So 2018. What a year.
I started last Christmas absolutely heartbroken at being made to say goodbye to Welshy and part of me is still overawed that someone I spoke to every day for nearly 13 years is now a stranger and it's been a whole year since we spoke.
I miss him, I miss the friendship but the more time passes I wonder why I put up with him for so long, but he had his faults as we all do and I'll never forget him being there all those times I felt completely alone in the world.
I lost my Lolly too. I miss him a hell of a lot, it knocked me for 6 a little. There have been so many deaths in the history of this blog but I guess him being so close in age makes it worse.

I got made redundant, I wouldn't have minded rotting at the community centre although some of the staff were cunts. I made good friends and I hope we stay in touch.

I started a new job. It could have been everything I wanted but it was mis sold to me. I start another new job on the 2nd but not looking forward to it. I want to go back into charity work and that will be a goal for next year.

The horse has been amazing, the fun ride I did in May gave me so much more confidence to go out and pull up my brave pants with her.

The dog has had her moments this year. What with three vet bills and nearly dying. But she ran like a trooper at the flyball finals and has been my best mate and shoulder to cry on.

FWB - wow! Who'd have thought I'd be in that situation? Whatever it is, it's been fun.

So goals for 2019?

1. Get a job back in charity sector, ideally doing more suitable hours.
2. I want to travel more. I have plans for at least two other countries this year.
3. Carry in sorting my shit out money wise. This month of no money is not brilliant, but at least I know I have income coming in again soon.
4. Ideally resolve this situation with FWB, last year My goal was to not end 2018 single. Well I'm still single, but at least I'm getting regular sex and the attention I'm getting from the dating apps gives me a little confidence and self esteem.

And now it's time to tell 2018 to fuck off and hope 2019 is going to be fucking awesome!!

It's been a good week. Christmas passed reasonably well. I caught up with FWB day after Boxing Day and we took our dogs to Lullingstone.
I decided to give that online dating shit a go and joined up and have been messaging a few people. Hearts not really in it though.
I met up L and that was nice and then the day after I met up with a couple of the girls from Flyball. I told one of them about FWB. She warned me of all the things I know, he will bench me, don't get hurt etc. It was good hear what I know in my head rather than the dramatic "but he spent Xmas eve with you!!! It must mean something!!!" I got from one of my other friends.
Anyway. Yesterday I took one of his dogs out on a fucking long 13.6 mile walk and both my dog and I have had a duvet day today recovering! He has had quite a bad bout of flu. Burnt out I guess as he chases the money too much, so asked me to take his one as well so she could get out. I came back and he made me dinner and we watched the Man U game together which was nice and then I came home.
Spending tonight alone as always and riding tomorrow. Feel like taking dog on a long walk as I'm back to work on the second.
Will do another post summing up 2018 now

Ha! The Brat asked me last night when I was going out, as he's obviously more observant than I thought.
I didn't go out, wasn't invited. No probs, happy watching Olympia on the telly!
We met up today and did some agility and flyball practice with our dogs and he paid for my meal, all lovely you'd think until he confessed that he was kinda hoping I'd have forgotten our plan to meet! Offended!

Came home, a lovely couple of ladies I know from dog walking have clubbed together to get me a present. I'm not opening it! Not till tomorrow, just so I can have something to open!
Plan as always is that I will be alone, as always finding this time of year tough. Will go ride though, so that's something.
And meeting Lovely L later this week as he is down from Hull and out with some of the girls from flyball Friday night so very much looking forward to those nights.

Thank God. Sometimes you need to ignore female advice and go straight to the horses mouth and ask the boys.
So MV has also a fuck buddy, he treats her exactly the same, maybe not talking every day, but regularly and she stays over on occasion.
Well now I'm relieved that I can keep feelings under check and I know this is normal so I can stop wondering!

Went to a part time interview today, job I really wanted despite shit money. Thought it going well until I realised that they were working from an old cv that I'd uploaded several years previous! I went home and checked and I had uploaded the right one. Of course I didn't get the job because of this but at least it stops another internal dilemma!!

Dear God what is wrong with me?? I need to get my head in the game. Today FWB said that an ex had been messaging him. She's blonde, slim, far too into tanning.
He thinks she's hot. Personally I think the nutter one I met at agility is better looking.
I'm not jealous. I'm constantly preparing for the day this all comes crashing down and I can stop acting like a crazed 14 year old wondering what is going on.
Remember in Jane Eyre when she scolded herself for having fallen for Mr Rochester and she forced herself to draw herself warts and all and draw Blanche Ingram as she is. Guess modern day equivalent of that is Facebook!
Urgh. I'm pathetic. Starting to get the Xmas mopes which isn't helping my head.

Accepted that job, feel sick at the thought of it but need money. Am going for interview tomorrow to do supporter care in a charity which is what I really want but it's only 15 hours a week and I can't live on that.

Told mothership I was currently inbetween roles, she only cared that I posted TMWMITW's new bank card asap tomorrow. Double urgh.

Had a busy week applying for jobs, Xmas flyball meal and then Talk about a headfuck!!
So I went to FWB last night, and a good night was had, he treated me to pizza and raspberry vodka.
We watched independence day. He said he didn't care, whether I stayed or went and that he didn't care each time I came.
What to take from that?
Anyway he fell sleep leaning on me, I wasn't drunk but well aware I was a long way over the drink drive limit so sensibly put myself away to bed.

Had an interview today, easy enough job, knew it was mine when I left and it has been offered but I didn't like it. Didn't get good vibes. What to do???
Probably best to take and keep looking??
And what to do about FWB?? I need to get really drunk, I think as that's the only way I'll get the courage, and ask him outright!
Just don't want to risk losing what is a good deal!!

Boom!! And just like that, my life gets turned upside down again.
My boss gave me my review on Monday. He realised that there's not enough work for me to do office wise every day and that I'm not enjoying the practical side of it.
So my hours are cut to one day a week, and we're financially fucked again.
Got very despondent Monday, cried a bit and wished I'd never left the museum and tried to better myself.
Pulled myself together Tuesday, rode, redid my cv and cracked in. FWB bless him has sent my cv around and offered to pay me to walk his dogs rather than a dog walker twice a week.

Gonna go see the agency I got the forum gig with on Tuesday and hopefully they will get me something.
Met FWB's ex again this week, chatted with her a bit more. He said she lied about 40% of what she told me. Also learned she's apparently partial to a bit of coke which also added to their breakup and adds more reasoning behind his behaviour. Not that I'm making excuses for that.

Went down to Winchester for a comp and came back this morning. I'd already paid for 2 nights non refundable hotel or I'd have cancelled altogether to save my petrol money and tried to get the hotel fee back.
Still - ate for free one night in the harvester and we got a 2nd place so it was ok I guess!!
Supposed to be doing an office day tomorrow so we will see!

