New years eve!!

Some ways this year has flown by! Some ways it's been a hellish drag.

The old couple I mentioned in my last post? The lady died. I'm so gutted about it, they were like surrogate grandparents, exhausting but fun and very, very generous. 

My covid test came back clear only now my car is fucked. Battery/alternator. Who knows?

Cant afford to not have it. Cant afford to fix it. Nagging away is the thought of needing to fix the roof and the electrical issue as well....

My other, one surviving grandparent died. Dads mum. Haven't spoken to them since the funeral. Wish I felt bad about it, I dont. I'm sadder about my friends.

Normally I write a sum up of the past year but it's been such a nothing year! Everything on hold.

Should I write goals for next year? In all honesty I can see me being at home until next Easter at least. Cant see there being many dog comps or training sessions.

So I wont. Lets all tell 2020 to fuck off and bring on 2021 and keep fingers crossed for a better one! 

 And Boom! Just like that its Christmas. We're now in tier 4. so kinda proper lockdown. I'm self isolating, the old couple at flyball who have adopted me, invited me into their house when I went over on Tuesday to drop off xmas presents. So I figuring, afterall I'm very low risk enter the house, breaking the rules for the second time since March. Only once I got inside, she's coughing and they're telling me that their son is upstairs after having been hospitalised with the covid!

Gee thanks. My few days of freedom and chances to get out of this house and do long dog walks and rides and its stolen for me, for 4 days at least until I get a test on Tuesday.

Sigh.

So even though Christmas is shit anyway, its been even shitter as i'm stuck indoors! Last week as well, all the electrics went again. While i'm up a ladder trying to sort it I realise the kitchen roof is leaking.

I rang the Mother thinking she would have ideas but got abuse that its my fault for not looking after the house and then tears about how rubbish her life is.

Hello?! I'm stuck with the Brother who is incapable of flushing the toilet and has currently parked a pissy mattress in the hallway, making it impossible to hoover or tidy properly for the last two weeks. 

I made a brie and bacon mac and cheese but as I didnt have the right ingredients thanks to the needing to confine myself to the house, its rather dry. Edible but dry.

We had our staff virtual xmas party, which was almost fun and almost like leaving the house! Getting ready, putting some jewellery on etc! Like anyone on zoom would notice!

Anyway, here we are. I'll blog again soon, if not before my traditional end of year fuck off post. 

 Ok - let me fill you in on my weekend. As previously mentioned BB appeared mid August and we got heavily flirty, dodgy videos got sent. We made plans to meet up. Do what has been hanging over us 18 years ago. 

(18!!!! Can you believe i've been dicking about with this that long? That means possibly next year is my 20th Blog-versary? Jesus I'm getting old.....)

Lockdown happened and that did nothing to help my already fragile mental state as referred too in the other post. I had been looking forward to it very much.

Fuck it. I decided I had the day off. I'll break lockdown. Drive 143 miles one way to see him. You're allowed with the new rules to see one other person. Single people are allowed to do so... Support Bubbles and all that shit. Yes I was taking it to extreme as i'm sure they mean just visiting people down the road and you're not allowed in their houses. But I needed so, so desperately to get out of this house, to have human contact. The sex I'd been promised, that he'd built up in my head.

So I did. I went to see him. And as my life goes, it never lived up to expectations. Oh I was very careful. I don't obviously leave the house much, apart from riding and the park and I only touch my things there. I didn't go to the supermarket or shops at all in the week leading up to it. 

I had to stop at services halfway through to use the loo, I washed my hands before leaving the car, I only opened the doors using elbows etc, once through the door, I washed them again. I washed them before using the loo, after, before touching the pads when ordering a cheeky macdonalds, (my first since Feb!) once they gave me the food. before leaving services, when eating in my car. I wore my mask. I was as careful and confident as I can be that I took all precautions.

I got to his late, and we hung out in his hot tub, catching up, and yeah, things started to go the way we planned.

He remembers, bless him, how worried and naïve about it all I was, tried to reassure me, although I don't need it any more.... Things were moving on.... His cat got into a fight or something outside and he went to rescue it.... Stopped the mood a bit. Came back and I tried to instigate things again but yeah, it was dead.

