Seems weird to give an update about normal things when there's all this shit kicking off in Ukraine. But let's quickly recap.

My leg is getting better on its own, or at least I thought so until I did a bit too much walking on Wednesday and then had to get the tube into work on Thursday and the jolting did it no good whatsoever! Due to the pandemic I've still not been able to see anyone face to face. They gave me codeine. Very disappointed in that. No effect whatsoever. It deteriorated to the point where I went upstairs on four legs. Constant nagging ache underneath my left butt cheek. Feeling every so often like my leg was getting caught in the socket. Not pleasant.

They decided I broke my hip. I got Xrays. I hadn't broken my hip. Nearly 2 months after my first call to the GP I'm finally getting a physio Zoom call on Monday.

I got a refund from one of the payday loan companies! Four hundred pounds! But before we get too excited, because this is me and I have the worst luck, the car decided to break down. Took it to a garage. Useless garage. Ended up paying 300 for work that wasn't needed.

Took it for a second opinion. Now I need to get it refunded and pay out 180 for the real repair work. SUCH A PAIN. Four hundred pounds would have paid off one of the three loans I have left. April. April if all goes well will be my last loan payment. So much for when it was nearly due to be paid off in January! URGH.

Anyway. I guess all this pales in comparison to what's going on elsewhere. I don't even know what to make of it all. Impossible to imagine being in this situation like the Ukrainians. Tweets going out, telling people how to make Molotov cocktails in their homes. People sheltering in tube stations with pets in pet carriers. I saw a video of a man saying goodbye to his little daughter and wife. Brings tears to your eyes.

I get why we can't be involved yet, but its such a tragedy and then the talk of it starting the next World War. The talk of how Russia has nukes. Its such a horrible slippery slope. And the brave people in Russia who are protesting against it and being arrested and God knows what happening to them.

When I was still young and naïve, I imagined how fun it would be to have a blog documenting something interesting - like Pepys and the Plague years. The truth is definitely how I imagined, all those years ago sat in my uni bedroom in Derby! 

 What to say? In December we were sent home again fulltime. I fell off of Sharemare trying to jump. I've bruised ribs, shoulder and back. When that healed my leg has decided to stop working in sympathy as i've been over compensating. 

Deeply regret 4 year old Charby being plonked on a pony and enjoying it..!

Christmas was Christmas. Spent most of it trying to rest various injuries and eating my own bodyweight in matchmakers. Alone again, although I met a friend for an afternoon walk which was nice.

The Deathday and birthday anniversaries have passed. 

What to sum up last year? It was a trying one in many ways, but also better than 2020. I need some form of human company and everything was so much more bearable with my "after-school" activities back on. 

The dogs have blossomed during my time at home. I'm not exhausted anymore. Still very lonely though. 

I still struggle with the idea of letting this die. I overshare on Facebook now rather than here. But its comforting to know it exists. 

 And now we are back down to one day a week in the office. I like this, two I think would be ideal though. 

Mrs Collie attended her second starter comp and ran well helping her team to another 1st place. She has another one weekend after this. I have entered her into an obedience competition (HAHAHA!)

If only we could get over the chasing! I really want her out running properly in time for the outdoor season next year.

The Mothership is coming into land tomorrow for 10 days. I wish I was more pleased about her visit. The Brat is posibly ill with covid - 1 positive test but two either side of that negative? 

He is leaving for the Lakes for the 10 days she will be here. So tired of being in the middle of them all.

Money is tight as it always is, but come January I will be rid of the loans and be in a better position than I am now. Just gotta struggle on through!

I'm in a better mental place than this time last year where I was lonely and spiralling and struggling. I might feel differently once winter really kicks in but for now we will appreciate life as it is. 

 We have now been back in the office two weeks. I hate it. Back to 16 hours work days, struggling to find time to eat after work. The trains are super busy as well - pre-covid levels. I'm not that keen on being crushed in at best of times, let alone with it still floating about! I mask and gel where I can.

 I like the job and I like the people but its time to find something else, something that offers more in the way of remote working or is closer to home to cut down on that two wasted hours commuting each day.

Mrs Collie has done fab lately. She made a debut in flyball last weekend, coming away with a hattrick of rosettes, 1st, 2nd, 3rd. Agility debut next week and then off to be spayed.

We are battling a flea infestation indoors. They just dont seem to be going, no matter how much I wash the bedding, treat the dogs, hoover. I think its where the weather has just been awful this year! 

Wet and warm and my attempts last year at tackling the garden have proved to be fruitless.

I lost the last of my birds recently, when I had the hen it bought rats into the garden and they hunted and killed them. I got my first cockatiel to celebrate my 11th birthday and have had them ever since. 26 years of birdkeeping!

 If someone ten years ago said that this blog and I would be around in the middle of a pandemic and England in the final of a proper competition. I think I would have pissed myself laughing, not sure what was the most unbelievable! But its happening!

Flyball is back tomorrow! And then the final this Sunday. 11 more days before I go back to the office. 

 Well the supposed back to work date is now July. I went to see TP last weekend which was lovely, we went to Bakewell, Chatsworth House and Hardwick Hall. So good to get away from work which has been manic and horrible.

My role is coming to an end and i'm being pushed into something else a bit more basic and lower pay but we will see how we go and keep eyes and ears open for another job if needed.

The collie has finally come into season I originally booked her into be spayed for August but now am thinking of having it done in September as gives me that little bit longer to save up for it.

Less than two weeks now until we go to our first flyball comp, hopes are not high as was a disastrous training session yesterday but with one more to go who knows and will be so so good to be out and about again!

Share Mare still off work with laminitis and I have been to the pub for the first time since possibly Dec 2019 to watch the England games!

I had my other jab last Thursday so that's good although again I had groggy side effects from it. 

 Another month has passed in the land of the lockdown. Restrictions are loosening again, so I took the dogs down to Devon for a training week. It was full of drama, Cocoa got loose, I backed into a van. Cocoa got caught in electric fencing. I met CL and UDOBF! How fucking long ago was it that we lived together? Madness!

Flyball training has restarted. Hero is fab as ever, Cocoa is slowly getting her head around it. Share Mare has laminitis and is on box rest.

I had my jab yesterday! Pfizer. I was/am sceptical about how quickly it got pushed through and passed for the public but I always said I'd have it when my time came but I was in no rush to push it forward. Let everyone find the blood clots and side effects first. I feel ok this morning, a bit tired and headachey, kinda like a super mild hangover and my arm is sore around the injection site, like i've been punched but Brat was out cold for 3 days with the AZ vaccine so i'm doing well so far!

Work is so full on with lots and lots of training. We have a back to work date of 22nd June, but two days a week working from home, I am disappointed it cant be more. But its still a lot better than all 5 days in the office. I'm hoping that when I do the early starts for the training I can work from home those days too.

I will be going to see The Twins in June and flyball comps start back in July. I need to start sorting out agility classes for the pair. Is this another false dawn for the end of the pandemic? With the Indian strain and the utter uselessness of the Government I'd not put it past them! 

 So fed up - April showers seem to be April snow showers! Cold, more like Jan than April! I'm feeling guilty. I woke the tortoise up, put him in the garden as I was tricked by the two nice days we had had where it was 20 degrees, now its snowing -2 at night and can I find the fucker to bring him into the warm?

Hopefully he's dug a wee hole somewhere to shelter in.

Pandemic life continues. I did a 6 week, 4 day stint of not talking to anyone who wasn't on Zoom!

Then over Easter I met a friend for flyball training and then E on the Monday. 

The most exciting thing so far to happen to me this year was nearly getting stopped for shoplifting. I got beeped when leaving the store and I didn't get a receipt from the self serve machine and then while talking to them, the mars bar I put in my hoody pocket to eat on way home fell out and I got marched to customer services to have everything re-scanned and then had to open up my bank app to check it matched with what I paid for!

Haha! So much paranoia in case I hadn't paid for something properly! 

Still waiting for restrictions to ease. I've rather foolishly booked a training holiday for a week for the dogs at the start of May. Work say we're at home now until 21st June and then flexible working, with us in the office Tues/Weds/Thurs. Not sure how that would work for me. I have international training that starts at 7.30 BST and the office doesn't open until 9.... 

Hoping I can get them to agree that I can stay at home on the training days! We will see. 

 Oooh Controversial post on Facebook led me to getting a ban for 48 hours and caused an uproar!

So Major Tom died, very sad etc. But I posted questioning why in the middle of a pandemic that preys on elderly people did a 100 year old man think it would be ok to go a 14 hour round trip to Barbados?

He did all that fund raising for the NHS, (i'm sceptical about whether that money actually went where it was supposed to or if it was diverted to the fancy big billboards they put up to get us all to stay home, but you know, probably best not to question!) 

Anyway point is, this has been going on for just short of a year. He's done all that work, everyone knows you stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives. 

Its not like he was going to Tesco's for his weekly shop! He went to frigging Barbados! Not really essential was it? 

But anyway daring to question that led to uproar and a Facebook ban and snide secret messages from people who don't have the balls to discuss it directly. 

HE's A WAR HERO! You can't say things like that. (eye roll emoji) Not really sure what his war work has to do with this. 

Princess Diana all over again and i'm getting convinced i'm actually living in Nineteen Eighty-Nine! 

 New years eve!!

Some ways this year has flown by! Some ways it's been a hellish drag.

The old couple I mentioned in my last post? The lady died. I'm so gutted about it, they were like surrogate grandparents, exhausting but fun and very, very generous. 

My covid test came back clear only now my car is fucked. Battery/alternator. Who knows?

Cant afford to not have it. Cant afford to fix it. Nagging away is the thought of needing to fix the roof and the electrical issue as well....

My other, one surviving grandparent died. Dads mum. Haven't spoken to them since the funeral. Wish I felt bad about it, I dont. I'm sadder about my friends.

