We're chatting but definitely cool compared to how it was before. Looking forward to him going away, although i'm insanely jealous. Still think the distance will do us world of good as I did get a bit eaten up on Thursday knowing he was with this girl.

I think my days at this job are numbered. I've given myself the goal of getting out by end of the month. It's good that I've never really been given much to do as that means I can spend a lot of time job hunting!

Applied for a few bits and pieces, we'll see.

I got a puncture Friday night leaving the yard. I was really scared, never had one before and never had someone show me what to do. Brat was his usual helpful self. Ended up getting a friend from flyballs husband to come out for the rescue. I hate asking people for help! But I think I have a rough idea now how to do it myself, gonna ask him to show me again at a show in the summer so I can do it myself.

I went out Saturday night with a friend from flyball, we had a trip to the Shard (amazing view) and a really nice meal. I was supposed to be going out after with the girls from where I used to work but they ended up bailing really late on!
Rubbish and I have blisters from walking around Borough market in heels.

I bought some proper nice flavoured wine though, me and FWB have confirmed the camper again (wise? who knows?) and book marked the wine merchants website so I can buy some more and put it away for the champs.

Whoops
Bad habits.
Anyway. Last Monday I slept with FWB. It's the last time. I had a bit of a blind date on Saturday and I spent more time wondering how he would take it, than actually interacting with this guy.
Yesterday we were talking and he mentioned that he had told a friend about our arrangement. Didnt like that. Felt that he was boasting and laughing about me.
About 30 seconds later he told me he was going on a date Thursday (tomorrow).
Definitely didnt like that. Battled with it all today and finally sent him an email explaining how I felt, that I'm worried I'm starting to catch feelings.
I dont know what I expected. Yes it would have been nice if he said he felt the same.
I knew deep down he didnt. I wasnt surprised. I need to give myself some time now and get over it. Tha fully he is going to Vietnam to work for a few weeks so with the time difference, and today we probably wont talk much if at all.
I'm pleased with myself for doing this. Its helped me move on massively from Welshy and now I get to say i have two ex's! (Even if it's not really true!).
He's an arrogant, immature prat and I knew we'd make better mates than fuck buddies.
And I still get to count that very first night as a one night stand!!!
Yeah! Go me!

Turns out I did have a flu type bug. Tired, a achey, hot and cold. Yuck. Took couple of days off work and now left with bruised ribs and cough.

Hardly rode cos of it. Went to FWB on Tuesday
 Supposedly for sex, but we ended up watching spurs game. He also told me Wednesday I was welcome over any time for football if it was BT sport as I don't have that.
Planned a dog walk, and alright he was pissed Friday night but he invited me over then as it was easier to go from his. Turned out it wasn't as I went and collected another friend but nice anyway. And yes we did have sex this time, I also fancied it again when I woke and he was asleep and he didn't take kindly to how I woke him up for it! Ooops! Haha!

I won tickets in the ballot for the euro semi nations thing so me and J are off to Porto in June!! Be a laugh, although acutely aware last time we were out, he was a bit too touchly feely for someone supposedly just a mate!!!

I know, I know. So easy to let this slip.

I actively dislike my job I hate doing nothing. It's living the dream but I need to be doing more.
Started applying for some other things. I need to get out before I start settling and letting my standards slip.

Horse has been going really well, dog has been going well. Adventures with FWB have ground to a halt really, only slept together twice this month. Not seen him much more than that. His dogs have had kennel cough and I can't risk going there in case it spreads to mine. He is off to work in Vietnam for a couple of weeks soon. Let's see what happens there.

Started new fitness regime for dog. I want to get her running at 4.7 speeds, we did it once before and can get 4.9's out of her. Today we moved to a faster team and our times were between 5.3 and 5.5 but that's me and my changes and I can work on this, hopefully with aid of fitness regime and the days getting longer.

Mother and TMWMITW flew ba k from the states today. They had done a 5 week road trip. I drove to Gatwick to meet them for dinner, full of their adventures. It was alright.

My chicken has started laying eggs! Very excited although 4 eggs a week is slightly more than I wish to eat! Dog has been getting one a week and I took a couple over to an old lady the other day as well. Be alright when it comes to baking days, will just save them up!