We went to bed and things got moving again... but he wasn't fully ready (trying very hard not to be too crude here!!!) He told me he had too much to drink while waiting for me. We cuddled and went to sleep.

Oh God! It was so nice just to be held and kissed and to feel wanted. I didn't need to hold back, not like with FWB. Didn't need to keep my guard up, make sure that I didn't fall. We slipped back into how it was before. Even just cuddling in the morning and during the day, nothing sexual. Just felt wanted for the first time in ages, how much I missed human contact.

His cat kept getting in the way. That bloody animal knew exactly what he was doing. It was funny, and even funny in the morning when we tried again and failed.

We sat and watched TV and in the afternoon I tried to start things up again and we went back upstairs.

"I'm sorry.... I can't... I've not been able to for ages."

I was drunk. I rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up and cried. Just like being in my early 20's again and crying on his shoulder because I was so scared of the future. So sure it was my fault, that he was making excuses for me, that I was broken. That he regretted me being here. That trying to live up to an 18 year old fantasy was so bloody stupid.

He asked me if I was allergic to the cat.

Sunday morning and I didn't have the heart to try again. I just got up, counted down the minutes until I could bolt for freedom, having made plans to go see H2 before driving home.

 I apologised when I got home. He tells me its not my fault. That I did nothing wrong, but I find it so hard to believe. I know its a man thing and pride when it doesn't work but I thought he knew me better than that. That he must have slept with other girls, he hasn't been in a long term relationship for 8 years but he'd had other girls. He must have. 

And I'm so goddamn frustrated that I broke all the rules, went under false pretences and here I am again.

It was a one off. He is too far for it to be a regular thing and to try again, even if I was ready to be humiliated again. I was struggling to get away even before, too many commitments. He's sweet and kind but ever so slightly racist and transphobic and I can't be doing with that shit. 

It was nice to get away, to kinda feel wanted, to spend 24 hours staring at a screen in a completely different environment. To catch up with an old friend, to see H2, even if only briefly as I had to get back to the yard for the horse by 3. 

So here we are again. Slightly refreshed by my weekend away, slightly still mentally broken and adding this trauma onto my list of mental woes. And I've been writing this since 9. Its time I started work.....

 I've struggled. Really struggled mentally with this whole thing. It was ok in the Summer as I could take dogs for long walks after work and ride.

I still work from home, which is brilliant for the dogs, for my being able to save some money, less stress but its hard. God its hard being in this house all day. 

They let us have "bubbles" and I struggled with that. No one would want to be in my bubble, no point asking. I asked people if they wanted to meet up, go for walks, go for a drink. People wanted to be with other friends, see family, I am low on their list. It's fine, I accept that.

Things loosened up a bit, we could start flyball, agility, obedience training. It was the only time I spoke face to face with people. 

Then it got taken away again, the nights are dark when I finish work. I take them out at lunch as well as the morning to get some sunshine.

My work began to suffer, I had an amazingly humiliating meeting about it. I hit rock bottom financially and have cut down my riding days which also lost me some of my routine and safety net. 

People talk about how lonely they are and I think, well this is nothing unusual for me. I can't be bothered to go drag the entry up but two years ago I made a post about walking around Asda just to be around people and repeating to myself that I was not lonely, I was not lonely.

I'd be ok with being on my own if I could just carry on with my activities and I realise just how much my life revolves around the animals, how much I rely on them for my sanity and how much worse I'd be if I didn't have them.

They talk about how they hope for a normal Christmas and I think, well my Christmases are on my own anyway, so that's normal and anyway now I know for definite people only invite me out of pity.

Mum only gets in touch when she needs something from me. One of my boys that I go to football with, hit rock bottom. I was scared he was going to do something silly. I reached out to him. Told him of my own struggles, tried to make him realise he's not on his own. Nothing. 

People only seem to reach out to me when they need something from me and because i'm so desperately lonely I run to help them, to give me meaning in my own life.

E & P's Dad died - not of the Covid, the funeral is next week. i'm going to be off  for it. I suppose I should be glad I'm invited as they're limited to 30 people? 