Literally spoken every day. Went over Saturday, was invited over today but yeah I chose to nap instead!
Stayed up till 1am talking Friday and then Saturday I had a meal with some of the dog walkers.
Not sure if one of them hit on me or just a compliment when he told me, if he wasn't married he'd make a play for me out of the blue.
Anyway. Met FWB's ex at agility. She's clearly not over it, left the class early to go talk to him. He messaged me to find out why I shot off, when normally I watch him do a run or two.
Apparently he dumped her as she was a compulsive liar.
Currently I'm listening to the on her voice that tells me I mean nothing to him and that I think is the sensible one to listen too!
Was pleased with Dog at both that and flyball, we have last comp of the year next week, a stay away one in Hampshire which should be fun.
Other news, think I've done all my Xmas shopping!! Unprecedented levels of organisation!

So he told me he wanted "alone time" so that's cool. Then the next message was asking me to come over but to know it would be a flying visit. I had nothing better to do so did.
He then repented of being rude and offered me a glass of wine before I left, I refused and literally took him straight upstairs, did what was needed and went straight home again.
I resolved not to bother him, after all I wouldn't talk to my friends every day as we have done so, the last week. And technically that's what we are.
He messaged me first yesterday and carried on until he declared he needed his "alone time". I didn't bother to reply saying bye or anything. I was in the bath, trying to read, you see and messing with a beeping phone and a book was clearly only going to lead to disaster.
Barely 15 minutes passed before he sent me a smilie. I just sent one back and cracked on with my evening.
Again left him to it. He's been beeping up my phone most of the evening, telling me he was going home early. Sending me videos of his Alexia programmed magic light bulbs and other inanities.
It's amusing more than exasperating. I feel like I'm too old for this nonsense and yet I know he'd throw a hissy fit if I tried to push for answers.
Tbh I don't know what the answer is, however this Charby is not the Charby who started blogging 15 odd years ago and it is water off of a ducks back.
I don't know if he likes me, but is now pushing back a little, if I'm reading too much into the nothing situation or what.
I'm live-blogging it as it amuses me and is a good diversion from a currently mundane little existence
 when I read this back in years to come, it will be fun to read.

Not too bad a week in terms of the trees. Did climb a 25ft scaffold to help decorate a large tree and spent most of the week doing that. Not much bloody fun in the icy cold i can tell you!!

I think that's all done now, in terms of me helping with trees. I get to spend Monday working from home and I have my fingers crossed that I can do the same on Tuesday!

I love working from home! I get so much done around the house and work wise as well. And if it means I can sneak off and go ride Tuesday that's even better!!!

Away from work it's been a casual old week, spoken to FWB pretty much every day, he asked me back over Monday but I was already in bed and again yesterday morning but I was just about to take Dog to Physio. Hoping there's still time to arrange a visit tonight - and yes I'm not gonna pretend - I'd like to stop over again although realistically, I don't think so!

Saw him anyway last night when we had a flyball night out bowling which was loads of fun! 

Spent today mostly having duvet day with Dog watching the Sri Lankan cricket team collapse and the football all day. Lovely, lazy Sunday! 

Very tired. Went to watch David Attenborough at FWB. We drank a bottle of vodka and as I was obviously in no fit state to drive the 25 minutes back down the A2, I stayed over. Good night and morning lol!
God I've forgotten what it's like to be held by someone and cuddle up to them. It was nice.
He made the point of how it was all casual and we're mates and I know and yet..... I can't work out if I'm reading too much into a situation that he has honestly and frankly kept me in the loop over.
He messages me out of the blue to ask my opinion on sofas, to tell me how excited he is at new slippers, people that know us comment on when we are going to give into the tension  between us (if only they knew although they all suspect it), he tries to get my attention at dog things by putting worms on me, or insulting me in the group chat, strangers ask often if we are together and- well one story doesn't prove anything but I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else at the moment.
He's a joker and a bit immature but kind although also hard-hearted so I have no doubts that he has it in him to just use me for sex, but when he calls me endearing names and ruffles my hair or shows up to things that he knows I'm at, I can't help but wonder who is really fooling who.

Anyway. Enough of that nonsense. We are keeping ourselves grounded and reminding ourselves of the rules of the game and I WILL not allow myself to fall for him and get hurt.

Been a week of Christmas tree installations at work. At one of the hotels they were a base camp for tennis players at the ATP finals. Saw Jamie Murray, Federer and Djokovic walk past.

Dog all better now although we infected another team dog so all had to pull out of the comp yesterday - as it happened it worked out well for me because of the above and dog and I had a really nice long walk around Shorne and surrounding countryside.

Urgh. I am very tired now. I want to go to bed

Did end up going to FWB not long after doing last week's update, hung out for a couple of hours too, lot nicer than the quick dash in and out its been the last few weeks.
He was trying to make me watch something called "50 first dates" and made a joke that I needed to go on that. Annoyed me and also I don't want him thinking I only have him (although that's true!) So made up a story on the spot about actually how I'd been out the night before on a date to watch fireworks.
Ha. Take that div.
He then told me how the previous night he'd had a girl over who had been a bit casual touchy feely and he'd kicked her out. Someone definitely had been over as I had nicked their fruity cider and I know he doesn't drink that stuff.
Read into that what you like, he's always been honest about other girls he's had over or slept with etc so I see no reason for him to lie about that but does that answer one of your questions a week back H2?
Wonder if I'll get another message later, he better not want me to go out and miss the start of the newest David Attenborough.
I went out last night to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I really enjoyed it, it seemed to have his mannerisms down perfectly. Kinda regret not being able to go to a Queen concert and wondering how shit the one with Adam Lambert would be.
Haven't been able to do to much with Dog this week as she came down with kennel cough which was disgusting! Dog flem everywhere and constant coughing. She's over the worst now fortunately but I'm still wary of her around other dogs as she's still got a bit of a cough. 100 quid that cost me for medicines! Bloody animal!

Also bought a henhouse as it seems the chicken is staying perminantly now.  Getting quite fond of the silly thing, it likes sitting on My lap getting cuddled and likes to try and get in the house.
Went to Bromley yesterday as couldn't take dog out and supposedly to shop for Xmas presents. Yeah. Ended up buying myself presents! Epic fail!!

Let's see what this week brings!

No sex this week. Sad times. Hardly heard from him actually. Poor sod is mega busy with work. At least I'm sure that's all it is. Either that or my little fling is over.

Oldies still here, still annoying with heating in 24/7 And eating all my food and not replacing like for like.
Funeral is tomorrow then they go again Tuesday.
Work - had a bit of a falling out with the girl who's van I sit in most days. She randomly as she does, decided to give me a day off. I hate this. I do feel bad about it. It's not like I work for a large faceless organisation where it doesn't matter.
And he literally lives a 5 min walk from me, so I am trapped indoors trying to find something to do and when I inevitably bump into him in the evening I then find myself lying.
Why can't I just do my scheduled 8.30-4 in the office and not get up at stupid o clock to sit in a van for several hours?
She didn't get it. Thinks she's doing me a favour. We silently agreed to disagree.

Dog ran well today. I'm limited now clocks changed as to how much I can exercise her so my goal is to try and keep her fitness at a 5.2/5.1 level  in July I'd have been over the moon with those times and hopefully after clocks change it will be easier to increase her fitness and try to break that 5 second barrier again.

Did a few jumps today riding. Slowly built up a little triple, with a bounce fence and a stride then jump. Rather untidy, but more practice and hopefully I can get a grid up of 4 bounce fences!

