So its the end of the year and time for another review.

I think I pretty much covered everything I wanted to say about how the years gone in my previous post.
I've had highlights - Holidays. Fagia. Living with Welshy. and I've had lowlights. Nanny getting iller. STILL being at the museum.
Been a bit of a nothing year really, when in the past I've had huge highlights to talk about and think back on.
My resolutions are the same, but I'm going to try and blog more. I miss it sometimes, even though its a bit of a chore sometimes and hard when I share Welshy's laptop.
Its good to put your thoughts down sometimes. Get them out of your head, when you cant express them verbally.
And have them come out as gibberish when I do write it down.

Never mind.

So a super big FUCK OFF to 2oo9 and bring on the New decade and NEW YEAR!!

Happy New Year!

I had set one of my India injections today.
Now my arm is numb and I cant lift it. Gay.
More to come next week! Booo!
I'm glad I dont really have a problem with needles, but its not pleasant! Welshy is back home tomorrow, providing he makes it through the snow and I can come back on the Saturday.
Cant wait. Fed up at home. Ready to go back.

I feel good about this year ending. I've looked lately at my previous End of year/Christmas posts and they seem so desperately sad. Depressed.
I started this year and spent most of it, feeling the same way. Depressed.
but I feel good now. Positive. I had an epiphany halfway through the year to stop living my life compared to other people and live it how I want.

My New Years resolutions have always been the same. To leave home, to get a proper job, to travel more.
I went to Dublin and New York this year. Dublin is pretty if a little touristy-trappy and New York was, well fucking mental.
I'm glad I went, I did the typical touristy things and ticked them off of the mental list I carry in my head. But America is a strange place with strange people in it, more over the top, more fake-seeming. I wouldnt go back to New York. I'm not cut out for big cities and large crowds.
I did get to move out and in with Welshy, I hate the people we're forced to live with, but a few days at home has reminded me that its loads better than being here.
I like being with him, I hope he likes it too.
I like the effect he has on me, he calms and sedates the part of me thats constantly restless, needing entertainment and to be on the go. Although he complains that I'm constantly tapping my foot or jiggling when we watch telly.
I dont even know i'm doing it half the time.
Its so funny to think that we met four years ago and I dismissed him as being "ok, but no spark" and that he became my almost constant companion for a year before we got together and not one thought of what might happen crossed my mind then!

I still havent got a real job. But you know what? Its ok. I have a test/interview on the 6th (co-incidence that its Dad's deathday? and if I get past that, the interview will be on his funeral day? You decide.)
It'd be good money if I get it.
I want to go back to uni though. I got rejected cos of my lack of maths, but its ok. I'm working my way slowly through the Maths course with lots of tears and tantrums, but its going ok. I hate maths, will always panic if faced with a number higher than 20 but hopefully i'll get that C and then go into clearing.
Once I've done that year long course I want to go do a TEFL course. Welshy longs to escape the UK and live abroad in the south of France, or Italy.
I am an Anglophile. I love travelling and seeing new things, but I always want to come home to what's familiar to me. Foods. Transport. Shitty weather. Plants and animals. Football.
But a year abroad, that appeals.
That's different. That's an adventure. To say that you've lived abroad and can speak another language like a local. To a different way of life.
So if I manage to go down that route, who knows where I'll end up!?

I'm travelling again soon. To India. On the 18th of January for three weeks. I can't wait. it'll kill that travelling bug for now.

I read through some of my earlier posts lately and I cringe at them. How pathetic and childish I was.
Now I realise how much me and my friends have grown and changed.
CL is married two years now to UDOBF (I posted here about how it wouldn't last! How she wanted another man when she first slept with him!) Now she has his child.
I miss MH still a year after we fell out, She was the last person back then that I thought would let me down. But I can't forgive or forget the cruel way she acted.
TP and TJ have their own house, comfortable with their hens and dogs and being in the countryside. I cant imagine any man splitting them up, anymore than I could then.
JF has been living with her bf for two years as has STF. (I still remember him declaring "Charlton this one's different! I dont wanna cheat on her!")
He hasnt neither.
Two cousins that I played with as children have either married or got kids of their own. OF has got married. I am not in touch with her at the moment. I miss that easy friendship we once had.
I started this blog when I was twenty. I am now twenty-six. We are all grown up, no matter how I try to pretend different.
I started this obsessed with a guy who didnt deserve my blind devotion. I havent spoken, nor thought of him for years. Last I heard from MH was that he'd had a kid with the sister of the girl he was seeing at the time.
Lucky escape for me I guess.
I then got involved with a guy who didnt care about me and vice versa. I went to him for comfort that no one could provide for me, when I felt like the lonliest person in the world and when I felt perhaps I could open up to him, he shattered that.
I stayed in touch and we parted as friends, speaking occasionally. But I grew a backbone and got rid and dont regret it.
I have Welshy. My best friend. Maybe not the person I expected back then. But better. (I'd better say that as he reads this)