 See! I havent blogged in so long that it's all changed when I go to log in!

I'm back working. From home for now. I have been home for nearly 6 months, over 146 days. 

Originally it was going to be 4 weeks! OK, hard to stay motivated and everything takes a hell of a lot longer. But so, so many positives.

No 2 hour commute. No spending 160+ a month on said commute. So much better for quality of life for me and the pups as they can have lunch time walks/training.

No news on when we go back to the office. Start of each month I pray for one more month.

But life is slowly returning to the before times. I'm back at dog school. I'm doing 1-2-1 agility and flyball classes. I have two agility comps coming up. No flyball till November at earliest but I can see it not happening until perhaps next Easter when we can venture outside. I'd rather do the training. Its better for Miss Collie, who has now been with me a whole year!

Some days I think she's improving. Some days I still despair of her. I spend a long time training her each day - I have the time now!

We move Share Mare to a new yard and have spent time hacking and exploring. We did two in yard clear round jumping rounds in July and today. We did well and today I remembered to breathe and enjoy myself.

I met up with my work colleagues and CEO for a casual dinner on Friday, first time I've been out, out since- well March - if not longer. 

Again my life hasn't really changed, still busy with the animals, just no competitions. 

BB has suddenly reappeared in my facebook. Looking back now, I am grateful to him. He taught me a lot, was very patient and in these "MeToo" days I realise how easy it would have been for him to put the pressure on me and I would have caved to something I wasn't ready for. But yet each time when he begged me to let him put a condom on, and I froze. He accepted it. Dealt with it and we moved on.

I am grateful too for when all that ended and I would just go to his place drunk and upset and needing comfort and him holding me while we slept.

We have been heavily flirty via fb messenger. If I didnt have the animals, perhaps I would go there and we'd get stuff out our systems. But I do and he couldn't stay here and I couldn't disappear every so often to walk and feed them.

I love them but they are a bind!

Mother came back for a visit on my birthday and exhausted me. It was a stupidly hot week which makes me ratty anyway. She didn't wear a mask while flying or travelling the two hours and two different trains till I got her. She refused to self isolate. We argued. Her friends called me The Gestapo.

I was glad she went and yet feel guilty that I'm not nicer to her. I dont see her often and I should be more patient but every time it just drags up the resentment I have. 

She spent the inheritance that was given to her. 100k within 4 years. She lent me money which I'm paying back. I got a new laptop from it. A not very good one in all honesty.

I have been home for over 146 days. Nearly 6 months. I wonder when it will end and cross my fingers that I can somehow stay at home even if its just one or two days a week.

So the world is still a bit insane. Lockdown got extended but people were ignoring it near me. Groups of 10/20 people I'd see meeting up. Then hugging and kissing each other goodbye.
I've been taken back off furlough and am now working from home. Possibly until "September'-ish". Tbh I think I'm off furlough a bit soon. No one has money for training and waiting to see.
I feel like the Government are trying Herd Immunity though the backdoor. Apart from occasional bumping into people at the yard, I've met one friend since March. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. On one hand apart from my afterwork activities nothing in my life changed during real lockdown and this half hearted attempt we have now so you cant miss what you dont have. On the other hand it reminds me that I am actually quite lonely and miss having a partner.
FWB has popped up. Split with his gf due to the virus. We had a clear the air talk about how unhappy I was with his actions. He doesn't think there was anything wrong in what he did. I'll wait and see if he makes any more move apart from that although I think for him that ship has sailed. I'd like to think the same but if he messaged I dont know what I'd do tbh. It's nice to feel wanted even if you know deep down you're not wanted and nice to have a real face to talk to rather than a screen.
The collie has been a real bit of work during this and I'm starting to see light at end of tunnel although it might all go backwards and depress me should flyball/obedience start again.
We're moving the horse. Further out but hopefully a nicer place. I have a friend possibly coming around next weekend for a socially distanced catch up in the garden although I'm trying not to get excited about it as she is a bit flaky.
The only good thing I can truly report on is that at least my funds last the whole month on furlough wages and I'm hoping this month's full wage means I may not need to use the money that I use to pay off my credit cards this month and actually be able to reduce some of the debt. Signed a petition for basic universal income while this is going on. Again I have no faith in it but it would make a difference should it did happen.
Life goes on pretty much as normal for me despite a pandemic......