Normally I write a sum up of the past year but it's been such a nothing year! Everything on hold.

Should I write goals for next year? In all honesty I can see me being at home until next Easter at least. Cant see there being many dog comps or training sessions.

So I wont. Lets all tell 2020 to fuck off and bring on 2021 and keep fingers crossed for a better one! 

 And Boom! Just like that its Christmas. We're now in tier 4. so kinda proper lockdown. I'm self isolating, the old couple at flyball who have adopted me, invited me into their house when I went over on Tuesday to drop off xmas presents. So I figuring, afterall I'm very low risk enter the house, breaking the rules for the second time since March. Only once I got inside, she's coughing and they're telling me that their son is upstairs after having been hospitalised with the covid!

Gee thanks. My few days of freedom and chances to get out of this house and do long dog walks and rides and its stolen for me, for 4 days at least until I get a test on Tuesday.

Sigh.

So even though Christmas is shit anyway, its been even shitter as i'm stuck indoors! Last week as well, all the electrics went again. While i'm up a ladder trying to sort it I realise the kitchen roof is leaking.

I rang the Mother thinking she would have ideas but got abuse that its my fault for not looking after the house and then tears about how rubbish her life is.

Hello?! I'm stuck with the Brother who is incapable of flushing the toilet and has currently parked a pissy mattress in the hallway, making it impossible to hoover or tidy properly for the last two weeks. 

I made a brie and bacon mac and cheese but as I didnt have the right ingredients thanks to the needing to confine myself to the house, its rather dry. Edible but dry.

We had our staff virtual xmas party, which was almost fun and almost like leaving the house! Getting ready, putting some jewellery on etc! Like anyone on zoom would notice!

Anyway, here we are. I'll blog again soon, if not before my traditional end of year fuck off post. 

 Ok - let me fill you in on my weekend. As previously mentioned BB appeared mid August and we got heavily flirty, dodgy videos got sent. We made plans to meet up. Do what has been hanging over us 18 years ago. 

(18!!!! Can you believe i've been dicking about with this that long? That means possibly next year is my 20th Blog-versary? Jesus I'm getting old.....)

Lockdown happened and that did nothing to help my already fragile mental state as referred too in the other post. I had been looking forward to it very much.

Fuck it. I decided I had the day off. I'll break lockdown. Drive 143 miles one way to see him. You're allowed with the new rules to see one other person. Single people are allowed to do so... Support Bubbles and all that shit. Yes I was taking it to extreme as i'm sure they mean just visiting people down the road and you're not allowed in their houses. But I needed so, so desperately to get out of this house, to have human contact. The sex I'd been promised, that he'd built up in my head.

So I did. I went to see him. And as my life goes, it never lived up to expectations. Oh I was very careful. I don't obviously leave the house much, apart from riding and the park and I only touch my things there. I didn't go to the supermarket or shops at all in the week leading up to it. 

I had to stop at services halfway through to use the loo, I washed my hands before leaving the car, I only opened the doors using elbows etc, once through the door, I washed them again. I washed them before using the loo, after, before touching the pads when ordering a cheeky macdonalds, (my first since Feb!) once they gave me the food. before leaving services, when eating in my car. I wore my mask. I was as careful and confident as I can be that I took all precautions.

I got to his late, and we hung out in his hot tub, catching up, and yeah, things started to go the way we planned.

He remembers, bless him, how worried and naïve about it all I was, tried to reassure me, although I don't need it any more.... Things were moving on.... His cat got into a fight or something outside and he went to rescue it.... Stopped the mood a bit. Came back and I tried to instigate things again but yeah, it was dead.

We went to bed and things got moving again... but he wasn't fully ready (trying very hard not to be too crude here!!!) He told me he had too much to drink while waiting for me. We cuddled and went to sleep.

Oh God! It was so nice just to be held and kissed and to feel wanted. I didn't need to hold back, not like with FWB. Didn't need to keep my guard up, make sure that I didn't fall. We slipped back into how it was before. Even just cuddling in the morning and during the day, nothing sexual. Just felt wanted for the first time in ages, how much I missed human contact.

His cat kept getting in the way. That bloody animal knew exactly what he was doing. It was funny, and even funny in the morning when we tried again and failed.

We sat and watched TV and in the afternoon I tried to start things up again and we went back upstairs.

"I'm sorry.... I can't... I've not been able to for ages."

I was drunk. I rolled over and went to sleep. I woke up and cried. Just like being in my early 20's again and crying on his shoulder because I was so scared of the future. So sure it was my fault, that he was making excuses for me, that I was broken. That he regretted me being here. That trying to live up to an 18 year old fantasy was so bloody stupid.

He asked me if I was allergic to the cat.

Sunday morning and I didn't have the heart to try again. I just got up, counted down the minutes until I could bolt for freedom, having made plans to go see H2 before driving home.

 I apologised when I got home. He tells me its not my fault. That I did nothing wrong, but I find it so hard to believe. I know its a man thing and pride when it doesn't work but I thought he knew me better than that. That he must have slept with other girls, he hasn't been in a long term relationship for 8 years but he'd had other girls. He must have. 

And I'm so goddamn frustrated that I broke all the rules, went under false pretences and here I am again.

It was a one off. He is too far for it to be a regular thing and to try again, even if I was ready to be humiliated again. I was struggling to get away even before, too many commitments. He's sweet and kind but ever so slightly racist and transphobic and I can't be doing with that shit. 

It was nice to get away, to kinda feel wanted, to spend 24 hours staring at a screen in a completely different environment. To catch up with an old friend, to see H2, even if only briefly as I had to get back to the yard for the horse by 3. 

So here we are again. Slightly refreshed by my weekend away, slightly still mentally broken and adding this trauma onto my list of mental woes. And I've been writing this since 9. Its time I started work.....

 I've struggled. Really struggled mentally with this whole thing. It was ok in the Summer as I could take dogs for long walks after work and ride.

I still work from home, which is brilliant for the dogs, for my being able to save some money, less stress but its hard. God its hard being in this house all day. 

They let us have "bubbles" and I struggled with that. No one would want to be in my bubble, no point asking. I asked people if they wanted to meet up, go for walks, go for a drink. People wanted to be with other friends, see family, I am low on their list. It's fine, I accept that.

Things loosened up a bit, we could start flyball, agility, obedience training. It was the only time I spoke face to face with people. 

Then it got taken away again, the nights are dark when I finish work. I take them out at lunch as well as the morning to get some sunshine.

My work began to suffer, I had an amazingly humiliating meeting about it. I hit rock bottom financially and have cut down my riding days which also lost me some of my routine and safety net. 

People talk about how lonely they are and I think, well this is nothing unusual for me. I can't be bothered to go drag the entry up but two years ago I made a post about walking around Asda just to be around people and repeating to myself that I was not lonely, I was not lonely.

I'd be ok with being on my own if I could just carry on with my activities and I realise just how much my life revolves around the animals, how much I rely on them for my sanity and how much worse I'd be if I didn't have them.

They talk about how they hope for a normal Christmas and I think, well my Christmases are on my own anyway, so that's normal and anyway now I know for definite people only invite me out of pity.

Mum only gets in touch when she needs something from me. One of my boys that I go to football with, hit rock bottom. I was scared he was going to do something silly. I reached out to him. Told him of my own struggles, tried to make him realise he's not on his own. Nothing. 

People only seem to reach out to me when they need something from me and because i'm so desperately lonely I run to help them, to give me meaning in my own life.

E & P's Dad died - not of the Covid, the funeral is next week. i'm going to be off  for it. I suppose I should be glad I'm invited as they're limited to 30 people? 

 See! I havent blogged in so long that it's all changed when I go to log in!

I'm back working. From home for now. I have been home for nearly 6 months, over 146 days. 

Originally it was going to be 4 weeks! OK, hard to stay motivated and everything takes a hell of a lot longer. But so, so many positives.

No 2 hour commute. No spending 160+ a month on said commute. So much better for quality of life for me and the pups as they can have lunch time walks/training.

No news on when we go back to the office. Start of each month I pray for one more month.

But life is slowly returning to the before times. I'm back at dog school. I'm doing 1-2-1 agility and flyball classes. I have two agility comps coming up. No flyball till November at earliest but I can see it not happening until perhaps next Easter when we can venture outside. I'd rather do the training. Its better for Miss Collie, who has now been with me a whole year!

Some days I think she's improving. Some days I still despair of her. I spend a long time training her each day - I have the time now!

We move Share Mare to a new yard and have spent time hacking and exploring. We did two in yard clear round jumping rounds in July and today. We did well and today I remembered to breathe and enjoy myself.

I met up with my work colleagues and CEO for a casual dinner on Friday, first time I've been out, out since- well March - if not longer. 

Again my life hasn't really changed, still busy with the animals, just no competitions. 

BB has suddenly reappeared in my facebook. Looking back now, I am grateful to him. He taught me a lot, was very patient and in these "MeToo" days I realise how easy it would have been for him to put the pressure on me and I would have caved to something I wasn't ready for. But yet each time when he begged me to let him put a condom on, and I froze. He accepted it. Dealt with it and we moved on.

I am grateful too for when all that ended and I would just go to his place drunk and upset and needing comfort and him holding me while we slept.

We have been heavily flirty via fb messenger. If I didnt have the animals, perhaps I would go there and we'd get stuff out our systems. But I do and he couldn't stay here and I couldn't disappear every so often to walk and feed them.

I love them but they are a bind!

Mother came back for a visit on my birthday and exhausted me. It was a stupidly hot week which makes me ratty anyway. She didn't wear a mask while flying or travelling the two hours and two different trains till I got her. She refused to self isolate. We argued. Her friends called me The Gestapo.

