed to the wire and I genuinely don't know how that happened as two week previous they were fine, but apparently I hadn't looked after the car and I drive it too much and she bought two new tyres so she was pissed with me about that.

And on Friday I took her to an agility show and she caused an accident with Mrs Spaniel because she didn't listen to me asking her to wait so she didn't worry about her and all she did was moan about the wind and the cold and the rain and then dig and dig in the queue pre-accident about how this was going to be a car-crash that the people in front of me turned to give me a sympathetic smile and now I've got to get the physio out early for her as the poor old dog is still stiff and sore. She tried to go onto her usual spiel about The Brat and I cut her off telling her I was bored of hearing it, that he won't have owt to do with her ( he's slept in his car rather than come home this week).

We went to a party in the evening, she's known the family all her life, babysitting them. I grew up three doors down living next to them for 12 years before we moved here. They didnt recognise me, they all asked after The Brat. Even someone that I'd never met. 

Struggling. Struggling so much.

And on Saturday I was trying, trying so hard to make up for being short and arsey with her and J was supposed to meet us for dinner but bailed again so I bought her dinner at the Harvester and then Sunday was flyball training and I finally cracked when Colliedog was naughty and chased other dogs because they ignored me when I tried to tell them it wouldn't work and I finally cracked and spent the whole session in tears in the car and the older people tried to see if I was ok and tell me I can speak to them but I can't because its in the back of my mind all the time that they don't really care, that i'll just be 24 hours gossip.

 That there's no point talking about it because nothing will ever change and one of the girls I mentioned earlier made a huge show of giving me a hug when I did emerge to help pack up and yet, it's 24 hours later and only the old people have reached out to see if I'm ok. None of the ones that I thought were my friends.

And I came home and felt guilty about the way I've acted to Mother and treated her to FrancoMarco's which was expensive and both that and the Harvester meal is out of my budget and J who is TBF useless with contact anyway hasn't got in touch since Sat and I know he went to a Peter Kay gig Sunday and if he could do that, surely he could have seen me? So i'm again acting like a child and not messaging him and really I need some space from him even though he's supposed to be the one I can rely on.

And just to finish this very self-pitying woeful message, I'm awaiting an MRI for my hip and the current thought is that I'm dislocating it or there's a tear in the labral fibres (which I just want to point out, I suggested to the GP in Jan 2021) and there's also a train of thought that this is related to my as a baby being slow to learn to walk about was supposed to be investigated for hip issues then, but no one bothered so its entirely possible that this is a long standing issue and the fall bought it all to the surface and Mother was very gleefully talking about if this meant I'd need a hip replacement.... 

So tired of it all, so tired of always being in pain, so tired of being lonely and so very tired of being broke financially. 

 Wow April. Didn't realise I'd gone so far without updating. March passed well with trips to play Go-Karts and up to London to ride a speedboat down the Thames and back and then to have cocktails.

L has had his op, I went to see him in the hospital and he was a bit groggy and out of it but he's doing well and he said yesterday that the cancer had all gone and would have a small course of Chemo, hopefully a mild dose and all good.

G left us on Saturday to go to Thailand. I'll miss him, its for two years potentially and then she can get a visa to come here, He proposed to her as its something she wanted apparently. Yes Alarm bells are ringing about this whole situation but as J says, there's nowt we can do except hope we're thinking the worst.

Spanieldog went to do an agility show last weekend and came home with her first rosettes - a second and a 5th place after many years of trying hard. She did 4 runs and 4 was too much for her, so when I sign myself up for the next ones, it'll be only 2 or three that I'll do. She's 10 now! Poor old dog. 

 

 Definitely had post holiday blues this week. Realised as well I've actually spent a bit more on credit cards than I'd want considering i'm supposed to be paying them all off and its still a long way till Sept '25 and being debt free! So maybe a few cheap weeks are needed!

Which is depressing as I've got the flyball champs that we've qualified for to try and pay, the car and house all need work as well!

Had a couple of little bombshells this week too. L up in Hull messaged to say he's been diagnosed with cancer although he's sounding hopeful that they've caught it super early and it'll all be good.

And G - the link between me and J is packing it all in to move to Thailand where's he's met some girl. I mean he travels there a lot so its always been in my head that perhaps one day he would go over there to work but yeah. Apparently this is how we roll now. 

