Went for interview Thursday.

Good point.
 Unlike last one, I'd have an office. Rather than a divided corner in the middle of an Indian cash n carry.

Bad point.
I'd have to pretend to be three different people. Including Irene from Accounts.

Now that's a dream career move!

Vienna was really nice. I really recommend it for anyone fancying a short break somewhere. I even managed to get there despite flying to Bratislava! Small problem actually getting off of the train in Ed's town but I combatted that over the next few days by making sure I got on the train carriage with the most people on so someone else could open the door for me! Cunning eh?
I spent most of my time lurking in Welshy's room though, despite him telling me it was ok to spend his money I felt guilty and to be honest. I felt a bit urk and unwilling to explore much.
Went to Vienna to see the Spanish Riding School. A childhood dream realised. Saw morning exercise and then a grand tour of the stableyard and tack areas.
Lovely.
Had another fit of the glumps walking about though and declared to Welshy that it wasn't all that really. When I did have a nice time, just a shame I didn't have the money to visit any of the museums and things.
Went into the Butterfly House though. EVERYONE loves butterflies!
Had an explore around Schwechat (Welshy's town), walking down by the river where I was bemused as to whether they have or had beaver living in the rivers.
Epic night of drinking on Friday. My First proper session since returning from Spain and I got drunk very, very quickly.
Ended up requesting that Welshy took me to the room at 3am where I promptly fell asleep.
Woke up at 8 to get back into Vienna to see the proper riding school performance. I think if I go again then I'd make sure I paid for the real seats as although I could see about 3/4 of the arena, I did miss a few things and had people in front of me preventing me from seeing a lot of the "airs above the ground"
Small complaint about the monghead who took a flash photo of the 8-horse performance despite them saying no photos which spooked one and generally with horses if one spooks then flight instinct takes over and they all spook!
Could have caused an incident but apart from that the performance was a dream.

Back home now and its pissing with rain. Applied for 8 jobs yesterday and one already today. Weathers rained heavily since Sunday morning and I'm not too impressed at this and my chances for riding this week.
(hate riding in rain, Idiotpony is convinced crocodiles live in puddles and my glasses steam up making it impossible to see).
Ah well. Tomorrows another day and Welshy will be back Friday night.

Well I did the the three days and my God were they tiring! I was leaving the house not long after 7am, working close to 10 hrs with a 20 minute break and then getting home around 9pm.
I am NOT designed to sit there for 10 hours straight, I got terrible cramp in my legs and the SAP program I was using has ridiculously tiny font.
I had a bit of an argument about it with Mother about if they'd offer me a full time position. I don't think I could do it, it'd kill me. I'd have no time for anything during the week, football or riding and I would just be shattered at weekends.
Part time maybe but fulltime is just stupid.
H2 sent me a lovely parcel! With sweeties in and a lovely card to cheer me up!
Had a lovely session on the Idiotpony on Friday. We've been working on building up muscles and co-ordination for canter and although we have nailed it on one rein, its still non-existent on the other.
Still... it'll come and I'm very pleased with him and the work I've done with him. He's turning into a lovely little pony, if still very opinionated about when he's had enough work!
Rather depressingly I went to the Bank today and asked to close my ISA. I'm tired of being nearly 4k in debt and my ISA will cover that, I can always start saving again I suppose!

Hopefully will get paid soon from this temp work and hopefully will get some more lined up upon my return!
Applying for shop work now for Christmas. Depressing times.


BUT! I'm going to Vienna on Monday! Whooopie!

Went for another lovely early morning hack with the Sunny-pony, slightly jumpy today but he's only been ridden once this week, so probably a bit fresh, he's so unfit bless him. Did lots of sitting trot work with him! So comfy, like a moving sofa!
Hung about for a bit afterwards and helped his owner bathe him for a show tomorrow. While I was waiting I got a call from the agency I did the days work for and may have work lined up for the middle of next week. That'd be fab! Especially if it is the full three days.
Oh yeah, I've just been looking at my balance and I'm getting my JSA payment on Monday. So confused now! Does that mean I've not been punished for missing the appointment? Or has it just not kicked in yet? Answers on a postcard please!!

So yeah, despite having no money I'm going to Vienna in two weeks to see Welshy. Going to the Spanish Riding school and then probably just sit in the hotel room all day finding something that is free to do! Hahaha!
Yay For Welshy for paying for my accommodation! And Yay for Credit cards and cheap cheap Ryanair flights!

Ok, so I'm seriously fucked. Went straight from well dodgy job interview to sign on, where the advisor casually informs me they're cancelling my claim.

I act like a complete idiot and burst into tears, apparently I need to reclaim as Welshy is away for so long now that he's being taken from their system and I need to reapply as a single person. Right. So the last time we did this was when he was away for a month and I couldn't finish my claim as I needed his wage slips, which get posted when he gets home. In three weeks, possibly five.
So once they get hold of that it can take two weeks to process and provide me with money. That's a potential seven weeks without money.

I manage to get a hold on myself without making too much of an idiot and then they inform me that i'm being punished for failing to attend when requested two signing on dates and phoned to reschedule.
One is deeply, deeply unfair, I was due to sign on at 11.45. I was there. The reception lady told me I wasn't due till 2pm, I questioned this, was told to phone an office in Belfast, who told me I was due to sign on at 12.30. Well I couldn't do that. I had an interview in Vauxhall, I left, phoned up to make a new appointment. As requested I sent email proof that I was attending an interview. So. Punished for doing what they want me to do, to find work. I jumped through all the hoops. No good.