Its six years since we were the Rowditch Avenue gang, when MH and I did Pound A Pint mondays watching football, eating Pizza, and she cried on the end of my bed after leaving Jena, after a year together, after STF cheated on her. I miss that carefree time, but I dont dwell and wish for it back like I used to. Life is for looking forward. Not back.
I think about the girl who started this blog and I wonder what she'd have thought of my decisions to leave animals and try and become a teacher. She'd be horrified and refuse to believe it probably. But as long as I have animals about me, I'll be ok.
She'd not believe the twists and turns and how friends could turn out to not be.
I am a different person now. Changed by my experiences.

It is four years on the 6th since Dad died. I miss him. Perhaps I'll mention it then, like I've done on here in the past. But at the moment I do not feel sad about him dying. I am glad he lived and was my Dad. Mother feels ready at last to scatter his ashes and we're going to do that in the Summer.
Another sign of moving on...

2009 is ending better than it started, when I feared nothing would ever get any better and I'm confident 2010 will be even better.
My resolutions remain the same. Home of my own, travelling, new job. We'll see how it goes. I still want to achieve the 6 goals I set myself to do by the time I'm 30.
Will I still be writing this bollocks in another 6 years? Fuck knows. But it'll be interesting to see what will happen next...

more horrid and dangerous conditions today. Rain and Snow on top of the ice we already have. I waited nearly an hour and a half for a bus home, only to have that bus terminate after twenty minutes when we'd not moved as he couldnt make it up the hill.
I didnt fare much better, I had handrails to hold onto and hauled myself up with those, I saw a private ambulance slide back down the hill, smelt the rubber tyres burning as they tried to dig in.
I nearly got run over by a car stuck in a hopeless skid as I tried to cross the road. It was ok though. it missed me and it was going too slow to do anything but bump into pavement gently.
I was very scared though.
In total it took me over two hours and forty minutes to do what takes normally half hour on the bus or 40 minutes walking. And I only waited for the bus as I feared walking that hill anyway!

Still I'm warm now and busy putting Beatles songs onto my iphone. I'd like to know how to blog by using that but I cant seem to master that. I have problems working the damn ting anyway. Technology and me dont mix well.

Back home for Chrimbo...
Can't believe that just across the river, like three miles from home is my flat and yet there is no snow there. Here its covered and with glass like ice thats just as slippy.
Yuck.
Injections for India are booked, hopefully Welshy can get my visa sorted when he goes up to do his and then its all systems go! Go! Go!
I've been looking up diving centres there and picking at the remains of the scab from where Fagia bit me nearly 4 weeks ago now.
She went for me again when I was rugging her up but I dodged this time! Hurrah!
I do enjoy riding her, she's very different from the other scatty beasts I've been on, who if they get scared of something WILL not go past.
You can almost feel her thought processes as I go round...

"Jesus, shitting Christ!! What the fuck is that? NO WAY in hell am I walking past that pole/jump block combo. Its going to kill me. Look at it. Its evil. Are you mad? I'm going to run! I'm fast nothing will catch me!
Hey wait, why are you circling me around it, didnt I just tell you how evil it is? There is no way I'm going near it. Nope. No way. No. I'm stopping here. Where its safe and then as soon as its not looking i'm going to run.... NOW!
Again? Shit what is wrong with you? Well if you say its ok, I might believe you, but i'm walking EXREMELY FAST... oh alright we'll go at your speed, if you reckon its safe i'll try for you but I'm not convinced.
Hey I lived!"

And then we do the whole process when she reaches it again, or if she sees a killer sparrow.
Funny old thing!

CL had a baby this morning! She's called it Emily Grace. its 7 pounds, pretty ugly looking to be fair and apparently it was a tough labour. Been a tough old pregnancy for her, her first as well.
Congrats to her. I'm still very determindedly anti-child. I have far too much I want to do before I get round to even considering the idea and I'm only going to consider it when Welshy can carry it and give birth. Like a grumpy sea-horse.

