Blogging as I need to get my thoughts down and all my friends are too involved for me to open up to them.

The whole J thing had been playing on my mind and I was so looking forward to the theatre that I worried it would be ruined by this whole pre NYE kiss thing, so I invited myself around so we could watch the Charlton/Man U game as I was able to stream the game despite it not being on UK TV. 

(The 3-0 score was NOT deserved at all!)
Anyway, the game was good so we only spoke of football and general chat and it was platonic and fine and I decided that we were both slightly regretting the moment of drunken madness and things were now back to normal and part of me was relieved about that and also, a teeny tiny part that I didn't want to admit to, was disappointed.

Anyway. I rehomed some of the books his ex had left and he insisted on carrying all three of them down to the car for me as you know, I'm a fragile little thing....

At the car he paused and said. "I don't really know how I'm supposed to say goodbye to you now." And I assumed that's cos he normally kisses me on the cheek and hugs me goodbye and he felt it inappropriate now or slightly awkward.

So I said, to do what he felt right and he asked what I meant by that and I realised that perhaps it could be taken another way and got a bit flustered and before I could explain, he's kissing me very thoroughly.

This whole thing is nuts. I feel now that perhaps, he thinks I invited myself around for the wrong reason or that I've led him on. 
Theatre next Monday, so we'll see how shit goes down then.....

 How the actual fuck has it been seventeen years since that Wednesday we sat around the hospice and watched Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and waited for that last breath.

I think of you often, its a lifetime away but yet sometimes still as vivid as if it were yesterday. 

 So I didn't blog yesterday as I and some friends did the 13 mile Bewl Water walk - in under 4 hours!!!
And naturally I was fucked.

Back to work - well WFH this week cos of train strikes, so easing myself in gently, mostly by deleting the junk emails that clog the inboxes up!

So this year? It was a good year actually, the first one in ages. It started shittily with the leg issue but I figure if it can manage that walk, its pretty good as its going to be. All my loans were paid off in May and now its the slow slog of paying back credit card debit. I had really, really hoped that I would have paid one by now but its not worked that way, I cancelled two cards completely and am on a payment plan for them, it sucks as I can only pay back the minimum payment but on the other hand, there's no interest building up. I still rely on the others more than I'm happy about but at least the other two I have no temptation or ability to spend.

Things still suck because the car needs work and its so hard to remain motivated about ridding myself of debt when I know, as soon as I have a decent amount, I'll need to use it to get rid of the car issue.

I really, really want a holiday this year. I'm 40. i've not been away since 2019, 2017 was the last new country I visited, but we've got to remain strong.

I gave up Sharemare. Part of me misses her and riding a lot. The other part of me, is glad i'm not rushing about after work in the dark and cold and wet to go up and sort her out and the money i'm saving on her and petrol helps my budget.

The dogs have been fucking awesome. Mrs Spaniel as always and Mrs Collie, God I can't even tell you about how proud I am of her and the work we have done.

I met E 2.0. I'm still slightly bewildered about it all, why he didn't have the balls to deal with it properly. But now the dust has settled, its good. The bad sex and performance issues would have started to grate long term and he was just a bit..... well.... dull. I was fooling myself by starting to fall for him when long term it would have made me bored, miserable and just chuntering alone.

There's the issue with J. I'm going to the theatre with him obviously in two weeks time and today I asked if he wanted to watch the Charlton/Man U game at his which he was up for. Am I making the same mistake about convincing myself I have feelings I don't? Is he doing the same? I really don't know. I'm hoping we can have some clear the air talks before the theatre so i'm not left wondering.

I'm really looking forward to that. It's To Kill A Mockingbird - one of my ultimate favourite books and it has Papa from Stranger Things in it as Atticus and I fell hard for Stranger Things over the summer, so hoping it'll be good, hoping it won't be awkward. We'll see. 

So belatedly. It's time to tell 2022 to fuck off and Welcome in 2023. Who knows what it has in store? After pandemics and Queens dying, its hard to make any predictions!  

 I know I need to do an end of year round up but I just want to ponder the question of - Is it wrong that I'm such a regular at my Chinese take away, that they find it acceptable to send me to the shops for them to get their lottery lucky dips?