OMG! OMG! I met up with STF! Which according to this blog, the last time we saw each other was Sept 2010!

J and I got tickets to go to see England play Italy, he'd never been to an England game and after Porto, I was on various priority lists so I applied and we got lucky!

Wasn't the plan at all but he messaged me randomly when I was on the tube on the way up and Yay!

I do think of those boys often, how they saved my sanity when everything was spiraling and so, so bad that last term of uni and I miss them.

England won too! 3-1 which made the very long day well worth it, I and J, JA and J's brother have applied for tickets for the Euro 2024 quarter finals so fingers crossed that we get them and also at least one of them is an England game!

What else is new? Work have now decided I need to go in 3 days a week and start at 8.30, which isn't great because its a very long time to leave the dogs and everyone else gets to stay with the two days.

But on other hand I'll be finishing now at 3.30 on Fridays so there's that at least.

I went to a Flyball friend's wedding end of September and had a great time dancing and drinking.

I've been given hearing aids to make up for covid having stolen my hearing, they're horrible, ugly and I hate them but wear them like a good girl! 

I recently worked my way through the extended LOTR films on at the cinema, one each week. Mother is back in November, The Brat is spending about half the week here and half at his GF's and life cruises on much as it has done but it has really been the absolute best year i've had in a very, very long time!

 So here we are! Well into September now and coming to the end of a late summer heatwave.

Things are still good with me and J, I'm still not sure who does and doesn't know about us but my work Bestie E apparently got quite drunk at the ball pit and decided to take matters into her own hands and told various people, although mostly I think people that already knew.

My wallet and keys were found at the ball pit which was exciting!

J and I have carried on having a few adventures, we went to Deal and ran around a giant inflatable obstable course which proved we were both very unfit!

And this weekend has been awful temperature wise with it being in the 30's, I melted at home Saturday but by the evening I was getting restless and I can't bear the thought of doing nothing at weekends so I impulsively messaged him to see if he fancied going down to the coast (along with the whole of SE London it seemed!)

So we had a lovely day at Joss Bay near Broadstairs and later went over to Margate and played in the arcades, had chips and a HUGE ice cream.

Getting home was a bit of a ballache as everyone was going at same time, so a 1 hour 15 journey took nearly 3 hours and ruined the plan of sorting dogs out, having a quick bath and then going back to his but hopefully there will be Tuesday evening instead.

 Guys - I don't want to alarm anyone, but I'm now 40 - like when I started this blog back when dinosaurs still walked the Earth I was in my late teens. This actual blog has existed for 19 years. 

And I want to tell you about how depressed I was about making it to 40. But I have had about the best week possible so i'm gonna tell you about that instead!

So - it all kicked off on Friday 11th when N who has finally aged into being the grumpy, tired, old fat man he's always been decided he couldn't make my actual party but was going to take me to the cricket instead.

Nearest i've got to live Cricket before was Welshy's park team, so I was super excited to be seeing Surrey play Kent at the Oval as well.

And we drank 4 bottles of wine between us and actually got to walk on the pitch at Lunch and have a quick look in the museum.

Surrey won and it was a glorious day out getting wine-drunk and bitching and having a good catch up. I love him.

My Flyball club got together on Sunday 13th and had a little party for me and a collection that I opened on Monday which was lovely of them.

Monday - the Big Day - I didn't do much, the Car needed MOT-ing and I really wanted that out of the way in case I needed to stress about work needing doing, but the good thing got itself through with only a slow puncture to worry about.

The Brat actually remembered and bought me a TV - Mother sent me some goodies and money and J bless him sent me flowers.

Tuesday he was off and took me for a surprise day out. We went to Brunch in Holborn and ate pancakes that were bigger than my car tyre! An Escape Room and then a bar that did social darts of different types and it was such a lovely day, he took me to Giant Waterstones and insisted I chose a book that he could buy me as a present  - read Mexican Gothic if you haven't! - We came back to his and watched the Charlton game, not so lovely!