I had a massive clear out of my room yesterday, although it's still a shit heap and I was so tired, I ended up asleep by 9.30. It's nearly 9 now and I'm already in bed!!!
Feel quite drained, hope I'm not coming down with a bug.
Promise to do better with this next week!

Last week was dog comp on Sunday. Got in late and didn't feel like doing this.

Work remains boring but bearable. I have an interview on Thursday for a part time role in a charity in Greenwich. It's 3 days a week that I can't live on, but I'm going in case there a hope it can become 4 days. If it does the money would be the same as what I get for doing 5 days now so who would be the winner?!

FWB situation remains the same. He made a comment about us travelling together, as well as us making plans for dog show this summer and camping again in the van together.
Tonight made comment about needing a fulltime gf. Made me a bit sad if I get benched, i do like our arrangement.
Went there Thursday and then we took our dogs for a walk Saturday.

And in two paragraphs that has summed up the last two weeks!!!

This week at work has been a bit more bearable, or maybe I've just come to terms with the crappiness of it all.
Decided if I'm going to be there past the probation I will ask to finish at 4.30 but get feet under table first.
Had two really nice rides on V this week and dog ran well at agility and also scored more 4.9's today.
Had a quickie with FWB - first in a month! On Thursday.
Tuesday would have been Dad's 60th and yesterday was 5 years since Granddad died and would have been 13 years with Welshy. All the shit always happens in Jan! Next terrible marker is sacking day!

Moving on and let's see what the next week brings. Have dog show next Sunday *touch wood* she continues to do really well.

So first blog of 2019.

I dislike my new job. It's boring. I'm making health and safety documents. I counted one for shits and giggles. It's 236 pages. It takes 5 hours of copying and pasting for this to be done. It's an office where we work and not talk.
I want to escape. If only I had savings I would do and stay at home and keep on looking.
As it is, I'm just pinning my hopes on what I've already applied for and others that I did yesterday. Resigned to bring here for January at least.

Think positive. Good things.
Dog ran well in training. Consistent 4.9 times, I ran FWB's dog to get my eye in and she ran well. We've agreed to get a van together again should we qualify for the champs this year and agility starts again Thursday.
Only managed to ride Friday this week but it was a really good session.
My headspace is good about FWB, I've had some distance from the people who put the other thoughts into my head and I'm no longer curious about the is it more thoughts. It's not.

Hmm. I enjoyed Newport beating Leicester in the FA cup today. That made me happy.

One more thing it is somehow 13 years today since we got thst call to to go to the hospice and prepare for the inevitable. Crazy.

So 2018. What a year.
I started last Christmas absolutely heartbroken at being made to say goodbye to Welshy and part of me is still overawed that someone I spoke to every day for nearly 13 years is now a stranger and it's been a whole year since we spoke.
I miss him, I miss the friendship but the more time passes I wonder why I put up with him for so long, but he had his faults as we all do and I'll never forget him being there all those times I felt completely alone in the world.
I lost my Lolly too. I miss him a hell of a lot, it knocked me for 6 a little. There have been so many deaths in the history of this blog but I guess him being so close in age makes it worse.

I got made redundant, I wouldn't have minded rotting at the community centre although some of the staff were cunts. I made good friends and I hope we stay in touch.

I started a new job. It could have been everything I wanted but it was mis sold to me. I start another new job on the 2nd but not looking forward to it. I want to go back into charity work and that will be a goal for next year.

The horse has been amazing, the fun ride I did in May gave me so much more confidence to go out and pull up my brave pants with her.

The dog has had her moments this year. What with three vet bills and nearly dying. But she ran like a trooper at the flyball finals and has been my best mate and shoulder to cry on.

FWB - wow! Who'd have thought I'd be in that situation? Whatever it is, it's been fun.

So goals for 2019?

1. Get a job back in charity sector, ideally doing more suitable hours.
2. I want to travel more. I have plans for at least two other countries this year.
3. Carry in sorting my shit out money wise. This month of no money is not brilliant, but at least I know I have income coming in again soon.
4. Ideally resolve this situation with FWB, last year My goal was to not end 2018 single. Well I'm still single, but at least I'm getting regular sex and the attention I'm getting from the dating apps gives me a little confidence and self esteem.

And now it's time to tell 2018 to fuck off and hope 2019 is going to be fucking awesome!!