I know! Mega long updating breaks!
Welshy's laptop is no nearer being fixed and iphone doesnt seem to have an app for blogging.
Anyway!
So I failed in all my attempts to go back to uni, its ok, there's clearing in September. I'm pretty depressed about it really, it'd have been nice to have a semi-concete offer at least.
I've actually quite enjoyed volunteering at her nursery, although the kids seem to spoil all my fun when I'm cleaning out the stinky fish tank or making sandcastles.
So fingers crossed that i'll get clearing cos really the museum is getting worse and worse daily. Our big main galleries are closing to be replaced by cafes/shops/wet play areas for kids and the main displays are being sent on loan to who ever wants them and our Visitor Services department, already under-appreciated and hit on by higher-ups is being thrown further into disarray by the recruitment of volunteers to do our jobs.
We got our back dated pay increase a few weeks back. I was really pissed to find that apparently I was only deserving of 3% despite doing over 18 added tasks and people that do nothing or loads less got 4%+ so I went to see the head of VS and asked her how when the initial pay offer came through it stated that average GAS would recieve in the region of 2-3% while those above average in the region of 5%.
She then went on about all the added tasks so I then hit her with my list and asked her why so and so got more for doing less.
Anyway, they're reviewing my pay in the New Year so Wheeee!

Speaking of the New Year, I might be off on my travels again. Some of Welshy's friends are heading to India, and it looks like we might be joining them!
We're gonna head to Goa for a week of beach/sea based fun and then I'm leaving Welshy with his mates as "why do I wanna see the Taj Mahal? I've seen a picture in a book and I saw a tiger at the zoo!"
So then, and fingers crossed cos E is still waiting on her leave. She's gonna come join me in Mombai/Bombay and we're gonna backpack about for two weeks before rejoining Welshy and flying home!
Its gonna be epic! But I have so much to do before the New Year... Flights/Visa's/ Injections....

Injections... I need my Tetanus updated.
I've been riding a new horse, Fagia, she's an imported Arab racehorse from the states, she's green, convinced EVERYTHING is about to kill her, loves her speed and hates stopping.
I'm used to all these batshit mental horses. But there's nothing about this horse to love.
I have a scar on my arm from where. And I'm quite convinced about this, she tried to kill me.
Its not an exaggeration. I've been around horses for the last 20 odd years, I know when they're grumpy and when they just don't want people about. I've been kicked and bitten and thrown off.
anyway, nearly three weeks ago now, I'd just gotten off her after a ride and had brushed the sweat off and was unfolding her rug in the corner of her stable.
Minding my own buisness, one eye on her, doing nothing to frighten or spook her, when BAM she swings her back end round and catches me off balance, luckily I didnt fall, I put my hand on her back to steady myself, but she shoved her weight against me again, trying to push me into the corner.
She could have kicked me there and then and it'd have hurt and broken bones but this was a deliberate thought out action, to pin me into the corner and then lash out.
And I dont fancy much being whacked with metal shoes with half a ton of angry horse behind them.
So I darted out under her neck, and she grabbed me by the arm with her teeth and dragged me a couple of feet.
Luckily I was wearing a thick, loose hoody and although she broke the skin with her teeth and left marks I wasnt too badly hurt.
I was totally shaken up and bemused by her actions, like I said. I know when a horse is acting out of fear or anger but this was pure evil.
I was shaking and then thought "I'm not gonna let you get away with that" and I went for her, slapping and hitting every part of her I could reach and I chased her round the stable screeching at her!
I rugged her up and left her in the end though.
Evil bitch! I'm on her again next week, lets see what games she pulls then!

Here I am at my Mum's again. Welshy has managed to destroy his laptop and quite frankly, I've been utterly exhausted by events to summon up any blogging want.
So... Yeah, I've applied to two schools to do a Graduate Teacher Program, well I applied to one and called the headmaster a woman, so not sure that'll go down well and the other school hasnt even replied to my request for more information. So you can take that what way you like!
I still havent finished my PGCE application despite starting it in September and the deadline being 1 Dec.

My maths is coming along slowly, in fact there's been more tears and tantrums than actual maths progression, but I've nearly finished the first module and only have 8 more to go... If only I could remember anything that I've done!