Wednesday I decided I'd do some sightseeing of the things I've always fancied doing but never got round too before, so I drove down to Hampshire and had again a lovely day out at a bird park and then visiting Jane Austen's House. I drive past maybe once or twice a year going to dog things and always wanted to stop and look around at both.

Thursday I just hung out with the dogs.

Friday - OMG let me tell you about Friday - This was going to be the absolute Pinnacle of my adventure, there is a club in Shoreditch that is also a giant adult's ball pit with all the colours, all the balls and cocktails.

Somehow I scraped together 15 friends from my days at the NMM - Lovely L came down on a whistlestop 24 hour adventure from Hull! - J, his brother and R, JA and G my football boys and girls from flyball and my work bestie and her husband.

It was absolutely amazing, I laughed, danced and drank my way through the night and lost nearly everything I own in the world, wallet, phone, keys. It doesnt matter, that stuff is a ballache but I had fun and took the very zen approach of "I can't do owt about it, why let it spoil my night"

So of course this weekend has been an attempt to try and re-organise and replace my possessions that I lost through being a careless idiot. 

I do have one nagging issue - the vague plan was that J and I would stop being Secret Squirrel and come out to all our mutuals on Friday, but it never happened and as fun as the last 8 months have been having that secret, its now well past the sell by date and I want to go public so to speak and because I'm a neurotic fool, its now playing in my head a little that, there's ulterior motives behind him keeping quiet. That he's like E.2.0 holding out/still pining after his ex. That he's another FWB who thought I wasn't socially acceptable enough to ever date properly.

I need to tell him this next time I see him and, I don't know - find out the best way to open up and open up ASAP  

 Urgh,

Its been a bad few days, so there's been all the upheaval and depression that comes with The Brat moving back in and realising that once again my life is dictated around cleaning up after him, plus the fight yesterday that has set Mrs Collie back in her rehab yet again.

Today I had a hospital appointment, I lost my hearing over Covid and its been 13 months since failing the hearing test and being referred to a specialist. 

Anyway, the appointment was today at 11.30. So I let work know and confidently said, worse case scenario i'd be in by 2pm, because even if it was runnng late, it couldn't be running THAT late?

Anyway, I was seen at 11.40 so thats not too shabby, I had another hearing test that I failed spectacularly and then had another wait to see a consultant and that was about 12.15, and he told me I needed hearing aids, which i'm pretty much resigned too and putting on a brave face about, but fucking hell, those NHS ones are so huge and ugly and awful and I can't afford 3k per ear for subtle invisible inner ear ones.

So the consultant told me to go back to the waiting room, so I did and an hour passes by and then a bit longer and at 13:30 I asked the Receptionist, who went to check, and yes, I had been told to wait there, but that was the wrong place to be waiting and I should be downstairs.

So downstairs I went. To be told that I shouldn't be waiting and that I'd be getting a letter in 6-8 weeks about a fitting. 

So it was 13:50 by the time I left the hospital, and 14:45 by the time I got to the office so I was in a really bad mood and then came home and I of course had to tidy the kitchen once I got in which just added to the mood and Mother is messaging me asking me what I want for my birthday and I don't want anything, I just want what i've wanted since I was 16/17 and that's to be away from them all and have a place of my own and she just sent back those crying/laughing emojis. 

So When the Brat appeared and thought it funny to try and communicate with me only in sign, I lost my temper again and threw the TV remote at him, which hit him on the leg, he threw it back at me and stormed out.

I'm tired, I don't want this to be my life for another 20 years but there's just no way out of it apart from the inevitable and at this point, basically I'm only living out of pure spite.

 

 I got into a fight! With punches! 

So Mrs Collie has been attacked by the same German Shepherd a few times and is now extremely worried about anything that looks similar, Huskys, akitas, malinois etc, so to avoid drama I do the sensible thing of putting her on a lead and giving them as wide a berth as possible in her comfort zone.