Poor cow died not long after posting last week. Gotta see if I can get the funeral off. I feel like I should attend.
The most shocking thing of all is that The Brat actually has thawed in his attitude towards TMWMITW and actually spoke to him! Twice! Is it too much to hope that from this they can start to build, if not a friendship but civility?

Busy week here as always, fitting in riding, work agility class. We have just come back from a flyball comp where I looked after FWB's dog as well and ran her. Both dogs got 2nd places.

Hmm. Also maybe some thawing there in his attitude? He messaged me stupidly early Saturday morning - as in before 7am stupid! - I'd said you see, that I would go and help set up for the comp and he then also volunteered his time.
I rode and then didnt see point of travelling 40 minutes home, to turn around and go again but also didn't wanna be there too long. So I asked him if he fancied a visitor and I hung out while he pottered about and moaned about work lol!
I did get paranoid later in the day that he hadn't wanted me there and if I'd been a bother but he said no so that's ok. It's so odd. I want to hang out with him like I do my other boys but at same time I fear his commitmentphobe brain going into overdrive.

Anyway I made a diversion there this morning. Ha. He left the door on the latch for me and I just wandered straight in and up to where he was still lazing in bed. Felt a bit like I was breaking and entering.

Anyway I'm sure I have more to blog about but I'm tired so I'm away to bed.

Very sad. The girl that is my stepsister is dying, there is a massive growth in her ovary and it's spread to other parts. Her kidneys shut down yesterday and now it's just a matter of time. I hope it's peaceful.

It really messed with my mind a bit, same as when lolly went with the stroke. How can you be walking about one day and then life destroyed the next?

The girl has a horse. TMWMITW wants me to have it. I cannot afford it. I might not be suitable for it. I might not have the time for it. Trying to remain strong and not let my inner 12 year old that still dreams of a pony in the garden at Christmas to start whispering in my ear.

A reasonable week at work, Wednesday was good. I finished about 3 and same Thursday. I got a sneaky day off Friday which is good as I drove the Mothership over to Slough to the hospital - supposedly a 3 hour round trip. Took me 7. Yay for the m25.

Agility was good with the dog, bit more focussed this week. Went away quite pleased.

Busy day yesterday with walks for the dog plus her hydrotherapy appointment and then I shot off to see One Night Stand Guy.

Hoping for an easy week next week. I have Monday off and a sneaky Tuesday, I need to sort out a card for the old lady at flyball who looks after me lol and then I have drinks with the girls where I used to work on Friday (hoping for a sneaky early finish!) And then cakes to make and a flyball comp Sunday. Am running One Night Stand Guys dog as well as my own.

I should adopt a new nickname for One Night Stand Guy as it's starting to turn into a regular thing. Perhaps FWB (Friend With Benefit)?

Managed three(!!) Days in the office this week!
The beagle and lurcher came to stay on Wednesday and are going home tomorrow.

Was meant to go to One Night Stand Guys place Thursday but time got in the way. Whizzed round this morning! Think he was either offended/amused that I then shot off again without saying goodbye! In my defence he was on the phone and I had to get back for flyball training!

Agility training was frustrating. Hero is very distracted by the surface for some reason, although it's a riding arena and nothing there should be new to her!! She also got worried about doing the seesaw!

The girl I guess is now my stepsister collapsed on Thursday. Turns out she has a large tumour in her ovaries and it's spread. Doesnt sound good TMWMITW flew back Saturday and I'm awaiting a summons anyday from the mothership to collect her as well!!

Let's see what Monday brings for us all!!

Another week where I just spend Monday in the office and the rest of the week tootling in the van. I am not a fan of these early get ups at all.
I've decided that I'm giving myself till end of Jan If I'm not in the office fully by then I'm looking elsewhere. Originally it was going to be Xmas but then I realised it was gonna be mega busy with Xmas trees and shit so deffo not in office by then!!

Although it was made a little better this week as despite a Friday start of 6am I was back at home by 9.30. So I napped, walked dog and then had a gorgeous ride in the woods in the sunshine.

Dog did well at both agility and flyball and went for a water therapy session to help fitness and act as a physio session for muscles.

This morning I had a request to go to One Night Stand Guys place and I did so. We slept together but it was a bit different to before and that's all I'm saying on the matter!!

Getting ready for another week at work now. Hey ho.

Starting to get a bit annoyed with just sitting in the van helping with maintainence. Especially with London traffic making it so I am late home for the dog.

Still I have tomorrow in the office and maybe Tuesday as well although I think I will probably end up on the road again after that for the week. I dont really get how I am supposed to learn how to do the office stuff if I am only there every so often?! I mean I've been at the job 5 weeks now and only spent a total of 3 days so far in there?

Anyway it's fine. Better than being unemployed!

One Night Stand Guy messaged me and we met up with his dog for agility - annoyingly she was better than mine and has already been promoted to another class.

Mine is also running shit and slow again which makes me sad but what can you do? I'm doing my best to work on her fitness but hard when at work all the time!

Went out last night as it would have been L's birthday. Much drinks. Came home at 4.30 and then went up early for dog and horses. Struggled this morning haha!

I dunno. A guy started chatting to me, was a bit too keen, too young, had a kid, I wasn't interested in him. In the club later another guy - one of my good friends J, I guess we are a bit flirty together when drunk, its never been anything though other than playing but last night.... I felt he was trying to move on past that. You know you kinda get that 6th sense that the situation has changed?
Maybe cos he was so drunk and I was the only single female (who was also straight!) there. Not interested in him.
I don't even know what's wrong with me. I can't get with any of my friends as I know them too well, chatting to strangers fills me with alarm as I can't cope with not knowing the situation.
So am I still in love with Welshy? I don't even know. I can go odd days now without thinking about him.
Am I in love with One Night Stand Guy? No. Attracted to him yes, do I want a relationship with him? No. He's in a unique category of being another one of my male friends, but one of the ones I don't mind doing stuff with where as I can't even picture it with any of the others.
I need help lol!!

Another hardcore week out and about doing things! Watering, deadheading, sweeping, fiddling.
Got to finish at half 11 though on Friday, pretty goddam pleased about that!
Did the horse early which is always good. Dog started agility class, just learning jumps and the introduction of weaving poles, jumps she obviously found easy although I need to get her to realise that its not about doing thing a million miles an hour like flyball!
Went to a same-sex wedding last night - lots of free wine, dancing and fun. Mild wine headache this morning which took a long time to wear away!

Still no sign of my tortoise in the garden and im starting to really worry that i've lost the bugger for good.

He wanted me to come over Monday night, I refused. I'm not at his beck and call and Gravesend is a long way away, I was busy. I've been fairly busy all week, riding, had my redundancy party from the old place, been on site visits again all this week, started agility lessons with the dog.
I don't want to drag her along with me, she's a pain as much as I love her. So I said how about this weekend. I refuse to bring it up with him though and say how about me coming over. I will not beg for it.
I got Friday off - yay! - Did the horse early, went up to London and did the latest exhibit at the NHM and then over to Foyles and bought a couple of books, I took back a couple of bottles of wine from the party and have chilled out reading and drinking.
I've tidied the garden and filled up two more wheely bins - lady next door still moaning about the state of the garden which depressed me a bit.
4 in the space of a fortnight is pretty good going in my book especially when you consider everything else going on!