I was glad she went and yet feel guilty that I'm not nicer to her. I dont see her often and I should be more patient but every time it just drags up the resentment I have. 

She spent the inheritance that was given to her. 100k within 4 years. She lent me money which I'm paying back. I got a new laptop from it. A not very good one in all honesty.

I have been home for over 146 days. Nearly 6 months. I wonder when it will end and cross my fingers that I can somehow stay at home even if its just one or two days a week.

So the world is still a bit insane. Lockdown got extended but people were ignoring it near me. Groups of 10/20 people I'd see meeting up. Then hugging and kissing each other goodbye.
I've been taken back off furlough and am now working from home. Possibly until "September'-ish". Tbh I think I'm off furlough a bit soon. No one has money for training and waiting to see.
I feel like the Government are trying Herd Immunity though the backdoor. Apart from occasional bumping into people at the yard, I've met one friend since March. I'm not sure how that makes me feel. On one hand apart from my afterwork activities nothing in my life changed during real lockdown and this half hearted attempt we have now so you cant miss what you dont have. On the other hand it reminds me that I am actually quite lonely and miss having a partner.
FWB has popped up. Split with his gf due to the virus. We had a clear the air talk about how unhappy I was with his actions. He doesn't think there was anything wrong in what he did. I'll wait and see if he makes any more move apart from that although I think for him that ship has sailed. I'd like to think the same but if he messaged I dont know what I'd do tbh. It's nice to feel wanted even if you know deep down you're not wanted and nice to have a real face to talk to rather than a screen.
The collie has been a real bit of work during this and I'm starting to see light at end of tunnel although it might all go backwards and depress me should flyball/obedience start again.
We're moving the horse. Further out but hopefully a nicer place. I have a friend possibly coming around next weekend for a socially distanced catch up in the garden although I'm trying not to get excited about it as she is a bit flaky.
The only good thing I can truly report on is that at least my funds last the whole month on furlough wages and I'm hoping this month's full wage means I may not need to use the money that I use to pay off my credit cards this month and actually be able to reduce some of the debt. Signed a petition for basic universal income while this is going on. Again I have no faith in it but it would make a difference should it did happen.
Life goes on pretty much as normal for me despite a pandemic......

When I was young and naive about the world and new to blogging, I fantasised about this being a record that would be used in history books in the future. A kinda electronic version of Pepys diaries.
Here we are in the middle of Crazy and I've not mentioned anything. We got sent home the day after my last blog.
I work in the training department and of course there is no training. I worked sluggishly from home for a week, helping other departments and then lockdown came and I was furloughed. We are now awaiting news of how long it will be extended for. At least another three weeks, I think. This'll be announced later this week.
I have been furloughed for three weeks, and it'll be a full 2 weeks tomorrow. So a month at home.
I'm coping quite well I think. I've set lots of weekly tasks, Monday is baking day. Tuesday cleaning bathroom day etc. I have also made a flyball lane, spend an hour each day doing that with the dogs, plus some trick training. I signed them up to do sniffer dog training online. The collie clicked it, poor old Hero has not. She had her 6th birthday! I am naughty and walk them twice. My argument is that I dont see anyone in the mornings, most people seem to be keeping their curtains closed until 9 or 10 and we are home by then. I walk them in the woods in the afternoon, or some mornings we go to the yard to do the horse. I'm working on trying to desensitise the collie to chasing things - mostly the horse and hero flyball training to little success.
I practice my Spanish daily on duolingo and I've tried to watch TV, stranger things, parks and recreation, Brooklyn nine nine. But they're all a bit meh. Normally I dont watch TV during the week. Now I just have sky sports news on, on its constant loop reporting on how various leagues plan on finishing. How sporting celebrities are dealing with this.
I did some volunteering for people I know and people I dont.
I'm not bored although I'm frustrated at not being able to get out and about as normal and the queues in supermarkets fill me with irrational rage with the idiots and their pointless face masks that they're not even wearing properly, the panic buying seems to have calmed now they are restricting people's purchases.
I dont believe Boris is doing a fab job despite the way people suck up to him and Trump baffles me daily and I'm very glad I'm not American. I have a daily nap and I'm not spending as much due to staying at home, although still more than I'd like as the Mothership has upped the rent temporarily.
They are completely locked down, worse than here and as their incomes depend on tourists, they are struggling.

Do any of my old blog crowd still see this? Many are on Facebook now. Sometimes I think of Welshy and his family and I hope they are well. I wonder if I should reach out in concern and then stop myself. I dont want it to be taken the wrong way. If he cared or worried, then he would be in touch. Even FWB has messaged to check I'm ok and we've hardly spoken since Feb.

Again a massive big break in this and it seems the world has gone crazy in the meantime.

Coronavirus. In a way I'm lucky in that the people I care about have already died so I have no need to worry about passing it on to close family members.
Have I changed my habits? Not really, I'm washing my hands as normal. I went to an agility show on Saturday with Dog 1.
The panic buying is shocking me really and it kinda makes you want to go along with the lemmings. I need anti bact handwash because of the animals, but its running low and i've not seen any for two weeks. Loo roll we're doing ok as I have 6 rolls and with just me and my brother we don't use too much but I still feel a bit antsy that I should have more just in case! That probably makes the panic buying worse. I can't get any even if I wanted it but what if I suddenly need more!?

Doesn't make any logical sense and if people just stopped being ridiculous there would be enough to go around anyway!!!

Hoping for working from home to kick in. Talk that it may happen next week depending on the COBRA meeting next week, even if its half of us at home, half in the office and then swapping so there is a presence.

Wait and see. That's all we can do really and in the words of Dad's Army's Corperal Jones

"DON'T PANIC!"

Why am I feeling guilty that i haven't blogged? I mean I only do this for my benefit?

I'm at work currently so I'll be brief. Life carries on as normal. We obviously had Dad's anniversary and birthdays. The dogs are doing ok, the collie continues to frustrate, but is going to a workshop this Wednesday and I have a behaviourist coming for her end of March.

I've lost all motivation about riding as the weather has just been so wet and crap! Hoping now that the days are slowly getting longer, some will come back.

I'll try and be better at this starting from now on.

New years eve post! Or new decade's eve post!

I hsvent posted much in here. Its just the usual wndless cycle of work, dogs, horses and not a lot else.
FWB still isnt talking to me. In fact he blocked me on social media. Still trying it on with the kid though. I got a fairly decent payrise at work. Happy day.

So. This year. Hated the job I started the year in. Ended up getting sacked from that too! I like my job now although I hate the commute. I got another dog. She's amazingly hard work, but shes been in boot camp the last two weeks, i'd like to say it's made a difference but who knows really?

I'm still single and lonely, still debt ridden. I'd like to do some travel this year but finances, plus the collie might make life awkward as I dont know if I could trust her around anyone yet.
I dont know what else to say about this year, but its been a mega decade. From my Facebook post, I quote:
"As everyone else is doing it! This decade, I started it in a job I hated, living with Ed, being pretty settled with him and preparing to travel around India. Since then Ed left me to go live in Russia. I moved out of London and moved back twice, I lived abroad, I got sacked from three jobs. My family disintegrated further. I got into a lot of debt and out and in again. I passed my driving test. I learnt to speak reasonable Spanish. I visited 12 countries. A fair few more people I knew died. I wanted a dog. I now have two dogs. I wanted to do more than just plod about a riding school and now we have Vim to play with. I have a job I like. I'm still struggling with dealing with my brother. I went to the Olympics! I went to see an England home and away game! I saw Charlton get promoted (and relegated). I gave up my season ticket! Lets see what happens in the next decade!"

Will I still be blogging in a decade's time? Will I still be blogging in a year's time? Who knows. Lets roll with it. Say our usual fuck off to 2019 and bring on the 20's!

More slack!

I had a really bad cold that turned into a stomach bug and left me drained. There was an awful moment when I took the dogs to Lullingstone, thinking I was ok.
 I was most definitely NOT ok and realised this the minute I let Hero out the car. I turned to frantically get her back in the car but she refused on the principle that we had just got there and why should she?
I had undone the collie's seatbelt and in my panic forgot her and she made a bolt for freedom. I spent an increasingly unhappy 20 minutes waddling about with shit filled pants almost sobbing as I tried to catch her.
And of course I did, and then as I went to clear myself up I bumped into the over 50's walking group who all wanted to share their tips at helping her learn recall.

Talking of shit, the collie is still struggling with learning her toileting manners. I spent some time getting up in the middle of the night for her but she still seems to just go when she wants. It gets me down. The house stinks.

The brother has come home! I told everyone that it wouldn't last till Christmas! Gutted, the house was slowly getting cleaner as I'm out nearly every night so don't have time to make a mess (other than the dgs!) so I could get on top of what was there and almost make it look nice. Now of course we're back to square one.

And to add to the joy I had a bailiff on my door at 6am after the Brat. Apparently he had driven through the congestion charge and not done anything with it. And owed them close to 600 quid.
It was awful and quite scary, he was still away at this point. I had no idea what it was about, and GDPR and that means that the guy couldn't tell me. At one point it was looking like i'd have to pay the money out of my wages this month (that would be close to half of it...)

After a couple of awkward encounters, he eventually got a loan out to pay it off.

The electrics in the kitchen went! Happy day! That cost me 120 to fix. Or at least it will do as I haven't been paid yet and can't do it until then. The thought has been put forward that as Mother is technically a landlord she should cover it, but we all know that's not how life works.

And finally in my roundup FWB.... I'm deeply, deeply unhappy with him at the moment. We have hardly spoken since the champs and it was assumed that I was running his dog at the indoor flyball, which I don't mind doing, but you know, it'd be nice to be asked. He wanted to come to agility and I ended up mentioning my bailiff drama to him and he lectured me about how it wasn't my problem.