It's been a good week. Christmas passed reasonably well. I caught up with FWB day after Boxing Day and we took our dogs to Lullingstone.
I decided to give that online dating shit a go and joined up and have been messaging a few people. Hearts not really in it though.
I met up L and that was nice and then the day after I met up with a couple of the girls from Flyball. I told one of them about FWB. She warned me of all the things I know, he will bench me, don't get hurt etc. It was good hear what I know in my head rather than the dramatic "but he spent Xmas eve with you!!! It must mean something!!!" I got from one of my other friends.
Anyway. Yesterday I took one of his dogs out on a fucking long 13.6 mile walk and both my dog and I have had a duvet day today recovering! He has had quite a bad bout of flu. Burnt out I guess as he chases the money too much, so asked me to take his one as well so she could get out. I came back and he made me dinner and we watched the Man U game together which was nice and then I came home.
Spending tonight alone as always and riding tomorrow. Feel like taking dog on a long walk as I'm back to work on the second.
Will do another post summing up 2018 now

Ha! The Brat asked me last night when I was going out, as he's obviously more observant than I thought.
I didn't go out, wasn't invited. No probs, happy watching Olympia on the telly!
We met up today and did some agility and flyball practice with our dogs and he paid for my meal, all lovely you'd think until he confessed that he was kinda hoping I'd have forgotten our plan to meet! Offended!

Came home, a lovely couple of ladies I know from dog walking have clubbed together to get me a present. I'm not opening it! Not till tomorrow, just so I can have something to open!
Plan as always is that I will be alone, as always finding this time of year tough. Will go ride though, so that's something.
And meeting Lovely L later this week as he is down from Hull and out with some of the girls from flyball Friday night so very much looking forward to those nights.

Thank God. Sometimes you need to ignore female advice and go straight to the horses mouth and ask the boys.
So MV has also a fuck buddy, he treats her exactly the same, maybe not talking every day, but regularly and she stays over on occasion.
Well now I'm relieved that I can keep feelings under check and I know this is normal so I can stop wondering!

Went to a part time interview today, job I really wanted despite shit money. Thought it going well until I realised that they were working from an old cv that I'd uploaded several years previous! I went home and checked and I had uploaded the right one. Of course I didn't get the job because of this but at least it stops another internal dilemma!!

Dear God what is wrong with me?? I need to get my head in the game. Today FWB said that an ex had been messaging him. She's blonde, slim, far too into tanning.
He thinks she's hot. Personally I think the nutter one I met at agility is better looking.
I'm not jealous. I'm constantly preparing for the day this all comes crashing down and I can stop acting like a crazed 14 year old wondering what is going on.
Remember in Jane Eyre when she scolded herself for having fallen for Mr Rochester and she forced herself to draw herself warts and all and draw Blanche Ingram as she is. Guess modern day equivalent of that is Facebook!
Urgh. I'm pathetic. Starting to get the Xmas mopes which isn't helping my head.

Accepted that job, feel sick at the thought of it but need money. Am going for interview tomorrow to do supporter care in a charity which is what I really want but it's only 15 hours a week and I can't live on that.

Told mothership I was currently inbetween roles, she only cared that I posted TMWMITW's new bank card asap tomorrow. Double urgh.

Had a busy week applying for jobs, Xmas flyball meal and then Talk about a headfuck!!
So I went to FWB last night, and a good night was had, he treated me to pizza and raspberry vodka.
We watched independence day. He said he didn't care, whether I stayed or went and that he didn't care each time I came.
What to take from that?
Anyway he fell sleep leaning on me, I wasn't drunk but well aware I was a long way over the drink drive limit so sensibly put myself away to bed.

Had an interview today, easy enough job, knew it was mine when I left and it has been offered but I didn't like it. Didn't get good vibes. What to do???
Probably best to take and keep looking??
And what to do about FWB?? I need to get really drunk, I think as that's the only way I'll get the courage, and ask him outright!
Just don't want to risk losing what is a good deal!!

