Interview Wednesday - Real one!
Felt it had gone ok, but haven't heard owt back so guess it didnt. Is it paranoid to think that my work history is the problem?
Drove to Wales and back over the weekend. So proud of myself and still in a state of shock that I can do this!
This afternoon me and Welshy are going to a museum exhibition and then for a meal out.
I was feeling perky about it all until I came home and had to tidy up after my brother.
Will I ever escape it all?

Turns out the interviews were lies from a recruitment agency to get me on their books.
Wankers. Shouldn't be allowed to give up false hope.
Anyway, enough feeling sorry for myself. time for action!
Really throwing myself back into this job hunting lark. Applied for over 20 at the weekend. Its all about the numbers game. Throw enough mud and something will stick etc...
Watching HOYS and applying away....

Lets sum up the last few months.
As we know I was offered a job near Cambridge/Bedfordshire. I jumped at the opportunity. It seemed like a great career move, I'd be running a brand new compliance department in a brand new company.
It was out of London, a new start for Welshy and me. We'd be able to afford to rent somewhere. I could afford to get a horse. It paid well and just seemed perfect.
So I went, I was staying with E and her partner in Hertfordshire during the week and travelled back and forth.
I quickly grew aware this wasn't compliance as I knew it. Compliance as I know it involves taking an active part in the candidates paperwork, its applying for fit to works, DBS documents, chasing documents, chasing references. Always busy, always on the phone, always emailing.
This was different, the consultants chased documents and they had no idea really what was needed and what wasn't needed. I asked the girl there already and was rebuffed when I tried to apply for references.
"We need to wait until we're told to apply for them."
I spent endless hours transferring documents to jpeg, editing the necessary, adding them to letterhead, transferring them back to pdf, then adding to a file or dismissing the often irrelevant, which should have been perhaps only 5% of my job, not all. I get bored doing repetitive stuff like that. I made errors because I got sloppy. It was boring, either no documents or hundreds. I admitted to D that I got lazy when it was like this.
I tried to make changes, the girl D rebuffed me, or worse stole my ideas and passed them off as her own. I allowed this for some of the smaller ideas, I figured. It doesn't matter as long as changes happen in the right direction. She admitted to me that she had no self-confidence, self esteem, that her job was under threat. Being the stupid, soft person I am, I allowed her to take a few of my ideas. Only the silly ones that didnt' matter. Like presenting a monthly breakdown of what the department had done. The fact that it was ridiculous that we didn't have them completing FTW documents when we already had their medical histories.
I brooded and waited. I figured give it time Charbs, learn the ways of the company and then slowly change it from the inside. I demanded meetings with the managers. It took a month for that to happen, I presented my ideas, I was told I was full of good ideas.
Nothing happened from this meeting. I waited... One week... Two weeks. A new guy started we'll call him Triple H. Lovely guy, the type I really get on with.
His training was erratic at best. I was sitting away from him and tried to help as much as I could but D wasn't the type of girl who could let that go. I realised she was threatened by me, and needed to control everything in the department. So again I took a back seat and then fixed it when it went a bit tits up.
She still wasn't allowing me to do anything, she was the only one allowed to make combined files to send to clients. She was the only one allowed to apply for the FTW requests when they came in, to apply for DBS, To apply for references. I festered and tried to influence where I could, but and I'll admit I was still being silly and sloppy with documents.
She wrote a long impassioned email to the managers, saying that I was lazy, that she wasn't enjoying coming to work anymore.
We had a long awkward meeting and I resolved that it was time for change. Fuck them telling me what I could and couldn't do. So I got a small list of candidates and started chasing them myself. I created an application form for them. I created an interview form for them, I put together documents relating to losing your GMC certificate, appraisal information, Hep B low responder information.
I not only chased my own candidates but I got the reference list split in three, taking the larger amount, often chasing Triple H's as he also was doubling as IT Support. I emailed them to the bosses and thanked for my work. I just went and applied for the FTW's on my own.
Numbers doubled, massively, in some cases tripled. I moved some candidates from less than 20% compliant to 60 - 70% compliant
I tried to encourage D to chase them on the phone as well, but she complained I was nagging her so I gave in.
It became a competition between us, who could do more. A horrid atmosphere.
Still I battled on, I wanted to make this work. I loved driving past the fields, we were house-hunting,
 Two weeks after the awkward meeting, another girl from another department came in to manage us.
I went to her upset that evening. As far as I was aware I was supposed to be the manager and yes I realise I had created a rod for my own back in the way I had dealt with D, I told her, a little sadly how awkward it was, how she was using my ideas, how I had plenty I wanted to share with them all. How I had been misquoted and labelled lazy. That I knew I was earning 5-6k more than her and Triple H and I wanted to be felt that I was earning this.
Nothing changed.
She tried to take some of the power away from D. I realised I wasn't the manager. Just another compliance body. Fretting that I'd be in a bad situation, that they'd either reduce my wages to the same as the others or let me go, I tried to keep bridges open, but as the same time hoped for the best, buried my head in the sand. Helping Triple H where I could, focussing on my own work.
Two weeks after the meeting with this girl, and this Monday after work I was called into her office.
They were letting me go....
Citing my "laziness", that I was creating a bad atmosphere in the office.
Triple H consoled me, cuddled me. I drove home, concentrating hard and then came home and cried.
Now here I am.... back to the relentless world of applying for jobs...
Back to keeping the house tidy (lets ignore the mice and maggots that greeted me on the weekends and the two hours of tidying I did each weekend)...
I feel more trapped than I ever did before. I'm struggling to hold it all together. That was my chance to leave London, to create a new life for me and Welshy.
How can we afford to live in London away from this house and in a reasonable level of comfort/quality?
Am I ever going to afford that horse?
Am I really as disruptive/lazy and awful as they implied?
I already have two interviews lined up but I take no hope in them... It will make no difference.... I take them.... 22k is still not enough for us to get a house or a horse..... I am 31, embarking on my 4th period of unemployment.... 2nd in one year. I have an erratic work history...... I have done random shit that never worked out... Spain.... Bedfordshire...... Financially I am not any better off than I was in August because driving 500 miles a week is rather expensive and not only did I have to pay rent to Mother despite not living there, I also had to give some to E.

I have nothing..... The thought of going to sleep and not waking is more and more appealing......