Monday, September 21, 2009

I fell out with MH just after Xmas, there had been a huge amount of just general shit that I had taken from her, comments about how "I was only moving back home" (when Dad got diagnosed) "so you can avoid getting a job" and "oh why bother finishing your degree?" How my mother's accident was a convient excuse on my part to stay at home and not join in the real world.
(yeah cos nursing her and panicking cos I was told that she could suffer a stroke) is really me avoiding the world. (I never really blogged about this, it was the start, I think of me not being as avid to record my every move as I was once)
How she ignored when I told her of my Granddads own cancer battle, just three years after Dad.
She never once cared about how I was, and I ignored this, tried to put her comments down to just being silly and tactless, but I couldnt never forgive or forget them.

7 years we'd known each other, I'd helped her through all sorts of relationship and university issues. And yet when I needed her, she wasnt there for me. She let me down, but being a bit of a doormat, I let it go unchecked, clinging on to the past and how we'd been in Rowditch.
She made sarky comments, jealous about mine and Welshy's relationship, with him being in Wales at the time, that it wasnt a proper one.
She had affairs with married men, I really disapprove of this, no, what I disapproved of more, is how she made herself the victim in all of it, when it went wrong and the partners eventually found out, she blamed the man, the wife, the girlfriend. I could have just about coped with those actions if she took responsibility for herself.
She miscarried a child, fathered by one of those men.
I supported her through that, albeit at a distance, wondering why, when she'd never been there for me.
My Derby lads, Welshy, they were all angry at me for being this doormat, for not standing up to her, but I remembered long nights talking, endless laughing fits, mini-adventures to football games and late nights at Our Beloved Friary and trips to Derby Grill and I couldnt, somehow throw that away. She needed me, although I, by this time, was sick of her relentless selfishness.
She fell out with H2, and was angry I think, deep down that I stayed friendly with her. H2 came to see me and there were rumours going about, about her actions with those men and the baby.
I felt the best thing to do, was to try and deny knowledge of the baby and say, that yes, there had been an attraction with a married man, but it had stopped before it got too bad. I believed that this would stop the rumours (she's fantastically paranoid about people talking about her) and still protect her and not make her seem like some crazed skank.
She was angry at me when I explained my actions and I'd spent all afternoon that day with my Granddad in the Chemo ward and had run out of patience. So told her to fuck off and that other people had problems too.
She deleted me from FB and MSN after this, blaming me I think for spreading gossip and lies about her. I sent her an email explaining how I felt and that was the last contact we had.
I've heard other stories since, stories that have made me worry about her (and why should I Welshy asks and he's right, but I still cant stop hoping that she's ok)
She left her previous social worker position, because of misconduct. Now I find that it is a case in her current job of "leave or get sacked" because of her unprofessionalism and letting young kids mix with adults who havent been police checked.
I find that a boyfriend she met on facebook, has been taking money and using her cards to get her in shocking amounts of debt, so much so that she faces being made homeless.

I cant help it, I am concerned for her. I am not ready to forgive because I cant forget how much she's hurt me, but I dont want her life to be fucked over, if I ask how she is, she'll assume that I'm apologising at best, at worst if the stories are true/false I will be blamed once again for causing rumours and lies to be spread about her.
I cannot ask CL as she will have been primed to keep her mouth shut.
I really want to know she's ok, but don't know the best way to go about it, nor do I know why, I cant just shrug my shoulders, say "she had it coming" and then move on with my life.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

so hey there! I'm partially moved, a drastic shortage of coathangers means I'm regularly tripping over piles of clothes and Geronimo the Tortoise is throwing a massive wibbler over the lack of his super special heat lamp not working, I have a tumble on order, ASK and BWF didnt want it and claim they wont use it, well if i find that they have and wont give me a 100 quid towards it i'll pop the fuse out and take the motor out if I can.
I can be a petty cunt too!
There's a small battle of dominance going on in the fridge, and I've surrendered the living room in exhange for sky multiroom, although Welshy says thats a bad move and we should present a united front.
He rather cunningly managed to get us the largest room and they're in a wee boxroom type thing, although our bed is very creaky, which spoils my enjoyment of other things, as I fear people listening.
So its all going good, I'm at home tonight, as I've been off to give blood and it was just easier to stop here than go back.
(I love the fact that I can get up at 8.10 and still be in work by 9.10 rather than getting up at 7.30 BTW)
I've got my two applications in the post and Welshy is wetting himself with excitement over my maths and is constructing tests and homework for me in his head.
Patronising cunt.
Not managed to get in touch with new stables yet (I wanna learn to jump cross country like Zara Phillips!) and i seem to be being plagued with foreign calls that hang up as soon as I answer.
Ho hum
But yeah. Loving the freedom and Mother seems to be coping so far!
I worried about leaving her all last Saturday and then, I was waiting at the bus stop with Welshy with some of his bags, fretting about how she'd be.
And out of a window drifted...
"here's a little song I wrote, you might want to sing it note for note.
dont worry, be happy."
and its really sad and I know its a co-incidence, which is why I never mentioned it to Welshy, who'd do that patronising "aw bless" thing he does.
But that was one of my Dads favourite songs, and he'd hum those lines or sing them to himself under his breath when under a bit of a crisis or when someone came to him with a problem.
So I decided to take it as Dads last bit of advice to me.
And i'm not going to worry or fret about her, but be happy, or as happy as I can possibly be.