So when I saw one at the old houses in Oxleas, I put her on the lead, noticed it was muzzled and the owner did the same, went to give us space but didnt put it on the lead and it spotted Mrs Collie and launched at her, so she's screaming and trying to fight back and its gonna weigh 30-40kg compared to Mrs Collie's 15kg so even muzzled it could hurt her so I kicked it in the neck and then again in the ribs to stop the attack, the dog didn't even flinch so that's how hard it was!

And then the next thing the owner's on me and punched me in the arm screaming at me that I shouldn't kick her dog and it didn't matter that it attacked mine because its muzzled and my first though was "WTAF" and then she punched me again in the chest and she had one of those retractable leads in her hand so I saw red and punched her in the jaw, which hurt me a lot more than it hurt her!

And punctuated by various Fucks and Cunts I yelled that it didnt matter that it was muzzled, it went for my dog, common sense would have been if you knew your dog was aggressive you keep it on a lead and what if she had been recovering from an operation or was blind or deaf?

And then the dog broke free of her and leapt up at me, so I kneed it and pushed it down and then she squared up to me and all that's in my head is exactly HOW badly this is going to end up for me and that there's also no way I'm backing down now. 

Which is when two old ladies walking their doddery dogs walked past and she grabbed her dog before it went for those, clipped it on the lead and stormed off while I'm stood there screaming abuse at her.

I was shaking all the way home! 

 So The Brat is back again and he's ended it for good so he says and I'm plunged into misery about it. Already he's leaving mess everywhere, I had to clean the bath before I could use it and then clean it again this morning.

I've collected so far 6 cans of drink that have been scattered over the house and as he lives off of microwaveable meals, cleaned up endless containers and cardboard boxes and i'm trying to close my eyes to the clothes scattered everywhere. Why is this my life? Why am I stuck at practically 40, just as miserable about being at home as I was at 19 and this time without even the hope I'll escape.

I wonder sometimes if things work out with J what will happen longterm, I can't move into his flat with my animal baggage and I wouldn't let him move in here, not when The Brat is incapable of flushing the loo after himself.

I asked him this morning to take the bin out as it was overflowing and I was trying to clean the kitchen before logging on, he then took it out of the bin and put it on the floor. So I ended up having to do that as I can't leave it lying about or the dogs will be in it.

URGH. He says he's only just got up and can't do this, but I got up this morning, walked the dogs for an hour, cleaned the kitchen, emptied the dishwasher, reloaded it and then did the bin for him.

If I can do and spot this stuff, why can't he? And why does it always lead to an argument? 

 We've just got back from Valencia together, a fantastic 5 days of drinking and hanging out. I got to show him some of how eccentric Spain can be. 

On Tuesday we went to a bar that was empty and I was chatting in my terrible Spanish to the bar owner and he kept offering us free shots and then called his mate over to play table football with us and let me go use his Spotify to play music and we got a new appreciation for the Housemartins and I got horribly drunk and threw up.

We went to the beach and got burnt and played in the sea. We went to the aquarium and science museum and visited the old town.

We went to a bar themed as an American Speakeasy, hidden behind an apocothery theme and the MOST amazing Hawaiian themed bar.

He asked me when I started to change my opinion of him just using me for rebound sex and I told him how I melted when he washed my hair and he laughed at me.

We rode electric paddleboards and ate chain paella and I introduced him to Tinto de verano and ate so much ice cream.

I said that I was ready to stop playing Secret Squirrel if he was and I guess we'll see how that decides to unravel itself.

The Brat is back with his GF but I'm super grateful for him to have looked after the dogs for that time. 

 I don't know what to say except tell you its still going on, we're going to Valencia in June, that he's coming to meet my flyball friends in May and we're still Secret Squirrel around our mutuals. I still feel a little odd about it every now and then and worry its not going to last and then overthink things and then have to remind myself that he wouldn't wanna do this with me in the future if he wasn't happy in the here and now.