 I'm back from Edinburgh!

I wanted to surprise J for his birthday and he'd never been, I hadn't been since possibly 2008 and its such a lovely, quirky city, all higgledy, piggledy and OLD!

So I booked up flights, hotels, a sneaky trip over to Glasgow - first time in Glasgow, been to better Scottish cities although TBF we were just around the train station - and reserved a couple of tables in cool bars and arranged to see TP and TJ as they have moved back up.

The trip was a success! It was such a fun slow burn, letting him guess we were driving to the airport, to take him to the departure board and get him to guess and then tell him what was the plan.

Work hadn't approved my Friday/Monday leave at all so it was a bit of a gamble if I could get away with it but luckily I did!

So Friday, I worked in until about 10.30ish and then we went for an explore and to get our bearings and then went to the castle to explore and then found Edinburgh's smallest bar, Tom Riddell's grave, the Greyfriar's Bobby memorial, back to the hotel for a quick rest and then out to a Frankenstein themed bar in an old church where we tried haggis loaded fries and watched an animatronic Frankenstein slowly lower from the ceiling, "wake up and look around" before lying down and going back up.

We went to another bar where I drank/ate alcoholic ice creams before a nightcap at the hotel.

Saturday we went to Glasgow, found a cool bar with alcoholic milkshakes, went to Celtic Park - in my opinion watching 1st vs 4th, it was more mid-table Championship standard rather than them claiming they'd be competitive in the Premiership.

Back to Edinburgh, a really nice meal in a supposedly alpine themed bar (it didn't seem that way) and another hotel nightcap.

Sunday We had a lie in, breakfast under the castle's walls and then met TP &TJ where we went to Mary Kings Close, an underground street, and then walked to find a giant marshmallow shop for a hot chocolate.

They said goodbye and we played in the hotel pool and sauna for a bit before going out for another meal and then it was a super early flight so I could be logged on as soon as possible - I can't believe that I got away with it!!

It was a lovely trip with good weather for Scotland in Feb, a lovely catch-up with the Twins and nice to just hang out with neither of us feeling the need to rush about to go to work or do dog things or any of the other commitments that we have.   

 Such a full on few days!

The snooker was actually more exciting than I thought it'd be, although it helped that apparently they were two attacking players.

It'd be nice to see Ally Pally in the daylight too I thought, it looks like there's a lovely view from the park and i'm not sure how much of the inside you can see.

It was a late one, not home until midnight though. It was also a bit annoying as my car battery has died with this cold snap despite only being a year old and having a 4 year warranty so i'll have to see if I can get it refunded despite not being able to track down the reciept!

I met up with J again on Friday and we went to a immersive balloon exhibit but it was a bit more just looking rather than interacting so I deffo preferred the bubble thing we all did before Xmas.

He came to mine after and I showed him how to change the car battery and tbh it's nice to have that extra pair of hands to do it as it's such a bloody faffy job!

A lovely lazy Saturday morning hanging out in bed before I took him home and then prepped for the flyball comp on Sunday. First one of the year and the dogs mostly behaved well.

It's been a nice little start to the year, its supposedly Blue Monday but there's still so much to look forward to coming up soon and this is my first full week back at work so it's been a nice slow ease back into life.

And the days are slowly, slowly getting longer too! Tomorrow being first time sun rises before 8am!

 A very belated round up.

Another milestone of remembering that awful day in the hospice, now 18 years ago and quite scary to think that I could soon have outlived him.

Christmas was ok as it always is, I went to J's families for Christmas eve, and on Christmas day I took the dogs to Dungeness for a run around.

J and I had a year anniversary. I still struggle a little with it sometimes, the change from drinking friends to dating, but I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. He's sweet, gentle and thoughtful and I'm loving all the adventures. Its been so long, just existing and not actually living.

We went to see a fireworks display at Leeds Castle, met up with JA and his GF and went to the Bubble Experience which was brilliant fun.

On Thursday I take him to his Christmas present, which is an evening watching snooker. On Friday we're going to some balloon immersive experience thingy. Then I'm out at the first flyball competition of the year.

I've planned a secret holiday for us to go to Edinburgh for his B'day, booked two fun bars and hoping to get tickets to a Celtic game.

The Brat is back with his GF and talking about how he shouldn't really be paying rent etc here when he's not lived here pretty much all year.