Family wise.... God its best not to ask, my Nanny's Alzehimers seem's to have developed massively and she's taken to running away from home, twice this has resulted on her getting on a ferry to North Woolwich and three times she's been found and brought back.
Because of this she's spending the night at my house and I've been relegated to a mattress on the floor.
Its really upset my mum and stressing me out, not only for the fear that something could happen to her (Lets face it Wooly isn't the safest place to be, you only have to look at my adventures working in the Health Food Shop that Can't be Named for that!)
Plus its giving my uncles and aunts more reason to put her into a home.
And lets get things straight. I'm not saying that a home will be the best place for her in the future, but its not now. What she needs now is a routine, she's happiest and most coherent when left to her own devices, knitting shapeless blankets, or deadheading roses in her garden in an attempt to weed.
She runs away from home cos my uncle J has moved in, to live rent-free and supposedly to care for her and Granddad. This "caring" consists of disappearing for days on end without telling anyone, leaving them without food or by trying to force them into building a shower unit for him, and moving all their possessions around.
(Oh and his "caring" went as far as ringing mum last Thursday to tell her that she'd gone missing and then going to work himself while mum rushed out of work AGAIN and spent all day with her calming her back down once the police brought her home.)
This is what upsets her and makes her ill in the head and makes her revert to thinking she's 14 and working in a care home on the other side of the water.
It stress Mum out and she's ill enough, without this, her work can't be expected to allow her to rush away all the time when her 4 brothers, 1 sister and their two wives can't even be fucked to go round there and see that they're ok.
And this is whats playing right into his hands for forcing them into a care home and having the house to himself.
My Nanny doesnt want him there, she won't go to sleep cos "there's a strange man in her house" he takes her things, whether this is cos he's taking them or cos he's moved them who knows?
But he's making her iller than she is and it'll force them into a home and we can't get him out as all the rest of the family support him being there.

Last night I met up with STF to go see the final England Qualifier at Wembley. It was a pretty dire and boring match as neither team had much to play for, and how can Becks get Man of Match after only playing like 20 minutes?!
Honestly people, he's so shite its untrue and I swear the world is just fooled by the hype.
And before I get on my Beckham rant, people were leaving the game with 20 minutes to go, and yeah we were 3-0 up but really?!
You've paid 30-40 quid, maybe more to see this match, spent a fiver on a programme, spent another fiver on cheap and nasty food and god knows how much on travel and drink and now you're leaving "to beat traffic"? Wankers.
EVERYONE knows that you stick it out to the end, no matter how bad!

Anyway, at the end I left the ground, got lost walking down a STRAIGHT ROAD and walked about the back streets of Wembley for an hour before finding myself back at the stadium, only seperated by a motorway and a large IKEA. So I had to get a bus until I found a train station to ride back into the city.
My directional skills have improved DRASTICALLY over the years....

STF told me about A during the match. Now A has always veered and possibly more than once crossed the line from "heavy drinker" to "virtual alcoholic" in fact the day after we met the lads for the first time he ended up in hospital getting his stomach pumped due to alcohol poisoning.

Anyhoo, he went to Rugby a few weeks ago to meet JN and V more lads that we hung with in Derby. Got absolutely wankered and drank for about 15 hours solid, then realised he needed to get back up to Sheff for the local derby match.
Somewhere in the middle of the day on the busy M1 motorway he passed out at the wheel of his car, and woke up to find, that somehow he'd spun across 3 lanes of traffic and rather determindly driven into a wall.
Fuck only knows how he didn't kill himself or anyone else!
Anyway, he's got whiplash and a fucking great gash on his forehead from where he smashed the steering wheel but he's ok. Lost his license of course, but it seems to be the wake-up call to sort himself out and the last word from STF was that he'd not drunk in nearly a month.
I bet his liver is pleased and hopefully he'll either remin teetotal or this'll scare him into at least not drinking and driving!

A wee little catch up here. Everythings going fine, I love being around Welshy all the time and we're both infecting each other with moments of madness. We're seriously considering the idea of going to do a TEFL course in Prague next year for a month.
Where we're going to get the money from I dont know. Guess i'll be hitting the over time pretty hard!
I love having my freedom back, I've been here there and everywhere, staying out late! Imagine! Past 12! On a School Night!
I dislike the fact that I have a lot less money than I did living at home, but I'm coping, just.
I still feel insanely guilty for leaving Mother and she likes to inform me about her meals for one and her loneliness.
But this is good. This is the right move. I havent yet made an effort with the people I live with. I loathe them, but its all good.
I just need more money to carry out my random schemes!