Not a lot else to report this week. Lets see what next week brings.

Been a busy and hectic week at work - been off doing all the site visits and helping to maintain them - not really sure I do too much in the way of helping - more deadheading and hoping for best and occasionally weeding and watering - fuck me though my sweeping skills are coming in strong here!
Early starts, not good for a person who loves their sleep but its only for another week and there's the strong possibility of Friday off and I can roll with that!!!

I dont want to discuss One Night Stand Guy too much on here - but I'm curious about it all, we speak often, almost every day, he messaged me Wednesday really excited as he'd literally just found out he's been offered the chance to apply for a massive, massive contract.
Is this something that fuckboys do? None of my real, close male friends would be in that position ever but I can't imagine me being one of the first people they turn to, to tell such things.

It's a weird one. I don't want to read too much into it. When we meet and say goodbye I want to hug him like I would all my friends but something holds me back, is it fear that he'd read too much into it himself?
And how do I really feel about him? Yes I'm attracted to him. I won't allow myself to fall for him and i'm pretty clear that he is only out for one thing from me which helps me to remain strong.
He is a nice distraction from Welshy and that's the main thing.

Car got fucked - needs a new door - goodbye to first pay cheque!

Annoyed with the Brat as always and his lack of help around the house and slightly concerned as I put the tortoise into the garden last week and haven't seen him since!! Am sure he's just in the weeds somewhere but.... yeah.... come out of hiding soon!!

Starting agility classes with the dog this week, be something to help keep her fit over the winter I guess!!

So again we need to catch up. My super busy August is over now and I can take stock of what has happened and regroup.
So I went to Mothers Wedding. I went for the shortest amount of time, but the return flight still cost me just under 500 quid.
And the car needed work doing on it for the MOT. Sad times. Goodbye Redundancy Money.
She wasn't as stressed as I feared although she did get up at 1am to start baking the wedding cake.
The wedding/commitment ceremony itself took place in the evening.
His daughter was there, I'd never met her and she clearly was in no mood to speak to me or be my friend. I was told by her that I had to sit at their table so I did and when it became apparent that she wasn't going to talk to me, I turned to the old man sat next to me. Still have no idea who he was to this day.
Introduced myself, put my hand out. He looked at me, at my hand and said nothing.
Wasn't really much I could do about the evening so I got merrily drunk. There was a very good looking guy there (think 90;s surfer look) unfortunately covered in tattoos which reduced him from a clear 9 to a 2 out of 10 at best.
Is it wrong that in my drunken state I may have told this to One Night Stand?
He was at his own wedding (not his to be clear, a wedding of a cousin) He tried to one up me. Did he sleep with someone else or is it put on? I've been told that he's not as successful as he likes to make out. I kinda sense some truth in this but its not really something I can ask him!!!
Anyway, I kinda knew where it was leading and I ended up going to his once I got back from Gatwick, we watched the football, we drank wine. We went upstairs and then watched the 3rd Men in Black film and I left when he was falling asleep on the sofa.
Do I feel bad/ashamed of all this? No. Maybe I should but I know where I stand and he's already become like another one of my boys, except I don't do the things I do with him with the other boys!!!
Dog did flyball this morning and ran well. got some more 4.9's although back to 5.3's when I raced in a team which is slightly annoying!
Back to work tomorrow and time to really settle in on the new job!

Been so busy and been such a slacker with this!

So as last mentioned I went up to Glossop to see my Godparents. Lots of walks for Hero, lovely to catch up and see them.
Then down to the flyball championships with a quick pit stop to visit H2 and a stop at Spondon Asda! Oh my god it seems a lifetime ago since we were there - 5 of us stuck in CL's Fiat chequinto.
One Night Stand and I had hired a camper van together - was I hoping something might happen between us? Yes to be honest.
Did anything happen - No. Am I disappointed? Not really. We had a lovely time, I outdrank him most of the time and it was nice to hang out.
- yes I do toy with the idea of seeing if he's up for a repeat performance but I'm not going to lower myself to that. (also don't think I'd like the rejection if it did happen!)
Really pleased as our team pulled a result out of the bag and we took 3rd place, overall the club took a 1st, 2nd and 4th place as well, so good adventure and already plans ahead for next year!
Shot home late on Sunday and had L's funeral Monday. I still can't quite believe it. I gave a speech. I cried. I caught up with the boys and had several drinks.
Tuesday started the new job and its that whole bit of being daunted, am I doing the right thing? Am I annoying by asking too many questions? Do they think I'm being slow at what i'm doing? Do they regret taking me on?

Hopefully in a months time i'll be more settled and in a flow a bit more.

Thursday (told you its been full on!!) I did a talk at a council meeting to try and save the field. It was a done deal really. We saw paperwork saying that unless the rugby club got what they wanted they were pulling out. The woman Chair was a bit of a Hitler and I lost my temper with her a bit and told her she was a rude bitch. - Probably didnt help matters to go in our favour (holds head in hands).

Saturday I went and helped muck out 13 boxes - the lady who owns the yard broke her leg and is in hospital. Mother had volunteered me to book plane tickets for a friend of hers who came around and Sunday we were at our last competition of the year.

Bloody hell is my dog fit now? She used to be a solid 5 second dog - anything from 5.3-5.7 seconds.
She got several 5.1, a 5.0, 4.9, and a smattering of 4.7's which is a HUGE drop in flyball times. (just as an idea the lane is 51 foot and includes a total of 8 nine inch high jumps, she also does a 33 foot run up to get to the start).
Super pleased and now wondering how I'm going to keep this up and hopefully improve it!!

Multibreed today and she was tired but the one time I did get to see she got a 5.3 so pleased with that.

Car in for service and MOT and then i'm off to the Wedding of the Year in Grotty... Mother is now Bridezilla. I'm glad i'm out for as short a time as possible!

He died before I could see him on Thursday. L which stood for his nickname - Lolly - Chris to use his real name. Somehow its hit me harder than a lot of the previous deaths. He was so gentle, such a gentleman, a year younger than me. Hard to get my head around.

I lost my shit Thursday night too. A woman, my mums age. She had been winding me up for months, claiming to be his friend, but yet where was she? how comes she never visited when she only works 3 days a week, and the ROG is a 15 minute walk from his rehab unit. She text him every day. Bollocks I say, he didnt need texts, he got depressed and down and he needed friends. His family couldn't get there every day. He was in the hospital and rehab on his own with only his own thoughts.
When she found out, she put it on facebook, before anyone knew, before his family had a chance to tell people.
I'm being a bit hypocritical here. I found out at lunch and I rang a few people, people that wouldn't find out any other way. G who came on all those Thursday visits, L up in Hull. A couple of people from the museum that I knew I could trust to keep the news quiet.
But to broadcast it on Facebook. No. That was low in my eyes. It was his families right to tell the museum, to allow them to tell people.
I told her so, I called her scum, told her how dreadful I had found her behaviour, really let fly at her. Maybe some of it was grief expressing itself, but its two weeks on now and I don't regret it, she needed to know how wrong her behaviour was.

