I wish I had more money. There's currently a £225 body protector, top of the range and top of the safety league on offer for 40 online. I can't really justify a new credit card purchase as my bill at the start of this month was 850, plus I put 50 on for my cross country ticket and today I cracked and put 400 on it for my season ticket.
It will take forever to pay off so I need to be strict and remember that I already have a body protector, albeit over 10 years old and in need of replacement. (same with my hat really!!) Hopefully I'll be able to see another such good offer once the JSA comes and I can pay off some credit cardness

Went to Bromley for an interview today. Probably wasn't best to answer the question of "Why should I employ you?" With "Because I'm awesome."

Yeah. Good skills, Charbs!

Also. Disgustingly. I was on the road by the company and on the floor was a dead collared dove half grown chick and a pigeon. Not just dead, by falling whatever. No the heads were missing and just nasty bloody stumpy spines poking out of their necks. How gross. Someone/thing must have ripped their heads off. Wasn't an animal.

 I emailed the dental practise back regarding the second interview I went on and they're STILL considering their options.
Stupid company. Looks like I've failed in my vow to get employed by the time Welshy returns from Austria! (6pm tomorrow!!!)

Ho hum. ALSO! THIS time next month I'll be on my way back from Olympic Dressage. WHEEEEEEEE!!!!

Two more sleeps. Wheee!

Its been such a hot, humid and muggy day here. Up in the midlands apparently there's been storms and hail! And flash flooding! Its the end of the world. A Day when I should be preparing for my interview tomorrow has resulted in me planning a solo hacking route, visiting The Job Centre again and still getting no where with the money I need from them.
I went to see Granddad afterwards. Unfortunately it seems Alzheimers is catching and he is deteriorating rapidly. Not yet to the same extent as Nan (who I can no longer visit as she doesn't recognise me and gets agitated by that fact, so its not fair on her) but it will happen to him as well.

Positive news though. I have this interview, still waiting to hear back from the others, applied for a shitload more this week and heard from the twins who are going to Southend in a fortnight and want to meet.
And tomorrow marks one month until I get to achieve a life-long dream and go to the Olympics! And get to see three days of horsey adventure. I can hardly wait.

Also! Two more sleeps! Yay!

Hmmm.. I thought to myself. It's a bit sunny out, but cloudy. I'd best put some sun cream on.
So I coated the pony's nose and muzzle in it, while he tried his hardest to lick it off.

Did I think of doing it to myself? Fuck no. Am I paying the price now? Fuck yes.

4 more sleeps till Welshy comes home, hurrah!
Off to play with Sunnypony tomorrow! Double Hurrah!
Went to the shops and brought two bikinis and amazingly neon green bra and pants - triple Hurrah! (if only I had a holiday to go to!)
Got paid for my work trial, money not so drastically needed! Quadruple Hurrah.

Forgetting that I was supposed to sign on yesterday and finding out they refuse to give me any money until Welshy comes home and want to dock a weeks JSA anyway because of this??
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octruple (is that a word?) Boooo's!

Another interview lined up this week Whoop Whoop. Applied for another job as well. Still waiting for the one I had last week to get back to me. TBH am starting to think its a no go if they've not bothered to reply.
We went out on penalties. Such an average side.

I thought out of interest I should see what I've been doing on this day (or as close as) since I started this. (boredom avoidance tactic ahoy!)
Anyway.

This time in 2004, I was preparing to leave the house I shared with MH and CL. Incidentally the night before England lost to Portugal in Euro 2004! Postiga! Me and MH ended up in hospital after someone threw a bottle at her.
 The next day I learnt Dad's cancer was terminal.

A year later I was still unemployed, living at home, lost and lonely, missing everything and everyone I had left in Derby. Deeply miserable, not knowing what to do for the best. Who to help first. Longing for help myself. On the 28th I took another driving test and failed. I was wondering if this was as good as it got. Whether that would have been the highlight of my life.

2006 saw me working in The Health Food Shop that Shall Remain Nameless and Volunteering at the London Aquarium. I loved my fishy friends there! I was preparing for a promotion at work but never got it, on the 28th I went to The Tower of London. I'd just been to Derby and was bemoaning the fact that everything changed. H2 was pregnant! CL had just got engaged to UDOBF! It was another World Cup Year and me and Welshy had become friends and it was only months until his confession. Me and E were idly planning our trip to NZ and had been to Iceland and Ireland.