I fell out with MH just after Xmas, there had been a huge amount of just general shit that I had taken from her, comments about how "I was only moving back home" (when Dad got diagnosed) "so you can avoid getting a job" and "oh why bother finishing your degree?" How my mother's accident was a convient excuse on my part to stay at home and not join in the real world.
(yeah cos nursing her and panicking cos I was told that she could suffer a stroke) is really me avoiding the world. (I never really blogged about this, it was the start, I think of me not being as avid to record my every move as I was once)
How she ignored when I told her of my Granddads own cancer battle, just three years after Dad.
She never once cared about how I was, and I ignored this, tried to put her comments down to just being silly and tactless, but I couldnt never forgive or forget them.

7 years we'd known each other, I'd helped her through all sorts of relationship and university issues. And yet when I needed her, she wasnt there for me. She let me down, but being a bit of a doormat, I let it go unchecked, clinging on to the past and how we'd been in Rowditch.
She made sarky comments, jealous about mine and Welshy's relationship, with him being in Wales at the time, that it wasnt a proper one.
She had affairs with married men, I really disapprove of this, no, what I disapproved of more, is how she made herself the victim in all of it, when it went wrong and the partners eventually found out, she blamed the man, the wife, the girlfriend. I could have just about coped with those actions if she took responsibility for herself.
She miscarried a child, fathered by one of those men.
I supported her through that, albeit at a distance, wondering why, when she'd never been there for me.
My Derby lads, Welshy, they were all angry at me for being this doormat, for not standing up to her, but I remembered long nights talking, endless laughing fits, mini-adventures to football games and late nights at Our Beloved Friary and trips to Derby Grill and I couldnt, somehow throw that away. She needed me, although I, by this time, was sick of her relentless selfishness.
She fell out with H2, and was angry I think, deep down that I stayed friendly with her. H2 came to see me and there were rumours going about, about her actions with those men and the baby.
I felt the best thing to do, was to try and deny knowledge of the baby and say, that yes, there had been an attraction with a married man, but it had stopped before it got too bad. I believed that this would stop the rumours (she's fantastically paranoid about people talking about her) and still protect her and not make her seem like some crazed skank.
She was angry at me when I explained my actions and I'd spent all afternoon that day with my Granddad in the Chemo ward and had run out of patience. So told her to fuck off and that other people had problems too.
She deleted me from FB and MSN after this, blaming me I think for spreading gossip and lies about her. I sent her an email explaining how I felt and that was the last contact we had.
I've heard other stories since, stories that have made me worry about her (and why should I Welshy asks and he's right, but I still cant stop hoping that she's ok)
She left her previous social worker position, because of misconduct. Now I find that it is a case in her current job of "leave or get sacked" because of her unprofessionalism and letting young kids mix with adults who havent been police checked.
I find that a boyfriend she met on facebook, has been taking money and using her cards to get her in shocking amounts of debt, so much so that she faces being made homeless.

I cant help it, I am concerned for her. I am not ready to forgive because I cant forget how much she's hurt me, but I dont want her life to be fucked over, if I ask how she is, she'll assume that I'm apologising at best, at worst if the stories are true/false I will be blamed once again for causing rumours and lies to be spread about her.
I cannot ask CL as she will have been primed to keep her mouth shut.
I really want to know she's ok, but don't know the best way to go about it, nor do I know why, I cant just shrug my shoulders, say "she had it coming" and then move on with my life.

so hey there! I'm partially moved, a drastic shortage of coathangers means I'm regularly tripping over piles of clothes and Geronimo the Tortoise is throwing a massive wibbler over the lack of his super special heat lamp not working, I have a tumble on order, ASK and BWF didnt want it and claim they wont use it, well if i find that they have and wont give me a 100 quid towards it i'll pop the fuse out and take the motor out if I can.
I can be a petty cunt too!
There's a small battle of dominance going on in the fridge, and I've surrendered the living room in exhange for sky multiroom, although Welshy says thats a bad move and we should present a united front.
He rather cunningly managed to get us the largest room and they're in a wee boxroom type thing, although our bed is very creaky, which spoils my enjoyment of other things, as I fear people listening.
So its all going good, I'm at home tonight, as I've been off to give blood and it was just easier to stop here than go back.
(I love the fact that I can get up at 8.10 and still be in work by 9.10 rather than getting up at 7.30 BTW)
I've got my two applications in the post and Welshy is wetting himself with excitement over my maths and is constructing tests and homework for me in his head.
Patronising cunt.
Not managed to get in touch with new stables yet (I wanna learn to jump cross country like Zara Phillips!) and i seem to be being plagued with foreign calls that hang up as soon as I answer.
Ho hum
But yeah. Loving the freedom and Mother seems to be coping so far!
I worried about leaving her all last Saturday and then, I was waiting at the bus stop with Welshy with some of his bags, fretting about how she'd be.
And out of a window drifted...
"here's a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note for note.
dont worry, be happy."
and its really sad and I know its a co-incidence, which is why I never mentioned it to Welshy, who'd do that patronising "aw bless" thing he does.
But that was one of my Dads favourite songs, and he'd hum those lines or sing them to himself under his breath when under a bit of a crisis or when someone came to him with a problem.
So I decided to take it as Dads last bit of advice to me.
And i'm not going to worry or fret about her, but be happy, or as happy as I can possibly be.