I got a new job that week too. For a man I see on a regular basis while walking my dog and he his, he works for a plant design company. Again something different! I will be doing admin though so hopefully it'll go ok. Closer to home ever so slightly, more money too.

Last Sunday I came home from Mull visiting TP and TJ. TP now thankfully all clear from the cancer. Mull was lovely, I went up on the FRiday night, the day after finding out about L and it was hard in parts, I kept thinking I'd tell him about castles I visited and collected leaflets for him.
But its always good to see them both and so many lovely long walks, Hero came too and she has never been so tired, bless her. Falling asleep sat up!

Home again and I had my last week at work. MY boss wasn't in so I took the piss completely, leaving at lunch time, calling in sick on Friday.

We did dog training today and I think there might have been a bit of a breakthrough speedwise with her. We're off to the UK Flyball Championships next week. I'm staying in a camper van with One Night Stand Guy and yeah. I'm hoping for something to happen between us, even a casual thing.

Before that though I'm visiting my Godparents Monday - Thursday. Not seen them since Nan's funeral so a few years now! They've not even met Hero! Looking forward to that as well!

It's been a full on three weeks! Hoping to report with some good news next weekend and on Monday 21st it's L's funeral which will be tricky to get through.....

So my friend Lolly. The one who had a stroke, the one I've visited every Thursday, watched him slowly, slowly learn to walk again and then watched go downhill again.
He went AWOL end of May, got cancer. Since then I've read messages and hoped, and hoped that my instincts were wrong. That it wasn't what I thought. That I was projecting those hateful memories of Dad onto him.
God I wanted so much to be wrong.
I wasn't wrong.
A friend M rang me Thursday. She'd heard stories about him going into a hospice.
We both tried to get hold of him and his brother. Friday night my fears were confirmed.
He has weeks, if not days. He didn't want to see anyone.
Heartbroken. I hated that I couldn't help him, couldn't see him. Needed to do something. As always I couldn't cry, forced myself to go do something.
Saturday afternoon I text his brother just to tell him that although I didn't understand what THEY were going through, I knew to a degree. That I respected their need for privacy but if they needed me, to get in touch.
He told me to visit. He said that Lolly was trying to protect us and would be overjoyed to see us.
So G and I went.
He was thin, painfully thin but I knew to expect that, still some padding about the face. Hard. So hard. So glad G was with me to bounce talk off of him.
He asked at one point if we knew why he was there. I said yes and that I had guessed a long time ago.
He was going to say more but we were disturbed by a nurse. He collected his thoughts and asked what I was saying. I panicked and thought that perhaps he didnt know so made up a story.
He said he was just there until they control the vomiting and diarrhoea.
Protecting us again.

I'm going to see him again on Thursday. No G this time so it will be hellish hard. 

Why am I going through this again? It's not fair and once again all I want to do is crawl under my duvet and cry, but something forces me on.
It's not fair on the most gentle, sweetest man I know. He needs a miracle.

Last day at work confirmed! Scary times - 10th of August. Applied for a few things with long expiry dates as away a fair bit with Mull and dog champs
I get three days to attend interviews etc, so I took advantage of that and had today off.
Went to see E on Saturday - think its the first time I've seen her since last Summer!!!

We took the Dog to Ashridge Forest and had a nice walk and catch up and possibly the biggest scone i've ever eaten

Dog training and riding, and then just chilling out. Been shortlisted apparently for a role in the city so we'll wait and see if that goes anywhere.
Still all a bit surreal that i'm actually going!!

So, here's what's going down.
We were offered redundancy or restructuring. I initially wanted to go down the new job route as very mindful of all that time off of work last time and being away most of August!
There are two roles going. One is for events supervisior - 22k a year, more grief, less support than I get now. No thanks.
Other is events coordinator, less hours, 1k a year less money, but I didnt think I'd be that bad off as I'd be paying less tax, NI, student loan etc.
So in my 2nd meeting, she starts telling me about over 140 candidates and how some of them were really strong, which immediately puts me off but I hand over my CV anyway thinking, well at least I know the place and clients.
I was told I had 24 hours to prepare a 10 minute interview talking about one of three topics, preparing marketing and financials. Well I can do marketing to a degree as I do it as one of my many roles now, but it'd be amateurish compared to someone who does it properly and I have no idea about financials!!

So with that as well as the knowledge that she had candidates that she couldn't wait to interview I decided it was a waste of everyone's time and told her I wanted to go for redundancy as well. She was physically shocked and recoiled when I told her!

So I've mostly spent the week doing my CV and applying for jobs.

Work don't realise all that I do, and will be so buggered when I go, refunds, bookings, alcohol licencing, the office training, the PAT testing and contractors I deal with, no one else even knows the bloody WIFI code!
Every time I think of it, I think its more and more ridiculous how they are really shooting themselves in the foot and I think they are starting to realise that as they have pushed the last meeting back to Tuesday as they feel "they are rushing us and we need more time to think"
I think that its too far down the line to stop - we are going now and good luck to the new person/persons!

Went out with the girls from work - remembered that girls can't drink a lot! Went to bed at 1.30 - woke up at 4.30 and drove to Reading for a dog show where we watched the football!
Is it coming home? I hardly dare to dream.....

And look! I'm already behind again! I've been offered redundancy at work. Well that or restructuring.

Gonna do the restructuring route. If I took redundancy its less than 1k, it'd start just before I go on holiday and then i'm a month behind in looking for work with no savings to fall back on.

Restructuring means a small pay cut, less hours and gives me that breathing space to get through my holiday and then start looking again for things.

Fuck sake Life. Can you just stop being a cunt for a bit? 

The problem with not blogging is then you fall out of the habit and then it's like a month later with no updates.
Work thing was shitty but not as bad as I feared. I did the fun ride and I had SO much fun, didn't really jump anything but that's ok we had some good canters and gallops and she didn't hare about out of control. Lots of love for her and its given me some extra confidence for hacking.
Managed to get out of the work fun day due to necessary works cancelling it. They did a sponsored bike ride today from London to Brighton. I was expected to go and watch. I didn't. Got better things to do with my Sunday (like watch the World Cup!)
How many world cups in this blogs existence? Brazil, South Africa, Germany. Think I started blogging sometime around the Japan and South Korea one.

One Night Stand Guy and I have been messaging a fair bit, just casual, friendly banter, a message or two most nights. Two weeks ago we stayed up chatting till quite late and I learned some things that possibly explain his fear of commitment.  Also learned that he has quite the typical fragile male ego! Bless. He's a nice guy really and it'd be very easy to start crushing on him but we're not playing that game any more!

L - Oh God i'm so worried about him. It's been 4 weeks now since he messaged to tell me that while in stroke rehab they discovered cancer in his bowels and lymph nodes. 4 weeks since I've seen him as he claims to be too tired.
He's gone home now. G messaged his brother as he thought maybe we'd upset him. L is weak, in lots of pain and doped up on morphine. I took the bat detector to lend to someone at the museum and they said that his line manager had phoned up his mum as always, only to have her rude and curt down the phone, saying (and this is where stories differ) two museum people tell me that she was told not to phone again, that she'd nearly lost L once and was preparing to lose him again.
Another friend, no longer at the museum tells me that his mum said not to call again as she'd got some bad news.