Boom!! And just like that, my life gets turned upside down again.
My boss gave me my review on Monday. He realised that there's not enough work for me to do office wise every day and that I'm not enjoying the practical side of it.
So my hours are cut to one day a week, and we're financially fucked again.
Got very despondent Monday, cried a bit and wished I'd never left the museum and tried to better myself.
Pulled myself together Tuesday, rode, redid my cv and cracked in. FWB bless him has sent my cv around and offered to pay me to walk his dogs rather than a dog walker twice a week.

Gonna go see the agency I got the forum gig with on Tuesday and hopefully they will get me something.
Met FWB's ex again this week, chatted with her a bit more. He said she lied about 40% of what she told me. Also learned she's apparently partial to a bit of coke which also added to their breakup and adds more reasoning behind his behaviour. Not that I'm making excuses for that.

Went down to Winchester for a comp and came back this morning. I'd already paid for 2 nights non refundable hotel or I'd have cancelled altogether to save my petrol money and tried to get the hotel fee back.
Still - ate for free one night in the harvester and we got a 2nd place so it was ok I guess!!
Supposed to be doing an office day tomorrow so we will see!

Literally spoken every day. Went over Saturday, was invited over today but yeah I chose to nap instead!
Stayed up till 1am talking Friday and then Saturday I had a meal with some of the dog walkers.
Not sure if one of them hit on me or just a compliment when he told me, if he wasn't married he'd make a play for me out of the blue.
Anyway. Met FWB's ex at agility. She's clearly not over it, left the class early to go talk to him. He messaged me to find out why I shot off, when normally I watch him do a run or two.
Apparently he dumped her as she was a compulsive liar.
Currently I'm listening to the on her voice that tells me I mean nothing to him and that I think is the sensible one to listen too!
Was pleased with Dog at both that and flyball, we have last comp of the year next week, a stay away one in Hampshire which should be fun.
Other news, think I've done all my Xmas shopping!! Unprecedented levels of organisation!

So he told me he wanted "alone time" so that's cool. Then the next message was asking me to come over but to know it would be a flying visit. I had nothing better to do so did.
He then repented of being rude and offered me a glass of wine before I left, I refused and literally took him straight upstairs, did what was needed and went straight home again.
I resolved not to bother him, after all I wouldn't talk to my friends every day as we have done so, the last week. And technically that's what we are.
He messaged me first yesterday and carried on until he declared he needed his "alone time". I didn't bother to reply saying bye or anything. I was in the bath, trying to read, you see and messing with a beeping phone and a book was clearly only going to lead to disaster.
Barely 15 minutes passed before he sent me a smilie. I just sent one back and cracked on with my evening.
Again left him to it. He's been beeping up my phone most of the evening, telling me he was going home early. Sending me videos of his Alexia programmed magic light bulbs and other inanities.
It's amusing more than exasperating. I feel like I'm too old for this nonsense and yet I know he'd throw a hissy fit if I tried to push for answers.
Tbh I don't know what the answer is, however this Charby is not the Charby who started blogging 15 odd years ago and it is water off of a ducks back.
I don't know if he likes me, but is now pushing back a little, if I'm reading too much into the nothing situation or what.
I'm live-blogging it as it amuses me and is a good diversion from a currently mundane little existence
 when I read this back in years to come, it will be fun to read.

Not too bad a week in terms of the trees. Did climb a 25ft scaffold to help decorate a large tree and spent most of the week doing that. Not much bloody fun in the icy cold i can tell you!!

I think that's all done now, in terms of me helping with trees. I get to spend Monday working from home and I have my fingers crossed that I can do the same on Tuesday!

I love working from home! I get so much done around the house and work wise as well. And if it means I can sneak off and go ride Tuesday that's even better!!!

Away from work it's been a casual old week, spoken to FWB pretty much every day, he asked me back over Monday but I was already in bed and again yesterday morning but I was just about to take Dog to Physio. Hoping there's still time to arrange a visit tonight - and yes I'm not gonna pretend - I'd like to stop over again although realistically, I don't think so!

Saw him anyway last night when we had a flyball night out bowling which was loads of fun! 

Spent today mostly having duvet day with Dog watching the Sri Lankan cricket team collapse and the football all day. Lovely, lazy Sunday! 