Can't just roll with it though, always looking internally for something that means its coming to an end. Stupid fucked up Charbs.

The Brat is back. Well we all know it wouldn't last but the reason is sad. She has an eating disorder apparently, got hospitalised with pneumonia and severe dehydration. He tried to help her but she wasnt able to accept the help. 

He said, that he'd seen enough people die and wasn't ready to do so again and came home.

 The whole wee Situationship continues. Its been so much fun, we've been Bowling and to a fairground thing at Canary Wharf, he's met the dogs and we walked around Lullingstone and a meal and he stayed at mine, we've been to the cinema a couple of times and an immersive interactive shooting thing and drank a lot of cocktails together. 

And fucked. A lot. I deffo think I have more experience than him and he admitted last weekend that sex with his ex had been mediocre to poor at best. (personally I think that if he was as rough with her as he tries with me, no wonder the poor in-experienced cow would have majorly gone off of sex)  

And I've caught feelings, I have hard, right from when he washed my hair, he's kind and gentle and considerate, all stuff I've known because of the friendship but realising properly now. I just keep thinking (screaming) in my head when we're together that "I Fucking adore you" and I'm not saying owt yet as... well.... E2.0 fucked up around this time and its still too soon and I'm acting like a fucking horny teenager.

We're still playing Secret Squirrel amongst our friends which is fun and taking it slow, just seeing each other at the weekend and I'm starting to want to push this along a bit more, take him to Dog events and that which kick off for the summer this weekend. 

And speaking of acting like a horny teenager, apparently at the same time this whole shit kicked off, The Brat met someone and has practically moved in with them and if stalking his Facebook is correct, got engaged!!!

I'm so concerned about it, we know he's not obviously able to rationise things like others. What's the deal with this girl? Does she have the same learning difficulties as him? She must do as he doesn't even fucking own a toothbrush and the last time I saw him, he had only taken one weeks worth of clothes to hers. Which I hope to God he's washing as its not nearly a month later....

I want him to be happy, I do. Genuinely. And its nice not having his mess everywhere and I can tidy the house more but fuck what is going on?

Finally in this quick update. I've taken a loan out. I'm hoping I can be responsible with it. I've used it to clear all my credit cards and it will only be paying back 50 quid more a month than what I pay now. September 2025, it'll all be over, she says praying to every God that's ever existed. 

 I guess we're dating now?

Theatre good, loved it. A bit of hand holding and a sheepish kiss goodbye on the tube. He booked us tickets for the end of Feb to some replica funfair thing over at Canary Wharf.

He asked if I wanted to do something two Fridays ago and we went to see Avatar, afterwards he invited me in and we kissed some more and he asked me if I'd stay and I wanted sex so said yes.

He was rough, and I kept getting him to stop and slow down, but he was like a horny teenager, all hands everywhere and it was awkward. I genuinely asked the poor fuck if he'd ever actually slept with anyone before as I couldn't believe his ex would have let that behaviour slide. He laughed at me. He promised to take it steady so we can get used to the idea and that we'd carry on being honest with each other.

I arranged for the Boy to look after the dogs last Friday as we were supposed to be meeting our mutual friends for the early kick off at his local and it was still very awkward and I guess a bit of an "ick, I can't believe we're doing this?" factor, we went to a pub over in Welling and then came back again and did manage to actually fuck. 

In the morning we showered and oh god, I nearly turned into a melting dribbly girl as he washed my hair. No one has ever done that before. Not even Welshy back in the early days. I'm falling. I really am and I don't want to, not yet. 

We played Secret Squirrel among his friends which is amusing me greatly, having this little secret no one knows about! 

Blogging as I need to get my thoughts down and all my friends are too involved for me to open up to them.

The whole J thing had been playing on my mind and I was so looking forward to the theatre that I worried it would be ruined by this whole pre NYE kiss thing, so I invited myself around so we could watch the Charlton/Man U game as I was able to stream the game despite it not being on UK TV. 