Then the next day in a group chat, it came up about me running his dog and I lost my shit. I was tired from getting up, I'm run down from dealing with the toiletting issue. I don't get in to chill most night until at least 8.30 as the longer days and commute means I don't get home until 6.30 and I still need to walk the dogs, try and implement some training with the collie, ride, take Hero to agility, the collie to obedience, plus looking after The Brat and the house. I just snapped.

I tried to tell him how I felt and he told me I should have told him all the problems I have at the moment. But seriously! Why would I do that? We haven't spoken since the Champs really, I'm not going to message someone out of the blue and tell them my woes when there is nothing anyone can do but me to fix it and there's nothing I can do myself.
He didn't get it.

He's been winding me up by calling me stroppy in front of people, making comments to them that he knows nothing about my life anymore. But things are different now to how they were this time last year. He has a GF. I would be wrong to message him 24/7 as we did before and that anyway just confused me as it's relationshippy and that's not what we were. The distance needs to be there.

I found out that he had put pressure on a kid I know a while back. She's 19 now, he's nearly 32. This maybe ended last May or August. So in between our little things. She never slept with him, but she did things and he put pressure on her and caused problems with her family.
She says its ok, she wouldn't have slept with him cos of the age (got her head screwed on this one!) but at the same time, he picked her up and took her back to his.
I'm deeply uncomfortable about it. It's almost predatory and to keep on at her when he knew it could cause a lot of problems at flyball and was causing problems with her at home. She might have been legal but that's not right.

And I'm uncomfortable with the things I know about him and his GF doesn't. I feel she needs to know that he was still trying it on with me, that when she was in hospital, he moaned and moaned about lack of sex. That the only reason he didn't have a threesome at the champs was cos he was so drunk he couldn't get it up (can't remember if I mentioned this or not. Anyway, I obviously wasn't involved, other than beg him not to do it).

I have no solid evidence though. And it was pointed out that my telling her would not only lead to issues between me and him (don't care at this point) or could easily be twisted into me being a spiteful, jealous, vindictive brat. So I have to keep quiet, unless I find out otherwise, and even then I would need it in a text or something, something physical. He's invited her to the flyball xmas do. Hard, so hard.

I don't understand it. He could be the nicest, most generous person ever so what is this pathological need to constantly screw things up? Sometimes I wonder if he has something like sociopathy.

Anyway I've been in work for nearly an hour now writing this down so I should crack on.

Another manic couple of weeks over and I'm so slack with this.
New dog is going well. Some very frustrating moments with recall but it's all puppy stuff and will get there. Started obedience classes with her so that will help!
Weather has been absolutely appalling so I've hardly ridden and no flyball training either.
Work is ok, bit quiet but bearable.

Busy week. The mothership had a row with TMWMITW and came home in a huff for a week. Course she found out about The Beat being gone and then about new dog and that caused drama all week.

Went out last night for lolly memorial drinks which was nice.
I need to vent about FWB. Why does it hurt that he and mutual friends talk about his GF? Why do I feel like I was dumped rather than dealing with it in a grown up way and moving on as after all. I knew the deal all along.
Why do I miss the constant contact. I dont want to go back to being lonely but I dont know how to change it.

Been naughty. So much to update on.
Dog and I did agility comp. Very pleased as we got a 2nd in beginner jumping and 3rd in beginner agility.
We did champs and it was lots of fun! Met H2 and Lovely which was nice. Dog missed out on 2nd by 0.4 of a second! What is that really?!
FWB very platonic as expected. Did kinda wonder if something would kick off when we went to the party but all that happened was that he went to sleep with another girl (possibly 2!) But all got weird apparently and he bailed.
I've met her a couple of times now and I feel so awkward about it. Had to pretend someone else was also sharing the camper.
He reckons I'm being overly sensitive and dramatic over nothing. No way José!
Really trying to push back from it all but he's still messaging me a bit, drunk calling. Texting to show off his new car. Actually it was a year yesterday since I went to the motherships wedding and came back and drove straight to his and then everything re-kicked off.
I have another dog. A border collie who is 6 months old, amazingly poorly socialised and at the moment seemingly destructive and not toilet trained. All good calls there Charbs.
Really pleased with how the socialising is going. Not the rest of it though. Crating at night. Blocking off the top of the house so she can only shit in one place.
The Boy moved out?! Seriously?! I cant believe it. He is now in leamington spa! It's some apprenticeship thing. I really am not sure it'll work out but we'll have to see!
Would say that it means theres less mess but the new dog is making up for that!!

What a week!! FWB and I have been headfucking each other all week.

He's moaning cos his GF was away for 2 weeks and he needed sex and wound me up and up over coming over. I wanted to go, but I couldnt do it. So we headfucked each other. He wanted me to say I was coming over. I refused unless he came out and said it, told him to go cheat on her if he needed it that badly but if he did care about her to wait! I mean two weeks isnt long really!
I wound him up about how much I also needed it but wasnt going to do it. He reckoned a BJ would be ok (how?!?!)
Nothing happened but I bet she wouldn't be happy if she saw the texts!

I'm so tired of this going around in circles thing. I was trying to think of ways to get him out of my life going home from flyball today and literally all I can do apart from quitting (not an option) is to try and distance myself as much as possible but yet be civil as after all we are sharing the camper for the champs again!

In fact because I am actually 15 years old not 35, I may have led him to believe I was going to Wembley to fuck someone. Indeed N from Uni randomly text me and wanted to know if I was free to hang out. However this was at 9pm and it's over an hour to drive! Didnt go but didnt stop me from pretending that I did and now I've got this whole bloody scenario going on where he's staying here for 6 weeks and I'm pretending we're seeing each other!! And he's been funny about it so trying to keep distance is good to stop me building an even bigger web of ridiculous lies.

And to add to the drama! There is a married man who is one of the group I walk with in evenings. I'm never quite sure if he is after something or just socially awkward. He reminds me a bit of The Hunter from uni (was that his nickname? I cant remember and cant be bothered to check!) Anyway. He monopolises my company when we walk, has a couple of times said if he was single he'd make a play and has invited me for drinks a few times all of which I reject.
I learnt a few weeks back from him that he was getting a divorce. Yesterday I was walking in the park with him and Old Boss and happened to mention I was going to thr 7pm showing of Spiderman. Well guess who rocks up with his kid? Co-incidence? Am I reading too much into things?
He also asked how he could get his dog into flyball. I do not want this to happen!

I entered dog into an agility show weekend before champs, so that would be a nice distraction for us both! Not expecting anything other than a day out and a learning curve for us!

Work continues to go well, they love me (for now) although the commute is still a bastard when I need to get home for the animals.

Mum is fretting about TMWMITW after his drowning incident and that's exhausting too!!

Spent quite a bit of this weekend cat-napping! Have tackled horrid overgrown garden that I just haven't had time to deal with as I have been out every weekend since Easter at flyball.

A long day at flyball last week meant I didnt have a chance to blog.I looked after FWB's dogs for the week, luckily his flyball dog was running on same day as mine.
They're good dogs but mine found it hard to adjust to them being there for the week. I had another one this weekend down Reading way, luckily only three divs but still a long old day!

Work is still going ok for now, got messed about twice going home which is so annoying!!

Didn't do too much today. Saw Lovely Friday which was nice albeit brief, but the flyball champs this year are up near him so hopefully will see him a bit then.

I filled two bins with brambles and stuff but it still doesnt look like any difference in the garden lol! I've done so many comps since August, I've just had no time to do even the little I do manage to do!

I realised that the rats that came into the garden since having the hen have been catching and eating my aviary birds, so the job next weekend is to get some traps and poison down for the fuckers.

Rest of week finished ok. Agility class went well. I was messaging two other guys from a dating site although they've gone quiet since the weekend. Both too far away anyway so not bothered. Had a few other special cases get in touch but no one I'd wanna take to what's app.

FWB has annoyed me tonight! He reckoned I didnt have balls to go meet anyone so I pretended I had and that I was with them when he rang me to talk through plans for next week as I have his dogs.
He told me off for being on the phone when "on a date" but then did a twenty minute chat a about his dogs and a film he'd watched last night and other nonsense and then text me twice after the call to berate me for answering the phone.
I filled him in later with some of the more special cases that had been in touch and the other two I had been talking with.....

We've just spent the past two hours with him complaining about getting used to being in a relationship and how hes not getting any at the moment! Which considering shes been in hospital I'm not surprised!

I told him frankly that all my sympathies were with her and he should grow up and either adapt to it or end it now before she got hurt! He never directly came out and said it but the hint to go around was there but I refused to play that game.

Disappointed in him. It's not what I expected at all. And he only didnt come right out with it because he knew what my reaction would be and admitted it!!!

Also today officially marks the day that I resign myself to the knowledge I no longer can boast about not getting hangovers. It's been a good run! As long as this blog existed, I think I only had three previous but I cant be in denial about them now lol!!!!

Work still going well. Still loving me, which is nice. Commute starting to annoy me now, not going but coming home. Takes so bloody long!

Not much else happened this week. The dating app thing still seems to be going strong. Had a few oddballs, had a few nice guys. The nice ones all are miles away though which is fucking annoying. Had to say goodbye to the really nice one I mentioned last week. Not only was he 30 miles away, but 10 years younger, unemployed and living in basically a homeless shelter. I know its shallow and I got on best with him out of all of them so far, but it seemed just too much barrier wise in my head. I feel a bit bad cos he was really genuinely sweet but also, I cant actually meet anyone as I'm busy every weekend until September.
Not unless they were local anyway.

FWB's gf was in hospital for a week or so, they thought ovary cysts but turns out not. He messaged me moaning about it. Anyway shes out now, turned out to be a bowel thing! Week in hospital to find that out! You'd think it'd be an outpatients thing, biopsy and that.

Ho hum. Thats all folks!