Oh god am I doing the right thing? I dont think she's able yet to cope on her own. She's going to be alone and i've deserted her. I'm an evil, evil bitch.
Oh I wish my Dad was here to tell me I'm doing the right thing. I wish he was here to look after her so she's not on her own. So he can tell me I'm doing the right thing by moving with Welshy.
Oh god I wish he was here.

I met The Lizard on Wednesday and we went to Woburn Safari park for a good old fashioned adventure. We also participated in Go Ape! Which everyone should have a go at! Its awesome, clambering about in tree tops, walking across rope bridges, zooming along zip lines, trying to walk a thin plank 30 foot up in the air and swinging tarzan like and being a spider in a web!

Tomorrow I shall be moving, which is exciting and a little scary at the same time, will me and ASK last longer than a week without falling out? Will me and Welshy get on, we've never actually, spent more than a week together in the past two years, three since meeting.
We're thinking of going to Paris on a cheap Eurostar dealy, That'll be fun.

My maths stuff arrived and I'm gonna start working on it as soon as I get settled. I've also seen two really good jobs, one at London Zoo and one at Colchester. Yeah I've been rejected from both places in the past, but maybe new home = new start.
I want the one at Col, it'd be a hellish commute, and i'd have to move nearer in a year but its what I really want to do.
And if I dont get them, I can still apply for uni.

I feel positive. More positive than I have done in a long, long time. For what seems like months I've been comparing myself to other people, my uni friends and feeling that i'm missing out on life as I'm at home, shit job, etc.
But now it's good. I'm moving out, I shall be independent again. I might get one of these jobs, I may not and go do teacher training next year, either way its all good.
And as I was swinging from a tree, I realised. I've done things with my life that they've never done, and now they're all settling down with kids and marriage, may never get to do.
They'll never leap out of a plane on just blind faith that a canvas sheet will open, they'll never scramble down a cave to see beautiful glowworms. They'll never see the same sunset as I did at Top of the Rock, or be homeless for what seemed like hours in what seemed like the coldest night ever in NY.
They'll never hand feed a shark or a pufferfish as I did at the Aquarium or have 200 people hanging on their every word as I have. And as much as I hate my job, I'm constantly stunned by the beauty of the surrounding parkland and the history in the buildings.
I have a lot to be grateful for, a lot of amazing experiences and memories. And I wouldnt trade them at all.

After a eternity of struggling, it seems me and Welshy will be moving in together come Saturday.
Imagine!

and We won the Ashes! Hurrah! I love cricket! Even if I couldnt go to any of the tests and work got in the way of me watching it, i still got to see a good few hours of each match! Hurrah! And we were shite as well!
And in other sporting related news, we're unbeaten in three, and top of the league! We'll be back in that prem yet!

Not sure if its sportingly related, but i've got hopelessly addicted to Bejewelled Blitz on Facebook. Oh the hours i've wasted!

Back in June I set myself a few challenges to reach before I hit 30

1 - I will either own my own place or be living away from home.
2 - I will have that maths GCSE.
3 - And a horse.
4 - I'll have a good job to pay for said horse.
5 - I'm gonna go back to the old driving and very determinedly pass the damn test.