(The 3-0 score was NOT deserved at all!)
Anyway, the game was good so we only spoke of football and general chat and it was platonic and fine and I decided that we were both slightly regretting the moment of drunken madness and things were now back to normal and part of me was relieved about that and also, a teeny tiny part that I didn't want to admit to, was disappointed.

Anyway. I rehomed some of the books his ex had left and he insisted on carrying all three of them down to the car for me as you know, I'm a fragile little thing....

At the car he paused and said. "I don't really know how I'm supposed to say goodbye to you now." And I assumed that's cos he normally kisses me on the cheek and hugs me goodbye and he felt it inappropriate now or slightly awkward.

So I said, to do what he felt right and he asked what I meant by that and I realised that perhaps it could be taken another way and got a bit flustered and before I could explain, he's kissing me very thoroughly.

This whole thing is nuts. I feel now that perhaps, he thinks I invited myself around for the wrong reason or that I've led him on. 
Theatre next Monday, so we'll see how shit goes down then.....

 How the actual fuck has it been seventeen years since that Wednesday we sat around the hospice and watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and waited for that last breath.

I think of you often, its a lifetime away but yet sometimes still as vivid as if it were yesterday. 

 So I didn't blog yesterday as I and some friends did the 13 mile Bewl Water walk - in under 4 hours!!!
And naturally I was fucked.

Back to work - well WFH this week cos of train strikes, so easing myself in gently, mostly by deleting the junk emails that clog the inboxes up!

So this year? It was a good year actually, the first one in ages. It started shittily with the leg issue but I figure if it can manage that walk, its pretty good as its going to be. All my loans were paid off in May and now its the slow slog of paying back credit card debit. I had really, really hoped that I would have paid one by now but its not worked that way, I cancelled two cards completely and am on a payment plan for them, it sucks as I can only pay back the minimum payment but on the other hand, there's no interest building up. I still rely on the others more than I'm happy about but at least the other two I have no temptation or ability to spend.

Things still suck because the car needs work and its so hard to remain motivated about ridding myself of debt when I know, as soon as I have a decent amount, I'll need to use it to get rid of the car issue.

I really, really want a holiday this year. I'm 40. i've not been away since 2019, 2017 was the last new country I visited, but we've got to remain strong.

I gave up Sharemare. Part of me misses her and riding a lot. The other part of me, is glad i'm not rushing about after work in the dark and cold and wet to go up and sort her out and the money i'm saving on her and petrol helps my budget.

The dogs have been fucking awesome. Mrs Spaniel as always and Mrs Collie, God I can't even tell you about how proud I am of her and the work we have done.

I met E 2.0. I'm still slightly bewildered about it all, why he didn't have the balls to deal with it properly. But now the dust has settled, its good. The bad sex and performance issues would have started to grate long term and he was just a bit..... well.... dull. I was fooling myself by starting to fall for him when long term it would have made me bored, miserable and just chuntering alone.

There's the issue with J. I'm going to the theatre with him obviously in two weeks time and today I asked if he wanted to watch the Charlton/Man U game at his which he was up for. Am I making the same mistake about convincing myself I have feelings I don't? Is he doing the same? I really don't know. I'm hoping we can have some clear the air talks before the theatre so i'm not left wondering.

I'm really looking forward to that. It's To Kill A Mockingbird - one of my ultimate favourite books and it has Papa from Stranger Things in it as Atticus and I fell hard for Stranger Things over the summer, so hoping it'll be good, hoping it won't be awkward. We'll see. 

So belatedly. It's time to tell 2022 to fuck off and Welcome in 2023. Who knows what it has in store? After pandemics and Queens dying, its hard to make any predictions!  

 I know I need to do an end of year round up but I just want to ponder the question of - Is it wrong that I'm such a regular at my Chinese take away, that they find it acceptable to send me to the shops for them to get their lottery lucky dips?