So yeah. I'm suddenly popular on dating apps. Gotta admit it's a good ego boost. I'm talking to two different guys, annoyingly the one that I'm getting in better with, is 8 years younger than me and miles away in Stevenage.

FWB is still on the scene though. He's pretty loved up with his girl but we spent two hours the other day trying to pick a name and logo for his new company that he's setting up.

I dunno. Definitely if we hadn't slept together I wouldn't think much more of it.

So last weekend I went to Porto with J and yeah I'll not be doing that again.

We went out and had a lot to drink, there was a fab atmosphere with lots of England supporters singing and whatever, just banter, no aggression despite what was reported (maybe we just got lucky?)
Anyway on way home he tried to kiss me, urgh.
Love the guy to bits but no! I ducked away and told him to grow up.
End of matter as far as I was concerned, walking back drunkenly arguing, arms around each others shoulders and then an hand ddrops into the back of my jeans.
Again I told him where to go but it really puts downer on the trip for me. He didnt come to in his room until 11 next morning so I being awake by 8 spent most of morning wondering if it should be brought up, if so what should I say?

He claimed not to have remembered much of getting back so I let it go, but then I was on edge for the day, not wanting to go out that night in case it happened again. I wanna speak with G when he is back from his travels as he is his best mate and can bring up how inappropriate it all was and check it was just drunken stupidity and nothing else! No feelings there at all are wanted please!!

As it was it pissed down, both of us had summery clothes not, not weather appropriate. The game was rubbish, the police were inept and we got back into Porto at 1am so just went back to hotel to bed.

AND to top it off, there was an 8 hour delay to our flight!! Not impressed!! Compensation fight is going on as we speak!

FWB good though and was trying to buy another flight for me to get home.

Work has been ok this week, they still seem fooled into thinking I'm good at stuff so what with that and the sudden interest from online people I'm having a good and well needed confidence boost.

He told me last Thursday that he was seeing someone. So I guess that explains the weirdness about us being honest with each other.
I panicked a bit, the girl knows we talk a bit apparently but I'm betting everything, she doesny know that two weeks previous he was trying to talk me back into sex!
Anyway. He isnt the sort of guy to do that now he's seeing her. I absolutely refuse to, if it ends, to fall back into that pattern, platonic or nothing from here on in.
It did kinda hurt, in that 'why wasnt I good enough?' Way but no utter devastation, bit sad as obviously we need to back off a bit and now I've got to get used again to not having someone to text all the time.
All part of the pattern of life I guess!
Bizarrely as well since Thursday I suddenly seem to have become popular on the dating site I signed up to at Xmas, logged in a couple of times and forgot about!
Had 6 or 7 different guys start convos. But. Urgh. What is wrong with me? Happy speaking to them on that but when they ask to go away from it, what's app or whatever, then I panic a bit or find stupid reasons to convince myself not to take it further.
What is that about?

New job has gone well so far. I've never had a welcome gift or been taken out to lunch before!
My early finish doesnt kick in until after probation ends in November though and last week I didnt get home much before 6.30, it's too long for the dog. Not fair.

We did flyball in billericay this weekend. My changes were terrible.
I went out the night before, drank a hell of a lot far too quickly on no food and threw up.
Stay classy Charbs!!!

I'm off work this week! J and I are going to the England game in Porto on Wednesday. Cant afford it, worried about potential awkwardness after last September's night out where it seemed he was trying to make a move.

It'll be ok! We hope!!!

I have a new job! Hurray for Charby! Tomorrow I'm starting a new role as a training administrator up in London. No its not ideal cos of poor dog, but I blagged a half hour earlier finish out of them and an extra grand a year.

Hopefully it'll be ok!

So it was two weeks in total of not working, which has felt like a bit of a holiday. I've walked her and FWB's dogs on long walks, I've not done as much in the garden as I'd have liked or around the house, but still did a bit!

We went to a competition and now have our qualification for the flyball champs and FWB is staying for those at least, which is great.

Also its our two year anniversary of that bizarre night when we were both hammered, slept together and cracked on with our arrangement.

He went a bit funny on me on Thursday, moaning at me as I'd been out and not put sun cream on and how I knew I got burnt easily. Then onto some rant about how important it was that we were honest with each other and I could ask him anything I liked.

I always assume he's pretty on the line with me anyway and told him so, and that I had always been honest with him. So not sure what that was all about. He's mega busy at the moment working two fulltime roles and on verge of setting himself up as limited company, so fucking different for Welshy's layabout frustrating ways!

Hoping that this new job in city means I might meet someone new and move on a bit from them both!

I was at a flyball BBQ on Saturday - he didn't come, still bitter about that row in April, so not as much drinking as last time, which was probably good!!

Borrowed a tent and camped over anyway and it was a lot of fun!

I went to the WEmbley playoffs Sunday! Charlton Vs Sunderland - the sequel! Not as exciting of course, but we won and much more drink was consumed. I had a chillout day today, walked the dog, messaged him a bit, napped on sofa. 

Ready to rejoin the real world tomorrow! Fingers crossed this one works out!!

I dont even know who I am apologising to, for not updating this. Does anyone still look at this apart from H2 and myself? Do say hi - anonymously if you prefer - but curiosity is getting better of me!

I lost my job, last week it was relief and I felt like I was on holiday, this week the reality is starting to sink in.
Had an interview today, job would be ok, is local and fairly interesting but means a 3k paycut and an extra hour a day working. Plus petrol as it involves driving around a lot.
I have the second interview on Thursday. I do feel like it'll be offered to me. I am gonna have to go balls out and tell them if they offer it to me, that I can't live on that little, nor do those hours.
We will see.

Dog of course has been loving me being off, we have covered close to 16 miles last week, and did a two day flyball comp, we won one day and came no where the second, but I was dead proud of her as I lent her to a super shy kid who has been hanging about to run. She was loving it and of course Dog doesnt care who runs her, its just other dogs thats an issue.

Ran her this weekend and FWB's dog. who didnt run well for me. 3rd place with FWB and 4th with mine.
I went to collect her and he was at the door with a girl. I convinced myself he'd slept with her the night before, but really now. I think she was his uber driver! Who knows?

I've walked his dogs with mine three days last week and he paid me for it, which was nice and has paid for my entry for a couple of comps too.
He still claims he is going at the end of May - so his last comp is this weekend. I wish it wasn't the case. We will see. I booked a hotel room, to pay later just in case.

Went to pub with boys to watch the Charlton playoff game and then last game of season and now I have that uneasy nagging feeling about how much I spent and how little I have coming in.....

So last weekend I was down at Hampshire getting horribly burnt at our first outdoor flyball comp of the year. Dog ran well and we got a 1st place, moving up to a different team for next weeks comp.

Work continues to be crap, it was hellish most of this week as I had nothing to do but the boss sat behind me. I'm so bored of asking for extra stuff to do!
I had an interview for part time bar work Good Friday but didnt get anywhere. Would have been nice to top up a little.

Anyway. Things with FWB carry on, We did a 13 mile walk over Easter Monday. I went over Saturday to help him try to make a dog bed. There were comments about how we could be doing other things if I hadn't had had a strop.
Didn't like my counter about how he shouldn't have gone on a date then. People told me I should be offended about this, that he's using it to string me along? I saw it as banter? Who knows?

I'm looking after his dogs for a week, possibly two as he needs to go back to Vietnam.

I have nothing else worth talking about at the moment.

I'm doing so bad at this, this year!

Anyway. He's now back from Vietnam. We had a bit of clear the air chats, he apologised if he ever did anything to lead me on. I explained it wasn't so much that, but the constant messaging every day that confused me a bit.
I dont speak to anyone on a virtual daily basis. He was a bit surprised by that and said that he spoke to most of his closest friends nearly every day.
Anyway that's fine between us. I swapped him a Skygo login for his BTsports (so happy about that?! How good was the Spurs/City Champ league game last night?)

He had a major falling out while he was away with some of the flyball lot, banter got out of hand. He's had it coming to himself for a long while and I've told him that. He's threatening now to quit flyball, which A) will piss me majorly as it's a ballache sorting accomodation out for that Champs and I was really looking forward to the camper van fun that we had booked. B) I'll miss the silly sod if he does go, we are good mates!

Trying to up the ante on dogs fitness for the champs. A couple of nice long walks and the first outdoor one of the season is this weekend down in Hampshire.

TMWMITW's court case got settled - close to a million payout! Of course nothing coming my way. I have an interview tomorrow in one of the nice bars in Blackheath Village, I'm hoping that I can get 10 hours or so a week to top up my wages, fit in around everything else and pay off the debt now that its more clear than ever that I'm not getting anything from them.
I've taken out a new credit card and used it to do a balance transfer to another which has paid off just over half of it, of course I'm aware its not solved any problem but at least there's no interest on this other card while I try and clear both and there will be less interest now on the other one so should help and of course if I can get this bar work (which I have to thank FWB for) that will help as well. Not counting chickens of course. My life is so disastrous I may well end up losing this job!
I had considered applying for an IVA but I think I'd rather try and do it myself than ruin my credit rating further and still be paying loans off and being on a restricted budget that they give me. So fingers crossed I can make tomorrow work out somehow - even if its only for the summer, a few extra quid will go a long way!!
Still trying to sort out the claims for the payday loans I took out, not much hope in persuing them but we'll give it a go, again even if I only get a 100 or so back, its money I didn't have before!

Work remains the same. I've been on my own virtually all week with very little to do, which is why I'm doing this now!

We're chatting but definitely cool compared to how it was before. Looking forward to him going away, although i'm insanely jealous. Still think the distance will do us world of good as I did get a bit eaten up on Thursday knowing he was with this girl.

I think my days at this job are numbered. I've given myself the goal of getting out by end of the month. It's good that I've never really been given much to do as that means I can spend a lot of time job hunting!