2007 and me and Welshy had gotten our act together and had spent the night in a hotel in Covent garden after a hugely random night out. I was working in the Museum as a seasonal after returning from New Zealand and this happened.

2008 and my world was rocked again with the news that my Granddad had cancer. I'd been to a Lock-in with Welshy and some of his friends. Blogging began to take a back seat as my days were full. Welshy moved back to London soon after.

2009 and I vowed to get out of a rut. the 19th of June saw me decide to re-enrol to take my Maths GCSE again. I made these vows.


1 - I will either own my own place or be living away from home.
2 - I will have that maths GCSE.
3 - And a horse.
4 - I'll have a good job to pay for said horse.
5 - I'm gonna go back to the old driving and very determinedly pass the damn test.


Well, so far I got the GCSE! The rest is up for debate!


I hardly posted in June 2010, but I was living in the Isle of Dogs with Welshy and Flatmates from hell. We'd been to India. and I was preparing for my GCSE exam. I'd fallen out with MH over a year ago and suddenly had heard that she was expecting a sperm donor child.

2011. Last year! I'd just returned from a holiday in the Lake District and been to R's wedding. What a fab night and holiday that was! I had no idea that three months time would see me pack up and move to Spain! I'd been accepted onto the MSc Course (Just finished the first stage of it! - Probably last stage as well!) and me and Welshy had booked a trip to Vegas!

What a nice way of looking back on everything and seeing my moods, interests and whims at the time!

So had my second stage interview and am still waiting to hear. First they told me it would be the day after the interview. Then the Friday. Now I'm wondering if I was rejected or if I need to be more patient and see what happens.
Still not got any JSA money. I'm starting to struggle for pennies. I have 70 quid left until the end of my overdraft. I desperately need that money to come in soon and the money I am owed for the week trial I did at Eurostars.
No idea when any of that will come through. Am assuming that the Eurostars money will come on Friday if its not stuck in limbo somewhere with the Natwest problems.
Have another meeting at the JSA on Tuesday, not the one I need before I can get any money off of them.

Welshy comes home on Saturday, am looking forward to it immensely. Its been nice to have that space but I miss him now, bothering me all the time.

Riding Sunny has been hit and miss, we had a lovely three hour hack a week ago and a really nice schooling session on Monday after my interview, we're working on teaching him half halts which is a way of getting the horse's attention, to pause and slow his pace momentarily and prepare for another change, either into canter or downwards. I really felt like he was starting to get somewhere and we had a lovely session.

Friday... Hmm. I learnt he doesn't like being ridden in the wind and the rain, he was very nappy and threatening to buck the whole time. I built some trotting pole exercises and tried to make it into a small jump just so he did something different and doesn't get bored of the same exercises but to be honest. It was just written off. He wasn't happy about being ridden and made it quite clear. He's a baby still and I need to make allowances for this, perhaps I should have taken him for a trot down the lane instead of forcing him.

I spent today making a nice table in Excel so I can chart his progress and what I plan on teaching him and things I aim to achieve with him each month (a jumping class, some countryside rides etc)

Handed my last uni essay in. I hope it gets a decent mark. I failed the previous essay. Yuck. Depression Central.

10 minutes to go and then this England game is heading to penalties.....

Things are good. Getting better. Had an interview last Wednesday. Just had email asking if I can come for a second stage interview on Monday, bit nervous about that as its an "assessment" apparently.
Had a lovely day hanging at the yard with Sunny yesterday. He's a lot better to ride although annoyingly nappy still when he sees the gate. I enquired into the possibility of someone showing me hacking routes. Looking forward to that.
I did cut my fingers to shit on his field gate which has now swollen and gone purple, very attractive when I have an interview to prepare. Hope it heals soon.
Welshy is still in Austria, been good to have him away, everything's gone a bit like it was originally when he was in Wales. Looking forward to his return though in two weeks.
 Met the boys for football on Monday and England play again tonight. Happy days.

Tedious apparently.