So I have been going about it, I've been making tenative arrangements to take an online Maths course to get my GCSE, quite honestly trying to fit 10 years of maths into one year is gonna be hard. Probably impossible, but if I can improve on that F it'll be a damn sight better than now.
I have also kinda arranged to move out again. And in with Welshy. I'd like nothing more than for it to be us together, but after looking at a few places I slowly realised that its impossible.
So we're going in with his current housemate (BDF) and his Mentalist Girlfriend (ASK), I dislike her intensely and the feeling is fairly mutual.
We have nothing in common and are good at winding each other up, so seeing as I've already threatened to smack her once, i'm not sure how good a move it is. But being with Welshy is.
I'm also reluctantly surrendering my Wednesday Riding Lessons (God Fagia is getting better and better and I'm improving so much!) to go volunteer at my Mams nursery.
Yuck.
I LOATHE children, honestly.
I question my own sanity about considering going into a career where I'd be stuck with the shits all day, every day. But the benefits'd be better than being at the Museum day in and day out.

I hate that place, I hate the inanity of a job where I spend all day alone. Wehre I get sent on a course telling me to greet every visitor. I hate how management implement crazy ideas, and ignore staff explaining over and over how it wont work, until someone threatens to sue and then they suddenly change tack. (a shipping reference I learnt the other day)
I hate how they ignore health and safety and disability discrimation acts, and have a grand plan to rid the museum of artifacts and make it a giant shop/cafe/playground.
I hate the fact that the overtime is given to the managers favourites and when I manage to get some scraps, I find I'm taxed for the food I am given and the taxi's home as its impossible for me to walk home at 7pm through the park in Winter.
Most of all I hate the fact that although they deny redunancies and unfairness in pay, that we all know its happening, but are unable to say anything.

So perhaps teaching, and the weekends and long holidays and proper money will be better.

2 of my 5 targets are underway. I shall be using this next year to try and get myself accepted back into uni so I can get hold of target 4, and from there, complete the 5.

Why are parents so good at making you feel guilty?

Since May, Mother has been on and on about going away during the summer hols, I've been putting her off, but since E has bottled on travelling again, I've sorta become resigned to it.
Anyway, she wanted to go to Lanzarote, a place I've been before and she's been many, many times and believe me, it gets its nickname Lanza-grotty for a good reason!
I hate it, its boring, full of nasty ex-pats determined to set up London-by-the-sea and its hot. Christ is it hot. I can't bear to be out in anything higher than 15 degrees for long and its 30+ over there.
And me and Welshy are half-heartedly looking for somewhere to live together, so its 500 quid, money I dont really have and a waste of my leave to go to somewhere I dont really like. Anyway, last Tuesday she guilted me into going.
"I'm all on my own, all my friends have their own families and I'm alone in the world! Alone, neglected, unloved, unappreciated." etc.
So I said I'd look into getting some leave which I did so on Monday.
Only problem is, I've gotten all the week off apart from the Thurs, she wanted to fly out for, there aint flights on Fridays or Weekends.
So I've asked a few people, tried to get a swap, but we're short-staffed so its no good.
So now she's running about sobbing and stropping about:
"You did this on purpose! You could have asked last week" Yeah, like i'm REALLY gonna be able to chase our leave guy to his Tent where he was camping in order to get time off.
"I've ruined her summer holidays, she's now unable to go anywhere. And its all YOUR fault. Everyone else gets to go places and she can't. She was so looking forward to it, now she has nothing to do all summer."
And shit on toast how i'm hearing about it.
Over and Over and Over
Everything she can find to shout at me she does, opening a window, not being able to eat the tea she's cooked as its far to hot for a full roast, for falling asleep.

Sometimes I really just want to scream at her and make her see all that I do for her, the years I've wasted, how I've put aside my own happiness for her, how I bend over backwards for her, how I have to put her first when both her and Welshy make claims on my time. When the Brat couldnt even be bothered to drive down to sainsburys to get shopping, when she was ill in hospital, how I worked, spent all my free time visiting her, or looking after the house and him, struggling down to the shops on the bus with bags and bags of shopping while he stormed about moodily, and she lay sick in bed.

But there's no point in that. And now i've 5 wasted leave days, unless she gets outta her strop and decides to drag me off to some other shithole.

To Stop this being a completly self-pitying post.
Hurrah for Welshy who despite his own obvious boredom took me to see a Horseball tournament on Saturday and then let me watch Hickstead all afternoon!

Horseball - Rugby on Horseback (I SO wanna go!)