Spent Thursday convincing myself he was dying any minute and I'd not know, until he messaged me late on to tell me about an infection in his testicles. (really more detail than I ever needed to know)
Feel a bit more reassured now but I'd like to see him for myself to really put my mind at ease but so much harder now he's at his mam's to just drop around, even if he still was up for visitors!

That's all for now folks. I've had a lovely lazy weekend watching the football and now it's time to sort my life out for work again next week - One more week closer to my holiday and only 5 more sleeps until payday....

Oh god. Not looking forward to work tomorrow.

There was a man who booked a party for his kid a month or so back. Then he rang to admit he'd made a mistake with the date and asked if he could change it which I did. He then rang back a few weeks after that to see if he could change it back to the first date. I said he could and he said he was going to check with his wife and entertainer. I never heard back so left it at the changed date.
Well guess who showed up today which would have been the original date?
My boss panicked. Refunded the money and put him into a larger hall than he wanted. And she's a customer's always right person so i'm going to get into trouble tomorrow.

Dog did dog show this week, ran well. We were unlucky not to get a placing. Planning Flyball BBQ for next weekend and I've signed up to do a fun ride.
I think i'm gonna need it! Dreading tomorrow now. Absolutely dreading it.

Weirdly after my little bicker with One Night Stand guy we've been getting on better. I feel like the cool kids would have a term for this, but i'm just putting it down to having the awkward sex thing out of the way and now just being mates.
Dog has had three flyball comps in a row and has run appallingly at all of them. I was so angry yesterday I completely lost the plot and screamed at her.
I'm taking her to the vets (yet more bloody expense I can do without!) for a pain checkup just in case but I think it's sheer naughtiness.
L didn't want to see us last Thursday after all and when we went this Wednesday he was in a downer mood so that made it hard. So glad I have G there as well when we go to have someone else to talk too!

Charlton made the League One playoffs so I went to watch for the first time in three or four years (imagine that a few years back!) they lost and i've just watched them lose the away leg. I do miss going, but I have too many other things now to go on weekends and devote my life to it again.
Most of my friends have the same feelings which is sad.

So after last weeks dizzy 24 degrees it's now dropped to 7 degrees and of course because it was so warm it feels worse than that.

Been an up and down week here. I was really pleased with V horse on Tuesday, we had a fantastic lesson with only minor steering errors.
Thursday went to see L in hospital as normal. He'd been talking about coming out with me to see Lovely who was on one of his rare visits from Hull. Friday though he was bottling it, I got impulsive like I did and asked his OT if he could come. He was rather angry and disappointed about me going behind his back and I had to do some major grovelling but we made up and I went to the pub and met B and JD as well as Lovely and it was so nice to catch up.
Saturday was a flyball day in Billericky so not too far to travel which was good!
Had a mixed day. Great to see everyone and get back out racing. Dog didn't run too well, but pulled it back in the end to set up two PB's - 5.2secs! I want to make that consistent now.
Happy banter between me and One Night Stand Guy, got the bacon roll he owed me. Stole his dog. All good. It turns out that another girl who goes but doesn't run a dog works alongside him and mentioned to me that she hears through the grapevine that he's shit at sex and doesn't have the luck with the ladies that he mentions to me. So of course me being me, when we're having a fb chat later and he's mentioning that he's off out to sleep with some girl unless I want to come around, have to bring it up.
Talk about fragile masculinity!! He went completely off the handle. Demanding to know who I'd heard it from, claiming he was going to message her and find out who she had been speaking to.
I said  which wasn't a lie, and that I'd not been listening fully so it was entirely possible I'd got wrong end of the stick. But apparently I didn't "Get it" (the bad sex thing matches up with my experiences btw) and then moaned that I always belittled him.
Which irritated me and I pointed out that he mocks me for not spreading my legs for everyone and being single. I'm lonely yes, but I realise my lifestyle makes it hard to meet new people and anyway. I was very lucky to have had Welshy in my life for 13 years and if that never happens again, then so be it. I'm certainly not desperate for another relationship - too busy for that shit!
Anyway. We made up I guess. Although I'm wondering why you'd get that stroppy unless there was a grain of truth in it!!

Back to work tomorrow and I have two flyball comps next weekend. Looking forward to that and hoping for another good lesson on Tuesday and hopefully there will be no awkwardness when we visit L in hospital Thursday!!!!

Its finally warmed up! Admittedly jumping from 12 to 24 was a bit much and
I'm rather pink and suffering from usual heat related complaints but its still nice to be in a t shirt for a change.

Usual routine here. Had an awful stomach bug that I'm still not 100% over - lost 1.5kg from it! Payday and instantly blown a lot of it on getting bird seed, dog food and trim and sorting the tortoise out. Annoyingly his lights have blown AGAIN!! He may only be awake for 6 months but he costs me more in that time than all the others put together!!
First outdoor comp of year next week - cant wait!

Busy week. Had an interview. Didn't get it. Bit gutted really. It would have been perfect!
Just gotta keep eye out for something else.
Made a lot of cakes this weekend as is the last day we have access to the field I walk the dog in.

One Night Stand guy popped up on Friday, wanting me to come around. I was busy baking. I know he was texting another girl at same time as me. I know that he had a girl come around when I refused as busy.

Part of me says that going to him makes me a pushover- makes him not respect me. I don't think he respects any female, certainly not the way he treats them. Although I appreciate how he's always been honest with me.

Then the stupid impulsive part of me whispers - what's the harm in going around there - apart from its a bloody long drive! I like and miss sex and both of us know where we stand.

I think it's the other girls bit that bothers me. If it was just me, then I could do it a lot more and accept it a lot more.

I used my time off of work wisely, I went to the dinosaurs in the wild at the 02 event, the one that got postponed from the first bout of snow.
As expected I was the only attendee without a small child. No awkward looks there whatsoever! It was very well done however. Based of off Jurassic Park and of course it all went wrong needing us to "evacuate"
I also went down the V and A for an exhibit about Winnie the Pooh and then one on cruise ships and then pottered into the NHM for a slightly disappointing Venom exhibition. Still. As I get to go to these things for free I can't complain!

I rode a fair bit which was good, had a pop over some jumps - nothing major just mostly 50cm and a 60 to finish, felt rather confident doing them which was good, even if they were a bit untidy!

I also have had a bit of a riding breakthrough in terms of my errant hands and contact so all good there!

Monday just gone however the poor dog got very sick, vomiting and fitting. I thought I was going to lose her. As it was all I lost was close to 85 pounds, and the insurance is covering the rest - nearly a thousand pounds! Poor, poor little dog. Broke my heart. She's better now thankfully, just building her strength back up and of course I'm now horribly bankrupt because of it.

I have an interview! Crazily it works out as 10 hours less a week, but nearly 200 pounds a month more - I also would get the fancy pants title of manager. We'll see. It might be beyond me and I've had my fingers burned before lets face it chasing money.