When I met you, it was clear that you were ill. Mentally ill. I pitied you, I recognised such things. Believed I could help. You tell me I did, that I taught you how to live life and enjoy it.
I'm ill too you know. But you tell me i'm self-pitying. That I'm tedious. I am. I realise this. I fight just as hard as you do.
Lately. I'm not winning. Maybe it's being back here. Maybe its the fear that you've never understood, but its suddenly paralysing me. I'm frightened. I had a panic attack last night about getting on a plane. I don't even have a fucking flight booked.
I see people in the street and I know I have done more than they have with their lives, that I have more to fight for. But I see other people, the old people shuffling down the road and I ache for them. I wonder if they remember the joys of skipping through puddles, and to go out with abandon. I pity the people who have nothing left and I am so scared that will be me. You know what I'm scared of. You've never understood it. But I fear the days that I have now, of nothing to leave the house for. No more holidays, No more adventures. No more friends. Of being alone. Of dying. Of dying alone.
I'm 28, I shouldn't be feeling this way. You know I have for a long time, since I was 9 when I realised I wasn't immortal.
Lately, this is weighing on me. A pain in my chest. I spent a day in bed in San Adrian. I wanted to tell you then, except I knew your reaction. Today, tonight I told you and I got the reaction I expected.
I cried. I cry now. I've grown soft and weak. I felt like I did when I tried to tell Mother about being unhappy at school and she told me I was worthless.
If I'm supposed to be able to tell you anything, then why do you react this way? I can't tell you. Sometimes I feel even though you're sat next to me, as lonely as I did before you come along.
I'm tired. I'm tired of being sucked into this black hole, of the way I get treated by the others in my family. You're right. I do believe I'm shit. Currently. I fought through this once, twice, many times before and I will again. But its hard. Hard when I'm treated like they do, hard when you tell me I'm too boring and dull now. The ways you try and motivate me it doesn't work. I just feel worse.
It doesn't help. You don't help. I suffer from things the way you do too. Remember that.

I really need to leave the house. Except I can't bear the kids off on their half term holidays. Today I spent the day looking up New Forest pony genetics. Not even remotely related to the uni course I'm doing (this month, Nutrition and Digestion).
I did apply for a few jobs today though, and started a new Jobseekers application.

Enjoyed a nap around 2pm as well.

Going to visit Sunny Pony again on Wednesday. I plan some hardcore schooling, am going on Sunday too. Hopefully I can convince Mother to come and either critique what I'm doing (she has some uses!) or to walk along with us if we go for a ride in the woods.
I fear that could be a bit naughty as he's not been out on his own before and doesn't like leaving his chums. So to have her there as something that he can take a lead from would be useful. Or to drag him along while I do pony club kicks and try to keep him moving forwards!

So I don't really know what to put. I'm not returning to the NMM. I can't really tell you why, Needless to say I've had a harsh lesson in internet naivety and trust.
Welshy was called up to go to Austria for a month by this company again last week. The thing about Austria is that its close to a lot of different countries. He'll be racking them up while I'm here counting pennies.
He also got a call on Friday from a recruitment agency wanting to pass his details on to a company in Richmond. Obviously he is in Austria for the month but we'll see if they get in touch upon his return.

Me? Well I've applied for a job with the Natural History Museum, still waiting to hear back from TFL and the Houses of Parliament job. I've spent most of this week, in an outraged funk, considering whether I can get in touch with citizens advice, or whether I should suck it up and move on.

I rode Sunny Pony on Thursday. He's a little dick of a pony. He put in a couple of little bucks as soon as I got him into the field and then was rude the rest of the time I rode.
I only popped on for 10/15 minutes. To be honest I was uncomfortable riding him, he'd not had any exercise apart from turnout for over two weeks. I did consider not getting on him, but felt obliged.
He did produce a few strides of good trot and we finished on a good note, where I was walking up back to the gate and he kept rushing back so, i'd turn him in a big circle and we spiraled our way back to the gate, by the end however he did walk sensibly up so we ended it there.
I had to be very forceful and rough with him though, because of his lack of manners. I hated that, I've never been a member of the "yank and kick" school of riding and especially not on a small pony just starting his training. But I needed to do it.
He's not dangerous, just naughty, having toddler tantrums in a hope that it means he can avoid work. I'm not soft enough to let him get away with this. THAT will result in a dangerous pony. Certainly not one that's supposed to be a child's first pony.

Oh yes. Yesterday Me and Welshy were discussing that if we managed to get work, we should go back to India for a week in the New Year and then a week on the Anaman Islands before moving on to Thailand for a week.

NEED WORK THOUGH!!!!!