Honestly it seems like its just a never ending list here of drama and things never going right.
We'll start with what seems like the littlest of the two.
Meant to be a delivery today of worktops for mothers kitchen extension, now two years into the project and going strong.
Anyway, was told on the phone that the delivery would be by half 9, which would leave me late for work, but I could still do my relief shift as that starts at 10.30. Anyway 10am, still not arrived so I'm panicking trying to get hold of work, ringing constantly and not getting anywere.
Finally get hold of someone at 10.25 which is the EXACT time the lorry pulls up. Turns out that the worktops weigh about 100kgs and the chances of me and the driver unloading them alone are Zero.
So its a wasted journey for him, I get to work at 11 after racing for a bus and I come home to find Mother sobbing cos "everyone she asks for help with the house lets her down and how can she get the builder round when the worktops aint here"
Anyway when I calm her down we move onto Drama 2.

Drama 2 consists of someone who has posed as Mother (Mother has put all of My nan's accounts into a joint account to prevent her taking it out and losing it)
And this pretend Mother Person has taken TWENTY THOUSAND POUNDS out of my Nan's account and into an internet account. My Nan is so addled she cant even remember her phone number and they don't own a computer.
So who's done it? And how can the bank let them do it with out any authorisation from Mother?
Anyway Mother only found out about this by Nan waving a statement at her and demanding to know where her money was.
I dont know how we're going to get the money back, or even how its got there, although we have our suspicions. Other money (smaller amounts, perhaps only 50 or a 100 quid) have gone missing previously and my Granddads Work tools.

Apparently using the words "spastic scrotumheads" to describe a moron gang of 14 year olds is frowned apon by my boss. Even if she then has to resort to calling the Park Police (who helpfully failed to arrive) in order to deal with the little shits.
Well I guess you learn new things every day.

E and I have been thinking since April about travelling, either to Peru or Botswana for at least three weeks, we both agreed to save all our leave and try and book something for their winter (our summer - less heat!)
She's proved very evasive ever since at pinning down a date, and now has hit me with the news that she's booked other leave and only wants to go away for a week or two at the most. Its really annoyed me, as I've been putting off going away with Mum and Welshy so I can have all my leave for this and she told me to save my leave up and now its probably too late to book for this summer as we'd need 6 weeks of injections and shit like that.
Grrr. I'm especially annoyed as the company we were going to go away with, have a 25% sale on at the moment. Sigh.
She also told me about how we should go away to The Lake District to this place where we can ride proper Shire Heavy Horse types, and now she's buggered off with another friend without me.
I dunno maybe I've upset her in some unknown way and thats why she's messing me about a bit and not wanting to hang out.

today it was so hot i fried a piece of bacon on one of the metal structures at work.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thats one of the few good things about my job. I have time to sit and think. And I've come to a conclusion.
One way or another the majority of my 20's have been a bit of a disaster, from one thing or another. When I was 10 I remember making a list of things that would have happened to me by the time I'm 25 (as I considered that grown up and old)

1 - I would have my own place.
2 - I would have lots of animals. At least one pony
3 - My house would have a swimming pool.
4 - And a Helicopter.
5 - I would either be a top class showjumper/vet/author.

Well here I am rapidly approaching 26 and its very much time I dug myself out of the rut I'm in at the museum and did something with my life.
So. Before I'm 30 I plan to have achieved the following.

1 - I will either own my own place or be living away from home.
2 - I will have that maths GCSE.
3 - And a horse.
4 - I'll have a good job to pay for said horse.
5 - I'm gonna go back to the old driving and very determinedly pass the damn test.

So. I plan to enrol back in college in September and do that GCSE, as an evening class. I may fail it completely again. In face its very likely that I will fail it. But I think just attempting it again will be an accomplishment, due to my fear and sheer panic when faced with any number higher that 20.
After I have completed the course, I am considering doing teacher training. Despite loathing children. I want a job with weekends off again. I want to do something where I can go home and think I've done something worthwhile with my day. And of course the decent pay and all the holidays encourages me more. I may change my mind. I'm certainly not giving up on the dream of working with animals. I figure that the 6 months of GCSE may give me time to get that job, but its time to be realistic. I'm 4 years since graduating and nothing has worked out. Maybe I'll go into vet nurse training. I can if I have that GCSE. I will have more options, even if I have to deny the degree.
Welshy's flat contract runs out in September. We may, no will look for a place together. I dont know how we'll afford it on my pittance and his casual work, and the fact that we cant agree where to live. But they're irrelevant. I want to live with him. I want to be independent again.
So we'll aim for those targets by September and maybe from there I can reach those goals I've set myself before I hit 30. Which most definitely has to be grown up.