What else? Oh yes me and the receptionist at work went to see the Woman in Black. I pretended I hadn't seen it again. I wanted her to come with me during the Easter Break when I was getting fed up about it being three days since I spoke to anyone in person. Her commitments meant we had to wait until Wednesday.
It was good as always. Couldn't help but note it was the same seats that me and Welshy occupied once nearly 8 years ago. Sigh.

The thing is I have moved on from the relationship side of what we were. I just can't seem to move on from the friendship side and I miss that. Perhaps that's just cos i'm a bit lonely.

Other news? I ended up back in London again yesterday. L is so much better now, he's had the op to fix his skull and he had tickets for the Charles 1st exhibition at the Royal Academy. So off we trotted with his carer. He's hoping to be allowed home soon.

We've finally lost the battle for the field and now i'm not sure where I'll walk the dog come winter. The 16th is the last day and I'll be sad to lose it and the friends I've made walking there.

Gutted - my flyball competition over Easter has been called off due to the shit weather we've had lately.
But on other hand, although my hotel is non-refundable, I'm not spending on the petrol, the food for myself and the Dog, and car parking etc I gotta tell CL that i'm not coming after all which is sad, but hey ho.

Now to find something else for me to do! And at least I still get the time off of work - speaking of work, its still rather iffy as to how the charity is going. I'm applying for another job at the moment, although re-writing my covering statement is boring!
They also want to do the fun day in July - same day as I was planning on going to see TP and TJ. Yay. Everyone has to attend so that's a bugger as I really don't want to do it, then drive to bloody Derbyshire!
Was suggested that perhaps they'd rather come to London and volunteer!
Also I got summoned back into work on Wednesday to meet with a client that really the caretaker should have been able to show about which ate into my time visiting Lolly.
I got told I need to get my priorities right when I complained about both!

Whatever.

I'm looking after two other dogs this week, a beagle and a lurcher. Both have surprised me about how lazy they are (although both slightly porky!) I did worry about if they'd come back to me but they have been very good, although it's hard work looking after three dogs when out and about!

They go home on Tuesday - phew!

Didn't blog. Had it on my mind that I needed to, just well. too lazy!

THis week has been an ok week, I got to work from home Wednesday morning, which was great - bit longer in bed, bit longer walking Dog in morning. Did some housework.
Happy days.
I can't get over how it was so warm this week and yet this weekend it has done nothing but snow -albeit that annoying not really settling snow.
I started applying for new jobs again, I don't really want to but I think its a case of at least now I have a choice, where as if I leave it a few months longer I might not have that choice! I hope not.
I also don't really want to go but needs must.
I saw a great job which ticks all my boxes so spent this weekend applying for that.
As mentioned a couple of weeks back I took M to court. It went as expected. Also interestingly J announced that he had "forgotten" the existence of an isa and now all of a sudden there 60 odd k floating about to be spread between the family!
Moron.

Oh yeah! Great News! TP is nearly finished her radiotherapy and this weekend for the first time we saw L walk when we visited him in the rehab unit. Fantastic news for all concerned!

I tried to ride today, wasn't successful. Idiot horse freaked out at a tractor next door before I got on. I got my finger trapped, its now a little swollen and I can't bend the top of it or put any pressure or grip with it.
TBF I couldn't really bend it anyway - the result of breaking it in a playfight with Welshy when living in Spain and not having hospital or doctors near us who could treat it!
Will give it a day or two to heal - seems a silly thing to go to the doctors about and by the time I get an appointment it'll probably be healed anyway!!

Well we had the predicted snow - although definitely not snowmageddon! Has been deeper in this blogs existence!
Thought it would be a bit of a washout as although bitterly, vilely cold and snowing heavily on Monday morning, it had stopped by time I got bus to Eltham and melted by time I finished at opticians.
Tuesday I hacked V and it was fine, but by the time I was hacking G it was snowing and settling. Got some cute photos of him with snow in his ears and I had a fine layer on me!
Of course by the time I got home, it wasn't about - just 6 miles between us!
Woke up Wednesday to about 5cm or so. Dug out an old plastic planter and headed up to Oxleas for sledging fun! Don't care how old I am, couldn't resist! Had lots of fun.
Thursday and novelty is starting to go, I tried to build a snow castle with snow bricks I made from an old tupperware pot and it worked relatively well until I got too carried away and tried to dye it orange and then it fell down!

Poor birds though, I couldn't get anything to stay up to give them shelter and it was so bitterly cold! Thursday I think was the worst day with windchill of -10 although really only -2.

Started to pick up and although it snowed steadily Friday afternoon, preventing me from riding, it was nearly all gone Saturday and is only currently still remaining in the sheltered places.

It was nice to have the snow although frustrating as it stops you going out and about and I felt like I missed out again on the joy of having a week off of work!

Still not long until I get a few days off on top of the Easter Bank Holidays and I used the time wisely cleaning the house. Brat even wanted to socialise with me and we played a couple of games of monopoly, which is the first time in a couple of years we've hung out since the random invites to the pub ocasionally to play pool.

I feel very tired today strangely and indeed did so yesterday.

Back to the routine tomorrow, sad times but as I said, not long until I have a few days off again, planning a day trip to the New Forest and hopefully will get to see CL as well.

Another standard week here. I booked my hotel for the Hampshire flyball comps, and the outward flight to Grotty out of the insurance money which is pleasing.
Had to get two new front tyres and new jods and trainers which ate into my wages and have an opticians appointment tomorrow.

Snowmaggedon is apparently on the way. Think i'll believe it when I see it although it is bitterly, bitterly cold!

Week off starting tomorrow which is exciting, although I think I'll be hibernating if it does get horrid!!!

Too tired Sunday, no excuses for not doing it yesterday.

Had my appraisal at work. I made a throwaway remark to my boss about being deaf. I do genuinely think there's something in it, I struggle to hear sometimes, sometimes there's a popping or a buzzing in my ear. I think I have tinnitus from a night in a club in San Adrian.
Anyway, she's taking it seriously and putting me down as having a disability! As if the glasses wasn't bad enough! I really should go to the doctors again. Welshy made me go a few years back and although they gave me the all clear there's definitely something there.

I'm off next week. I don't want a hearing aid. I should go, and not put it off.

Was at a competition with the dog on Sunday hence the being too tired to blog, was a good day - our team won and we picked up another first place and two seconds.

I ended up looking after One Night Stand's dog all day. She's as good as gold really - puts mine to shame! He also talked me into taking her back to his.

Been a bit of banter between us the last few days. Anyway Sunday night he told me he was horny and invited me back. I didn't go. I was already at home in my pjs by then and the thought of driving the 20-30 minutes to his place for a quick fuck and then driving back didn't appeal.

Nothing to read into it though - i'm so tempted to take him up on the offer if not for the fear of something getting complicated between us and also - yeah its a lot of hassle for not much reward! Now if dinner was included then I might be even more inclined to join in.

The crazy family are self-imploding again. Uncle I is taking M to court. D is trying to distance himself from it, I and J are saying that M is in cahoots with Mother about the money. That M is trying to cover something up. I dunno. Tempted to go see the whole grotty thing unfold next week, we'll see. Probably more aggro than its worth!!!

