Busy week here. Maybe not as bad regarding credit card as thought. Busy trying to figure out how to change it over to the new interest free one I've got.

Mother has been home this weekend. We went to see Beauty and the Beast. It was pretty good although I did want the cartoon voices.

Not sure if Welshy has a Russian girlfriend or not. His Mam and brother have been out to see him and she posted fb photos (no girl in them) about how nice it was to see Welshy and "Elena". My stomach hurts at the thought of this and I'm angry about how my feelings are betraying me, I realise it was for the best, but fuck it. Why couldn't I be the first to move on?
Impossible when I never get the chance to meet anyone.

Dog all good. Jumped the horse which was good. First jump at proper height in nearly 20 years - not that 70cm is a proper height but its a start! Work - boss has been away this week. I fear the fallout tomorrow.....

Been a busy old week here.
in process of changing my credit card over to one that's interest free after last weeks bombshell of having spent over the loan and that I had a lot more to pay off than I thought!

I want to do the same with my bank account and that's going to be a work in progress come Wednesday payday.
11 months interest free would be super useful!

This weekend we (I and Dog) drove to Peterborough for a competition. She ran really well and shaved a few seconds off of her optimum time. I would LOVE to get her down to under 5 seconds. We'll see.

Had a nice meal with some of our team mates both Friday and Saturday, there's a guy there my age with a dog who comes irregularly. I tried to imagine dating him. Failed. urgh.

Mothership comes home Thursday for sommat or another and I won a raffle! Yippie! I never win one and its a 50 pound gift card that was free entry after signing back up for contacts.

So very tired today driving home, didn't ride in the end had a long old nap with dog curled up on my lap.

Did a few jumps with the horse last week, almost looked like decent sized cross pole at the end and now to build on that and start from scratch with an upright and then move to my nemesis the oxer (two jumps close together and jumped as one)

Next comp is over Easter. I said I wasn't available for the Sunday so hoping to get selected for Saturday or Monday. Failing that next one will be Bank Holiday.

Went on a bloody pointless training course today, supposed to be about learning management and leadership skills.
Failed to learn either. Still. didn't have to go to work, didn't have to be in Wooly until 9.45 and was home an hour earlier than normal.

Last night I thought it'd be fun to do a "on this day" looking back through my blogger posts for March and back.

Some of it was fun, memories of drunken nights with friends in Derby, o travelling adventures some of it was sad reading about Welshy and how much fun we used to have together and then how it all died. Some of it was utterly heartbreaking remembering Dad and those last few months together.

I read too of awful comments Mother made and I find myself doubting the words I've written. Did she really tell me I was too stupid to take a job? Did she really, repeatedly tell me how awful I am compared to the Brat. Did she ever pay back the thousand pounds I've lent her?

My posts at some point changed from full of hope, that I would one day free myself from this, make something of myself, to bitter resignation.
I no longer have hope that I will do that. Life that keeps me in London, the economy that makes it impossible for me to live in London independently has killed that.

Perhaps it went when I lost the job in Bedfordshire. The final nail on the coffin when she failed to make good on the promise that I'd have some of the inheritance. I kept a foolish hope that one day Welshy would pull himself together and help me get out of this mess, but yet I always planned how I'd keep the both of us, knowing that nothing would change.

 I just have to keep on treading water, those debts are slowly going, Only 600 pounds left of a one time 2,800 credit card debit. I can pay that off in 6 months if I do a 100 pounds a month. I can pay it off in three months if I can carry on the 200 a month I'm currently paying back.

Then to focus on the overdraft. I can do this, not sure yet of the best procedure to do so. and then next August the bank loan I took out will be done and I can rebuild. 16 more months. Then who knows?

Well I do now know. I will be here still. And I will be here in another 10 years.

On/off week back at work. Manager is applying for funding to create a new role and its something I'd like to go for but a) the self-doubt creeps in as to whether I'd actually be suitable or able to cope for it.
b) the funding only lasts for three years. I have no intentions on being unemployed at the end of three years as stands to reason that my role now wouldn't still be available and would have gone elsewhere.

V has had a bit of a cough this week and therefore we've had a bit of a slump after last weeks high of how well she was going, can't hold it against her nor let it get me down.

I did shit loads of planting yesterday, spent far too much money in the garden centre, created a new hanging basket for the porch and planted candytuft, begonias, a mixed planter and a raspberry bush.

I'd toying with the idea of getting a planter for carrots but we'll leave that I think until payday at the end of this month as I've got a hotel stay in Peterborough for a competition weekend after next and really I should tidy the patio up so I can plant them and carry on battling the weeds in the front garden.

Tomorrow I am attending a leadership and management course. We'll see if we're able to put any of it into practice.....