When I was young and naive about the world and new to blogging, I fantasised about this being a record that would be used in history books in the future. A kinda electronic version of Pepys diaries.
Here we are in the middle of Crazy and I've not mentioned anything. We got sent home the day after my last blog.
I work in the training department and of course there is no training. I worked sluggishly from home for a week, helping other departments and then lockdown came and I was furloughed. We are now awaiting news of how long it will be extended for. At least another three weeks, I think. This'll be announced later this week.
I have been furloughed for three weeks, and it'll be a full 2 weeks tomorrow. So a month at home.
I'm coping quite well I think. I've set lots of weekly tasks, Monday is baking day. Tuesday cleaning bathroom day etc. I have also made a flyball lane, spend an hour each day doing that with the dogs, plus some trick training. I signed them up to do sniffer dog training online. The collie clicked it, poor old Hero has not. She had her 6th birthday! I am naughty and walk them twice. My argument is that I dont see anyone in the mornings, most people seem to be keeping their curtains closed until 9 or 10 and we are home by then. I walk them in the woods in the afternoon, or some mornings we go to the yard to do the horse. I'm working on trying to desensitise the collie to chasing things - mostly the horse and hero flyball training to little success.
I practice my Spanish daily on duolingo and I've tried to watch TV, stranger things, parks and recreation, Brooklyn nine nine. But they're all a bit meh. Normally I dont watch TV during the week. Now I just have sky sports news on, on its constant loop reporting on how various leagues plan on finishing. How sporting celebrities are dealing with this.
I did some volunteering for people I know and people I dont.
I'm not bored although I'm frustrated at not being able to get out and about as normal and the queues in supermarkets fill me with irrational rage with the idiots and their pointless face masks that they're not even wearing properly, the panic buying seems to have calmed now they are restricting people's purchases.
I dont believe Boris is doing a fab job despite the way people suck up to him and Trump baffles me daily and I'm very glad I'm not American. I have a daily nap and I'm not spending as much due to staying at home, although still more than I'd like as the Mothership has upped the rent temporarily.
They are completely locked down, worse than here and as their incomes depend on tourists, they are struggling.

Do any of my old blog crowd still see this? Many are on Facebook now. Sometimes I think of Welshy and his family and I hope they are well. I wonder if I should reach out in concern and then stop myself. I dont want it to be taken the wrong way. If he cared or worried, then he would be in touch. Even FWB has messaged to check I'm ok and we've hardly spoken since Feb.

Again a massive big break in this and it seems the world has gone crazy in the meantime.

Coronavirus. In a way I'm lucky in that the people I care about have already died so I have no need to worry about passing it on to close family members.
Have I changed my habits? Not really, I'm washing my hands as normal. I went to an agility show on Saturday with Dog 1.
The panic buying is shocking me really and it kinda makes you want to go along with the lemmings. I need anti bact handwash because of the animals, but its running low and i've not seen any for two weeks. Loo roll we're doing ok as I have 6 rolls and with just me and my brother we don't use too much but I still feel a bit antsy that I should have more just in case! That probably makes the panic buying worse. I can't get any even if I wanted it but what if I suddenly need more!?

Doesn't make any logical sense and if people just stopped being ridiculous there would be enough to go around anyway!!!

Hoping for working from home to kick in. Talk that it may happen next week depending on the COBRA meeting next week, even if its half of us at home, half in the office and then swapping so there is a presence.

Wait and see. That's all we can do really and in the words of Dad's Army's Corperal Jones

"DON'T PANIC!"

Why am I feeling guilty that i haven't blogged? I mean I only do this for my benefit?

I'm at work currently so I'll be brief. Life carries on as normal. We obviously had Dad's anniversary and birthdays. The dogs are doing ok, the collie continues to frustrate, but is going to a workshop this Wednesday and I have a behaviourist coming for her end of March.

I've lost all motivation about riding as the weather has just been so wet and crap! Hoping now that the days are slowly getting longer, some will come back.

I'll try and be better at this starting from now on.