Minus one weeks money (not sure when that's due to come, too distraught to question) so. Half of 145 gone. I burst into sobs. Again. I can and am appealing this decision but frankly I have no hope or faith in me getting it back. Especially with them cancelling my claim and wiping themselves from their books. I no longer exist as far as the Job Centre care.

But what am I to do? I have no more savings! In face I'm down to the last 14.20 in my account before.... I don't even know what will happen. Will I be declared bankrupt? I just don't know!
So I phoned up Belfast in desperation and pleaded my case. Some faceless machine suggested I sell my pets, my birds, Geronimo when I said about needing to pay for them. He also suggested I apply for a "Crisis Loan" which apparently takes two weeks to process and can be paid back out of my JSA when I get it again.

I hung up and sobbed all the way home.

How can I get a loan when I can't afford the repayments? What else am I supposed to cut out of my life? Mum says I can just owe her rent until I get sorted and then pay her back. Maybe I should sell my animals, I have a few babies from this year's clutch. I should stop paying to go ride. That'd save me 13.50 a week. I don't go out apart from that, but I'm slowly sinking further and further into debt. 

I can/will have to see if I can access my ISA, its locked away and I guess I will pay a fine. Fuck, I've saved and scrimped forever to have some emergency savings. They were supposed to be for a horse or house. I'm never going to be in a position to afford a horse or to move out.
If I can't get into that, I will have to see if I can move some credit card money over and get bigger interest payments from that, but hopefully I could get JSA again within the month to cover payments?

I don't know anymore. My head hurts from crying and I can't breathe and I don't know what to do for best.

Had really nice day with H2 and Oldest Child at paralympics, my face got burnt! lol! Watched Oscar Grumpypants pick up his silver and David Wier get his Gold.
I really regretted having no money, couldn't afford to buy a nice souvenir and I couldn't afford to buy tea or anything to drink until H2 gave me one of her water bottles. On my way home I counted my change and thought I could buy a small portion of chips on my way home (There's nothing to eat in the house, I can't afford to shop for me and The Brat and so he's started buying his own food and I simply can't - I've lived off of 5 for £3 supernoodles and peanut butter sandwiches all week - and then Brat ate three quarters of a jar of  peanut butter in one of his unholy concoctions, so then I ate bread and butter sandwiches! Thank fuck Mum's home tomorrow!)
Anyway, turned out I was 2p short for chips so I ate another packet of supernoodles when I got home! Hahaha!
I was so hopeful that I could sell the three paradressage tickets I had spare for tomorrow after people let me down and gain 30 quid but I can't and I just cried all the way home on the 386.

I've always kinda felt that things would get better, even on days when I've written here and been utterly miserable. But I just don't think that anymore. I think this is it. I will never be able to afford to escape Mother and the Brat and their poison. Life will never get any better than it was at the NMM, when I thought I had friends before that was destroyed. I'm going to look for shop work again. I was stupid to pretend that I'm good enough to do anything else. Fuck I've even learnt that I don't have enough experience to work in a Museum(!) After three fucking years as a Gallery Assistant and One as a Supervisor.

I dreamt I died the other night, I felt my heart stop and my blood stop pounding. It hurts I learnt. But a numbing kind of pain, but I was scared and I don't want that to happen. Thursday I will go see Sunny Pony and I will have nothing for three hours to concentrate on but him. I need that, he needs me.
And then after that he will need me on Saturday. Then my two days next week. I need to focus on those days and work forward constantly to them.

So. Two weeks ago Welshy headed to Vienna for work, was expecting him home yesterday. So why's he not at home? Well, he volunteered for a week in Milan, and then got offered two more weeks in Vienna and a possible two more after that. Not sure if I'll ever see him again! Haha!
Jobhunting is still sucky, went and did a days attempted shredding in an office in Angel the other day, didn't want me on the second day, although I never discovered that until after I arrived in the office. Didn't matter so much in the end. I had a nice day out, went to British Museum to see the exhibit about Arabian horses, and then to the Natural History Museum, where I blagged two free tickets to see Animals Inside Out and one about Scott of the Antarctic.



Fuck me! Just watched some Brazilian cripple smash Oscar Pistorus. Simply flew along! Off tomorrow to meet H2 and Oldest Child to get me some para-athletics action and then para-dressage on Tuesday. Bit pissed about the dressage, two years ago when I found out I could get tickets ahead of schedule for them and the Olympics, I got 4 tickets, shame how now I can't find anyone to take them, and believe me 30 quid would be VERY welcome now! Serious cash flow problems.

Oscar's a bit grumpy btw about having lost, reckons his bouncy blades were cheating or something?

I took Idiotpony for our first solo hack today! Thought it might end disasteriously as I got off and walked with him a few times as he got frightened and being a baby needs someone to follow to give him confidence. Ended out for nearly 3 hours though! Such an adventure!

Am taking him to use a school on Thursday. Wish I hadn't arranged this now I know the true extent of my finances! Turned down taking him to a show next Sunday. Simply can't afford to buy the new things I need.

Ah well. The next two days should be awesome and Welshy was talking about buying me flights to Vienna which'd be fab! Need a holiday! Hahaha!