Applied for a few bits and pieces, we'll see.

I got a puncture Friday night leaving the yard. I was really scared, never had one before and never had someone show me what to do. Brat was his usual helpful self. Ended up getting a friend from flyballs husband to come out for the rescue. I hate asking people for help! But I think I have a rough idea now how to do it myself, gonna ask him to show me again at a show in the summer so I can do it myself.

I went out Saturday night with a friend from flyball, we had a trip to the Shard (amazing view) and a really nice meal. I was supposed to be going out after with the girls from where I used to work but they ended up bailing really late on!
Rubbish and I have blisters from walking around Borough market in heels.

I bought some proper nice flavoured wine though, me and FWB have confirmed the camper again (wise? who knows?) and book marked the wine merchants website so I can buy some more and put it away for the champs.

Whoops
Bad habits.
Anyway. Last Monday I slept with FWB. It's the last time. I had a bit of a blind date on Saturday and I spent more time wondering how he would take it, than actually interacting with this guy.
Yesterday we were talking and he mentioned that he had told a friend about our arrangement. Didnt like that. Felt that he was boasting and laughing about me.
About 30 seconds later he told me he was going on a date Thursday (tomorrow).
Definitely didnt like that. Battled with it all today and finally sent him an email explaining how I felt, that I'm worried I'm starting to catch feelings.
I dont know what I expected. Yes it would have been nice if he said he felt the same.
I knew deep down he didnt. I wasnt surprised. I need to give myself some time now and get over it. Tha fully he is going to Vietnam to work for a few weeks so with the time difference, and today we probably wont talk much if at all.
I'm pleased with myself for doing this. Its helped me move on massively from Welshy and now I get to say i have two ex's! (Even if it's not really true!).
He's an arrogant, immature prat and I knew we'd make better mates than fuck buddies.
And I still get to count that very first night as a one night stand!!!
Yeah! Go me!

Turns out I did have a flu type bug. Tired, a achey, hot and cold. Yuck. Took couple of days off work and now left with bruised ribs and cough.

Hardly rode cos of it. Went to FWB on Tuesday
 Supposedly for sex, but we ended up watching spurs game. He also told me Wednesday I was welcome over any time for football if it was BT sport as I don't have that.
Planned a dog walk, and alright he was pissed Friday night but he invited me over then as it was easier to go from his. Turned out it wasn't as I went and collected another friend but nice anyway. And yes we did have sex this time, I also fancied it again when I woke and he was asleep and he didn't take kindly to how I woke him up for it! Ooops! Haha!

I won tickets in the ballot for the euro semi nations thing so me and J are off to Porto in June!! Be a laugh, although acutely aware last time we were out, he was a bit too touchly feely for someone supposedly just a mate!!!

I know, I know. So easy to let this slip.

I actively dislike my job I hate doing nothing. It's living the dream but I need to be doing more.
Started applying for some other things. I need to get out before I start settling and letting my standards slip.

Horse has been going really well, dog has been going well. Adventures with FWB have ground to a halt really, only slept together twice this month. Not seen him much more than that. His dogs have had kennel cough and I can't risk going there in case it spreads to mine. He is off to work in Vietnam for a couple of weeks soon. Let's see what happens there.

Started new fitness regime for dog. I want to get her running at 4.7 speeds, we did it once before and can get 4.9's out of her. Today we moved to a faster team and our times were between 5.3 and 5.5 but that's me and my changes and I can work on this, hopefully with aid of fitness regime and the days getting longer.

Mother and TMWMITW flew ba k from the states today. They had done a 5 week road trip. I drove to Gatwick to meet them for dinner, full of their adventures. It was alright.

My chicken has started laying eggs! Very excited although 4 eggs a week is slightly more than I wish to eat! Dog has been getting one a week and I took a couple over to an old lady the other day as well. Be alright when it comes to baking days, will just save them up!

I had a massive clear out of my room yesterday, although it's still a shit heap and I was so tired, I ended up asleep by 9.30. It's nearly 9 now and I'm already in bed!!!
Feel quite drained, hope I'm not coming down with a bug.
Promise to do better with this next week!

Last week was dog comp on Sunday. Got in late and didn't feel like doing this.

Work remains boring but bearable. I have an interview on Thursday for a part time role in a charity in Greenwich. It's 3 days a week that I can't live on, but I'm going in case there a hope it can become 4 days. If it does the money would be the same as what I get for doing 5 days now so who would be the winner?!

FWB situation remains the same. He made a comment about us travelling together, as well as us making plans for dog show this summer and camping again in the van together.
Tonight made comment about needing a fulltime gf. Made me a bit sad if I get benched, i do like our arrangement.
Went there Thursday and then we took our dogs for a walk Saturday.

And in two paragraphs that has summed up the last two weeks!!!

This week at work has been a bit more bearable, or maybe I've just come to terms with the crappiness of it all.
Decided if I'm going to be there past the probation I will ask to finish at 4.30 but get feet under table first.
Had two really nice rides on V this week and dog ran well at agility and also scored more 4.9's today.
Had a quickie with FWB - first in a month! On Thursday.
Tuesday would have been Dad's 60th and yesterday was 5 years since Granddad died and would have been 13 years with Welshy. All the shit always happens in Jan! Next terrible marker is sacking day!

Moving on and let's see what the next week brings. Have dog show next Sunday *touch wood* she continues to do really well.

So first blog of 2019.

I dislike my new job. It's boring. I'm making health and safety documents. I counted one for shits and giggles. It's 236 pages. It takes 5 hours of copying and pasting for this to be done. It's an office where we work and not talk.
I want to escape. If only I had savings I would do and stay at home and keep on looking.
As it is, I'm just pinning my hopes on what I've already applied for and others that I did yesterday. Resigned to bring here for January at least.

Think positive. Good things.
Dog ran well in training. Consistent 4.9 times, I ran FWB's dog to get my eye in and she ran well. We've agreed to get a van together again should we qualify for the champs this year and agility starts again Thursday.
Only managed to ride Friday this week but it was a really good session.
My headspace is good about FWB, I've had some distance from the people who put the other thoughts into my head and I'm no longer curious about the is it more thoughts. It's not.

Hmm. I enjoyed Newport beating Leicester in the FA cup today. That made me happy.

One more thing it is somehow 13 years today since we got thst call to to go to the hospice and prepare for the inevitable. Crazy.

So 2018. What a year.
I started last Christmas absolutely heartbroken at being made to say goodbye to Welshy and part of me is still overawed that someone I spoke to every day for nearly 13 years is now a stranger and it's been a whole year since we spoke.
I miss him, I miss the friendship but the more time passes I wonder why I put up with him for so long, but he had his faults as we all do and I'll never forget him being there all those times I felt completely alone in the world.
I lost my Lolly too. I miss him a hell of a lot, it knocked me for 6 a little. There have been so many deaths in the history of this blog but I guess him being so close in age makes it worse.

I got made redundant, I wouldn't have minded rotting at the community centre although some of the staff were cunts. I made good friends and I hope we stay in touch.

I started a new job. It could have been everything I wanted but it was mis sold to me. I start another new job on the 2nd but not looking forward to it. I want to go back into charity work and that will be a goal for next year.

The horse has been amazing, the fun ride I did in May gave me so much more confidence to go out and pull up my brave pants with her.

The dog has had her moments this year. What with three vet bills and nearly dying. But she ran like a trooper at the flyball finals and has been my best mate and shoulder to cry on.

FWB - wow! Who'd have thought I'd be in that situation? Whatever it is, it's been fun.

So goals for 2019?

1. Get a job back in charity sector, ideally doing more suitable hours.
2. I want to travel more. I have plans for at least two other countries this year.
3. Carry in sorting my shit out money wise. This month of no money is not brilliant, but at least I know I have income coming in again soon.
4. Ideally resolve this situation with FWB, last year My goal was to not end 2018 single. Well I'm still single, but at least I'm getting regular sex and the attention I'm getting from the dating apps gives me a little confidence and self esteem.

And now it's time to tell 2018 to fuck off and hope 2019 is going to be fucking awesome!!

It's been a good week. Christmas passed reasonably well. I caught up with FWB day after Boxing Day and we took our dogs to Lullingstone.
I decided to give that online dating shit a go and joined up and have been messaging a few people. Hearts not really in it though.
I met up L and that was nice and then the day after I met up with a couple of the girls from Flyball. I told one of them about FWB. She warned me of all the things I know, he will bench me, don't get hurt etc. It was good hear what I know in my head rather than the dramatic "but he spent Xmas eve with you!!! It must mean something!!!" I got from one of my other friends.
Anyway. Yesterday I took one of his dogs out on a fucking long 13.6 mile walk and both my dog and I have had a duvet day today recovering! He has had quite a bad bout of flu. Burnt out I guess as he chases the money too much, so asked me to take his one as well so she could get out. I came back and he made me dinner and we watched the Man U game together which was nice and then I came home.
Spending tonight alone as always and riding tomorrow. Feel like taking dog on a long walk as I'm back to work on the second.
Will do another post summing up 2018 now

Ha! The Brat asked me last night when I was going out, as he's obviously more observant than I thought.
I didn't go out, wasn't invited. No probs, happy watching Olympia on the telly!
We met up today and did some agility and flyball practice with our dogs and he paid for my meal, all lovely you'd think until he confessed that he was kinda hoping I'd have forgotten our plan to meet! Offended!

Came home, a lovely couple of ladies I know from dog walking have clubbed together to get me a present. I'm not opening it! Not till tomorrow, just so I can have something to open!
Plan as always is that I will be alone, as always finding this time of year tough. Will go ride though, so that's something.
And meeting Lovely L later this week as he is down from Hull and out with some of the girls from flyball Friday night so very much looking forward to those nights.