Very tired. Went to watch David Attenborough at FWB. We drank a bottle of vodka and as I was obviously in no fit state to drive the 25 minutes back down the A2, I stayed over. Good night and morning lol!
God I've forgotten what it's like to be held by someone and cuddle up to them. It was nice.
He made the point of how it was all casual and we're mates and I know and yet..... I can't work out if I'm reading too much into a situation that he has honestly and frankly kept me in the loop over.
He messages me out of the blue to ask my opinion on sofas, to tell me how excited he is at new slippers, people that know us comment on when we are going to give into the tension  between us (if only they knew although they all suspect it), he tries to get my attention at dog things by putting worms on me, or insulting me in the group chat, strangers ask often if we are together and- well one story doesn't prove anything but I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else at the moment.
He's a joker and a bit immature but kind although also hard-hearted so I have no doubts that he has it in him to just use me for sex, but when he calls me endearing names and ruffles my hair or shows up to things that he knows I'm at, I can't help but wonder who is really fooling who.

Anyway. Enough of that nonsense. We are keeping ourselves grounded and reminding ourselves of the rules of the game and I WILL not allow myself to fall for him and get hurt.

Been a week of Christmas tree installations at work. At one of the hotels they were a base camp for tennis players at the ATP finals. Saw Jamie Murray, Federer and Djokovic walk past.

Dog all better now although we infected another team dog so all had to pull out of the comp yesterday - as it happened it worked out well for me because of the above and dog and I had a really nice long walk around Shorne and surrounding countryside.

Urgh. I am very tired now. I want to go to bed

Did end up going to FWB not long after doing last week's update, hung out for a couple of hours too, lot nicer than the quick dash in and out its been the last few weeks.
He was trying to make me watch something called "50 first dates" and made a joke that I needed to go on that. Annoyed me and also I don't want him thinking I only have him (although that's true!) So made up a story on the spot about actually how I'd been out the night before on a date to watch fireworks.
Ha. Take that div.
He then told me how the previous night he'd had a girl over who had been a bit casual touchy feely and he'd kicked her out. Someone definitely had been over as I had nicked their fruity cider and I know he doesn't drink that stuff.
Read into that what you like, he's always been honest about other girls he's had over or slept with etc so I see no reason for him to lie about that but does that answer one of your questions a week back H2?
Wonder if I'll get another message later, he better not want me to go out and miss the start of the newest David Attenborough.
I went out last night to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I really enjoyed it, it seemed to have his mannerisms down perfectly. Kinda regret not being able to go to a Queen concert and wondering how shit the one with Adam Lambert would be.
Haven't been able to do to much with Dog this week as she came down with kennel cough which was disgusting! Dog flem everywhere and constant coughing. She's over the worst now fortunately but I'm still wary of her around other dogs as she's still got a bit of a cough. 100 quid that cost me for medicines! Bloody animal!

Also bought a henhouse as it seems the chicken is staying perminantly now.  Getting quite fond of the silly thing, it likes sitting on My lap getting cuddled and likes to try and get in the house.
Went to Bromley yesterday as couldn't take dog out and supposedly to shop for Xmas presents. Yeah. Ended up buying myself presents! Epic fail!!

Let's see what this week brings!

No sex this week. Sad times. Hardly heard from him actually. Poor sod is mega busy with work. At least I'm sure that's all it is. Either that or my little fling is over.

Oldies still here, still annoying with heating in 24/7 And eating all my food and not replacing like for like.
Funeral is tomorrow then they go again Tuesday.
Work - had a bit of a falling out with the girl who's van I sit in most days. She randomly as she does, decided to give me a day off. I hate this. I do feel bad about it. It's not like I work for a large faceless organisation where it doesn't matter.
And he literally lives a 5 min walk from me, so I am trapped indoors trying to find something to do and when I inevitably bump into him in the evening I then find myself lying.
Why can't I just do my scheduled 8.30-4 in the office and not get up at stupid o clock to sit in a van for several hours?
She didn't get it. Thinks she's doing me a favour. We silently agreed to disagree.

Dog ran well today. I'm limited now clocks changed as to how much I can exercise her so my goal is to try and keep her fitness at a 5.2/5.1 level  in July I'd have been over the moon with those times and hopefully after clocks change it will be easier to increase her fitness and try to break that 5 second barrier again.

Did a few jumps today riding. Slowly built up a little triple, with a bounce fence and a stride then jump. Rather untidy, but more practice and hopefully I can get a grid up of 4 bounce fences!