Sitting here trying to think of things to tell you about this week.
Insurance finally came though. Of course it came two days after I ran out of money and took out a payday loan. So that's where that is going!

I took the receptionist at work and her daughter to the yard to meet V and have a sit. Perfectly behaved for them. half hour later we're cantering on the spot and bouncing to get away from a wood chipper. Daft mare.

I booked to get new tyres put on the car. My boss and I had to go to Sidcup and she asked me to take my car so "she didn't have to leave her parking spot" I was still on the verge of poverty then and decided to "pretend" that I had forgotten as I really didn't want to waste the petrol, especially after driving to Gatwick and back!
She only made me go home and get my car and then we were late to the meeting! Hahaha!

Dog training today. She is frustrating. Running properly with netting, running out the minute it is removed. I think maybe we have to keep the netting in there and hope she forgets? Although you can't have netting in competitions....

We're at Maidstone next week and I'm dog sitting One Night Stand's Dog - No mince pie incidents there hopefully!

Been a bitter cold week, with a disappointing lack of snow.

Obviously dog not cured as ran out lots today. Sigh.

Insurance is dealing with my claim now so that's something. Fingers crossed it comes back soon. A lovely, lovely lady in the field where I walk Dog gave me £50 for her plight. I felt awful. I hadn't told her my tale of financial woe for that but at same time overwhelmed that she did so.

Mothership and TMWMITW came back Friday night and then flew away Saturday to LA. Its possible that his money/copyright case will be dealt with by time he comes back.
Joked that he could buy me a horse and pay for its upkeep each month. Took it all rather seriously and busted my bubble. Not that I was serious, I'd struggle with time if I had one of my own anyways.

Nothing else really to report back here. its bitter, bitter cold and the forecast is for snow but I bet its a huge disappointment again.

Not too much to report on. Dog got all clear from blood tests. Nearly cried in despair however when she found a raisiny cinnamon roll yesterday and took a bite. How can you take her to the vets for the same thing in not even a week? I self medicated with wine and scraped out the last of the activated charcoal and fed her that.

Sent insurance forms off so now to sit and wait for them.

Day off tomorrow and i'm looking forward to it. I have lots of plans, the dog and I are going for a long walk, I have to take flowers to Nanny and Granddad's grave and pick up mum's travel insurance. I had planned to get a new car tyre but yeah.... stupid dog put paid to that one this month!

She ran really well at training today, very pleased and hoping that she has got over the worry of having another dog run at her, but we'll see how she gets on next week. Too much to hope that she is cured right away but luckily there is two more training sessions before next comp.

Horse is lame but I wasn't really in the mood for a long ride today after training so that suited me to have a short potter around the woods.

Welshy's birthday today and i'm busy overthinking a comment from Lolly. Urgh. Tired of this nonsense.

What a disaster the weekend turned out to be!!!

As mentioned i'd been booked into a hotel for this party. So dog in tow we rock up at the hotel. No record of me, under my name or under the ladies name. Tried to ring her but of course she's already at the party so doesn't hear me calling.

Drive to the venue in the hope that she can speak to them over the phone and get it sorted. Took nearly an hour to find somewhere to park and i'm on the verge of going home out of sheer frustration when I bump into someone I know and they help me get a spot! Go in and find her and she calls the hotel

Turns out she's actually booked it for SEPTEMBER! 

Old people should not be allowed near the internet!! Anyway she and I went back to the hotel and I'm there watching them pay for a new room - 90 quid!! 

Whatever. I vow to buy them some flowers to make up for it.

Party good fun, got to leave Dog in hotel room and I dance and generally have a jolly time. 

Get up next morning and go to the comp in Maidstone with the lady and her dog. We do our morning racing. Win first race, second went a bit astray. It's ok, there's still the afternoon to go and we're in a good position still.

About 12 she goes and takes both dogs for a walk and then about 1 goes to get something out of her bag, turns out she left a packet of mince pies in her car. Turns out Dog likes mince Pies. Turns out mince pies can cause irrepairable kidney damage in dogs.

So she gets rushed into vets, put on a drip, given medicine. I beg money from the Mothership as payday is today and I had 30 quid to my name. So now mum's out of pocket by 241 quid - well 200, paid her some today.

Dog is ok now, but awaiting blood tests to see if there has been any kidney damage. So that's another 100 quid gone. I had a fair few loans being paid off this month so I knew it was going to be tight but fuck me I now have 65 quid until I get paid again.

At least. I know I've filled the car with petrol, I have food for the month, just be replacing things like bread etc.

I can claim insurance back for Dog so that's my next port of call but I wanted to get a new car tyre after the mini explosion a couple of weeks ago so that's a bugger!!!

Trying not to be annoyed as she's genuinely upset about it and it was just one of those things but I really, really could have done without this!!!

Naughty Charbs.
Already one week behind.

In my defence last weekend I spent in Cambridge at a dog show and drove back sunday, rode two horses and was then zonked and had to get ready for work still!

It was an ok weekend. dogs ran mostly well. Had a nice meal with One Night Stand and then hung out watching the scouse FA cup game.

This weekend was a party for one of the people in my dog training team. Cake didn't go to plan twice as I fucked up reading instructions, but all worked out well and they seemed to love it.
Danced a lot, drank a bit and had a great time. One Night Stand was also there, a mutual friend asked when we were gonna do something about the sexual tension between us. I was drunk enough to want to tell her, sober enough to realise that was a no no and there was an internal struggle momentarily before sober Charbs won! Haha. I do love having that as a secret but it'd be nice to share with someone. 100% he's got another girl on the go though, he was getting texts I noticed from someone with emoji hearts in their name and that def won't be a guy! Not fussed. Would have been nice for more, was never on the cards and I've gained a new friend out of it so win win really!!
Hopefully not another 18 month dry spell before I sleep with someone else though

I met up with Flash from early blogging days as well Wednesday just gone which was great!
And of course we have the usual Awful January milestones. I was a bit shocked this year that I was getting the dates muddled in my head. I guess cos they are so close together. 6th 12 years since he died. 9th his birthday.
Last Thursday as well was 4 years since that awful night when Granddad died and convieniently would have been Welshy and I's anniversary. All I have left to get through now is Welshy's birthday and the breaking up day.

Life moves on. I move on. As I told him in my drunken, ranty email, he has no say over my happiness any more. I am mostly happy, just occasionally lonely.

Next weekend I might not get a chance to blog as again I am at a dog show.
Odd night before - I have been adopted by a lovely old couple as a surrogate grandchild - they tell people I need mothering! Anyway, for some reason I got invited to their son (who I've never met!)'s 50th birthday. There's a few other people I know going so its all ok. I was going to drive, not drink obvs and then go home and take the wife to the comp next day.
Except they booked and paid for me to stay in a hotel close by - really lovely of them but wish they hadn't! Its only saving me 20 mins in the morning and now I need to faff about taking dog with me, taking her to the party, leaving the poor sod in the car as I can't leave her in the hotel over night alone!

Haha! It'll be alright I guess!! Maybe....