Thank God. Sometimes you need to ignore female advice and go straight to the horses mouth and ask the boys.
So MV has also a fuck buddy, he treats her exactly the same, maybe not talking every day, but regularly and she stays over on occasion.
Well now I'm relieved that I can keep feelings under check and I know this is normal so I can stop wondering!

Went to a part time interview today, job I really wanted despite shit money. Thought it going well until I realised that they were working from an old cv that I'd uploaded several years previous! I went home and checked and I had uploaded the right one. Of course I didn't get the job because of this but at least it stops another internal dilemma!!

Dear God what is wrong with me?? I need to get my head in the game. Today FWB said that an ex had been messaging him. She's blonde, slim, far too into tanning.
He thinks she's hot. Personally I think the nutter one I met at agility is better looking.
I'm not jealous. I'm constantly preparing for the day this all comes crashing down and I can stop acting like a crazed 14 year old wondering what is going on.
Remember in Jane Eyre when she scolded herself for having fallen for Mr Rochester and she forced herself to draw herself warts and all and draw Blanche Ingram as she is. Guess modern day equivalent of that is Facebook!
Urgh. I'm pathetic. Starting to get the Xmas mopes which isn't helping my head.

Accepted that job, feel sick at the thought of it but need money. Am going for interview tomorrow to do supporter care in a charity which is what I really want but it's only 15 hours a week and I can't live on that.

Told mothership I was currently inbetween roles, she only cared that I posted TMWMITW's new bank card asap tomorrow. Double urgh.

Had a busy week applying for jobs, Xmas flyball meal and then Talk about a headfuck!!
So I went to FWB last night, and a good night was had, he treated me to pizza and raspberry vodka.
We watched independence day. He said he didn't care, whether I stayed or went and that he didn't care each time I came.
What to take from that?
Anyway he fell sleep leaning on me, I wasn't drunk but well aware I was a long way over the drink drive limit so sensibly put myself away to bed.

Had an interview today, easy enough job, knew it was mine when I left and it has been offered but I didn't like it. Didn't get good vibes. What to do???
Probably best to take and keep looking??
And what to do about FWB?? I need to get really drunk, I think as that's the only way I'll get the courage, and ask him outright!
Just don't want to risk losing what is a good deal!!

Boom!! And just like that, my life gets turned upside down again.
My boss gave me my review on Monday. He realised that there's not enough work for me to do office wise every day and that I'm not enjoying the practical side of it.
So my hours are cut to one day a week, and we're financially fucked again.
Got very despondent Monday, cried a bit and wished I'd never left the museum and tried to better myself.
Pulled myself together Tuesday, rode, redid my cv and cracked in. FWB bless him has sent my cv around and offered to pay me to walk his dogs rather than a dog walker twice a week.

Gonna go see the agency I got the forum gig with on Tuesday and hopefully they will get me something.
Met FWB's ex again this week, chatted with her a bit more. He said she lied about 40% of what she told me. Also learned she's apparently partial to a bit of coke which also added to their breakup and adds more reasoning behind his behaviour. Not that I'm making excuses for that.

Went down to Winchester for a comp and came back this morning. I'd already paid for 2 nights non refundable hotel or I'd have cancelled altogether to save my petrol money and tried to get the hotel fee back.
Still - ate for free one night in the harvester and we got a 2nd place so it was ok I guess!!
Supposed to be doing an office day tomorrow so we will see!

Literally spoken every day. Went over Saturday, was invited over today but yeah I chose to nap instead!
Stayed up till 1am talking Friday and then Saturday I had a meal with some of the dog walkers.
Not sure if one of them hit on me or just a compliment when he told me, if he wasn't married he'd make a play for me out of the blue.
Anyway. Met FWB's ex at agility. She's clearly not over it, left the class early to go talk to him. He messaged me to find out why I shot off, when normally I watch him do a run or two.
Apparently he dumped her as she was a compulsive liar.
Currently I'm listening to the on her voice that tells me I mean nothing to him and that I think is the sensible one to listen too!
Was pleased with Dog at both that and flyball, we have last comp of the year next week, a stay away one in Hampshire which should be fun.
Other news, think I've done all my Xmas shopping!! Unprecedented levels of organisation!

So he told me he wanted "alone time" so that's cool. Then the next message was asking me to come over but to know it would be a flying visit. I had nothing better to do so did.
He then repented of being rude and offered me a glass of wine before I left, I refused and literally took him straight upstairs, did what was needed and went straight home again.
I resolved not to bother him, after all I wouldn't talk to my friends every day as we have done so, the last week. And technically that's what we are.
He messaged me first yesterday and carried on until he declared he needed his "alone time". I didn't bother to reply saying bye or anything. I was in the bath, trying to read, you see and messing with a beeping phone and a book was clearly only going to lead to disaster.
Barely 15 minutes passed before he sent me a smilie. I just sent one back and cracked on with my evening.
Again left him to it. He's been beeping up my phone most of the evening, telling me he was going home early. Sending me videos of his Alexia programmed magic light bulbs and other inanities.
It's amusing more than exasperating. I feel like I'm too old for this nonsense and yet I know he'd throw a hissy fit if I tried to push for answers.
Tbh I don't know what the answer is, however this Charby is not the Charby who started blogging 15 odd years ago and it is water off of a ducks back.
I don't know if he likes me, but is now pushing back a little, if I'm reading too much into the nothing situation or what.
I'm live-blogging it as it amuses me and is a good diversion from a currently mundane little existence
 when I read this back in years to come, it will be fun to read.

Not too bad a week in terms of the trees. Did climb a 25ft scaffold to help decorate a large tree and spent most of the week doing that. Not much bloody fun in the icy cold i can tell you!!

I think that's all done now, in terms of me helping with trees. I get to spend Monday working from home and I have my fingers crossed that I can do the same on Tuesday!

I love working from home! I get so much done around the house and work wise as well. And if it means I can sneak off and go ride Tuesday that's even better!!!

Away from work it's been a casual old week, spoken to FWB pretty much every day, he asked me back over Monday but I was already in bed and again yesterday morning but I was just about to take Dog to Physio. Hoping there's still time to arrange a visit tonight - and yes I'm not gonna pretend - I'd like to stop over again although realistically, I don't think so!

Saw him anyway last night when we had a flyball night out bowling which was loads of fun! 

Spent today mostly having duvet day with Dog watching the Sri Lankan cricket team collapse and the football all day. Lovely, lazy Sunday! 

Very tired. Went to watch David Attenborough at FWB. We drank a bottle of vodka and as I was obviously in no fit state to drive the 25 minutes back down the A2, I stayed over. Good night and morning lol!
God I've forgotten what it's like to be held by someone and cuddle up to them. It was nice.
He made the point of how it was all casual and we're mates and I know and yet..... I can't work out if I'm reading too much into a situation that he has honestly and frankly kept me in the loop over.
He messages me out of the blue to ask my opinion on sofas, to tell me how excited he is at new slippers, people that know us comment on when we are going to give into the tension  between us (if only they knew although they all suspect it), he tries to get my attention at dog things by putting worms on me, or insulting me in the group chat, strangers ask often if we are together and- well one story doesn't prove anything but I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else at the moment.
He's a joker and a bit immature but kind although also hard-hearted so I have no doubts that he has it in him to just use me for sex, but when he calls me endearing names and ruffles my hair or shows up to things that he knows I'm at, I can't help but wonder who is really fooling who.

Anyway. Enough of that nonsense. We are keeping ourselves grounded and reminding ourselves of the rules of the game and I WILL not allow myself to fall for him and get hurt.

Been a week of Christmas tree installations at work. At one of the hotels they were a base camp for tennis players at the ATP finals. Saw Jamie Murray, Federer and Djokovic walk past.

Dog all better now although we infected another team dog so all had to pull out of the comp yesterday - as it happened it worked out well for me because of the above and dog and I had a really nice long walk around Shorne and surrounding countryside.

Urgh. I am very tired now. I want to go to bed

Did end up going to FWB not long after doing last week's update, hung out for a couple of hours too, lot nicer than the quick dash in and out its been the last few weeks.
He was trying to make me watch something called "50 first dates" and made a joke that I needed to go on that. Annoyed me and also I don't want him thinking I only have him (although that's true!) So made up a story on the spot about actually how I'd been out the night before on a date to watch fireworks.
Ha. Take that div.
He then told me how the previous night he'd had a girl over who had been a bit casual touchy feely and he'd kicked her out. Someone definitely had been over as I had nicked their fruity cider and I know he doesn't drink that stuff.
Read into that what you like, he's always been honest about other girls he's had over or slept with etc so I see no reason for him to lie about that but does that answer one of your questions a week back H2?
Wonder if I'll get another message later, he better not want me to go out and miss the start of the newest David Attenborough.
I went out last night to see Bohemian Rhapsody. I really enjoyed it, it seemed to have his mannerisms down perfectly. Kinda regret not being able to go to a Queen concert and wondering how shit the one with Adam Lambert would be.
Haven't been able to do to much with Dog this week as she came down with kennel cough which was disgusting! Dog flem everywhere and constant coughing. She's over the worst now fortunately but I'm still wary of her around other dogs as she's still got a bit of a cough. 100 quid that cost me for medicines! Bloody animal!

Also bought a henhouse as it seems the chicken is staying perminantly now.  Getting quite fond of the silly thing, it likes sitting on My lap getting cuddled and likes to try and get in the house.
Went to Bromley yesterday as couldn't take dog out and supposedly to shop for Xmas presents. Yeah. Ended up buying myself presents! Epic fail!!

Let's see what this week brings!

No sex this week. Sad times. Hardly heard from him actually. Poor sod is mega busy with work. At least I'm sure that's all it is. Either that or my little fling is over.

Oldies still here, still annoying with heating in 24/7 And eating all my food and not replacing like for like.
Funeral is tomorrow then they go again Tuesday.
Work - had a bit of a falling out with the girl who's van I sit in most days. She randomly as she does, decided to give me a day off. I hate this. I do feel bad about it. It's not like I work for a large faceless organisation where it doesn't matter.
And he literally lives a 5 min walk from me, so I am trapped indoors trying to find something to do and when I inevitably bump into him in the evening I then find myself lying.
Why can't I just do my scheduled 8.30-4 in the office and not get up at stupid o clock to sit in a van for several hours?
She didn't get it. Thinks she's doing me a favour. We silently agreed to disagree.

Dog ran well today. I'm limited now clocks changed as to how much I can exercise her so my goal is to try and keep her fitness at a 5.2/5.1 level  in July I'd have been over the moon with those times and hopefully after clocks change it will be easier to increase her fitness and try to break that 5 second barrier again.

Did a few jumps today riding. Slowly built up a little triple, with a bounce fence and a stride then jump. Rather untidy, but more practice and hopefully I can get a grid up of 4 bounce fences!

Poor cow died not long after posting last week. Gotta see if I can get the funeral off. I feel like I should attend.
The most shocking thing of all is that The Brat actually has thawed in his attitude towards TMWMITW and actually spoke to him! Twice! Is it too much to hope that from this they can start to build, if not a friendship but civility?

Busy week here as always, fitting in riding, work agility class. We have just come back from a flyball comp where I looked after FWB's dog as well and ran her. Both dogs got 2nd places.

Hmm. Also maybe some thawing there in his attitude? He messaged me stupidly early Saturday morning - as in before 7am stupid! - I'd said you see, that I would go and help set up for the comp and he then also volunteered his time.
I rode and then didnt see point of travelling 40 minutes home, to turn around and go again but also didn't wanna be there too long. So I asked him if he fancied a visitor and I hung out while he pottered about and moaned about work lol!
I did get paranoid later in the day that he hadn't wanted me there and if I'd been a bother but he said no so that's ok. It's so odd. I want to hang out with him like I do my other boys but at same time I fear his commitmentphobe brain going into overdrive.

Anyway I made a diversion there this morning. Ha. He left the door on the latch for me and I just wandered straight in and up to where he was still lazing in bed. Felt a bit like I was breaking and entering.

Anyway I'm sure I have more to blog about but I'm tired so I'm away to bed.

Very sad. The girl that is my stepsister is dying, there is a massive growth in her ovary and it's spread to other parts. Her kidneys shut down yesterday and now it's just a matter of time. I hope it's peaceful.

It really messed with my mind a bit, same as when lolly went with the stroke. How can you be walking about one day and then life destroyed the next?

The girl has a horse. TMWMITW wants me to have it. I cannot afford it. I might not be suitable for it. I might not have the time for it. Trying to remain strong and not let my inner 12 year old that still dreams of a pony in the garden at Christmas to start whispering in my ear.

A reasonable week at work, Wednesday was good. I finished about 3 and same Thursday. I got a sneaky day off Friday which is good as I drove the Mothership over to Slough to the hospital - supposedly a 3 hour round trip. Took me 7. Yay for the m25.

Agility was good with the dog, bit more focussed this week. Went away quite pleased.

Busy day yesterday with walks for the dog plus her hydrotherapy appointment and then I shot off to see One Night Stand Guy.

Hoping for an easy week next week. I have Monday off and a sneaky Tuesday, I need to sort out a card for the old lady at flyball who looks after me lol and then I have drinks with the girls where I used to work on Friday (hoping for a sneaky early finish!) And then cakes to make and a flyball comp Sunday. Am running One Night Stand Guys dog as well as my own.

I should adopt a new nickname for One Night Stand Guy as it's starting to turn into a regular thing. Perhaps FWB (Friend With Benefit)?

Managed three(!!) Days in the office this week!
The beagle and lurcher came to stay on Wednesday and are going home tomorrow.

Was meant to go to One Night Stand Guys place Thursday but time got in the way. Whizzed round this morning! Think he was either offended/amused that I then shot off again without saying goodbye! In my defence he was on the phone and I had to get back for flyball training!

Agility training was frustrating. Hero is very distracted by the surface for some reason, although it's a riding arena and nothing there should be new to her!! She also got worried about doing the seesaw!

The girl I guess is now my stepsister collapsed on Thursday. Turns out she has a large tumour in her ovaries and it's spread. Doesnt sound good TMWMITW flew back Saturday and I'm awaiting a summons anyday from the mothership to collect her as well!!

Let's see what Monday brings for us all!!

Another week where I just spend Monday in the office and the rest of the week tootling in the van. I am not a fan of these early get ups at all.
I've decided that I'm giving myself till end of Jan If I'm not in the office fully by then I'm looking elsewhere. Originally it was going to be Xmas but then I realised it was gonna be mega busy with Xmas trees and shit so deffo not in office by then!!

Although it was made a little better this week as despite a Friday start of 6am I was back at home by 9.30. So I napped, walked dog and then had a gorgeous ride in the woods in the sunshine.

Dog did well at both agility and flyball and went for a water therapy session to help fitness and act as a physio session for muscles.

This morning I had a request to go to One Night Stand Guys place and I did so. We slept together but it was a bit different to before and that's all I'm saying on the matter!!

Getting ready for another week at work now. Hey ho.

Starting to get a bit annoyed with just sitting in the van helping with maintainence. Especially with London traffic making it so I am late home for the dog.

Still I have tomorrow in the office and maybe Tuesday as well although I think I will probably end up on the road again after that for the week. I dont really get how I am supposed to learn how to do the office stuff if I am only there every so often?! I mean I've been at the job 5 weeks now and only spent a total of 3 days so far in there?

Anyway it's fine. Better than being unemployed!

One Night Stand Guy messaged me and we met up with his dog for agility - annoyingly she was better than mine and has already been promoted to another class.

Mine is also running shit and slow again which makes me sad but what can you do? I'm doing my best to work on her fitness but hard when at work all the time!

Went out last night as it would have been L's birthday. Much drinks. Came home at 4.30 and then went up early for dog and horses. Struggled this morning haha!

I dunno. A guy started chatting to me, was a bit too keen, too young, had a kid, I wasn't interested in him. In the club later another guy - one of my good friends J, I guess we are a bit flirty together when drunk, its never been anything though other than playing but last night.... I felt he was trying to move on past that. You know you kinda get that 6th sense that the situation has changed?
Maybe cos he was so drunk and I was the only single female (who was also straight!) there. Not interested in him.
I don't even know what's wrong with me. I can't get with any of my friends as I know them too well, chatting to strangers fills me with alarm as I can't cope with not knowing the situation.
So am I still in love with Welshy? I don't even know. I can go odd days now without thinking about him.
Am I in love with One Night Stand Guy? No. Attracted to him yes, do I want a relationship with him? No. He's in a unique category of being another one of my male friends, but one of the ones I don't mind doing stuff with where as I can't even picture it with any of the others.
I need help lol!!

Another hardcore week out and about doing things! Watering, deadheading, sweeping, fiddling.
Got to finish at half 11 though on Friday, pretty goddam pleased about that!
Did the horse early which is always good. Dog started agility class, just learning jumps and the introduction of weaving poles, jumps she obviously found easy although I need to get her to realise that its not about doing thing a million miles an hour like flyball!
Went to a same-sex wedding last night - lots of free wine, dancing and fun. Mild wine headache this morning which took a long time to wear away!

Still no sign of my tortoise in the garden and im starting to really worry that i've lost the bugger for good.

He wanted me to come over Monday night, I refused. I'm not at his beck and call and Gravesend is a long way away, I was busy. I've been fairly busy all week, riding, had my redundancy party from the old place, been on site visits again all this week, started agility lessons with the dog.
I don't want to drag her along with me, she's a pain as much as I love her. So I said how about this weekend. I refuse to bring it up with him though and say how about me coming over. I will not beg for it.
I got Friday off - yay! - Did the horse early, went up to London and did the latest exhibit at the NHM and then over to Foyles and bought a couple of books, I took back a couple of bottles of wine from the party and have chilled out reading and drinking.
I've tidied the garden and filled up two more wheely bins - lady next door still moaning about the state of the garden which depressed me a bit.
4 in the space of a fortnight is pretty good going in my book especially when you consider everything else going on!

Not a lot else to report this week. Lets see what next week brings.

Been a busy and hectic week at work - been off doing all the site visits and helping to maintain them - not really sure I do too much in the way of helping - more deadheading and hoping for best and occasionally weeding and watering - fuck me though my sweeping skills are coming in strong here!
Early starts, not good for a person who loves their sleep but its only for another week and there's the strong possibility of Friday off and I can roll with that!!!

I dont want to discuss One Night Stand Guy too much on here - but I'm curious about it all, we speak often, almost every day, he messaged me Wednesday really excited as he'd literally just found out he's been offered the chance to apply for a massive, massive contract.
Is this something that fuckboys do? None of my real, close male friends would be in that position ever but I can't imagine me being one of the first people they turn to, to tell such things.

It's a weird one. I don't want to read too much into it. When we meet and say goodbye I want to hug him like I would all my friends but something holds me back, is it fear that he'd read too much into it himself?
And how do I really feel about him? Yes I'm attracted to him. I won't allow myself to fall for him and i'm pretty clear that he is only out for one thing from me which helps me to remain strong.
He is a nice distraction from Welshy and that's the main thing.

Car got fucked - needs a new door - goodbye to first pay cheque!

Annoyed with the Brat as always and his lack of help around the house and slightly concerned as I put the tortoise into the garden last week and haven't seen him since!! Am sure he's just in the weeds somewhere but.... yeah.... come out of hiding soon!!

Starting agility classes with the dog this week, be something to help keep her fit over the winter I guess!!